Well, it was time for me to wake up and smell coffee...
Insomnia is a great thing... I finally browsed through all the posts here about "our case". Now it's pretty clear for me what my husband (with all your support, ladies and gentlemen!) thinks about me and why I will never be able to be the same person again.
But just for the record: has it ever occurred to you that there might have been another perspective? That I have suffered more through this than anybody? That the marriage to this greatest generous angel was no picnic from day one?
He has never told you how it was from the very beginning... How he made me drink at all these crazy parties just not to be a "party pooper", how he made me start smoking again, or how he yelled at me for being afraid of driving HIS car, that's worth more than all my healthy organs sold on the black market (I just didn't want to total the damn thing and it is a stick, I have never driven before so it was a challenge for me. Support? Nah! "You stupid... It's easy! Drive!") Has he ever told you how hard I was trying to make a perfect home for him, real home, family, dissolve myself in him, his friends, his pleasures, to be everything he wanted for him? Or how he crushed it all with not paying a slightest attention to that, not noticing me, not even trying to understand who I really was?
Or how many evenings I spent begging him to stay with me, at home, our home, instead of going to see his "drinking buddies" (he used to do it every day of the week, right after his work was done, and I would understand if they were really friends, or if it weren't every day) I didn't ask for much attention, just a couple of calm hours every once in a while to watch movies together or simply have dinner that I just cooked.
He also omitted a couple of important details about that night when things went seriously south, like how he punched me in the belly so hard that I bled for a couple of hours (and yes, it was a miscarriage, and it was his child...) or how he threw me out on the street knowing perfectly well that I was hurt badly and had no place to go (I didn't sleep for two days, just walking around the city, being too scared to join the bums)?
There was no affair at that point, or much before that night. And there was no other engagement either.
He also, I believe, didn't mention what brought me to that suicide attempt... Or what his family really said about me, both to my face and behind my back...
It's an old deal, I know, I just wanted to set things straight here, since I have only got to know about it now.
But I think, you all have set your judgment already (as well as he has, and pretty much everybody who knows his side of the story), if to believe the tone of your replies to my posts. I understand it and hereon cease my posting and delete my profile from here, 'cause apparently, no matter how hard I'll try I am not gonna get anything close to an objective opinion or advice here.
I paid my bills, he seems happy now and I'll do my best to keep him this way. I don't care what he thinks about me anymore, his point of view, as well as yours, will never change. As to me, I guess I've never been meant to be happy anyhow, and who cares? Everything is calm and peaceful (well, almost, he still gets drunk every once in a while and looks for a scandal or an "argument", so I just leave and drive around for a couple of hours till he falls asleep, whatever it takes just not to break the peace) what else can you ask for, right? Again, he is happy now so it's all good...
With all that said, I rest my case. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building...

Well all I can say from this post is my jaw dropped when I was reading it. I admit I don't follow this forum that closely, at least not enough to remember all the individual people that well (with the exception of Slim who is easy to remember ), but I always thought russ is a good guy?? At least that's the impression I got. I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles Galina, my prayers are certainly with you.

Most people are approximately as happy as they decide to be. If you don't want to be happy, there is no way that you will ever be.

I didn't follow your original story, so just reading only this post makes me wonder why you stayed with him that long if it was that bad.


How do you know what the other people here go or have gone thru?

Good luck on your fresh new start.

I was wondering why you were posting so much on here lately. Never really heard from you before, then all of the sudden... numerous posts, and now this.

It seems there is a point at which some the "VJ wives" or "FSU wives" will eventually get fed-up with their husbands and start to take out their frustrations here on the board. I remember Mrs. Satellite's diatribe, and just this week, Jewel's rant about her husband as well. It makes me wonder... what's my wife got to say about me? That aside, I understand where you ladies are coming from, and why you post your frustrations here in this forum. We are a "group of friends" of sorts, and if you're not getting your husband's attention and cooperation at home, you have to get his friends involved. Hopefully too, you can find a commonality with someone on the board and you can better deal with the situation at home.

