nope... I see what you mean. And I agree. I have alot of feelings that told me NOT to do it.. BUT in the end.. I'm still not 100% why.. BUT i gave him one more shot... the LAST..
I guess I have that voice in the back of my head... "You didnt marry him for nothing.. Maybe the light bulb FINALLY went off... Bla Bla Bla.. " At this point he has NO excuses.. he didnt understand.. no language issue.. not understanding the culture.. His A$$ was offically pushed out the nest and he got on the Buses, T's and cabs.. Spoke to the Egyptian Imam... Spoke to strangers for help.. everything he refused to do before

but what gets me.. is that he waited until our marrige COMPLETELY fell apart in order to get is butt in gear

and this has left me resentful...

who knows what will happen.. I DO wish the best for us.. but also the best for us may not mean we are together


(and no way could I accept financial help from people... I dont deserve it..)

Dee, does he know you cancelled the AOS checks? That might be a good way to test the waters, tell him you don't plan of reapplying for some time.

Everyone deserves help when they need it. Just remember the offer is on the table.

nope I didnt tell him that... and I feel for the moment that wouldnt be the best idea

that def. would be a trigger..

I know half his problem is NOT working.. and if he knew I fudged that up.. he would not be a happy camper.

PLus I dont even know if that means his papers are actually cancelled.. or if I'm just gonna get a notice my checks "bounced"??

It saddens me that you have to walk on eggshells around your own husband. He should be the one on eggshells now after all he's put you through.

they should simply return your entire package to you.

Dee,

I think it is wonderful, nobel, Islamic etc..to want to make this marriage work before going the route of divorce, BUT and this is the important part... an apology, giving him a week..its not goign to change things.

The only thing that is going to change anything is lots of hard work, lots of counseling, he alone, you alone, the two of you together. .... and even with all this hard work most marriages are nto going to survive.

Like others have said, it sounds as if you are conflicted between your feelings for him, your hopes for a happy marriage and being pissed off that you were cornered into giving it one more chance.

It's good to surround yourself with support and a community of people who are looking out for your safety. Are you sure these "freinds" can do this for you? How about your family?

Deema - First let me say that I'm SO SORRY about all of this. I'm late in the game on offering support as I am just now reading all of this today. My heartfelt thoughts are with you and your children.

I agree with JP, Sara, MK and Peezy. Things may get better for a week or a month, but the odds that he will go back to his old ways are pretty high. First and foremost is the safety of you and your children. I have spent many years as a public speaker for a non-profit for the city's Rape Crisis and Domestic Violence Services. It is my experience and training that the abuse will progressively get worse. Unless he agrees to agressive therapy and IMO, you would need to live apart from him for a length of time during his therapy. And even then....

If you have fear in your heart or a "bad feeling" about it...TRUST THAT! I honestly believe that God gave us those feelings for a reason. If your heart tells you to get out...then you do just that.

My heart truly aches for you and being a mother and having your children involved as well...I swear I wish that I could do something right this moment to help you. Through your posts, you have shown that you really are a strong woman and a SURVIVOR! Don't dare forget that!

So many of us here support you and lift you up. I hope that when you don't have those strong moments, our thoughts will lift you up and carry you to the next strong moment.

well honestly these were MY FRIENDS... they had never met him before!!!!!!!! and I guess they did it for me?? for Hasana (blessings) ?? they didnt want what i worked so hard for.. for the past year to end within a month..

BUT i also yelled at them.. IF they were TRUELY my friends.. they would NOT encourage me to stay with someone abusive!!!!!!

my other "friend" who introduced us lives far away... and believe me.. it's done between us after that email I got from her

HI Dee! I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you I also motion for feeling uneasy about this last chance.. please keep your cell with you and if possible, consider having someone else stay with you as well... like your aunt?

If you are giving him a week to prove to you that he is a better person then this is the perfect test. You didn't fudge anyting up, and you have to believe that. I think it would be a good idea to tell him and to also let him know you are not going to refile until you are completely sure that things are good between you two.

yikes

Dee, I really wish you all the best and that the fire under his azz stays lit! Glad to see there's at least a glimmer of hope....

