Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while and was really debating ever posting again but I have a very serious question. My girlfriends husband got here around mid June or early July. In the time since he's been here, she has shown her true colors to him and she is not the person he thought she was. The list of lies she has told him goes on and on and on.... Saying she was Muslim and her family accepted that and then he sees her family knows nothing about it and they are trying to convert him to be Mormon (nothing against mormons), telling him TWICE that she was pregnant and lost the baby in order to gain attention, attempting to kill herself, keeping secret "male friends" online, not telling him her male best friend was once a long time lover of hers, saying she is too sick to work but there is nothing wrong with her, not to mention her 6 year old son is the devil. These are just a few of the things he is having to deal with along with the only job he can get is scrubbing toilets. He is debating leaving her to the extent that he is looking for flights out of the state at this very moment! She is begging him to have a baby and he can't even begin to agree with that beings that she won't work and they have no money, live with her father since she wouldn't pay the bills, still not paying the bills and refuses to "allow" him to even buy cigarettes. He loves her with all his heart but at the same time he can't live in this situation much longer. He is having panic attacks, can't sleep at night, is afraid all the time that she is going to try to kill herself again....
I guess my question is...if he leaves her, won't that cause a problem when he applies for his 10 year card? I want to advise him to stay but if he doesn't ...I would at least like to tell him what he needs to do in order to not get deported when that time comes...Do any of you have any suggestions?

thanks in advance
amal

Oh that's a sad situation. I'm sorry to hear about it.

I guess he has to consider what is more important...being in the USA or being happy. Looks like he would have grounds for an annulment or something since she totally portrayed herself as someone different before the marriage. Does he still have family and friends in the country he came from? If it were me that is where I'd want to go since I'd feel more 'at home' there and would have more of a support system there. What a sad situation.

Does he want to stay in the US? Would it be possible for him to reclaim his life back home? If he isn't too connected here, he might just be better off going home.

It is possible to get the 10 year greencard if the marriage was entered into in good faith. The lifting conditions/major family changes forums would offer more help in that regard.

Sad situation, hope a baby doesnt get brought into the middle of it. He needs to do whats right to keep his peace of mind.

He should go home. What other reason does he have to stay here if it isn't working out with his wife.

I agree with Sarah and I also have a feeling this thread is gonna get flamed.

I think so too.

Also there's 2 sides to every story...

I think that sounds like a good slogan for Vj ---TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY

What visa did he come on Amal? Hope it all works out for them.


Jackie

It's always sad to see someone get hurt. I hope he is ok, whatever he decides to do.

sure, he can choose to go home, but there is something to be said for knowing what your options are for the current situation (this one being he is already here and seems to have entered the marriage in good faith).

I agree this is a good topic for Removing of Conditions forum.

maybe a good one for a divorce forum but this is an immigration forum and the main objective is not divorce.

It sounds like the wife may have some mental health issues, especially with the suicide attempt. I think he should be encouraging her to get help.

After re-reading your post Amal I am confused, you keep referrring to her as your girlfriend. So do you just believe everything he is saying? I am a bit confused, if someone came to me telling me my friend was doing all this and then asked about his options about staying in the country I would be very reluctant to help him.

A bigger issue would be working out the marriage and when it comes down to the time when they finally decide to divorce he can see what his opions are at that point. However advising him to stay married just long enough to get the green card doesnt seem ethical to me at all.

I agree with JP on this one...I am confused too... you said she was your girlfriend. So I donnot even know how to put this ... someone is lying. Either the friend or the husband.
Did they met online? I assume they met online. (only cos if he met her throu family or friends I think she would been checked out I think. Also this situation seems like one of the hazards of online dating. (Not to say online dating is bad, just something one has to keep in mind) Unfortunately there are many liers out and many people living a lie (really lying to themselves)... seems like the Internet is nice little hiding place for many of them.
But in the end, we all practice common sense and in my opionion both parties should do alittle background check on each other and both have a back-up plan.
I am sorry for your friend. She seems like a completely lost soul. I would, if I may advice her to meditate and look deep inside herself. And as for her husband, I think he needs to re-evalute staying in the US... if it worthwhile and if he can even... if he wishes to go back, then he should. We live only this one life, many obstacles are put in front of us testing us and (hopefully) making us better. So whatever does not kill you, only makes you better.
Good luck to both of them.

What i said wasnt aimed at anything special marriage/divorce but everythng in general in this case seems to be alot of problems. I dont know the rules that would apply for him maybe best to go back to his family, maybe he rather stay continue on with a new life and opportunities, no way for us to know. Maybe she lied maybe hes lying, maybe no one knows the complete truth. Life has a way of working itself out, they each just have to make that choice to disolve everything or try to make a go of it with some help.

I think that the one that really needs help and advice is the girl (wife). She definitely needs counseling.

Now I'm officially mad..I was half way through typing this post and my lovely computer logged me out so now I have to retype everything..I hope I remember it all.

First off, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply but we had a dinner to go to with some of my husbands friends. I wanted to explain my connection with this girl but didn't have time because during my initial post, he said..oh by the way, we have to leave in 5 minutes....

