As doodle pointed out, there is a perception here in MENA of late that a there are USC petitioning for a MENA SO and fear of domestic violence is evident. Soemtimes I think we are quick to dismiss some behavior as "culture shock" or adjustment issues or a culural difference comon in MENA.

I found this list of characteristics shared by batterers. I think it would transcend global/culural lines:


Jealousy
At the beginning of the relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A batterer will question you about who you talk to, accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with your family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly to check up on you. The abuser may insist that you not work or check the car mileage or ask friends to watch you.


Controlling Behavior
At first, the batterer will say that this behavior comes from concern about your safety, your need to use time wisely, or your need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if you are late coming home, and he/she may question you closely about where you went or whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse, you may not be allowed to make decisions about the house, your clothing, or your going out. The abuser may keep all the money or make you ask permission to leave the house.


Quick Involvement
Many survivors of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were living together. The abuser comes on like a whirlwind claiming love at first sight. The person may tell you such flattering things as “you're the only person for me” or “I've never loved anyone like this before.”


Unrealistic Expectations
At first, the batterer will say that this behavior comes from concern about your safety, you need to use time well, or your need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if you are late coming home. He/She may question you closely about where you went or whom you talked to.

Isolation

A batterer will try to cut you off from everything and everyone. People who are your support system are accused of causing trouble. You may not be able to use the phone or go out when you want to.




Blames Other(s) for Problems
The abuser's problems are justified by saying that people are out to get him or her. The abuser may blame problems on you and claim that you are at fault for every think that goes wrong.




Blames Other(s) for Feelings
The abuser will say “you make me mad” or “you're hurting me by not doing what I ask.” You cannot make anyone feel anything, and often times, an abuser uses this statement to manipulate you.




Hypersensitivity
The abuser is easily insulted, claims hurt feelings when really feeling mad, or takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened.




Cruelty to Animals or Children
The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things way beyond their ability or tease them until they cry.




Playful Use of Force In Sex
The abuser may like to throw you down and hold you down during sex, or act out fantasies where you are helpless. The abuser may start to have sex with you while you are sleeping or demand sex while you are ill or tired or right after an assault.




Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are cruel or hurtful, the abuser may degrade you, or run down your accomplishments. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function alone.




Two Very Different Personalities
You may be confused by the batterer's sudden change in mood. One minute the person is nice and the next minute, explosive or very sad. This does not indicate some kind of special mental problem or that the person is “crazy”.




Past Battering
You may find out the abuser has hit lovers in the past, but claims that they provoked or exaggerated it. A batterer will assault any person they are with. Situational circumstances do not make a person batter.




Breaking and Striking Objects
This behavior is used as punishment and used to terrorize you. The batterer will select specific items of personal worth to destroy. The person may strike tables or walls, or throw objects.




Any Type of Force During an Argument
This may involve holding you down or restraining you from leaving the room. Any physical assault is considered battering.



Source: http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/batteringpersonality.html

EXCELLENT POINTS

i got 11 out of 15

Another thing you should never say to yourself, "if he ever hits me, I'm gone." He can do so much more damage before he actually hits you. Don't let it get to that point; if you're making excuses for bad behavior, you'll just make excuses for hitting/arm-twisting/ etc.

(Dee -hugs-)

Animal cruelty

Good post MBP.

As we all know there have been a couple of abuse cases on VJ lately and I think it's so sad when a woman returns with a man who is abusive. It really is not healthy for anyone.

MBP - EXCELLENT POST!!!!

Below is a "Domestic Violence Wheel" that shows the different stages. Same information MBP posted. I also think this type of behavior transcends culture. IMO, the controlling behavior can VERY EASILY escalate into physical abuse which can in turn be deadly.

There does seem to be a lot of info on the internet about signs of an abusive realationship. I am going to try and maybe someone will find it before me - information about signs to look for before you get involved. maybe especially realted to long distance relationships?

And even better would be if someone perhaps via an anonymous name if they don't want to be known came in and told us their story and how it escalated and how they are now.

And violence isn't always the hitting kind. An abuser can scream at a partner while one or the other is driving, or can take crazy chances behind the wheel in uncontrolled anger. To me, that's the same as waving a loaded pistol in someone's face, or at least waving it around wildly. I know of a man who gave his partner a motorcycle helmet, but when she wore it while riding with him one day, he apparently decided it made him look inept to others, as if she didn't trust his driving. So he gave her the ride of her life "to give her a reason to need it."

