Gotta ask some sage advice of you guys, particularly those who got married sooner than they might have done to be together or so they could go to the US together.

I've been with my USC partner for 5 yrs now. We've lived together in the UK for the last 3 (he was here as a student). Where we would end up, and how it would it be possible has always been an issue for us, and I kinda assumed that if we wanted to be together long term we would have to get married. (to my annoyance every tom, dick and harry from the earliest stage in our relationship has felt entitled to ask us if and when that would happen). Because we've both thought about it more than maybe someone else would, we've come to the feeling that we really don't want our relationship which has progressed and developed without rings and white dresses to be suddenly defined by them. My partner feels this way very strongly.

Recently we got an EEA Family Permit (I'm Irish) for him , as unmarried partners, so we can stay in the Uk without getting married . However, the longer I stay here, the more I think that our quality of life would be a lot better in the US. The marriage can of worms was reopened. I talked to my family about it. At first they seemed fine, and happy for us, but I suspected they were dissappointed, and pressed the matter. It became clear that they'd be very disappointed that there wouldn't be a ceremony, and really couldn't let go of the idea that 'really we would be married'. Funny enough, my sisters were more affected than my parents who had a more 'well you love each other, that's all that matters' approach. Despite our protestations that yes legally we would be married, and we are happy with the legal protections that will give us as a couple. But we don't want them to think of us differently, or God forbid start asking when the grandkids are arriving.

I know that how we feel is pretty specific, but really I would just like to hear stories about anyone that is going in to or has gone in to marriage a little quicker than they would have otherwise. How do you feel about it? How do your family feel?

We called the whole thing off, and said we would just stay here, but we think it's the right thing for us, and now are thinking about going ahead, and just lying about how I got the visa.


P.S. Moderator, I would be most grateful if this was kept in the UK thread

Forgot to mention, we passed through Vegas when we only knew each other for a few weeks, I've often thought we would have saved ourselves a lot of problems if...

Is it easier to be a little more carefree about the marriage thing, if it's earlier in the relationship?

I think you have to do what is best for you as a couple, and for your future. Unfortunately, in your case, that means getting married so that you can settle here.

If your family can't understand that is the only reason you're 'doing the deed', then too bad. I wouldn't want to 'hide' something like that the rest of my life just so they don't think I've gone against their 'wishes'.

You and your fiance don't need to have a big ta-do in order to make it legal. You don't even have to wear rings/exchange rings, or have any specific attire.

Its your life - do what you need to do, and let the rest fall away.

My now husband and I had known each other for 15 years before we got married last year. We shared a lot of your feelings about not needing marriage to be together, and I was not crazy about the institution after having lived through by parents very acrimonious divorce after 30 years of marriage. But then I got the job offer back in the US, and the only way for him to come was to bite the bullet. We did things very low key - just us in Vegas (but still the best wedding ever). Now that it's done, I'm not sure why I made such a big deal about resisting it - it really is no different than before. Possibly, it may even be better.

We probably married a little sooner then we would've had it not been for this whole stupid process. I don't regret one minute of it all so far.

We were lucky that my wife was able to live in the UK for two years before we got married. We weren't able to get married in the UK due to some technicality, so we got our finance visa and got married in Vegas. Vegas seemed the ideal choice as that is where we met and was a bit more glamorous than going to a courthouse. We are now planning on having a big wedding sometime next year where we will have all our family over. We both feel a bit peeved that we never had a proper wedding because of this process.

I am so glad that we had those two years in the UK, as we got all the living together issues over with before we moved over here and got married. I would say that if you are happy get married, do it in the UK and then go for a spouse visa so the non USC can work when he gets there.

Anyway do what you feel best for you and don't worry about everyone else.

P.S Our quality of life is so much better over here.

The nice thing about getting married in the US, is it is a less defined process than the UK. You can really do just what you want or leave out what you don't want as long as the legal bit is covered. Do what is best for yourselves so you can get the visa, that's what we did so my wife could come to the UK. No partenr visa's in those days.

