Sometimes I just wonder, how many of you had a miserable beginning like me when you first moved here? Thinking back now, is it getting better or worse? Did you even end up leaving?

I remember when I first moved here hubby was working a 3rd shift job so I was home by myself at night all the time. I would stay up all night because I couldn't go to sleep without him. I was always scared to be home by myself too, and I would even put hubby's AK-47 by the bed when I sleep...

Money was tight so there was no cable, no computer, no entertainment...Hubby was always tired when he was home and didn't feel like taking me to places all the time...I didn't know how to drive(was actually TERRIFIED of driving) and he had a piece of crap car...

Hubby's temper used to be real bad and I needed a lot of attentions when I first got here cos I was so lonely..LOTS of misunderstandings between me and him. We fought all the time and I packed my suitcases probably about 20 times, even knowing that I have nowhere to go...

Oh Lord our marriage was so bad we can't believe we're still together now...Thank God things have gotten so much better in so many ways I wouldn't have thought I would still be here with him by now. We realise that we have been through so much together our love is only growing stronger..

Those that did leave had a second-chance at life. A unique opportunity to make it better.

I would have to say that being stuck in the nightmare that is suburban America was like being on a merry-go-around - Target, Walmart, Steak 'n Shake. Just like Groundhog Day.

Best of luck to those that stayed.

I have to say that it was a real culture shock for me at first. My wife really supported me through it all. I had no job for 3 months, we were eating away at our savings that we brought with us and I only knew my wife's sister and her husband. I always tried to remain positive about things though(certain things in my life have given me a more positive outlook on life now). In the end it all worked out for us. I have 2 part-time jobs, more friends and I'm really enjoying myself now.

For me, I don't think I once ever considered leaving and moving back home. My parents were so worried about me for the first few months that I had made the wrong decision and their were always asking if I regretted the move and I always said 'NO'.

Ive been here for 2 months now wife is out working and am on my own all day I dont drive yet and mainly just walk to places I need to go,Im in a small town in W.A and Im finding it hard the way things are done over here everything seems to take a lot of sorting out,stuff like getting bank account,car insurance,I was looking at getting a motorcycle to get round on but even that is not straight forward as to pass your test here you have to first off own a bike with insurance but you cant get insured till you pass your test?eh,and insurance well even though I have full no claims bonus back in the U.K. it dosnt count for nothing here, bit like your credit rating,so I am classed as new driver and will have to pay the same rate as a sixteen year old(Im 50)oh and another thing they say is because we drive on the right in the U.K. that makes me a higher risk over here(what crap).
Im heading off for my written test this weekend so that will at least get me started on the road to being a fully fledged driver over here.
I suppose it will get easier and better, but it just hacks me off that you have all the good records of driving,credit,work,etc from your home country and it dosnt count for nothing here,but then I am a Brit and we like a whine dont we,but def not going back to U.K.except for me hollys,as U.k. is 10 times worse to live in than here!toodle pip

Oh my....

The first few months were ok, because we had the excitement of getting married and me learning about a whole new place. My hubby wasn't working, and I didn't have EA, so we spent a lot of time together and it was nice.

The downside was that we had very little money, so we lived on CCs and cashed-out 401(k)s and things got very financially scary. My husband couldn't find a job, so we put him back into school, and then when he came out of school he didn't work and got very depressed. My job is in sales, so my base salary is not that high and during my learning period I didn't sell enough to make enough money. We fought a lot, and it got to the point where I didn't know how we were going to get through it - but we did.

Now, 18 months down the road, things are settling down and I'm glad I'm here. There were certainly times that I wondered.

May I ask why your husband has an AK-47 in the house?????

Just in case if he ever needed it.....










just kidding....

In my part of the country it's normal to have a gun in the house(because hunting is big here).. and AK47 is really just for fun..as it's not a good hunting weapon..not that it couldn't be used... But some people..me included love to go target shoot..it's like a hobby.... So while some area's/Countries.. look at having a gun in the house as aggressive.. in my area..it's normal..and expected



I'm glad to see most so far have stuck it out here... Veronica isn't here yet..but I've been reading all I can of the problems she could face..and I want to be of support to her...and be ready for alittle crying...and craziness.

If it wasn't for the happiness and love i shared with my wife, i would have returned home in a heartbeat, and still would to this day.

