I don't know how many people this is actually an issue for, but it is for me.

My mother cannot understand why and will not accept that mothers day is on a different day here - but fathers day is the same. I said I don't know, I don't make the rules!

So is this an issue for anyone else?

I told she'll have to wait till my mothers day for a card and stuff, I won't remember here!
Are you sending your charming mothers a gift now or waiting for the US version to roll around?

[b]Well....as my daughter is going to be remaining in uk ( at 21 she has her life sorted here) i suspect i will be receiving mothers day cards in March, personally i think i prefer it as i am always going to English at my very core - i think it is a personal thing - i am considering fireworks on Nov 5th and also perhaps fly the flag on st georges day!! - [/b]

""

I like the 5th nov idea..
My husband thinks its nuts that for about 3 weeks around that date you hear nothing but BANG!



Well my point to my mother was that she wouldn't be getting her lovely big fancy card (which my mother is VERY fussy about, homemade is not good enough, haha) on her mothers day as I had no way to get it!

My Mum will receive a large bouquet of flowers on sunday, I phone a local florist in my home town and she puts together a nice selection of flowers and she picks a nice card for me too... I pay by credit card....

Kez

I called my mum n told her she wouldn't be getting a mothers day card this year as a) no stores have them yet and I forgot! She didn't mind, she'll be at 35,000ft flying to New Zealand.

Flutter95 fireworks are not permitted in PA I'm afraid! You can only buy them around 4th July and even then they're not great. For the good ones, you go to Ohio... then find a nice isolated field with no neighbours and take your chances!!

Well, as your Mum lives in the UK, I would follow the UK dates instead.

This is my first year without my Mum. Feels very strange.

I think it'd be a great idea for you all to buy two MD cards this year, so that next year, you can suprise them That's what I did when I was away from my mom

*hugz* to Mags

I also agree with Mags (go fig) that being that your Mom is there, I'd observe the UK dates.

Thats what I was thinking of doing....the cards I mean.

My mother couldn't fathom that although I was sending her a present for HER mothers day, she wouldn't get a card till later, bless her.

Ask a friend to go get her a card, dictate a message to your friend, then have the card sent.

All the extra trouble will really mean a lot to your mom.

Thats a good idea....I may just have to do that
Thanks!

I bought a card last year at American Mothers day and have managed not to lose it all year !!!! It is now winging its way to the UK with a present too. The only thing that was strange was the fact that as she is 88 I felt like I was kinda tempting fate. I also send one for American mothers day too as she now has an American son-in-law and is worth two special days she likes that idea too.

I realize this might sound horrible, but my first thought upon reading this topic with our situation was 'His mother doesn't deserve anything anyway.'.

(Long story short, she's doing the same crap she did when Adam and I first got together-- playing nice to our face, then when it comes down to the nitty gritty, she's being completely unreasonable and awful and backstabbing. She had the nerve to tell her neighbor that she 'hoped he would fail his visa interview' so he couldn't move here, and that she was 'angry that he passed' (she doesn't know that we know she said this.). She followed that up with trying to make it impossible for him to book his ticket here (Taken care of thanks to her much nicer fiance who treats us like the consenting adults we are). Par for the course for this woman, though, it's just taken us off guard because we thought she got over this 3 years ago and had decided to be adult about the whole situation. So we thought.)

But I'm sure this will be one of another things for her to throw a hissy about in the future. I'll have to buy a card box and some spare mothers day cards when the time comes just so we're prepared, I suppose. Any other holiday-dates that are different that we should be considering ahead of time?

That's really sad that your future mother-in-law feels like that. My first husband's mother was just like that and it really got me down. If he forgot a certain date or didn't call every day, it was all my fault. Truth is, she was jealous of us and hated the fact I took away her little boy.

You have 3000+ miles between you and her, so a little lip service will go a long way. Good idea on keeping spare mothers day cards, that way if your SO forgets, you can say "well I remembered" (she'll hate that!)

Can't think of any other dates, I believe father's day is the same.

ETA: It's also a good idea to get all of his family members birthday/anniversary dates and put them on a calender.. saves alot of hassle!

I didnt know if I should of replied to this, as my mother died 2 years ago, it was the most heart wrenching thing I had ever gone through. I just wanted to say please just send a small card (even if you can't stand your other half's mother) you only have one and to be sure you will miss them when they are gone.

