Hoping to find advice from anyone out there......I'm a little desperate..................................................

My wife is fron Spain and she's having major adjustment problems. She lived here for 3 months before we got married and life for her was tolerable. She returned to Spain for about six months waiting for her K-1 which she got. We got married last month and she is terribly homesick and feeling a bit caged because we are waiting for advance parole so we can travel. I'm being supportive and staying by her side constantly. Any ideas, suggestions, or comments from any of you that have been through the same thing? Anyone out there ever bail on the immigration process here to go to their spouses country because the immigration process is too lengthy/difficult/and expensive here?

Thanks for any help I can get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you tried to find other immigrants from Spain? I found Claudeth a little Filipino grocery store and she loves it there. There are a lot of Filipinos that go there for lunch because they also have Filipino food. I did see balut the last time we were there! Have to pass on that

You might also want to apply for EAD for your wife. There are advantages other than simply being allowed to work - you can then have her learn to drive and thus give her some freedom that might help her feel part of things, and having a government issue document that confirms her right to be in the country gives her a sense of connection to her new home.

We waited to file for AOS, and in that time it was a hard adjustment because I couldn't drive and didn't really feel part of the system, if you know what I mean. Once I got my license, I started volunteering at a dog rescue center (I love German Shepherds) and being able to go off and walk them and hang out with them for a few hours was awesome. It made it easier to deal with the wait (our FBI name check took over 9 months, then we got an RFE and now we are waiting for the final processing to be concluded, almost 13 months after we filed for AOS).

Knowing that I can drive, and knowing that I can work (still looking for a job) helped me feel a connection to my new home, and feel more free. Its easy to get sick of the same four walls, and being able to hop in the car and go off somewhere if I wanted, or go spend some time helping the charity definitely is a godsend I'd recommend.

Also encouraging your wife to read VJ, to email or PM people who understand, ie who are going through the process and genuinely know what it is like, that also helps. Makes the process less lonely.

Hope that helps

best regards
Annie

I've been looking, but there does not seem to be a big Spanish immigrant population in this part of Texas. She does have some aquaintances, American and Hispanic, but she is not talking to any of them. I've been trying to get her to go to school as well, but she doesn't have any interest at the moment. Some days yes, some days no....................think it is just a phase and patience is in order? I am really very concerned for her.

I showed Andre around town, taught him how to use the bus system so he could explore on his own, and kept him busy with household chores and hobbies. Until the EAD came through. Then, he got a job and everything worked itself out.

Couldnt' ever see chucking all the money, hard wait, and patience to move to Jamaica at any point.

We have everything ready to go for her AOS, EAD, and AP. It'll be in the mail tomorrow. She's been emailing friends in Spain a lot and been on the internet. She can drive, has access to money, etc., has a small job as soon as she has EAD, but she's definitely into a period of desperation. I just don't quite know what to do that would be most helpful to her.



Spain is wonderful..................definitely worth considering.

I think part of the problem in her case is that she isn't interested with anything at the moment. It is really frustrating for me. There is no doubt that she is in it for nothing but love. Her motives have never been in question. She's just not happy with being here at the moment. There is no doubt that she is going to have to decide to BE happy at some point. I just don't know anything else to do to help her until she reaches that point.

I did not seek out Jamaican things to placate Andre. I really felt (still feel) that this would just be a band aid of sorts. He is no longer in Jamaica and needed to get used to that. Instead, I showed him things he had not experienced before. The wonder of new things seemed to help ease the rest.

She is definately not alone. Every single person I know who has immigrated faces that homesickness. Some a lot worse then others. It is a natural progression. And, you are right....she will either adjust or not. Not much you can do until she finds what will make her happy during that process. Just be supportive and patient.

When I moved here last year, I was pretty depressed for months even though I could drive, had access to money, and did volunteer work. I wanted to contribute financially to our family, but couldn't. And more importantly, I'd wanted my husband to do a bit of hand-holding, showing me the ins and outs of everything... but of course, he was/is busy with work and couldn't do that.

