I'm on my lunch break- so I'm going to try and make this short. But I really need advice. My fiance is currently living with his Grandparents while he's going to university because his Step-father is abusive, controlling, and in general- a horrible person. Well, when we got our NOA2 he called his mother to let her know and tell her how excited we were and they got really serious and decided that they would come to see him this weekend.

They arrived (with step-father in tow) last night and began to ATTACK him. Telling him he shouldn't come to the US, we need to cancel our visa right away, etc. Because THEY don't want him to come to the US. Even though we had had a discussion about the visa, etc. in the spring and everyone had come to an agreement on it and all was well.

What I'm figuring is that his family was hoping our visa would be denied easily (I don't know why) and that we would be forced to live in Japan. Which NEITHER of us want to do. The step-father even went as far to say that if Yuibi left he would DIVORCE his mother (likely an empty, spiteful threat) and SUE Yuibi (which is just.. stupid).

Obviously we are NOT going to stop the visa process. We will get married, we've been together and hoping for this for far too long to just throw away all of our dreams because his family is suddenly going ballistic. When they were attacking him- he told them my opinion and they (probably wish they hadn't said) "well where is she now? I want to hear her opinion from her". SO when I woke up this morning for work- heard what had happened. I told him that I'd LOVE to give them my opinion. And I basically had a huge Smackdown via Webcam with the step-father. During which the step-father was ridiculous, couldn't support any of his reasoning, and was just a spiteful idiot in general. Then of course, he demanded he speak with my parents tonight and get their opinion. To which I said, "That's great. I get my stubborness from them."

What I really want to know is, what is everyone's advice? I don't want us to be estranged from his family! But if they continue to attack him until the day he leaves how can we possibly keep a positive relationship with them??

PS. If anyone is wondering why parents are so involved- I'm 20 and he's 21. So we're younger than most VJers.

I can see only two possibilities. You will either be estranged from his family like you said, or over time, they will get over it. In the end though, if this is something both of you want, then you two need to do what is best for you as a couple. I think we all want to be in good with the inlaws, but that isn't always possible. I think there can sometimes be more problems when two cultures come together. Again, though, you are a couple. What makes you happy is most important.

I think the next time they are attacking him he should give them "his" opinion, not yours. Are you sure he really wants to live in the US? Maybe he's getting nervous about it and isn't sure. He is an adult and knows his family a lot better than you do. Cultural barriers are not easy to cross and family situations are particularly tricky.
It's up to him to handle it.

From my point of view maybe he should just say "I love this woman, want to marry her, and I have decided to go live in the US. I love you, too and I hope that you will be able to accept my decision in time." As a man that's all he needs to say.

Arguing about it isn't going to make things any better. People are just going to end up saying things that people won't forget. They will just demonize you for "taking him away" if you argue with them.

I would be pissed, too, but think that these people are ALWAYS going to be in your life whether you like it or not. They will be grandparents to your children. You may have to swallow your American pride a little and and let him take care of it.

If you show them honor and respect and if they are decent people they will come around. It may take a few years. If they don't come around before then I'm sure they'll break if they see a grandchild. (Don't expect them to apologize, though. There is pride on both sides.) They're just afraid, I think. People hear all sorts of bad things about America and are worried that something could happen to him and they would not be able to protect him. Also, they will miss him terribly.

This is just my opinion but it does come from some experience in a similar situation.

Good luck.

Yes, "face" is a very important part of the Asian culture.

Be prepared for a long battle. I wish you both the best and all I can say is stay strong and stay united in this.

We are also young VJ'ers, (23 and 20 respectively,) but in our case, both sets of parents are happy and supportive. We have been mature and decisive in our choices and that is perhaps the best advise I can give you: if they think you are not 100% committed to this, then there is room to manipulate your opinions or force their own.

I'll be thinking about you guys - hope this all turns out well in the end.

~ Eka

Oh geez...
just tell them that it is better to HAVE a visa and HAVE a US residency and then be free to make a choice of where to live. Rich job opportunities, international experience... blah blah...
They may understand this better than you two taking off to have a life on the other side of the planet... In the dangerous place called USA.

It will also be a goof practice of compromising (at least in words)...

