I have to say thanks to all of you MENA/ VJ'er.. I got a huge amount of PM's showing me support.. Thank you SOO MUCH for the support.. and the offer of a "shoulder"

I actually was surprised at the amount of people who say they are dealing with the same thing

I never really thought this would be life life once he got here

Nothing has gotten better.. maybe i guess worse. I'm on the verge of loosing my job.. I couldnt even go in today.. and I am calling out tomorrow too..

I finally cornered him to speak to a religious leader (imam).. and my out look towards our future in Not a good one... but God knows.. I DO love him... but I will NOT tolerate living how I have had to live these past 3 weeks

I got a few comments that I should be grateful that atleast my man is here... And believe me.. I was Very thankful things went as quickly as they did... BUT abusive behavior.. mental, emotional and physical will NOT be tolerated.. even if this is supposed to be an "adjusting period" of our life together/ getting used to living in america... ESPECIALLY infront of my VERY impressionable 5 and 6 year old boys....... my home is NOT supposed to be a war ground.. but my santuary.


for all of those who confided in me about what they are dealing with now... or what they feel might happen in the future..

Please think with your head and not your heart.. IF he is NOT even hear yet and MY story makes me nervous that this is your future... think LONG and hard BEFORE he comes into the country.. ESPECIALLY if you have kids...

anyways...

thanks everybody

You are a brave woman, best of luck to you.

I was thinking about you in the past few days..........I pray that things get better for you Dee.

Can you let me talk with him as a last opportunity? If I could not help, It would not make it worse than how it is now, like how you said. Insha Allah I may help.

Adjustment is one thing but abuse is bullshit. If there's abuse, it's time, dee. We're all here for you.

You have been there to encourage me when i needed it and i am doing the same for you. No matter what you decide you know what is best better than any of us know. And when you have kids yes you are right you can't think with your heart. Stay strong and in the end no matter what god will take care of you and your children. You are a strong woman and i know you will get through all of this. You will be in my prayers.



AJ1

Dee, I think you are very strong and very smart. I hope you have luck in making a peaceful home for your family.

One of my experiences -

I pitched a couple of fits here for no real reason except I was feeling frustrated and isolated. (I have been away from my home/country/family for more than a year) I miss my family a lot. (I don't really know why....I mean, after I am with them for a couple of days, I need a break ) And, I really think that when we get to USA and if he starts to feel the same, I will know where he is coming from. I guess I just want to say that anybody can feel those frustrations. I don't think it just affects men, or people from MENA, or any particular group.

You are doing a great thing for yourself by reaching out for support for yourself and your husband to counteract the turbulence at home! I hope it passes soon!

Dee, It sounds as of you are in a good place mentally and emotionally even though the situation is not improving- if that makes sense? I'm sure you will make the best decision for your family and for yourself. I wish you the best.

I wish you the best whatever you decide Dee.

Adjusting to a new Country is one thing, but verbal abuse does not fall into the catagory of an adjustment period. I think you are a smart women for seeing these signs this soon, and thinking of your sons first. More moms should be like you.

I hope life treats you good.


Jackie

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!
(((hugs)))
Tanya

I hope things improve for you and that got enlightens his head and his heart.

Sending you all the strength in the world, this has to be such a hard time for you and your boys.. best wishes,,,, and to the people who say you should be happy your mans here at least, they are just jealous.... Yeah your ap/ar was fasssst, but god bless you that was your fate, it is not something to throw in your face when your struggling.. Hang in there

Dee,
We all know how grateful you are to have your husband here. I can't imagine going through what you are going through. I for one cannot believe that he is treating you the way he is. I wish you the best,
Sarah

just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you dee. i really hope things get better. if there is physical abuse that is pushing the line. yes you should be grateful that he is there after waiting for him but if he is hurting you.....it may not really be worth it right?.........well whatever you decide i wish you the best.

Dee,
I'm wishing you the best whatever you decide. You have been very strong and way more patient than what I would've been. Their are no excuses for his behavior.....even if he is in an adjustment period....it's all wrong. You're a great mother for thinking of your children first. They will remember a lot of what has been going on years down the road. Stay strong! You have a lot of support here.