Until I got my EAD/GC and landed a paying job, I was frustrated and depressed. In the end, everything turned out ok... as I grow to know my surroundings more, I figure things out on my own. I can't say that your wife's needs are like my own, but those were the things that could've made my transition here more pleasant

When I moved here last year, I was pretty depressed for months even though I could drive, had access to money, and did volunteer work. I wanted to contribute financially to our family, but couldn't. And more importantly, I'd wanted my husband to do a bit of hand-holding, showing me the ins and outs of everything... but of course, he was/is busy with work and couldn't do that.

Until I got my EAD/GC and landed a paying job, I was frustrated and depressed. In the end, everything turned out ok... as I grow to know my surroundings more, I figure things out on my own. I can't say that your wife's needs are like my own, but those were the things that could've made my transition here more pleasant
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Thanks..........That's very comforting anyway. The only thing I know to do is stay positive and be there. I have the same situation with work, but I gome home for a few minutes every couple of hours just to see her and let her know that I am there for her. I fully expect that there will be good and bad days for her. It's just frustrating not to be able to do anything to help the situation for her. (where are the reality show producers)

Thanks so much........it's just hard to see someone you love having a rough time.

I don't know if this can help you, or to what degree... When I arrived here, the top priority for my husband was to show me a new land and a new culture. In every single way. First he tried to get me into hobbies. I had some of my own, the internet is a hobby! But not the best one if you are trying to adjust to a new country. Don't argue with her about it, give her options, alternatives.

Show her the city (I bet you did this one already), the places/activities that make your city especial and unique. In your area, I especially loved the Dallas arboretum, because I love flowers. First your city, then those lil towns that are nearby. Choose what town to show her by the history they have, or the procedence (e.g. german towns) or any special charasteristic. Go for weekend getaways. Problems with money? Go on a road trip and camp! Do you fish? Take her with you at least once. If she is like me, she will try it and tell you that she hated it. At least you are doing things together.

Since I got here (8+ months already) I have been to 17 states, most times camping, some others staying in hotels. For him it is important for me to appreciate the different landscapes, weather conditions, amenities in cities, but especially to appreciate the outdoors and healthy activities that you can find almost everywhere here. I have learnt to fish, to shoot, to do sausages, by now you know I married a wild west guy. We have been trapped in an electric storm in Yosemite, lost in a deep Tennessee farm land, considered relocating to the outskirts of Boise, Idaho, cooked at 110 F crossing the arizona desert with a dead A/C, heard a bear roaming around in a campground by Lake Tahoe, raided Texas looking for kolaches, antique shops, etc etc. Everytime he saw (boy he has great eyesight) a bug or animal he thought was new to me, he would stop and show it to me. I have seen more new animals than in a zoo!!!! We would also stop to appreciate and take pictures of wildflowers.

You have to awake a sense of admiration for the culture too. What cultural activities do they have in that city? Theaters? Museums? Do they have wine tasting? Spain is famous for their good wine, ask her to teach you to appreciate it. Add a tapas or paella treat and she will feel that you understand her better.

Did you guys contacted her embassy yet? Thats one of the first things to do to start a "paisano" network. Look what I found: http://www.lacasadeespana.org/ . Casa de Espana is a organization aimed to spaniards abroad. They have one in Peru and also in the Dominican Republic. They have a list of activities there. It is in spanish tho.

Last, my mother in law has 2 rabbits, everytime she goes to the Rabbit Society or to the vet I go with her, I love those lil furry balls.

I hope I didnt get you tired. Just some ideas to help.

Best luck

Jess

Not at all tired! Thanks for the website and your reply! I think that will help some. Any idea is more than welcome. I'm really grasping at straws and every little bit helps! She is supposed to go the the embassy in Houston tomorrow. The embassy does not seem to be the most friendly to their citizens. They have a "what do you want attitude". I think part of the problem is that she is from Barcelona (big city) and has moved to a more rural area. Where four hours driving there gets you to another country, four hours driving here only gets you to salt water. It's just a big change for both of us.

I felt like that for a while too - I guess all immigrants do.

In my case it helped that my husband had to go to an extended business trip about three months after I got here. All of a sudden, I had to be independant, take care of things on my own and that made me feel so much better and more myself again. I bought a car, had it licensed, got my SSN going and on top of it had to deal with a frozen septic system! The dog needed to go to the vet and all the everyday things I had to deal with got me.