Janice

It's the same thing here. She feels like I am taking away her little boy. Little does she realize she's pushing him away with the little games she's trying to play.. which breaks my heart, even if I don't like her. I don't want him to be in a bad patch with his mum. If she wants to hate me, so be it, but she's making him suffer by putting him in the middle every chance she gets, and he's feeling completely unsupported. I've always tried to bend over backwards to make this easier for her, from waiting to file 'just a few more months' so she could see him go off to college, to planning a second wedding out of state (despite being seriously poor) so she could enjoy it as a vacation, etc, etc, but if she can't even pretend to be supportive of him, I'm not sure why I'm bothering to do things for her so much. I have to wonder if she's going to bother visiting him when he's here or if its going to be a one way street for the rest of her life. Anyhoo, I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here, aren't I? Oops!
The father's day won't be an issue for either of us as both of us lost our fathers in our early years... And at least Christmas is the same.

Great idea on the birthday date calendar. Thankfully he doesn't have a huge family but I have a horrible memory and really need to do the same thing for my own family, so I'll have him try to get that before he comes here so we can have all that sorted from the get go, and maybe will make her feel better about him staying connected to her and the other bits of family.

Ditto.

Her little boy is perma-moving to a different country. So she may not be dealing with it in the best way poss, but she is his mother. I bet when she held that iccle baby in her arms, and imagined his life, she never imagined him emigrating away.

She may be being unreasonable, but if she was half a good mother to your fiance growing up, you both should try to remember that and cut her some slack while she adjusts

Good luck!

There is no issue with Mothers Day, surely? If you usually send cards and gifts, what is to stop you now? There are plenty of cards out there that are plain so you can write your own message. Endless of flower companies too....Tescos, M&S, Next, etc. all do those fancy ones and even bunches.co.uk which are budget priced have been reliable for me in the past! Most of them come with a card for an extra few quid.

I buy 2 cards when Mothers Day comes around here. My Mum gets another one then, and I save the second one for the following year. My Mum is not in the best of health, and 70 next year, so there is always this thought in the back of my head whether she will even be around to recieve it...and that feels horrible.

It's not that hard to remember or find out the correct dates. Most diaries list International holidays and special days. No excuses for your Mum.

Jezelbel -- I agree with Lisa. Your future MIL is just finding it hard to accept her lil 'un is leaving. She is not dealing with it in the best of ways, and sounds like she's crying out for some support and attention. She needs him as much as he needs her.

Mainly I brought this up as a conversational piece, my mothers getting a gift this week and a big card from here on this mothers day, so she gets two.

I just made my mum a card, and I know that she will be more than pleased with it. It will mean more to here than a bought one anyway as I took the trouble to make it, and here in the US there are so many nice things for card making.

I've handmade cards before and they were always well received. Means just that little more if you know someone has sat down and spent some time making their own.

I almost forgot about the dueling mother's days. I was in the UK last year and FREAKED OUT on their mother's day going "oh my god, i forgot!" until i started thinking, wait a minute, mother's day isn't in march . . . . . .

it isn't a big event in my fiance's family, i don't think. but since you mention it, perhaps a card would be good!

Hehe I did the same thing!!!!! I've got to stock up on cards for next year... Paul wont even think to do anything, so its up to me to remember 2 mother's days hehe! At least she's not throwing a fit with him leaving THANK GOD! They are actually kind of excited they have a place to come visit now. Oh, and Cheeky-wolf, we've got to go to MI to get our fireworks Why is it you can buy them but not in your own state? SO SILLY!

I would do this but my mother is actually pretty...well shes not exactly QUITE normal and she actually doesn't appreciate homemade cards, she thinks I don't really care as much, I've tried the homemade before and it wasn't quite good enough, but thats ok, I'll buy TWO cards this year, sent the gift already and get a card later on

I think we will give our mothers two cards. They deserve more than one day a year so they can now have two.

The store where i work has mothers day cards in storage so i am sure most other stores will do the same. Maybe ask them if they have any lefft from last year.

As for remembering the uk one when i am in the us...my dad emailed me for one but i already knew because ads pop up on hotmail as its a uk registered account.

(((Mags)))


How can you possibly say this? Does she deserve nothing for at least bringing the man you love in to this world and raising him to adulthood; capeable and confident to make the choice to start a new life in another country......? She may not be handling the immigration process well-true-but try and see her point of view. She MUST be hurt and from your description of all this is sounds like she has mostly tried to slow or stop the actual logistics of him moving than personal attacks on you. Your fiance is still coming here and you will have a life together, so why not just try and be the bigger person and ignore her...after all she is HIS mother, let him deal with the fall out of him moving and comfort her...It's just your place to support your fiance, during his life changing move. Not join forces against his mother.



