This questions is aimed mostly at those who have reunited after a very long wait in the visa process, but not exclusively for obvious reasons. Did you discover you had developed emotional "baggage" as a result of the visa process and your temporary separation?

I have discovered a few very ugly little "bags" so I'm curious if its just my own insanity or if this is a common side effect.

It makes sense to me. I mean after months and months of living life one way, under the stress, it seems we all would develop certain kinds of patterns of behavior towards each other, towards everything as a copingmechanism or survival tool. These would then pop up out of habit esp in moments of adjustment stress (by that I mean the normal adjustment of 2 people living together and cultural shock setting in).

Does that make sense? is that what you meant?

For the most part, yes that's what I meant. For all the planning, thinking, organizing I did, I just didn't prepare myself for MYSELF! Don't misunderstand me though, I am utterly on cloud nine to have Mohammed with me again. Its so good to be his wife. I'm just surprised at some of the bizarre internal reactions I have at times... utterly irrational. I'm fortunate he's so open to talking about everything so we can work through things when he sees a strange expression on my face, or me on his. I was just wondering if the other members went through this, and maybe it would be a good thing to bring up to prepare those who will reunite in the future. (Hopefully as quickly as possible!)

Hopefully as the morning goes on, more of us who have experienced these long separations will join in and prove our thougths right and share with us all kinds of insights. I think I completely understand what you are expressing here and I think its normal especially when you have such a sense of self awareness like you seem to have.

We were very lucky to not have a really, long separation during the visa process, but we were apart for the seven months prior to beginning the process as well. I think I understand what you mean though. When Wadi arrived here and even now a bit still, I had this desire to be with him just about 24/7. It wasn't like that before we did the long-distance thing. It was almost like I was afraid of losing him again and had to soak him all up!

Sorry if that's not what you meant by emotional baggage.

For me its a fear he will leave again. Completely irrational and creeps up on me at the weirdest times, but it makes me want to grab onto him tight and not let him go until that feeling passes. I'm noticing he has those moments too.

I guess I didn't mean anything specific by "baggage" other then its interesting the psychology junk that comes up.

Jean - I know EXACTLY what you're talking about (then again right now my hormones are a little wacky!) I kept wanting to put off Youssef going home to visit because I was so terrified that he wouldn't come back, something would happen any number of crazy scenarios. But in my heart it killed me to see him missing his family sooo much and I knew that he needed to see them to be a better husband and father right now. Also just a recent example, he left this morning for 3 days to work. Yesterday I cried almost all day, now rational me says "Hey bozo look he's going 2 hours away for work, he's going to come back and if something happens you can get there in a reasonable amount of time" But irrational me is saying "OMG no how will you go on, he just got here (btw that was like a year ago!) and what if he doesn't come back?!?!" We've also had other struggles, with the kids, with jobs and life etc that we never had before he came here so I guess the reality of life and the emotional place we were at pre-moving to America are very different things. Now a year later we're still dealing with them.

WHEW!!! Glad to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear about your teary day, but I can really understand. Your hormones aren't helping you much right now either.

I am finding I CANNOT STAND TO SEE OR HEAR THE WORD VISA. It gives me a knot in my stomach. I wonder how many years before that one passes away...

avoid american express then. get a mastercard

I hate the word "visa" too.

I guess I don't see why you're not loving the word visa right now. You guys finally got it and now you are with your husband. What else could you ask for?

Survivor of a 2 year wait, I know something about this. While waiting for the visa, you are concentrating on one thing and one thing only, and that is getting your SO here. After they come, its a whole new ball game. No longer do you communicate with typed words and a phone line. Many that I have talked to feel very unprepared for the feelings that come after reuniting. That's why I call it the 'omg hes here what do i do now club.'

I love Mohammed and would not change a thing. There are times to this day that I need an extra long hug and I say 'alhamdulillah' for the chance to live my life with him.

For some, the pain of the wait goes away rather quickly, but for me and others I know, it may diminish some, but I know I will never take for granted what I have now. Jean, he's not going anywhere, so settle in and enjoy every minute together.

After the 10 year card comes, you won't be as affected by the V word. When you can file away ALL the papers, the relief comes knowing you are USCIS free!

Jackie

Funny you mention about communicating with phone lines and typed words as opposed to real life communication. When I'm with Moh in Egypt I don't do a lot of talking. It's like I don't know what to say when I'm with him. On the phone or online I'm a chatterbox and he's the listener. In Egypt it's reversed.

I think this is a very good thread. We had one going in the Sub Saharan about
African male culture and blending our Western ways with the SO's but from
what you are saying there are internal issues in ourselves that we have to deal with.
Stemming from the separation.........separation anxiety .......the fear of being left,
that goes beyond cutural adjustment.

I am not united yet with my fiance but am aware of the changes ahead of us and
am very interested in any help/details/tips/ on how to sail smoothly through the transition
of adjustment and the remaining fear of separation.

It is true ....the focus is only on coming together..then it shifts to " now what "
with meshing all the emotions, thoughts and perceptions of the past with the present to
build a meaningful future.

Somehow I am reminded of the Olympian athlete who wins the gold medal and now what will he do after the goal has been accomplished...there is a shift that happens.

