[font="Times New Roman"][/font][size="2"][/size][color="#FF0000"][/color]For all those
people who left their countries to be with with their partners !!!

Well ............... The reason that i wann poste on here is because of so many questions that it keeps knocking on my head often, and I honestly wann find answers but i also want it to be a truthful answer not just to show yr self that you are having a good life to make others be happy for you ...( But before of all I ask you all a big pardon for my messy english . I just been here in the US not a long ago... So I'm sorry about that ).

Before of all ... I wish for you all a good blessing and a succesful steps to pursuit the perfectance of life that you all desire .

I been surfing Vj almost everyday looking for reasonable answers to make me attached to something that will really answer all my question . "SADLY" .No one have ever talked about their partner no one have ever mention the appreciation of sacriface that they went through ...Leaving COUNTRY....FAMILY....FRIENDS.....CULTURES...ECT...

Yes I know some of you will say .. what about our sacriface .. flying to a foreign country that you dont know any one there ....Ect ..... But i would like to tell you that yes Your husband/wife aprreciate all of that , thats why he/she with you now .....And to really find if you appreciate your husband beeing here and understand his scariface then answer those questions ...

**Do you get mad at him/her if will go to bed late and wake up late ?
** Do you talk to him about his/her feelings sometimes ?
** How do you feel when he/she talks to his/her family more then 4 times a week?
(dont think about bills because i know that will make you mad but what if he paying the bills him self )
**Do you feel him/her if he wanna cry ?Do you feel when he is lonely?
**Have You ever want to surprise with something he likes to do without him asking for it?
**How often you hold his/her hands ?
**How will you feel if he/she will ask you about going back to native country?
**does he/she get angry sometimes and mad _ how do you feel ? and how you manage to calm
him/her down?
**Do you blame him/her for any bad financial situation caused by him/her before entering the US?
******************************Do you truely and honesly love your partners ?*********** ****************************Or is it because it was hard to find love in the US **************** ********************************************************************************
*****

By the way I' m Moroccan and Proud to be Moroccan and I all what i can tell you if you want to amke your marriage work love your partners the way you want to be loved ... cuddle him when he/she need it .. Talk to him/her when the sadness and loneless around .. this is the pursuit of love and happiness ... other wise No one can handle beeing left out ....


Good luck to you all

Hi,
My husband and I often talk about the sacrifices we both make in order to be together. He's not here yet but will be very soon. There will be adjustments for everyone involved.........kids included. I've heard there are 4 stages that an immigrant will go thru while adjusting to a new life in a diffferent country. Be sure to keep the lines of communication open and trying to place yourself in the other one's shoes. I know even I had feelings of loneliness while staying in Morocco. I longed for my country, my language, my family and all the things that were familiar to me. I hope I remember this when my husband comes to live here. Thanks for the reminder! I hope your transition goes smoothly.

Best of luck to you.
Aminah

Thank you for posting this.

So often we get so sidetracked with the process to get there and we dont stop and think about the real reason we are going.

My husband is amaizing and I will shout that to the world!!!
I am going over to start a new life there in the US with him along with my daughter of 3.

Everytime I get sad about the wait to get there - He shows me how strong he is and reminds me of the wonderful future we have together!

Yes it is a sacrafice giving up your family, job, house, life - but to look forward to spending a life time with someone willing to walk the earth for you - it is well worth it!

What we do for love!!!
And In turn - what love will do for us!

My husband never left his country for me. He's been in the US for years. The only reason I appreciate that he left is so that I got the chance to meet him, because his leaving Peru had nothing at all to do with me.

Contrary to the common situation, I (the USC) left my familiar surroundings to be with him. We're both in the US, but I lived in NY, him in FL.

And while he appreciates that I left, the whole "YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICES I MADE" shtick gets old fast. Both people have made their own sacrifices, some bigger than others. If we spend the rest of our lives bringing it up, the only thing we get is a crap load of bitterness...from both sides.

Besides, I love my husband and would do it all again.

I got goose bumps reading this - Amaizing!

Have a look at the "moving here and your new life in America forum" on here. Every now and then, these types of posts pop up.

It is a big change for both people, or more if children are involved. This is where the strength of your commitment to each other plays a big part, as you adjust to the little things that are very different from where you came from.
I find those especially annoying sometimes.
I have lived in several countries and each one has something different to offer. For most brand new immigrants, it can be especially overwhelming but it does get better and alot of what you consider weird or different eventually becomes routine and the norm as you settle into your new life. It is daunting to pick up, pack up and start all over again but can also be rewarding in that each new experience is now something that you are sharing with your life partner.