You say SHE is " putting him in the middle"...If you were NOT on opposite sides with her, there would be no middle. My advice is this-(and trust me I KNOW this is hard to do; but I believe what his mother feels is actually not that uncommon or not that difficult to understand), YOU support HIM through all of this. If he wants to vent about his mother-let him-if she wants to vent at him or her friends about his moving away-let her.
In the end he is moving here and I am sure he is aware that bad arguements and anything said before the move that is later regretted is much harder put right over the phone.
My tactic in this situation was to try and keep relationships within his family as intact as possible throughout the upheaval ( Mark's family is very close and the value they place on family is actually a part of the reason I love him), not put him in the middle ( as he has made his decision is going to be with me anyway) and NOT add to the upset they were all feeling anyway...as it would be him suffering later 1000's of miles away from them and unable to put anything said later regretted right face to face.
Be the bigger person, buy a card and thank her for having such a wonderful man who is willing to move half way around the world for you

I've always been bad at sending cards on ANY occasion (still haven't done wedding present thank yous 3 months on), so much so that if my mom did get a Mother's Day card on either the US or UK date I think she'd suspect I had joined a cult or had been replaced by a replicant.

I send on the UK date. I made my mum a card last year, wrote a nice verse in it, she was crying cause it was sad, but it was a nice verse I thought. I sent her a gift too. This year, I asked my sister to get a card for her and some flowers, and I am going to write another verse and my sister will put it in the card for me.

I guess Im greedy I will be having 2 mothers days. My Kids in the UK (students 19 + 20) have sent me their cards for the UK date, and a table is booked here for me and my husband to celebrate, I have send my mum hers plus flowers for the UK date. And my stepson (student 21) has said he would like to take me and his dad out on the US day for a meal. So Im on to a win win.

Fireworks are not allowed in NY but we have them anyway (we live in the sticks and buy out of state). Had them for 5th Nov and New Year. Also will fly the Cross Of St George along side the stars and strips on St George's day

Lyn

Wise advice, Shele, ITA

Thank you!

I sent my Mum a blank card this week for UK Mother's Day and some plants from M&S online; the US cards are not too much use in any case as she's my Mum, not my Mother nor my Mom. I have a fantastic sister who remembers to tell me when Mother's Day is in good time!

We split the middle. On the UK date she gets an ecard from Yahoo.uk.co. Annie' Brothers give her gifts on the UK date and my Annie and i on the US Date

I'll send Simon's mum an e-card - she is just fascinated by them! I sent her one for the US mother's day and she was very pleased. I've not met his parents yet - I am so looking forward to that this September.

I do love the idea of flowers from M&S, but they live in Scotland on the Isle of Lewis - any ideas??? I doubt M&S will ship to there for anything less than a fortune, if at all.

~Liza

google florists in their home town. then call them & give em your cc#

Duh - like I wouldn't do it that way for my own mom in NC!!! Sometimes my brain doesn't think right.

Thanks!!!!

~Liza

I won't go into total details here, but regarding her not 'personally attacking' me, it's quite the opposite. She's tried to break us up several times. Going through my personal belongings when she originally invited me into her home (yes, she actually broke into my luggage and went through it, including a notepad I kept with old notes which she then twisted *completely* around, lying to my fiance saying I was cheating on him), and everything else under the sun. This has been personal from the very start with her. The 'slowing the logistics' of him moving here has merely been one more last ditch attempt to derail our relationship. Par for the course.

I have tried to be the bigger person the entire time with her, I have sent her letters (long, handwritten, genuine) apologizing for what she interpreted as 'rude' behavior my first trip (which was nothing of the sort, it was her standard 'find something to complain about and blow it out of proportion'-- her complaint of rudeness was because I was shy and didn't talk a lot!), trying to mend the relationship. She sent me a nasty, spiteful, hate filled one back telling me that I don't deserve her son and that I was never welcome in their home again, and that I was 'luring him into bed', among other things.

She abandoned all chances of being adult then, so since then I have been generally avoiding her. Which, again, she feels is me being rude, when it's really me trying to maintain some level of civility with my FMIL. She will try to do little things to spark it off again, though, whenever she would be given the chance.

She IS his mother, and it is up to him how he deals with her during this, but my point remains that he shouldn't be having to deal with a fall out period from her. She is raising spite in him, and that is not the man who I know and love. He is not spiteful. So no, at this point in time, I am not fond of the example she is setting as his mother. Whereas I don't expect her to pack his bags for him and shove him out the door with a smile, she is being bitter towards him, when she should be enjoying her 'last days' with him. I am doing my best to support him and tell him I will help him through this transition, but if his mum is allowed to rant to friends, and Adam is, does that mean I am not? I feel it's better served here than telling Adam it all and making him stress over it.

I don't appreciate the idea that I am 'joining forces' against her, either. Neither of us are against her. We're just done with trying to bend over backwards for her. I'm done making this easy for her-- I'm going to get what my fiance needs done. She refuses to support him in the slightest in regards to this relationship, so I don't see a need to return the favor. As per usual, the ball is in her court.



