Hello Everyone,

Tomorrow Sept. 16 will be 1 month that my fiance has been in the US. As I don't see a lot of posts about the trials and tribulations after they arrive, I decided to start a thread and be very honest. So, here I go:

I love my fiance with all my heart and I am so glad that he is here! I don't miss ordering calling cards, bad connections, waking up at 1, 2, or 3 a.m. because of the time difference there, and my heart breaking from not receiving daily hugs and kisses. Yet, it has been a major adjustment. I don't know if it is different when the fiance is a woman coming to the US. I think so because for a woman to depend on a man is natural, but I think it hurts a man's pride to be dependent on a woman, especially strong African men. I must say that I have a strong personality, but I am trying my best to adjust and not make him feel like a little kid, but how do you do that when you are responsible for teaching him about his new home. How do you explain clothing, respect issues, and other cultural aspects without coming off as being bossy ?

I have a job that is demanding. Basically, I take care of people and figure out how to fix/solve situations all day. Then, I come home and I'm responsible for someone else's needs all the way to the food they will consume. I don't like to worry about what I'm going to eat let alone another person . Yet, I signed up for this journey and I don't regret it. He gets mad at me, I get upset with him, He gets mad at me again and again and again you get the picture. I know this is par for the course. However, I wish I had a place where I lived where people in this situation got together and shared how they adjusted, but I don't so I'm coming here and hopefully my sharing will help me and someone else.

I thank God that I waited to the ripe old age of 34 to get married because I know what it takes to stand strong through disagreements, hurt feelings, anger, and impatience. We know how to say we are sorry, most of the time, and I just let it go. The bible is our guide and helps to keep us bonded and grounded. I focus on his wonderful qualities like how he comes into the garage when he hears me come home. He opens the car door and tells me "Your Welcome." He carries any bags I have, including my purse. He cleans the house, cuts the grass, and keeps his things nice and neat. He calls me 'Queen.' More importantly, he left everything that he has known to come be with me . Therefore, I pray for patience, guidance, an attitude adjustment, and the ability to be a good wife!

I wish you all success on your approvals and the continued adjustment to your SO !

I always enjoy these adjustment topics, we have another neat one floating around somewhere in sub-saharan, I need to find it and bump it, we talked about having a meeting as a group in there. I agree support would be very beneficial, to see how other couples cope.
Unfortunately I can not add my 2 cents yet because my baby is still not here yet but at least I can read and learn when my time comes.

I would say teaching with respect and not in a condescending tone is important. Just think about the things he had to teach you about the different culture and way of live in Africa.
I remember I didn't do a very good job scrubbing my clothes in a bucket with a bar of soap so my fiance just said here let me do that and of course
he did a much better job than I could have. He taught me about things over there, how to crush peppers and so on.

I myself anticipate more cultural misunderstandings during communication more than anything else.

I hear that after the initial " honeymoon period " some depression and irritability may set in with the realization that this will be permanent.


I so agree with inviting God into the marriage and not just to the wedding Sounds like you have found a true gift from God with your man.
I wish you the best.

NigerianLove,

Do I know you from somewhere?!?! Your posting is almost an exact replica of what I too have gone through! Wow!

OK. Now that I am almost over the shock (seriously, a lot of what you stated really is a duplicate of things I've gone through) I wish to share a few things with you.

My husband has been here for one year and 8 months. Like yourself, I too love my husband dearly, and often times whisper a prayer of thanks for such a wonderful blessing. Even when things start to turn upside down, I am still thankful. But even with the best of thoughts in mind, we must take into consideration that two lives are now becoming one. So ... how does a 30+, career oriented woman deal with this strong African man she's been blessed with?!?!?

1. Build him up every moment you can. For example: instead of paying bills on line, and pulling out the money for the grocery - give him the responsibility of taking care of such matters. When my husband arrived, I would give him a wad of cash to take care of the household expenses. To this day I don't know if he was excited about seeing the money, or feeling empowered to make sure things are being taken care of. In either case he quickly learned the concept of how easily money diminishes when bills are needing to be paid. And it also makes him feel like "HE" is the big man on campus when we approach the counter and grocery, movie tickets, etc., etc. needs to be paid for. Even to this day - I don't even reach for my purse, because he likes feeling like he's taking care of things.