Just wanted to add some information to you all. I grew up in an extremely abusive household and have dealt with an abusive husband after this visa process. Please take it seriously. I ignored all the warning signs in the beginning and definitely fell into the "give him another chance, he can change trap" While it is true someone can change it isn't going to happen overnight or in a week or two and it isn't going to happen without outside professional help. Abusers are all about power and control and doing anything and everything to keep the "secret" a secret. They make you think it is always your fault or someone elses fault for their abusive behavior and they never take the responsibility. They are full of empty promises and can talk out of both sides of their mouth at once.

It is still really hard for me to talk about what has happened. The denial and dissappointment are so great after all the sacrifices you make to get your loved one here. Often times you put up with a lot of crap because you don't want to hear the "I told you so". You are willing to put blinders on and justify their actions because "you love them and they love you" There is a big difference in the person/idea you fell in love with and the actual abusive person you are now married too. A lot of times I have to remind myself that the abusive person isn't the person I love. I love the idea of what they were or the person they portrayed themselves to be. Anyways enough rambling...here is some good information I collected in all my searching.

It's a lot of information...sorry it's so long but hopefully it will be helpful to someone out there.

Jamie

Are you being victimized by an abuser? Learn the characteristics of an abuser and escape before the abuse starts.

1. Ridicules, Criticizes, and Condemns
Does your partner ridicule, criticize, and condemn you? Those who put others down to feel better about themselves often resort to other bad behavior to feel better about themselves too. Don’t allow anyone to condemn you, ridicule your choices, or criticize who you choose to be. Walk away.

2. Anger Management Difficulties
Does your partner have a short fuse? Does your partner anger easily? Those who anger easily, unable to reason through issues and difficulties often resort to abuse to get what they want. If he kicks the door down, how long will it be until he’s kicking you?

3. Self-Centered Attitude
Everything in his life is more important than you. He makes sure you know that you really don’t count for much, he isn’t really interested in you, doesn’t even like you very much, but he tolerates you in his life? For what? He chooses anything else over you, and makes certain you know he doesn’t value you.

4. Demanding and Possessive
Your partner doesn’t like your friends and family, and makes every effort to condemn them every chance he gets. He ridicules your family and friends, condemning and criticizing them, using derogatory terms to describe them and you. He’s disrespectful of your time and interests.

5. Controlling
Your partner must know where you are and have access to you at all times, often following you to work, calling you at work and accusing you of having an affair, flirting, or doing things behind his back. He wants to know everything you do, while keeping secrets about his own activities.

6. Immature and Childish
No matter what you do, he doesn’t believe you really love him unless you buy him the toys he wants, keep him satisfied, and makes you think it’s your fault his life isn’t perfect. He blames you and lives by a double standard, expecting you to keep ‘rules’ that he doesn’t follow himself.

7. Irresponsible
Your partner isn’t responsible, uses you, doesn’t take responsibility for himself. He isn’t dependable, may not have a job or keep a job, and nothing is ever his fault. He blames everyone else for his failures. He often blames you for his own emotional reactions and bad behaviors.

Source

Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope that things begin to look up for you soon, and that the healing is underway.

Again sorry its so long...but it is such good information. I edited out some parts but the majority is still there.

Also someone brought up a great point. Just because it hasn't reached a physical stage yet doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Emotional and Mental abuse can be just as harmful and damaging as physical abuse. Just because it doesn't leave any visual reminders doesn't mean it isn't abuse and it isn't any better than physical abuse just because there isn't any physical evidence.


Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:
~ Controls finances, so you have to ask for money
~ Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
~ Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful
~Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what you wear
~ Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions
~ Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
~ Scares you by driving recklessly
~ Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:
~ Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon
~ Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will
~ Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
~ Prevents you from going to work or school
~ Stops you from seeing family members and friends
~ Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets
~ Destroys your property
~ Controls your access to medicines
~ Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
~ Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it
~ Tries to force you to drop charges
~ Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.
Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship.

In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

~Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.
~ Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.
~Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.
~ Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.
~ Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.
~ Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.
~ Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.
~ Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:
~ Your abuser strikes using words or actions.
~ Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.
~ Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.
~ Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.


Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to.

Consider taking these precautions:
~ Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.
~ Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.
~ Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.
~ Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.
~ If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.

Where to find help

No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency.

