Hello everyone, I'm just curious as to how everyone's SO's are adjusting to life here in the US. Mmarlo, how is Jacinta? Safitu, what about your SO? I would love to hear an update on anyone else's SO's who arrived within the past few months. Any cute first-discovery stories to share?

My hubby arrived mid March but then left again 2 weeks ago (he had to go back for work but will be back in December)..Well when he first got here, he definitely found everything we do here compared to other places he's lived (Greece, Turkey, Cyprus and West Africa) quite different. He used to say there are too many choices when it came down to things such as cereal, lotion, etc... He used to even laugh cause it seemed that even our utensils and cups were supersized. The buffets definitely tripped him out cause in Europe they do not have anything where its all-you-can eat. The traffic rules and all the stop signs we have out here were really confusing to him at first... He also to find where I live in the suburbs too quite and often found it strange that there are no taxis to be found. He does enjoy all the shopping malls we have out here and all the outlets we have! He also likes the fact that most major department stores have a return policy cause he's never had that option before. The high rise buildings he was in awe of!! He also tripped out at how people out here are really into those big ear piericings which basically put gaping holes in their ears...One guy caught him staring at him and was a little upset!!

I guess I can chime in here. My husband has been here for about six months now and the adjustment gets easier everyday. The hardest thing for him was being idle so long waiting for the EAD to come. He's used to working all the time! The adjustment has been so much easier after he started working. The biggest thing he has noticed is the "size" of most Americans. He is amazed that there is food anywhere, anytime, anyplace here. He also thinks everything is SO big. I live in a fairly small state (MD) but when we're driving somewhere, he's like it's SOOOO big!! I have to laugh everytime he says this. And he swears he will never get a decent haircut here. I think he's ready to sponsor his barber at home to come over and cut his hair!!

And after the barber is here Princessmetzger will be relieved to send Booker to him too, right Shaun ? We were just talking about the hair cutting thing.

We are doing ok, I have to agree that the waiting for EAD is hard. Sometimes he gets a little stir crazy. We got him a weight set and so he has something to do now. We found a Nigerian Market here in Denver and that helped with the food issue. Kids are home for the summer so he does not have any peace anymore...But really all in all I would say he is adjusting quite well.

LOL, yes the barber will be a big thing with Booker, he is completely anal about his haircuts and who cuts them.

Thanks for those updates, I'm glad to see everyone is adjusting well. I can't wait to see what my fiance's first moments will be like when he's here.

My hubby is adjusting well.....we were able to get married, file for SSN and open accounts at the bank and get the driver's permit with out any problems. He was also able to find several local markets here to buy food. He spent the first 3mos updating resume and going on job interviews, nothing turned up as he came with temp EAD which is okay, as that was to be expected but, wanted to at least try to see if he could get something temporary. He made a very good friend with someone from east Nigeria that came thru the visa lottery and they were able to move around together looking for work. I think the most difficult part is being idle as we are now waiting for AOS/EAD approval. The wait will be over soon as our AOS interview is scheduled on Aug. 22nd, we are just looking forward to getting an immigration break for a while and being able to move forward with life. He likes it here in Atlanta.....says its beautiful as we have alot of flowers, forestry, and trees. He likes the way we drive here!!!!!! I think his biggest suprise was seeing all the homeless people in the downtown area sleeping on the ground and under bridges unfortunately poverty is here too in America whether buy choice or not. Can not think of any new cute discovery stories at the moment, if I do I will be sure to post again.

Funny that you would mention barber. Wilmot was the barber for most of his friends back home. It is funny to see how happy they are to have him hear and that he can cut thier hair.

Anyway he seems to be adjusting fine, but he hates all of the sitting around and I know he will be much happier when he is working. He also can not help but notice how big people are in the US and how much food we have here.

Rhonda

My hubby is doing well. I think the EAD wait is the worst part. He's bored out of his mind! So he's trying to occupy his time. Studying for his driving test and spending time with my family.

Well my SO tends to complain about EVERYTHING!!! --from the food we eat to the taxes we pay. One day he is shouting I love American and the next he wants to go back home. Overall, it has been a struggle for him and for me. Especially for my son and him. Childrearing is very different here. All in all it will work out. I have the faith that he will become Americanized one day!!!

How long do they have to wait to work once they arrive?

JJWashington,

There is no set time to get an EAD. But if it has been more than 90 days since the application was submitted you can go to a local USCIS office and request a EAD stamp. A biometeric appointment is neccesary before the EAD is issued. So when you get your appointment at least you know you're a little closer. Hope this helped.

