Jaime I read your story and my heart goes out to you. I am a christian myself and a born Jamaican. Sad to say I have dated non-christian and christian guys earlier in my life. The non-christians treated me better by far most times and respected me not wanting to have sex before marriage more than the christians. This really help me to know that not everyone who says Lord Lord is a real christian. No human being deserve what u r going tru, but my sister God will take care of you. My mom always say it is good, better, then best. You are at good now so it will get better and even best.. I will say a prayer for you. I am currently married to a great JA man and he treats me like a queen. So we know that not all of dem are like that but some are really"DOGS". Hang in there my sister........
All the best.
Morning everyone...
I have shared my complete story with a couple of people and some have encouraged me to share on the Yardie thread…I haven’t had the courage to do so before now but I can see that it might be helpful and felt that now is the right time. Also I have been getting a lot of questions via PM about my life and the move and just wanted to answer them all at one time...So this is my story and even if it is useful to ONE person than it is worth it.
Please note that this is a PERSONAL account and this is what is happening to ME….I am telling MY story and nothing more…
I went to JA as a missionary. I never stayed in the resorts or did the tourist thing. I stayed in a house with other missionaries the first 2 trips and the rest of the time I stayed in house with a JA pastor, his wife and numerous children. I have always stayed in a little town where I was the only white girl for many miles. I have stayed places without indoor plumbing, taken the showers under the small stream of icy water, used outhouses, gone without electricity, caught water on the roof in big containers to use for bathing and cooking (after boiling it of course), I walked everywhere I went or took taxi’s, hardly ever rented a car, stayed with Andre’s family only on the last trip all the others we lived apart, I have held down a job in JA and gone to work daily, I stayed for months not weeks or days and I can speak fluent patois. I went grocery shopping at the linstead market and cooked for the whole family at times. I had enormous responsibility and at one point I was in charge of getting a little girl (3) up and bathed…doing her hair, pressing her uniform, getting her dressed and walking her to school. I immersed myself in the way of life down there and was very much apart of everything. I knew the culture as well as anyone not born there could. I became so immersed into the community that I was the “browning”. I was treated like a local and I lived like a local. I became a part of a family and a church family. I was no longer thought of as the american in JA but as the yardie who just happens to have come from the US.
I was on my 3rd trip when I met Andre through some of my good friends. We just hung out in groups a couple of times but that was all. On the 5th trip we “officially” started dating and I went to visit 3-4 times again after that staying for MONTHS at a time. We talked on the phone for hours and did the whole LDR thing. We officially started dating on Dec. 27, 2001…engaged May 2004…visa petition March 2005…married Sept 27, 2005. So we knew each other for well over 5 years and had been dating for 4 years probably a good year and a half of me actually being there in JA. We knew each other. I thought we knew each other as much as anyone who could know each other did. We had our ups and downs as any normal relationship would have but I honestly thought that we would be together forever.
He came here and we got married a week later. Things went downhill pretty darn fast to be honest. By Christmas 2005 we were having full blown fights and he had packed his bags a dozen times (sometimes I packed for him) We fought over everything. I tried my hardest to put myself in his shoes. He started lying to me about everything, driving without a license, drinking heavily, into porn, drinking and driving (while heavily intoxicated), being gone for long hours without any notice or phone calls. He started “stealing” money even though we each agreed to give ourselves monthly “allowances” which we could each spend on whatever we wanted (trust me this “allowance” was a good amount of money). You have to realize that this is coming from the man that was a strong Christian and was even the pastor/official of the Wednesday night services at the church we attended together in JA. He had been a Christian for almost 8 years when we got married. So where did the guy I used to know go? He didn’t want to learn how to do anything the american way. I took care of all the financial stuff, all the bills and he didn’t even care to learn about it. He didn’t want to learn how to pay bills, balance a checkbook, taxes, insurance, work stuff etc…I wasn’t expecting him to do it all by himself but I just wanted him to learn how to do it so he could be of help to me and understand how to survive. Once he started working he became too tired to do anything else…unless of course it was something he wanted to do. He couldn’t come home in the evenings or stay home on the weekends and eat meals with me or go for a walk with the dog, couldn’t go to the movies or even sit and watch them with me, couldn’t go grocery shopping, couldn’t go to the movies, couldn’t go our to clubs, couldn’t go to church, couldn’t go out with our couple friends, couldn’t do anything with me because he was always “too tired” but the minute one of his buddies called him up he was out the door for hours…even after telling me 20 mins before that he was too tired to eat dinner with me or do anything else yet I would watch him walk out the door 20 mins later to be gone for hours.