If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:
~ National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.
~ Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.
~ Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.
~ Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.
~ Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.
~ Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

Source

One that jumps out at me with long-distance relationships is that an abuser might demand (overtly or passively) that the partner stop doing the things he/she enjoys, stop going out with friends or family. The abuser might ask the partner to wait online at a particular time, and then consistently not show up for a while, thus eating up any time the partner might have spent with friends or family, which leads to isolation and dependence on the long-distance SO. If one partner is giving up hobbies, exercise, healthy eating, friendships, time with family because of a chatting schedule, and the other partner does not seem concerned, or even encourages this, that is cause for concern. And it might not come across as jealousy but instead as neediness or a tormenting love which, of course, becomes the partner's responsibility. Demanding a sacrifice of time which leads to isolation and an unhealthy lifestyle is a red flag to me.

Another would be picking fights knowing that the partner is very tired (past their normal bedtime) or under a great deal of stress, and then cutting contact (very easy to do long-distance), and possibly staying incommunicado for a few days without an excuse or apology. Some "mountain out of a molehill" arguments do happen just because of time differences and the stress of the process, and I think that's very normal, but if one partner consistently picks fights when the other is vulnerable, and especially if they disappear for a while afterward, I would be concerned. It's important to know how to disagree, even argue, fairly and respectfully. That can be learned. I'm still learning.

Just my two cents. Good thread.

I wish someone would post this in a general discussion spot or something. I happened upon it; but don't usually hang out here. From experience, I can tell you men from any nationality are not exempt from this. I have had some issues with American and Jamaican men. I think EVERYONE on here needs to read this just to be informed.

I just skimmed through all the posts and didnt see anything on abusive women. My ex-wife was terible.


The characteristics of women (or men) who are abusive fall into three categories.

Alcohol Abuse. Alcohol abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence. People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.
Psychological Disorders. There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.
Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions. Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.


http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm

Great posting and it truly does go way beyond cultural lines.

I was a youth pastor and my ex-husband the same. It can happen to anyone in any position. Sometimes it's hard to identify yourself as abused. It took me 2 years to be able to say it out loud, another 2 to leave the relationship fully. When you are being abused you get sick in the process... sometimes that means you stay longer than you should, put up with more than you should, put yourself in harms way, etc. It takes courage to make small steps in those moments.. talking to a friend, getting counselling, moving to a safer spot. All those things are big huge steps and let no one tell you different.

When you loose who you are, who you love, and the colors out of your world, you know something is horribly wrong. It is time to make a step towards freedom.

It's also worthwhile that the distinction really isn't between 'culture shock' and 'abuse' as much as it is between 'acceptable behavior' and 'abuse.' If it's abuse, it's abuse, no matter the justification for it. I.e., it doesn't matter if it would be acceptable in the spouse's home culture if it's not acceptable here.

I met XXX in, 2005, online in a chat room. I was in a bad marriage, unhappy and had already taken steps to end it. XXX was like a dream to me. He said all the right things, made me feel like I deserved happiness and he could give me the world. I traveled for the 1st time to his (MENA) country and stayed 6 weeks. That first trip was wonderful; we traveled extensively throughout the country and I had the time of my life. But now, looking back on it, I guess there were signs of things to come even then..He was extremely jealous... As we began to travel, his behavior became intense. He would become angry at me if I made eye contact with anyone. Man, woman or child. If I looked at a waiter in a cafe' as he was taking my order he would become angry, accusing me of giving what he called 'digger looks' to him. If my eyes followed some commotion on the street, he would again become agitated and accused me of searching out the "attractions" of other men. Now, all of this was totally ridiculous to me. I tried to explain to him that making eye contact with people is what I have done all my life. That it is considered rude and bad manners to not look at someone in the eye when you spoke to them, and if there was noise or something happening in the proximity, it is just human curiosity to turn to see the commotion. He told me that it was the exact opposite in his culture. Looking directly at a man when I spoke made me look like a whore among other things... I just let it go and tried to adjust my reactions. I thought he was just overly protective and perhaps a bit paranoid, but still sweet and gentle.

When I returned home, within just a short time..I noticed something changing in him. We tried to get back in the routine of the MSN chats and web cam, but it felt so different then. After we had been together in person going back to that felt like prison. It was horrible. I was in a deep depression, and something sinister was happening to my love. He started to make these really horrible accusations of me. If he were to sign into MSN and not find me in front of the pc, he would say it was because I was in the other room with another man. If he called my phone and I was in the shower or out of earshot it meant that I was cheating on him. If he called me at work and I was on the phone with a client to him it meant that I was having an affair with my boss. This became my daily existence for over a year. I really don't know why I continued to forgive him. I kept remembering that feeling of pure bliss in the beginning..of the dream that I had of sharing a beautiful life with him. I kept telling myself that it was only the pain of that unnatural separation that was causing him to behave so erratically. So, I plugged on with our process, finally getting the divorce from my x-husband who fought me every step of the way..Filing the petition for his k-1. I kept believing that when he saw the steps I was taking to be with him, the things that I did or if I could get back to see him again, he would be ok.

