I've noticed a lot of talk here and other places about what the American fiance/wife will change in her life once the SO gets here. Things like the wife/fiancee having and going out with male friends, wanting to go to a public swimming pool, dressing/covering to fit his cultural standards, cooking to fit his eating habits etc...

I wonder how much a woman will sacrifice her own self to adapt to the man? I think its not just a MENA concept- IMO in general - women in the US do this no matter where the man is from to some extent. but often to the detriment of her own sense of self an well being (again IMO)

I can't imagine making changes in my lifestyle to please my husband. Myhusband was the right choice for me because we already agreed on basic lifestyle choices. I know in any marriage you compromise, adapt to married life, btu what I am wondering is how many of hte things that you love to do are you going to stop doing once he is here just because he doesn;t like it ?

well.. for me the only think that is different between me and my husband is that I am a Vegetarian.. and I am NOT willing to cook meat other than some seafood.. But that was talked about in the WAY beginning. It was one of the things we had to agree apon before we even went ahead with step two....

other than that.. I made sure I was with someone in the same religion. And the only thing with that is that he would like me in niqab... BUT it is 100% my option

I haven't really made any changes in my lifestyle since Moh arrived. The only change I made was I don't really go out with friends (alone) like I used to. But that would have happened even if I married someone from here.

I don't have any real male friends (I have male acquaintences not "friends"), I dress the same as I always did, I cook the same stuff as I always did, I swim in public but now I do it with Moh (I cover my swimsuit with a tshirt for modesty but that is something I've always done...no one should be subjected to my thighs )

Like MBP, my husband was the right choice for me because we share many of the same values and life goals. We also share similar interests.

Well I think giving up my whole structure is going to be a big sacrafice. I've lived alone with my girls for 9 years so I'll have to:

1) think about cooking for an extra, more hungry person
2) not be sitting on the couch doing nothing at night anymore
3) not rip one when ever I want to anymore or burp the alphabet after a big diet coke


Stuff like that.

The thing where we get caught up is chores. My husband is in no way used to doing chores, and I knew that going in. I'm also not the best about chores. We're both doing the best we can though... I'm trying to cook for him more often, he does stuff like the dishes and takes out the trash.

The other problem we have is when we talk about having kids. Basically, since I earn more money than him, it would be ideal for him to stay home with the baby (when we have one, inshallah) and for me to continue working, but that is really completely against his culture (and against many american mens' cultures too!)

There isn't anything I really do that bothers Maj. He wishes I did more around the house, but he doesn't get upset about it, because I told him going in not to expect me to be cleaning all the time! He pretty much accepts that. He gets a little bit jealous about me having male friends, but he deals with it.

I think it's important to discuss these things before you get married (though things come up inevitably that you couldn't predict).

i don't plan on changing anything other than my internet habit. i don't see myself being online for 1/4 of the time i am once he's here with me! lol

other than that... my eating habits, friends, and all will stay the same and he will just have to get used to it. as i will have to get used to certain things he does that i do not do.

my mom changed her entire life for my dad. she lost her identity and over time she felt very resentful for this. probably mostly at herself for allowing this change to happen. she stopped eating the things she liked, doing the activities she liked, tv shows, travel, etc to please my father. (they hardly had anything in common!) its just an awful situation i think so many women do in marriages, imo.

MBP, I think you made an excellent point about it not just being a MENA thing. I think when a couple is in that "honeymoon" phase, women or men can tend to lost their identity for the sake of the other person.

The only thing that will change when Hicham comes back home is not having the dogs inside. I let them sleep in the laundry room and come into the den when it's really hot or cold. While he likes dogs, he just doesn't feel that they should be inside the house.

We've have lived together prior to him being stuck in Morocco, so I know what it will be like.

What will be different is how we interact as parents now that our son has come along. That IS going to be an adjustment, but I think that is the same for any new parents.

too too funny..this cracked me up...humor is always good and a way that I get through stressful situations..this just about killed me too too funny...