2. Watch your tone of voice! Personally I am a get to the point, and tell the whole truth type of girl. So far this way of thinking has proven to be successfull (career wise), but when you are home with you man .... try, try, t-r-y to soften things a bit. He already does not have a job, don't know his way around, and does not have friends and family nearby (we live in a small southern town). You are indeed all he's got. So instead of telling him what to do ... ask him what does he think, or how does he suggest something gets done? This puts the burden on his shoulders (makes him feel empowered), and it may start to challenge his thought process as to how things are done here. By the way, sometimes when he refuses to answer a question, and trys to put the ball back in your court, it may be his 'manly' way of acknowledging that he does not know how, or what to do.

3. I have so much more to say, but I will end this post with the following:
Make God and central part of your relationship. NOTE: There is a difference between each of you having God in your lifes individually, versus collectively as a couple. I think one of the best things for my marriage was having premarital counseling. Our sessions were not totally about whether we were right for each other, but mainly are we prepared to do things God's way. For example: when you are frustrated when him, and want to scream at the top of your lungs, I challenge you to review Proverbs 31 and see if that's how God really wants you to be; also - when he is struggling with adjusting to life here (food, environment, etc., etc.) provide him with the reassurance that God have and always will make a way. The Bible is our guide for everything.

Like I mentioned earlier, I could say a whole lot more, but for now I will end it here (sorry for such a long post). But as you stated earlier "this is a journey you signed up for." So be appreciate for the 'little' things he does that makes it worth while.

I wish you and everyone else the best!

Boaz

This is an awesome thread!!! My husband leaves Nigeria today and we will be reunited on 9/17. This topic is a major concern for me, because I know that he will be like a fish out of water here initially. I've tried to prepare him as much as I could verbally, but seeing is believing and I know that he will have to experience American life for himself. That being said, I have been preparing myself for taking on the role of "mother" (and I hate to say that) but, it's essentially what I will be doing. We are both praying that God leads us through the beginning of this marriage. We have been married for 1 year and 7 months, but the marriage will truly begin when he steps foot in this house with me. I think it will help to have the support of other people who are dealing with the same issues. I will make sure to keep updates on how we are progressing.


Tiana

Boaz,

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I too am a get to the point and tell the truth girl . I like the idea of him having cash and paying for things in the store. He doesn't look at prices. For example, we went to a special market to find foods from his country. He gets what he needs. I go off and explore the store and let him do his thing. I come back to the cart and he has some type of fish in the cart. I asked him if the fish was used in a special dish that they prepared at home. He said no that he liked the way it looked so he knew he would like it. I thought I would lose my mind, but I didn't say a word. I simply stated that we are on a budget and that it cost $11 which was a lot in light of everything else that we needed to buy. He picked up some other items that he didn't know the price. I tried to explain to him that I look at prices and compare them, but he just got upset and started sucking his teeth (this drives me nuts because teenagers do this). So, you are right. I'm going to give him cash when we go shopping and tell him that's all we have to spend and let him do the shopping. He already understands about the bills. He's amazed at the taxes we have to pay and that we have to tip the waitress .

I am fortunate because we share the same religious beliefs, which is why the bond is so strong. Maybe the men are different in Cameroon, but my fiance would never sit through premarital counseling! Shoot, I hope he doesn't read this because he gets on this site . Please feel free to send me a PM.

Iyawo,

Girl, you hit the nail on the head! It is exactly like being a mother, which I don't want to do and is probably why he feels like a kid sometime. Dang, how do you balance that when it is like a kid that you are teaching everything. I wish he was self-sufficient because it would make my job easier and cut down on 90% of the arguments. I mean he was daddy when I was over there visiting and I accepted it. Actually, I appreciated it. As career-oriented as I am, I loved depending on him! But he is a man and it is totally different. Sometimes, I want to him and sometimes I want to him on the head, but that's still my baby!

