I have not followed your story much, but as I said the last few posts I am truly sorry you are going throu this Dee. No women deserves this. Esp when children are in involved.

I, personally would attend the AOS (if you filed already) and tell them the whole story. Saving him from ever filing again or tricking them into thinking YOU abused him.

What Gladitor said is total nonsense. your husband clearly crossed the line. Abuse is not an Islamic tradition. In fact, Islam does not condone abuse to women and children. It is forbidden. But unfortunately there will always be men out there "picking and choosing" a host of Quranic verses and Prophetic sayings to suit their chauvinistic madness. MENA husbands still (sometimes) they are still in MENA and try exercises complete and rigid authority over his wife and family. Women are not expected to unconditionally obey their husbands. The voices of women are not "awrah" viz, prohibited to be heard. They do not have to be fatalistically patient with physical and psychological abuse. And something little off topic, but still I find totally funny nafaqa (or material support) is nowadays a favour delivered by the husbands and not considered a duty at all.

Many men cannot adjust, since life in the US is so different then life in their own home country. They do not get their way and after a time abuse can occur. The Qur'an exhorts the husband to treat his wife kindly and not overlook her POSITIVE ASPECTS. And all agruements should be dealt within 3 hours. But obviously the situation is way beyond.

In the light of these God-given rights of a woman, one isto unconditionally separate from an abusive husband – whether the abuse is physical or psychological (and note how rarely "modern" people mention psychological abuse). In your case the services of a third party – a "thiqa" or trustworthy person should be enlisted to monitor the behaviour of your husband. Have you talked to an imam? Has he tried to speak with your husband or have another brother speak with him? As I am not sure what the current living arrangement is ... but him living there just angry is not healthy for anyone. The final decision with regard to reconciliation however remains with the wife. Even thou, personally if he hits then there should be none.

Ironically ( and little off topic, but) the role of men as husbands were seenwith far greater clarity in the time of the Pr. Mohammed (saw) then now.Their roles as leaders of the family were seen in the light of an agent holding an "office". The role of the agent would be deemed incommensurate with the demands of the "office" if he failed to fulfill its duties, responsibilities, and conditions


I would also expose him to all the masjid, if he attends and his family. Surely they will *not* side with you... buuuut at least they will hear the "other" side instead labeling you a putan or judging you without hearing your side.

You are very brave, patient and strong sister. If it were me, the least he would be out in the street with nothing but his drawers and some shoes. I would not even put it past myself to do a Lorena on him! I truly from my heart pray for you sister.

Dee you are making the right decision there is no way that this situation is good for you to be in or your children. I have kids to and if i were in your situation i would do the same thing. I will keep you in my prayers and just know that god will help you to get through this you deserve much better than this and in the end you will be blessed with much better. Take Care of yourself, and your kids





AJ1

I miss u on here and yahoo Dee... I hope you are being safe and taking care... Im praying for you. -Tam

I could NOT believe your posts........this is just TOO MUCH...........you have been SOOOO patient and you had good intentions of trying to work things out but it is OBVIOUS that he didn't want to be cooperative......for whatever reason.......

And that "friend".........OMG........that is just TOO evil........

I am hoping that you & the little ones are safe and that you can begin to heal & get your home back into being the peaceful sanctuary that you'd like it to be.

Hugs

I'm very sorry it worked out this way.
You are handling this so well, and I admire you for it. Please stay safe and check in when you can.

Has any one heard from Dee or taked to her? Is she ok? How is she doing? =0(

she's not online away from work (unless she can check in from a family computer). hopefully someone will hear something before monday - if not, i'm sure we'll hear on monday. i know doodle keeps in contact w/ her offline.

I do hope we hear something soon. I'm so worried about her and the kids. Wherever they are, I hope they're safe and able to relax a bit.

She hasn't returned my text messages so I'm hoping she is just busy with the kids wherever she is.

oh no im a bit worried now. I hope shes ok.

oh no im a bit worried now. I hope shes ok.

wow, dee, i can't believe it! i hope you check in soon and are doing okay! i agree with all the advice given ...*hug*

me too.

I keep checkin' and no dee news yet. I just hope they're ok.

She's ok for now. CAlled me about an hour or so ago. She's staying with the kids with family. Keep her in your prayers though. She needs to stay strong.

Thanks for letting everyone know doodle! Maybe instead of worrying we can send some major MENA Mojo so she can be strong. Where is WOM with the appropriate pic?????

Glad things are ok for now. My prayers are still going out for you Dee

please tell her the next time you talk to her that we're all thinking of her and we miss her here in mena

Glad to hear she is okayand with her family

Thanks for the update. I feel a bit of relief knowing that. Let her know that we are here for her.

thanks d-2-da-oodle for the update. you're awesome!
the caring shown in this forum is just fantastic. I have heard ppl say that its just a forum and it means nothing to them but a place for information but the love shown here for our friend dee proves that we do have friendships here and that they do mean more than just a computer screen for a lot of us.
Dee, we love ya!

Yup. One big happy dysfunctional family.


