Well, the big move is in less than a month now, and obviously in some ways it's about damn time! I haven't seen Ewen since January and I miss him so very much. It'll be wonderful to be able to pick him up at the airport and not have to worry about saying goodbye after a week or two!

But he's got an awful lot on his plate right now, of course, and I feel, as the topic says, rather useless sitting here just waiting for him to get here. I'm trying to get the flat ready, read up on AOS and all that...but he's over there, trying to pack up his flat and have quality time with his mother and his friends, and I'm not really doing anything.

I suggested going over there for a weekend to help out (I don't have much vacation time accrued at work right now since my two trips over there), but we scuttled that suggestion, as it's a lot of money to spend for just two days or so when we probably wouldn't get much done anyhow. I know a lot of you have been able to be with your non-USC sweeties right up until the big move, but for those of you who were stuck stateside, how did you handle it? For the non-USCs who joined their sweeties stateside after doing the move solo, is there anything that your sweeties did that was especially helpful or supportive?

Thanks.

There's not too much you really can do... other that what you have already done Sit back and relax - enjoy your last few moment free to hang out with the girls whenever you want.

Oh, and it would have been a HUGE help if Dave had gotten all the AOS forms filled out to the point that it was possible to do this pre-move and pre-wedding - but I didn't expect it, which was good because it didn't happen!

How did I handle it? I slept a lot. She didn't have much time to talk since she was busy packing and typing up loose ends, so I used to come home from work and crash. I found it comforting .. the fact that the uncertainty was gone and I didn't have to worry anymore. And when I'm relaxed I sleep. A lot.

But then again I'm not the type who needs to feel useful. Useless is good in my books. Means the cosmos is taking care of itself and that's how it should be

Good luck with the wait.

Hi Abby

I remember reading a post about the USC having maps of their area for the non USC, bus routes, trains, nearby shops and stores, so they wouldn't feel so isolated during the day.

Also, is he bringing over DVD's? Can you pick up a multi regional DVD player...I think someone mentioned WalMart do them for a fairly reasonable amount. Plus, have an International calling card waiting for him, so he can call friends and family and talk away without worrying what it is going to cost.

And by the way, reading up on the AOS process is doing LOTS in my book

I totally agree with the post about getting the AOS paperwork ready.

I am the non-US citizen, but I had the whole AOS package ready to go so that all I needed to add to it was the certified marriage certificate.

We got married on August 28, 2004 and we mailed the AOS package out on August 30, 2004. We got the certified marriage certificate on the morning of August 30th, and then added it to the package, and threw it in the mail. That way, we sure enjoyed our honeymoon without having to worry about getting the paperwork done when we got back.

Good luck.

Pax... it sounds like the AOS stuff you are doing is LOADS of work...
also, i think that the suggestions that you have received are absolutely great... bus routes, maps, etc...
loved the idea about the phone cards... that will be a tremendous help i think!

As you know... Jamal and I are waiting for our noa2 at the moment... so, I don't have a whole lot that I can share... but, this is some of what I have done so far...

I have clipped coupons to use when he gets here for shampoo... deodorant, toothbrushes, toothpaste...
I have bought up some arts supplies for him... and have even gotten in touch with a friend who is on the board for several arts museums throughout southern georgia...

I have started a third job that he could help do... or even do himself... delivering the sunday morning newspaper... something to help him feel useful...

I have also searched and found some missionary projects that he could work on here in southern georgia...

He loves jigsaw puzzles... so, I have bought a couple so that he can do those when he gets here...

And... I know that when he gets here, that I will help him to unpack and put things up... hehe... i am a tidy freak...

I will keep watching this thread tho... there may be ideas that I can use...

Wishing you all the best always...
Your friend,
Lynne

That's what we did too My parents were over and we didn't want that ickky paper-work hanging over us.

Awww, thank you, everyone!

I did think about printing out the AOS forms before Ewen gets here so he can start working on them straightaway. And I've been working on a list of local "important places" like post offices, grocery stores, coffee shops, etc. with addresses and directions--all places he can walk to during the day if he wants. We're lucky in that there's quite a lot within walking distance of where we'll be living--even a mall (I work there part-time and can walk there in about 25 minutes)!

Right after we got married, we all went upstairs to get the official marriage cert...No waiting around here

I think it s good to start preparing AOS papers.
When i arrived in the US my now husband ... did make the placefeel like place home for me.
He did gave me some good placesto go during the dayand things to do while i wasn t working.
I left Ireland a week after than i got my visa... the last week in Ireland was hard for me... I had to get all things together say bye to my friends.
Well good luck

I meant to ask before rejane, where did you live in Ireland?

I would start on the AOS paperwork, most if not all the info will be a repeat from other paperwork just different forms. When Silvia came here I was in the process of retiring and Job hunting so I delayed it a few months, in hindsight that may have not been the best choice but we managed

tick.. tick... you must be so excited!

there are some great suggestions here, especially phone cards, directions etc.

I think it would have been fantastic if my now husband knew how the AOS process went, however when he offered to help i rejected his offer because it was my little project and it filled in some days spent in the apartment alone, checking and then rechecking, getting it all in order.