Finally after a year, I was able to return late last year. This time was much different. There was something in his eyes that was just not right. The entire trip was strained. So many horrible things had been said between us in the previous year, he had so much mistrust of me that I could see was driving him insane. Again and again I kept telling myself that he would be fine when he got here. I had already invested so much time, money and emotional stress into this; and most importantly, I loved him, I was not willing to give up yet.

Finally he got his interview and visa this spring. He arrived in March.. From almost the beginning it was horrible. He is abusive. He started to hit me within the first week. He will lose his temper very quickly and it escalates to violence very quickly. He never hit me hard enough to leave a mark on my face, but left some bruises on my legs and arms on 4 different occasions leading up to first weeks of June. Please, don't ask me why I did not leave. I just don't have the answer to that. . I wanted so badly for this to work.

On Friday June 1, he woke up before me to get ready for work. It was just past 6 am. I was sleeping when I felt his hand on my face. I opened my eyes and he told me to "get up". As I was just sitting up, he grabbed me by my legs and pulled me off of the bed and began to drag me through my house to the kitchen. He picked me up and held me against the window in the kitchen screaming at me "What is that outside"? I live in a duplex that has rows of buildings. The area he was pointing to was just a patch of grass between my building and the next. I asked him what he wanted me to see. He then threw me to the floor and I saw that he had my cell phone. He was screaming at me asking me why I had called the cable company the day before. I told him it was to pay the bill by phone as I do every month. He began babbling that it was because I called the repair man over to have sex with me while he was at work, and he was seeing tire tracks in the grass behind my building. I realized that he was crazy. I was still on the floor at that point and started to crawl away from him. He kicked me, hard 3 or 4 times then he left for work. I was so upset, but I managed to go to work. Fridays are a short day for me, I got off at 3. I decided that I did not want to go home. I went to a local restaurant and sat at the bar and proceeded to drink some margaritas. I ran into a woman that I had met through a co-worker 6 months before. She asked me what was wrong. She said she could tell something was wrong without me even saying anything. I told her everything. She of course told me to run away from him as fast as possible. In that time, a friend of hers, an older man from Germany came in and joined us. He is a very kind man in his 60's. He gave me his number and offered me a place to stay if I needed it and was very gracious.

Later that afternoon when XXX returned home he began to call my phone. I told him exactly where I was. I told him that I was not coming home and that I was going to make arrangements to leave him. By this time, I will admit that I was a bit tipsy, but I was sure of my decision. He begged me to come home. He apologized, admitted how wrong he was and begged me to just come home to talk to him. With my liquid courage inside of me I went home. When I got there he was playing chess with a kid from the neighborhood. I went into the bedroom and fell asleep. I am not sure what time it was, but I was suddenly awoken by him straddling me. The first hit came directly to my chest. Then he started to choke me. He had a look in his eyes of pure insanity. I was sure he was going to kill me. He got up for a moment to close the window and I sprung up and ran out of my house with him right on my heels. I started screaming as soon as I got outside and ran onto the deck of a neighbor and began beating on her window screaming "please call 911". The police arrived. Now, I live in a little nothing place in the south, but I would never have dreamed of how I would be treated. This big redneck cop takes me into the cruiser and I told him everything. I told him that I was afraid that he was going to kill me. He then left me and went to talk to XXX. He came back to the car and said that this was basically my word against his, he was not going to arrest him. He was not going to take him to jail. I was shocked. At that point I became numb. I am not sure, but I think I called the officer a f*ing redneck because he got in my face and told me he was going to take me to jail....I went back inside. For the next week XXX slept on the couch and I had decided that he would go back to his country as it was not working out. He agreed. But as the week went on, he became calm, nice and sweet and loving. He asked for another chance. I gave it to him.