Dee's still doing good but can't get online much since she's not at her own place. Keep those prayers coming and she's very appreciative of everyone's concern and love.

doodle, next time you talk to dee, please tell her I am thinking of her.

Jackie

maybe we should all go to family counseling together

Dee I am glad that you are as strong as you are and Thank you so very much for being a vocal and strong lady. Your a wonderful mother and lady and did everything in your power as a great wife. My prayers are with you and all of your family at this time and always. My God be with you now and always, keep your trust in Him and He will bring you through this and anything that may come up in life.

God I beg of you to give Dee the strength, courage, faith and support that she needs in this trying time in her life, give her and abundance of comfort and security. Thank you God for all you do. Amen

With mcuh love,
Angie

Dee,

I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. Seeing that you and the children are safe is a big relief. Please, do whatever you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe. I read through all 12 pages of this topic, and it was unfathomable. I would not treat my dog as poorly as he has treated you, much less treat another human being. Whatever you do, do not feel guilty about what you have to do for your own safety. Just do it. You and your kids safety should be the number one priority. You will be in my prayers.

Sue

i was thinking springer

Dee! I'm really glad you're safe, hope you get your house back soon! Want some help?

BTW 4 people who misunderstood me: I work 7 days a week and not at the desk, so I read what I can when I can. If I missed a word and said something just trying to help - I didn't mean anything bad! I'm not rooting for abusive men PERIOD!

Anyway, Dee. There's such places as Legal Aid and Women's Place everywhere. If you have bruises - take pictures and save them for hearing for restraining order or something like that. That's very helpful.

Take care!

I am at a loss for words, I hope dee is ok.

As time goes on, I am afraid we will see more of this. I am encouraged by the warmth and ability of this group to support each other.

Jackie

The police at this point are as much for his protection as hers; they can be an impartial witness and can ensure that neither side escalates anything.

Dee I hope you are ok and can ignore this nonsense on here. I came to see how you are doing and prayer you are holding up as well as possible.

God Speed things will get resolved quickly.

Angie

Good God I gotta pull out the big guns don't I.

Dee, I hope you're doing well today, and that you're starting to see some direction unfold in where things are going for you. We're all rooting for you!

ok guys - the other topic brewing in this one has been split to try to revive the support for Dee in a contructive way .

well I do NOT mean to have a soap opera thread "called "The Road to Divorce", starring Deemabrouk and her husband".. I am not trying to dramatize my reality.. BUt to only make OTHERS see it is NOT peaches and cream.... Like I stated before - After I post my situation i got a HANDFUL of woman confiding that they are dealing with this too OR they fear this is their future... PLUS this site is the ONLY place where I have some sort of understanding of a long distance/ oversea's / visa journey.. No one else in my life seems to understand this... And out of all of this I seem to be gettin the "I told you so!" mentality from my friends and family cause I married a arab/ long distance guy.. VJ is my only outet for that.

Over the weekend my "saga" has taken another turn too... This is competely nuts..

Saturday my Muslim/ arab friends decided to do an "intervention" with me - Which completely pissed me off.. I dont think our friendship will be the same.

I while back they decided to have a bar-b-q for Mohamed - have all the wifes/ husbands get together.. Well the poop hit the fan.. I left (like you guys know)

I called my friend Sat. morning to let her know we were NOT coming.. to Only be told she had already spoke to him.. and had talked to him for 2/3 HOURS!!!!!! And from what she gathered.. I was the one at fault!!!! I freaked out.. Told her MY side.. then she started singing a different tune.. In the end she Still told me to come by with the kids.. her kids were waiting for us.. the food ETC... I ONLY AGREED IF HE WAS NOT GOING TO BE THERE

i get there and realise something is UP.. the looks on their face... I knew something was gonna happen... my friend said she had to pick up her husband at the T station and would be back and I stated again IF HE IS COMING HERE I AM LEAVING... THIS IS NOT A JOKE.... she AGAIN reassured me she was getting her husband.. and at this point my kids had ran off to be with the other kids..

this was a LIE!!!! I was in the house.. still wary.. and I hear his voice coming into the house!!!!!! I was SOOOOOOOO angry.. i was screaming for my kids.. demanding to Leave.. I FREAKED OUT!!!!!!!!

they told me they are convinced he "gets it" now... They talked to him and told him all the crap he was doing was WRONG.. Apparently he left the house on Friday and found his way to the Cambridge Mosque which had the Egyptian Imam... (i set up a time a week or so ago for him to talk to him... but he refused to meet him.. he sat in the car) I guess mohamed thought I was going to be at Jumma?? But anyways... I guess he even sat down with the Imam after the "sermon" for a hour or so... Also getting "schooled" that his behavior was Completely Inappropriate!!! and this stuff in America with a American Muslim wife just doesnt fly!!!!!

So at this point my "Friends" wanted to give him a opportunity to apologise.. Kiss my feet even They BEGGED me to give him ONE MORE WEEK.. I explained he had his "one week" after the talk with the First Imam.. but they said this is different cause he then got school by the woman in Arabic... and then the Egyptian Imam..

