I am sure that Melinda and I are not the only ones going through a "Period of Adjustment" as she has finally made it here to our home in America.

I think it would be helpful for those of us who finally have our spouses here with us, to share the difficulties in adjusting to the new marriage, the language dificulties, understanding each other, how you work through problems and what the benefits are of sticking together and working through all the problems couples go through when they are first re-united in the US.

Melinda and I have already been through many, many times of missunderstanding, dissagreements, anger, pride, being humbled, saying "I'm sorry", admitting fault, compromising, and then always continuing to love each other.

How about you? What are your stories, and how do you work things out? Hopefully all of us are not giving up just because at times it is hard.

We can tell you that working through all those problems and always coming back together and continuing to love each other, is such a blessing and so fulfilling. It is what make the marriage so satisfying and what makes life so wonderful.


Rob and Melinda

The biggest things couples face is the adjustment...not only to the marriage itself...but to the fact that your spouse left everything behind to be with you. One of the things I had told my then fiancee is that "I never want you to throw it in my face that you left everything behind to be with me". He has done it a few times...and even threatened at the beginning to go home to Italy. As couples, you have to be willing to listen to each other and let the other have their chance to talk. Yelling doesn't solve anything...and my husband has learned that I will not respond to yelling. When my husband arrived here...I was already living by myself for 20 years..he was still living with his mom and dad. I have 7 brothers and sisters...he is an only child. He was used to having things done for him.....for getting his own way. I had to show him that marriage was about equally dividing household chores...and that he can very well do that for himself. It was truly hard for me...growing up in a big family that you HAD to share and you HAD to do chores, and you HAD to have responsibility. Couples have to learn to take their arriving spouse by the hand and show them that you care deeply for them...and that no matter what you will have disagreements and misunderstandings...but you will be able to work through them if you both give it a chance. My husband and I will be married for 3 years next month...and although we have had many ups and downs...we have certainly have had more ups than downs...and I could not imagine my life without him. Communicate with each other....and never leave the house or go to bed mad....those are my words of the day.

I have to say that we are blessed - we met in Germany, so we started our relationship in a language that was foreign to both of us. It is very hard to argue when you really have to think before you can say something. It allows God to slip in before you say something you might regret, and you tend to do a better job of cutting to the chase and really explaining what you aren't happy with.

Also, I lived in France for a couple of years, so for my wife to be here she has less of the feeling to have given up her home for me. We don't think we will stay here forever either, we've talked of eventually settling in Geneva or Sao Paolo or somewhere after I finish my graduate degree.

I find my self more "Francophile" now that I live in the USA again. When I was in France, I pined for the deep south....

One other positive, I now speak her language and can completely communicate with her family.

Luckily, the holy spirit doesn't need language

My husband and I have known each other going on 6 years. We were best friends for the first 4 years and then bacame a couple. When you are on vacation together it is so different. Everything is nice and pleasant. But the old saying "you don't know someone until you live with them" I think holds true for most of us.
One main issue is that some phrases have an entirely different meaning and unless we explain ourselves it turns into a disagreement. Communication is a must. Explanations are a must.
We are working through it. We have to be understanding of each other. I must admit he puts up with me and my moods a lot better that I do.
My husband is wonderful. He lets me blow and doesn't take it personally.
No relationship is perfect. It takes a lot of work, hard work. In the end it is all worth it.
I wouldn't trade this for anything..

This topic would prolly get lots more action if it was posted here

As cliche as it sounds, it definitely works for us: Laughter is the best medicine.

Luis and I have our "discussions", but when all is said and done...emotions are calm...we almost always have a good laugh over what just happened. Because usually, our arguments are ridiculous. Fortunately, we are both able to recognize that and move on.

Learn to separate the important things from the "small stuff". This is crucial.

We say "I love you" several times a day, and we MEAN IT.

We went through this nearly unbearable immigration nightmare to be together, and every time we look at each other, we are reminded why...

My thoughts exactly!!

Very well said TracyLuis!

I agree completely.

Our biggest issue has been family and friends left behind in Jamaica. We've had to sort out what were urgent issues and what are BS and, in the end, remember that we need to constantly work on being us and leave the rest of the stress far behind.

Hey some great feedback so far, hope we get many more interesting stories.