Things for us got better after he got a job. I feel horrible about the arguments that we have had over things that simply could have been avoided with more disscusion. I was a single mom for a long time working 2 jobs to get things taken care of and meet income requirements to get him here. I am used to doing everything by myself. My Husband is a VERY PROUD man, and would never take money that I handed over, he would not even like it for me to buy him things, he wants to take care of everything, and was frusterated when he could do nothing but sit by and watch me do it. It is amazing what a J-O-B will do! He is much easier to live with now. We are also moving in a few weeks to a larger home that we have picked out together, I am hoping that he will feel like the new home is more his than the place we are in now. I remind myself how hard it was to get him here, and how my heartached when he was not here and that helps to put things in perspective. I love my husband more than what I could ever measure, but I would be lying if I said there were no harsh words, or bitter feelings between us since he arrived in February. I wish none of them ever happened but you can't take them back, you can only learn from them and move forward. Remember that except for us they are alone in this country, that however grand we may think it is, it is not thiers, and at times they may only have us to understand and help them through the transition.
I wish that we comunicated to each other more in this forum about these sort of things, it helps to know that others are going through the same things. Sometimes I feel very alone and like the "bad guy" most of the time. I know that personaly I dont post much especially about something that may be seen as negative because there are people here from time to time that like to Nigerian bash, and jump on the scammer band wagon, which only further upsets me. I know none of those things are my husband and I dont want to add fuel to anyones fire. I hope that all of this rambling makes sense to somebody and helps them through what may be a rough time.

working on a relationship is just about the most difficult thing I have ever done and being with Claudeth is no different. I can say one thing, looking back at the two plus years she has been here has just been wonderful. I hope you continue your adjustments and continue sharing your progress with us.

I agree ... working on a relationship is a challenge. No one's individual situation is perfect. But both parties must be willing to try. Like Heather & Justice stated - I wish some of the things I said were never said. Believe me when I say that there have been times in which I showed out so bad, I just knew he would never come back home, or ever speak to me again (but thank God for mercy). Nevertheless, I do feel bad, but I've learned to forgive myself and focus on what God really desires.

I love this post! I wish we all lived nearby ......

Boaz

THANK YOU for posting this topic. Things have been slow for us and we STILL haven't submitted our paperwork yet, but this is SUCH VALUABLE information!!! I wish you all the best in adjusting to your new togetherness.

[
I love this post! I wish we all lived nearby ......

Boaz
[/quote]


I wish we all lived nearby as well, it is nice to know that we all have simular challenges. I dont mind PMs ...

Thanks everyone for posting your experiences. Our package left NVC last week and as excited as I am, I am also kind of apprehensive about the whole adjustment when he gets here. I know all too well how African men can be and I just hope that I have the patience and perseverance to manage as al of you have.

Now I know a little about what to expect.

I hope to be posting my own adjustment trials, tribulations and triumphs soon

Zee

I am so thankful for this post! Of course we all love our partners tremendously, but it is important to acknowledge that love is a battle, a beautiful one. as nana's arrival date approaches, I find myself excited, anxious, and also NERVOUS! he is an African man with a lot of PRIDE and he really likes to be the caretaker. Thus, I know it will not be easy for him to have to adjust to a new country as well as a new culture. I myself, am very strong-minded and naturally a tough ###! haha. so I'm already prepping myself to be as understanding and as considerate as possible. I moved into a larger apartment a few months ago, so that Nana and I would have a lot of space and the opportunity to have some "individual" space whenever needed. Even when decorating the apt, I tried to leave some things undecorated, so that he can have a say when he arrives. I don't want him to feel bombarded by everything being "me, me me!" so yeah, I get scared too. I am sooo happy to have this forum and I think it is important to have these threads! Let us never fail to keep up discussion!

I will definitely keep you all updated with adjustment, etc.