On Monday, June 12th he tried to kill me again. Unprovoked. Craziness. He started demanding that I tell him about the older gentleman from Germany as he had found his number in my purse on that previous Friday. I had already told him exactly who he was and why I had his number. He suspected something else. He beat me for hours. He allowed no chance for escape this time. He kept me locked in my bathroom only taking me out to beat me then put me back in. He choked me several times until I blacked out. He hit me so hard in my face that it became numb. He bit my face and lip and kept putting his hands in my mouth to try to make me gag. It lasted from about 10 pm until 3 am. The whole time he was telling me that he was going to kill me if I did not tell him "the reality". It stopped as quickly as it started. He suddenly lost that glazed look in his eyes and began to cry and beg me to forgive him. I was treated at the hospital for a concussion and many cuts and bruises and put on some heavy medication to calm my nerves. XXX was arrested. He was charged with 1st degree felony kidnapping, 1st degree felony assault by strangulation and assault on a female. He was looking at doing hard time (3-5 years) in prison, after 6 or 7 months in our county jail.

I hired my own lawyer and dropped my portion of the charges. As much pain as he caused me, I didn't want to see him suffer. On July 2nd I went to court and testified that I did not want my husband in jail. I told the judge that we had gone through so much to be together that it was a shame for it to end like that. The DA who was there was furious that a different DA had agreed to reduce the charges to just a misdemeanor assault on a female charge, but because the deal had already been struck between my lawyer, XXX's public defender and another DA there was nothing he could do. After more than 3 weeks in our county jail, the judge released him with $700 in fines and probation.

He is home with me again, at least for now. . His time in jail was hell as it was what he deserved. Things are not good between us. He goes from hot to cold in an instant. Nearly all of the signs that were posted he possesses. I feel so trapped. I have totally isolated myself and have no friends and I feel too much shame to confide in my family as all of the warnings that I was given have now become reality. I am not sure that he will not hit me again, but I don't fear it anymore. My agony now is deeper. My heart is broken. Literally. I feel pain so deeply that it is hard to breath, and that is not from the physical abuse. I have not come to a complete decision about my future with him. I am aware that AOS will be difficult at best for him now that this has happened. He does not want to leave.

Sorry about the long post, but it does feel good to write it all down.

I don't know your family, but I would be willing to bet that they would not make you feel ashamed if you confided in them, and might be a source of strength.

of this whole story, this is the point that stuck out to me the most.

I think its common. A woman goes to a foreign country with a culture so differnt from anything she knows and with preconvied ideas about the culture (mostly subconscious I suspect). She sees things and is a bit disoritented in her interpretation. All the familiar cultural clues are missing. Miscommunication is explained away as cultural misunderstandings.

Sometimes we are right and sometimes we are wrong.

A man walks ahead of the woman instead of beside her. We think- wow he treats women as inferior. He thinks I am going to walk ahead because it is good manners. Both are capable of misreading cultural cues.

In this case, the posters admits there was an apparent culutral miscommunication, but it was much more than just that. It was a clue to the personlaity and values the man held which in hindsight seem soo easy to spot.

secret identity - thank you so so very much for writing this down. As much as it may have helped you to get it out you have no idea how much it probably has helped others.

I hope more come to post their experiences anonymously.

Very good points! My ex had a lot of these mentioned. Khallid doesn't!

Please explain why you put yourself in the situation to be "trapped" when you had all the help in the world at your fingertips to get rid of this sick bastard?

Abuse can take many shapes. I have never been physically abused but have suffered through much more emotional abuse then I ever needed to. When you develop certain habits and tendencies you will get into a pattern which is difficult at best to break and you end up involving yourself, and in some cases, surrounding yourself with abusers because it's comfortable and you really don't know any better.

I can't believe I'm posting this out in the open like this, and no my husband does not treat me this way but that's a whole other story.

When you allow people to make you feel like garbage it takes its toll over time. Personally, I'm in a really bad place in my life right now. Over the years I developed chronic depression, I self-injure, and I drink. You should see my arm right now. Don't let this happen to you. As my husband told me the other day: por favor valora tu vida eres una persona admirable y muy linda solo descubrete...which basically means please value your life you are a good and beautiful person, just discover yourself.

Oh, GOD, Secret_Identity2. Get out of there NOW. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your family. Please think of the pain and guilt they will have for the rest of their lives when he kills you. You cannot let them live with that. Your family and friends will not make you feel shame. They love you and will protect you. You have the ability to change the future. PLEASE take advantage of it.

God bless.

No kidding...and I hope the secret poster isn't - then get out before he kills you...which he most certainly will. He's a psycho path.