You continue to amaze me Dee. IF he did go do all that he/they said he did, then SOMEONE is trying to make an attempt to fix what was broken. I'm not sure that 1 week is long enough to prove to you that he's trying to change as it is not too hard to "be good" for a week. BUT I think for yourself, if you didn't give him this ONE LAST CHANCE, you would always ask yourself "what if" and you would be absolutely miserable. I agree with the others that if he so much as raises his voice to you in an abusive way WHATSOEVER, then get the heck out and don't look back. I think that you are doing the right thing by showing him that you were dead serious and he is on a thin rope for a while.

I also say that in this week, it might be a good plan to set the rules and let him know where you stand. Don't back away from him. Stand strong and sure about what you want out of a husband and out of ur lives together. If he can't handle that, too darn bad. (now that was just my opinion and I'm in NO WAY trying to tell u to do this) I know advice is so much easier given than applied. Just stay strong, I guess, is what I'm trying to say...and don't let him see you in a weak state.

amal

This line really caught my eye. I am hoping the Iman was having a language roblem, but something tells me he means exactly what i read it to mean....

Is the Imam trying to say that this is American and you can't behve like you would in Egypt??? Is he trying to suggest in Egypt it is okay? Since when does proper Islamic behavior between a husband and wife change based on culture?

Dee, I just want to bring up the "trigger" comment you made. In healthy relationship, there are no triggers, there aren't things a wife would be afraid to tell her husband for fear of physical (or any) retribution.

this is true, but for now, seems like a smart self-preserving attitude

EXTREMELY good point. In my experience, triggers continue to escalate.

Just be safe, Dee. So many of us are so very worried about you.

Ok Dee now PM each of us your cell number so we can check up on you. You know we all WANT to. I hope today is a good day for you and things are slowly improving. And why do you feel you don't deserve financial help? You certainly don't deserve to be treated the way you are/were!! There is no shame in accepting help when you truly need it. And in the future, you can pay it forward to someone else.

Stay safe and carefully proceed slowly, promises are made to be broken alot of times, in the end it will be the actions shown that will give you the answers. A man worth crying over, will never make you.....

well said

Dee, I agree with Amal. A week wouldn't do anything. I use to be engaged a while ago to a man who would be nice for a week and a disaster for another/abusive/etc. This will take a long time. And if he is abusive, this might not change. He might park it for a while, but it will come back. Hope he is getting into anger management and maybe be evaluated for bi-polar.

I just want to let you know I am thinking of you. I hope that all things work out for you and I encourage you to do what is right for you in your heart regardless of what "friends" or family think you should do. The reality is that your husband is going to need to put the effort into change and it is hard work that only he can do.

I also wanted to comment on you saying you don't deserve financial help...from what I have seen of you in the time that I have been on VJ, is that you are a strong supportive person. Your comments have been supportive in nature and you appear to be a genuine person...I think you deserve any support you are comfortable receiving here...IMHO

just wanted to comment IMO and in my history of working with domestic violence issues they DO NOT recommend anger managment, there are Batterer intervention programs all over the state that are recommended for addressing abusive behaviors, it is an intensive program typically 28 week or up to one year program with focus on addressing the behaviors what is at the root, accepting full responsibility for behavior, personal triggers, coping skills, learning about DV the cycle, etc etc...anywho that is my soap box..sorry DV is close to my heart...so so many many ppl affected by it...

I think this is a very important post. Domestic violence is a very unique situation. We should all be better educated about the signs, how to support someone in this situation (both make and female- abuser and the abused). Someone in this situation need specialized help. It's a difficult process. Thanks and please educate us more!

Half of is problem NOT that he is not working. Nearly everyone endures a period of unemployment when they adjust on a marriage-based visa; not everyone takes it out on their spouse or worries beyond that their spouse will be bored and lonely. The problem is that he thinks it's appropriate to abuse his wife because he can't instantly whip up the American Dream.

dee, your friends may be well-intentioned but they're treating this as though it's an after school special where all that has to happen is everyone has a teary moment, the lighting goes soft, there's a montage and end credits. Abuse isn't going to be fixed by a week of good behavior any more than drug addiction can be cured by friends talking to someone seriously. And it's not like it's unheard of for an abuser to be nice one week and violent the next; that's why it's so hard for women to leave. That's the cycle: love you, you're wonderful, it was just that I couldn't get a job and that I was frustrated, don't you see why you make me so angry? Blah blah screw that.