I cook the same excpet no pork. Ok that is only going to help my diet not hurt it. My children love turkey bacon and so do I so it is not a big deal. We eat alot of beef and chicken which I have always done. We don't eat fried breaded chicken hearts and gizzards he made then for us last night and he fried them in lemon juice, onions, green peppers and olive oil and they where great, along with fried potates, sliced tomoatos and green onions and pita bread. Oh yeah pita bread is bought more then regualr bread and oilve oil used definately more. I cook Friday - Sunday he cooks Mon-Thurs, on the days that we cook we cook what we like and so far the children and I have enjoyed everything. I have learned to eat more raw vegtables and belive it is only heathier for all of us. He also makes sure we have fruit everyday and that is awesome. One thing I will make but he won't have to eat is gravy, he said it was too hard for his stomach, too much grese.

Freinds well male and female we visit them together so he like the few male friends I have a enjoys there company. I only have a few close friends anyway and he likes them all. I have went to visit my girlfiend and he didn't feel like going so he didn't, he said it is normal and that i have to get used doing things as I did beofre and if he wants to go then he will. The childrens friends all like him and he hasn't said anything but good things about them, except one of the girls that hangs around with my son that has her boobs out most of the time he said she is a Sharmota. I said yeah she is but she is like one of the boys to the boys so I am not to judge her.

We went to the pool at the club house and it is a pool for all that live here so female and male and children and he had no problems with it. I covered with a cover until we got to the pool then I uncovered, showered and went into the pool as did he.

Ok I am giving up control of driving all the time and that is very different for me, but I am getting more used to it and relaxing more. I still get ont he internet and the cell phone as much as I did. It was cute he sent me an emaill yesterday, I was on the computer in the living room and he was in the bedroom on the laptop saying how much he loves me.

I have given up sleeping alone. YEAH!!!
I have had to deal with my dog seeming to love him more then me But love that they have bonded.

I think for me my SO and I share similar life values and goals...we have other difference however also have open communication to talk out and understand each other's perspectives..I am certainly not intending to change myself once my SO is here - there will certainly be an adjustment with different cultures/religion however as I stated above we have great open communcation and a williness to understand and accept different attitudes and opinions.....

I don't really eat pork anymore. I'll eat it if I'm out in a restaurant, but we don't cook it at home. I had to get used to checking on ingredient labels for pork. I also don't see my friends as much, but I think that's mostly because they're all in the city and I'm outside of the city. i still see my guy friends, although most of them are gay.

I think the biggest adjustments for me aren't cultural, just adjusting to married life. i have had to learn to COMPROMISE

yeah.. ditto..
Last night I was sitting on the couch thinking about that...

last trip i actually burped Wicked loud infront of Mohamed.. He DIED laughing... tears were running down his face...


yup... I agree

I burped once and said excuse me and he didn't know why I was apologizing.

I don't I'll ever be able to fart in front of him.

I"ll make a survey!!!

I'd rather implode from trapped gas than fart in front of my husband (or really anyone else besides my kids). However, apparently I did pass gas once in my sleep. I accused Moh of purposely staying awake just to catch me farting.

Bye bye little piggie.......and I will wear capri's instead of shorts and short sleeved shirts instead of tank tops. I know I'll have to cook a lot more often too. But these are small changes and easy to live with. He's willing to make compromises with me too. He isn't overly happy that I have a large golden retriever that lives in the house. Our compromise is the dog stays out of our bedroom.

I hesitate to mention this but we do have a difference in opinion on whether to cover my head. My opinion is no, and his is yes. This will cause friction at times I"m sure but we both do agree that in the end it is MY decision.

hahaaaaaa....

I did the same thing.. I woke myself out of sleep

I laid there.. Stunned..

then a mintue later he farted in his sleep..
so then I didnt feel bad and when back asleep

ugh i did that last time i visited...and i thought i was in the clear... but the next day he brought it up and made jokes for like 10 minutes about it! boy was my face RED!!!

