Just curious to see the general opinion on whether or not people are cool with their SO having old love letters from their past relationships.


Karoline

I voted no. Why would they need\want to when they have the love of their life now?

Because they're too far away in the basement to bother with?

(the letters, not the love of my life)

Cute

Exactly. If he/she spends endless hours poring and mooning over mementoes of former relationships, that would obviously be something to worry about. But if someone's demanding that every last trace of an ex-love is wiped away, then I think they're the one with the problem. I don't think that many people would 'need' to keep that kind of thing, but why shouldn't they? They certainly shouldn't be ordered to get rid of it all just because someone else is feeling all jealous and insecure....

agreed. and ps I love you for using the correct spelling of "to pore."
pps I also LOL'd at meauxna's post

Out of respect for the SO, letters, photos and other memorabilia should be promptly disposed of.

Excellent. Report with Alex+R for basement duty, my place, next Saturday at 10am. Can't have the no respecting carry on another 6 years!
<g>

I'll make pancakes, for Pete's sake. It'll be fun!

I have no problems with having pictures of your past relationships, but keeping love letters is just too much, I don't see why someone needs to keep love letters from people they don't love anymore, I certainly don't need to.

That's exactly how I feel. I don't have a problem with keeping photos either, but love letters I'm not okay with.

I'll explain more why I put this poll up. I received a big package from my fiance last week. Full of all kinds of random belongings. The package included a box of letters; letters and postcards from family and friends, some from me, and then about 50 or so from his ex. I think I wouldn't have been so concerned had it been just a few, but I think I freaked out a bit because it was so many.

We talked about it, and all is resolved. He said that his past relationship had been a big part of his past, and that was why he had kept them. He also said he didn't realize it would be a big deal for me but understands my point, and he has no problem getting rid of them. I guess my thinking is that I don't see the point unless you're planning to pull them out from time to time to read them and reminisce, and I don't think that would be healthy for our relationship. He was really great about it, and I know that he truly loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. For now I just put the letters up in my closet. I don't feel like it is my place to get rid of them. I myself was engaged before and I didn't throw away the engagement photos we had professionally done, but they are in my parents attic where they will more than likely stay for years and years, so I might as well have thrown them away. I suggested that he could maybe put her letters in my parent's attic with my old engagement photos. I guess, I don't mind too much if they exist, but I don't want them in our home, if that makes sense.

Anyways, I wanted to see if I was being overly sensitive and potentially insecure or if others mostly feel the same way I do.

Best wishes to all,
Karoline

I don't throw things out, and it doesn't have anything to do with respect, but just a combination of being a pack rat and liking to keep my personal history.

Should I tear up all the group photos from college because it didn't work out with a guy I dated? No thanks.

I'm lucky. I'm my SO first love. Hehehe.

That IS lucky! My fiancé was my first love 10 years ago, but then we parted ways for a few years (we were very young back then) and each were in a few other relationships. We've been back together 2 years now. I wish sometimes that we never had that time apart, but then again that has shaped who we are, so I believe everything happens for a reason. I'm just happy he is back in my life now.

This is an interesting post ... my fiance and I have had this discussion.

He came to stay at my home and noticed things around my home that I hadn't acknowledged in quite some time. He classified them as ghosts and was upset that they were not removed long before hand. The fact was was that I didn't have any shrines ... just some things that blended in with the furniture. For example ... the topping from my wedding cake that had been sitting in my freezer for 8 years lol. I just never really thought to myself ... I should throw that out.

There was a funny "Everyone Loves Raymond" episode about this exact thing .. and he now tells me that I'm living in a museum of my erotic past.

Honestly ... it's silly to believe that no one has had a life before you although there is something to be said about being respectful (like not having any shrines!!)

Karoline,
Maybe you can see why context is important.. not just the context in which you asked the question of the rest of us, but in the context of the explanation you got from your fiance.

When I first read your 'why did I post this, but before I read the explanation, my reaction was: uh-huh. Keeping old love letters is vastly different than shipping them half way round the world to my new wife's house.
Then the explanation gave context to the move and changed my opinion yet again.

Glad you two worked it out between you two and the rest of us were just here for the diversion You are welcome to come on Saturday too, and if all my old junk gets cleared out, your fiance can use my basement to keep his old crap in. Guaranteed to not be seen for 6+ years!

Wait wait, I said you could keep it! I said you could keep it! :makes sad face to attempt getting out of basement duty:

wait ... maybe they have a good wine cellar

I considered giving the whole story in the original post, but decided I wanted unbiased opinions (not specifically regarding my situation). Therefore, I purposely left off my context for a bit

Anywho, I was curious as to others opinions. I talked to my sisters about it and both of them still have a box of old mementos, and my older sister implied I may have been slightly over-reacting. So, I wanted to see what others think on the matter.