Rob and Melinda

hello,
well i still have a long way to united states but i guess i wont have much prob coz my husband is a patient one ( touchwood ) and me an impatient one

me and my husb are culturally and professionally same

i might have only problem in doing all my work myself
coz in my country its very feasibble to keep servants and all but not there in america so that will be my major adjustment issue i guess..

rest adjustment issue til date isnt a prob coz i talk to my husb 3-4 hrs whole day in yahoo messenger so we both never had any issues with ourselves as such though i keep pissing him sumtimes how long i have to wait etc..

rest i will keep posted when i am in america ..
good luck to you both rob and melinda ,
regards,
mala

One of mine & hubby's tools is to remind ourselves that we are watching each other's backs and on each other's sides. We both had marraiges previously where our spouses were looking out for #1 and completely selfish, it's a trap we don't want to fall into. Every discussion we have we communicate that to each other... I am 100% behind you, I have your back on this one. I am on your side. We don't want to ever be in a situation where we are on opposite sides. Going to bed each night with the one person who "gets you" and who is on your side is a beautiful thing. That's the way we both want to keep it for our whole lives.

I've had my share of bad days. Adjusting to the marriage and the little discussions and adapting to each other's habits would have come even if we were from the same country, but I've had really crappy days when adjusting to his country. There are days I just want to cry, I miss my family and sometimes I don't want to go see his parents 'cus I resent the fact that he can see them whenever he wants. I feel very lonely 'cus I have no friends and he works so much we don't have much time together, and when he's home he's tired and wants to stay in the house and I can't wait to get out of the house since I'm stuck in here all day by myself, just cooking and doing chores. To aggravate my situation I'm not in US but in PR, and although I am fluent in English, my Spanish is horrible, and I feel limited to do things on my own 'cus I can't communicate very well, and when I do try people look at me like I'm some sort of freak which makes me even more embarrassed (I'm brazilian so I look local, so a local that can't speak Spanish would be a freak).

All of those little things really put me down and I feel like a loser. I'm a bachelor in law but my diploma means nothing here. I have no work experience since I was living with parents before moving here and had just finished my studies. Now my GC is coming and still, my spanish is not very good and I have no prospects of finding a job any time soon which will continue to reinforce my loneliness and lack of friends and lack of ability to adjust. I always adjusted well to new situations but now it seems the ladder is too high to climb. I want to study something so I can get a new chance of a diploma that will be worth something, so I can practice my spanish and so I can make friends but we can't afford it.

I know this will pass eventually but I catch myself wishing we had moved to Brazil instead of here.

Awww Laura I think the experience you shared here is so common among those that immigrate. But you seem so aware of why you are feeling what you are feeling , that I am sure this will help you adjust much quicker than most. I wish you the best!

Thanks. I'm just having a bad day. We've been stressed out these past couple of days wishing our situation was better than it is. We're both just out of the parents's house and starting together and it's our slap in the face of financial situation and learning to live with less.

I am having a little trouble settling in here.

I am happy to be here and all. And I DO love this country.
But I am missing England. Silly stuff - the weather I used to complain about I am now craving along with foods, and people and what not.
Its all part of the adjustment, I know it'll pass.

My husband doesn't help though, he doesn't understand. I don't know why, I guess when I say I miss something about home or miss him he feels jealous/insecure and either tells me to stop being silly or gets grumpy and tells me to "go home then". Hopefully he will come to realise that it IS an adjustment no matter how much I love him/want to be with him!

We didn't live together per se before my moving here but I used to spend 3 months at a time with him, so I got to knwo all the habits that he has, and he mine.

flutter, you just came 3500 miles to come to live in a foriegn country, at a young age, to be with your husband. You need to slap him upside the head and tell him to be a bit more sympathetic.