Sometimes I think fussing over your spouse too much is not that good - can your wife take care of some things for you? Give her something to feel useful and part of your new life?

Have some patience, I know my husband sometimes rolled his eyes when I got too crappy and bitchy, but this will pass, too.

I agree with this completely. My goal has always been to make Andre less dependent on me at every turn. I want him to KNOW how to take care of himself and entertain himself when I can't be around. It was a long process. He's done well so far.

To the gal who traveled to 17 states in 8 months....well, that is just plain crazy. I'm glad it worked out well for you. For me, that would be too much. I want him to get used to St. Louis (same as you, I see!) not be some entertainment coordinator. We have been to just 2 other states in the 15 months he has been here. We did a weekend trip to Chicago and he accompanied me on a business trip to Washington, D.C. Otherwise, there is plenty for him to see and do here for now.

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I felt like that for a while too - I guess all immigrants do.

In my case it helped that my husband had to go to an extended business trip about three months after I got here. All of a sudden, I had to be independant, take care of things on my own and that made me feel so much better and more myself again. I bought a car, had it licensed, got my SSN going and on top of it had to deal with a frozen septic system! The dog needed to go to the vet and all the everyday things I had to deal with got me.

Sometimes I think fussing over your spouse too much is not that good - can your wife take care of some things for you? Give her something to feel useful and part of your new life?

Have some patience, I know my husband sometimes rolled his eyes when I got too crappy and bitchy, but this will pass, too.
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Yes, I've been giving her some things to do. That seems to help. Sometimes she'll go for it and others not. I hear what you are saying about not fussing about her too much. I'm trying to find a happy medium where she does not feel alone, yet has to function as an individual. She got her SS# on her own and is going to Houston to the Spanish consulate on her own. She also takes care of shuttling my daughter around to daycare, does the grocery shopping, etc.. I'll really be glad when she has an EAD. Having a job is how she gets quite a bit of personal satisfaction and self worth. We have been traveling quite a bit too. We've been to Florida several times(got married in Key West) seen most of Texas, some of Arkansas, Louisiana (we were there the day before it got wiped out by the hurricane). She really does well whenever we are not facing the "daily grind".

Yes, it was crazy, I totally agree. But boy we loved it. I suppose my husband felt the pressure when I said if I don't like it I am going back. He knows I really meant it. He now has a grin in his face when I say I like it here. He peeks at me everytime he says God bless America, and notices it doesnt bother me anymore. It will take longer to get me saying that tho...

Saint Louis is a beautiful city. No doubt. One of the reasons we did all these trips was because he wants us to move out in about 2 or 3 years. So we saw what is it like in other places to have a better idea on where to relocate in the future. For him it is very important that we both like where we are.

To Kameron: So you are trying to get your wife into being a country girl. I bet the change is shocking for her. Would you be willing to move closer to a bigger city if that is what she prefers? Have you talked about that with her?

Best luck

Jess

Look what I found kameron: http://www.detapasrestaurant1.com/ . They even have a discount coupon there!

Ale! Me debes una birra!!! (ask the wife for translation)

Best luck

Jess

Yes, it's like moving from New York City to smallville Texas. A shock no matter what her nationality is. Moving is on the agenda and an option I am totally willing to accept and work towards. I just can't make it happen within a month. Moving back to Spain is an option too. But the same thing applies. I'll have to sell everything, find a new house, etc.. Spain would probably be easier since she still has her house there. I am really hoping that we can stay long enough to get her citizenship so we can come and go as we please. Going to spain would be easy compared to coming to the US. I'd like to finish what we have started so we would not have to do this all again if we move away and then return in ten years.

JAJAJJAAJAAJAJ....Bueno y muchos gracias.......Entiendo perfectamente!

I have a similar problem with my husband. Except he is from smallville Basque Country and we live in San Jose, CA. He likes it for the most part but I think he still gets really overwhelmed and homesick--which is normal after only 3 months! I lived in Spain for a year and a half before we came here, and I, too felt helpless while over there. We are now here "trying it out" in the states. If it doesn't work out, we will move back in a couple years. But we really are intent on giving it a good try before calling it quits on the states. Things that help my husband are going to school and playing with the dog all day long. You mentioned you tried getting her to go to school, but really insist on it--at least she'll meet people. Good luck!

