OMG, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Its true that culture shock can make them act differently, and each man reacts differently, but there is no excuse for this. I am amazed at your strength.

I'm amazed at her patience.

I'm amazed at some of these posts.

Dee, you are doing the right thing. Stay strong.

I hope it all works out for you.

Jackie
wish we could have talked to an imam.

fighting again.......

now i'm a lesbian... but yet having sex with other men.....

he went through MORE of my old boxes in my closets...... boxes i have checked in 10 years

he found a forgien language book that had lesbian terms.... not for nothing it was 10 years old.. and it had 5 languages in it

Dee, I think your husband has some serious mental issues. I'm worried for your safety. This is not normal and definitly NOT culture shock.

Dee, do you have anyone that can come get him?

havent checked in ten years......... edit...

and nope

Yeah, I agree, that is way beyond normal culture shock and adjustment issues. He needs to GET AHOLD OF HIMSELF. and you need to get away.

the Imam? Can you call him and ask if someone is available to come get him during the day and take him to the mosque to get away from the house & the computer? He needs to get out of there, and I know you probably don't want to spread your business too far, but it seems your imam is really great and on your side.

Gosh Dee.....he is sounding more and more like my ex. It seems like he's trying to find a reason to freak out even more on you. Why does he feel it necessary to seach through all your old things? Does he feel like you're hiding something? Is he trying to piss you off even more so you will send him home? I wish I could do something or say something more, but this behavior is just wrong on all levels.

deemabrouk,

The following suggestion has to be some of the best advice (in regards to a sensitive personal situation) I've seen on VisaJourney in a very long time. Please call your Imam.

Dee sounds like he has just too much time on his hands and his mind and idle hands are up to no good. Maybe some odd jobs around the house if he has this much free time. Did he ever check into volunteering? I feel for ya.

Good Luck

I dunno, Jodo. My husband has a lot of time on his hands, too, but he doesn't go through my stuff and call me a lesbian. This is a way bigger problem than just idle hands.

Agreed

I don't think anyone should make excuses for his behavior at this point.

Ya I know it is sort of "out there" behavior,but how could things go so downhill so fast? It just seems so unreal,but I know it is very real to Dee and her kids.

Yeah I think that is the shocking part of it but Dee is smart to see the signs so early on and not to stay quiet about it. Many women might experiance the same things but stay quiet in hopes that things will change. I think Dee is setting a great example for women here.

She sure is

Of course you are as stone to him. I know I would be. What he is doing is wrong and 100% unacceptable. I am worried about you and your children. He may not be a dangerous person but he is definitely putting your family in a very very bad situation. I don't like to tell anybody to give up on their relationship but I will tell you to be very careful. It could be any variety of things causing him to act this way so I can't say..ohh he's doing this coz of (insert reason here). Only you know your situation (as I've said before) and you can analyze it much better than any of us. I admire your strength in this. Don't let him go any further than he has already gone.

amal

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that he didn't want to come here in the first place because he didn't want to leave his mother. Sure he loves Dee but he did NOT want to leave Egypt and everything that he knows. Because of that I think he is doing everything he can to make this fail. EVERYTHING.

What a shame too. A beautiful, smart wife, two beautiful stepsons, an extremely speedy visa process (for mena anyways), a promising future and wham he has to go and act like this and not even TRY to make things better.

I really think he's doing this all deliberately so that she will have to be the bad guy and kick him back to Egypt. I've seen it before where the SO is too weak to admit defeat so he tries to make the spouse into the bad guy by pushing all the buttons.

That's my 2 cents.

What is wrong with some mens minds? You are his wife? To abuse you and accuse you of this crap...wow, just wow.

My husbands "friend" just lost his fiance to something similar. There was no physical abuse because she is here, but he has accused her of doing her sister and her dog. He based this on the way she talked to him when he called her. He said "she sounded too relaxed, like she just had sex". OMG, what kind of sick mind thinks of these things? His ex fiance was smart to cut the ropes now or he would be in your shoes.

I think calling the imam is an excellent idea. I wish there was something more I could do.

