Hi VJers. I'm a newbie around here but I love this resource. It feels great to have virtual support since I have none from my family. I wanted to get a variety of opinions on my situation.

I'm 22 and my fiancee is 25. I met him in Sept. 2005 when I studied abroad in Ghana. We fell in love and started a pretty serious relationship quickly. I left Ghana in Dec. 2005 and have been miserable ever since I've been "home". (I now consider Ghana to be my home since I felt so comfortable there). Anyway, I've been in regular contact with my fiancee and my parents now know about me trying to help him over here but they won't help me at all. I can be cool with that and although their opinion is important, it really is my life and I realize that now.

However, my parents do think I am too young to get married. What do you all think about that? How much does age play a factor in marriage?

In my opinion, it is MATURITY that makes the difference in a relationship - NOT AGE. I know some people who are 22 who are way more mature than friends I have who are 30+. I am sorry that your parents are not willing to help you at this point. Hopefully, they will soften over time. It is your choice whom you marry, not theirs. But it makes things much nicer when everybody can get along.

My only concern for you is that you realize that there are going to be MAJOR cultural differences that you will have to overcome TOGETHER. Marriage is hard enough to begin with, but bringing two different cultures together can make it even more rough. COMMUNICATION IS KEY.

Good luck and know that us VJers will be here for you!!!!!!!
Jenn

I couldn't agree more!

GhanaLove, 22 is not too young To be honest, I expected to see a post from a 16-year old kid asking if it's okay to marry at 16

I have a sort of similar situation--I met my fiance while studying abroad in Cameroon in the spring of 2005, though I was lucky enough to go back and spend another 10 months with him in 2006. We also got into a serious relationship really quickly. I'm almost 23--and he's 5 years older than I am.

My family has been weird about the whole situation--partly because it will be an interracial marriage, partly because of the cultural differences, partly because they wanted me to marry someone Jewish, and partly because of my age. And while they aren't hindering my efforts to bring him here, they certainly aren't helping me either.

I have to echo what everyone else says--do what you feel is right. I definitely don't feel that I am "too young" or "not ready" to get married, but I know my parents, and especially my grandparents, aren't too happy about it. Oh well. I can't live my life based on that. I know I definitely haven't picked the easy road, but I'm comfortable with my choices and soooo excited to have my fiance here with me.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Akwaaba to the African Forum and Visa Journey Ghanalove..love your screen name by the way! From reading the other vjers posts, you have recieved some really good advice so far. If you strongly feel that at 22 marriage is something your ready for, taking into account the cultural differences and huge toll the visa process will take on you and your fiance, then you must follow your heart. As another vjer put it, maturity is a state of mind and not a number! Many people I have met from Ghana that are in their 20's are far more mature than people in I know in their 30's and 40's here in the states! As far as your parents are concerned, are they just saying that 22 is too young because its someone from another country that you want to be with? Forgive me if I am speculating too much on that idea... I have no idea what its like to be a parent but I am sure that they have your best interest at heart even if its not in tune with the things that make you happy....What I do know, being the youngest and only girl in my family, that my parents do worry about me and have not always supported the decisions I made..but like you, I make my choices that best suite me and eventually my parents will come to see that the choices I have made for myself are good ones. I just turned 30 this month and my parents still worry about me as if I were 18 years old and everytime they let me in on their paranoid thoughts, I just try to reassure them that, they raised me to be good person who can make good decisions for myself. I tell them that they gave me a good foundation to be a responsible adult with a good head on my shoulders and to find comfort in that somehow. --Maybe you can tell your parents something to that effect so they can somehow have piece of mind in the choice to marry someone special from Ghana.

Marrying someone from another culture sure does have its many challenges but also comes hand in hand with many joyful moments about learning about each other and discovering new things together. I wish you and your fiance the best of luck during this entire process and also wish you luck with your parents as well! Feel free to PM anytime you want to talk!

Dana0402,

Just want to wish you luck with this visa process and I also wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel about your family feels about the whole interracial relationship. My parents act the same way toward me and my poor hubby is all stressed and worried about meeting my family because he knows about their reservations toward our relationship.

Its true that choosing to love someone and petition someone so far away is not an easy road, but like many who have came and gone through this process, there are many who are happily united and living a good life together!-One day soon, your parents will see how happy your fiance from Cameroon makes you and they will come to accept him and love him as you do.

Hey, I'm in a similar situation, too! I'm 21 and my fiance is 20, and I met him while studying abroad through SIT last spring.

I haven't told my parents that the visa I'm filing for is a fiance visa... not looking forward to that talk. :-/

OMG I did SIT too! Did you love it??? I had the best time of my life. I think the SIT program is so much better than other study abroad programs (judging from my other friends that have gone abroad).

My conversation with my parents about filing for the fiancee visa came about when my father saw the receipt of acceptance that came in. He started asking questions, then talked at me and told me that he wasn't going to get in my way, but he wasn't going to help either. He doesn't think it's very wise. My fiancee's responce: Let's prove them wrong.