Secret_Identity2 its time to bolt before anything else happens.

Get the he!! outta there! NOW.

Hey Melissa I tried sending you a PM but your box was full. I'll try again later. Your husband is right of course.




I don't even really know what to say. No one deserves to be treated that way Secret_Identity, and you know that's true. If you don't break out of this cycle soon, you may never. It may seem overwhelming to get out and leave him and send him home, but you HAVE to do this if you want any peace in your life. Find at least one person who will help you leave. I have no experience with abuse so I don't really know how it feels. But hearing about it just makes me cringe and I can't believe you would tolerate this.

For the same reasons any battered woman does. That's why some states take over the prosecutorial duty from the woman completely; if she says she wants to drop charges, in some states the DA can file them anyway. It's not uncommon for a woman to think 'oh, he just snapped/had a bad day/didn't mean it and I goaded him' and if you add to that someone's immigration status being on the line, there's a whole lot of pressure not to make any decisions to 'ruin someone's life.' (I agree the guy needs his life ruined, but it's easy for me to say that. I'm not the one being abused.)

I think the lawyer who took her money to make this deal with the DA is unethical.

I met my husband on a vacation to his MENA country. We met on the beach and instantly took a liking to each other and were basically inseparable the remainder of my three week trip there. He was so thoughtful and nice I thought. He was very handsome and had the most beautiful smile and his green eyes twinkled when he would laugh. It was a short three week courtship and I was absolutely smitten. He would come to my hotel and bring me flowers and fruit and called nonstop once I was back in my room. I thought to myself finally I have met a man who loves me for me. Or so I thought.

As my trip started to wind down, he started to accuse me (playfully) o of going back to America and forgetting him and I promised him I could never do that. The last day before I was to leave we went to the beach and I dressed in my normal bikini and top covering it and met him a little down the road. He was in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. I said no dear something is wrong because you are sullen and you look angry. He said alright I will tell you what is wrong. You are dressed like a whore. I was so shocked by his words that I said I am sorry I misunderstood you, what did you say? and he said, you look like a whore. Were you planning to pick up men on our way to the beach? I was so hurt but still shocked by his words that I just stared back at him and said how can you say that? He looked back at me and laughed and said you know what I am just kidding around with you like you could pick up any man with those small breasts. By that time, I said I will find my way to the beach, goodbye.

I walked off down to the beach and left him in the distance. Shaken,but determined to not spoil my last day there, I found my friend who was already at the beach and tried to enjoy my last day there. We stayed on the beach for a few hours and then met up with some friends we met there including locals, some Europeans and an American couple. Later that night we went out for dinner and a little dancing. I returned back to my room in the wee hours of the morning and the phone starting ringing uncontrollably. It was him. He was sorry. He explained that he was wild about me and did not want any other man looking at me. I told him it was no excuse! and that I did not have small breasts either! We talked for hours and I decided to forgive him. He explained it all away as culture. Naively, I believed most of it. Then, I started to get very sleepy and he started asking me about what I did that day. I said something like not much just hung out with my friend and we grabbed dinner. He then said don't lie to me you dirty ###### or something to that effect. He said I saw you and I watched you. You were with other men and they touched you and you danced with them. I saw how you looked at them. How much did they pay you for sex? At that point, I said I am going to bed and I never want to see or hear from you again.

I left his country.


I arrived back in the U.S. and after unpacking, I began listening to my voice messages. He had called over twenty times. He professed undying love, ignorance of Western women, and shyness. I did not want to hear any of it and continued going about my day. The next few days he continued to call incessantly and sent tens of emails. Finally after a week of this, I answered the phone and asked him what he thought he was doing? Of course he said he was sorry and he would never hurt me again. His voice sounded so sincere and cracked and I just wore down and starting taking his calls and chatting on line with him. He was a model boyfriend. For six months he was so good to me and I was happy again. We started making plans for me to visit a second time and get married. There he was waiting for me at the airport with flowers and that intoxicating smile. He looked so handsome and he knew it.