YOU KNOW BEST

I wish you well. I am concerned about the abuse you say you are experiencing. I know that adjusting to another country is hard but couples are usually still in the honeymoon period this early on. If he's treating you badly now then this may be an indication of how he handles stress, etc. and will probably only get worse. Life is full of stress and you will need a partner that supports you and your children.

I had a good friend who loved a man deeply for years. It was long distance. Once she got to know him she was shocked to find that she had been taking what she knew about him and filling in the blanks. He was not the person she thought he was at all. The person she had loved didn't really exist.

I hope things work out for you and your children. You're right. Your home should be a santuary.
Best Wishes

Dee, like everyone else said, you are smart to see the signs and know that you have to do what you must for your children. I won't tell you what to do but I've definitely semi-lived with my abusive ex, so while that guy and I didn't go through the immigration process, I can relate to the verbal abuse. (It did escalate to physical more than once but if he hit me I definitely hit him back, so maybe I'm not much better...)

I broke it off with him, took him back, saw he was still a jerk, and gave him the boot for good.

I won't defend your husband's actions, but if you kick him out and he wants a second chance, well....that's up to you. You're in my thoughts!

I wish you and your boys all the best, Dee. I know you will do what is right for you and your family.

Much love to you and your kids

Sorry things have been so bad.

I think adjusting to a new country would be very hard, but it seems to bring out(or force out) the real person within. And if the person is someone very different than you thought, that would be stressful. Adjusting is no excuse for this kind of behavior if it involves abuse in any way.

Dee, I think you were very smart to take the steps you have taken thus far. It is so hard to finally take action when it is something of this nature. We all support you in your decision whatever it may be. Many many kudos to you too for thinking of ur kids first and foremost. So many people forget about them in times like this. Much luck to you girl.

amal

Dee-- I hope things get better after you make your final decisions. We all know you've really thought about this and tried hard. You did not fail and don't think you did.

I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your children. Adjustment or not, there is NO excuse for physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. It appears that you are a strong and courageous woman and I wish you the best during this difficult time.....

Dee,
I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved, but happy to hear that you are moving forward, continuing to seek out a solution. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

Even if it were culture shock... this is the United States of America. We don't legally abuse our spouses here nor tolerate making excuses for it.

Exactly.

I know you are faced with some difficult times but I truely hope that what ever decidion you make is the best one for you and your kids.

Grrrrr... I just wrote this huge long thing and it got erased oh well.. i"ll start again



I again I was moved by opening up VJ to see 11 pm's from the members honestly... It really touches me

Yesterday We were at the Imams office for 5 hours!!!!!!! It was nice because he told him he was WRONG in several issues. It was also nice that the Imam told my husband I am normal (he seems to think "no other woman/ wife acts the way I do" ) BUT he was then told I do act like anyother woman / wife... and the same goes for the kids... (he says the same thing about them too) The Imam said that it IS his intention to try and keep this relationship together.. but after hearing everything.. he said we were on Paper thin grounds.. He said he gives us One Week for ANY sign of improvement... He wants us to go back every week.. it was left that my husband needs to make Multiple improvements and I need to have more patience during this - trying not to get a tone in my voice when I have to deal with him


what else did I write........

my family has started expressing their concern for me and the kids... My mom got me on the phone saying she knows something is up... and this is not good.. almost begging for me to send him back to egypt.. My oldest son later that day I guess told her about mommies crying and the fights/ yelling I swear.. this talk from my kids breaks my heart


A VJ friend referred me to this book... which arrived to me next day

http://www.astrolabe.com/product/323/Bliss...amic_Guide.html

it is a great book good read... It helped me with alot of issues I was having conflicting to Islam and the position of a wife... all these things I did already KNOW.. but now were made doubtful due to the stuff my husband was saying.

he also seems to skim though to find what HE wants to point out... WITHOUT reading the full paragraph.. which then further explains What HE is supposed to do!!!!!!!!

but anyways.. I referr it to anyone who is interested... Even the NON muslims.. it helps explain the mind/ view point of a Muslim Husband

Yay! It's good to see that you were backed up! Did he seem to want to absorb anything coming from the imam?