I found it hard to settle in the US, being away from family and friends. The inability to do the things i once done, was also a major unsettling point. To this day, id still move back to the UK, as i have in all honesty, not made any friends and that sense of lonliness is a killer

I couldn't image that 'londonspod' had culture shock because he came from England. I came from a totally different including culture and language country. It seems I came to the world again as a new-born baby but nobody can help me like mom. I feel so lonely and helpless. Anyhow, all those gone though I couldn't say I have melted into this society. But I feel better

If it wasn't for the love I would have gone back home already. I'm here for 3 months and we too have a shortage of money so far, we're both recent graduates, hubby works two jobs so there are times in which he's at work 16 to 18 hours, those being Wednesday through Friday, and then he'll still have to work all night on Saturdays, which means he's always tired on the weekends, so we don't go out much and I pretty much stay in the house by myself. I still don't speak spanish so I feel isolated from everyone else here and although I drive, we only have one car so my husband needs it to go to work so I either have to drive him and pick him up or I stay without the car. Either way I dunno where to go most of the time, so I end up staying home. I hope I'll learn the language in time to get a job when my green card comes, and that things will be better then, 'cus my husband will be able to work less and have time to find his ideal job as opposed to working in anything just to pay the bills.

Well...
For me it was the weather, I was cold all the time, and I guess that being at home and spending some time alone didnt make it better. Then it was the fact that I found myself scared to go out on my own. I would wait for Rob to come home even to go to the supermarket (which wasnt far, but it was cold). Then the exasperation of the AOS process, I wanted (as everyone else) my EAD NOW!! I had a job lined up already, so waiting for the EAD to start working was torture. Then... It was that even though Rob was working, I was eating my saving away, that scared me.

But ... as every tunnel, there is light at the other end. I started working, hence had to start using public transportation, soon (because it was cold) we got another car so I could go to work, I hated to drive those first days, cause I didnt know where anything was, and I was terrified that if I turned at the wrong light I was going to get lost for ever...LOL.

Now, 15 months later, everything is more 'normal'. I still celebrate every time I get from point A to point B. I still celebrate that I can do certain things more 'independently' from Rob (because frankly, who wants a clingy wife???). I still have tons and tons of things to learn regarding ... well... I dunno... everything!! from certain benefits at work to... using tools for our home improvements.

I am still enjoying my ride. We never had serious money issues, and Rob's schedule was and still is pretty flexible so we spend a lot of time together. So... it was never too too bad...

I was the same way...just dunno why I was so scared to go out by myself...just felt like I was in a world that I don't belong

Yes I think Veronica will have this same problem... As she was born..and grew up in the same town.. and of course Moldova is different.. ..I asked her one night when i was there maybe we go to the Cafe...it was like at 11pm and she told me it wouldn't be safe for me..because the bad people go out at night... I'll assume she will think it's like that here...and I'll have to deal with that.. here the most that will happen is guys being fresh...hhahahahah

Yes the journey doesn't end when you step of the plane...

God bless your heart...
You know, I think if the spouse just try to be supportive, you can really get through this. But the sad part is, I do think that sometimes when the foreign spouse start having problems adjusting they just don't know how to deal with it.

I am finding it hard and I've been here (full time) about 8 months. Things will work out! reading the story's on here always makes me feel better, cause i am not alone i feel then.

We live in State College in PA, its not a little tiny town by all means but its just different (of course its going to be lol!) I am getting ready to do my written test for driving and have made 1 friend but she is moving to VA in February:(

Now i have my EAD maybe i can work.. i am not sure yet.. but one thing i do know.. i will never leave here without my husband!

I dunno, perhaps I am weird. I've been here a month now and I actually enjoy the enforced solitude. I love not having to deal with all the f**ktards that surrounded me in London. I enjoy the peace and quiet, I enjoy having time to myself to just think. I enjoy the "me" time etc etc

Unlike many others' here though, I HAVE left the house on my own, many times. I can't drive and the majority of the big stores are too far away to walk to, but the smaller ones are only ten minutes away and this IS a pretty town. Lots of big, old houses to look at, tree lined streets, quaint little areas to see etc.

I've also taken the opportunity to read, I bought some DVD's to watch AND I've started making jewellery which I am going to sell.

*shrugs*

Maybe this will change in the future, I don't know...but I do know ME and I'm feeling pretty content at the moment.

it was kind of hard for me at first because hubby worked from 2 or 3pm till 2 or 3am.... and I was stuck in our tiny little "apartment" because we didn't have a second car.... and hubby didn't really like me walking anywhere because our neighborhood wasn't the safest he said and even if I could have walked anywhere there really wasn't anywhere to walk to

our weekends sucked because hubby would work until the early morning on Saturday and then sleep till 3 or 4pm and then stay up till 2 or 3am, you get the picture...

hubby got day shift last August so that is much better... we actually can have a weekend now

We did have a second car for awhile but then it starting breaking down and it wasn't worth it to fix it.... so now we are back down to one car....