Hi Kameron,

I hope your wife is adjusting well to life in America. Likewise, I encountered the same change too, moving from a big city (Toronto, Canada with a population of a few million), to now living in a rural small town in NYS (with the population of a few thousand). It definately is a big change to go from urban to rural, but I think that it is a great change. You can show her and tell her the benefits of moving to a rural area. For example, it's a lot quieter, safer, friendlier, etc. You can also show her around America by going travelling together throughout the country to different places (it's a great way to learn about America this way). Are there any interests and activities that you both like to do together? Do you have relatives, friends and neighbours that she can meet? Are there some activities and places in your town you can go to locally? Are there any urban places nearby you can take her to at times when she wants to visit urban life again? Is there an English class she can attend to meet other immigrants? Are there other interest classes she is interested in? Are there any activities and/or hobbies she is interested in, and she can join a group that is interested in that too? Is she interested in volunteer work? Since you said she speaks Spanish, is there a Spanish-speaking community in the area she is living in, that she can participate in?

Don't worry, your wife will adjust to American life (and rural life) well. Good luck with your immigration journey.

Ant

The "trying it out" deal for a couple of years is pretty much the same I have with her. I am just really hoping she will give it a fair try before she calls it quits, too. I think I'll do better over there than she is doing here. I have a broader range of interests than she does. I'll be happy hanging around the beach fishing, entertaining the locals by being "exotic", scooting around on a moto, being a general nuisance, etc.. Dual citizenship would have great advantages for her. That's pretty much what happened today. I am wearing thin on patience (only got 4 hours of sleep last night) and insisted that she return to school for no other reason than to not lay in bed all day long. Wish ya'll and us were closer together. It'd be nice to have a Spanish national nearby that could totally relate.

Thanks so much for your reply. Best of luck and feel freem to PM if we can ever be of help!
Kameron

Thanks Ant, I am really hoping that she will. All your suggestions are great and I've been trying endlessly to get her motivated. She's just being very stubborn about it and seems to be stuck in a way. I think she's to the point that she needs to DECIDE to be be ok. Every time I make a suggestion it is almost an instantaneous "no" without any consideration or investigation. It's really discouraging for me at the moment. I always think positive - and constant negative is a very hard thing to deal with. I just keep on hoping she will come around.

Thanks for your suggestions and thoughts.......... I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Kameron: I can totally understand what you are going through! And if your situation is anything like mine...it will pass. My husband had issues with the adjustment just like most. Some days he would wake up and just be depressed (for lack of a better word) at being away from his homeland and the stress of having to start over. Honestly I was really worried for a minute. But somewhere along the way he just accepted the fact that he was not back in his country, and that life is not so bad here! Since then, things have been a lot better. My response at first was to just keep asking if everything was alright. But in time I found that just spending time with him having fun and just letting him vent everything was the best help. It's been almost 8 months and he is again like the person that I knew when we were together in his country.

My point after all the rambling is that it's really on the person to decide to just suck it up and start to just make a life here. All you can do is just support that as best you can. Hang in there!!

In my experience when I immigrated I was homesick for about 6 or so months maybe longer or shorter, so I know how she feels, I would call home crying some days, I didn't want to go out and do anything I was allowed to drive but was terrified (in Australia we drive on the other side of the road) I couldn't work so basically I was at home on the internet a lot (this website and the people here helped me a lot because I knew many of them here were in the same boat as me) that and having my hubby there to talk too.

After a few months I started driving, and then took a class a few days week so I could get my diploma, then finally a job... she will come around in her own time, you just have to be there for her. If you have suggested a few things that she didn't want to look into earlier why not try it again in a month or so...

All it takes is time.

Tegan

Wow, sounds like she is in a much better position than many others here are, with you being so understanding and willing (and able) to move to her country if she is absolutely miserable here.

I agree, at some point she needs to make an effort to see the good things about her new life.