We arrived at the apartment we were to stay for almost a month. He had prepared dinner and I told him I had eaten on the plane and was so tired from the flight that I just wanted to go to bed to sleep for a few hours. All of a sudden, he knocked the plate on the floor and yelled, no matter how much I try to make you happy it is never enough. I stared at the food on the floor and I tried to choose my words as carefully as possible. I said everything you do for me I appreciate but I am just tired. I know you worked hard on the dinner and I will eat now and will rest afterwords. He dropped down next to me and said how much he loved me and he just wanted everything to be perfect for me. He went back over to the stove and started acting like nothing had happened. he fixed me another plate and asked if I wanted more bread and things like that. I ate two plates full. I thought that should be enough to allow me to finally sleep.

Midweek had arrived and there had been no more incidents. We decided to go out for dinner that night and dinner was great. We walked back to the apartment and life seemed good. I remember hearing the bolt of the door locking and before I knew it, he had thrown me into the wall and accused me of flirting with the waiter. A picture frame fell off the wall, cracked and glass fell on my head. That got his attention and he stopped and said, my love what have I done? I am so sorry. I was shocked(again) and crying. He dried my tears with his shirt. He continued to apologize and asked me to take a piece of the glass and cut him. I said no and he said he deserved it. I said no again and as I looked up he had grabbed a piece of glass and cut his arm. I rushed over to him and started screaming what are you doing????? and he cried. He said he did not deserve to live for what he did to me. So the rest of the night I could not even process what he did to me because I comforted him all night. However that night I promised myself this relationship was over. The next day, I awoke to find him gone. I called his cell and he showered me with love words and said he wanted me to meet his family that day. I told him why? You never mentioned it before and he said he had been thinking about it,but decided this was a good time. I told him I was not sure if I wanted to meet them and he said it was done and they were coming later that evening.

Meet the parents.

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts. We were both happy and I thought,finally he sees that I am loyal to him and that I love him. I came back to the U.S. and filed all the papers for him to come. We talked many times a day and used instant messenger and web cams to bridge the distance. We wound our way through the visa journey just like many here and eventually he was approved and he arrived here. As soon as he arrived he was so helpful. He cooked, cleaned and found a job very quickly. We were so happy. Months passed and he adjusted well and we successfully completed AOS and it was if a big weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We made plans for a weekend trip to celebrate. We walked the city and had a very good time the first night there. The second night we did the same thing and had dinner in the hotel's restaurant. He went from being very talkative to a plain stare. I wondered what was wrong. I thought had I said something and did not realize it? I could not think of anything. When the waiter passed back by our table and asked for the check and I said but I wanted dessert. He looked at me and said have you seen your hips these days? I said why yes I have and I am in a smaller size than when I met you. I then told the waiter when he came back to bring me the mousse. My husband said he was leaving and I sat and had my dessert alone. After about an hour, I headed back up to the room. I put my key in the door,but the deadbolt was on. I knocked on the door, then hammered on the door and then furious I went to the hotel lobby to call up to the room and tell him to open the door even though there was no way he did not hear me. He did not answer the phone. I then had the desk attendant call the room and he still did not answer. The clerk then said if there was a problem, another room was available for the night. I declined and said I would just go to the bar and thought maybe after some time, he would calm down and open the door.


So a few hours later and a few drinks later, I headed back up to the room with the same result. He still refused to answer the door. I was very sleepy by then and since I had my car keys in my purse, I slept in the car for the night. The next morning he had all these hotel workers searching for me like he had never not locked me out of my own room. I told him I wanted to go home and I had serious doubts about our marriage and if it should continue. He started to cry and said the waiter was looking down my top at dinner and he got jealous. I told him those excuses were nonsense and he either trusted me or he did not. He cried and cried for hours and begged me not to leave the marriage. I was so tired and just wanted to go home and I agreed to work on it. That was a few months ago. We are still together but I do not know for how long. Each word and move I make is analyzed to determine if it might set him off. Life like this is hell and I would not wish this existence on anyone. I keep waiting for the next outburst and hoping it never occurs.

Abuse and belittling etc is not LOVE. its an ownership and selfish thinking. The male dominated cultures the controlling issue is cultural and the norm in many esp Asian and LAtin cultures. So you better know what the reality is of marriage and be able to deal with it before you make that leap. That is real culture shock if one is not prepared. Thesre boys are not raised in the west you would be foolish to think he would change his whole persona @ home just becaause of a good time you had on your initial etc visit.. I have to do the there theres and tell/ask for where im going and so on. soo what I chose the sucurity, love , family, devotion, and this outs shines any of the what is presumed in our society as "controlling". Bottom line, if you cant go to your SO about your concerns, and he cant realize the distress enough to work on a solution. then get some help from outside. if that doesnt work then leave it life is too short to deal with Craziness.
best wishes to all you VJ sister all u do
cindi

Secret_Identity_2 and others going through this, this is heart wrenching to read. Love does not bruise and strangle and cut, ever. I'm praying for your safety and that the path you need to take will be as smooth as possible. You are stronger than you think you are, and you are never alone, even when it feels like it. Please reach out when you need to.