Hi. I discovered this topic and i feel like my experience here is worth sharing with all the others like me. I came in this country in the summer of '03 and got married to my american spuse in september of the same year. We never lived together before and i never had a serious relationship prior to him. I was 21 and him 9 years older.
At first the adjustment with to the new culture hit me hard and i have experienced alot of depression. I have felt very lonely. My husband was working alot and i was at home all the time. Like Laura, i have been through the same, when he would get home, he would be so tired he wouldn't do anything. I cried alot but not in front of him. Our comunication was good, but he turned out to be a little cold and unwilling to compromise when i would ask him to help me with something. And I had no other option than to adjust and learn how to be a local.
In 3 years, he made a real woman out of me, a fighter, a survivor. I had to learn everything on my own and he told me that from the begining. I was a bit of a dependent on him, inlove and vulnerable and ready to listen to him and do what he sais. Well, he rejected that part of me and left me alone to suffer just so i can learn how get stronger. He said he did that just so i can adapt faster....he always told me: "in this country, only the strong survive and the determined succeed. I am doing this for your sake, i won't teach you anything, just so you learn something". I wanted to leave but his words made me wanna prove to him and myself that i am strong.
I have learned so much and i have been through so many harsh times, but i have wiped my tears and like a soldier i proceeded in finding a good job in a decent place, i learned English very well( every day listening to tapes) and watching tv. And now I am getting very good at Spanish too. It was hard for me to comprehand this idea but i have come to the conclusion that you can make yourself happy first and you don't need anyone's help...it's in you, it's in all of us...this power. Only after you discover how to make yourself happy, then you ask that from someone else.
My husband had a bike, he only took me once but that was it. So i learned how to ride and now i am having the time of my life on my new Sportster. I did not understand my husband at first, i was this close to leaving him and going back home. I am so happy i didn't, i am very greatful to him. He had teached me how to be together with someone and in the same time be independent, on my own 2 feet. My love for him matured and became to a more deeper level. We became best friends. Now he comes to me for advices and i am happy to give them to him:).
To everybody out there, immigrants like me,...hang on, don't give up. Love your spouses and even if you don't understand the culture, try to accept it and make it a part of you. That's the only way...keep your roots but stop comparing one culture to another. Thta was my mistake. I have come to understand that the cultures are not right or wrong, but different. And now i like it here very much and i am happy.

I guess hes just young too, well a little older than me....now wheres that frying pan?!

I am glad I came across this thread!! It's very interesting to hear that though people come to the US from all over the globe and under different circumstances, the issues that I have heard about the period of adjustment are so similar. Hubby has been here for exactly two months today. He's done extremely well given the circumstances. But still and all we have our good and bad days. I do all I can to support him and make things easier for him, because I know how it is to be a "stranger" in a foreign country. What has helped us is that we were able to spend a lot of time together in his country before him coming here. So I understand exactly what he has left by coming here to start our life together. When he starts to miss home, he can talk about things and I understand because I have been there.

We just try to treat each other *softly* and try to understand where the other is coming from,literally and figuratively. For example, when we have a disagreement hubby likes to be quiet and think before discussing, whereas I want to talk it out right away. This caused issues because he didn't want to talk right away and I wanted to hash it out immediately. However we have come to an understanding on that where I give him some time and then we talk it ALL out so there aren't loose ends. This approach has done wonders for our communication.

All in all we try to keep at the forefront all of times that we were fighting to be together when it seemed this relationship would never work due to the distance, and how after all the effort we don't want to lose what we have.

I've been here 2.5 years and I still have my moments. It hasn't helped that for most of the time I have been here, both of my parents have gone through cancer treatments, and my mother is currently going through it again. The need to see them (to make sure they are ok when they say they are ok), and the guilt I feel at times for being away from them in a time of need have been overwhelming. Fortunately, I have an amazingly patient husband who holds me when I cry, lets me vent, prays for me and with me, and has been my rock through all of this adjustment.

Unfortunately, no matter that my husband has been fantastic, he can't seem to make the ocean magically appear for me when I miss it.

Sigh...my fiance was NO HELP to me when I got frustrated with living in Mexico. He had the same reaction that flutter's husband had and I wanted to kick him in the head.

Of course, I'm much more understanding than he and am very aware of the struggles that he will go through. Although I can't comprehend yet how and when they'll happen nor how I'll react, I hope that I'm more willing to help him than he was me. But, I have always been much more self-sufficient than he is, and I think he expected me to not have down moments, as he'd never spent a moment of his life feeling like a stranger in a strange land. Hopefully he'll have more insight into why things were difficult for me, but I can't expect this level of reflection, especially when he's freaking out!

And another comment...I came back to the States and taught ESL to recently arrived immigrants so I actually went through culture shock with the, They ALL told me how miserbale they were the first 6 months, and only after a year did they start to feel better. Now it's like a support group when someone comes in and is miserable, they all give her pep talks about having gone through the same things and how it'll get better.

One woman told me that she cried every day, all day, when her husband went off to work, but now she couldn't imagine moving back to Mexico.

My fiance isn't here yet... but something the OP said struck me, about not "throwing it in your face" that he moved here and gave everything up. I don't agree with the "throwing in the face" but I absolutely positively recognize that my fiance IS giving up his LIFE - almost everything - for me! A great job, friends, family... to take this chance on our love, and our life together. It is such a huge step, and to not recognize that, and to say that often, for me, will be a mistake. Because I do recognize it and it makes me sad for him, even if he's not sad!