I swear I freaked out and cried.. for a hour cornered in one of the bedrooms.. I kept on telling him.. he needs to go home.. its not working... He needs a Egyptian wife.. and NOT someone like me!!!!!!!!!! I told him to After "all those woman he passed up to marry me!"

My friends and him continued to beg me for ONE MORE week trial.. and that then.. if ANYTHING happened.. One argument.. One bad word.. One threat.. ANYTHING.. he WILL go back home

After several hours of this.. I agreed that he could have ONE more week.. BUT he had to APOLOGISE and convince my family too.. over this behavior.. and eveything he did CAUSE now my family knows and are involved!!!!

AND IF he can convice my family.. apologise to them and etc.. and THEY too agree.. He gets ONE LAST CHANCE!!!!!!!

dee - that sounds like duress to me.

Oh, Dee. I feel like you were forced into this. I wish you had more local support. These people do not sound like your friends.

they all got in their car and followed me to my aunts house (mom would of stabbed him.. plus she is away)

SO Mohamed apologised to Her over what had happened... and my friends too tried to convice her and me again to give him one last chance... then they PERSONALLY would escort him out the house and drive him to the airport..


IN the end my Aunt accepted the apology.. and the terms to the next week. We all were there until 10 pm talking about this..

He left without me.. I returned home yesterday after noon...... Under STRICT terms

i still dont know how i feel about this.... i dont have a positive outlook

but given what had happened...... and especially my families approval.....

i dont know..... who knows

well she has me but I'm really no use other than a phonecall since he's bigger than me.

In any event, I felt the same way as you all feel when I heard this BUT if her aunt, who's just as feisty as her , agreed to let her give him one more week then I think maybe we should all just wait and see. I know she's a very strong woman and I know she'll be out the door in two seconds if he so much as raises his voice to her again.

Stay strong Dee!

perhaps it's time to get the VJ MENA Boston ladies together......

Well Dee I know you will eventually do what is best for you and your kids. I will pray that you remain safe and keep your courage and strength up. Some of these "friends" you have, well, I just don't know about them,but I know you are trying to do the best you can.

it's hard.. cause at this point I think I'm done.... but I DO love him... I DID marry him with the intentions of Forever... BUT i will NOT live my life like this.. His apology to my aunt did mean alot to me... Especially most "abuser's" would never "go there".. It will be interesting to see when my mom comes around.. Cause he owes her a apology/ promise to her too.... And she will rip him a "new one"

I dont know...

slightly...

Divorce IS made Halal in Islam.. Of course no one really wants it.. BUT you cant cast stones on something that is made Halal... !!!!!!! and for the sake of Allah swt.. no one is suppose to live in a abusive life !

Wish you all the best, Dee, take care of yourself and the kids.

Wow Dee, I'm so sorry. It sounds like his and your "friends" just don't want to see him go back to Egypt. I know you will do the right thing for yourself and your kids.

Dee, I hope that things work out if that is what you want, I just eery about this whole issue because it feels like your friends pushed you into accepting him back. In the end you should do what your heart tells you and thats it. Also make sure that if your going to take him back there will be no more communication with that so called "friend" of yours that was filling his head with mumbo jumbo. I do hope that he is sincere about his appology and willingness to change. Stay strong Dee.

Stay safe, Dee

I'd be a little leary of these friends if I were you. Seems they're looking out for your husband's best interest more than yours or your childrens'.

I hope things work out for the best for you and your boys.

Wow. Dee I really want to be supportive of you so please don't take this the wrong way. What happens after one week? So he is on his best behaivior for one week because his friends convinced him that you are gonna kick his butt back to Egypt? Then what? What can he possibly prove in that short period of time?

I've been in an abusive relationship and abusive men don't change, at least not without years of therapy. It makes me sick to my stomach that those so called "friends" would convince you to go back into a home with someone who has been abusive to you. From reading your posts you don't even seem to be on board with the idea or that you even want to be there. Love is one thing and you can love him and you probebly always will, but if he is hurting you, emotionally, mentally, physically, that is not love. I know everyone here is trying to support your decision, but I am going to support your original decision to leave because honestly I am worried for you and your children.

JP

I agree completely with you. Things are probably not going to change, and his friends just don't want him to leave the US. They seem to have some pretty selfish intentions.

I agree. I would stay far from these people.

I want to say, personally, I don't agree with the decision to go back home with him. I really think Dee was manipulated into this choice---not because she is easily manipulated but because she had a hoard of "friends" on her back. My support lies in my open ear and willingness to help how I can, as I PMed and have passed the message on to others, if you need financial help to get his plane ticket or help with any salary loss, I, and many others, want to give that help.

Dee, I agree with JP on this one. I hope you don't feel like you MUST do this. I also think, no matter how feisty your aunt is, there is really only so much you can do when a bunch of strangers show up at your house and insist they've changed a man. I think she was put in a really hard situation, and probably would be damned any way she chose to answer the group. However, now that the dust has settled and you are going over your feelings, please be true to yourself and your kids.

And I hope you understand that my disagreement isn't meant as a judgment or a snipe at you, it's just what I see from the outside looking at this, and I don't see any positivity in it.