It sounds like ur reaction to him - distancing urself...sounds like a healthy reaction to a stressful situation and a normal response to protect yourself...I am worried about ur safety and I am sure you will trust ur instinct regarding ur personal safety...it might not hurt to have a safety plan in mind should a fight or argument get out of hand...I used to work for a crisis agency and would be happy to talk to you more about this if u feel/think it might be helpful..some suggestions and I dont know where things are at w/u and ur SO and if this is necessary.....however if ur fights have progressed to physical violence, it is important to have a safety plan that works for you, suggestions IMO - avoid fights in kitchen, know where ur exits are at all times, have method (code word of some sort) to communicate to another person u trust if you need help right away...this may not be needed and I hope its okay that I commented on this...but I am always concerned about safety when I hear what is being described as domestic violence..,you know the situation better than anyone else, follow ur gut and instinct and hang in there....

I am amazed, truly of ur strength here......Melinda

How do I know the "other side"? I wasn't born here, that's how. Neither was my ex. Everybody was adjusting differently. But not the way Dee's describing.

Seriously Sarah, get a life! You spend way too much online! How's YOUR married life? Lucking something?

Just checking in to see how things are going with you Dee. Like others here, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Sounds like you have plenty of support.

Visa: This is Dee's support thread. Please take your personal stuff to PM.

dee, you can know yourself that whatever comes of this, YOU gave it YOUR best shot. This wasn't your failure.

visa4habibi, since you quoted me and then flipped out, there's a difference between 'i'm feeling homesick and frustrated because I can't figure out how the mail system works in this country' and 'i'm going through her underwear drawer because I think she's a lesbian, frightening her kids and being emotionally abusive and still demanding sex.'

There's always adjustment issues, but 'culture shock' isn't a blank cheque to be an abusive a$shole. I'm sorry if that shocks you or makes you think that everyone else is kicking out their husbands at the slightest difficulty, but there you go.

Dee,
I cannot believe he is doing this to you! Going through your stuff? That's too much.

Good luck

I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry your going through this. It's hard to start with when we have kids to make the decision to bring another adult into the mix then when things do not go as planned regardless of where the SO is from it is horrible. Stay strong, your in my prayers.

Well.... from the sounds of it, I think that you need to tell him a big no on any business loan and have him get a real job. You do not need to get him all involved in a business this new in the country. He can get a job like anyone else and then make the contacts to start a business. Second, I think that with certain men used to bossing everyone around that there will be a period of adjustment.Its up to you whether you want to put up with it or not. As far as you cheating? When the hell would you have time to cheat? You have 2 kids and you have been struggling to get him here. I am so sorry but some of these guys do this when they get here.... I do not think he is trying to sabotage your relationship. I think he is genuinely just flipping out. I get scared when some of the guys who just get here hook up with some of the local scammers and they start putting things in the guys head( better not get into this subject...flames will start) Thats a subject for pm not the boards. Lets just put it this way, some of his new found friends may NOT be the best thing for your marriage. Especially ones who have married for papers and left the Americans. They can put stuff in his head and have him start questioning your whole relationship. I know that when I am with my husband , I am not allowed messengers and the one I have he wants to see. This is a control issue and possesiveness. He could think you are chatting with other men or about him .. who knows? Anyway, just dont take any loans out for him and let him go to work and make some money. Lots of people have to work for years before starting businesses

well.. last night took a turn for the worst. The fight about being a "Lesbian" exploded again @ 11 pm? Apparently when looking through my stuff he found a picture of me and one of my best friends of 13 years... This was before I convered.. hair out.. etc. Well The picture has me puckering(mouth closed) a kiss at her cheek and her mouth is open.. showing teeth.. a piece of tongue.. piercings and everything near mine (no tongue OR lip action )....... BUT apparently this picture "proves" I am a lesbian...... That she is inlove with me... etc

He told me he found a picture that proved everything... And i racked my brain of what God awful picture i took in my crazy days... but HONESTLY i couldnt think of ANY pic like that...

When he should me the pic I had to laugh.. It was Completely NUTS that..... It escalated into Finding out that our Mutual friend has also been feeding him BS.. telling him I am still talking to 2 american muslim men online in myspace.. and a BUNCH of other crap (my friendship to her is now OVER)

Around 2:30 am things got physical... and I IMMEDIATLY decided that was the LAST time that was going to be done to me.. the fighting, name calling etc continued until 6 am... (during this time I stood frozen.. staring at the same white dot on a black checkered square in my kitchen)

He fell asleep.. I quietly got my kids up, dressed and snuck out the house.....

Now I am staying somewhere until he is gone........

Last night was it... It is over.. No more

God, dee. *hug* I'm so sorry.

omg Dee. stay safe.

Like others all i can muster is OMG!