For the most part, things here are good between my wife and I, so I'm not really in a bad relationship. But I know plenty of people that are, and that helps me to see your side of this. Once again though, I'll post my motto about relationships.... You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. If you can see yourself "getting happy" or working through the problems you're currently facing, then by all means, stay together and work it out. But if you're unhappy, (especially if you're unhappy to the point where there's physical abuse and/or suicidal gestures) then you need to be honest with yourself and your partner and decide (rationally, not emotionally) what is the best course of action for your collective future. If you're going to be able to work through your problems together, then do it. If not... don't waste your time trying to make something work just because you've been together for the last couple of years.

I don't know the whole story, and I'm not passing judgment on anyone here. What I do know is sometimes relationships get messed up, and that's just the way it goes. I also know that sometimes it looks really f'd up, and it's not that bad, and that's why people can stay together, even after significant things have happened. (Like physical abuse and/or suicidal gestures.) One of the most important things to do in these types of situations is to just be honest with yourself and to see it for what it is. Sometimes that means you need to see it from someone else's point of view, and that's why it's good that you're sharing it here on VJ.

We can't tell you what's best for you to do, but we can help you with the commonality of the situation and what we did, or didn't, do when we went through it. Please keep posting here as there are problems that all of us will face, or that maybe only one will face, but if we're able to help and support even just one of our own here on VJ, then it's worth it.

Galina, if you, or anyone else on here needs someone to talk to about anything like this, or any of the other issues that we collectively face being "FSU couples" keep posting it here, or if you don't want it on the public forums, you can PM me any time. It is important to talk about stuff like this. Make sure you do it. Do it with your S/O, if possible, and if you need more support.... we're all here!

Good luck with this, and I truly hope there is some way to work it out. I know there are bad parts in every relationship, but I know there's been a lot of good stuff posted on here as well!

There are a few facts that Galina has left out here.



I had called the police that night, because Galina was being violent, and would not let me leave. She called her boyfriend, who picked her up, and went straight to his house the next day. I had a restraining order, it was not my choice that she had to leave the house. She called me while I was seeing my lawyer and said she was bleeding. We called to have paramedics sent, but she refused medical treatment.



This was in fact a month before, when they both told me they were in love and getting married. She stayed with him, and came home early the next morning. I think that most reasonable people would consider this an affair.

Galina!!If you are unhappy WHY are you staying with him?When i read your post i couldn't believe!!
Good luck
Если тебе одиноко на душе -буду рада помочь тебе...
Я только не понимаю если он так с тобой обращается-почему вы вместе??

Russ and Galina,

Exactly WHY do you think it's helpful for you to be airing your dirty laundry in a public forum?

I will never understand why private matters have to become so public.

Jen

Jen - actually this part I do understand.... sometimes (in fact almost always) it feels good to get something like this aired out in public rather then keep it all bottled up inside. In other words it's often a relief if you can get something like this off your chest. (Bottled up emotions can tear a person apart!)

Not disputing the need to vent and heal.... just questioning the venue. Do these people have no friends, families, therapists to talk to?

Post often and post detail. The masses are being entertained.

I'll bring the popcorn!

Galina.....if it's half as bad as you say, GET AWAY FROM HIM FOR GOOD.

Galina, I am so sorry. I wish you the best of luck in wherever you go from here.

All I can say is wow.

That's not true. I can say more.

Galina, I have had some private messages from Russ in the past on some issues, long before you started posting here. All I can say is that it is obvious he cares about you and wants you in his life, based on what he told me. If you guys are having issues, it would be good to seek some professional assistance in working them out.

Cheers!
AKDiver

Well, looks like I have to reply at least for the sake of politeness...
Thank you Slim, I knew from the very beginning that you are a solid guy!
I am not upset or frustrated, at this point I simply don't care - I am too tired... He seems satisfied, emotionally, communication-wise, sexually... I am trying to live... Now I can just walk away on any scandal so we keep it down, I "smile and wave" and everything is ok.
The point of posting was that it took me so long to get to know what his perspective was and what he really though (and thinks) about me, so that was surprising...


Define happy.

Oh, yeah, stuff will be ok now that I am sort of numb to it. Thanks for everything.



I didn't start this. You were more than happy to talk about this dirty laundry with Russ some time ago, I considered it would be entertaining for you to know the other side...

I didn't start it,
you were more than happy cto discuss this dirty laundry with Russ last year, so I thought it would be fair to tell my side...

Спасибо, мне просто уже все равно... Да и потом, бить он меня больше не пытался, а остальное значения не имеет. За поддержку спасибо...

