]Hi guys!!!
I wasn't sure about posting this message 'cause I feel I little embarrased about it but well here I am.
I arrived last year to NY under a spouse Visa, my husband is a wonderful person, I love him more than anything and he was extremely patient with me. We have two BIG problems, the first one is that he never helps me around the house, I do everythingat home, cleaning,cooking + I have a full time job (I start at 6.30am). So everyday when I come home from work (extremely tired) I have to continue working at home. I asked him so many times to please,please,please help me around the house but he says that his parents never raised him in that way, they are italian and his sisters and mother always did everything around the house. My family always had a maid in the house,she did everything for us and know I'm doing things that I neveer did in my life but at least I'm trying.
The second problem is that I don't feel like the number 1 in my husband's list, he's always talking about his parents,calling them and visiting them, he leaves me alone every night 'cause they call him and want him to visit them, he's always looking for excuses to visit them. I feel that he doesn't care about leaving me alonE, I don't have anybody here, no family,no friends, just him, and his behavior hurts me.
He told me sice the beginning that he is close to them but this is too much. I'm even thinking about going back to my country..... This is not the kind of life I dream about...Waiting for advices..

Vi Mazzella

I would suggest coming home from work and ignoring all the dishes and things that need to be done that he could easily help you out with. Let the dishes pile up and the dust Tell him that you dont have any more time than he does to keep up with it and let him know that you think its time to call a cleaning service so that neither one of you has to look at a dirty house when you get home.
Let him know that you met some new people at work and that they have invited you to meet them after work for a few drinks (or pepsi) or something to eat. Stay out a few nights a week until late just to show him that if he doesnt want to stay at home with you that other people do!
Tell him its a custom in Peru that women are treated with respect and kindness!
I'll bet that wakes his ### up!

Thank you for the advice ,there's just one problem, I hate to see my house dirty, I tried to leave it dirty so he can do something or get upset about it, but it didn't work, his parents told me that when he lived with them his room was a mess and he was ok with that.
The second thing is that I DON'T have friends (in NY), I talk to his sister from time time (she's cool) BUT I know that If I talk to her about her brother or her parents she is gonna tell them. So right now your comments ARE VERY appreciated.

Vi

Dang girl, your situation sucks. Is there any reason that you don't get a cleaning service to come once or twice per week?

The main reason is that NY is very expensive and we prefer to save that money (I do). Right now I'm saving to go back to Peru for Christmas and I told to my husband that I'm going to pay his ticket ($ 2600) but now I'm reconsidering the situation. I need some time OFF!!!!!!!!

I'm surprised that you haven't made friends yet but maybe people aren't as friendly there as they are here in Texas. I don't know. That's just a guess. Probably a good thing for HIM because I sure would've already had you out with the girls at least twice during the week for happy hour (or happy four hours)

Anyway, I sincerely hope that you two work things out. He probably doesn't know the severity of the situation. I hope that you can get through to him and make him understand without him becoming defensive. Good luck

Sylvia

Thanks alot for your words, I find very funny that your name is Sylvia and my husbands name is Silvio. Well yes,I left all my good friends in Lima I know some people here but I can't call them friends (not yet). Most of my friends in Lima live near my house so we use to see each other very often,specially my friends from school that I know for more than 18 years. Yes, I know what you re thinking right now, It sucks!!!!
But what can I do??? nobody force me to come here.....

Vi[size=3]

Sweety, does your husband work fulltime too? The first thing to do is to sit down and evaluate how you're using your time... why are you working so hard? The whole point of working is to make money to make life easier for yourself, so hire somebody to come and clean for you! If his family was that traditional, I bet that if his mother and didn't go out to work fulltime as well as doing all the work at home... if someone else is doing the housework then you'll have more time to spend on your relationship with your husband and maybe he'll want to spend more time with you instead of going out to avoid the hassle... There is NO REASON for you to kill yourself trying to be all things to all people - it just can't be done.

You are obviously feeling really low about this and it must be having an effect on your relationship. I really think you need to have a heart to heart with him about this....I am sure he just doesn't realize how hard this is making your life right now. Point out that just as HE was never expected to do the domestic chores whilst growing up...neither were YOU. If he isn't in the least bit agreeable taking on a share of household chores then I would put to him that you both should share the cost of some kind of domestic help.....he wanted you to be his wife not his servant.

Keep the lines of communication open always.....

Good luck!

It sounds like you are his maid. It is so hard to "change" other people. The only person you can really change is yourself. I agree with Mr&Mrs that you may want to try leaving the dirty. Clean your own messes and leave the rest. Even though you can't stand a messy house, walking around cleaning up after him is not going to help. Do you have a spare room? I have heard of other people with the same problem that just throw the spouses mess into the spare room and shut the door....dishes and all. Still that sounds a bit strange. I also like the idea about meeting people and staying out and about. If you dont know anyone, try going to the mall or movies or whatever even if it is alone. At least you wont be sitting at home thinking about him.
Best Wishes

I don't mean to be judgemental here but it's about time mommy's boy should cut the ombilical cord. I'm sure he's a wonderful man whod dearly loves you dearly, as well as his family (we all do) but the excuse that his parents "never raised him that way" is non-sense. Customs have changed quite a bit from what they were in Italia in 1946, and even macho men have had to change their ways a little (I knew one friend of mine in Rome who would still make a weekly trip to his parents' house and have Mama iron his shirts, but he was a special case.... ) I'm not sure what things are like in Napoli or Palermo nowadays (never been down "South") but still.... He's an American so this is not a valid excuse.