Charles is doing good here...I think he thought that he would be doing better (getting a good job and making more money in a SHORT period of time). His mind is always going 100mile/minute. It can be overwhelming at times...but I know that he is on a mission...so I try to be supportive.
Charles has a Bachelor's in Geology from a University in Nigeria and a Master's in Environmental Resource Management from Europe....but he had no luck in finding any job in those fields....I feel like he should not give up.....but he has and now wants to go into nursing...and will start school in afew weeks to get a degree for an RN...and he is also going to go to a 12week program to be a nursing assistant. I will be happy when he can finally be at peace and happy w/ what he is doing...workwise
He thinks FL is hotter then Nigeria...he hasn't met any real friends yet....but he stays pretty busy and active...that it hasn't really affected him. He talks on the phone alot and goes on computer alot to talk to family and friends. He loves soccer, but hasn't found anyone to play with.....I see men playing it all the time....but they speak no English (only spanish)...so Charles is unable to communicate w/ them. I did get satelite so he can watch England leagues play on tv.
He does miss afew dishes (bitter leaf soup mainly) and has not adapted to American meals...he still eats alot of his foods..one day he will adjust (I am not giving up).
He is slowly adjusting...and seems to be taking everything in....and he is coming to understand the American ways of life. I will always be his biggest fan and support him in any way that I am capable of....because when you think about it....he left everything that he had to come here and be w/ me and I am all he has here....and I know that he will have those rough days, those sad days...and alot of good days...but I am hoping in the end..we will have built something beautiful and enduring.....and can look back and remember where it all started. Patience is a virtue....and you have to be sensitive and understanding more then you are used to

My husband has been here just over two years. Our second wedding anniversery is in a few weeks. We just bought our first house together. And in those two short years he managed to establish a good credit and work history and he is the main borrower on the loan instead of me--the USC--I'm still having a hard time figuring it out.

We both have jobs we love and that helps alot. The rest of it has been learning to mesh two lives together and that Atlantic ocean can sure mean there are alot of differences to come to communicate about and come to agreement to. I sure do respect and appreciate all he does for me. I'm glad we didn't give up on each other during the rough times. I am so very grateful he is my husband.

Mine is not here yet (just two more weeks), but in a lot of ways I don't want him to become Americanized. I want him to adjust just like I adjusted to his country. However, I fell in love with him because of the values he has. All the African men I know (quite a few) believe in taking care of home. No offense to American Black men, but the ones I have encountered are intimidated by a woman that is highly educated, which I have never understood. However, my fiance loves and admires the fact that I am educated (we know what education means to Africans). There is no argument about who's the man and him feeling inferior because I have 2 1/2 pieces of paper that says I can do something. He knows that he is the man and I respect every aspect of his personality. I'm like Jill Scott's song I Still Need You. I can take care of myself, but some things still require a man!

Sorry if I got off topic some, but point is I want him to adjust to our society without losing his traditional African values.

My husband has been in the U.S. for 6 days now and he is adjusting quite nicely. He is learning how to count the coins and it is very funny to see him get at the cash register and count the quarters, nickles and dimes. He loves the foods that we eat especially pasta salad and lasagne. As time goes on I will be telling of his adjustment. Hopefully soon he will get his drivers license so he can drive himself around and get more familiar with his surroundings. He loves Wal-Mart and is like a little child on Christmas morning when he is there. I am very proud of him and how he is keeping our family together and in tack. More to come later as he adjusts.

I definitely agree with the things you have said here!

Onwa,

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It gives me something to look forward to. Right now were in the middle of AOS, he's adjusting to the US, and we're adjusting to each other. We're optimistic and your story reminds us that in 2 years time we could be where you are, a regular married couple, building the life we want together.




Kelechi! I'm glad to know everything is well. : ) My hubby loves Wal-mart too. lol.

Hey Princess you've changed your name............all quiet and all

lol!

I would say that in general Jacinta is adapting well. She loves some of the conveniences, like being able to get to town, do things, and get back home without necessarily taking an entire day to do it. She likes the roads, high-speed internet at home, predictable electricity, and she's enjoying some new food here, while still being able to prepare most things from back home (we had a barbeque two weekends ago with roasted goat meat!). I think she likes most of the shops, although everything is too expensive, she's not working, and we've been without a salary until my job at UCLA starts next month! I'd say the hardest things are not being able to get home to see her sister's wedding, boredom from not being able to work or have much to do, and not having enough money to do things as freely as we did while living in Kenya. Jacinta's found different ways of getting in touch with her friends and family back home--email, YM, phone cards, etc.--but there was just no way for us to get back for her sister's wedding, and of course no one in her family got to attend ours (though we did just send them a DVD of the ceremony). We signed up for Blockbuster Total Access, so we're going through more movies than we should, but that's getting to be a bit old.

I'd say that one thing that has been a bit hard for me is the fact that Jacinta isn't driving here yet, and so I end up spending a lot of time driving around when I'd rather be doing something else. I work from home, but I normally work about 50 hours a week, and I just feel like I'm getting pulled in too many directions, without enough time to myself. I know it's a bit selfish, but my work is also my hobby, and I think we're still trying to find that right balance between our personal and professional lives (and it's easy to mix the two when you work from home, and it's hard to have much of a professional life when USCIS prevents you from working or going to school!). We're also getting ready to move across the country for my next job, and that's stressful since we don't have a place there yet, and we're still trying to figure out how to get all of our things there. It's also a bit weird spending like 22 hours a day with another person, even someone you love completely. I think we're both waiting to get settled and resume some kind of normal life. But that's all on hold as we wait for AOS and EAD and as we get ready to move to LA, start my new job, etc., and in the meantime, there's too much stressing about how everything is going to work out, money, etc.