Thought so... What a sweet thing to say! But no more details, wait for my book for the whole truth

Why bother? He is happy, I'll manage... Besides, I don't believe in psychology/marriage counseling, I know the business from the inside...

Galina, don't get upset with me for doubting you, but I've having a little trouble believing this is completely true. That's criminal behavior, and if it was true wouldn't he be in jail?

I am not upset and am not going to try to prove anything. You have all possible right in the world to doubt me - you were not there (thanks for being so tactful about doubting though), believe it or not, that's my side of the story. I didn't know how to handle that situation properly (apparently, he did) so that's how things worked out for me. There is nothing more or less to say...

I am always thinking the same thing when someone has posted 3000+ times on VJ in the last year!

kaching!!! The money shot goes to Satellite. Excellent.

Damned interlopers.

Cheers!
AKDiver

Whatever it was, you both seemed to have worked things out "in your own way". You both probably have some growing up to do, I say that respectfully.

The only thing that really bothers me about your story is the mis-carriage as a result of an injury inflicted upon you. Isn't that considered murder in most states, and in others, isn't it at least a serious felony?

Chuckles as far as a murder charge goes in most states it only applies after the fetus is 24 weeks old(viablility). but it can certainly be construed as assault with intent or even attempted murder 2 due to the nature of the injury and the result( her walking out etc) if she refused medical care that is one problem but because it was possible to bleed out from the injury she could claim that she was not able to make clear decisions in her condition(kind of like getting bonked on the head and going on Jeopardy)
My heart goes out to any couple that struggles through issues and doesnt communicate openly and honestly. I hope that they both can find their happiness apart or together whichever they want.

My sister was struck many times years ago by her sons father, not a nice man and when we heard(6:30 am on sunday morning) I thought my father was going to go to prison for killing the loser. The world would be a much better place if people would not take out their anger or frustrations on each other. Always remember when you are angry count to 10, take a walk, think before acting, do anything other than striking someone else.

Cute. Perhaps you should ask Ewok to exlcude this informative forum from the list when one selects 'view new posts'. I never know what forum I'm in unless I look for clarity about a person's question. Although I there are consistent themes across some... this one in particular. I can usually guess before I even check.

I shouldn't have complained about my hubby, and I shouldn't have done it here. I regret having done that. I'm neither fed up nor frustrated, and he knows very well what I got to say about him. All the time. If I think he screwed up, I tell him that. If my husband makes me mad at times and if I think he's done something stupid, it doesn't mean I'm fed up. I do stupid things too, and he tells me that, does this mean we have a bad relationship? I wouldn't say so.

Having read some stuff on VJ, and having seen some friends of mine getting married and subsequently divorced, I can be 100% sure that I'm in a very happy marriage.

***

Galina, you are serious about that, right? This is horrible. This is not something a person should put up with. Gosh, I can't tell you what to do, but please, be safe...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter at one point (and probably will again), and I can tell you that it's a lot easier for victims of abuse to talk to strangers than friends and family.

Galya sorry but what you tell is just too horrible to be 100% believable. Just too much drama for a smart woman like yourself! You are obviously stressed and in need of professional help, however skeptical you may be about it. Believe me, it helps, even those who "know the business from within", - provided of course that they WANT to deal with their victimous behavior. PM me if you like.

First off, for all those that happen to "stumble upon our threads", welcome to the forum! I'm glad you can be entertained by the intricacies of our relationships and the problems contained therein. I'm glad you find it amusing that you can visit the forum here and view what our members are posting about real problems and real issues in their real lives. But when you "stumble upon your keyboard" and add your two pence, it's really annoying! Thanks for helping with the "K-1 applicants must submit this..." but please save the "Russian women are so spoiled by their overbearing husbands..." for your own forum. Thanks!

For everyone "at home" here on the thread....

There are issues in each relationship. All of us on here. Sometimes we do need to vent a little, and sometimes the only place where we're going to find a common bond between couples is here on VJ. Unless you hang out with a lot of Russian/American couples at home, there's probably not too many that are going to relate. We have a unique situation from most other couples here in the U.S.

However, there are similarities as well. When young people get married... there are issues! Issues that sometimes need worked out in one way or another. Sometimes they don't make the right decisions, and sometimes they do. All I know is, even young people are adults, and can make up their own minds about what they will or will not do. It seems that everyone on this forum is intelligent enough to make rational decisions. Sometimes, we need to get a little advice first, or maybe see if others are going through the same thing before we take action. Or, maybe we just need a little reassurance or piece of mind.