My husband when I do get a bit homesick, is extremely understanding and Im usually out of that mood pretty quick when we find something really interesting here to do together or he just goes and buys me cadbury chocolates which I grew up with in my country. Each day it is the little kindnesses that we show to each other and to outsiders that makes not only our marriage stronger but makes adjustment to this new country more enjoyable and easier.

Thank you!

I really dont know what I am in for but I know there will be alot of adjusting! I have a 3 year old going over with me and up until now our lives have been a rollercoaster ride, moving around alot and when her father and I split up alot too...
I know that she will have a more stable life in the US as well as a stepfather who is 100% commited to us!
I am hoping she adjusts well - Everyday I tell her more and more about America and her new family there - she is getting more and more excited.

Us adults learn to cope with most situations very well. I have moved around alot and feel that change is a major part of life.
As long as I have my rock - my husband - I feel I can cope with anything comming my way.

I do know that I will miss Mrs Balls Chitney from South Africa!!!!
I use it in all of my dishes I cook....

I see it more as a challenge at starting a new life and although it can be very stressfull - how many people can really say they got a 2nd chance at a new life?

Well, my first response would be - my husband wanted to come to the United States even before he met me. If he hadn't met me, he was planning on coming here on a student visa or a work visa. About the only thing he gave up was his education, which he has to re-start here. He didn't really care for his own language and prefers English, and while he thinks some things are better in the Netherlands, he knows this is where he wants to be.

With that said... I encourage him to talk to his family, although sometimes he can be a bit lazy about doing so. I ask him a lot about the differences between countries, societies, and how we view things. We hold hands, snuggle, and are generally quite loving most of the time. Our only real conflict lately has been me getting on his case because he isn't taking his schooling seriously enough, but it's still early on and these are his first classes.

In some way, I find these questions a little bit leading... There are some people who take their foreign mates for granted, but the vast majority of us are in real relationships and treat our spouces with the same respect we expect to receive in return.

My husband doesn't view immigration as a sacrifice. He doesn't feel that he gave anything up to be with me...that wouldn't sit well with me if he reminded me of "what he sacrificed for me". No, he sees it more as what he gained by immigrating...a loving wife, a daughter, and a happy marriage. If one wants to come here and be with their beloved, how is that a sacrifice? Yes he gave up being able to see his family and friends daily, but it's not like he doesn't keep in touch with them. With that said, I do appreciate the fact that he WANTED to come here and live with me, more than anyone realizes.

IMHO, to regard this process as a sacrifice (and reminding one's spouse of said sacrifice) might be the recipe for resentment and guilt down the road.

I have my whole family here in SA as well as a stable job for nearly 5 years, I have a car and had a brand new house with absolutely everything you need in it.
None of that completes me the way my husband does!
As you said not sacrafice but GAIN!
I am not leaving anything behind! If anyone here in SA misses me we will make a plan to visit one another.

I beleive:
THE HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS......

Right now I own the clothes on my back, my car - until I leave, my daughters clothes and toys.
I have sold my house and everything in it. And I am looking forward to the brightest future and Happiness I could ever have dreamt for!

No sacrafice at all!

I echo those sentiments exactly.

Thank you for this post, Mr. Morocco. I can understand how you're feeling. My husband recently came here from Egypt. He doesn't feel as if he's made a sacrifice to come here. He doesn't miss his country but he does miss his family. This is how I would answer the questions you asked....

**Do you get mad at him/her if will go to bed late and wake up late ? No. When he first arrived he had a hard time adjusting to the time change. Now he goes to bed when I do and wakes up when I do. Occasionally he can't sleep and he will wait until I fall asleep then get up to watch TV. How could I get angry about this? He knows himself and when he needs to sleep and wake up.

** Do you talk to him about his/her feelings sometimes ? Not just sometimes, I ask him how he's feeling and if he's comfortable here every day. I know how I would feel if I moved to Egypt and away from everything that I'm comfortable with.

** How do you feel when he/she talks to his/her family more then 4 times a week?
(dont think about bills because i know that will make you mad but what if he is paying the bills himself) My husband calls his family once a week but if he wanted to call more often I wouldn't mind.

**Do you feel him/her if he wanna cry ?Do you feel when he is lonely? I can tell when he's feeling homesick. He has gotten teary eyed on one occasion while we were talking about his family. He's never expressed loneliness though.

**Have You ever want to surprise with something he likes to do without him asking for it? I do it all the time.

**How often you hold his/her hands ? Everyday

**How will you feel if he/she will ask you about going back to native country? We have discussed going back for visits once we're more financially stable. I love Egypt and miss his family so I can't wait to go back.