PEACE AND LOVE!!!

My SO and I currently do not cohabitate and we won't until after we get married. My sister and my niece moved in with me for a couple of months which I thought would be wonderful for my SO to really get to know them. It's been okay so far, except yesterday she said something that offended him and he got mad at me and I was like , what did I do? Dang, even God rested on Sunday. Anyway, one of the key points that everyone keeps saying is that African men have a lot of PRIDE. Thank goodness I have a high tolerance level! I can't wait for him to start working and being independent so he can stop telling me I treat him like a boy. I think once he is independent, he will feel valued. Right now, we are at a truce. We'll see how long it lasts.

I too am happy that you have posted this thread Nigerianlove. You are right by making the Bible the aspect of your home. That's great. As Boaz said, Proverbs 31 is a great passage of scripture. I read other passages in the bible as well such as Ephesians and Matthew in regards to husband and wife relations.

I am also a very independent person. I've been by myself for so long and now that the reality of being with a husband is coming soon, I am becoming very afraid I mean, I know that he is THE ONE. I just got to get into the habit of having a husband in my "realm". Actually, it is getting kinda scary. To be with someone for the rest of your life is...wow! I guess, that is why I've been so overly anxious and worried these few weeks before his interview. I believe it's not the part of him being approved or not, but it is the part where he would eventually be here and we have to prepare ourselves to be M-A-R-R-I-E-D! Shucks, I am just so used to being on my own. I am used to having unwashed dishes in the sink til the next day. I am used to kicking off my shoes and leaving them in the middle of the hallway floor all day. I am used to having my work and school paper lying around the house. I am used to forgetting to screw the toothpaste cap on my toothpaste, ha!

However, there are pros to the whole situation too. I live in the midwest and we sometimes get a smorgasboard of snow here in winter. I would have help in shoveling snow. He can cut the grass and take the garbage to the curb every Friday morning. Hey, those are manly things arent they? I try not to bruise his ego at all. I don't talk down to him. Not only African men, but men in general, ego can be bruised easily. Their egos liked to be stroked sometime. I always tell my guy how intricate he is when it comes to working with tedious objects. I give him pet names and he seems to purr like a lion when I give him those sweet pet names.

In order to get over the fact of being independent, I am preparing myself to be a wife and a virtuous woman for my husband. I want to make the Lord the rock of our marriage. Lord willing, when he get here, I want us to paint the living room together in the color that we want it. I told him that he will learn how to drive when he get here as well. He's been wanting to learn for the longest. That way he will be able to go places and be my chauffeur too. I once told him that I'm glad that he didn't learn to drive in Nigeria because he would pass on the prohibited driving techniques here in this State. It may crazy, but I don't want him to be too Americanized. I just want him to be his same sweet self, with the adjustment of just being in America.

Have you ever had a cat where you'd get another one for the first cat, but the first cat already knew that he was king of the castle. The first cat would get upset when another one would try to take over. That is how I am. I like my freedom. That is going to have to come to an end eventually. My friend said that I have to come out of my comfort zone, and SOON! Lord knows I want to be married, but I just gotta get out of the dogon comfort zone. I am getting better.

Great Thread!! My honey is going to be here hopefully in a month, and we both are going into it with an understanding that we are putting God first in our marriage and relying on him to guide us. I am fortunate I think because my fiance has been in Germany and Europe for the past three years, so while he is still my big strong African man, he also has already been exposed to some western civilization and understands somewhat what it is going to be like. He is very understanding and responsible, and used to taking care of himself, and I am going to try very hard to not treat him like a child.

Very good thread. I will have to come back tonight and post when I am not working. OP, you hit the nail on the head!