I hope and pray that people reading this who have seen the signposts of abuse whose spouse/fiance is not here yet really thinks long and hard before going any further.

To those of you who are in the middle of this I pray that you gain the strength needed to get out and to get the help you need to learn that you are a child of God worth so so so very much,............definitely worth more than what you are receiving from someone who is abusive and taking your spirit away layer by layer.

Oh my, you poor thing.

I hope you can get out of your marriage without too much trouble. No one deserves to be treated that way.

I broke out in cold sweat when I read this... Secret_Identity2, what can possibly keep you with this person? You had a chance to make him suffer, you had a chance to make him pay for all these horrible crimes he committed against you, and you didn't take this chance!!! I know, it may be very easy for me to say - I am not the one being abused, but still... This is BAD. He is a sicko and he needs to be locked up, my heart is breaking as I'm reading this...

Rightbeforeyou... get out. Please...

We can plead with these ladies to "GET OUT" all we want...the reality is they have to WANT to get out. They have to find the strength and courage to make that first step. Been there myself...and that first step is always the hardest. But it CAN BE DONE. I just hope these two ladies choose to take care of themselves in this way.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?
I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

Because I post on VJ occasionally, I chose to register under a different name to post my abuse story. I thought that was clear from the sign in name I chose;rightbeforeyou. It is because I am right before you but I am too ashamed and embarrassed to use my other ID. I am not here to blame all Arab men ,I married one. I think my abuse says as much about me as it does about him. I know I need to get out. That has kept me awake at night for many hours. I just do not know if I am strong enough to do it.

Sorry Stina I emptied it. Thanks

well I hope and pray for you to find the strength to do what you have to.

Abuse, by design and at the hand of the abuser, erodes the self-esteem of the victim to the extent that they are not only told that they are, but they begin to believe that they are responsible for the terrible outbursts and what is happening. That lack of self-esteem pulls them in to the dynamic more and ultimately can turn to co-dependency.

Please, secret identity, and rightbeforeyou, do not suffer in silence, but report this behaviour of your partners to a social worker, a pastor, a police officer, anyone!

She SAID SHE WAS THERE FOR 3 MORE WEEKS. You can get married in that amount of time.

Sarah I had suggested that people get an anonymous account to tell their story so that they'd feel like they could share it more freely. Some feel more comfortable doing it that way so that they're not judged.

I was going to say that it would be nice to hear about it from other countries since it's obviously not just a mena problem but then I thought that would sound like it would be nice if others were abused so I couldn't find the right way to word it. I'm sure there are others out there but just don't feel comfy telling it with their id but if they would just make up a new one (not sure if that's against policy but just for this one time) then they could share it without anyone knowing who they are.

I think one of the biggest things people need to start realizing is that extreme jealousy does NOT show a 'deep level of desire/love/protectiveness/etc'....it's crazy, distrusting, and downright dangerous. While it might give a boost to the ego like 'awww he loves me sooo much'....the real message being sent is RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Oh, and ty to the two women who shared their stories....you already know what you both need to do. I just went to a domestic abuse fundraiser last week....the statistics are horrifying.....and it's not going to get better. We all know that. Please think of your own safety and GTFO....NOW.

And people consider the dates/milk thing getting married, btw. Take a poll in MENA to find out.

think one of the biggest things people need to start realizing is that extreme jealousy does NOT show a 'deep level of desire/love/protectiveness/etc'....it's crazy, distrusting, and downright dangerous. While it might give a boost to the ego like 'awww he loves me sooo much'....the real message being sent is RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.


sister lisa, you are right on the target as usual

they aren't new members....

Sorry, I didnt and still dont see anything in her post about the dates and milk. I do know that tradition but I dont see it mentioned by her.

I also see where she said she was there and they had a flat for a month, 3 weeks of which they were married. so they got married a week after she got there. Thats the timeline I was questioning and the timeline which made me feel a little doubtful about this version of events.


Again, to those of you posting and suffering in situations of domestic abuse, I hope and pray for each of you to find the strength and support to get out sooner rather than later.