**does he/she get angry sometimes and mad _ how do you feel ? and how you manage to calm
him/her down? My husband is very laid back and calm. He's almost always in a good mood. He's gotten irritated a couple times since he's been here esp. since he's trying to quit smoking. I give him his space and talk to him. He gets over it pretty quickly.

**Do you blame him/her for any bad financial situation caused by him/her before entering the US? No, anything that I did to put myself in a bad financial situation is my problem not his.

All relationships must deal with sacrifice, compromise, patience, understanding, and appreciation. No matter if you move 5000 miles or 5 miles for the person you love. I'm sure in the back of our minds we always worry our SO will some day regret their decision to move to the states. But it is said home is where the heart is, my heart is with my husband and sons, wherever they are happy, I will be happy too, whatever sacrifices any of us have to make to be together, is all to the greater good.

Some things I have tried to do to make my hubby feel more comfortable was to seek out foods, drinks, treats, items he could only get back home and find out how/where to get them near where we live. He laughs and says there's no need, that he's fine with what is readily available but I think it's showing that you make that effort, that you love them so much you'll do all you can to make them happy that they will appreciate.

It is easy to lose sight of what is truly important when dealing with this long, drawn out, frustrating process, but hopefully at the end of it, you will see how important it is to never take each other for granted.

I appreciate your post. I do agree that endless talk about sacrifice can get in the way of building the future together. And if a couple isn't careful, it can turn into a fruitless debate about who has sacrificed more. However, it's relevant for us NOW because my SO, like you, arrived here from Morocco not long ago. He is very open with me about what he is feeling, but I do think he feels more than he says sometimes because he is not one to complain; he sees the adjustment as something to just work through. He is an optimist by nature. And since he smiles through it so much, sometimes I miss some cues that he is having a difficult day until we talk about it at night. Your post is a good reminder of things he may need that he may not say out loud.

I don't know how often he talks with family and friends back home because he uses mostly voice/video chat and our work schedules differ. He phones local friends quite frequently. My feeling is it is important for him to do that as much as he wants to or feels is necessary as long as it does not cause too much financial stress (it has not caused any) and as long as he does not isolate himself with the computer to the point of depression or neglecting our relationship (he has not). It makes me happy when I hear him speaking Arabic with his dear ones because I know how much it helps him (and I can learn a word or two). I think even if the talks with family seem excessive in the beginning, they will balance out in time as the adjustment takes place.

I love my partner with all my heart. I did not look overseas for him as a last resort; there are plenty of amazing human beings in my own country, and I was not desperate. We happened to find each other when neither was looking for love, and over time I came to see how very special he is, how much we have in common on a deep level, even with the obvious superficial differences. I fell in love with him not because of where he was but because of who he is. He is the kind of husband I have wished for since I was a child, in part because he treats me the way my father has always treated my mother, and also because I see the kind of strength of character and values and genuine kindness I have always admired in another person. Plus, he's so dang fun to be around. He's my best friend. Enough of the mushy stuff.

As far as getting angry, well, everyone on the planet gets angry; it's normal. And small misunderstandings that seem huge are also normal for all new couples. Each partner expresses anger differently as well. For example, one partner may need space and quiet time but at the same time not want the other to be too far away. And the other partner might want things between them to be fixed right away and find it very difficult to just be quiet and wait for the dark clouds to blow away. It helps us to talk about those differences during the calm, happy times, when the stress is off and both can really listen. Then, when we do hit a bump, we already have a plan in place to deal with it.

And financial stress is a biggie in every marriage. Love and warm fuzzies aside, immigration hits a couple very hard financially, and that can cause one or both partners to feel unsafe, insecure, like the earth under their feet is not solid. There are kinds of expenses here that some immigrants never had back home (they had different ones). So the USC has to teach this to the immigrant spouse, and maybe sometimes it comes across like they blame them or like they are treating them like a child when they are really just trying to show them how the system works and what they as a couple need to do to get by. The system here is broken in many ways, but it's what we have to work with. Speaking for myself, I don't blame my SO at all for any financial difficulty. We went into this with our eyes open, knowing it would lead to a financial struggle and sacrifice for US as a couple, not for me as an individual. It's worth it, a thousand times worth it, but we do have to look the budget square in the eye and force it to behave or we will quickly find ourselves in a mess that is very hard to get out of. My SO brought a financial discipline into our relationship that I appreciate very much.

