Hey everyone,

So recently theres been some discussion on wedding plans. Originally we had planned on getting married sometime around December, but after speaking to my parents about it they came up with the idea of having the big "real" wedding later on, and just having a court house thing in December. Main reason being because it's a bit hard for people to get away so close to the holidays to be able to come - and my Dad jokingly said our wedding gifts wouldn't be good either because no one would have money with Christmas shopping. lol.

Another thing to add to this is, my fiance's sister is getting married in October... the main reason we have to wait so long to get married because we probably could have nearly had the visa by now. We didn't want to risk him not being able to go to her wedding though!! Downfall being, he will most likely have to come over in October because with the dates right now we'll seriously be lucky if we can even hold it out until October for him to come. So, original plan was for me to go over there for his sister's wedding and he'd come back with me. He rather likes this idea my parents had though about having the big wedding on down the road. I know i've seen other people on here say similar. He wants to do this mainly because he's worried about his family having money to get over so close to his sisters wedding. Afraid she and her fiance won't have the money to come over and his parents won't have the money because they are helping his sister pay for their wedding.

I understand all that, but at the same time I keep thinking to myself the fact that if we have a court house wedding in December (because we'd have to get married or the visa would expire) and have the real thing later, will it actually have the same value? I don't want to celebrate my anniversary date from some random date we picked for the convience of everyone else - I want to celebrate it on the actual date we signed the papers and were legally married. My fiance is totally the opposite... he says he would want to celebrate it on the date we were married infront of all our friends and family, and the court house thing would just be a minor technicality. I just feel like if we wait to have the wedding it won't mean as much, feel a bit phoney. It'll just be an event to get all dressed up, take pictures, and get gifts from people that we should have already done months prior. If we go with this idea the big wedding will probably be in like March or April. The wedding will have nicer weather obviously (December in Ohio - blah). I just don't know though...

What would you do?

Ps. Sorry this is a bit long!!!

Hey there, wow, we're so similar! My fiance and I had the same arguement, though we dont have the added pressures of another wedding in the family. My fiance (he's in the UK) didnt want the church AND courthouse and I did. I gave in cause I figured he's moving here so I can give in to his wedding wants. Another option is have 2 anniversarys!!! You get another night out at least
I guess for me, having his family be able to come is the most important. In the great scheme of things I think you 2 will figure out a good solution for the 2 wedding dates if you go that way. Good luck!

My fiancee and I are doing the same thing as well. We are expecting to do the courthouse marriage after a week or 2 of him getting here hopefully in April, Our "Big" Wedding for friends, family, with dress flowers etc is July 16th.

We are in the same boat. We are having a courthouse wedding in May-ish (hopefully!) and then we will save for an "actual" wedding later on. It isn't that the courthouse isn't going to mean anything to us, but I've always wanted the dress, the cake, the family, etc., but as students we cannot afford it, nor can it be planned in such short notice.

We aren't even sure we are going to ask the parents to the courthouse as witnesses. We may make them all wait until our actual wedding, and have it just him and I that first time.

I think having the "actual" wedding later on is a great idea. After all we've been through, we deserve it! Not to mention, we deserve the gifts that go along with an actual wedding!!!

I know what you all mean too...and I kinda feel the same, but I've found a way to differentiate the two.

The first wedding...as small as it's going to be...is still going with the same amount of 'ceremony' attached to it. At first we were going to do a destination wedding (tres` chic these days, lol) like going down to Key West and getting married on the beach. But once again, we've changed our minds and are now having a simple, yet elegant affair at my parents' estate. Married in the gazebo by a friend of ours, and we're going to write the whole wedding service ourselves.

So I'll have a nice white dress and veil and he'll have his suit or tux, and they'll be a photog and the wedding march, and cake and dinner with friends. So I don't get 'cheated' out of that feeling of excitement for the actual day. The good thing is, since there's this 'other' wedding to prepare for, the pressure is off for everything to be perfect and formal, and we can tailor it around the things we like...tradition be damned! Like for instance, it's a saying of ours that we 'kill each other's moths' and once I told him I loved him 'utterly butterly' and it stuck....so we're writing that stuff in.

Then the next service will be in the UK, a bit more lavish, etc....but we're calling it a renewal of vows...so there's only ONE wedding date...tho I'mma work it that I get a gift on both days for the rest of our lives, lol.

I dunno if it's cos I'm now a lil older, or cos it's a second wedding for each of us, but the whole 'screw convention' mentality that I have now feels great & we're making this about us and not the guests....and boy does that feel good. And a big part of who we are is this trans-continental thing, so two wedding celebrations is just one more thing that's gonna set this whole thing up as being unique.

Hope that puts a different perspective on things!

Elope.

I tell ya what, we didn't elope, but we had a TINY wedding. Just me, hubby, and a couple of friends as witnesses. That was it and it was wonderful. It was OUR day and we did it exactly how we wanted it.