I am so happy to read this post. My fiance has been here for 5 days and we are already facing adjustments. I am a single mother of 2 children ane we are not co-habitating until the wedding either. He is so patient with me, but I truly almost lost it yesterday because I just did not realize how much I was going to have to teach him. I work all day, take the kids to sports and then have to make dinner. The kids and I get home and he is hiding in his room in bed because he is cold. He comes downstairs and sits and makes it obvious he is waiting for me to cook dinner. I kept my comments to myself but we had a LOOONNG talk last night and I explained that if this was how my days would be, then I would probably not feel like having "alone" time with him. Today, he was totally different. He never gets angry at me and is the "calm in a storm." Thus, today i felt guilty. So, we are working thru these things as they arise......

Girl, we are in a similar boat. Once again, I am at work and cannot type, but I will, lol.

I dont know if I can do it...
I am tired of being the enemy, I am tired of being ignored, I dont think that this is an adjustment period, I just think that he doesnt like me, and I am sad.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Just continue to be supportive and know that God put him in your life for a reason.

Hang on and don't take it personal if he seems to be in his own world. The way African men relate to their woman is just not the same as we expect it.
Talk and communicate and be patient. Tell him what you need from him. Show him, yet give him space.
Remember back in Africa......how many couples did you see together being affectionate for example ? Usually you see just groups of men
or young couples that are just dating. Where were all the woman ? At home. The culture is so different when it comes to relating and it takes a lot of time and patience.
We are all supportive here and that is what you need so don't hesitate to lean on someone here for support.
You are welcome to PM if you need to.
God bless

Personally, as a woman...I think sometimes we could have major mood swings...and confuse our SO's alittle (depending on the month). We also have those maternal instincts...loving, affectionate, and we love to be romanced and we LOVE attention. Where some men....are loving...but have a crazy way of showing it.

Right now...I feel alittle neglected...I work FT inside my home...then go to school a couple hrs..M-Thurs...have 2 school aged to take care of..I have a full plate. My hubby....goes to school 6 days a week plus works 20 hrs a week. He leaves the house before 8am and then doen't get home until 8:45pm...by the time he gets home...of course I give him some quiet time....but then it's bed time and I go to bed mad....I wake up in the morning mad ...everyday..same routine.

My point of view: Family should be #1 and he made the decission to go to school/work all the days/hours...and I am at peace w/ that...but devote alittle bit of time to me/kids....I feel very neglected.

His point of view: He is doing everything for a reason...to have a decent job and a better life for us. He wishes that I could just be understanding...he even went to the college counselor and explained everything. He is overwhelmed w/ school work and tests...and does not need me to be upset w/ him on top of it.

Outcome: I have prayed and came to peace w/ everything. I am trying to make his life alittle easier and have decided that I will support him and understand that this is a temporary situation for long term results. I will no longer take this personal....I will stand by him and sometimes make requests to have alittle free time together

Moral of the story: Stand by your man and make some lemonade w/ all the lemon's. It is nice when we all can share our stories and can really relate...because we are all in the same situation...just need the guidance and perserverance to over come all the obstacles that get in the way.

That sounds like a great approach. Remember to make special 'couple' time for a few hours each week for just the two of you.

My husband is also in school, and works full time. However, we do not have any children. So I don't want to say that I can relate (because I'm not completely in your shoes), but I do understand your frustration.

As Omoba mentioned - be sure to make special 'couple' time. In addition may I suggest that you make some "me" time just for you. I believe as women we are naturally nurturing individuals. We always want to make sure that everyone else is taken care of. But sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. Spend a few dollars, and a couple hours of your time by going out for a manicure/pedicure or at least a 30 minute massage. You are probably thinking - 'Boaz, easier said than done. You have no children, what do you know?' Yeah, yeah I know you are busy with the children, etc. but do try to make time just for you. In addition to the couple time mentioned earlier.

Take care.

I agree. Excellent advice!