This suggestion may sound obvious but space is important.. and i don't mean from you! I'd visited tom three times in the place we are both now living in and it didn't bother me then, but when i looked around the last time i lobbed here (to stay, for good!) I noticed I had no where to really put my stuff... it sounds stupid but my stuff just didn't have a home, and i ended up with a suitcase full of stuff just sitting there until after we were married... recently we bought as desk with lots of storage space in it and finally i feel like i have a little space carved out for my things... and me! but we're going to need something bigger than a desk when the rest of my things arrive at the end of april! 20 boxes!

awww abby!!! don't feel useless! you've done so much and you're at the end now!! i would just sit back and relax and use this time for some deep reflection!

personally, i wouldn't 'worry' about AOS stuff straight away. but geoff and i are both type B personalities, so it just wasn't that important to use to jump right back in to immigration paperwork.

my suggestion on this one is to follow ewen's lead once he gets here. i wouldn't try to plan too much or make too many lists (not sure if he would then feel that you think he's inept to make his way around) ... but of course, you know ewen best!

and give us a call if you want to meet up for a drink at a pub!! we'll be right over!

Abby
I am the non-USC, and let me tell you your guy will have his turn at feeling useless as I am right now waiting to get to work...so it all kind of evens out in the end. My guy was frustrated not being able to do much to prepare for me, but now that I have been here for 3 months, it's my turn. I feel bad every day that I cannot contribute, especially considering I could if I had the *** EAD, as I have a job. So it will all work out. We are so glad we aren't still back waiting for the K1 to be approved....every stage has a different challenge, but it is all so much nicer when you are together, so don't feel too useless, as it sounds like you are doing a lot to help things when he is here.
Maureen

i too recommend having AOS stuff ready to go...we didn't (getting married immediately wasn't our original plan, but we decided to go ahead and do it in an attempt to secure AP so D could attend my brothers May wedding in Mexico). well the AOS paperwork process needlessly turned into a big stressor which was no fun for either of us, and it doesn't look like his AP will arrive in time anyways.

If you do all your 864 stuff before he comes over it'll be much much smoother and you won't be running around like a lunatic when he does arrive. the other forms that he fils out are really very simple.

Organization, as always in this process, is key.

BUt do remember to enjoy yourself before he comes over too...you deserve it!!

Wish we'd thought ahead a bit more!!

Thanks again, everyone!

My I-864 should be fairly uncomplicated; my income is well above the poverty levels and my taxes for 2005 are already finished, so I'll have a copy of the return to send in as well. All I need to get is an employer letter, and my boss turned it around in 24 hours when I needed it for the I-134, so that's no big deal. Right now we're undecided as to whether or not we want to file for AP; although it's unlikely we'll be back in the UK before the holidays, I'd personally rather have it done and dusted, just in case.

Bump...

It's only 3 weeks left now, and he's so stressed out and seems so unhappy. It's not that I expect him to be jumping for joy; I know he surely has a lot of mixed emotions right now...I just don't know how to help him.

I can't possibly be the only USC in this boat, aye?

*hug* abby ...

has he been able to pinpoint exactly what he's stressed or unhappy about?

Sheesh, what's there not to be unhappy about? He's trying to pack up/get rid of several years' accumulation of stuff in his flat, he's going to miss his mother, he's coming somewhere where the only people he knows are me and my friends and my family...I miss him so much and I wish he was here already, but I can't help but feel like he's not going to be happy to get here.

And I feel like a complete heel for putting him in this position, and I don't know how to make it better.

HUGS ABBY

Your not a heel Abby.

You didnt put him in any position that he wasnt willing to put himself in.

You both decided to spend the rest of your life together.

Dont beat yourself up about what he is feeling right now.

Anyone that has to move has felt those same feelings he is feeling.

He will be alright once he gets here and see's you again.

Sure he is going to miss home and his mom, but we all do.

All I can say is be there for him like you are, and listen to his feelings.

Things will be OK

Thank ya, Peggy. Gah, I'm just so worried for him, and I can't stand this feeling of just nattering about here while he's got so much going on over there.

I just want him to feel, someday--not right away, not even after a few weeks or months, but someday--that it was worth it, and that we did the right thing. I wish I could feel sure of that right now.

aye, what Peggy said! Oh, and don't take it personally or feel too guilty (I know it will be hard!) if all you hear for a while are the differences between here and there - -I found for me personally it took a while for everything to sink in, and I would talk about it a lot to Jerry. He realized it was a way for me to vent -- he knew I didn't hate the US.




It happens, I promise!

well i'm sure that you can understand where my line of questioning stemmed from. it's certainly hard to comment when you don't know what the main issue is. people experience unhappiness for different reasons when they move.

i think the first thing you should remember is to not take this personally. this is not a reflection on how he feels about you or your relationship in the least. i'm sure you're feeling a bit of nervousness as well as this will be the first time you've shared a place with a boyfriend ... there will be an adjustment period for both of you.

check out the stages of cultural adjustment. of course some experience these more than others. you know ewen the best but i'm sure that he has thought about this decision and is more than happy to come here and share his life with you. you are so in tune with how you feel and thinking about his feelings - this is a great starting point.

we're here for ya!