Again, as I said, I've tried that, even in the beginning before things got rough. Thanking her for bringing such a great guy into the world, apologizing for anything she may have thought I did wrong... Throwing my humility aside and telling her I didn't want her to be angry with me (even though at that point I was still completely lost as to WHY she hated me). She returned it with a spiteful, nasty letter, informing me what a horrible person I was. That's putting it nicely. I imagine the card I would receive back this time would say I was rubbing my 'stealing' her son in her face, among other choice 'go to hell you whore'-s.

She'll still get a mothers day card, again, as I've said, but it's a damn shame that we have to be sending her a card on a certain date as a precautionary measure, so that she doesn't blow a gasket on how this is all my fault and how I have ruined her life, versus a heartfelt 'Love ya, mum! You're the best!'.

I don't expect you all to know the whole situation, but it's not as simple as some of you think it is, I'll leave it at that. Feel I'm a horrible person if you must, but not all mums/mils are created equal.

I wish we could send her flowers. His mum's specifically told me she hates having flowers sent. Choccies/Sweets/Cookies/Etc, too. What else can you order and have sent as a gift easily?

Well, Angela if all of the above is true (and I have absolutely no reason to believe it's not..so why I said that, I dunno!) I feel very sorry for you...and even worse for Adam as her son...only because I'm sure it's going to make this move SO much tougher on him. Having a Mum that is having EXTREME difficulty with the move would be hard anyway (I assume most all Mums/Dads are going to find it somewhat difficult, esp. at first!) but knowing that she is SO against it and doesn't get along with you, who he loves, on top of it....has to be extremely stressful for him.

I was very, VERY lucky to be blessed with outrageously GREAT In-laws! I'm sorry for what you're going through. M.

I don't blame anyone if they choose not to believe it. To this day, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it myself!

As much as I hate that she hates me, I'd deal with it (and have been) as long as she'd just not make him feel miserable too. This is mostly coming out because of some things she's done in the last two weeks to him-- before that things had gone back to something resembling civility for us all. Gift giving, card sending, semi-hollow greetings and messages, etc. It's hit Adam and I pretty hard. Thanks for the thoughts-- And I'm so glad most of you seem to have great relationships with your inlaws! I'm jealous, but hopefully someday (maybe when grandkids are involved! Hah!) this can all be forgotten drama.

Where in NC? I'm in NC!



Angela: sorry to hear your MIL issues. I am very very VERY happy that mine are lovely. They are sad that Chris is moving away, but they are happy that our relationship has come full circle.

However. I am terrible! I mean awful with remembering dates. So I will have to work hard at remembering 2 mothers days!

Rocky Mount - we will be there at the end of April! I can't wait!!

~Liza

Some friends Parents have a house there! Lovely area. Enjoy your visit.
I am about an hour west of Asheville in the lovely mountains!

ajames....SERIOUSLY? Sorry to butt in here...but Stewart and I met in Brevard...our first date was in Ashe-vegas We go visit every summer! Where are you up there? it's one of my favorite places in the world.

CAROLINE...I think we talked about this once before!
I went to Brevard College actually.
Very familar with all of Western NC.

From the time I was about 10 yrs old, I remember visiting N. Carolina (western)every year for about 8 years...for a week or twoin the summers. (My Dad's aunt) We would usually get over to Winston-Salem while we were there too, but we spent most of our time in the western part....this tiny town called Vale....(near Morganton/Lincolnton) but it's SUCH a beautiful area of the country..you're lucky tolive there! M.

I know Vale too.
Went to college near there as well!
It is quite lovely here.
I am happy..miss sushi in a good resturant. But I can live without it.

I'll tell you what, I get up and go to work by 7...Driving to work when the sun is just coming up over the mountains especially in the spring time is simply amazing!

And to bring it around to the topic...my mother lives in NC as well and will be celebrating the US holiday. My English mother in law will next year recieve a gift from us for the british holiday.
HOWEVER someone else will have to remind me because I don't remember ANYTHING.

SO I leave it in the hands of YOU my VJ friends to remind me next year of said holiday! Thanks!

Jezebelseven, I didn't call you a horrible person; nothing like that at all. I can empathize somewhat, really I can...This is an impossible situation and it is a shame that she does not seem able to put her son's feelings ahead of her own-and there appears to be no apparant reason for her underhanded actions. Like I said before-I do empathize
I do agree that she is NOT drawing her son closer to her at all and it seems to be obvious what her intended outcome is.....just make sure that does not happen and smother the situation with kindness ( I bet that's the last thing you feel like doing). But if your fiance is getting it in the neck over there then at least be a comforting ear here. You know?

All I can say is TRY and get through it-walk the line-do what you have to-and hopefully time ( and alot of patience) will solve this.