Hi Everyone,

My husbands family forced him to file for a divorce from me, and it was granted yesterday in court in Kubwa Abuja Nigeria. My husband told me even before our marriage that, according to custom and cultural beliefs and that the elders of the family can and do have a say in younger ones lives, can do this.
Yes , my husband did file the divorce papers, but with very much pressure from his elders to do so. He says he can appeal to a higher court and have the divorce reversed.
My question here is, if the higher court does reverse the divorce, will this be a great issue when he goes for his interview for the I-130? Will explination to the consulate of why and what happened be acceptable to them?

Please, i need help and advice here, please.
Also, anyone else that has a spouse or fiance in nigeria, please contact me if you or your spouse or fiance knows anything about the reversal process of a divorce in Nigeria.

My God!!! I can't believe this is happening to us. Please pray all will be ok with us. We have waited over 3 1/2 yrs to finally be together and now after only 5 months of marriage, all this takes place.

Thanks in advance for any help or advise you can offer me.

god bless you all

sandybabe_onuh

Your husband is a grown man and if he so choses can make his own decisions no matter who disagrees with him.
He had no problem marrying you in the first place so why are the elders having
a problem with it now ?
Is he a fullah ? Muslim ? What is his religious background ?
If he is a Christian it would seem very unusual to be pushed towards a divorce.
There is enough difficulty with the Lagos embassy as it is and to explain this scenario to them will in my opinon cause a big problem. I have never read about
anything like this on VJ.
Sounds to me you are divorced now and no longer qualify for the petition and may have to start all over.
It also sounds like he no longer wishes to be married and has made his choice for whatever reason.
Best wishes and I am sorry you have to go through this after all this time !

It is not clear to me whether your former husband wishes to be married to you and pursue a spouse visa. What is clear is that at the moment you are not married. If he choses to go to a higher court and reverse the divorce, and is successful before any visa interview is scheduled then you have a husband again and were technically never divorced.

What are his plans?

If you will be put under AP/AR and they do document checks to verify
everything, this could still come up in the interview with so much bona fide trouble at Lagos
it will be a big hurdle to face the paper trail.

I'm sorry but if my husband EVER filed for divorce I don't care what pressure he was under he'd be h-i-s-t-o-r-y!!!!!

Gotta keep you head up on this one.. This is a tough situation.

Life is not a joke. Talk to your husband what he wants. If he loves you, he won't bow down to his family pressure.

I would agree on this one




If your husband's parents forced him... it was him and only him that went ahead with filing a divorce.

I love my parents dearly and respect them a lot but I would never ever bow down to pressure from anyone when it came to my family.

WOW......WOW......The only thing I say is pray, if he Loved you as much as you Love him this would have never come up. After 3 1/2 years he was getting tired of being there without you. I certainly agree with the person that said he would be H-I-S-T-O-R-Y, OUTTA HERE, WITHOUT A CHANCE IN HE** TO GET ME BACK. He can't leave you and take you back at leisure, that's not what a marriage is about. When the visa was finally approved he would have been so far away from this people so why do their opinions matter. They dont There is no way that you can't bet this will not happen again. Now I think he married you for different reason other than Love. None-the-less you still have to pray and seek God for healing that he will make this a thing of the past and a learning experience. I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope that this will not happen to no one else

I really don't know the whole situation, but your husband is an adult and needs to act like one. I don't care what my friends/family say, said or may say about my husband, he is MY HUSBAND and I love him. Nothing they can say, do, or tell me to do can change my mind on this. Your husband needed (needs) to stand up to his family. Best of luck to you

I am really, really sorry this has happened to you. The damage is done though: he filed, didn't do anything to reverse it, waited it out, and now the divorce is granted.
I'd be very wary of wanting this man in my life.

I'd think this is likely to come out through a background check by the embassy and I could see it being a problem too. I hope I'm wrong though. I also hope this man gets his act together and decides what he wants: to be an adult and in charge of his own life, or to be a slave to his family forever.

Best of luck, I do hope things work out

i feel u should talk to your husband what he wants
i am really sorry to hear all this
i really personally hate such physchotic men who care so much about thr families and doesnt care for their wife ,
prayers for you .

Ditto and Amen to that!!!

That is one of the more important questions in getting to the bottom of this. What is his religious affiliation?
If he's a Christian he is supposed to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.

Not for me to judge your husband or you. Sending good vibes and hoping you manage to encounter a solution is what I will do.
Hope it all works out, L.

I am not sure what your husband's religion and culture is? But coming from a Country with diversified culture and religion, I think I can understand his and your situation and I am sorry that this is happening to you.

First of all, the others are right, you need to talk to your husband first and find out what he really wants for his life? What his plans are? Who is more important to him- his family and culture and tradition or you as his wife? If he is still unsure and would not want to cross his family's tradition and wishes, then I think you have to make a difficult decision to let go off him. If both of you decided to work things out (and if he succeeded in his petition to reverse the divorce orders), and proceeds with your visa applications, and this sort of problems (with his family and traditions/culture) will still come up, then what will you or your husband do? The question will be is, if you can live with this being married to him? Because if this is the case, you will have to struggle with his family's tradition/culture while you're married to him.

Since I have some traditions/cultures that I follow, I have to make my husband understand what this means to me and we talk about it and agreed to compromise. So far, he have to problems with it and certainly no problems with my family.