I know I have told the story about how I met this girl but I don't want to take the time to sift through all of my posts and find it. So here goes.....
I had known my husband for quite some time but still refused to trust him or go beyond a friendship (long story..some of you might remember it)...anyway,
he wanted me to be able to trust him so he asked me if I would agree to meet an American girl who was engaged to his best friend. I agreed and that is how I met her. She is one of those people who talks non-stop for hours on end and barely stops long enough to breathe so I know a very detailed description of what she has done to him and things she has lied about. Also, since he and my husband have been friends for umpteen years, he talks to my husband about everything so I do have both sides of the story. I have known her since 2004 and she is good to call at least twice a day and talk for about 2 hours at a stretch so I do consider her a friend (even though I don't agree with all the lies and what she has done). I'm not saying everything is her fault either. I have already tried to give her the best advice possible such as.."stop the lies" , "you NEED to get and keep a job", and "for the love of god, stop forcing him to stay home and be your babysitter..let him get a job" ... I just don't know what to do to help him....

It doesn't matter anymore since he left her tonight. He said he can't be with her anymore because he is scared she is going to do something stupid again, she will never work, never save money, never allow him to have a good job, never allow him to get his drivers license, etc etc etc.He hasn't been able to sleep at night, he is having panic attacks, he is sick with headaches and ulcers from having so many worries now. He told her that he needed to go back to Jordan where he felt safe. He came here because he loved his wife and wanted to have a life with her. He gave up a good good job in his country to come here and he said that He had no business here if he wasn't with his wife. He just wants to go home and get his life back.....

I just feel so bad for both of them right now...I hate being stuck in the middle....

Wow, that's really sad. I'm sorry this had to happen to him. Insha'Allah he'll be able to get his life back in good order when he returns to Jordan.

It's always sad when a relationship ends, specially in this way. I hope that each of them can start over with a new life, at least he still has ties to his country and can return. Some people leave they life behind for good....

I wish them luck

edi

She called us and asked if we would accept him in our home for a while before he makes a serious decision to leave America for good. We said yes and he is to be arriving in Columbia tonight around 10:30. I hope the roads aren't too bad since it is supposed to rain ice and snow all day today and tomorrow... I hope we can help them work things out. She needs some help, yes, but she also loves him with all her heart and I think everybody deserves a second chance....I guess we will see what happens now.... Thanks for listening

Is he flying in Amal? I hope they can work it out. He came on a K3 visa, right? Did he get an EAD?

Jackie

If he was being abused, then he might be able to stay here.

I think all he can do is go back home or try to work it out with her. She needs help for sure.

I dont understand how she keeps him from getting a good job though. If he stays with you perhaps they can work it out and in the meantime get a better job.

I feel bad for you because this mess has put you and your husband in the middle.

chi

From what I understand, the abuse doesn't have to be only physical. If he can get proof that she did all of those things, he can still remain in the country and get his conditions removed. I can't remember all of the things it takes, but that's one thing he can look into if they figure out there's no way to work it out and he wants to stay.

This is a very sad situation. I hope things work out for him, and I hope she figures out what went worng and why.

he can always file under VAWA.

Amal-
I really just hope everyone is being honest with you about how their homelife really was. Granted, it couldn't have been wonderful...but just don't forget that there is no telling how much effort either one of them put into making it work.
Also, I want to remind you to look out for you two FIRST. You guys have condition removal to look forward to, too. Reuniting with his best friend as soon as they are both in the states isn't going to make it easier for either one of them to look like they came for their marriages. Just be careful to not help him out too much. Take care of each other first.
Later

Very good advice, Dawn.

amal - I know you said that you guys are in the middle, but I would work as much as you can towards distancing yourself rather than getting into it even deeper. It's an unfortunate situation for them, but just make sure it doesn't cause you problems too!

I don't understand how she prevented him from getting a job.

She does sound like she needs help. If he's left her he's not really planning to work it out, you can't live far away from each other and work on a marriage. I'm sure he's frustrated, but if he has you two to rely on, it seems there could have been some solution where they asked you to their house, helped them make a list of problems, guide them potentially into creating a good schedule for the family so child care is taken care of, jobs are had, money is budgeted. I'm in no way saying you should have done this, it's just a suggestion since you & your husband can see both sides and offer solutions. The whole situation seems tense and screwy, and someone needs to knock them both out if it and back into reality.

Yeah he got his EAD and also yes he came on a K3 visa.


Oh yeah, she knows....she called me today and said.."you know, it is all my fault..I should have been more honest with him" etc etc..all the things she did wrong.... she is kicking herself now... I feel so bad for both of them...






I agree that we have to look out for ourselves...he just has nobody else here to lean on and no place to go but our place...otherwise he will be on the streets. My husband can't allow that to happen...we will do our best to be extra careful.


She definitely needs help and came to that realization today. She realizes that she was the one that was wrong and put it all out on the table as to what she did and that she understood why he had to leave. I just pray that they both, in the end, are happy with their decisions.

i think him sticking around as long as he has said a lot about him. me, i'd have been gone a long time ago. be there for both but don't let their bickering affect your relationship!

wow, this is all so sad. guess u never know someone until u live with them. hope all works out amal. it's nice of you and your husband to give him a place to stay. it can be very lonely out there when ur not from this country. he should at least feel somewhat comfortable around you two while he gets his head straight and comes up for a second breath of air. poor guy. praying there is a resolution to all of this

andrea