Heather,

I know exactly how you feel and I believe my hubby and I went through same exact feelings about each other the first few months that he was here...I didn't think we would weather through that stage but we have and I noticed right around the 3rd month things got better..I mean for everyone the timeline is different but just keep the faith that thing will get better...I can so relate to what everyone is saying about adjustment..The first few days that they arive are so wonderful but once it wears off, then sets in all these issues being discussed...I know the adjustment phrase is probably one of the roughest and there maybe times when you both want to call it quits...African men coming to the US and having to depend on their women for money and everything else is very hard for them to swallow at first and we as their number support system get fed up with being treated like the bad person..I think alot of it is for both of you to realize that neither of you are the enemy..its just a matter of them getting their bearings and adjusting to a whole new lifestyle, responsibilities and a new culture that they are clueless to. My hubby has been on his own and has lived outside of his native country for years (he's lived in various parts of Europe) and even for him adjusting to life in the USA is quite different than anywhere he's ever lived. Things between us got better when he got his driver's license and felt more comfortable with my family. I do think that once they are able to work and/or feel more independent being here, things will get better. A lot of getting through this adjustment phrase involves much communication, prayer and compromise. Men, African or not, are not always so quick to voice out their frustrations in the way that most women are. I remember many times, I felt like I got the brunt end of his frustrations because he had nooone or nowhere else to let them out. All I can say is thing do get better but both of you have to keep reminding each other that this too shall pass. I think for those of us that USC's we sometimes have to put aside momentarily not ignore of course, our hurt feelings in all this and be their cheerleaders at this time. We turned to the bible alot for guidance. I remember reminding my husband that while he is depending on me right now (which he really feels so uncomfortable with) that there will be times in our marriage that I will need to lean on him and need more of his help. I just reminded him that for now, he can depend on me while he adjusts to life here and gets the ideal job for himself, etc.

On a lighter note, teaching my man how to drive ( he's used to driving rules with pretty much everything being the opposite,) nearly drove us both over the edge!!!-but this story is another post that I will save for later!!!

My SO is not here yet, but I'm reading up on this thread so I can be prepared...

I too work a whoooooole lot, and my honey and I have discussed that when he gets here, he probably won't be able to work. He has to take medical exams, and we decided its best that he not work until he pass them. I try to explain how things are here in the U.S. so he won't be totally shell-shocked when he gets here. I also explain to him that he's going to have to get used to me taking care of things financially until he gets on his feet. I told him to battle out all those pride issues before he gets here, because there really won't be much we can do to change that.

My question is....those of you that are experiencing transition issues with your SO....did you all talk about it before hand? When you decided to get married, and decided to have your SO migrate to the U.S., weren't these scenarios discussed? When I decided to get married, that's the first thing that popped in my head - my SO and his transition to a whole new country. I understand that talk and action are two totally different things - especially in marriage. But why wouldn't these things be discussed before hand?

I read someone's post where they mentioned being a mother figure to their husband who just arrived in U.S. -- uhhhh maybe that's not the best approach or analogy. Mothers have somewhat of an authoritative role....don't wanna come off that way to ur husband...u guys should be equals. If my fiance walked around acting like he was a father figure to me, I might get a bit defensive....but hey...what do I know...according to USCIS, he's nowhere near being here yet....

My SO is not here yet but we have known each other for 2 1/2 years now and these issues have been discussed.
My debt, my income, my lifestyle.........everything has been discussed. He knows he will sit here bored without work or a car
and knows things will be tough during the adjustment period. I will keep him busy with things around the house if he wants to tackle them.
I have introduced him per computer to my African friends and they are here for support and to lend an ear and he really is excited about
meeting them in person.
I am sure he will want to hang out with other males sometimes and talk with them. That way he won't feel such an overwhelming dependence on me.
But yes, all issues were and are being discussed.

Yes my hubby and I discussed these issues at length both on the phone many times and even during the 2nd visit I had with him before he came him over here. So when these issues did arise, he and I both remembered these talks we had to prep ourselves for the rough spots but you are absolutely right that talkin about scenarios versus when those scenarios are played out in real life are very different. My hubby always tried to remain optimistic but the transition to life here was especially hard for us in ways that we did not anticipate. For us, it was hard at times trying to keep separate the frustration that we felt about the transition versus the little nuances we felt about each other because at times it just all meshed into one great big monster and we would end up arguing over it.. just the overall stress and frustration about this whole transition period was so hard to swallow at times but after each misunderstanding, I really do believe it brought more clarity from where this was coming from and brought us closer to one another.