I hope this forum can help all of us with that. Posting our "real-world, everyday, personal problems" on here isn't really airing our "dirty laundry", it's finding a forum in which we can get the best advice possible without having those around us that know us judge us for what we're going through. Better for a VJ poster to judge us than our best friends or our own parents, children, etc. Besides, they've already judged us anyway!

Good luck to all in their relationships, and I hope that we can post what we're going through, good and bad, here in the Russia forum, and that we can help each other out.

It really irritates me when people feel they own a forum.

And it IS airing dirty laundry in a public place. If people want to do that, that's fine...but when you put a thread on a public forum which expresses marital problems, I can't see how anyone is suprised when it attracts attention. If you want to post in the 'sanctity' of a few friends only, perhaps email or a private venue is best. I'm not saying don't air the laundry....just don't be suprised when others add their '2 pence'.

I am not entertained or amused - it's incredibly unsettling and just weird to see people posting their very personal problems on a forum available to the entire world to view. I also find it frightening, especially this:



posted by someone who clearly needs marriage counseling (among other forms of help).

YIKES.

Slim, I agree with you. It annoys me that people who don't understand Russian people or culture post on a thread about Russian/American relationships. In the end we are all just people, and like Slim said there are always issues. but culture is important, and we all have some different issues than say someone who is marrying an English person...My mother is from Russia and my father from Poland, so for me it's home. I am still rather new here, but the fact that there is a place to come where people are neutral is a nice feeling, to get some advice. What Jewel said makes sense, that it may be easier for Galya to talk about what happened on this forum than with friends or family...And really she just wanted for people who were commenting on her situation last year, to read her point of view. I never saw anyone trying to "own" a forum here by the way.

Really? Define interloper.

How about posting on the Russian VJ forum when you are not directly involved in a Russian/American VJ?

I know I would view myself as an interloper if I went cruising through, say, the Chinese forum and posted opinions about what is going on with the people over there - but hey, that's just me. You do what you want, you're certainly entitled. I just think it is interesting that someone would feel the need to bother to cruise this forum and post their opinions when really, it has nothing to do with them, and ESPECIALLY when they get all judgmental on the posts of those who DO belong here.

It's kind of like posting a classified ad for pet snakes in an automotive category of the classifieds. Sure, you can do it, but people looking in the automotive category just are not interested in the pet snakes. They went looking in that category for a reason, and pet snakes are not it.

I never said or implied that *I* own this forum, but I would stay that it is, in a sense, "owned" by those who ARE directly involved in a Russian/America VJ. We don't come into this forum looking for the opinions of those who are not. There are plenty of OTHER forums where we can view such opinions.

Cheers!
AKDiver

We post in the Russia forum, as opposed to a more general forum, specifically because want discussion with our cohorts, not everyone under the sun. When we want input from the rest of you, we'll post in a more general forum, such as "Moving here and life in America" or something. Trust us. We'll let you know when we are interested in what you have to say.

The fact that many of us are telling you interlopers this and you continue to post here simply shows your lack of respect for how we feel. So, why would we want your disrespecting, judgmental posts? Dunno why this is so hard to understand.

Cheers!
AKDiver

Commenting on a wife saying her husand punched her in the stomach and caused a miscarriage goes well beyond 'cultural' difference...and one does not need to be in a US/Russa relationship to be qualified to give general advice. Do I need to be Russian to say 'that is unacceptable'? No.

And is making friends with an American or non-Russian woman that bad of an idea? To the Russian spouses like you who resent our presence in 'your' forum...did you ever think to yourself that talking to one of us might offer you another perspective? That maybe you'd feel more independant than just sitting in a forum of Russian women and the American men who give them allowances? I know that when I emigrated to England, I felt awfully alone, and welcomed female friendship as a means to find my own footing separate to my partner. Take it or leave it...just offering another perspective.



Neutral in what way? No one here is against you. Not even 'non US/R' couples.