From a perspective of a parent with grown children I advice to keep calm, cool and collected. Do not argue.
Assure them that all will be well and your family can add reasurrance with their support for your decisions.
The last thing that is needed is a big family fight.

I left Germany as a young woman to immigrate here to the US as a spouse of a USC.
I am the only child. I found out years later that my mother cried herself to sleep at night.
She was not able to see her grandkids except for occasional visits.

Now that I am older and have grown kids of my own, I understand how hard it was for her. Then I didn't ,I thought she was controlling.

Just be calm and gentle with the whole situation. Remain respectful, even if they are not. They will come around sooner or later.

Thank you for your replies.

Teacher- he has given them his opinion. He tells them what he wants and he says, "we both want this because we love eachother and want to be together". The issue with me having a row with the step-father is because they criticized Yuibi knowing 'my' opinion and attacked him when he said "This is mine, and this is her's" when explaining our feelings and opinions.

Quite honestly- the step-father is controlling, physically abusive (to my fiance's mother, him, and his siblings), and really won't be happy unless someone is suffering.

I feel A LOT more relieved now that I'm home and talking to my fiance again though. Because he said that after I had it out with the step-father (the mother and grandparents were watching and heard/saw the whole thing) they rest of the family (aside from the step-father) are actually feeling like we are right. The step-father made no sense, and just keptchanging his story. While I stayed firm and kept saying "This is our decision. We discussed this before we petitioned and agreed at that time. It is now too late for you to change your mind."

A continuing theme in this engagement is that (because of the culture of Japan) his family is struggling to keep him in Japan. But neither of us want to live in Japan. And what I continue to tell them is that if we live in Japan- my family will feel depressed. But if we live in the states- they will be depressed. So we can't try to please someone because in the end one side of the family will get hurt. We just have to make the decision for ourselves and for our future.

An update!

They spoke with my parents tonight via webcam for about 4 hours and... well. Apparently from the sensational 'smackdown' I had this morning I earned respect from everybody (because everyone is afraid to stand up to the step-father except Yuibi and I) and they were all in agreement with us even though they still don't want Yuibi to go. WHICH I understand. I've understood (both families) not wanting us to move to another country from the beginning. It's natural.

The step-father is the real cause of the problem. His tactics are led by greed and his desire to control everyone around him and are NOT in Yuibi or my best interest. For some reason, he thought that he could sway my parents belief that we should be supportive in our decision (whatever it may be). But, hilariously enough, he really made a mess of things by telling my FATHER that Yuibi and I owned him money for paying to raise Yuibi from the time he was 10-18. He demanded that Yuibi and I pay him $50,000 or we couldn't get the visa. As anyone might imagine- this didn't go over so well- and my father told him where to shove it basically (although in a surprisingly polite way). To my surprise, at that time, everyone (Yuibi's mother and grandparents) BURST into laughter at the step-father's expense.

Several times during the conversation with my parents the step-father just huffed off yelling at no one and walked out of the room simply because they told him that they didn't understand why he was demanding we owned him something for fulfilling (somewhat) his responsibility that he took on when he married Yuibi's mother. AND that they didn't understand why he couldn't support Yuibi and why he just wanted to keep Yuibi from happiness. (The step-father makes no pretense that he wants Yuibi to be happy- he outright says that being happy isn't important and Yuibi needs to stay in Japan and live his life making HIM (the step-father) happy).

Eventually the step-father got irritated that his flawed and selfish logic wasn't swaying anyone's opinion at all and stomped off into the other room.

THEN, the civil conversation began when for the first time we got to talk to Yuibi's mother. Who is actually genuinely just concerned about her soon moving off to a foreign country. From that point on everything was absolutely fine. But, I'm pretty sure it's concrete that my family hates the step-father. And thankfully, although my dad did get REALLY aggitated at several points, they were civil and the step-father was the one who was being hateful.

Thanks again for everyone's replies. I hope that we can gain the support of his family. Either way we are moving forward because this is what we both have wanted and worked for for so long. I want nothing more than for his family to accept our decision (even if they still don't want him to leave) and for us to all remain on fantastic terms. I'm hoping and praying that it's possible.