We were another couple that had known each other for several years and lived together etc. I was way more anti marriage than him even though he had gone through a very messy divorce after 25 years of marriage. We did the Vegas route. No guests, no fancy stuff, just a quick trip to get it over with and continue with paperwork. Is it any different? It was until I just forgot about the whole thing and didn't make a big deal about it anymore. I don't refer to him as my husband, and he doesn't refer to me as his wife...and we're settled with that. We exchanged wedding bands, but I hardly ever wear mine as it gets in the way for work. I kept my name, and pretty much life is going on as it was before.

Thanks for all the support, guys.

TracyTN, I absolutely agree, that's why at first I thought it was best to tell them about it. However, they are Irish and Catholic, and seem to be incapable of thinking about marriage in half measures. It seems like they might come round eventually, but at the minute, they would be less hurt by a lie. I'm struggling to think of something plausible though.

I don't feel like we're getting married in a hurry, but we certainly aren't doing it the typical way. neither of us are obsessed with a ceremony or all the hoopla. but... my mother is a minister. So when i told her there probably won't be a typical traditional wedding she got back to me with this whole opinion. however she told me she wants me to do what will make me happy. so that's that!

We didn't tell our parents until AFTER and it was kind of fun!! Look at my timeline we were together 4 years before we tied the knot and even then between the proposal and actual deed there was less than 2 weeks! Go with the flow. Are you doing it for your family or for the two of you?

If David were living in the US, we would not be married now. I had no interest in being married again * ever*, but being without David was not an option. Since the only way we could be together was through marriage, we had no other choice. Not exactly romantic, but the story of how we met is romantic enough.

You have to do what's right for you. Try not to worry so much about other people's feelings. Easier said than done, I know.

Jen

We had no other way to be together...we had 2 years in London then my visa ran out. But being married is growing on me now. You gotta do what you gotta do to be together.

I won't say our quality of life is better or worse than London - just different here.

We did a small Catholic ceremony (not mass) by an old family priest in the chapel at Mom's church - her, my sis-in-law/my bro, my sis, my Mom & us. We did a bigger shebang later but the 'real' marriage was in a church & even tho I am a lapsed Catholic & J is agnostic, Mom wanted it & I'm glad we did it there. It's one thing that made me Mom thrilled not to mention I adore that priest - he confirmed me back in the day!

Well, maybe tell them that you did what devilette did - a small (non mass) Catholic ceremony performed by someone locally. That way they would know that you are married, but won't feel that you've done it 'half way' (who needs that grief from their families???!), but knowing how you both feel about marriage, they could surely understand you doing it on the 'down low'.

Lying is never optimal, but sometimes to do it in order to spare hurt feelings is the only way to go.

I hate that they put you in that position though. You two are grown adults (last time I checked)!

When I was growing up, I was never interested in marriage. It was purely a bit of paper to me and that bit of paper isn't necessary to prove how much you love someone. My whole outlook on marriage was probably because my mum and dad never married but had a loving, long term relationship. If the visa process wasn't necessary in our relationship, I could have seen us living together, unmarried, indefinitely.

Josh and I knew after our first visit together that we wanted to be together permanently and, for that to happen, we would have to marry. We waited until my 3rd visit to the US to tie the knot. It was a small ceremony, with only his parents as witnesses. The judge that performed our marriage was wonderful, we chose a vow which had a rather long passage before the actual vows, that summed up exactly how we felt for each other But it was a small event and low key.. neither of us are particularly outgoing, so suited us perfectly

I think I would have preferred to wait - I have been in other relationships for longer than my relationship with my USC partner but we decided as we were going to get married anyway there was no point in applying for an unmarried partner visa if we were going to have to go through the whole process again anyway. I know that even though this is the case, it is the right thing to do as we have developed so much as a couple - moreso than other relationships in the past, purely because of the nature of our relationship

I agree that getting married in the US can be what you want it to be - you can go to a register office with a couple people off the street and have the piece of paper, you can have the big white wedding, you can get married by Elvis in Vegas I personally am having a combination of traditional and what we like - we're getting married outside in beautiful surroundings with close family, a small reception and informal drinks at a bar after the sit-down meal. When we go back to the UK we are doing the whole first dance thing, disco, another cake and things for the people who can't be there or who aren't invited

If marriage as an institution isn't something you believe in then there is nothing stopping you from tailoring things to how you want them to be - you can celebrate your relationship in a way that is personal to you and just have the piece of paper as a formality. Maybe eventually if you decide you want to have a larger celebration for your family then you can do that (but make them pay - they're the ones who want it!! Hehe!!!).