You have to follow your heart & do what you want.

I was married at 21 and by 24, I found myself to be quite unhappy in the choices I made. My ex wasn't a bad guy at all...just not for me...I found myself maturing and growing in a different direction. That's not to say I wasn't plenty mature...I graduated school a year early, am an only child...so I tend to gravitate towards older people as that's what I'm used to. I was more mature for my 21 years, but nowhere near mature as I am now at 32.

I've never felt so liberated after I left & I was blessed to find the REAL man of my dreams & grow into a woman who wasn't defined by 'so and so's daughter' or 'so and so's wife'. And it feels completely different when I met D as an 'adult' than when I met my ex.

Your parents are only trying to give you their insight to prevent you from doing something which may not work out. However, one cannot be shielded from making his/her own choices. It may work out, it may not...but then again, no one getting married has a guarantee. So follow your heart & do what you feel is right. Regardless of the outcome, this experience will make part of who you are. I don't regret my marriage because it led me to where I am now, which I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Good luck

Above a certain age, it's more a maturity level than an age level. (i.e., no trying to convince me a 12 year old is really mature.) Your parents are probably worried that you're so in luvvvvv with Africa and exoticizing everything after studying abroad that you're more in love with an idea than committed to a marriage.

I've know people who married at 20 or 21 because they were so sure it was the one, who were divorced by 25; I've known people who married at 21 who are fine. It's really hard to generalize.

Take your parents' concerns seriously, but don't let it dictate your life.

I was 23 when I married my husband. I known him since I was 21 years. He is almost 9 years my senior. I right now is 25 and he is 34. Some people were asking me why am I marrying an older man. To me, age did not matter then you get the others stating that I am too young to marry, especially when I was engaged at 22. I am also originally from California and my whole family knows I am in an interracial marriage. They really did not have much problem except to the unknown cultural differences.

I would of done the fiancee visa route if I knew it was quicker for my husband to get here. He has finally gotten his visa and I will be visiting Nigeria so we can go home together.

No, I never thought I was too young to get married. Over 100 years ago you will see 15 & 16 year old girls marrying in the United States and back in old Nigeria, even where my husband comes from, you will see a girl that is 15 and getting married.

My next step is to have children as my fertile years stop at 35 hehehe.

I had the best time of my life, too! I definitely think it had to do with how the program was run, because my second time in Tanzania is far less amazing, although it's still good.

I'm kind of understanding of parents' hesitations, particularly because they don't now our fiances. I'm convinced that once they meet him, they'll realize that he is wonderful and that we're legitimately in love (he isn't using me to get into the US).

My friend you are not too young to get married...I am 22 and my wife is 23 now we are facing our visa process.

i agree with everyone else !! Maturity really matters. However my first marriage was at that age and it was to a pretty good guy but as someone else mentioned in an earlier post....the marriage did not last. It was not because I found out something bad about my ex but I DID NOT KNOW MYSELF YET. I spent alot of time making sure my ex was not abusive , loving and responsible but I did not look into myself. So just think about that. But I have many friends who married at that age and most are still happily married after 10 and almost 20 years.
Good Luck

Follow your heart, sweet one. Life is a game of chance, luck and destiny. 22 is not young.

I have to agree with everyone else...it's maturity that will count in the long run. A friend of mine had to break off an engagement to a 45 year old man who was still playing games.

Not to hi-jack the thread, but I wanted to offer some advice to esjessi. It's completely unsolicited advice so take it our leave it....but I was reading what you said about not telling your folks about applying for the fiance visa. Again...take or leave it, but try to be open with your parents about your situation. What I have found in this process is that it is best to try and be open especially with your family because you need support. Your parents may not agree with your choice at first, but it's quite possible for them to come around eventually. However, to not tell them and then spring it on them after the fact, might not be a good idea either. You are obviously a grown, intelligent woman who can make her own choices, and I am by no means questioning your judgement. Someone gave me the sage advice to at least let your family know what's going on so that they can be a part of things if they choose. I actually took this advice and it has made all the difference in my relationship with my husband and parents, and with him and my family.

I absolutely agree with everything you've said. As soon as I got back to the States last Thursday, I told my mom about what I was doing. Her immediate response? "*sigh* Don't tell your father."

Having been in a homosexual relationship before and trying to hide that from my dad, I realized that it's best to be open with him, even if he gives me grief. I came back from Tanzania determined to be honest with him, but my mom's advice and my dad's general attitude have thus far swayed me from doing so. I think (hope) that once I get a job and am able to move out, I'll feel more comfortable telling him. But having to deal with his silent disapproval on a daily basis is a bit more than I can handle right now.

Excuses, excuses, I know.

Great news! I certainly understand your position though. Parental acceptance is something we'd probably all like to have, but if in the past you don't get it, you are way more hesitant to try again. At least your mother is aware and can be there for you.

Hopefully your Dad will be a bit more positive this time. And you are right it's always easier to do what you feel you have to do when you are on your own and not living under someone else's roof. Really, I wish you the best of luck! Keep us posted!!!