Actually, I WISH that Hicham would NOT rip ANY in front of me. He's awful!!! ROTTEN!!!! He claims that he smells like jasmine....I beg to differ!!!!

The only real change I made is that I cook almost every night which I really didn't do before he came here. I also don't go out with the girls as much as I did, but we do a lot more with couples.

I made very small changes. I am a family person. My life revolves around my immediate family and he just fit right in the scheme of that. My husbands likes and appreciates me for just who I am.

My husband had to make changes. He quit smoking and drinking almost a year ago. That was my only request so far. I am glad our lifestyles are compatible.

Mohammed and I have this same discussion. He does agree that it is my decision, but seems to think that after we are married my decision will be to cover lol. His sisters do not and his answer was I am not their husband! Oh well we will cross that bridge when we get to it. As far as everything else goes I think compromise is the key word. When I asked him in the past about recipes so I can cook for him food he loves his answer was basically I am coming to America...cook what you cook..at least till we open the resturaunt!

I was reading this article in a magazine while waiting at the doctor's office. It was called the fish test. It was given to both men and women. It gives you a scenario. Say you're at home, making some fish on the stove for you and your SO. When you go to take the fish out of the pan, one of filets starts to crumble apart, so that it's broken into several unattractive pieces. You proceed to put the fish on the plates, as well as the rice and vegetables. When you go to the dinner table to set out the plates, which fish piece to you give to your SO, the nice looking one, or the unattractive one?


Well, during the study (and this happened to me too), most of the women already knew where the scenario was going by the time it said "one of the filets starts to crumble apart" However, most of the men did not. And the men in the study also were shown to not realize that their wives were making such daily "sacrifices." The article also talked about how women tend to look for these little ways to scarfice, as a way to show their love, but men tend to see their scarifice in other terms, such as working to support the family.

I'm sure every single one of us would give the good fish to our husbands. And is there anything wrong with that? I don't think so; it's nice to do something for the other person. But the problem is when the other person doesn't even recognize it as a sacrifice. And pretty soon, we're left with nothing of ourselves because we've given it all away.

I've made lots of sacrifices that I didn't think I would have done. And the majority of them are small things that weren't important to me anyway. But I think we should never sacrifice on the big issues. If our SOs can understand the importance of these big issues to our sense of self, then maybe there is something wrong with the relationship.

Good post. And I think that's totally spot on about the fish. The thing is though that if one is truly doing it out of love, then recognition shouldn't matter. That is a hard pill to swallow, for me at least.

I think you're right that (in principal) the recognition shouldn't matter. And something small like the fist, who cares if they noticed or not? The point is that I noticed that it's the good thing to do, which means I should do it, and who cares if the other person sees that? But I think the problem is when we start to sacrifice one thing after another over the years and none of it registers to the other person. And at least for me, the more that I sacrifice that goes unnoticed, the more I sacrifice again so that it does get noticed. And this isn't even in just my relationship with my husband. It's not so much that I want the other person to notice it and give me medal or soemthing; I want them to see that I care. It's just a matter of not giving up too much to show people this.

Yup, a very narrow line to walk, IMO. At what point does a person stop being a big-hearted, self-sacrificing person and turn into a doormat? I think there must be a point where too much sacrifice leads to a lack of respect, which is counterintuitive to some degree. I find that kind of sad, but it happens to people every day - at work, in relationships - romantic and otherwise. I would like to think that I'm not the type of person who would fail to recognize the sacrifices and even the small gestures of others, but I think everyone is guilty of this to some extent.

you need to introduce him to this time honored ritual between married couples

Thanks for the great post. This is where my mind was even if I couldnt get the words out right n the first post. I think not only should our SOs understand the importance of the big issues, we have to understand what are the big issues for ourselves as well.
I am not so sure we always know when we are allowing ourselves to slip away.

BTW My husbands gives me the nice fish and i always insist I take the broken one. Wonder what that says about me LOL

And sometimes the sacrifices lead to a lost of your sense of identity so much that you become a cricature of the other culture. It is a very fine line to walk between embracing a new culture and yet remaining true to your own self.

