this is really hard to say. i haven't been around VJ much since abdou's arrival because we've had a lot more problems than i expected (with my family)
unfortunately, i lost my job in new york right before abdou arrived in america. i made the STUPID decision to move back to california to live with my mom who has a big house all to herself. she welcomed us and said we could stay with her rent free to help us get on our feet as a married couple. i think maybe this was all her game to get us in her home and destroy our relationship.
we've struggled and struggled the past three months my fiance has been here in america. he's had a hard time adjusting to our culture, language, people, etc. but he's drastically improved! two weeks ago he was even hired at a good company. a very good start to being in america. we've finally started settling in together, building our love stronger, and decided to get married today. she explained that if we got married, she wouldn't support our decision. my brother called and said my entire family has gotten together and all think i am crazy if i marry him. why am i crazy for marrying someone who so obviously and intensely loves me? because he's a poor moroccan muslim? my own father was a broke immigrant when he got here at 19 years of age! they think i am being used for a green card (my brother said he would bet "a million dollars" that abdou was using me and will leave within a few years) how can they possibly even know the intimacy we have behind closed doors? they threaten to cut me from wills, gifts, and any ploys with money they have to get me to stop. that if i marry him, that i will suffer great consequences. (whatever that means?)they all say they do it out of love....they are helping me. but how is taking my love away from me helping me? is money more important than companionship? i grew up thinking it was....seeing my parents in a big house with an empty heart. but i don't want that life!

now abdou wants to go back to morocco, without me. how is that for being used? my family has completely broken our relationship. made our wedding day a disaster....and our decision even more difficult.

do i let him leave me and start all over? do i let the one love of my life go back to morocco while i suffer here alone?
or do we get married today and leave this house....leave my family..and risk losing my relationship with them forever? he really thinks i can't handle surviving in morocco with him. he is concerned for me. i want to go... but this visa! we spent so much time and anguish over this !@#$% k-1 visa to get him here...with success! and to give it all up because of my family? my friends think i should move to morocco with him, get to know him more, go to more schooling, prove to my family we've taken more time to get to know each other, prove to them he isn't u sing me for a visa, then reapply for a marriage visa in the future. is that even possible? to REAPPLY for a k-3/cr-1 visa in a year or two? would they approve us? how could i even have the affidavit of support if i live in morocco for 1-3 years?! all these questions are swirling in my brain and i don't know how to make a decision. breaking up is hard to do................................

I'm so sorry. If your family can't be supportive then you need to put them on the back burner for now. They will come around eventually. Right now they are just making every possible threat to get their way. Don't back down and don't give in.

Jen I am so sorry to hear this! I had no idea you were having so much trouble with your family. I can't imagine having to choose between your family and your fiance. I really don't know what to tell you- I don't even know what I would do in that situation exactly. I wonder if they will warm up to you two being married as time goes on. Can you guys rent an apartment in CA? Abdou must feel terrible knowing that you have an ultimatum. Good luck.

Oh, sweetheart. I have no answer about the relationship worries (except to say that people move back from overseas and file for their spouses all the time; they just show that they're currently employed. previous filings are okay, too, if you have a reason like moving there and then moving back) But what's changed? Had they supported you before and changed their minds?

Jen - I'm so sorry to hear things are turning bumpy again - PM me so that we can chat sometime. I'll add you to a messenger or give me a phone call if you want.

Ok
Marry him and move out. Your family will eventually come around. Do not lose the love of your life and do not pay attention to other people. If you lose him you will regret it forever and will never forgive yourself. Do not let go. Tell your mom and dad that you love him and that you love them too and you will make things work with him. You will see that people eventually come around. They do not want to lose you. I am from a well to do family who blackmailed me with money alot of my life and finally I figured out that if you want to have your own life , you have to fight for your dreams. Do not do this to your poor guy. He had all these dreams and hopes. Can you imagine how he is feeling right now so far from home trying to build a life with you and your family is acting like jackasses? GEES

I think sometimes in ME/NA some of us forget the importance of the family being supportive of the relationship is substantial and flows both ways from not only the ME/NA family,but also the American one. Jen you are between a rock and a hard place and I cannot imagine having to make that choice. I do not know if your fiancé has made the choice for you though since he says he wants to go back to Morocco. I do think though that with adequate savings and his family's support, you two could likely make it abroad and you can always reapply for another visa down the road.