In the immigrants' cases, there are a thousand adjustments to make every day, especially in the beginning. Not having the kind of food that has always comforted you, not having wheels in a country that depends on them, a different dominant religion, no real cafes, not being able to communicate effectively with strangers, not running into hundreds of friends and acquaintances everywhere you go, difficulty doing all the mundane things you didn't even think about in your home country, a change in climate (this "air you can wear" right now in the donut hole of South Carolina, for example), even a change in the way a bathroom is designed and used (something you've been used to since you were two, for goodness sake), and on and on... all those things can pile up until the person just needs to vent and be heard for a while. But sometimes you just can't share these feelings with family back home because you want them to see you successful and happy, and you don't want to worry them. When the person who's lived here forever doesn't notice these "little" things because they've never had to adjust to them, they may not understand right away where the anger or sadness is coming from or how to be supportive. I need my parter to say, THIS is why I am stressed out, and THIS is what I need to make it better. I'll bend over backwards to help if he tells me what he needs. Neither of us can read the other's mind, though it may seem that way at times.

It's also on the immigrant to make this place their new home, even if this place annoys them sometimes, to look at what has been gained as well as lost, and to use their imagination to mix old and new into something they can live with. This country has an awful lot to offer if you look around with an open mind and go after what you want.

I'm not trying to play down the adjustment, though, or to say that listening and patience will fix everything. This stuff is not easy at all. We did six weeks of premarital counseling, reluctantly at first, at the request of my parents. The counselor asked us probing questions and pointed out many similarities she, as an outsider, saw between our families of origin, our beliefs, our traditions, our goals. She also gave us some tools to deal with conflict, because EVERY couple on the planet has conflict. It was a beautiful experience, and not something that helps only after there is already a problem. And this is starting to look frighteningly like a soapbox, so I'll back off. I tried to give my opinion (and ONLY my opinion) about most of the points you brought up. Sorry for going on so long. Best wishes to you and your partner in your new life together.

**Do you get mad at him/her if will go to bed late and wake up late ?- No, for both of us.

** Do you talk to him about his/her feelings sometimes ?-Yes, on a very regular basis.

** How do you feel when he/she talks to his/her family more then 4 times a week? - I only call once a week or if I'm missing them. Of course, he doesn't mind.

**Do you feel him/her if he wanna cry ?Do you feel when he is lonely?- He knows when I am, and v.v.

**Have You ever want to surprise with something he likes to do without him asking for it?--We both do for each other, the recent suriprise I gave him was when I bought him a bike (& my money ) and had it waiting outside his work place.

**How often you hold his/her hands ? --Like every chance I get?

**How will you feel if he/she will ask you about going back to native country? -We're open to the possibility, neither of us mind, wherever we feel we both would be happiest is great!

**does he/she get angry sometimes and mad _ how do you feel ? and how you manage to calm
him/her down?--A simple touch, kiss and hug can go a long way.

**Do you blame him/her for any bad financial situation caused by him/her before entering the US?- Never relevant to us.


Love can surprise you in so many ways. One thing for sure though, ours turned out greater than what is expected of it.

Hi Again...
I Thank you all for the replies and the different ways of thinking and be truely in love ...well yes i beleive love can surprise from so many ways and can make miracles as long as you have faith in each other , and the strength to jump with your relationship to the next level till u close to make it perfect , and I also understand and beleive that theres barriers also that make it a little bit harder sometimes and makes u have the will to give up , The reason why I poste this topic not because my wife not doing her job as a wife or not beeing wonderful .. yes she is so wonderful and so amaizing .. but as i said above ... THE BARRIERS ,, Circumanstance that you stop sometimes in the middle of the way ... " Whats it " almost all of you mention beeing a homesick sometimes . Most of you knows how it feels to be that way . And it can get harder if both sides are feeling the same way .

Yes some you see leaving the country and others they dont see it this way ... but i beleive so much that yes its a sacriface .... coming to a new world trying to adjust trying to change everything .. sometimes even your skin and the color of your hair_so nobody will look at you as a black hair _ (well i didnt do that and i never will . ) but its just sometimes you want to stop other from looking at you as an alien .. which the gov call us as an aliens ... SAcriface .. its a word that u use to to make your self feel better and work hard to make it a great one .So i say to those that they dont think its a sacriface ... just make your partners feel that its a sacriface .. and you will see the result .. show him how you appreciate what he is doing and what he did .. and you will find that he will appreciate the day you was born ... will aprrecait the reasons he/she met you for . By then you both will walk this life with an immortal love ful of joy and happiness .

