thanks everyone for the wellwishes!
The procedure went so smoothly I was back home by 10am! The Lortab is wearing off a bit now but I am resting comfortably watching Law & Order and scanning VJ. I am saving the doughnut for supper

Wonderful! Donuts for supper is an excellent choice. So is cheesecake for breffrus.

I most likely wont have a dress to get married in.

Though I find this hilarious...for some reason I am not angry about it, just angry in the way its unfolded.

Sorry to hear that, but Pamela Anderson got married naked.


I wonder if he'll go for the trifecta...

I'm thinking I'm more of a paper bag type of girl.

I love that show. Especially that episode when Mr. McCoy says, "now Arthur" and "only if your client allocutes," oh wait, that's all of them. Doughnuts for dinner, now that's a real Canadian.

How 'bout a potato sack? I saw it once on an episode of I Love Lucy,retro-50s chic is in again.

AAAAARGHH!!! I am JONESING for a vegetable samosa from Golden Grocers!!!!!

glad the surgery went well

back to venting!!

I hear ya. I love watching the older episodes so I can hear all the lenny-isms.

I need advice. I know I know...I have been so up and down since the day I have arrived here. But I feel like this is important.

As you know my husband and I have an apartment and are planning on moving in two weeks. As some of you may also know, our time in this house with the in-laws haven't always been the greatest and theres been problems with my son and his adult brother as well as his mother pre-misdiagnosing my son as ADHD (ps: he was tested duriing his spring break in Canada and he's OKAY).

It's been unhealthy at times for everyone, I believe that everyone needs their space.

However, here's the catch. If we move we will no longer be able to afford the wedding next month. Nothing...we won't be able to pay for the vendors, we won't have rings...nothing. His parents have paid for the venue and there's literally no turning back but we wont have a lot of the things we need.


My husband thinks its okay to just move and then tell his parents we can't afford it...causing them to have to pick up the pieces. I however, think this is unfair to let them know such things at the last minute.

My question is...
Do we suck it up and wait to move out at the end of june?
Or
Do we just move out because living here is stressing us out way too much?

I mean how do you deal with this situation?

His mom paid for my dress and its at the shop awaiting my cash payment in large bills so it can be altered. I can't afford to go get it altered. Though, she told me the dress would be on her, and I kind of feel like she's leaving me in the air regarding that one...I kind of feel like thats a little stab in the heart, but whatever. Maybe I am just reading it wrong....thats what my husband always says. Maybe he's right*.

*doubt it though

I don't even know what to do. I don't even know what to say. Like this situation is somewhat funny to me because I am just sitting here going: "#### what do I do?"


This wedding isn't important to me anymore, whats important is getting ourselves out of here so we can begin our lives together without others sticking their noses in all of the time.

Hmm maybe I just answered my own question right there.

This is one of those thinking aloud posts...can ya tell?

sister... prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. whatever choice you make will be the best choice for your family. If you do decide to not have a wedding though, i think telling the parents so they can get a refund would be super nice of you.
good luck!

Methinks you have already answered your question.

I'm with Len -- at least give them the head's-up so they could try for a refund if you decide against having the wedding. And there is nothing wrong with a vow renewal ceremony down the road when finances aren't so tight for you (IMHO )

see I agree, but my husband is against canceling it. His parents wouldn't cancel it either. The day would go on...but it just go on with pissed off people.


I wish we could cancel it though. I am no longer looking forward to it like I was a few months ago.

You are right, Sprailenes. Your husband's plan is most unfair to your in-laws. I'm a tad confused because I thought you had already signed a lease for the apartment and are now committed. If that's the case, there is no way around it. If that's not the case then.....

If it's more important for you to move out, you and he, both, should let his parents know that... due to finances... you will not be going through with the wedding and that you will compensate them for the expenses they have already incurred. If it's important to have the wedding and... as long as there isn't a contract with the venue that it be catered, then you can rally friends and relatives to assist with a potluck-type affair. You can borrow rings or purchase really inexpensive ones. You can bring a CD player and have someone who knows music play DJ. You can bake your own cake. There are many ways to have an inexpensive gathering. It doesn't have to be fancy.