We did move last September but I don't really feel any safer in this neighborhood, so I don't get out much again....

Most weekends we go and spend a few hours with his parents... I like his parents but I would just like one weekend without his family.... sometimes spending time with his family makes me miss my family more.... I find it hard not seeing my family whenever I want...

Sometimes I feel really alone out here..... even though I live in a place where there are more people put together then in all of British Columbia, Canada...

So that is why I hang out on here with you guys....

I'm sorry it's been very hard for a lot of people.

When Sujeet first came over here, the thing that bothered him the most was waiting to work. He came Sept 2 2004 and started his first job Feb 1 2005. Not too bad compared to some people, but still 5 months until he could work. And he came from a culture that is very different than the US in so many ways. Yet he adapted well.

What I think helped in our situation a whole lot, was that we lived with my family when we were first married, for financial reasons(for about 6 months). Some people may think that sounds like an awful situation. But it wasn't. My family and Sujeet get along perfectly. We had our own area of the house, which had been a 3 car garage converted into a big room, with a bathroom in it. While I was at work, Sujeet wouldn't have to be alone unless he wanted to be. My mom was always around the house, and my dad who owns his own business would take Sujeet along for the day sometimes, just so Sujeet could get out of the house and drive around the area with my dad while he worked. My dad's job has a lot of driving around involved. My mom also could take Sujeet out during the day if she was running errands or would just take him out to lunch.

If not for great family and friends always being there if we needed them, Sujeet would have been much more lonely before starting to work. To me, having a support system is so great in situations like this. And I realize not everyone has family around or family that is so accepting and accommodating. But this is something to think about for those who are still waiting for their SO to arrive. If possible, try your best to make a support system so that while you are at work all day, they won't be totally left alone and in the house all day every day.

Sujeet has been here over 2 years now and has never gotten to the point of wanting to leave here because of adjustment issues. Yes he misses his family a lot in India, but he has never gotten depressed.

I wish the best for everyone going through hard times, and hope you feel more positive soon!

I guess I was born to be a Californian, I've taken to it like a duck to water, fantastic. Here nearly a year and time has flown. The only things I don't like are American bread - it's like cake, and homogonized milk!

It's pretty easy to get around, even without a car, and there is everything and anything that any body could want to do while waiting for EAD/Green card.

Making new friends has been fun and joining the local hiking and art appreciation associations has made it easy. I thought about joining the expats, but so far all they seem to do is meet up in the local British Pub which isn't my idea of a fun night out really. I still might do it one day though, just for the experience.

I got back into reading while I had the free time. I joined the library as soon as I arrived. Getting to know American authors and reading American novels has been great. I like it when a novel I read is set in California as I look out for the locations mentioned which is really fun.

The driving test was very easy, both written and driven. In fact, while taking the test I rolled back at a junction (manual, have always driven manual, don't like automatics ), an instant failure in England, and I told the examiner so. He just said, you'd have to crash into a police car to fail your test now

My son settled in really well too, to the point where he adopted an 'American' accent as soon as he could, which I find hilarious.

Of course, Californian weather helps.

Oh, and I am not a youngster, nor do I have a super rich husband, I just like change, or at least positive change

There are a lot of things I really like here!

I like my job, I make good money, I have my own car and when my husband travels for work during weekends I'm always on roadtrips, I like grocery stores being open all the time (takes a lot of pressure off me), I like how friendly and helpful people are, how easy it is to get around by car, I like the wide, open space etc. Lots of things!

The only thing I really miss is sharing this with friends. I went to lots of local and regional activities, classes, meetups but did not manage to make friends. The only girl I was able to do things with for a while has moved back to Europe last week. I also miss my familiy but we were always kind of distributed over the continents (my sister and her family live in China), so that's nothing new.

I moved a lot within Germany before I came here, but never had this problem before. Right now I'm at a point where I don't even want to try any more. I know I need to get my *** in gear and get out more, but I guess I'm just socially burnt out right now... We'll see what spring brings...

My husband has had a lot of ups and downs in adjusting. He will be here two years in mid April. He packed his bags once - and I wanted to pack them for him a couple of more times than that! But I would say we really had most of our struggles more because we were newlyweds than because of immigration. Plus I have children from my first marriage and he was always a bachelor with no kids that lived at home with his parents. That change alone will drive one straight up the wall!

