I was definitely scratching my head over that one.

Me too! I read it about 5 times then just exited the thread all together.

Me too...

I will never say never, but I've doing my best to never let it happen! My Jordanian Aunt "so and so" wants to introduce me to her neighbors <daughter, sister, and other female relative>, I stop calling/talking to her, if my mom starts a sentence with "I met a nice girl...", I give her the silent treatment, or if my co-workers mention they have a cousin that lives in <fill in any foreign country>, I lie and tell them I am dating someone. It was hell before and she wasn't worth the time, effort and especially my hard earned money for a chance to live in greatest country on Earth with (allow me to be self-centered) one helluva "DUDE", not the worm. ;-) I don't think I could invest another 2 years and come out with nothing.

ty Kimberlyanne - i tend to use humor - and ty i will enjoy my visit - u too - - and on a side note - i hope and feel i got it right this time...and if not - i would like to think i wouldn't do this again....but i hate to say never to anything.....

I would run...... and run fast!

Hello All,

My 22 year old son always tells me I am living a "fairytale". What else can you call it? Well, fairytales have happy endings, don't they? As long as it is my fairytale, I might as well ask that this marriage lasts my lifetime so I don't have to even think about going through hell and back again.

But I have some questions for all of you. When you started your relationships, did you have any idea what the cultural differences would be like? Do you think after a lifetime of upbringing, it would be easy to discard learned ways (this goes for both of you)? Are you both willing to compromise? Did you ask alot of questions to understand what is expected of an Egyptian spouse? After asking, did you discuss the issues you had that were brought up? Did you explain what your expectations of him/her are? Did you ask what differences your loved one expected to see when he/she came here and then discuss them? Have the two of you discussed religion, sex and politics? ( This is a big one.) I know you are probably thinking I am looney tunes right now, and I am. AP does that to you. However, it has also given Ahmed amd I alot of time to talk about life and figure out what our strengths and weaknesses are.

Would I do it again? Well, I never thought I would do it this time. Go figure........

Sue

Why does he think you're living in a fairytale?

But I have some questions for all of you. When you started your relationships, did you have any idea what the cultural differences would be like?
When our relationship started, I honestly thought that all ME'ers were terrorists and all ME countries were bad. I had no "real" idea what their culture was until I started talking to the hubster every day.

Do you think after a lifetime of upbringing, it would be easy to discard learned ways (this goes for both of you)?
Absolutely not. Hubster has been here allllllmost 2 years now and we're still working on our upbringing vs. each others ways.


Are you both willing to compromise?
I would have to say yes on some things and no on some things. This is a very hard milestone for us. We both thought it would be easier to accept our differences than it has been, although I can't really complain all that much about anything outside of the normal husband/wife complaints.

Did you ask alot of questions to understand what is expected of an Egyptian spouse?
no, can't say that I've ever asked what is to be expected of an Egyptian spouse but yeah, we did discuss culturally what was expected of spouses in each of our countries...and for both husbands and wives in both countries.

After asking, did you discuss the issues you had that were brought up?
You bet we did. We had countless hours of discussions on these things.

Did you explain what your expectations of him/her are?
We discussed everything from who should do the dishes / and why, to who should take out the trash/and why. We both fully understood what was expected of us before we got married.

Did you ask what differences your loved one expected to see when he/she came here and then discuss them?
We tried but neither of us were sure #1 how he was gonna feel once he got here and #2 he had no idea what it was really like to live here. I tried many times to explain things to him but nothing hit home faster or better than actually being here. Nothing can really prepare them for it imho.

Have the two of you discussed religion, sex and politics? ( This is a big one.)
Ohhh yeah....alllll the time. Religion was one of our daily discussions coz I wanted to know more about what my SO believed. The other stuff, mhmm we had many a talk about what our preferences were.



Good post. These are some of the most vital things to go over again and again until u know each other frontwords, backwards, sidewards...every which way, shape, and form.
As I stated before, nothing can prepare them for life in america as much as just being here. they think they have this idea of what it is like here (much like we had ideas of their countries before going there) and it is definitely a shock when they get here and see the reality of our day to day lives.

amal

While family was vacationing in Jordan - they rented an apartment. My *much* younger brother (I'm an Arab, remember? ) decided he was going to open and close the cast iron gate to the apartment at ... 12:00am.