Alhamdulilah, I'm glad the imam was helpful for you all and that he laid it out for your husband that he needs to improve. You're very lucky to find someone like that. inshaAllah your husband will benefit greatly from the meetings and improve, or else you know that you've done everything you can and should have no regrets about shipping him off

Maybe bring the book with you to your next counseling session and see if the imam is familiar with it. There are several chapters that would provide an excellent basis for a counseling session - discussing what is written and seeing how each partner understands and wants to impliment the advice.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things improve for you and your kiddos. Would it be possible for them to stay with your mom for awhile?

yes and no..

but he was very quick to point out the tone in my voice this morning when he asked if I was coming home for lunch.. " ah.. NO!? i lost two days of work.. my boss is very upset at me there is NO way i can take a lunch"

*sigh*

Well at least you got something... and that's better than nothing. I know it probably still feels like a fly against glass-- just not. quite. getting. it.

haha..

and I wish i could have them stay somewhere.. but that isnt a option.. plus.. if I was alone with him??!!

i also read that book last year when i was getting more serious with abdou. it helped me understand a woman's roll in a muslim marriage (even though i am not). but what HE might see me as. i also read a few others but this one was the best! good luck dee.

Ok so it's been 8 hours now since you posted that...any change?? I so want to hear that things are turning around.

I think she only posts from work now that he's here so we'll have to wait for tomorrow to see if things have gotten slightly better. Plenty of prayers going up Dee!

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

What are you even talking about? Have you not read any of Dee's posts about the problems she has been having? Do you think that she is upset because her husband looked at her "funny"? Your inability to understand the true problems that Dee is having is quite disturbing.

I am embarassed for you that you just posted that. Wow. Just wow.

I have little clue what you are going throu Dee... I guess I missed alot... but you are right NO home should be warzone. I keep always thinking of my daughter. No matter what happens with the guy or INS... children always most important. I will pray for you sister... enchallah you will recieve ease in your time of distress. amin

he also seems to skim though to find what HE wants to point out... WITHOUT reading the full paragraph.. which then further explains What HE is supposed to do!!!!!!!!

[/quote]

salam
I hope the imam sessions work for you guys. It is a bit scarey to hear him say you are on paper thin grounds though:( but maybe hearing that will be a wakeup call for everyone involved to work on things and inshalalh for the better.

The fact taht he is looking at the book (even if to point out things in HIS favor) may be a good thing. It will at least open up some dialogue between you two. You can maybe use that as a stepping stone to help improve things.

I hope all is ok and things do work out. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

p.s. It's sad to hear about your kids though. They sound like they are afraid of what is gonig on. Is your mother local that they can maybe spend a weekend-or whatever days you may have off of work with-with her? If you can have a weekend or something with no work and the kids at her place, it will give you all the time with him with no distractions and it may help things too to have time for just you and him.)

How do you know the "other side?" Dee has been/is a hellofa women to even be putting up with this kind of crap. No woman or child should have to go through anything like this.

Still rootin for you Dee. My husband is very concerned about your husband's behavior, and his offer to chat with him still stands, if he's so inclined.

doodle is right.. I'm only logging on from work.. but I am getting wary of even posting on here.. Apparetly he is "checking up" on me.. and some how saw my myspace page that has been private??? (and no.. as far as i know he has No account on there)

he also is going through my things at home. Which I am not too happy with every phone call he demands to know who it is....... Even IM's// I've stopped opening them.. cause he then HAS to read what and who i am typing too

we are still fighting every night.... but No HUGE blow outs yet

honestly.. i feel so distant from him.. I'd rather not talk to him.. just be in silence.... even hearing him breath seems to annoy me.. i dont even want him to touch my hand

I'm angry, bitter resentful..... he's on my sh*t list now

What I Pm'd u the other day stll stands. I'm off today so feel free. I think he's taking things a bit too far. It sounds like its not getting much better. I hope that with some more visits to the Imam it will help him to realize what he is doing is unacceptable. I'm keeping you in my prayers girl.

i dont know..... even if he DOES come around... i dont know if I can change.. he says I am like a stone now.. or my blood is ice..... Maybe it is.

Those kind of statements from him are totally manipulative and unfair. Just because you have withdrawn from him, doesn't mean you have changed as a person. You are protecting yourself. He's battered your trust in him emotionally, what does he expect?