We decided to go to counseling to improve our communication. I sincerely thought at that point we might end up divorced, which I totally didn't want. But at that point things seemed so hopeless and I felt that we must be so far apart in our thinking that we must not belong together. It didn't take too many sessions - two in fact - for us to find that we were forgetting why we were together. Why we went through this process in the first place. Our lives had become so busy with jobs and family and church and everything it takes to get through the day to day that we never made time for ourselves to be in love. BIG MISTAKE. So just by making time for each other - a date once a week - we found we could reconnect and grow closer. When we did that we found we communicated better. We spoke with a nicer tone. We considered each others feelings more. Sure issues still come up. But we've learned to work through them. (and on a side note, a date doesn't have to be long or expensive - once we went for ice cream & this past weekend we went out dancing - which only cost $5 because we went early before the cover charge and only had sodas to drink!).

I know my husband misses his family and wants to go home and visit and we are working toward that. I try to be supportive of his interests and his happiness. Everything has been an adjustment. But just remember, marriage is its own set of adjustment all by itself. My advice to anyone is don't give up. Until you have tried just as hard to save things as you tried to make this all happen, you can't walk away.

Best wishes to everyone!!!

I am doing everything I can do to ease Kumar's transition to life here - luckily I live in NYC, and don't drive myself, so everything is walkable or a subway/bus ride away. There are several Indian groceries in my neighborhood so guess who will be doing the shopping and cooking while I am at work during the day?

Also, my roommate hung out with Kumar and I in Kat so when he comes here he will already have one friend. He is on disability so he can show Kumar how to use the subway and so on...

So hopefully it will be relatively easy...

Wish I was living in a big city here because I'm from a big city...
but hubby said that big cities are usually more dangerous

Hmm, well I've been here almost three months now, and overall so far it's all been going pretty well. At the moment I'm on a 3 week break where I'm not authorized to work, so I'm at home by myself again, which isn't always fun, but I've been keeping busy going for interviews, going to the beach (guess not everyone can do that ) etc. Because we don't have a car, I've had to really make the effort to learn the metro and bus system, and even if I do say so myself I think I'm a bit of an expert now!

The only thing I've found really hard to deal with is the fact that we live in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment... with one of Ed's friends. It was the only way we could afford to have somewhere nice (didn't know when I'd be able to work etc, if I'd be able to get a job or not), and it was a really good idea in principle - we can have a bigger place, in a nicer area. The only thing is, I don't think Ed realised that I didn't really want to spend the first few months of married life living with someone else - especially someone that I don't particularly like... It's caused a few problems but I've stopped being a stroppy cow about it and tried harder to get a good job, so that we can move out sooner!

Overall living here is going well for me right now, of course I miss home, but right now it's minus something degrees and trees are being blown down so I think I'm safer in Long Beach . I think it's always going to be difficult to adjust anywhere (even moving to a different region in the UK was difficult! Although perhaps that was because it was Oxford University - not many normal people there) and you just gotta give it time.

I miss bread and bacon and curry and sausages. Hmmm, they're all bad for you, if I'm missing out on these things then why am I putting on weight???

Well - I'm just waiting to start my life in the states and I cant wait. I was there for 2 months when Jamal moved to Tucson so we decorated the apartment together, bought the furniture together - and I really feel like our apartment is my home! Even though I'm back in the UK most of my clothes and alot of my belongings are over with Jamal, hanging up in the closet! We have saved money and have enough to buy me my 1st car when I eventually get there (you NEED a car in AZ) so I'll even have my own car waiting for me (just need to pass the test - which is really not hard at all in AZ so I've concidered that done - especially since AZ allows you to keep your licence once your visa expires if you do AOS). When I was over there I met several people so I've already got my girls over there who I can go see when I need a girlie night out or a shopping trip. We've also looked into collge for me and have found that because I'll be a military spouse, Pima college will allow me to register and pay local rates, even when I havent received my greencard but going through AOS - so I'll be starting college in the fall. I'm hoping to get there in June sometime (fingers crossed) and my family will be flying out in June/July for the wedding. Also several of my friends from the UK are going to visit in August (bad for them since it'll be so hot) so I wont be bored before I start college. I feel lucky that I've had the op to spent a fair amount of time in the place that I already concider my home! I know that being in the UK is a temperary thing (even though it will be a long time!) and I just wanna get my visa and start my life in Tucson, with my bestfriend and soon to be husband (I've already started trying on wedding dresses!)

I have been here 5 years, am now a US citizen, and I still have days where it is difficult. I, like you, live in a small town but have found the people here to be wonderful. They wanted to befriend the new people in town, because we were a little "different" and have been very supportive of our current situation (long story) and we have made some great friends. But this didn't happen overnight.