Needless to say, after about the 20th time of doing that - the neighbor ... a very, very angry Egyptian woman ... came out on the balcony next door:

(translation)

"YOU LITTLE ANIMAL! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM! I'M GOING TO COME DOWN THERE AND CHOP YOU INTO A MILLION PIECES!"

She then proceeded to storm down and start pounding on the door. My brother hid under a bed - while my aunt wondered what was going on (lol) and calmed the lady down. LOL. So, does that fit the Egyptian spouse?

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

Jackie
fergilicious

I really hate the ones that don't. Kinda defeats the point of a "fairytale" to me...... besides that I'm usually a total romantic and an optomist (only occasionally sarcastic and bitter, and only on my really bad days )

"You little Animal!!!" Oh, do I wish I could be like her!!!!!! Sorry Ky, but good for that old lady! A couple of months ago a family moved in upstairs with maybe a 2yr old..... he is the noisiest neighbor EVER!. A lot of days I want to go up there and tie him to something....

Back on topic, though....Amal hit on most things the same way I would, but I have to add something. He's not from anther planet. He knows that there's TWO of you in this marriage and that YOU have expectations too. If in the begining you just focus on being everything he wants, its really really easy to forget (And he won't remind you) to demand what you expect too and you can turn into a doormat fast, and thats a hard thing to turn around.
Anyways, thats all I got for now

Amal, hope you don't mind I used your formatting.

But I have some questions for all of you. When you started your relationships, did you have any idea what the cultural differences would be like?

Not completely, I think you can't know that until you are together. But we did discuss everything we could think of about each other's countries.

Do you think after a lifetime of upbringing, it would be easy to discard learned ways (this goes for both of you)?

I wouldn't marry someone whose learned ways were very drastic from mine. You can be from another country but still have in common some ways of behaving. The same happens in marriages anyway, with a USC with a USC. Upbringing will affect how you are, but if you don't like how someone is you shouldn't marry them.


Are you both willing to compromise?

Yep...been doing it for awhile now. 3rd wedding anniversary was last week. And he's been in the US a little over 3 years now.

Did you ask alot of questions to understand what is expected of an Egyptian spouse?

To put this into my context: an Indian Spouse instead of Egyptian...No I did not ask that nor did he ask what is expected of an American spouse. We instead asked what do you personally want in a spouse, nationalities aside. Again, I would not marry someone who had a strong cultural expectations of me but themselves would not meet expectations I had. It can't just be one way. It was more of what I would want in any husband, not relating to nation, vice versa. .

After asking, did you discuss the issues you had that were brought up?

Yeah, chatting and talking on the phone for 2 years before even meeting face to face, you have lots of time to talk about everything under the sun. Then 11 more months of chatting before he came.

Did you explain what your expectations of him/her are?

I guess, but it sounds so formal that way. I guess if you need to discuss like that you should. But we instead just talked about how we thought our daily life together will be. Not who had to do what. And if I didn't like the person he was while getting to know him and didn't think he'd be the kind of guy I wanted, I wouldn't have married him. I had 3 main criteria I wanted in a future spouse:
-Older than me (like a couple or few years) b/c I was tired of being around immature guys
-Already had established career (been around too many guys who had no plans for their futures nor career ideas)
-Christian behavior


Did you ask what differences your loved one expected to see when he/she came here and then discuss them?

We always talked about life in our countries. He was not in the dark completely. India has some western aspects. English spoken in many workplaces, international news and lots of focus on news in the US. Some social aspects are very different. Things are more formal there and more laid back here. But he knew about them ahead of time, it was just a matter of actually being around it 24/7.

Have the two of you discussed religion, sex and politics? ( This is a big one.)

Of course we did. We became friends b/c of discussions about religion. It was after those talks that we fell in love. The other 2 yes, we discussed our stance on those issues.

I agree that discussing everything possible you can think of is very important. Even try to think of the smallest details in life and discuss that too. There will be cultural adjustments for your SO no matter how hard you prepare them, but still at least they may remember a conversation you had about a certain situation which will help them deal with it better.