Good Luck either way

well I certainly dont have any magic words of advice except to say I am so sorry its going like this for you. I think what your family is doing sucks and is absolutely being done to control you, not love you. take care and hang in there.

Hey,

I don't have much advice but I was in the same situation as you this summer. My family (with whom I was very close) completely cut me off for a few months. The guilt really got to me. They have started to come around, very slowly, but the family dynamics are different now. I believe your parents will come around, but it will take some time, and you are in for some rough times until they do.

I would really try to work things out between you and him. I love my family to death, but like you said, I don't want the same life as they had. It is hard but sometimes you have to really do what is best for you. I really believe that one day they will come around.

You can PM me if you want, I wish the best of luck to both of you.

Christina

Oh wow, Jen. That is terrible -- the pressure they are putting on you is horribly unfair. It was so manipulative for your family to invite you two to come live with them, and then pull this act.

I don't know what to tell you -- this is something you have to decide for yourself. I will say if it was me, I wouldn't want to live under their roof for another second -- I would never allow my family to treat my husband so disrespectfully. I know it's killing you, and I can only imagine how your fiance feels.

Only you can make the decision on what's right for you. So sorry to hear you're having to deal with a situation like this...



-MK

Follow your heart

agreed. i'd be quite peeved if my family tried this crap on me

I'm sorry Jen. I cut off my parents from all communication for a little while and only recently have they started to come around, though I have a feeling it's because I have the only grandchildren and not because they miss me.

If I were to do everything my parents want me to do I'd be so effin' miserable. I say move out and live your own life together. You both have good jobs you can make it. I know it's tough to give up the inheritance, financial support but you know what? It's the most freeing thing I've ever done. No more holding loans over my head to manipulate me, etc.

I really hate it when someone offers me an ultimatum and claims it is out of love. BS!!! Love would be that they should voice their concerns then back off and let you decide. Then they support your decisions. If by chance they are right then there is no need to say "I told you so", but rather "We are here for you". I don't know your SO, but my best guess is that he feels like he is breaking up your family, he is depressed because he doesn't know where to turn, and he thinks he is saving everyone by backing off. Unless he comes from a wealthy family in Morocco he is probably right that you can't make it there...how would you feed yourself?

I know that none of us can really tell you what to do, this has to be decided by you because only you know everyone involved. If it were me I would tell my family "Thank you for your concern, but they have chosen to push you out of their lives, and you will oblige". I would then tell your SO that you love him, you want him to stay and work it out, but if he choses to go back you will support him 100%. Then work on getting yourself in the best possible situation to be self supportive. If no one has this much power over you then they will never be able to intimidate you again.

Hugs to you.
"

I agree You need to go get married and start your life with your new hubby. And not worry about the family right now. They can not pick out your partner and they shouldn't even try. Girl go get married

I am sorry for you troubles.

Abdou is probably suffering from culture shock and the added burden of not feeling welcomed by your family. Which makes it understandable that he is easily inclined to return to Morroco.

HOWEVER, if he really loves you, then the idea of you going to Morocco to be with him would not be opposed by him.

What if you have Abdou sign a pre-nup agreement stating that any inheritances or funds from your family are not to be considered part of the communal property in marriage. Your wealth from family finances are yours exclusively.

Would that make your family feel more assured?

Maybe I am hard headed, but I would never give in to ultimatums. It just proves they can do it over and over again. A loving family doesn't do this to someone they care about.

We have very few shots at love in our life. Hang on. When our families all have their own families, or are no longer on earth with us...who will YOU be with in YOUR old age? Parents have a way of coming around. I for one made it clear from the start not to put me in a position to choose, cause my place is with my love. He is the one I have to live with.....they will not be there on cold lonely nights to comfort you, they will not be the ones to hold your hand when you are sick...they will not share your bills, your sadness, your happiness, they will not share your life as your fiance/husband will. They dont walk in your shoes, nor you in theirs and they do not define who you are, or what direction your life should take. I say stand your ground...let them know that is their own choice but that your door is always open if they change their mind. But that you love this man, and will stand by him. You will marry him, make a life with him and if it was a mistake, the so be it. It was YOUR mistake to make. Then marry the love of your life...and be happy. Good luck.