And yeah, we always work it out. It's our little pattern: he does something he doesn't realize I won't like. I over-react. I bring it up to him after I've cooled down a bit. And we work it all out. That's how I knew I had to marry him. I put up with him when he does stupid things and he puts up with me when I over-react I just can't wait until he's home again and we can add making up to the whole equation

Oh and thanks for the offer of your basement, I'll let him know he has a couple of places he can lose, I mean, store the letters.


Karoline

I'd flip a lid if D mailed me his old love letters. If they were layin around, meh no big shakes...but mailing them to me??????

I'd shred em and mail him back the bits

i keep pictures and letters of my ex for his kid with me. It doesn't mean anything to me but giving importance to his child..I only just showing to my kid that i never tried to poison her mind even her dad giving me hard time but if i wanted too, i can do it because she is 3 yrs old still.. but is her rights to know her father someday even in pictures and read his letter.. lol but my letters still in philippines

Yeah, see that was my original reaction, hehe. Thus, my sister saying that I over-react a bit. It's a good thing he's 5,000+ miles away because I had some time to cool off before I let him know how I felt about it. I was like who sends their old love letters to the woman they are marrying in a couple of months?

But...In his defense, it was a very large package with many different belongings, so it wasn't like he was just sending me a box purely of his old love letters. I chalk it up to him just not thinking that one through. He's a brilliant guy, but can be really dense sometimes I'm still crazy about him anyways

Karoline

edited for grammatical error

Wes had old love letters in his house.

I was PO'd because they were in with the rest of the mess we were sorting to bring over. I kinda felt like he could have read them, done whatever he wanted to do with them, etc. before I arrived to help pack his house out. I guess I felt it was a bit uncaring of my feelings. I hated it though when he not only threw away the letters, but a CD the girl and her band had made. I really wanted to hear them!

He has a little pewter dragon and wizard that sit by his PC here. I packed them and brought them over. They were given to him by another girl he cared deeply about. They don't bother me.

Im fine with it because those letters are from me. I AM his first love.

Pugnacious,

I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping the letters and pictures for your child. That is a completely different thing, and I definitely think that it is lovely of you to keep that sort of thing for your daughter.


Karoline

im ok with it....as long as he isn't reading them more than once or twice again in his LIFE. haha

it would be a bit weird if he was checking them out..........

Thoughts on pics in the basement: Out of sight, out of mind...It's all good!!

I don't have my memorabilia from ex. I don't with my fiance if he has. It doesnt bother me at all. I am the present and that's what matters.

Ain't gonna lie....if he mailed them to me? I'd a) throw a hissy fit Southern style tear them up and mail them back c) maybe read them first?

But, then again, she's his past. I have a past too. Though I did try to take down photos/etc of my ex before P came to visit the first time. I imagine he made sure to do the same thing. I didn't ask. I don't want to know!!!! However reasonable I sound, I'm with you Karoline, I ALWAYS over-react, he puts up with it, so I am lucky.

Hehe, yes we are lucky, but I guess that is part of a good relationship, loving each other for your good qualities and putting up with each other for the rest

Btw, jundp, I see you're new to VJ, so welcome!

Karoline

Thank you. I really should be doing work, but I spend a lot of time reading guides and checking out timelines here so I know what I'm getting myself into, paperwork wise ;-)

I guess it depends on the content of the letters. Simple "love you miss you" kind of stuff is probably not worth keeping. But what about letters of high literary quality? I would never throw away the letters from my first boyfriend, because he was such a good writer, with perfect sense of style. In fact all of my best relationships started with long literary correspondences - this history is too precious, it's about me and the people who were my friends before they became my lovers - and many of whom are still my friends. It is indeed insecure and childish to resent your SO keeping memory of someone who was close to him - not just romantically but perhaps intellectually, emotionally - as a good friend, not just a lover. You'd be depriving him of an important part of his past, which surely contributed to what he is now.

I have a box of letters from my high school boyfriend who is now a prominent architect and is still a brilliant artist. I figure if he ever becomes famous they might be worth something. I didn't bring them with me to England, though; they're in a box in my old closet at my parents' house.

Hmmm good point... my first boyfriend is a very gifted cellist... maybe I can sell our correspondence one day... hehehe that would be terrible

Really, we did not face this issue. I just had one short term BF years and years ago, and that didn't really involve love letters anyway. If I had anything from that person, I probably got rid of it soon after "breaking up"(haha so silly, so young).

It's not really common in India to have girlfriends/boyfriends before marriage, except maybe nowadays it's getting more common over there, but Sujeet did not have any love letters.

