QUOTE(a-jeanne @ Jan 29 2008, 03:33 PM)
Yeah Tbone. I hope that all went well....
Well... we had The Talk. Your comments are welcomed, but please avoid quoting the whole thing below, si man, out of courtesy for bandwidth and fellow posters. If my evaluation of the situation is full of crap, please feel free to say same.
I was dimly aware before -- and, now, there's no doubt -- that I should have visited her earlier and more often. Because of the type of person she is (active, involved, hands-on), she could not sustain her feelings through just phone and e-mail, and now she has lost her enthusiasm for this kind of relationship, and, by extension, for the idea of marrying me. Her burning desire was never simply to come to the U.S. (She had indicated her dissatisfaction with the remote arrangement in the past, but I merely heard it and failed to LISTEN -- and, more important, to act.)
Her intent is to spend some time (a couple of years, she started off saying, but maybe less) finishing school and continuing with her business (which is doing well and is just what she needed). Had I visited more often, and had the infernal USCIS taken the more usual 4+ months instead of 6+, we'd have been doing well. She does not want to follow through on anything that would risk a short-term marriage being ended by divorce, meaning her arriving in the U.S. with doubts about being ready for a life here.
As usual, our conversation was mutually very respectful; her overriding concern was not to hurt me. She was very surprised, perhaps borderline-astonished, that I was not mad at all; I told her sincerely that my reaction was precisely because I DO love her enough to want what will be best for her, whether it includes me or not. Without prompting, she also admitted that she might, in the future, determine that she had made a terrible mistake by passing me up.
The door is slightly open, because (after I raised several variables about how to give her more time -- not a couple of years, but a number of months, all of which she was surprised to learn about) she volunteered that her feelings or her mind may change. In the meantime, however, we are officially on hiatus at best; we agreed to live our respective lives without expectation (pressure, as things stand) of daily contact, and see how we feel after time. I told her, and she agreed, that when the consulate ultimately sets an interview date, I would tell her of it, and she would be free to appear there or to tell me that it won't happen. (I didn't think to tell her that it is apparently possible to reschedule such appointments, for valid reason, almost indefinitely in 4-month increments. I must investigate this. However, maybe it is better simply to inform her of the consulate appointment when it is scheduled, and, if she wishes to attend it, to remind her that she would then have 6 months to act on the visa. She had assumed that action was required in 3 months.)
After our talk, and after telling her to be alert for stuff from me, I prepared what turned out to be a very thick DHL package with all of the things (cards, trinkets, clippings) that I had been saving for her. If things ultimately don't work out, I'll find a way to send her the remaining larger things that I retain. She didn't want me to go to the expense of a DHL, but I reminded her that the last regular mail (with fotos and a romantic card) didn't reach her, so she understood and appreciated this.
What has not changed: She remains exactly the classy human being that I perceived all along, and (when we WANT) we can communicate and agree/compromise better than perhaps 99.44% of all other couples. It would be beyond a crying shame to lose that, especially if her needs and concerns can be dealt with so that they can be met with me also in the picture. But, I'll wait awhile before suggesting anything, and I will emphasize that I will not need any answers immediately or even at all.
It remains to be seen whether her mind and feelings will change. Meanwhile, I will let her proceed with her business; I will let other thoughts and activities seep into what is probably the actual or pending raw chasm of my heart; and I will (at her suggestion earlier in the conversation) not automatically turn down social opportunities from female-type-women-of-the-opposite-sex (a triple redundancy?) if one of same is interested in me. (However, I don't plan to actively seek these.) And, I know that C. does NOT have anyone else, at her side or in mind.
Last night and today, I was and am feeling a combination of fairly clear acceptance and some numbness (or pre-assimilation of all factors and implications). However, my stomach is one of the biggest wrecks that it's been in recent memory -- quite a dichotomy between head and gut that I can't quite figure out. The only "wet eyes" have come when I consider what a sweetheart of a person she is.
I would NEVER let her stand in the rain.
)
and we want a nice wedding day 
BACK LOLL
Besides, it would be alcohol abuse just to toss it!
I can't stand it - it's a competition to decide who can lie the best!!!
(Although I'm celebrating our interview approval and him being here in a couple of weeks!) Most Japanese toasts I know of are long (they tend to get long-winded after a few 