I can remember the feeling of loneliness when I first got here. The cultural differences were hard, particularly because other people couldn't see them - we spoke the same language (sorta), we ate the same food (kinda), they thought it was just like moving from one state to another. Going to the supermarket would bring me out in a cold sweat! I felt like a fool as I tried to open cabinets from the other side, when I constantly pulled on door handles to get out, when I asked for things that they had different names for. It was hard and would take me four times as long as it would at home! lol I can laugh now, but it wasn't at all funny at the time.

I was upset that my daughter wasn't happy here - schooling was so different here. She did well though, after many evenings crying at the dining room table. But now she is so happy. She is in her second year of university and had many, many, friends, and she is loving the independence she has here, living in dorms, having her own car, etc.

I am thankful that I had a husband that was very supportive, did everything he could to make the transition easier. He had the patience of a saint! We had good days and bad days - have had only a couple of "major" arguments, usually through total misunderstandings. If it weren't for him, I would not choose to live in the US. I loved the place I lived in before I came here - it was only love that bought me here.

It will get easier for you, if you have the support of your husband. It can be difficult for them to see the reasons you are upset, or angry, sometimes and I think the only way round this is to talk. Talk a lot, tell him how you feel and ask for his help when you need it. Sometimes just going for a walk, when he gets home, is a good time to get everything off your chest and you will have his undivided attention.

Keep your chin up! It takes a while and some don't ever feel this place is "home" but it can come very close, if you let it.

Hugs
G.

Girona ~ Yes, all the doors open the other way here don't they? I STILL don't seem to be able to remember that!

I really missed my family and friends when I first came to the US and spent hours on the phone back to the UK. I think that didnt help me at all as I kept romanticising my life in the UK and it wasnt rosy or great at all. I did take a few weeks to settle but we didnt have the financial worries of some of the other cases I have read about so I guess we were lucky in that sense.

I am still awaiting my EAD (very soon now I hope) and really want to get out and work, but in the meantime I have been doing voluntary charity work and some courses. My husband is simply wonderful and bought me a car and Tom Tom so I could get around and wouldnt get lost! I also have bonded really well with his friends and we do have a great social life, going out 3 nights a week. The community here in VA where we live have welcomed me with open arms and I do really feel that things have completely turned around from when I first arrived.

My husband works from home and so I do not get lonely at all but I do have my own interests now too which is great for both of us. I also joined an online ex-pat group and we have met up for drinks with them. Its reallyimportant to try and integrate where you can and get out and about and meet new people and experience new things independent of your partner.

We have had a few little ups and downs but at the end of the day, as long as I have my husband I would make a life in the North Pole if I had to.

If anyone wants some websites that might help I would be happy to send the links.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do think you're really lucky that you don't have any financial worries..I think money can really cause A LOT OF problems sometimes.

Hubby and I had bad financial problems when I first moved here..and that really caused a lot of strains in our relationship.

I can't complain at all with how everything has been working out for us.

When I first moved here, we lived with my in-laws because Collin was waiting to join the Army and there was not point for us in moving somewhere just to find out that we would get stationed somewhere else after his boot camp and training. I was able to get a job right away because I got the temp EAD at JFK. After only three weeks after arriving in the USA, I started my job (it was only in a grocery store but it was something). Also, I had my license already because I was a foreign exchange student before and was able to get a US license during my exchange year. My one-year EAD came shortly after the temp EAD expired and I was lucky to continue working. Then Collin left for boot camp and things really started to move up from then. I started college, he loved his training and financially, everything was great. We bought our first new "used" car, moved into our own appartment (first time for both of us), and eventually, last summer, got stationed in Germany (where I am from).

Honestly, it was harder for me to adapt to the German life style again than it was for me to adapt to the American life style. I just love life in the USA and that's why I can't wait to go back after out three-year tour in Germany is over. Even though Collin has a deployment ahead of him, I have to say that the Army helped us a lot in establishing a good life for the two of us. Plus, Collin loves his job (medic) in the Army. He recently started college as well and I am really proud of what we have accomplished in just two years of being married!

Stef

Stef,

Nice to hear that you're doing great and good luck with the rest of your journey!

I've been putting weight on too (like there's no tomorrow)! Everyone says that you do gain a few pounds after marriage. Eek!