What it boils down to is that you have to do what makes you happy - if you feel that the piece of paper is worth it to live in the US then you can find a way fo doing it that suits you. If you really don't want marriage in any way, shape or form and this is more important to you than living in the US then you have already made your decision ;D

I wondered this also.. Not so much now as time has gone on, but at the beginning I was a little concerned that maybe we were rushing things a bit. I wondered if we had have met as an American or an English couple whether we would have bothered getting married so quickly, or whether we would have waited a few years.

To be honest, all this thinking drives you crazy! Just go with it and accept it for what it is. The above is really an unanswerable question. He says that he hasn't been with anyone since he and his wife divorced that he even thought about marrying and the same goes for me (Even though I have never been married... I have never actually met anyone that I would have even considered marrying, until Chris ) And that is good enough for me!

I wish that we could do things differently though. I mean, we have a VERY small wedding planned in December for just me and him. There are going to be no family members there because we don't want to p*ss anyone off! (My family can't come over to America in December) We are then going to have a blessing in April/May and treat that as the 'proper' wedding that everyone will come to.

On the other hand though, I am thinking that our 'first' wedding will definitely be something 'special' to look back on, as it will certainly be very intimate and that's what it's all about right? (We are planning on driving up to the Poconos after too and staying in a super tacky hotel!! I cant wait! )

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I just feel a little caught in the middle. I've never had any big romantic dreams about my wedding day, not really my thing, but my attitude has been, if we have to do it, might as well have a little fun (a meal, small party just for close family) mostly cos I know what it means to my parents and sisters. (of course in Ireland close family quickly becomes 10 aunts and uncles 50 cousins... )

My partner, however, is adament that it should NOT be any bigger of a deal then signing the I-130 or similar event, and as such, no one should be there or make a fuss. On this matter he is the most stubborn I have ever seen him.

It's enough to make me give the whole thing up, and stay here.

Yes I know it's an unanswerable question, but it's nice to hear others stories about how you worked it out. It's really helpful to get some perspective. I'd like to think that humans are empathetic creatures, but really the only people that seem to properly understand have gone through it themselves, or close friends or family have. Lots of people say 'oh, just do it' but if it was them and they risked causing a rift between their partner and their family, I know they'd see it differently. So I'm so glad to have found VJ, and a lot of great people who are ready with support and help.

I think its a bit unfair of your partner to be so adament about how YOUR wedding should be handled. Last time I checked, its a special day for BOTH of you, and he should be willing to compromise something so that you're happy and have what you want.

He doesn't have to give up the farm and have some huge extravagent affair - but what you're suggesting you would like is far from that. Its almost as if he doesn't care about your happiness at all.

I am not from the UK but felt obligated to answer. I met my husband back in 2003 when he was stationed in Germany. We had both been married before and when we met, we weren't really thinking about finding another marriage partner. We wanted to date, take it slow and go form there. To make a long story short, he got out of the army in 2005. He tried finding a government or contract job in Germany so that we could still be together but the pay was either too low or taxes too high. So, he ended up going back to the US where the opportunities were better. He found a job in FL. After being separated for about 2 months, we just couldn't stand it - it was unbearable! So we decided that I would come to the states. My daughter is American and i wanted her to attend school here anyhow.

Anyway, I had a GC already (my dad petitioned for me in 83) so I figured I would just come back to the US right away. Did NOT happen - could NOT happen. I found out during my criminal justice degree program when I was taking a law class, that once I tried entering the POE with this GC, they'd realize i was out of the country for more than a year. Mind you, when I left the US in 2002, i had NO clue about re-entry permits, etc. Since I had my GC since I was 7, no one ever explained this to me. My mother always just told me that my GC was permanent and would not expire.