Another thing that has been a bit tough is adapting to my family, who have interacted with Jacinta in somewhat unexpected ways. Not long after Jacinta arrived, my grandfather passed away, and virtually everyone in my family got to meet Jacinta, and then a month later we got married in Vegas with my parents, sisters, and a few aunts and uncles in attendance. It was great those first few visits, but in some more recent visits where there was a bit more time together, my mom ended up making some rather offensive remarks without even realizing it. My mom is a really sweet person, she's really friendly and outgoing, she's bought Jacinta a bunch of gifts when she came to the US, for our wedding, and for her birthday, she's always so happy to see Jacinta. However, she keeps making a big deal out of things that she thinks are new to Jacinta here in the US, exposing a cultural arrogance or elitism that is degrading to Jacinta. Last week, we were visiting my grandparents and one night my grandmother was asking people how they wanted their steaks cooked (medium, well done, etc.). When she asked Jacinta, my mom made some off-hand remark like, "how would she know the difference?!". She also kept making a point of telling everyone around how Jacinta had never flown before she came to the US. On its own, that wouldn't have meant much, but once before she also made a point of pointing out and repeating to several people that Jacinta had never had a massage before my mom arranged for them to get massages before our wedding. It's true that Jacinta hadn't flown before, but that's certainly nothing special in Kenya, where ground transportation is the norm except for the ultra-rich, but it was just false that Jacinta had never had a massage before. The very day before, she had gotten a (nicer) massage when she had a facial at a salon where we live, and while Jacinta was living in Nairobi, she had weekly manicures and bi-weekly pedicures, all of which came with a massage. And in any case, who cares; it's not like my mom has a lot of experience eating escargo, cavier, or truffles; different cultures value different things differently, and what we do in the US isn't inherently better than somewhere else. Anyway, it all left the impression that my mom perceives Jacinta as some poor African girl is in need of our civilizing, and it also reveals a kind of classism that I hadn't really noticed before so up-close: how many of the 46 million uninsured people in this country do you think are Sky Team Elite members?! The fact that this affects my mom, who on all appearances should be more sensitive but who had no idea she was saying anything degrading, makes it worse, because this attitude must be extremely common (and every time I hear TV ads or something talking about starving children in Africa, I think our neo-colonialist society does nothing but magnify those misconceptions and stereotypes). Unfortunately, I didn't hear any of my mom's comments directly--I was in a different room each time she said something offense--so I couldn't say anything when it happened. Now Jacinta doesn't want me to make a big deal out of it, and I'm stuck in a difficult position. I'm the type of person who can let something go relatively easily, but only if I say something about it. On the other hand, if I just stay quiet about some problem, it'll keep lingering, and in the present case, I know I'll explode if I hear someone in my family make another ignorant comment about Africans.

In any case, Jacinta and I are so happy to be together. Dealing with these problems now, together, is much better than being apart, wondering when we'll be able to see each other again.

Hey! It's great to hear from you again!

It sounds like Jacinta is level headed about things - I'd chalk most of the ignorance expressed by family members as just that, ignorance. I caught my Dad using the word, oriental the other day on the phone. He's well educated - Masters in History and a very well read person and liberally minded...but he's also nearly 80 and has moments where he says some
off the wall things that sound like straight out of the mouth from someone like Rush Limbaugh.

If I could make some suggestions to help not only Jacinta's, but both of your adjustment.

First, let her make your place her own, the way the furniture is arranged, how things are organized, etc.

Once you arrive here in LA, help her get familiarized with the transit system. Also there's so much diverse culture here and food - the two of you can explore it and find what you both like.

There's also so many places here to see and experience - Getty Museum, La Brea Tar Pits, LACMA just to name a few that I'd recommend making a point to go somewhere new every weekend.

The idea is that both of you discover new sites, sounds, tastes together even though you maybe more familiar to some things here, the purpose is to find common interests as well as new shared experiences. I think that is so crucial to a marriage.

And lastly, see if you can get her connected to some local Kenyans here in LA. Build new friendships and social networks together.

Best wishes on your move to LA! We should definitely meet up for lunch or dinner once you two are settled in!

Steven, thanks for the advice. I can't wait to get to LA because then we can do some of the things that you mention. We'll be in a place that we pick out and furnish together. We'll both be new to the city, so we'll be forced to adapt to the transit system on our own, learn the best ways to get around and what the city has to offer. I'll have an affiliation with the African Studies center at UCLA and already have a couple Kenyan friends there, so I think we'll quickly become part of that community. I'm looking forward to moving out there because, after four months here in Ann Arbor, it seems like we'll finally have a chance to start living in a place together, not just staying somewhere temporarily, as in our current situation. Anyway, it would be cool if we could get together once we're in town--thanks for the offer!