I've been here for about 3 months now, and I am just starting to embrace being a 'housewife'. Being unemployed was hard on me in the beginning, not because of financial reasons (we are fortunate that my husband makes decent money and that we can live comfortably on his income), but because I am the type of person who needs to feel like they have a 'purpose' (like go to work and make a living every day). I've accepted now that my purpose in life, for now, is to make a 'home' for my husband and myself.

I've moved around several times in my life (I've lived in 4 countries (now including the States) and 3 continents) so I have no problem adapting to new environments, and I am a rather independent individual. We live in an apartment complex on a hill that is a little isolated from everything. I don't have my driver's license yet (I've tried to get it but can't until I have my EAD). The bus only runs every hour, and the only things around us are basically a 7-Eleven, the county jail, and a juvenile detention centre at the bottom of the hill - not exactly what you would call places to go strolling around (it doesn't sound safe, but it actually feels safe around here). So, I've been mostly stuck at home while my husband goes to work--that's if he's in town. He travels quite a bit for work and I am fortunate that I can go with him most of the time when he's out in a different part of the country for weeks at a time. I've been to the east coast twice now since I've moved here, and we have a 3-week trip to the south next month.

Because I have been travelling with him, I haven't really made any friends out here. I have made 'friends' with some of his co-workers, but it's not the same as having a friend/support-system here, so it's a little lonely. We have no family here where we live (my relatives live 4 hours away and I've only gone to visit them once), so I feel like I am really alone out here with my husband as my only friend. As soon as I get my EAD, I plan on getting my driver's license, and volunteering at different organizations to meet people. I am tempted not to get a job as soon as I get my EAD because my husband has a business trip scheduled in the summer to go to Las Vegas for a few weeks. If I got a job, I would not be able to go with him, and I would not want to miss the opportunity of 'livin it up in Vegas'! But we'll see how it goes. If our situation in a few months calls on me to get a job, then I'll have to get one, won't I?

So, for the most part, I've been pretty content with how my life has been. I feel for those of you who are going through a really rough time. Speaking from past experience, having immigrated to 3 countries since childhood (2 with my family, 1 on my own), the adjustment period will take a while and there will definitely be challenges along your way, but soon enough, you'll get into the swing of things, you'll find ways to cope with your situation (hopefully positive), and you'll eventually find a 'happy place' in your life. Just stay strong!

Yay, second honeymoon in Las Vegas, sounds good

The lack of being able to go anywhere if you live somewhere without public transport does seem to be one of the most limiting factors of the AOS part of the process. I think it would be very hard on those who have to wait more than 6 months for their DL in those conditions. Without means to travel you are more dependant on your SO which can also prove 'testing'

Good luck to everyone going through a bad patch. As many have said, for most, it will be a bad patch and not an indication that it will not turn out great in the longer run

I completely agree. Plus, if you can't go anywhere, you can't meet people. If you can't meet people, it's harder to assimilate yourself into your new environment... you'll keep feeling like a stranger until you have people who can make you feel like you belong, and this definitely makes it more challenging to adjust.

I am happy for those that have a support system readily available to them. For those of us who have none, we have the wonderful people at VJ to be thankful for, and of course, our family and friends from where we came from... though they may be far, they are still a source of support. Let's all just hang in there... that dang driver's license will come!

Thanks to all who have posted here. Nataia interviews on February 14, and will soon be here. I really really really want this to work, so the insight you give on your difficulties and challenges will better prepare me to help her have an excellent life here.

I have lived overseas myself (Germany) with no local language skills as a 1 year exchange student (long ago), so I can empathize with the posters here. Looking back, I can see I should have left my comfort zone more to meet and interact with friends. I sat back and waited for new friends to "happen". I should have worked harder at getting myself in the mix and interacting with people, instead of always sitting on the periphery just watching. I should have initiated more interaction instead of simply just going with what came along. I have already found a Russian Orthodox Catholic church for us to attend, even though I have never been much of a church-going person. Attending will probably be good for me . Natalia was a hair stylist 5 years ago, and says she loved the work. Her spoken English is very good, even though her written is pretty poor. I know it will be important for her to have a real life unto herself ASAP - complete with her own work, money, and friends. I hope working as a hair stylist can lead to all of these things, even if she decides to progress to bigger and better things later. She is university-educated, aspirational, and speaks fluent Russian and Japanese. I know she will want to develop her life to much bigger things, and I am the same way.