Willing, yes - able, it will be very tough. I think I've always looked at it with the frame of mind that our relationship is very important, and I should be willing to do for her the same as I ask her to do for me. It wouldn't be very fair for me to ask her to try living her and not accept that she may ask me to the same for her. Guess I'm more open to that option than some.


Thanks Tegan. I'm in for the duration and do not look at failure as an option(for me anyway). I am really hoping this gets better soon.........

I've read this whole thread and I"m encouraged Kameron with your attitude about this situation, and it sounds like you're dealing with this the best way you can. Unfortunately, I don't know if your wife is. While I too was very homesick when soon after I arrived in the USA, it wasn't physically debilitating. I'm concerned by your comment about her being in bed all day. This in itself, along with her not wanting to engage in anything is concerning. She may be experiencing some clinical depression. Have you thought about this? If you're not willing to accept that she may need to see a medical doctor before this becomes overwhelming, you may want to talk to her about getting out and about, interacting with people, and being outside in the sunshine and exercising, to maintain good mental health.

I hope some positive changes are right around the corner for you two!

Carla

Kameron-

Although a lot of people have responded I just wanted to add our experience. My husband moved from a large city in Morocco to a city 1/10th the size in Wisconsin (in January might I add). At first he was fine at least the first few weeks and then it hit, I swear to you he didn't get out of bed for almost 3 months. He had headaches and illnesses and you name it. He didn't want to go to school, didn't want to volunteer, didn't want to do anything really. He wouldn't eat unless I cooked it and almost force fed him and then it was only if it was Moroccan food. I tried to take him to the mosque to meet other Arabic people and he just brushed them off and didn't want to get to know them. Let's just say it was rough. There were several points where I said "ok you don't like it here let's move back to Morocco" but he said he couldn't do that because then his family would think he failed - he couldn't go back with nothing there for him. So I really didn't know what to do and honestly it made me upset because I worked so hard for him to come, and was working and trying to take care of him and a 1 1/2 yr old child and I felt like he didn't even want to try. He then decided he wanted to move to a bigger city so I actively sought out another job in a bigger city. We moved here Washington DC about 15 months after he arrived in the US and guess what now he wants to go back to WI!!?!?! Aside from that the homesickness has subsided, sure he still gets sad but he understand that this is his home for now and he needs to make the best out of it or it will be horrible for him. So what I'm saying is - HOLD ON! it will get better. The first year is the hardest and the first 6 months are probably the worst. Work your way though, be supportive but don't feel like you have to do everything for her and make sure she is busy. You might have to let her find her own happiness and not try to make her happy all the time. Best wishes

Thanks Carla...............

Yes, the same thought has crossed my mind about the depression. If things don't come around very soon I am going to insist she go to the doctor. I am really hoping it is more a matter of her just deciding to be "OK". We had a bit of a blowout yesterday because of all this. The positive thing that came out of it all was some good communication and an agrement that some things must change for our relationship to survive. Hopefully things are beginning to turn around a little bit.

Thanks for your reply, every little bit of encouragement helps. As many times as this thread has been read, I believe that the transition problems for our spouses is really more common than anyone admits. You know, I expected some rough times, but this is really more than I expected. As much as anything else, I hope everyone in the process of moving a immigrant spouse reads this thread and can at least have some comfort of knowing this is a process that everyone faces to some degree. It is really helping me to know that I am not alone in the hard part of all this. I am really hearing my own story echoed in the stories those that have replied. As much as our signifigant others feel alone and overwhelmed, so do we as their husbands/wives when they go through this process. With me, my wife tells me that I cannot understand what she is going through. This is true to en extent. She doesn't realize what I am going through either..........................................................................
.................

still hanging on...............
Kameron

Kameron - I sympathize with your story here and for my husband to be and myself we are paying attention to what is being said here by everyone else because we are fast approaching the permanent move.

I would imagine that depending on the lvl of social/ economic and other differences between the US and the spouse's home country, this contributes a great deal to what the new spouse focusses on.

Language can be an obvious barrier as well as different cultures, perhaps the spouses' country was more strict or religious or ecnomically poor.