If he did have some, I would not want him to keep them. If I had some, he would not want me to keep them. I wouldn't see the point of keeping them.

I am not bothered by anything that my hubby may have that is to do with any of his ex-girlfriends. I am secure enough in my relationship to not feel threatened by stuff like that. But, everyone's different, so I guess I'm in the minority with that feeling!

I shipped over tonnes of photos when I moved over, many of my son's father. I'm not keeping them for me, however, I am keeping them for my son. I haven't looked at them properly for years. My hubby doesn't feel threatened by them being here, they are part of my past that I am keeping for my son's future.

That's a different story altogether tho

Yup. For some reason my ex had the wedding album for his wife's first marriage long after she had died. It didn't bother me in the least that he had it, though I thought it strange that he had not passed it along to his step-children since it was their parents. The marriage might not have lasted, but it's their history never the less. So I suggested that they might like to have it and they were thrilled.

As for me, I have a few photos and letters from other exes. They are part of my history, who I was, and thankfully how far I have come. I figure when I am old and grey they will be a hoot to read!

Oh, I'd never sell them; I was only kidding about that. The artwork in them is exquisite; the guy is incredibly talented. When he was in high school he used to paint the windows at the mall at Christmas. If anyone used to visit the Galleria in Dallas in 1990-1991, my HS boyfriend did those. He was a sweet guy (still is), and we do talk to each other from time to time.

I was kidding too! Besides, no matter how successful he is, I doubt someone is going to want to read his "omg i miss u" emails from 18 years of age. We are still really good friends anyway.

What happened in my SO's life before me does not matter. It's the present that matters. There are some caveats. A few years ago, I was at the house of my then girlfriend's mother. She had been married for a few years more than 20 years ago. Her mother still had his pictures on the wall. That felt a little strange (we had been together more than a year).

Another time, we're at the mall and a boyfriend of hers from about 15 years prior passes us on the escalator going the other way. Got a strange vibe from the way they greeted each other.

This isn't exactly the question asked, but there is a place for everything. I see nothing wrong with keeping the old stuff, but.......

Some time later, my SO and I are having dinner on the deck. She tells me her old boyfriend (with whom she had had very little contact for many years) is in the hospital and she wants to go see him. REAL bad vibe.

We break up a while later, I go to a friend's wedding and......my ex-SO is there with the old boyfriend.

Moral of the story: old stuff is not a problem unless the SO sends you some bad vibes.

That's what I did...all of it, in the trash!

My SO has tons of stuff from his ex. They were married for 15 years and had children! He doesn't keep pictures of her, per se: his son does in his room. She's his mother.

I have the very last card/letter (letter came inside the card) from my 3rd last BF. I keep it as a lesson on how to remember not to be duped.

From each of these people, my SO and I each have a material object that is not likely to be replaced until a better version can be obtained. My SO has a rice cooker from when he lived with his ex. He has tried out other rice cookers since and they really suck compared to this particular one. I have a sewing machine from the 3rd last boyfriend. Too long a story as to how I ended up with the thing, but I don't see the point in replacing it now until there's a good deal on a better model. (Unfortunately, the good deal on the better model is part of the problem of how I ended up with the thing).

So, I voted yes, it's okay with me. With us, there usually is a point behind each thing that is kept no matter its origin.

BYGONE Be BYGONE

I made sure to get rid off any thing that would make my wife unconfortable, and even with the best intention and the best cleaning, there are stuff that still manage to fall in the crack, as long as your partner knows you are the ONLY person that means the world to you. They know you had a past and not reminiscence that past it should be ok.

My husband and his ex-wife talk at least once a week and there's no problem whatsoever with that. It is usually due to situations with their daughter and she also gets us all our paint free and we are currently repainting the whole house. I personally really like his ex-wife and her and her new husband even came to our house-warming party.

If he was keeping love letters from her, that would be a totally different subject.

I responded yes... keeping them doesnt mean reading them... I think we all have things that sometimes we dont even remember we have!

It wouldnt bother me if my husband wanted to keep it. He married me, not the ex.

My husband and I read through our old love letters together once, we were cleaning out old stuff and came across them...

I don't mind them in a box somewhere at all, it's not like he ever looks through them, they are more than four years old and I even know the ex.

I have my box of letters (not only love letters, all letters I wanted to keep) stored in the attic of my mum's house in Germany, one day I'll go back, read through them, smile and probably through them out.

Although I have to admit, shipping them over never came to my mind.

I think everyone understands the fact their SOs probably had lives before they met each other. I know my fiancee had a boyfriend. If however, she saved letters etc, I'm not sure I would like that. What would be the reason?

Invalid poll -- needs a not applicable.