Good Luck! The decision is yours and your (ex)-husband's to make. I know it will be tough to weigh things and decide what will be best for both of you.

You don't know what your husbands religious affiliation is?

i wouldn't waste my time on such a man if a were u to start with. He's an adult and him being forced to divorce you is a flimsy and silly excuse. Should u press ahead with the relationship, i'm as sure as death things won't work out btn u lot.
It's them kinda peeps that give Africans a bad reputation. Why should he toy with ur emotions to start with? I'm sure there too many other fine African brothers out there willing to step in his shoes.

this is classic case of "those who have heads have no hats, and those who have the hats have no heads to done it on."

I pray the good Lord sees u through this ordeal. Honestly if i were u i'd leave his sorry ### to rot in that hell on earth.

"He that findeth a good Wife findeth a good thing",but is he a good Husband????????????

[quote name='vsmtghdy' date='Jun 17 2007, 01:08 PM' post='989625']
I am not sure what your husband's religion and culture is? But coming from a Country with diversified culture and religion, I think I can understand his and your situation and I am sorry that this is happening to you.




I disagree and can not understand this happening in the Nigerian culture.
His family and elders seemed to have no problem with the initial marriage. What kind of wedding did you have there ? Was the family involved then ? Do they not understand the long visa process and think you are not following through or abandoned him ?

I would research the culture in depth and ask a lot of questions and would want to speak to his family.
Sometimes what is said to be 'culture' is just an excuse.
It seems he got tired of the long wait and does not want to confront the truth or admit that he
just gave up on the long process so it is easier to say : they forced me and that is my culture.
But I don't know that as fact of course and am only speculating.

Other than his religious background I would ask if his survival depends on his family ?
I have always encountered the opposite of sub-saharan African family, friends, elders...that of great joy and a warm welcome so this seems very odd indeed.
The OP has not posted since her initial post and therefore it is all just speculation.
It is a shame to go through this after all the hard work, expenses and hope for a future together
with someone you love. Very disappointig to say the least.

There is a saying if a man shows you who he is believe him. If someone does not want to be with
you let him go ! You deserve top priority from a man who loves you no matter what.
Be wise to differentiate between 'culture' and his character.

He have to choose..You or family

What's religion got to do with this? The OP said it was about culture.

Actually, in countries of multiple religions, there are sub-cultures that prevail within each religious group. This sub-culture often has a stronger influence over a person's values and behavior.

During the 3 1/2 years it's interesting that the elders disapproval wasn't mentioned. You would think that would have been mentioned/negotiated before the marital vows were completed.

I wish you the best of luck in being strong and going thru this storm as quickly as possible.

seems to me that he uses his elder family member to justify HIS decision of filing a divorce. NOBODY can twist his arms to force him filing for divorce!!!

Also seems to me the OP must not have liked the comments made in this thread...because she hasn't posted a single reply since starting the thread. I don't see how someone who allows anyone to influence their marital life to this extent would still be "worth" the fight....but that's just me.

-P

Green-eyed girl,

Many times the two are intertwined.

Yodrak

It sounds to me like the OP got scammed

I'm so sorry you are going through this ordeal. I can totally empathise. I have lived through aspects of this during my abusive marriage, even to the point of being hit by mother in law whilst my husband watched did nothing and blamed me. It was she who told him never to tell me about being bi-polar, pyshotic and having a schizoid personality. She hated me and the fact I was married to her precious son- well she has him back now and she can keep him.

He took her advice and after almost a year of me and my children suffering mentally, I found out during the divorce

Ultimately there are cultural differences but never, ever again would I marry a man who consistently put his parents views and opinions above those of his own wife

I dont even understand!!

How can this happen without his signature??

if he did sign... I'm sorry but it was ok with him..

I know a couple from Ghana, they were both from Ghana who were forced to divorce by the Elders. THey were devestated as they really loved each other. The problem is, if your husband is so deeply entwined in his culture and will follow their advice, in my opinion it does not bode well for a good relationship here in America. Also, I don't think she got scammed, otherwise he would have gotten the divorce after he got the visa, this is definitely a cultural thing. And may not be one that you can overcome.

Again you would think that over the past 3 1/2 years something would have been mentioned at least one time????

He's a big man, I would say talk to him to find out WHY HE SIGNS it, it has HIS signature on it, As a full grown adult, nobody can force you to sign any paperwork, I can understand all this headache before you are married, but not After both of you are husband and wife. Something sounds really FISHY with his story, all i would say is BE CAREFUL.

I've read and re-read this thread. I don't care what the cultural background may be, he knew going into the marriage what his parents thought. He needed to buck up and tell his parents to back off, he's a grown man. Sounds like another cultural copeout to me

How do you force a grown adult, capable of making his own decisions to get a divorce???
Do you put a gun to his head and drag him to the court house against his will to seek a divorce??

I think he made his own decision.

Shotgun divorce?

I'm sure this is a very difficult and upsetting situation..

Ignore all the judgments and comments and sort this out with him.

Have a heart-to-heart and decide what you both want and what is best for you.

I was under the impression that appealing a court's decision to terminate a marriage is usually related to a claimant's dissatisfaction with the terms of settlement that the court mandated and does not reverse or address the legal foundation of the marriage itself. Nonethless, it is worth a phone call. The problem, as I see it, is that the divorce was granted overseas, and to find out how, or even if it is possible, might take some knowledge of law and sifting through red tape.

Seems as though he already has.