Tough call. Loyalty to your son or appeasment of the MIL (believe me, it's her you need to worry about). If you can't stand to be there any longer, then you must leave. If you can hold on for three more months then you should stay. I think if you leave the in-laws with the bills, their "loving son" won't be the bad guy, their good-for-nothing DIL will be. Could your SO have some greater understanding of his parents than you, I can't say, but he sounds like he wants out. Is there any way you can avoid BIL, MIL and FIL for 90 days? What about a surprise wedding? Get everyone together to go to a show and do the wedding then and there. Might lessen the in-laws attachment to a huge, formal nuptial. Just a thought.

That's a good idea, actually. Friends of my parents invited everyone over for dinner one night. When they arrived they found out it was to attend their wedding. Everyone had a wonderful evening, and they were so excited.

Thanks, I get one every once in a while. Surprise weddings are always memorable affairs for everyone. If MIL still wants a big ceremony, then it can be done at a later date.

Ditto, great idea.

There are numerous contracts, his parents have with the venue, everything. They've paid for the tuxedos, their attire, they've had bridal showers. Paid for hotel accommodations etc etc. His father has said if we're having trouble to let him know. I told my husband that telling him at the last minute isn't fair. But my husband isn't much of a communicator.

This family is more about how they look to the outside world, not so much what they are like inside. If the wedding gets canceled its not about how we feel, more about how we'll look.

My husband hasn't been very understanding of the situation unfortunately. He has told me that I am the one causing problems and that his mother isn't this way and stuff like that. It really does break my heart. I want to get along with his mother, but its been going downhill since I got here and we're closing on rock bottom and for the sake of our future relationship, I think its extremely important I get out now.

I want to cancel the wedding...I have mentioned that. He said no because all the gifts people got, and we'd just piss off a whole lot of people. I guess I have bitten off more than I can chew. The lease gets signed this weekend.

I don't think I could stay here another 3 months and be "okay" with it. I think his mother and I are from two very very very different worlds and are two very very very different people.

I try to be really nice about things regarding her. I try to sit on the fence when I speak to him about it. But last week I just told him how I felt and he told me that I am making problems and I'm the one acting insane.

At times I start to wonder if he's right. But with all due respect, she has crossed the line on more than one occasion while we have lived here.

Oh sweetie, I really feel for you, since you are in a pretty awful spot
Perhaps it is time for a "family meeting"? I don't know what to tell you... could FIL could be the mediator in this case?

Oh hon....
I'm so so sorry.....
Wish I could hug you
You aren't insane, you have every right to think and feel the way you do...
It's sad that it seems he's having this wedding for his mom and family rather than you...is this even what you want?

What about going back home to wait it out in Canada until the wedding? (Bad idea if you're working, of course.)

It looks as if the wedding commitments have progressed to the point of no return. Where it hasn't come to the point of no return is the signing of the lease. Bottom line.... you have previous commitments. If you can't afford the apartment because of prior commitments then you cannot sign the lease. End of story. Derailing the wedding at this point would seriously undermine the already tenuous relationship you have with the inlaws. Which would seriously impact the relationship you share with your husband. If two additional months can alleviate all this, wait for two more months. You will never be able to set things right once you set this in motion.

Another thing to keep in mind.... a lot of people give monetary gifts as wedding presents. You can use these gifts to offset your costs.

I don't know anymore. I don't want the wedding anymore. Mostly because I feel like we've let it get to this...I mean come on..a month before the event and we're trying to figure out a way to get out of it because we can't afford it. I want to like his mother. I want his mother to like me. I want everything to just work out you know. But they aren't.

I didn't know it would be this way when I decided to move down here. I thought his parents were alright people. His dad is a good guy, I feel like his dad would be the mediator in this situation. But my husband doesn't seem to be doing anything to let them in on what we know. I mean do I go ahead and talk to the parents? Or do I wait? I don't feel like its my job to push my husband anymore...he's an adult.

I feel like his mom may have some issues with jealousy perhaps...maybe she is upset that I have a better relationship with her son than she does. But she has to understand that she's the mother, and no one can replace her. I don't know if she feels unloved by him or what. Their relationship is kind of slow moving and barely there, but thats not my fault. It was like that before I got here.