Basically I chalk it up to what I like to call Married Bachelor syndrome with a touch of “kid in the candy shop”. He wanted the perks of marriage…sex, someone to clean and cook, take on all responsibility of a household, someone to work and pay bills, and be there on his terms but wanted the freedom of being a bachelor…no responsibility, partying all the time, getting plastered, going out til all hours of the night doing God knows what. He would go out and never once did it cross his mind to call me. I once came home and got the message that he would be home at 10pm…he had left at 1pm… well I waited and waited with no phone calls or anything…didn’t even have a clue where he had gone… and he finally rolls in at 2:30am wasted. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with it and I should have just gone to sleep and “not worried about a thing. He is a grown man and can take care of himself”…this happens a lot. I eventually found out that he had been borrowing money from a friend to spend on whatever and also to send to JA for his family so now Andre owes his friends tons…not my responsibility. Well one night we got into an argument and Andre had been drinking...He kept threatening me that I should “just wait and see what will happen to me” he kept saying it over and over “you just wait and see”. Well I am not one to be threatened so I got right into it and told him to “show me now…why wait?” He ended up pushing me a couple of times that night and grabbing my hand really hard and throwing me and my arm into the wall. He also raised his hand and told me that if I didn’t stop talking I “would get it”. I told him we would either go to counseling or I was leaving…that was Sept of last year (2006). We went to counseling a few times but then Andre was “too tired” to go anymore and stopped. Andre thinks that if I would just be a better wife THEN he could be a good husband. He blames everything and every action he does on me. While in counseling he admitted that he is lazy about some things (like doing things with me, talking to me, spending time doing things I like to do) and he admitted that marriage is nothing like he expected and it is a lot harder than he wanted. He is not willing (at least at this point) to change anything. We basically live separate lives now and he is totally ok with that. He disappears all the time and he has never called me to tell me that he will be late or that he is not coming home…I am just left to wonder.
I will be moving out the end of this month to my own apartment. He is incredibly ok with this and feels like with a separation it will “give him time to work on things”…more like it will make him feel less guilty of being a crappy person and treating me bad. I can’t live with someone who is verbally abusive (calls me all sorts of nasty things, threatens me), drinks too much, into porn (more than just the average), goes out at all times of the night and all days of the week…misses work because he is too hungover or leaves work in the middle of the day because “he just doesn’t want to be there anymore”. He makes no effort to talk to me or even do anything with me. I spent the last couple months trying to be selfless and make every effort to do things with him, give him his space, let him get it out of his system only to be shot down and repeatedly disappointed. He just doesn’t want to be with me or do things with me…yet he doesn’t want to be without me because its “free” sex, housework and money. Trust me there is only so much a girl can take. All of these traits are new and I didn’t see anything like this while I was in JA…there was minimal drinking, no porn, church every Sunday, church activities during the week, we ate every dinner together, spent every night we could doing stuff together or in groups. I believe that he came here and now wants to live the “american bachelor dream” He is acting just like a college student who just moved away from their parents. He even admits that…but doesn’t see it as being a problem.
So we have agreed to separate and if he gets his act together then hopefully we can resume counseling together ( I go alone right now) but if not then we will be divorcing. It isn’t something that I want…not at all…but right now he doesn’t want to be a husband…and I can’t wait forever for him to choose me and our marriage over everything else. I don’t see why he will make the effort when we are living separate when he can’t make the effort when we are living together…it will only be more work to drive over and see me or call me on the phone. He can’t bother to do things with me or talk with me now…why is he going to do it now that there will be more work involved (driving to see me, arranging things over the phone). So I am not getting my hopes up but I am keeping hope alive as much as possible.
That is just a glance into our lives…there is SOOOOO much more but I didn’t want to type it all. Hope that made some sort of sense.
I TOTALLY understand that not every guy or every JA guy is like this…Trust me I do. I am just telling you my personal experience. Any of the vets can tell you that I never saw this coming and that I honestly thought we had the greatest relationship…I even avoided the “usual” pitfalls (quick engagement, resort romance etc). Again I am just telling you all this so you see a side of the story that most don’t come back to tell. I don’t think it will happen to everyone…not at all…but it can happen and it does…it happened to me. Please save any negative or b!tchy comments to yourselves…No one needs them…especially me. Also if you have any questions or anything I am very open and willing to share.
Much Love my Yardie family,
Jamie
I hope it gets better after the first trimester. Other than that, I'm just tired - of course I'm always tired with all my crazy work schedules and working 6 days a week!
That's great that your mother-in-law offered to drive you around. That should help.
I wish I lived in Chicago!!! Does the boat sail out on Lake Michigan?
I think it sucked!! Nothing but bad news - George failing his test, Berk ditching Christina, Meredith acting as if she's breaking up w/ Derek, Izzie professing her undying love for George to no avail, etc.. I was not happy with it at all 
Don't want to be a downer but would love some prayers.
. I guess we will have to wait until July to see who is going to the Fest then. Oh well.