As i mentioned in my OP, this phenomenon is not unique to MENA/US marriages, but when you add in a bi-cultural dimension to the marriage, how do you walk this line?

I think you're definitely right about that, and that gets to the heart of the problem. I've seen it happen to people I know, who finally realize they're miserable and don't know who they are anymore, because they had to put aside their dreams and the things that would make them happy-the dreams of that writing career they put aside, not going to the community school to learn pottery in order to pick up the kids from soccer, that vacation to Costa Rica they put off, their desire to volunteer at the food bank that just couldn't be fit into that busy schedule with the family.

My parents both are nurses. They both finished school while they had infant children. My mom finished first, while my dad worked to support the family. Then my dad finished up while my mom worked. They both had dreams, and they came up with a plan so they could both achieve them. Both partners have to support each other in the things that are important. That's the only way the relationship can work, and the only way to prevent one (or both) of the partners to wake up one day and say "what the hell happened to my life?"

I think you're righ tthat the bi-cultural dimension makes things more sticky. I think growing up, seeing other marriages, we all started getting ideas about what's "normal" to give up after marriage. Like maybe late nights with friends or spending money on whatever you want. But or SOs also grew up with ideas about what's normal to give up in marriage, and while some of these things are the same, not all of them are. And that's when it gets hard, when you have to give up something you didn't dream of giving up before. Like someone else said, swimming in public. Or an example for me, my husband becomes jealous when I am too direct in my eye contact with men I don't know (I'm talking about the little nods or smiles you might do as you pass a stranger on the street). This is something I never thought would be an issue before - just trying to be friendly. I'm sure he didn't think he would be cooking meals as often as he does either. We're both having to change our attitudes about what husbands and wives should do in marriage. And I think it definitely has to be a too way street. We have to give up some things, especially because they are giving up so much to live with us here.

this is all exactly was i was attempting to say about my parents marriage, but i couldn't get the right words out. my mom sacrificed everything for my dad. little things like the perfect fish fillet, only buying what kind of ice cream HE liked, taking a hunting safari to africa instead of shopping in paris, things like this... after a while she lost her sense of herself. and he never appreciated it! never! and who's fault is it? did he ask her not to buy her favorite ice cream? did he ask for the perfect fillet? no, she was doing it out of love, out of wanting to please him...although he never realized nor appreciated these small things. it was definitely a great lesson learned for me growing up. keeping your sense of self is really important, while also compromising. definitely a fine line!

where do you find these!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol

Why do you have to wear capris instead of shorts and short sleeved shirts instead of tank tops?

In public my husband feels that shorts and tank tops are like being half naked. I respect his feeling on this and tend to agree with him at least about the tank tops (for me anyway). I'm not a twenty-something or even a thirty-something anymore. Maybe if I was still at those ages I would feel differently. I'm fine with it though.

when my love gets here i don't plan on changing anything but moving into bigger place. we al ready have so much in comman, he likes to do the same things i do . and i like to do the things he likes . but i would like to learn how to cook some of the food from Morocco , if you really love your man /or wife it won't hurt to try once in a while to cook what he likes and it can be very fun cooking together in the kitchen , if you know what i mean. try to make him feel at home remember you both are in for changes and he or she may get home sick than what do you do? mony

Well it was an adjustment at first when my husband arrived. We always slept well together. I had already farted when laughing so hard the first visit to Jordan and that just cracked him up. So he's use to my farts now and then. My husband is use to his mom and sisters doing most everything for him, so I do most of the cooking and cleaning. He does do the stove, hate cleaning the stove. When he wasn't working, he cooked a lot for us. Now that he works so much, I do most of it all now. When i was in Jordan, he didn't pray 5 times a day. Soon as he arrived in Chicago, he did. And then Ramadan followed and that was an experience. A few times he came out of the bedroom and I forgot he was living there and I was naked. He put his hand up trying not to look at me, lol. He's learning little by little on fixing things around the house, after I lectured him that I'm tired of wearing the pants in this house. Other wise, we get along well. I had to adjust to him sending money home. But he pays half the bills, so no complaints as of yet. My husband is not big to go out and buy me cards and gifts, but I realized he doesn't feel comfortable some of the time because things are different here and more expensive. But if I tell him i want this or that, he will let me have it. He's not a control freak but doesn't want me half naked on the street. He hasn't learned how to mix his friends at work and his home life. He has accepted my dogs, but now I have 3 and he gets a bit negative about 3 dogs, lol Love my dogs!!!