Having come out of a failed marriage, I do not know for sure what makes a good marriage work. I absolutely know things that will break a marriage. Regardless of adjustment issues to a new culture, don't forget about the work that goes into a good marriage. Things I plan to give and to receive:

1. Daily tender affection. Not "morinin'-kiss-hug-pat-pat" affection. Passion. Deep loving looks into each others eyes.

2. An excellent book I read, "Too good to leave; too bad to stay", made a blindingly obvious point that had eventually escaped me in my previous broken marriage. Love is a perishable thing. It's not just a state of mind that lives on its own. You use it, and it can deplete if you don't feed it. Don't take it for granted - it CAN fade away and disappear. How do you feed it? Love is created from, and grows from, loving experiences. Don't get caught up in focusing too much on surviving life that you forget to set aside special time for each other with special things to do with each other. If you don't do this, excellent love can die. I know.

3. The dissolution of a relationship starts with a growing dissatisfaction and unhappiness on one side (at least). The dissatisfaction is often kept a secret from the other, but is expressed through "hints" instead of outright overt communication. Hints can be perceived by the other as simply a "phase". I hinted for a year before I gave up hinting. That was wrong. I should have been extra candid and clear that I needed a return of more love and affection. I had tried for a year to pre-pay love and affection by giving it myself and looking for it in return. It didn't happen. My wife was caught up in devotion to the kids and taking care of them. The more I pre-paid without getting back, the unhappier and more distant I felt. Lessons learned for my second chance with a woman that loves me deeply and shows it:
_____3.1. I'm going to try not to ever leave the "courtship" phase of the relationship. I want to remember to make real overt efforts to win her heart every day, just as I did when I first met her. I will remember to interrupt my striving for financial success to create those loving experiences. I hope she does the same.
_____3.2. I'm going to be clear and overt about my needs and irritations. No more festering secrets. I hate conflict, arguments, or even using loud voices, but I need to get past this aversion. The lack of fights and arguments does not necessarily indicate a healthy relationship. It can also indicate a relationship that has ceased to exist. I know this.
_____3.3. I'm going to pro-actively ask and seek to find out whatever might be causing Natalia to be unhappy. I want to know early so we can work on it. If you don't do this, unhappiness can fester and fix itself by destroying the relationship. Waiting for unhappiness to pass is a dangerous thing. I know this.

I don't have a loving relationship with my former wife, and have come to accept that the ingredients simply weren't there for a life beyond simple camaraderie, friendship, and two beautiful children. After year and half of despair, I met Natalia. She loves me and adores me, and I burst with happiness at the chance to love and adore her. The love and adoration is not manufactured - quite the opposite. I tried to resist my feelings for her and her feelings for me because I wanted to be a "good man" and a good husband. The feelings between me and Natalia have always just been too strong to quash. Despite a previous life judged very successful by most Americans (career success, expensive home in Florida, beautiful children, no financial worries, etc.), I could not avoid acting on my strong feelings. Camaraderie and success are nice, but I can't live the rest of my life without giving and receiving a lot of love and affection. Maybe others don't need this as much as I do, but I am glad to have found this beautiful woman that does.

BTW - I gave away everything voluntarily to my ex - probably just an attempt to satisfy the guilt of not being a "good man". I'm starting over from scratch in an empty apartment and trying to learn from the experience. I now spend 10 times as much time with my beautiful young children (1 and 3) since the divorce in July. I get joy from them I never knew before. I actually prefer my time with them over travel and work - which I used to "live" for. I'm going to really work at maintaining these fairytale feelings I have had with Natalia for over a year. If she does the same, I hope we can live in bliss forever, even if bliss means a few heated arguments.

I do not offer these personal observations as expert advice. I've proved to myself I didn't know crap about making a good life before, and I can only hope I have learned a few good things to have a good life in the future. If anyone reads the above comments and can give further recommendations, I welcome the advice. I want to learn to do better.

I can relate...and totally agree on "Everything" you said... and your totally right that love is perishable.. as I lived a very similar fate as you did with your Ex...and for about the same reasons you listed..
We both got caught up on who was giving more love/affection.. and be both begin to feel abused..
I also gave everything up..and for the same reasons....
And how I feel about Veronica and our relationship..you took the words right out of my mouth....

I hope others... really read this.. and beleive... because we lost our love after 32 years.. So nothing is written in stone, only if you work on it..daily!!

Thanks. It feels mighty good to have company right now. Sometimes I wake up amazed at how completely unglued my life has become. I had to make the decision to tear down the building, buy a new lot, and start again. The other building was built on a sink hole. Just couldn't see it from the outside. Remember the group, "The Talking Heads"from the 80's? "This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here? My God, what have I done?" Have to keep reminding myself how I feel when I am with Natalia.