My take on why Galina brought it up was because she noticed her husband was talking about it & wanted to give her side. I can understand that, that's natural. But I also would hazzard a guess that had Russ not brought it up, she wouldn't have either. I personally don't care if everyone puts their personal problems on here...I might wonder why, but hey, it's a free world....but again, at the end of the day, this is not a password protected area...this information is not said in some sort of secrecy...and is viewed by members and lurkers and anyone else who wants to see it. It's internet roadkill. So don't be suprised that it attracts attention.

If you want to control the flow of who sees what information, then it shouldn't be told over a loudspeaker.



may I direct you to your first two sentences? Ask yourself why it 'annoys you' that non US/R couples are posting. there's your proof.

AKDiver summed up exactly what I wanted to say. Thanks AKDiver!

Commenting on the state of political affairs in Chile doesn't require you to be "one of us" either. So what?

Of course not.

Of course it would. And if we WANT your perspective, we'll go to a general forum and ask for it. See my previous post.

And that's a shame. I wish it were. It would protect us against those who want to violate social norms. See my pet snakes argument in my previous post.

Cheers!
AKDiver

AK, thank you for proving mine and Jen's comment to Milenka about 'ownership'!

And when Ewok tells me not to post in any regional forums but the UK, then I will stop. So either find a 'safe haven' to talk in confidence, or get over it.

Cheers!
LisaD

akdiver, this is all so strange. It's an OPEN forum. There are NO restrictions on what anyone reads or responds to. Many, many people simply click on "view new posts" and read those, without concern for what "regional" forum they fall into.

If someone wants to air their personal problems and "dirty laundry" on a forum available to the entire world, they will undoubtedly get responses from people outside of the "regional" thread. It doesn't matter if anyone WANTS perspective, it's just that's the way it works. If you want a private forum, you'll have to create one.

btw, did you have a vote on this and you were elected He Who Talks For All?

lolz

And thank you, from all of those who belong here, for continuing to provide pollution on a forum where you KNOW it is not wanted. What a wonderful attitude.

Well, as you have indicated, what people in Russia want doesn't really matter does it?



In case you have not noticed, there are a number of different, regular posters, who ARE Russian-VJ oriented, all telling you the same thing. It's not just me.

Cheers!
AKDiver

Ignore is a wonderful feature...feel free to use it.

You know, the more you insist we're not welcome, the more I think I'll pay attn to this forum. I might get comfy! After all, I am a VJ member and this is VJ

This forum is so completely messed up. First of all, people post in every regional forum. A big ME/NA thread attracts people from all over (especially if it's an innocuous question thread), ME/NA-ers and UKers have been found in the Lat Am forum, I show up in the UK forum sometimes and a very personal thread anywhere will attract attention. So far, this is the only forum I've seen that is hostile to others joining. This is VJ, and there are forums available for Russian-American couples only out there on the internet.

Secondly, I have been shocked and appalled by things I've read in this forum (VAWA and me thread, for instance). Women are often treated as chattel and unapologetically told that they're valued for their looks and even when someone tells them they value something else, they really mean they like their physical appearance. The guys with wives from the Phils get a bad rap for that stuff, but it's on full display here.

I suspect THAT'S the true reason this forum is the only one out of all the regional forums that demands others stay out. They know the stuff they say would be pretty gross to an outsider.

Yes, this is typically how children think too.

Ah yes, thanks for the stereotyped views of us. As Slim pointed out in his last post, this is greatly appreciated. It's good to know that the interlopers are here to keep our morality in check, even if it is necessary to take comments out of context to do so.

Don't overlook the possibility that it could be as simple as just not caring what you think. Usually the simple explanation is the correct one (:

Cheers!
AKDiver

I read the whole thread one night last week when I couldn't sleep. Then I read other threads. What other context do I need? I'm not drawing on a stereotype; I'm drawing on what I actually read. I honestly didn't expect it. I'm sorry you feel people who aren't married to Russians are "interlopers" but if that's such an issue, use a forum other than VJ designed just for Russo-Am relationships.

Um, so what exactly do you think the VJ Russian forum is for?

Yes, VJ is for talking about all kinds of relationships, and it has many forums for doing so. This one is for stuff about the Russian process. This is a process that the interlopers are not involved in, except to the extent that, for some reason, they want to pollute the VJ Russian forum with whatever trash-talking comes to their mind. I just don't get it. Maybe I need to stir up some desire to go pollute a bunch of other forums with unrelated information, but you know, I just don't have the energy.

Cheers!
AKDiver