Dee - ***hugs*** - I'm so sorry it has all come to this. I am glad you got yourself and the kids out safely. I wish you all the very best in what's to come and I hope that your life can regain some normalcy soon. Stay strong, stay safe - we're here for you.

i cant believe this is my life.......

Stay safe, dee. You are a great mom for protecting your boys!!!



And, don't forget that Melinda posted that she has experience and education in dealing with situations similar to yours. She may be able to offer guidance.

God bless you and your babies.

take care, Dee.

I'm so sorry about this, Dee.

I'm sorry this happened to you but on the flip side I'm glad to see your strength shining through and doing what is right for your kids.

to add more salt to the wound... I just read this from my "friend" on myspace... the one that introduced us.. Yesterday I deleted her profile from my page after I found out she was showing my private page to my husband - trying to start sh*t.. She left this for me today......

"it is just kinda shocked for me coz i wasnot imagine how stupied i am to think that there is a tru friends this days but that is okey we live and learn and i will not give any one another chance if somebody hurt me that will be the end .

i hope u a happy life and if u want my real advice try to be a good wife and thx Allah for what he gave u and try to change ur way coz ALLAH testing us every day and he give us to see if we..ll thx him by beeing good with what he gave .

Mohamed is not this bad he is a good muslem man and in the past i thought that is all what u need but ALLAH is the one who knows what is in the people..s heart and it seems to me now that u wasnot looking for a good muslem as much as u was looking for temporary pain killer for ur life ,i am telling u as sister in Islam if u lost mohamed u..ll never ever find another good guy to take care or handle u or ur kids ALLAH knows what in my heart and inshallah he..ll rewared me.and stop listen to ur friends coz they will destroy ur life ,if u..ll not make some effort to be good wife to ur husband and treat him good and instadd of worry about the halal meat u should worry about ur praying.

Plz DEE do not contact me any more i donot wanna hear any thing about u i believe ***** now when he told me one time that "There is No freinds any more"

She wants a reward huh? Some people are so dillusional.

I've seen more than my share of crazy muslim converts who are at best an embarrasment. This "friend" ...i'vve met many like her....shame on her. Dee- everything is going to feel so personal and so raw for a while.... No one knows what happens berween a husband and wife enough to understand completely why things happen, and no one can throw judgment around. Surround yourself with people who car supportive and comforting, not those who want to get in your business.

Dee, that woman is not your friend. She is blaming you? If a good muslim man is the kind your husband is, your friend can have him.

And by the way, why was your MARRIED HUSBAND talking to a woman friend? What kind of good muslim is that? And what kind of muslim is she that she accepts that kind of mixed-gender friendship with the husband of her friend? The two of them are demented and deserve each other.

well shes a "born" muslim from Egypt... she has known him for years... I've known her for 3/4 years I just I am shock that one of my "gurls" had took the mans side to an abusive thing........

this sucks

Indeed!!

I'm glad you had the strength and presence of mind to get out while the getting was good, and to protect your kids. And you still found the time to keep us informed about you. Wow, What a wild ride you have had. I am so sorry that this has turned out so badly for you. I wish you the best and happier future ahead.

PS: You are going to cancel AOS aren't you?? I would imagine it's not the priority, but I sure hope he's not getting a green card out of this.

Dee,

I am glad you made a decision for yourself and your boys this morning. Sometimes I think the "trying" to make a decision is worse than actually dealing with the situation afterwards.

I wonder sometimes why people revel in making others lives bad. I truly cannot believe this so-called-friend was behaving as she did. She is the one who has to answer to Allah.

Twila

Dee, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know that things have been really tough for you for a while, but I think you'll eventually find peace and happiness once this is behind you.

I know everything is raw, but if you're absolutely sure that everything is over, I'd check into getting AOS canceled as quickly as possible. There may be a chance that you can withdraw your affidavit of support so that he doesn't have financial recourse against you if he does decide he wants to try to stay here.

I'm so sorry to hear how things have turned out, but I wish you all the best, and love and happiness in the future.

well now I am sitting in my families house... not sure what to do with myself... I left in my pajama's.. thats all i have with me..

And I went to the bank and cancelled the checks for AOS/ EAD... I'll give him the $ back OR apply it to a airplane ticket..

I'll worry about actually contacting them in a few days.......

Good for you. But you know what? You need to kick HIM out and go back to your home. Its your place not his and you have the kids. Maybe your so called friend that led to the demise of your relationship should take him in. She didn't seem to have a problem getting involved to this point. Don't worry about where he is gonna go either, let him cope and deal with it.

still shameful
yes it sucks