He still lives his life sometimes like he is still single. But he is learning gradually to communicate with me about finances, trips and other matters. Argh!

Can't think of anything else right now.

Andrea

Oh and the Arabic TV drives me nuts. He watches it most of the time when he's home. Then at bed time he has to listen to the tv at 200 decimals or higher. I asked him if he was deaf, he said no, but i wonder.

I dunno how I missed this thread the first time around but glad I found it this time! Too funny !!! Mine is slowly learning that in America, where we drink soda like its going out of style soon, burping is like second nature. I've caught him belching a few times when he thought I wasn't within earshot. Oh, and the staring stunned after waking yourself up due to flatulence, yeah, I've been there....silently praying he was asleep and didn't hear it and wondering if it was really as loud as I heard it to be.....

Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy gooooooodness have things changed for us since he arrived....We had discussed the dog being in the house before he got here....he was totally fine with it until after he arrived...BIG ISSUE TO DEAL WITH.....The cooking, we covered before his arrival....TOTALLY not the way we expected it to be.....The cleaning of the house...He didn't understand how busy the life here was and how tired it makes u so he used to get really mad that the house wasn't spottless. Now that we're in Houston and have NO LIFE WHATSOEVER, coz we're a zillion times busier than we ever thought about being in Missouri, He now realizes that he's too tired to do anything and barely wants to move - let alone- clean. Now he's starting to understand what I've been trying to tell him all along...
Have I changed anything, sure.
We eat more veggies - that is only more healthy
I try to be a tad more conservative with what I wear. Not coz I have to, but just to respect his feelings and protectiveness of his wife. I didn't wear revealing stuff before he got here but now I am just a little bit more cautious about it.
I try to keep a cleaner house than I did before he got here - again not bad- what's wrong with living cleaner and healthier
I did get rid of the dog coz it became too much of an ordeal between us and we were moving out of town anyway and couldn't afford to bring her. I miss her very much
I buy wayyyyyyy more pita bread than american bread
We take our shoes off just inside the door - also more clean
We have issues in the way my son keeps his room- I say its his room, leave him alone and he says its his room, but its in our house, therefore it should be clean as the rest of the home.
I try to keep all gasseous functions (both upper and lower) to a minimum and preferrably out of earshot of others. - more respectful- whats wrong with that?? - hehe we still have our times though, when my son and I are at home alone, we have contests!!!
we don't watch near the tv we did before
I'm sure there is more but I think I've shared enough for now lol!!!

amal

I learned from growing up in a big family that if I cook it then I let them choose which plate they wants so it's fair, or serve themselves.

I still do that with anyone. If I cut two slices of cake I let the person I'm serving choose which slice they would like. Or if I'm pouring a glasses of drinks I let each person choose which one they want.

Things to give up.

We've had this talk and many more. He gave up smoking I gave up alcohol. I offered the "we can do it in moderation" option, but he said a venomus "no". Explaining I wouldn't like him if he became someone else because of drinking that it's black and white.