Maybe this doesn't count,(and sorry since I am not MENA) but I was engaged to another Nepali guy, did research into the whole K-1 process, posted here under another username... Our relationship broke up before I filed because his mom was crazy, wanted him to marry her chosen bride(even another girl in same caste chosen by him would not make her happy) and is still making his life miserable but he doesn't want to go against her wishes - she stole his passport at one time, threatened to kill herself... I love Nepali culture and people but was very wary to get involved with another Nepali Hindu after this nightmare... That said, I met and married another wonderful guy who happens to be Nepali Hindu, and his family loves me - but - get this - he has the same very common family name as my ex!!!. I had to make sure they were not cousins I thought the research I had done for the K-1 would help but the K-3/CR-1 process seems much more complicated - need to get the apps in but I am fretting over every small detail, it is driving me crazy!!!

These are great questions for all of us on every single regional thread on this board.

I'm not MENA; but I can tell you if my marriage doesn't survive, I will run and run fast the next time I hear a Jamaican accent anywhere in my vacinity!

Good questions Sue I'm pretty sure we covered all of those before we started a long-distance relationship, but if not they have been covered in the 1 1/2 years since.

But I have some questions for all of you. When you started your relationships, did you have any idea what the cultural differences would be like?
I didn't know anything about ME men when I met him, but I was very interested in learning and he was really happy to have me meet alot of people he knew in our area. He took me to the halal butchers shop and Muslim book store - oh, and there was this egyptian store that had this cheese I absolutely loved and we went there every week and hung out with his friends. We met in France, he is very used to the culture, and kinda assumes the US will be a little like that (even though he's met my american friends there and heard them complain about france). I've told him it's very different but he says he doesn't care, he will get used to it and he will live anywhere as long as it's with me. we'll see how he feels when he gets here.

Do you think after a lifetime of upbringing, it would be easy to discard learned ways (this goes for both of you)?
Absolutely not. I know most of his ways and he knows mine, stayed in his house in Egypt, but I know living together everyday is going to be an adjustment. We made an agreement of always listening to and respecting eachother and he's always been good on the compromise issue (I'm working on it ).


Are you both willing to compromise?
Yes, although we both have some things we are not willing to compromise on. We know and agree on those so I'm hoping our good trend continues


Did you ask alot of questions to understand what is expected of an Egyptian spouse?
We discussed it generally, what I expected and what he expected... actually after he proposed, I came back the next day (after saying yes) and said "wait, we need to talk about this and I have a few questions for you"

After asking, did you discuss the issues you had that were brought up?
absolutely

Did you explain what your expectations of him/her are?
Yes, in very clear terms. I even told him I suck at cooking (he's always cooked for me, i've never cooked for him), he will probably be doing all of that and I have a list of things I want his help with around the appt. when he gets here. He told me he likes to cook (but he'll teach me if I want, I can't be that bad ) and and doesn't have any problems with the rest and we've always shared chores when there were any to be done.

Did you ask what differences your loved one expected to see when he/she came here and then discuss them?
After all the above discussions, he knows what to expect as much as he can IMO. He will just have to come here and experience it.

Have the two of you discussed religion, sex and politics? ( This is a big one.)
"Ohhh yeah....alllll the time. " ditto

This is definetly by far one of the most difficult situations i have ever been in before in my entire life honestly. For my man i would do it all over again but with someone else i can't say that i would do this again its too stressful, and everything is up in the air because unlike a normal relationship you have no idea what is going on about anything all we have is statistics on here of others to go buy as guesses as to when we are to get from one step to the next. One thing i learned everyones case is sooo different. I thought my man would have his visa by now 1-6 months but we past that already. I also don't think i could go through seeing my someone on the other side of me on a computer and can't touch him, or hearing his voice over the phone and can't say " Hey what about dinner tonight my treat" Its just too hard and painful, and i could not put my kids through this again because they are suffering right along with me because they want my love here so bad as i do.




AJ1

Hi All,

I too, am not MENA, but you could bet your last penny that I would NEVER do it again-EVER. At times, it nearly put me over the edge.

I have heard, "never say never"...but I can tell you-NEVER. It's just too much-ALL of it...

Rose

and you know what??? sometimes.. no matter HOW MUCH you talk about the future.. religion.. sex and politics.. no matter HOW MUCH TALK.. online.. on the phone... in person.. Sometimes even that doesnt prepare you for when you are face to face - actually living together.. Sometimes putting all those WORDS into action just doesnt happen..

you can talk til the cows comes home... But actually putting all that into action is the TRUE TEST.

what font is that? I like it!

silly...

i only made the size bigger.. thats all