I feel like my husband needs a spine is all.

Its to the point of no return. Thats the problem.

Derailing the wedding would make people hate me. Do I please the masses or just myself? Thats a great question. I have to think about that.

I have never been in a family where you don't speak your mind and get over issues as they arise. This family, they either just keep everything inside or let it roll off their backs. Because people complain but nothing ever changes. Its like we're all content sitting in our sh!t.

All I know is that when you get things off of your chest its easier to move on.

I can't believe they are expecting you to go through with this when they KNOW you can't afford it!
How horrible is that!!!

I have a bad feeling that this will put a rift in between you and your hubby...I hope not, I hope you can get passed this. You may resent him for putting you guys in debt.
You may resent him for not listening to you and supporting you, HIS WIFE....
I'm so sorry....

Lau, you said it. Let's hope Sprain's hubby listens

Just to further the concerns of Laura, cermenoy for the sake of ceremony is meaningless. Use the Spirit test, flip a coin. Do you want to marry this man? If you do, then work on the in-laws and tell them the problem, for your own piece of mind. Do it now!!!! Diapers can be changed, men can't. Whatever your SO's issues with his mother may be, they cannot be allowed to poison your relationship with SO or the in-laws. You're in a tough spot, I hope this works out FOR YOU.

It sounds like they don't know. That's the problem. Poor communication.

So do I.

Its just been such a roller coaster these past few weeks. We were all sitting down there for dinner right now, it was a perfect time to say something but nothing was said. Last week his dad said: "If you need help just say something." and my husband just said: "Okay"

Then he said he was waiting for an "opportune" moment. It doesn't get anymore opportune than that.

And you know who's gonna get blamed for all of this right? Me. Thats right. I'll probably get blamed.

For the record: World hunger...yep that's my fault too.

I'm an only child though...I can take the blame.

I think they know but they aren't going to offer, someone needs to say something. Its like watching a train wreck. I want to turn away but I can't.

Anyways I made a list.



Pros of staying:
Able to pay for our end of the bargain with this dreaded wedding.
Able to save up and find a more affordable place.
Able to save up more money for furniture and the like.


Pros of leaving:
Healthier environment for all parties involved.
Working on making my relationship with my MIL better.
My son won't be getting on everyones "nerves" anymore.
Being a married couple and making decisions without others sticking their noses in.

In the grand scheme of things, two months isn't long to wait to realize the "Pros of leaving" items. Where are your con items?

A list...

Lists are a sign of change on the horizon.

Whatever you decide I hope you'll both do it TOGETHER...I hope you'll be happy and be the family I know you want to be.

You can't go anywhere but up.

The cons are everything written above but in opposite form.

Think it through, Sprailenes. The cons are far more than the above. There is a monetary impact and bad feelings between everyone. The impact is huge. You don't want this wedding any longer because you're feeling bad about everything. For all you know, this wedding will bring everyone closer together and you may even have fun. Don't make any rash decisions. Short term pain for long term gain. It's two months.

Krikit is quite right me thinkssss

I believe they're right as well.

My husband is going down to talk to his dad now. He's going to tell him the situation. Which is good.

I'll keep you all posted.

I mean I just want everyone to get along. I don't want to end up hating my MIL. She's just really moody and hard to read and sometimes she seems okay and other times she seems not okay and maybe I take that personally. Sometimes she oversteps her boundaries, but maybe she thinks she is doing the right thing. I dont know. I can't analyze the situation because I'll drive myself insane.

Haha this board is like the place I come to when I am having relationship problems. Its kind of funny. I don't even feel like I can talk to family or friends about it, but I think you guys just give me unbiased advice and I really like that. Thank you so much.

Okay well his dad said that the smart thing to do is wait. That financially it would be better for us to be able to save up...we could pay off some bills, help pay for the wedding and even save up for furniture if we stay here. He was under the impression that we'd wait until the end of June to move anyways as my son is in school.

I guess I feel better now. Maybe I am even feeling better about this whole wedding thing now knowing we'd be able to hold up our end of the bargain instead of pawning the entire event on to his parents who have already paid so much.