I can feel your sorrow. My mother tried the same thing with me when I came back from Jordan and told her I had married Ibrahim. She said that I would no longer be a part of her family, but you know what? She came around. Now, several months later as we wait for his arrival, I can't tell who is more excited, her or me. LOL I know if you choose to leave your parents home, the estangement will hurt for a while. Imagine what it's going to feel like if you let the love of your life walk away because of your families being against it. Do you really think there is going to be peace and harmony in the home with you knowing it is their fault (basically) that you let him get away from you?

It's your life, and you choose how to live it, not your parents. I think they would come around as well--it might not be till grandkids come around, and if not, you're starting a family of your own.



Take care of yourself and Abdou, I wish you well.

If you really believe in your relationship I would perservere. My mother gave me a hard time. Now that she is OK with that, she finds other things to give me a hard time about though. Your family is your family forever and I really feel that they will come around. If you let them control who you are with then you might regret it forever (and they might continue to control you forever). good luck

I agree...........I think your family will come around in time. I hope you find the strength to do what's right for you and Abdou. Wishing you the best.

Excellent advice ! I agree 100%.

Tell your family that you find it insulting to second guess your choice and judgment with their manipulations.
And that he loves you for who you are and not a green card and their accusations are unfounded.
Show them you mean it or your own hesitation will be fodder for their agenda.
Put your foot down for once and for all and stand by your man.
Move out. He must feel extremely uncomfortable there.

What a shame

Best of luck

First of all I want you to know the decision to make is only yours nobody can tell you what to do right now maybe people have been in alike situations but not the same one just listen to your heart he came ,change his whole world for you and you did the same for him and now you are making a life decision who may cost you your happiness starting over is not that easy take that into account .

God luck with everything .

Don't let them break you no matter what there reasons are for trying to keep you apart from your soulmate they can't be stronger than theones that make you think you love him and you miss him with all your heart .

Keep loving each other as much i you can I will keep you together in heart and soul .

Sereia, if you ever need a VJ buddy let me know, I am actually located just a few minutes from you.

My advice will be short and sweet: In life we make mistakes but when you have a gut feeling and you know something is right you need to just go with it.

My wife asked me the same question when I proposed (well it was a few days later). It took her time to adjust to everything. We got approval from her whole family and everyone gets along famously now.

Not everyone can be as open and understanding and frankly maybe if I was "dark skinned" they wouldn't have approved. Being her family is entirely Jewish, I doubt me being Muslim would have worked.
Everyone has their problems, her mother and I argue constantly about religion as I am hardline Athiest and she is a faith based Christian. But we realize that is just life and it's not something we really care about enough to "hate" each other.

It's time for you guys to move on and out of the house. Find roommates and get a place, or do whatever it takes. That environment is not safe.

Also a personal feeling... if my family EVER treated me like the way you are being treated I would walk up to each and every single one of them, punch them in the face, stare them down while they are on the ground and say "Fu*k you, you're out of my life." and I would NEVER speak to them again. Ever, for any reason.
That attitude to me is absolutely unforgivable and according to my personal moral code, against the rules of life. This is just me however. I know when it's best to hold them and fold them.

Jenn,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation - it must be very hard. Please take care of yourself and Abdu and follow your heart - this is your life. Ultimatums never work and I am surprised that your parents aren't able to see that and no matter what decision you would make your relationship with them would be ruined - I think that if you would stay your ground they will eventually come around and see that you are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions.

Maybe you should head back to NY and start fresh with Abdu at your side. I realize that adjustment is not easy for everyone - Jamal went thru hell but he made it and is doing much better so I have a feeling if you both move out from the unhealthy situation with your family your love with thrive and so will Abdu.


Please do not hesitate to contact me.

Love always,
D.

this is such a heartbreaking situation....... and its the hardest test ever!! but i say move out with ur man and start a new life together. so what if u struggle for awhile at least he is right there next to u to comfort u and take away any pain. finding someone who loves u this much is a gift a very rare one!!! so hold it soo tight and go ahead in life with strong beliefe that this will work out. prove ur family wrong and you will see how they come back to you.

u ll be in my prayers.