Just a note to correct what i said in my previous poste .... I didnt mean that u couldnt find a kind loving man in your country which made you look overseas ... i didnt mean that ... Because Know theres so many kind loving man that can be an exeple for the good husband and the good man ....And what i meant .... " As long as you found in him/her what your looking for " then apprreciate that for him ... so he can appreciate that in return for you ...

A succeful relationship it takes too to be in the right way .. and it will always need at least one to take the advance for the next steps ... so lets think about our relationship lets set and backup with our memmories ... and lets think that the time is runing ....and i will always come back to say ... Appreciation is the key to let go all the anger and loneless .

I am very happy With VJ because once i though the saying that it says "The end of real love was in 80's" But i was so happy to know that you guys have so much love for your partneers and god bless you all .. and makes 'em your forever partner ...

( By the way my wife love me very much too and I will forever appreciate all what she did and all what she is doing for me I beleve its a sacriface And I thank her for that)... and Thank you ALL

<hug>

From all of us to you.

Ramos

You definitely have a good attitude about your future!! Well said.

I liked this post!
I often think about how my husband left his country, family, friends, culture, language, life in Brazil for me. It makes me feel very blessed and loved.
We met while I was living in Brazil and we started to date there. However, I was there on a work visa and when it expired I came home. We didn't know what we were going to do at that point.
I went back as often as I could to visit as we were trying to decide who would live where.
He wanted me to stay and live in Brazil because he never had any intention of leaving his country. However, we decided it'd be better for us both if he came and lived in the U.S. He started to like the idea more after awhile and was looking forward to moving - especially once his move was becoming more realistic.
He is very happy with his decision now and does not plan on returning to Brazil to live - only to vacation and visit family/friends. He wants to make a life for us here.

I know that he misses Brazil a little bit, as well as his family, but he is glad to be here. I feel so special to know that he left everything he knew for me. I love this man so much!!

I'd do the same thing for him though. While we were waiting for the visa I promised him that if he was denied or if the visa process took more than 9 months than I'd move to Brazil and we'd get married and live there.

**Do you get mad at him/her if will go to bed late and wake up late ?
- No,no.
** Do you talk to him about his/her feelings sometimes ?
- Sure.
** How do you feel when he/she talks to his/her family more then 4 times a week? (dont think about bills because i know that will make you mad but what if he paying the bills him self )
- He talks to his family once a week, which is what he did from when he lived in Italy. Since he lived abroad from his own country (Albania) for two years before coming to the US, he was more or less used to not seeing his parents regularly, so coming here, he didn't really have to adjust in that way. I met him shortly after he arrived in Italy from Albania, and I remember he missed them a lot those first few months.
**Do you feel him/her if he wanna cry ?Do you feel when he is lonely?
- Again, since he was already living abroad, he is used to being away from his family. But the first months he was living in Italy, he missed his family a lot and we would talk about that.
**Have You ever want to surprise with something he likes to do without him asking for it?
- Yes, I do -- I try to be thoughtful and do special things for him, though I feel I sometimes fall short of the kind of thoughtful selflessness I wish I could show.
**How often you hold his/her hands ?
- Yes, very often.
**How will you feel if he/she will ask you about going back to native country?
- He doesn't really talk about going back to live in Albania, though we talk about returning to Italy a lot. As for visiting Albania, I've never been and I would love to go, and of course so would he
**does he/she get angry sometimes and mad _ how do you feel ? and how you manage to calm him/her down?
- He RARELY gets mad and when he does, 99% of the time I feel it's with good reason (i.e. he's dealt with a lot of stuff calmly before getting angry). I usually just let him be mad for those few minutes until it passes.
**Do you blame him/her for any bad financial situation caused by him/her before entering the US?
- Our financial situation is largely the result of me being fresh out of school and him being a new immigrant, so I'm making entry-level money and he's still trying to find his way in a new country. No one's FAULT; just the nature of the beast right now.
******************************Do you truely and honesly love your partners ?***********
- But, OF COURSE!
****************************Or is it because it was hard to find love in the US ****************
- Good question. To quote a very wise cartoon owl: "The world may never know..."

Good post! My fiance will be here in 1 month exactly! I am starting to feel so guilty that he is leaving the UK to be with me, so its nice to see how everyone else views the move! I've been trying to stock up on things he's said he wants etc as a "thank you for leaving your country to be with me, here's a little present" thing He's already told me that it's going to be my responsibility to keep in touch with his family, so I think if anything I'll get mad at him for not talking with them enough! I think we would definitly consider moving back to the UK. I would almost prefer it sometimes