I agree we're at two and some months before we can move. Its not that far off and we'll be able to save and stuff before then.

Its a good thing I guess.

I feel better.

I'll just have to deal with the situation with my MIL. Maybe I'll try to find ways to bond with her. I dont know.

That's wonderful news honey
Keep us posted.

Wonderful. I'm glad the air is being cleared and that a decision has been made.

Sprailenes, just as you are finding it difficult to live in his parents' home, I'm sure your in-laws are finding it every bit as difficult having two other people living with them. And even more so with a young child. Those days are in their past, so it's much more exhausting for them because 1) they don't have control and 2) it's not their child so they probably feel frustration with not knowing how to handle things. Everyone seems to be trying to tippy toe around each other, and that makes for a very uncomfortable situation. I think a bit of understanding on both sides is in order. I'm glad your husband made a step in the right direction. It was the right thing to do. And it sounds like your FIL has a level head on his shoulders. Things will work out fine. Now you can go ahead and focus on your wedding. Make it an enjoyable time.... and get excited! It'll be over far too soon.

But oh no I think his mother got wind of what is going on because my husband just got called off into their room and I can hear her talking.

Damn where's a whisper 2000 when you need one?

I kind of wish they'd talk to both of us, because this situation involves both of us.

But oh well. Not much I can do.

They're still talking.

They probably would have if your husband had not spoken with them alone, initially. Don't worry Sprailenes. Just the fact that they're speaking with him means they're concerned and are trying to work things out. It'll be fine.

Krikit has given some amazing advice here. 2 months really is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

And, I bet when you do move out your relationship with your MIL will drastically improve.

I'm not sure what kind of person she is, but can you guys maybe go out for lunch or something just the two of you? Maybe a heart-to-heart will make her seem less jealous. I really agree with your thinking that they will always be their mother, that cannot be replaced and well I don't want to be my SO's mother, haha!

I'm sure everything will work out.

Ugh, I'm sick AGAIN I swear, since I moved to NH (and went through immigration!), my immune system has SUCKED!!! It doesn't help that I work with a lot of kids who always seem to have some germ ... and being pregnant, I am not able to take most of the preventative measures I normally would (huge doses of echinacia at the first sign of a cold, or Zicam or something). Oh well.

Krikit always gives sage advice as do Laura, Spirit, my Sister Len and so many others. As for me, I wouldn't listen to a word I say. Our hearts go out to you Spraileness but a dialogue has opened so at least there will be some airing of grievances, let's hope that there won't be a need for the feats of strength. BTW, the odds are 6 to 5 that you can whip your MIL's azz.

Ugh. Kids are major carriers of germs. The little darlings. That's why you're sick all the time, Autumn. But look at it this way..... maybe your son's building up immunities with all these germs you're fighting off, and he'll never get sick!

There's also a psychosomatic aspect to illness that can't be ignored. You're in a new locale and facing bacteria that your body is not used to. On top of that you're pregnant which is quite stressful and a bit depressing. That will tax your immunity, that and little Johnny who always forgets to wear a hat.

Sprailenes, I'm so sorry that things seem so messed up for you right now. I've read through this thread, and Krikit has offered some amazing wise comments. I truly wish your whole new extended family could sit down together, and talk from the heart. SO many things could be cleared up. I know you wish your husband could have more "spine...or backbone" (I can't remember now which word you used)! I do think though that you need to take some responsibility in not letting your MIL know what's going on with you. I know in the past you've written about her, and it certainly to me seems like everyone living in the same house causes so many of the tensions, but maybe it's time to sit down together, as a family and talk about this. Even spending some time talking to your MIL about how you're feeling, what your thoughts are...gosh, what a difference this could make.

It's true that not living in the same house will change your relationship. I know when I first left home, my Mom and I weren't getting along that well, and I can honestly say that our relationship grew so much closer once I wasn't in the house. I grew to appreciate her and know her as a person much better than when I was living with her.

I'm glad that you come here to vent...you are able to say how you think and feel which is wonderful. I could hope that some day, you can share that with your in-laws.