I do the same.... Daily I have to remind myself of all the affection and love Veronica has...how she also touches my face as we kiss (it's this a europe thing ? as I saw the samething in your wedding pic's)

I haven't been with Veronica Since Aug.. and I thank God Daily for those little 30-50 sec movies I took with my Digital Camera....It reminds me of what I'm waiting for..

I'm thinking our interviews with be very close together... I'm hoping to have Veronica here the 23rd of Feb.. I'm giving her a week after the Visa is issued to have some parties see family and pack...

No, face touching during kissing isn't a Europe thing. It's a love thing.

Thankyou...thats even better

Good luck to you and Veronica with your interview. Finding a hotel nearby is a B#$%^#$. The Ukraina is booked up. Be carful about buying tickets for the 23rd due to potential Visa delivery delays - it IS Russia you know . Natalia plans to come over sometime between the 24th and the 28th. However, I have to see how my business trips work out. However it works out, I am just glad to be nearing the big day. I am ready to move forward with this new life and make a go of it.

I will be buying the tickets as soon as I know that interview date... it's either that or two weeks after the interview..as the tickets go up about $400 if you book them under 14 days..
Also Veronica is in Moldova... her interview will be in Romania...and they give the Visa same day unless it's late in the afternoon..then the next morning..

Take Care...and I'm also ready for this new life....

I love it here. I was telling my wife when we were out shopping last week that it doesn’t feel like being abroad most of the time – just when I think about my family that I had to leave behind. That does make me homesick, but that’s natural. I miss my family. My Gran died the day before our wedding and my parents didn’t tell me until a couple of days afterwards because they didn’t want me trying to get home for the funeral as they knew that would cause far too many problems with my immigration status (I didn’t have time to get Advance Parole and we were on our honeymoon).

It was quite difficult to begin with: my wife worked two jobs to support the house and, though I brought my savings over, we were worried about money for a while. She took her car to work and I didn’t have a job so I bought a bicycle and cycled down to her first job every day to spend lunch with her and then went with her by car to her second job at night. We tried to spend as much time as we could with each other though I found myself quite bored sometimes sitting at a counter watching her work for eight hours.

Adjusting was hard at first because we live in a small-town sort of location and everyone knows each other and I was this complete outsider: and that’s ignoring my accent which everyone picked up upon. People have been good, though, they seem to like the English accent and they’ve been very kind.

I spent the first two weeks organizing the marriage, then the next two weeks organizing my I-485/I-765 paperwork. After that, I went looking for a job, went for an interview and got a decent job straightaway. I guess I got lucky because that meant we had a more affluent Christmas than I worried we might have were it not for my employment. I had to stop working when my temporary EAD ran out and I’m stuck waiting for either my Green Card or my EAD (90 days will have passed in mid-February) before I can resume my employment. It’s so frustrating – I check for updates every single day! I have my job on hold until I get either my GC or EAD and I feel like tearing my hair out. Finances aren't yet a problem but if the USCIS delays my application for GC or EAD, then we might go back to struggling again

Once I got a job, we were able to buy me a car and we got cellphones as well. I have a great deal more freedom now that I have my own wheels and that I’m starting to get used to the area. Plus, I have my own set of acquaintances from work which don’t just see me as my wife’s husband like they do back where we live.

At the moment, we are looking to buy a house but my credit score from the UK counts for nothing here so we’re worried about getting a pre-approval (pending at the moment). My UK driving record/license also counts for nothing – so I have to take a US test, which I failed first time due to some hilarious foul-up of parallel parking in my first test. However, I got an IDP so I’ve been able to drive about which makes a big difference.

I think once you have a job, America is great. You don’t spend all day worrying about when the savings are going to run out and it forces you to get out on your ‘own’ without your spouse. If you’re stuck at home during the day and not getting out because your spouse is tired from working hard, then that would put a strain on any relationship. It can get tough, but it can be awesome.

I don’t regret it for a second – I love America and the people and the culture. It suits me more than the UK did, probably. I read the BBC website every day and every day it seems the UK is falling further behind the US in almost everything (except soccer, I miss that very much!)

Oh, and I love turtle ice cream!

Well Iam Lucy to have a supportive husband:)and really iam frustrating with my papers only..I still pending for greencard,and nobody knows when it will be done...I am learning to drive a car,i just got my SSN in summer 2006(in spite that i live here 2,5 years)so...I do not work at this moment but very want!!!Hope in the near future I will work,drive a carbe able to visit my family,so to have a full life:)
But now iam at home

I can't even imagine what he's going through. It must be so difficult to leave everything behind to move to a new country where you don't know anyone and whose language you barely understand. This topic has made me realize that I need to be more patient with him