If he's serious about changing, get him to one of those counseling programs.

Do not blame yourself. This is his failing, not yours. And there is no shame in deciding after this week (mostly a peace offering to your family & friends to convince them that you tried) that enough is enough.

he still doesnt think he did any wrong.... STILL
i talked to him on the phone on the way home from work... He's just saying Sorry... but still not getting that he did something wrong.... He walks around with a puss on.. acting like a beat dog...

i'm really frustrated

sigh........i'm really sorry to hear you're going thru all of this dee. i'll refrain from saying more.

Unfortunately much of his behavior is perfectly acceptable in Egypt so of course he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Sorry doesn't mean squat if it's not said with sincerity. Tell him to save his sorrys. You have much more patience than I, Dee. Between the abusive behaviors and now the pouting...he'd be out on his azz in a hot minute.

and with a shoeprint on his behind too. i'm there with you

he needs one of these!!!

this woe-is-me-attitude is REALLY upsetting me. It is making me even more short in patience. And he gets to "prove his point" about my attitude problem.. cause technically he isnt "doing anything"

If you are going to give someone a 'second chance' it has to be just that. Another chance. If it's done with half a heart then there is no point.

I realize there's a lot of water under this bridge, but it just seems like the drowning is protracted, rather than swift and painless.

Agreed 100%

I'm not yelling at you, just at the situation. HE DOESN'T HAVE A POINT. Just because he SAYS you have an attitude problem doesn't make it so.

There's no such thing as "technically not doing anything wrong." He is MANIPULATING you, this is emotional abuse. He is playing the victim and he's not a victim.

Honestly he needs to go. If those egyptians at the BBQ love him so much, tell them to set up their guest room for him so you can move on with your life.

Dee... is this what you really want for yourself and your children ?

I know you hold on to the hope that he will suddenly have a change of heart and be the man you dreamed of. You loved him enough to travel to a foreign country to marry him, and you made great sacrifices to bring him here. I know it's sometimes difficult for a person to throw in the towel after so much effort and so many dreams of a happy future -- you keep hoping that the situation will turn around and the enormous emotional investment (not to mention the financial investment) will somehow pay off.

But generally these types of changes in attitude take months or even years to develop, especially for a man who has allowed himself to cross the line into emotional and even physical abuse. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the chance that 1 week will be all he needs to straighten up his act is virtually non-existent.

His current behavior looks like more emotional abuse -- he is punishing you instead of admitting the problem is of his own making. Let this be a big warning sign to you that he is NOT changing at all, only going through the motions of saying words without meaning, in order to get what he wants -- back into your home, where his behavior will surely get worse.

Please heed the excellent advice you are getting here -- we all are on your side. Call your local women's crisis center and ask for counseling. You need it to help you deal with this situation in a way that will ensure your safety and that of your children. Your situation is potentially very dangerous. Abuser/abusee relationships often follow a distinct pattern, and you need to be aware of the behaviors that fit this pattern.

It can be heart-breaking to disengage from a harmful relationship, but better that your heart be broken than your bones, or your children's bones, or even worse. If he does not recognize his problem and actively attempt to change his ways (which MUST involve receiving ongoing professional help to make that change) -- then do not give him the opportunity to hurt you again, because as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, he WILL hurt you again.

Be safe.



-MK

for whatever it's worth (probably not much) I'd, personally, prefer to end everyone's pain sooner rather than later and get his pouting azz outta there - this can't be good for you or your kids.
I *do* understand you wanting to give this a final chance - but I also know from staying in a miserable relationship far too long previously, making the final decision is the most agonizing part... once the decision is made and the break is made, a huge weight is lifted and life can go on in a better direction.
Just my 2 cents.... I do, however, support whatever your decision may be. I just hope you end up being happy and well treated.
Good luck getting through this week (and then some).

I do not know you, Deemabrouk, but I am concerned for you and the children. Your husband's behaviour will not improve.... it will only escalate. Please ensure you have access to a phone at all times and call 911 immediately when you see signs of his anger/annoyance progressing. If necessary, be prepared to get out of the house as soon as possible, and call the police. I cannot emphasize this enough. Follow your gut instincts and do not listen to "advice" from those who tell you to give him another chance, or who minimize or make allowances for his behaviour. Do not allow him to convince you he will change. He will not. But you, and your children, will. Don't let him take that from you.