Sereia,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you need to do what feels right for you regardless of anyone else, including your family.

The decision has to be yours and not your parents or friends, etc. Life is precious and too short....I suggest you follow your heart and if you want to be with Abdou....then be w/him....If your parents come around, great they have an opportunity to be an extended part of you and ur new husband's family...If not, then that is their choice, and their loss...you cant live your life to please others that's for sure......trust your instincts............

good luck,
Melinda

Sereia,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you need to do what feels right for you regardless of anyone else, including your family.

The decision has to be yours and not your parents or friends, etc. Life is precious and too short....I suggest you follow your heart and if you want to be with Abdou....then be w/him....If your parents come around, great they have an opportunity to be an extended part of you and ur new husband's family...If not, then that is their choice, and their loss...you cant live your life to please others that's for sure......trust your instincts............

good luck,
Melinda

Sereia,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you need to do what feels right for you regardless of anyone else, including your family.

The decision has to be yours and not your parents or friends, etc. Life is precious and too short....I suggest you follow your heart and if you want to be with Abdou....then be w/him....If your parents come around, great they have an opportunity to be an extended part of you and ur new husband's family...If not, then that is their choice, and their loss...you cant live your life to please others that's for sure......trust your instincts............

good luck,
Melinda
triple post sorry - - computer froze?!

Who is it that tries to convince everyone that I make this stuff up?

Jen, honey, I can't say I'm surprised that your mom and family are putting the pinch on you and Abdou. I'm gonna tell you straight out, coz I know no other way, DON'T LET THEM. What kind of resentment will you have if you allow them to break you away from the man you love and he from you? And what kind of adult will you be allowing them to manipulate and control you.

My family has some money and some of them tried hard to manipulate me from marrying a Christian when I was 18. I did it anyway, best thing I ever did! I not only set them straight about the boundaries between them, I let them know that if they wanted to be part of my life, they had to do it fairly and not with malice. We weren't going to live that way.

You can fold, or you can stand up for yourself. If your family is wise, and trusts that they raised you well, they will come around. If they are more intent on being right than being fair, they will stay away. We "threw" our children out of the nest because we raised them to be self-sufficient adults. If your family raised you to be dependent and weak, they will soon find out if that's what they got, and you will be the one that lets them know.

Best to you both!

I think that you are making a very good point and I couldn't say it any better. Thank you!
D.

I am sorry that this is happening to you but i agree with the others. if i learned one thing in my life it is that you have to be happy for yourself it doesn't matter what people think. You have to do what makes you happy because if the situation was reversed i think that they would do what was best for them. You will be in my prayers and no matter what i know you will make the right decision.




AJ1

hey sorry to hear all the problems, maybe look at it from another view point, he gave up everything he knew to take the chance with you i would take that stand with him, marry live here where ever you both choose and have the life you had planned.

Oh jen, I am sooo sorry. What did you end up doing? I have no good words of advice for you.


In general I will say that I have mentioned this over and over again on this formum- the importantce of family in a MENA relationship - on both sides. I know someone whose mother-in-law is adding a complication to the adjustment process. It's so much easier when both families are are board with the couple's decision. It doesnt mean the marriage can;t work, it just makes it so much easier. I know everyone likes to speak of love love love, but love isnt enough and love is nto the only factor that goes into making a marriage work.

Jen I hope today is better for you. You have alot of friends and support here.

Jackie
did I really see a tiara on the previous page?

Yes - what her family is doing reminds me of what my (also Nepali Hindu)ex's family did - his mom went totally psycho when she found out he wanted to marry me, threatened suicide, took my ex's passport and hid it in a locked room, put sleeping pills in his food so he would stay at home under her control... Both she and his dad would not even eat in the same room as me since I was 'casteless'. I can only imagine how the situation would have been if we had married, how horrible he would feel to be in a strange new country without his family a phone call or email away when times get rough.

What a difference it is with G's family, though they both come from high-caste Hindu backgrounds - from the beginning I felt 100% accepted by his family and I talk with them on the phone all the time, also chat with my SIL.