So there I was all ready to go but couldn't. I contacted the INS, immigration lawyers, etc. A returning resident visa wasn't successful so my husband told me to forget all the crap and let's just get married. So he then petitioned for the fiancee visa. Now here I am! My family wasn't too happy. Basically the reason for that was my daughter. They felt she would have a hard time adjusting and stuff.

I agree that there must be some compramise to be had. Does he like socialising? Going to the pub? Going to clubs? Anything?! I don't see why it has to be anything more than a birthday party-style event where you gather a few friends and family together for a knees-up - you don't have to have the whole meringue dress and you don't have to have some minister preaching scripture!

If it isn't important to him then I agree he should consider your feelings and opinion. If he isn't that bothered then there (in my mind) is no reason why you can't have an informal UK party - he won't mind if his family are there or not if this is the case surely?!

I do dispute that it is like he doesn't care about your happiness - I am sure your happiness is very important to him and maybe this is why he is trying to "make you realise" that this isn't what you want. Maybe if you sat down and talked with him (more!) about it then he would realise that things don't have to be so black and white

I wasn't in a big rush to get married again, after having just recently been divorced and really so young. I liked being me...and for the first time in my adult life, not being defined by being so-and-so's wife. D was previously married as well. I eventually moved to the UK and lived with him, and we lived together for 3 years. He asked me countless times to get married, but I'd always push off 'The Talk'.

Now I kick myself that we didn't just do it and DCF.

OP, you have to make yourself and your partner happy first. But at the same time (just offering another perspective here), is there any way you'd be willing to compromise for the sake of your family? Since you'd be moving here, they're going to miss you quite a lot....and it might mean a helluva lot to them to have the wedding to look back on.

Good luck!

I was just about to write something along the same lines. I was the one who did not want a "wedding", and my husband did. He pointed out that the ceremony was not only for us, it was for our loved ones too, and I should be careful to consider their feelings. I'm glad he changed my mind. And so are our families.

totally agree with you and Lisa...

The ceremony is more for your family. You guys have already commited to eachother in your own ways, Now a cermoney commits to your family that you will love and take care of eachother. My family and Chris' were extreamly happy that we had a wedding. I am too now, it was lovely.

My husband proposed about 6 months after we started our relationship. So we always knew we were going to get married - when, where, how, were the questions. Getting married was never really an issue for us EXCEPT for the religious vs. courthouse deal lol My husband was catholic, went to catholic school, went through puberty, rebelled, doesn't like religion - as it seems to go for children who have gone to catholic school for some reason!

I was raised Lutheran, and it was drilled into my head I needed a "real wedding", in the church I was baptized. We wanted something special for my hunny and me, but didn't want it to be big or pretentious. He didn't want anything "hippy-ish" (no outdoor weddings, or at the beach etc lol) Strangely I wasn't persistent and he wasn't resistant, things sort of just fell into place without either of us making any fuss. (Until my darling hubby decided he wanted to wear a kilt about 2 weeks before our wedding, and then realised that was impossible in Central PA with 2 weeks to go) We met with the preacher 4 times before our wedding, he interviewed us, asked us loads of questions and made sure this is really what we wanted. It was actually really reassuring. We had the pianist play Highland Cathedral for my entrance with my mom, our oldest son carried our rings (titanium bands - we thought it was funny because I have a titanium screw in my foot - yes we are odd ), we only sang one song during the ceremony (For the Beauty of the Earth), had my grandmother do a reading, and we were able to choose exactly what we wanted our preacher to cover during the ceremony - and it was centered around marrying your best friend, and included a prayer for our children and coming together as one family. It was really nice, I'm not overly religious or a kooky Christian, but it was very emotional for me, and even though I know my husband was not thrilled by doing the whole "God Thing" he has said several times since how much the service touched him and how glad he was we were able to really make it our own thing. Plus the whole family factor as some mentioned. It's really symbolic, as well as for your family, to let them have a small part in the major life decision you and the love of your life have made to come together. We had very few guests, but they were all close family (and older family members we didn't want to exclude), a couple very close friends, and our reception was just in my grandmothers back garden under a tent, we had metallica and alkaline trio playing in the background (each of our favourite bands - even though we knew they were "old fart friendly" it was our reception ), lots of beer, and our kiddos had lots of cake.