Among the list:

- farting (which yeah right we're humans and I had all brothers growing up so plsssssssss.)
- pork (which I don't eat much anyways, but he did say I could if I liked just don't serve him any.)
- non-modest clothing (which I don't wear anymore because I'm no longer a twig with T&A. I've grown to accept my woman body & wear age apropriate clothing.)
- being alone with male friends (I try to watch that now even. I understand this because I am the same way. I don't want him alone with female friends.)
- Alcohol (ok it's better for my body and child rearing.)
- Smoking (That one's his. I can't live with a habitual smoker. I am more relaxed though since I went to Egypt and saw how shisha is ingrained in the culture. He can bring it over as long as it's not habitual stinking up the house.)
- Giving up having children (I feel this one is going to make or break us. The debate is still swirling on this one. I've read articles that in Egypt they function by associating their social status on how good a muslim they are. If the father isn't raising the children muslims then his family is looked down upon and scorned. Even so far as people lose jobs, people in stores won't sell products to the families, ect. At first we wanted children and I agreed to raise them islamic in my ignorance to please him thinking I had an understanding of Islam from reading nine books at the library and the Quran. I didn't agree however that the daughters wear the head thing because I know not all muslims do. We even disagree on names for future children. He wants arabic ones and I like western ones. The western ones he's chosen are modern arabic ones with religious context. One day I told him, "I don't know if I want kids." Now he says, "Lets not have kids. If you couldn't have kids I would still want you over all the kids in the world." It's a sore topic because I like to know we have the option when he's saying after marriage "nope". As optimistic as we like to be we may not stay together because the realty is we are having espeically different view points on the kids issues. From raising them here to raising them there, to what to name them, to how to raise them, to what schools they go to. And he doesn't like the idea of going to a marriage counselor about it. I don't know what to do and it's not like I have all the time in the world but at least a few more years. For now we have agreed that once we get through this immigration process, and we've achieved all we want to have a stable life then we'll reconsider the children issue. That gives us at most 5 years time.)

When polling successful (long marriages) married people before I got married I asked what makes it last so long. Among the things mentioned in every group was compatability, and compromise.

The smoking thing is the one bone of contention we have. It doesn't bother me at all since I used to be a smoker but my kids are wicked antismoke ever since they went through the DARE program at school. He's agreed to only smoke outside but I think even that will bother the kids. Hopefully they'll just get used to it.

I hear ya. In Hurghada I busted him smoking one morning. He thought I was still asleep and went into another room to smoke out the window. He pouted and sulked the rest of the day because he felt so guilty. I don't know if he felt guilty for smoking and getting caught or for smoking. That's when I offered the all in moderation option and got the venomus no black and white talk. I think maybe it's a do as I say not as I do thing. He doesn't want to have a wife that drinks but smoking is ok.

When I was back here one time to see what he'd say I told him. I smoked. He replied, "What?"
Then I told him I smoked something funny. His reply was still a casual, "What?", with no harsh lectures to follow.
Then I told him I drank too. To this is reply was, "Who are you?"

His most escalated reaction came to the drinking issue rather than the smoking something funny issue. hmm....

This is me to a T! I am allergic to smoke, it put me in the hospital too many times with pneumonia! My husband will not smoke here he promiced!!! I am thinking about the lazer treatment I hear it works! He tried the patch and is alleric to the glue...lol I heard of champtrex and the welbutrine.... so not sure about those...

the other thing is after working a full day... I dont want to lift a finger at home other then to cook. I want magical powers like mary poppins or the charmed ones. I would love a maid but NOT one who lived with me.

I like to walk around naked, yes my girls are blinded by the sight! But why get dressed in the bathroom when you can walk naked to your bedroom?

I have two teens in the house so I have the fashion police already with me.... "Dear God! MOM, you cant wear that!!!" I also get, mom, are you going thru a mid life thing? Arent you too old to wear that? Mom cover the girls up more... god! My husband is alittle more subtle with things... He use to say, "your going out of the house dressed like that?" I would smile and say , "yep". He would say "noooooooooooooooo"... Ok at times, I would wear stuff I would KNOW make him upset..why? god only knows.. LOL

LOL! Love it! I look forward to walking around naked all the time hoping maybe I'll get nookie!