Perhaps moving to another town would help?

I had to come back and say.....although meeting people and having a social life away from your husband is not a bad thing in the least, please do not 'create' the atmosphere of suspicion around this problem....it will just add insecurities to it....IMO better to get air the problems at hand without playing games....keep to what is bothering you and don't create more because of it.....

P.S your wedding photos are lovely.....

Thank you again for all your words.
Yesterday I had a convesartion with Sil, a really deep conversation about our relationship,m I even told him that If things don't change I'll go back to my country. Yesterday morning I left him a note telling him how I'm feeling and I think that that touch him (he did some shopping for the house and the laundry ) and luckily his parents never call , as I told Cristina, sometimes I talk to his sister (she's cool) the problem is that she tells everything to her mom, I'm going to talk to her about what is bothering me - parents calling all the time- and I'm pretty sure that she will tell them about our conversation = I will use her.

About the cleaning problem. In my country is very affordable to have a maid but here's not. They charge $15/hour and for now I don't know anybody that I can trust enough to leave at my house. So I'll have to deal with that for a while.
I know that having a social life is not a bad thing the problem is that I work at a gym with a lot of guys (I mean A LOT) and they are always making comments or inviting me out (they know that I'm married and some of them are married to). I have areally good friend at my job he's always listening to me and giving me good advices I compare him to some of my best friends in Peru. He's married too so he kind of understands me.
That's all for now....
Ty


Vi[size=3]

Glad things appear to be looking up
He loves you and hopefully respects you which is a start, doubt he wants you to leave when its so easy for him to prevent it by helping out.
Rmember people treat you the way you ALLOW them to.
Best of luck and hugs!

Wow, your husband's excuse for not helping you is that "he wasn't raised a certain way". Sorry, but what a bunch of BS that is. Maybe he needs some serious retraining. It seems pretty obvious that he is a "momma's boy" as a lot of Italians are (sorry, but it's true... I have met a lot of Italians from Italy who are spoiled rotten by their "mamma's"). It is hard to compete with mom.

It is too bad that you didn't see any of the warning signs before you got into this marriage so you could negotiate your wishes and expectations beforehand. Somehow I doubt that he will change his ways now. He is getting what he wants. You are cleaning the house and staying at home waiting for him. Maybe some serious talk would make things better. You need to tell him how it makes you feel. And if he doesn't care whether you are happy or not then he is just a bad husband. I hope everything works out.

I have to say that I have a wonderful weekend with my husband, he helped me around the house and we continued with our DEEP CONVERSATION . It's going to sound funny but I think he's more Daddy's boy than mommy's boy, And let me tell you, he's a super "macho",not even the wife can stand him. He's always making stupid coments about how a husband should treat his wife, that's why his wife hate him so much they still together but they have a horrible relationship. We are trying to learn from their mistakes.... we are trying....

He"s not the kind of guy that will go for some drinks after work or go out with his friends we always do things together and I really appreciate that from him.
I imagine that he's not going to change right away, I have to give him sometime and as my mom says all the time, I have to BE PATIENT.
I'm feeling much better right now, thanks guys....

Vi

I guess you haven't talked about it before you got married. These are things that we often take for granted to discuss. Both of you should sit down and lay your cards on the table. You can't do it on your own. If he said he was not brought up to do household chores, tell him it's different now, he is married already and there are responsibilities that goes with it.If you're doing your part which you yourself was not used to because you had maids in your home in Peru but sice you're married you try to adjust to the new role as a married woman, and that he should do the same.

You just need to tell him straight, if he doesn't want to help them he should pay for a cleaner to visit at least once a week .

Good luck

I am glad that things are getting better. It might also help you to develop some interest of your own outside of the home. Check out some museums or take walks in the park. Maybe do some roller blading if you know how or learn it if you dont. Just do something that is for you.

as you have a job, it's bs that he expects you to do everything around the house. a division of labor is a must. there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting him to help out around the house, as he lives there too.
what bothers me more about your original post is not the issue of the housework, but where he is spending a considerable amount of time away from home with his family. why can't he take you with him?

and btw, i'm a guy, so him helping out with housecleaning is not just some woman siding with you.

I hope he is going to help you from now on and not just until you are not upset anymore.... Maybe you should go back to you country by yourself... and he will learn to appreciate your work more because no one will do the stuff for him...

And yes... why don't you go with him to his parents house? ... how is your relationship with them...?
Do you just rather not go to their house at all???



Mystery25

She has a point!


SO true!!

I have a good relationship with his parents, they are always inviting US over but what Sil doesn't understand is that we have our OWN place. I try to go there just on the weekends 'cause during the week I'm too tired and have lots of things to do in our house - I just want to relax. He still visting them but not as often as in the past. . We talked about me going back to Peru to visit my family and relax, but I have to work (full time job) and If I'm planning to go there for Christmas I can't take days off from work 'til Dec when I have vacations

Vi

pd>>> My in-laws live around the corner

You might try going to a marriage encounter. Check at your church. It helped my parents.

Dan

agreed

hang on in there!
You are not his maid!