It's really important to do your own thing, make it yours, but you sort of need to except excluding family may cause hurt feelings/resentment down the line.

I'm not from the UK either, but we did got marry in a hurry so we could stay together.
We met 3 years ago and started dating dealing with the wonderful long distance we all know about. He doesn't speak French, has been to France once but before he met me and no one in my family met him (well now my brother has).
This was my third visit. It had been almost 8 months since we last saw each other and I was to summarize pretty miserable without him. I have a B2 visa, so I used it to come over. My goal was to find a job and a work visa so I could stay with him.

We had talked about that fact that we wanted to get married someday, but we definitely were not in a hurry for that. I would get so annoyed by our family and friends who kept on asking when we were going to get married. I just didn't feel ready and neither did he. My main fear I think was that marriage would change our relationship.
My first 6 months were getting close to expiring and well I wasn't doing too well with that (even managed to have more fights than we ever did during our trip to Hawaii ), so I asked for an extension.
Getting it accepted took a while, and I was afraid I would have to go back to France within a few days notice, so we talked about our choices and came to the decision to file for the K1 visa. We decided we were not engaged but in the process to be
The extension was accepted and I got a job offer, which was really exciting, but then a few months later they told me they couldn't get a working visa and that was hard to take (it wasn't the first time).
I had enough of not knowing what was next. Neither of us wanting to be apart once again so we decided to go ahead and get married.
We organized it within a month. We didn't want a fancy wedding because what's the point of paying a fortune when most people can't be here anyway? At first we actually wanted to be just the 2 of us and 2 witnesses in front of the magistrate... well it didn't work out that way as soon as we told some of his family and my family that we were getting married. The reactions were diverse:
My parents (who are divorced) were both excited and happy for us, same for my grandmother. They even bought a plane ticket so my brother could be my witness which was totally unexpected. They were relieved to know that we do plan to organize a more formal wedding later on (we're thinking fall 2008) so they would have the time to plan a visit and come.
His mom was well unhappy, mainly because she couldn't come from Hawaii with such a short notice.
My godparent's weren't happy because they were going in France and couldn't attend (it took a while for them to understand that we will have a formal wedding where they can come)
the rest of the family was very excited and his cousin who lives in the area actually organized a party/reception for us, with plenty of friends who joined in and made it feel very special.

So I have no regret on how things worked out. I find that our life since we're married hasn't changed a bit, apart from the fact that now we don't have to worry about me being forced to leave the country again.
I think if it was only for us, we wouldn't even bother to organize a formal wedding, but it matters to both our families so might as well make something special. We plan to exchange personal vows at a semi-religious outdoors ceremony with both families.
In the end it's up to you and how you feel and really how much of a deal you make of being married.
But like most people I asked told me: it's not getting married that changes a relationship, it's having kids.

I think most families do understand that there are specific difficulties you have to deal with when you talk immigration, but they still feel the need to have a 'real wedding' which is why so many people have a courthouse marriage and then a 'family affair wedding.'

I hope you can find a compromise between what you wish and your family expectation, but remember a marriage is only what you make of it.

Thanks to all for telling their stories, and giving advice.

Just to update, we have booked the registry office for the 8th October. Monday morning to keep the whole thing low key. However I have booked flights for my parents to come over from Ireland, and my OH has agreed to have them there at the ceremony. So hopefully we can get through this thing without misunderstandings or deception.

I am just dying to finally send off the I-130, so I will be very glad when the day finally arrives, after 5 years of being together, we have the choice to live where we want to. And be together, which is the most important thing. I sometimes feel resentful that the UK government recognise our relationship without the cert, but the US one doesn't.... but then I get thankful that we aren't a same-sex couple, where nothing we would do (including a civil partnership) would help us to be together in the country that my partner is from.


I know there's a long road ahead, but i'm very excited to be finally getting off the roundabout and on to the motorway.
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