My hubby and I had countless conversations about getting married, living life together...shared all of our hopes and dreams....but then when it actually happens ...reality sinks in...and your life can take many unexpected turns. I honestly thought that my husband would do very well here...I mean I pictured him having a career...but unfortunately...it hasn't happened yet.

My husband has a 2 degrees....he recieved his master's last year in Europe....but he can not find ANY work in his field and he got discouraged..so now he is going to school for something else. It is very very hard to get a good job here even if you have degrees from other countries...that is sad. It might not be impossible...but pretty darn close....especially if you have no prior work exiperence...in the field. Right now he is getting his college transcripts evaluated...so I have my fingers crossed that they will be recognized for something good.

It is nice to have deep conversations and talk everything out before your loved one gets here....I had many "what if's" and it was nice just getting everything out in the open.

I did mention in a previous thread....that most women have those maternal instincts(caring, loving, compasionate)...but I did not mean mother figure...I would never try to be that....I agree with you...a man should only have one mother

I wish you and your SO the best in your future and I hope that everything goes according to plan....I am a very optimistic person and I like to hear about other people having that same attitude

When you are doing everything for a person to care for them you can't help but start to feel maternal in your role. But that is only temporary. You can't be equals philosophically if you are the one that has to had him money or tell him where to go or when to go and how to get there. It simply has to be a period of complete release and trusting for you to teach him what he needs to survive and thrive in a new environment. Bassi and I talk about this a lot but there is nothing like the practical. It's going to be a hard transition that we have to work through together. Marraige isn't easy even without all the cultural transitions. We have to commit to working hard just like we are working on this process just to get him over here. It's nice to have people's perspectives who are actually going through it. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes.

That is so true. This is my fiance's third week here and things have been smooth for the most part, but there have also been some frustrating parts in between. Booker and I spent countless HOURS discussing our lives and how things will be once he arrived. We both had a good idea of how life would be, but once we actually started going through the motions, it was harder than we expected. He honestly hasn't had a problem adjusting to life here even though he does get bored and mentions wanting to work, but he was prepared for that so he doesn't mention it often.

The hardest thing for us was adjusting to each other's personalities 24/7. I always knew he was quiet and he always knew I was loud and outgoing, but it magnified now that we are living together and we seriously had a rough 2 day "personality adjustment phase" last week because of it. It opened our eyes and the fact that we will be stuck together forever hit home and reality sunk in. We both discussed it and agree that we don't regret it, but it was a hard time for both of us. We also go back and think about the talks and preparations we went through and we try to remain as patient as possible with each other. Sometimes he will mention that he misses Liberia or feels upset about not being near his family. At those points, I will give him a long hard hug just to let him know that I am here for him and I am thankful that he left everything behind to come here.

It can be very stressful for them to come and have them not work. No matter what, it still makes them feel a bit useless or dependent. We take each day at a time and just remember the pain we went through to make it to this point. VJ also helps let us know that this adjustment period is normal and we aren't falling apart, but re-adjusting.

It is so wonderful to see everyone sharing! It really me to read your posts. It keeps me strong. I'm trying to figure out ways to help my fiance and I adjust. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. Some days I walk away feeling guilty or hurt and I know he does too, but each day I thank God for him. I feel bad because he doesn't talk to anyone about how he feels. I have my girlfriends to help me release the tension. He needs another man to help him understand the American ways, especially the women . Hopefully, my BIL will start helping him with that.

Everyone, please keep on responding because it is very encouraging!

That is very true. I have been encouraging Booker to get out and meet some friends. He does have a few male family members here that he calls everyday, but they are married to Liberian women and can't really give him advice on the ways of American women. He's been having a mix of emotions since being here and I would like for him to meet other foreigners who have been through this. At least he will know that he isn't the only one who had to go through an adjustment phase when coming here.