If your family is only using the issue of inheritance and not actually kicking you out of the house or threatening violence(against you, fiance or themselves), then if I were in that situation it would be difficult(since I just gave my ex's example of how family is important) but I would follow my heart and marry my love, especially since he has come so far and you both have been through so much. Maybe even go to Morocco, see if you can possibly even get a job teaching English or something like that - this is G and my plan B if our visa is denied. Hopefully like others said in time your family will come around - good luck...

wow...thanks to everyone for all the warm support and great advice! i thought long and hard about it after i posted (and after a fight with my mom, brother, and sis-in-law), and we decided to get married anyway! it was a sad day full of crying and runny makeup. i never imagined my wedding day would be like that. i never imagined we'd be going to the courthouse alone and the only one congratulating us was the people who performed the ceremony. but we did it, and we can have a real wedding down the line someday and i hope people will be with us to celebrate our love.

abdou really wanted to return to morocco to be in the comforts of a family who accepted him, not because he wanted to leave me. we chatted with his family on webcam and they welcomed us back with their open arms. it really touched me and made me cry. i wish my family would be so accepting like that! my family just talks behind my back and then threatens me with money the day of our wedding. i really believe my family will eventually come around. maybe i'm fooling myself? but definitely not until we've been married, he has his green card, and he is settled in a better career.

and we must move out. and asap. my mom is manipulative and destructive to our lives. yesterday she called me while we were on our way to the wedding and she congratulated us and said "god bless you"! huh?! then this morning i walk by her whispering on the phone to god knows who about our wedding. she is always stirring up the pot...............from now on i'm not going to share my feelings with her and we'll move out and live our lives together. i think going back to nyc might be the best option for now. no cars/licenses needed, i have a support system of friends, and jobs are easy to come by. who knows why i ever left!!! i won't let her manipulate me again into easy living. easy on the pocket, not easy on our hearts. i wanted to move back to california so i could be close to them if my parents got sick, to be there for my nephew, and share quality time together not on the phone. but i guess that can't happen right now. *sigh*

thanks again to all that responded. you don't know how much i appreciate your advice!
we're married!!!!!!!!!!!

I do hope you decided to go ahead with your wedding. You are making a life with your fiance not with your family. I know life can be hard but if you two work together, you can make your own way and not be in debt to your family. It may be hard but probably worth it. You have to know that your family may come around but be ready to accept it if they don't. I would think it would be very difficult to be living in a home where possibly both of you feel uncomfortable especially your fiance. He may speak of returning to Morocco because he needs to know he has you here to count on. If not, he is totally on his own. That would have to be a very lonely feeling. My parents are no longer with me but I feel they would have loved my husband. My two sisters and brother decided even before he arrived that he would be a terrible person and treat me horribly. They never gave him a chance because they feel they know more than he or I do. Well, it's been almost 2 1/2 years since he arrived and we married and they haven't come around and I don't expect them to. I went into our marriage with this in mind but having my husband here has been a wonderful experience and a wonderful life to share. I would have missed more than I could imagine had I let my family influence me. I have a grown daughter who is totally supportive of our marriage and a big part of our lives. I only say all this to hope you do decide to marry, move out on your own, begin your life as a married couple and if your family does turn around, good and if not, you'll build a life you'll love. Unfortunately many marriages end all over the world, and most not because of a green card.

Good Luck
Doreen

I see you just posted as I was making my post.

CONGRATULATIONS

Doreen

Good for you!!!!!! and Congratulations!!

I think you made the right decision, Jen. And you're right about keeping your feelings to yourself. Maybe it's a bit manipulative in itself, but holding out on details of your life really does wonders as far as the judgmentalism goes. She will learn to bite her tongue if she wants to know anything about what you're doing. Unfortunately you'll never be able to control what she says behind your back.

Congrats to you and Abdou on your wedding!

might i also suggest this book, it's a good read

Congrats Jen!

Congrats Sereia! I'm glad you decided to go ahead with the marriage. Good luck getting out and on your own

congratulations jen and abdou!!!!

I have to comment..............I don't know you in person but from what I've seen your post you were MUCH happier living in NYC!!!