My prayers are with you.

K

you guys are ALL RIGHT... I feel torn cause he doesnt want to leave.. and I dont want to ruin his life by calling the police.. Now that he has a second chance he should be putting his BEST FOOT Forward.. and he's not..

This 100% SUCKS....

the bandaid is getting ripped off at a snails pace

There are somethings that you just are not responsible for and he is.

I don't understand why you're molly coddling him at this point. Who cares what HE wants now. He chose his path the moment he started being abusive. He didn't come from under a rock, he knows that abusers can be arrested and sent to jail in the US. He knows that the cops could be called on him and he still chose to lay his hands on you. I'm sure he knows your past of being in an abusive relationship. The fact that he's now doing it to you shows his true colors. He's abusive and manipulative. Look at how he's manipulating you into believing that you're the bad guy and that you'll be ruining his life if he goes to jail or gets sent back to Egypt. This is not behavior that can be changed by a simple "intervention". You're right, this 100% sucks.

This is the 'I'm not touching you I'm not touching you' school of passive aggressiveness. Arg. I'm so sorry, dee.

I really hope that if anyone here has a spouse who hasn't come over yet and that they KNOW are potentially abusive thinks long and hard before bringing them over here. I hope that Dee's experience can be learned from. I don't think a lot of people really know the signs of abuse. Might be a good thread for someone to start who knows what they're talking about. I have no experience in this particular kind of abuse but it looks like some on here could help other people before they get into this same predicament.

Some of the excuses we often hear in these situations:

"But I invested so much time."

Ok, so you did. But guess what? There are good investments and there are bad investments. Sometimes you make a bad investment and you need to cut your losses. You don't continue to pour in resources, energy, your life into a bad investment.

"I gave him one more chance to get it right."

Really? Because one more chance never ever seems to be the last chance. Dee, your husband is already on his 2nd Last Chance. And, remember, you didn't 100% choose this Last Chance for him. And, it appears you were coerced into this 2nd Last Chance anyway, doesn't seem like it's your choice. So, is there ever an end to One Last Chance?

Of course he doesn't want to leave!

If he does though just know that it's not your fault, it's a result of his actions towards you and you have a family to protect.

I agree with everyone that he needs to leave. I really hope for your sake that you can find the strength to end it.

Good luck.

Ah, but KNOWING before you bring him here is the tough thing to pinpoint. How many guys (any nationality) wine and dine their girlfriends until they get married and then the party's over?

Dee, cutting ties and getting him out and getting your life back together will be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do but it can be done and I know you're strong enough to do it. Don't start making excuses now because the more you do it, the more control over you he'll get. The longer you wait, the harder it will be...when I was in a similar situation and got out of it, my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner.

Please take care of yourself, you're stronger than you think.

deemabrouk,

I admire your strength and tenacity, you are a shining example for many of your peers here at VJ. How have you explained this to your children? How are they handling this at the moment? I'm sorry that you've had to experience this level of pain.

It can be difficult for sure- but there are some things we can do to protect ourselves.

Work on our self esteem so that it does nto take a sweet talking man to make us feel worth
Build IRL relationships so that loneliness does not become overpowering
Take your time in moving forward in the relationship- why do engagements an marriages happen so quickly areond here?
now your own self well- what do you want in a partner? What vasliues will you not compromise on?
Spend time with your MENA SO in his setting, his freinds, his family as much as possible. I know its hard to travel- americans do nto have a lot of vacation time and it is expensive....but isnt takin gyoru time better than riskin gthe mistake?

I've said it before. I'm saying it again. marriage is a contract between two people. Love is nice, but its not enough.

Knowing the person and his culture well, without blinders. And don't let immigration become the reason you rush into a serious commitment.

I admire you ladies, because I personally would not be able to date someone from so different a culture with any kind of language barrier because I would be constantly worried that I was setting myself up for a surprise. C. and I met in 2003, with no cultural differences to speak of, and it took me a long time to be sure, even with us spending about three months a year together.