This weekend we are meeting some members from the Liberian Association here in Houston and we are also attending a Liberian church. He is hoping to find a niche and meet some people that he can relate to. On another note, we called the Social Security office yesterday and his card was processed yesterday, so his SSN should be arriving before next Wed. That's one more step towards him being completely settled. He's excited because now he can start volunteering, driving, and getting out.

I wanted to let everyone know that we are doing much better now, thanks to everyone who reached out to me and helped me through this.

My sitution was similar my husband is Nigeran from Germany, he was in the states 6 months before we got together.
It was indeed a long depressing process because he had to stay home all day while i went to wor. He did none of the wonderful things your husband did for you my husband would stay up all night so I couldnt get any sleep then when it was time for me to get up he had an attitude because I was maing noise. He felt lie a child because he had to depend on me. I would give him the chec booj so he could pay the bills he needed help with that. He finally received his green card and moved to Texas to start a better life for us so I thought. He has been dating women in Texas and hanging on the single line. He stated that conditions at my house caused him to loo at other women but now he regreats it. Although I dont by that I pray that your conditions in your household would not draw your husband to do the same. I here peaople say that is the norm with african men I now it doesn't have to be. How i am hurting i don't want anyone to go through that. I was told about this line for support for myself with people who to felt lie their marriage was not bonified

I'm kinda late on this topic, but I just wanted to add that I've gone through my share of these things and every apprehension you have mentioned is normal. Just remember that no matter how many times you discuss things online or on the phone, it is never the same as encountering it in person.

If anyone needs to talk, feel free to PM me. My husband has been here for almost two years and we are doing very well. We have our moments, but we always come through them.

I wanted to respond to the issue raised above regarding becoming a "mother" figure to your fiance/spouse after he arrives in the US. I appreciate where the thought is coming from, but sometimes not becoming the mother figure is easier said than done. I really never thought I had it in me to "mother" anyone, let alone my husband. I even made a conscious effort NOT to play the mother role after he arrived. Talked to myself, GOD, friends extensively about the situation before hand. But guess what? All of what I was trying not to be came to the surface. It's a natural thing that happens when you are faced with helping someone you love dearly to adjust. I did feel I was doing everything for my husband down to the littlest things like ordering food in a restaurant and to be honest somedays I was just plain tired! However, I felt I had no choice at that time. There was nothing authoritative in my intent, but I swear the mothering instict just came out of nowhere!! And yes, I think the mothering gene sort of changed the dynamic of our relationship in the sense that I didn't see that same "capability" as I did when we met in his country and spent time there day to day. However, as time has gone on, and my husband has become more independent, my instict to mother him has lessened a lot. And the dynamic that was in place back at the beginning of our relationship has shifted back to the way it was.

In addition, we talked extensively about the situation of living in this country. While my husband appreciated the talks and probably soaked up a lot of what I was saying, the reality didn't set in for him until after he arrived. And still he needed to talk with some other Senegalese men who lived here to really understand how life here is different. Once he really looked at the situation here, cost of living, etc. and accepted it, then his entire outlook changed.

All I can say to those waiting for their SOs to arrive or those who are in the beginning stages, just be prepared for the unexpected. Nothing is going to be like you thought it would be, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Just do all you can to make the adjustment as easy as possible. And hold on to your faith, it will make it easier to get through the tough times.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've never been in your shoes, nor walked your path. But I am 100% sure that God is a comforter. And His word tells us that everything will work together for good.

Feel free to PM me.

Boaz

Well I am glad to read all these things. My fiance has been here a little over 2 weeks and we have had some ups and downs. The good definitely outweighs the bad!!! He doesn't really like alot of American food yet. I definitely feel like I am mothering him at times - but only at times. He is looking into medical training and has already had some job interviews. He applied for his SS card today. He actually located the office and drove there without any assistance from me which made me very proud. He is taking his Driver's test tomorrow. He has an International Driver's License, but wants a US Driver's License. There is alot of adjustment, but it is going okay...