I am from Canada and there are fewer differences, many similarities and the 3rd pot of 'what the heck are those American's thinking ' - JK dear..............sometimes I see all the positives and on a few days, I see nothing but negative

I hope that you follow up and take your wife to a doctor if need be, no matter how hard she fights it - no harm in going even if you 2 find out she'd not clinically depressed, but will be able to work through things in another way. Finding a community or neighbourhood filled with other immigrants from her country can be helpful.......I grew up in a family full of Europeans...they welcomed newcomers and helped them adjust both socially and financially...it's a good thing

Cheers

Kameron

I have been here just 3 months, and I really understand what your wife is going through.
There were some days where I didn't get out of bed, I didn't like people here, and just basically was completely not accepting any suggestion that my wife was giving me. Sometimes I would feel a little better but most of the time I felt super bad, I had back pains, headaches, I would get dizzy, I wouldn't eat if she wasn't here, etc, etc...
Right now I am not OK yet, but things look a little brighter, and one of the things that helped a lot was finding some help, I started some sessions with a counselor and it's making me feel better, especially because the sessions are in Spanish. Even when I really don't have problems with English, it's not natural to me, it takes effort and that is tiring, and I suppose this happens to your wife as well.
I don't want to feel that people pity me, but I need somebody to understand what I am going through and it doesn't matter how much my wife loves me, she is not the one changing so many things at once ,though I know she is going through her own adjusting process which is not easy either, therefore it is hard to understand each other sometimes, but IT IS POSSIBLE, it is just matter of time, patience, love and finding ways to help each other.
Being unable to work it's so hard cause you not only feel bored but useless, you are unable to see how things will get better and that feeling is horrible, and the worse part is when you stop recognizing yourself, IT IS SCARY! Suddenly you have become this sad, depressed, angry person that just can't be happy, you don`t want to be here but you don't want to go back to your country, cause, at least in my case, that means failure, that means taking the easy way out, but the truth is that sometimes I don't find the strength to keep fighting.

So as you can see it is not easy, and even when some of the advices you've gotten here might work (Kate knows i love concerts and she always get us tickets to shows I wanna go, but sometimes I am so depressed that I don't wanna go) the truth is that there's no recipe to make things better and you can't expect somebody to like a place even if you show every single state, city and town , ofcourse you have to try everything you can, but also you have to set limits, cause You can't make her happy if she doesn't want to.

What I suggest is to talk, communicate with her, let her tell ya every single thing that she is feeling, and ask her what could u do to make it better.
If a solution is for you to move to Spain, then start thinking about it, but make her realize that you started this process and that it would be dumb to throw all that work and money away, but let her know that you are willing to do it (something that I am sure she knows already), encourage her to find help and let her know that even when you care, you don't know what to do, and that it is affecting you, and if you think you need help then maybe it would be smart to go to a counselor yourself, trust me, I didn't want to do it and I even thought it was stupid and now here I am recommending it.

I dunno if my words will help you, but I sure hope they will.
Hang in there, I know it is not easy but you are not the only ones going through it.

Greetings

Good post. I hope things continue to improve for you.

Kameron, I'm sure this adjustment period is just as hard on the USC as it is on the immigrant.

I know my husband feels anxious, helpless, sad, guilty whenever I'm homesick or melancholic about my new life. He had this "are you gonne leave me and go back" look in his face way too often at the beginning. It took a lot of communication and reassurance to get over this. I'm sure that's the case for most USCs in international relationships.

I just try to keep in mind three things when I'm not satisfied:

1) There was a time when I cried myself to sleep because my loved one wasn't with me and I missed him so bad.
2) We BOTH together made a decision about living in the US, nobody forced this on me.
3) We are both healthy and in love, have a good life and not really anything to complain about! So I go buy some shoes and get the f**k out of this shitty mood!

I wish you all the best.

Thanks Juan...........very good info. Things are a little better for the momment. I am trying to get her out of the house every day even if I have to drag her to do it. She's showing a little interest in redecorating the house and things like that. I am hoping that she will continue to improve. I think you are entirely correct about the "failure feeling" of not being able to work. Her job and independance was always been very important to her. I am going to look for a counselor as you suggested. I think it is very good advice!

Yeah, I can relate completely...................................the guilty feeling is the one that always gets me the worst....................

I'm going to need more closet space if she goes the shoe therapy route, though!!