The kid problem comes up here time and time again. Honestly I can't understand how people commit to marriage and file for a visa if they haven't decided or been able to agree on so many things. For us it was very important to talk about everything and make sure we weren't going to have any bumps in the road about children. We both want kids and both want to wait several years and are both very happy that we talked about those things and agreed before he got here. It's hard for me to imagine a man from MENA who doesn't want children since family is so important in those countries. When a man says they don't want kids (which is usually when the women already has some and is too old to have more) I think that is a big red flag.

we have talked about the kid issue to because I already have kids and i asked him if that bother him, he said no, i asked him about adopting children, and i have not hear any thing back on that issue. but he did say that he would be so glad to be a father to my kids . as far as smoking or drinking goes we don't have that problem because never one of us do it. my ex was a bad drinker and a very violent man, so for the longest time i did not want to be near men, but it all changed when i meet Hassan Salhi, he stole my heart. as far as by dressing goes biggest part of the time i am nursing uniforms and he likes that, but there are times on my day offs i wear tank tops and shorts and he has no problem with it. I asked him when i come to visit him if would be okay if a guy coworker could come with me on the plane , because my parents cannot, they are taking care of by eldery grandmother, and Hassan respons to that idea was no no , no male coworkers come because i don't want to share you with him when you only have a short time to be here with me and my family. I told him that was okay , because i wanted to spent time with him alone too. mony

My husband does not want kids, neither do I. Never saw that as any kind of a red flag despite what some may consider a cultural norm. Mine breaks the mold I guess

My husband does not want kids of his own either. He has always said my kids are his since their biological father really has nothing to do with them. Actually none of his brothers or sisters want kids either. I'll have to ask what's up with that.

Speaking from my personal experience married to an arab and living here for 20 years I find that a great many men from here who marry foreign women present oneself to that woman before marriage and then present something totally different after marriage. Most women who meet their arab boyfriend meet him in another country other than his own...and so they see the person he is when his family and friends are not watching him...this means that he might drink, smoke, play the field so to speak while abroad...but once he's back home he's back to being the strict Muslim guy everyone knows...this also means that much of the fun and many of the things he accepted his girlfriend to do previously no longer is accepted now that she is his wife. How many foreign women here are living miserable lives because the guy they married in their country is not the guy they are married to now....he bears little resemblence and suddenly finds the ability to compromise impossible. It happens and its very sad. Thats not true of all marriages Im sure but far too many to make one be anything other than jaded about the whole process.

To the ladies here who say that they have discussed it all before marriage and its all settled....I sincerely and truly hope that it all works out for you...a happy marriage is hard to come by these days it seems....but always be aware that people are not always the same after marriage as before....and thats particularly true of Arabs.

Also for the poster that said "he prefers i wear hijab/niqab but is leaving it up to me"....if he has made it known that he prefers you to wear it then chances are it will be a hot issue between you until you do wear it....he means what he says...he wants you to wear it....the choice may be yours right up until the moment its not....not saying its true for everyone but Ive seen it happen time and time again.

One more thing...Arab men are extremely jealous creatures....usually that jealousy comes out at the most unlikely of places...smile at the guy bagging your groceries and the fight could be on....mention a guys name that you ran into and had a chat with that day with and the fireworks might fly...seriously you never know what sets off the jealousy radar....and to make it even more rediculous...you are not allowed to be jealous of him because he is a man and can do as he pleases.....you probably think this a bitter ex speaking(and to some extent your right) but Im also speaking from the experience of other women speaking to me over a span of 20 years...always the same stories....always the same kind of beginning and same miserable outcome.

What Im saying is that you need to learn about his culture inside and out....learn about his family life and what is accepted within it and what wasnt....learn about his religion because after marriage it will be much more important to him then it was before marriage....and totally learn about his feelings regarding kids cause thats the huge hangup for many mixed religious/culture couples. Do your homework ladies....do extra credit assignments too if you can cause you need all the info you can get and then some.

I hope every single marriage mentioned on this site is a successful happy committed one....with trust, patience, and compromise the 3 leading characteristics....God bless every union and keep a watchful eye over you all.....