We didn't elope either, but we had a tiny wedding too. Just us and a couple of strangers off the street. It was fab.

Our wedding was very small. A friend hosted it at her house and it was so perfect. Hubbys parents couldnt attend the wedding, but when they came over in sept we had an informal bbq/reception here at the house. Both days were perfect.

I've had to compartmentalize all this as well. I know we'll be doing the 'courthouse' thing for several reasons (mainly so he can get AP quickly) and then a 'wedding' later. I used to feel like it would be 'phony', too - except I started to realize that seeing him standing up there, all dressed up and handsome, and me in my gown - there is nothing phony about that. Its our moment, and I think its something we deserve to have together. Whether or not we're already 'married'.

It's all paper unless and until you give it more meaning. So the courthouse is just paper to send to the US Government, and later on, it's as real and meaningful as you want it to be.

Sort of like living together vs. marriage, right? If you're committed already (like you are right now, right), then why bother with the "wedding?" Because culturally/religiously/personally, it is important to you.

At least, this is the mantra I keep repeating to myself. Over and over and over . . .

The whole situation bites, you have my complete empathy. I wish the feds would commit to the notion of real marriages involving real weddings in the country (for many couples, anyway). They want us to prove bona fide intent to marry and then they time things so we get a not-so-big wedding? Lame-o.

Look at it this way too: you get to elope AND have the wedding. You can be selfish AND still involve the family. Everyone's a winner.

We think we'll just nip off to city hall without telling anyone and try to keep it to ourselves. Not everyone understands the ins and outs of immigration law, so they don't know about the 90 requirement.

No matter what, it will be special.

We had a betrothal service in Scotland for Family and Friends (30 people) there and a Service in California (37 people) which was also the legal one.

It's not a first wedding for either of us but my first wedding was 10 adults and 2 two year olds so even though we have to do it quickly we wanted something special. Richard found us a venue where we can have a JP friend of the family come and marry us then we can have dinner with our friends.
I wanted some things to be special about my wedding so started with a fellow VJ'er here who makes fantastic cake toppers. She made us the one I'm using as an avatar and I love it. Gives me something special to keep as a reminder of the day as well.

^^ that topper has got to be a Pauline original!

You bet
I saw her toppers on here waaay back and made up my mind then that nothing else would do.
I know other people do similar toppers but Pauline's the best.
With that I have something so special to remember my wedding day and a lifelong reminder of all the help available here on VJ.

Thank you all for your replies!

I hadn't really thought about it the way a few of you have mentioned. The courthouse thing is just because we have to do it, I suppose the real wedding later on can have more meaning. My parents have already told me if I wanted we could live here until the big wedding later on. So in essence if we did that, it wouldn't really feel like we were married anyway. lol. It would feel like the numerous other times he's come to stay for 3 months . I think if we did that, we'd probably just do a courthouse thing with my parents or something and not really tell anyone about it. Most of the people probably wouldn't really know the difference. If we did that though, i'm so going to be celebrating both dates . I better at least get a dinner out on the courthouse date!! lol. I agree with the fact that after all we've been through we deserve our presents too!! haha.

I don't think we'll be eloping. My uncle had the great idea for us to go to gatlinburg, TN and get married in a cabin. lol. I don't think i'll be doing that either. I do want the big wedding, with the dress and the cake and all that. And obviously my fiance wants that too, and it is important that his family are able to come. Another bad thing about December is the fact that we'd have basically 1 date to get married... Dec 15th. We wouldn't even really get to pick the date! Because, the first week would be too close to Turkey day, 2nd weekend is his sisters birthday (i'm sure she'd want to be attending a wedding on her 16th birthday!), 4th weekend too close to Christmas. lol. Maybe we could have it the weekend before Spring break and go away to Myrtle Beach or Florida as our "honeymoon!" hehe. I wanted to go on a cruise, but that won't be happening unless we wait until after AOS. *Sigh* Why do they have to make it so hard on you? You try and do it all the "Right" way and they like penalize you!

We were going to go on a cruise too for our honeymoon until I found out about most needing a passport now etc, However I think you can still go to the Virgin Islands or Bermuda before the AOS, those 2 places dont require passorts for the cruise, not 100% sure, cause read into it a little but we really wanted to go to barbados so we just decided to wait.

Better check on that.... I go on cruises a lot (I live in FL) and as of 2007 Disney Cruise Line said that passports for USC are required for travel - and they only go to the Bahamas and the Caribbean.

I was bummed by that b/c we can't leave the country from what I understand for a couple of years... and we LOVE to go on cruises!

Your future spouse will be able to leave the country if you apply for Advance Parole while waiting for AOS to be completed. I think it takes only a few months to get AP. There's info about it on this board: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showforum=115 . The search feature isn't working for me at the moment, so I'm sorry I can't point you to anything more specific.

Re: cruising, D& I were originally getting married on a cruise...everyone was gonna fly in for it.

I was told repeatedly thru every cruiseline that a passport is needed for any cruise they make.