I'm sorry, Monique, I didn't mean to come off like I was snapping at you. I was so tired and upset last night, but I know you're just trying to help.

I'll take a look at that link you posted...thanks.

hey that's ok!!! i kept everything in perspective! i'm sorry this is upsetting for you. i wish there was some magic phrase but only time helps things like this.

it sounds so weird to say but ... the minute you guys are reunited you will both know that this was all worth it! i absolutely know that i was one of the lucky ones because geoff couldn't wait to come home and there was never any adjustment period. his mum has already been here twice in 6 months!

i think you're doing an amazing job!!! did you clear out some drawers for him yet??

Drawers? Hell, he has his own dresser! It's just a small one that I used when I was in college, but it is all his own. And he has half a closet, too (the bedroom closet takes up most of a whole wall).

well ... that's love right there!!!! a girl giving up half her closet space!!!!!

so ... does ewen like to cook? try stocking the freezer with some easy to microwave things for when you're at work during the day. is the library within walking/biking distance? he can go hang there once a week to read some magazines/newspapers.

We're very lucky to have quite a lot close by and within 30 minutes' walking distance--everything from a post office and a branch of my (soon to be our) bank to a library and a mall. I've been putting together a list of addresses of and directions to a lot of these places for him so he can jet off during the day on his own, even without a car.

I guess I just have to remind myself that I'm doing what I can, even though I feel like I should be doing more. I'm just completely at a loss for what more there could be.

There is nothing worse than WANTING to do something and not being able to (I've kind of been in the same position with my dad and his surgery...he went in the hospital again yesterday with a 102 fever), but Ewen knows that your hands are tied, at least for this part of the transition.

I think you're doing what you can to keep busy and get things organized on this end, and he will appreciate that when he gets here.

Hang in there.

mmm ok, just call me the THREAD KILLER!!!!!!!! MWhahahahaha.

I kill threads in OT all the time!

*hug* Tracy *hug*

muahahahahaha!!!! do you mind if i still call you b!tch!??! you're my favorite!

i'm a bit under the weather today and fell asleep!!! but we won't let this thread die .... we still have 21 days at least!

Hugs for Abby!

You'll be just fine. Just lay back and daydream about how glorious it'll be when he's finally there to hug and kiss again. It'll soothe any uncertainty. Remember, if you both didnt love each other, neither of you would be in this position, so dont worry about things too much.

I would call C while he was packing up and try to keep up with what he was doing, what he was packing, but without seeming intrusive. I just liked to know how much he'd accomplished, and I was quite proud. I know there was so much to do. There's no way I could have done all of that if it were me relocating. I had a hard enough time taking a new job and moving house to a city 2 hours away

As for AoS and closet space, I think you're way ahead of us already and Ewen isnt even there yet! C's been here for almost 3 months now and he still has almost half a closet and 1 drawer in the dresser.. lol!

Hang in there Abby! The wait is nearly over and it'll all be good very soon. If ya need more moral support, feel free to toss me a msg. I can tell you all about how utterly stressed I was up until his plane landed here.

--Shawna

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

If you didn't, I'd be totally crushed!! (And I would think I was losing my edge!!!

It's not that Ewen is a "mama's boy" who can't look after himself; I don't want to give that impression. It's that the closer we get, the more I feel like it's not that he has mixed feelings--it's that the feelings aren't mixed. Like I'm ripping him kicking and screaming away from Scotland. Like in the end, this is going to drive us apart because there's no way I can show him what this means to me, or give him the life we want to have.

I'm sorry to be using this space to vent, but no one else knows what I'm going through and I can't explain it to anyone else. I can't make this any better for him and everything I think is helpful is not. I feel like I will never be able to make him happy if he comes here. And I don't know how to make things right.

Oh goodness, Abby. I hope you know that you can absolutely use this space to vent. We are all here to listen and help if we can.

Why do you think you won't be able to give him the life that you want to have, or that you won't be able to make him happy? You may know the answer to this (and feel free not to share the answer if you don't want to) - but are these worries based on your assumptions, or what he has actually said? If its just your assumptions and/or fears, TALK to him about it. If its something he has said, then you still need to talk but the conversation may be completely different.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I am trying to write with about 20 people having a loud conversation behind me.

Sounds like you're beating yourself up over something that is mostly out of your control.

I think it's difficult as the USC to not feel personally responsible if your SO is unhappy once they arrive in the U.S. But I think there's really very little you can do that will have major impact. Of course preparing for his arrival is important, and he will surely appreciate your efforts, but there's nothing you can do that is going to guarantee a smooth transition.

I had the same thoughts too. But my feeling is: I'm young, Wadi's young. If things don't work out for us here, there are always other options - we could move back to Morocco, or to Europe...

If you take on the huge burden of being personally responsible for Ewen's happiness based solely on the fact that you are "ripping" him from his home country, I think you will drive yourself crazy. It is both of your jobs to make each other happy - and that's going to require as much from Ewen in his efforts to adjust as it will from you in your efforts to help him do that.

Just remember - nothing will be the end of the world.

Excellent post, jenn.