A shift in the dance of 'interaction' from virtual expectation to reality.
Highs and lows. The typed word becomes now the spoken word packaged with emotion.

Communication between the couple is the most important tool. I will just sit back and soak in any wise words anyone has to offer.

Has he been here before and left you? I'm confused.

NO! He's never left me. I should have said the fear of being separated again. We did not part by our choice the first time after having been together almost a year in Egypt, but rather by circumstances. It was a very painful and unexpected separation, that's why the long haul was so darn hard. BUT, I really didn't start this thread to "whine". I'm just really curious. Psychology has always interested me.

I am happy, Sarah, that I'm with him. Overjoyed. Words really can't express how relieved I am to know he's right here. Its just the "old feelings" that v-word conjurs. I noticed it looking through my junk mail yesterday. (Yes! You've been preapproved for a VISA card!) As if....

Anyway, the one thing that is helping us through some of the more overwhelming feelings (both good and frightening) is to have open communication. I *know* he's not going anywhere, but there is that stupid place in my brain that loves to run around in little circles flailing its arms shrieking "OMG! WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF???" You know the one...

I actually had the opposite reaction. It was an adjustment for me to have someone around all the time. I was used to a lot of time alone at night when my daughter would go to bed. I was thrilled he was here, but it was a major change.

I like the way you use the word shift. I think it a good one and very approriate for describing what is happening. Maybe when our emotions are running so high and our minds are racing we feel the shift as anxiety or fear without knowing it is jsut a shift in our lives.

Yep. I agree.

the only thing I am having difficulty with is the length of time it has taken us in every step. im burned out.

Although we're just in the formative stages of starting the AOS process, I can really understand what you mean. BURNED OUT. Sick of WAITING, sick of that nagging anxiety, sick of bureaucracy.

Jean I really think you need to relax and stop worrying about everything. He is here, he has his visa, you are married. What's the problem? I just can't imagine that after all this time you have waited and finally got what you waited so long to have that you can actually be upset or worry about it. I would think you would be in love with the word "visa" now

Good point. I have always been resistant to change, but am making every effort to become
more flexible and allow myself to float instead of resisting the current.
Makes me less of a stressball ! Fear of the unknown has it's rough components also, going from one exteme to the next is just stressful, no matter how wonderful the shift or change
may be, no matter how happy the occassion.
Starting life together, getting married, continuing the AOS, job situations for our SO,
maybe moving, different time schedules....etc. just one brings major change.....so all of them at one time certainly toy with our sanity and emotions.
Relaxing into it would be the key I think.

I am not that experienced in the visa case but this reminds me of a time in the military. I had made some goals for myself- it was three of them. I accomplished quicker than I thought I would and I was like "So now what?" It is like you do not remember the struggle or what happened, but you remember it was hard. And then you do not know where to go or do next. This process has probably taking up a lot of some peoples time and when the fighting is over and you finally win after a 15 round match with this stupid process. You are sweating, breathing hard, tired, and on an adrenaline rush. The blood is pumping and now you have to come down off of this. It is hard, and I am not sure I am ready for all of this. It is like I am on VJ and another group, but once I get it the reason I would be here is to help people and that is it. That is if I get some time. One thing that gets me is that now I am in the rebuttal process and it is like I am trying to find everyway to document my relationship. This makes you think differently because you have to out think them you know and now it is to the point it is driving me crazy. So I can just imgaine when the time is over trying to stop this annoying habit. I will tell you this, I hate the word VISA and embassy. Someone said kiss in French and I thought it was embassy and I went off. On the deep end. Anway, this is probably a little off topic but I think I understand how you feel. I just want to say that it is normal. You accomplished a goal and now it is time to build new ones, with your man. I am so jealous of you guys. Have fun and do not forget the little people.

Being apart from my husband is stressful enough, but going throu INS these last 8years has been a living hell. I pray this year all my husband will get the visa... and all the rest of the INS filing we do, we will be together...going throu it together... doing anything together is much easier.

I think the whole visa process was very stressful...the longing for eachother and the torture of being apart was really just HARD and stressful and now that I have got what I wanted I find myself thinking " we had to go through all that..to get this?" Not that I am not greatful because I am and he is wonderful but I just feel that they really put us through the ringer making us prove our love was real when even a blind person could have seen it because it shined so brightly to now making me feel just exhausted and pissed off at the fact that I will have to jump these hoops again for the adjustment of status paperwork. He feels bad for stressing me out and making things difficult with me having to take of work for our appt which is like in a different CITY. We don't blame eachother at all for things but I guess we just are tired of people poking in our business..we just want to be like any other couple in America...just let us love eachother and enjoy eachother..well I guess my emotional baggage is resentment about how difficult and time consuming the process is and relief to be together but stressed about the future things..I mean I am sure they will all get approved but enough is enough I feel. You know I served 4 years active Duty as a female Marine...I could have been in medical school then instead of getting my late start. I think the least my country could do is let me marry whoever the heck I want to marry from where ever they are from after the 4 years of service I have given to them...call me bitter..or maybe it's just cause I am young and unrealistic but it just doesn't seem fair. HOWEVER I have my sweetie here with me now and all is well so WHATEVER! but I really think this process is horrible and really needs to be reevaluated...Can you tell I just went to the social security office yesterday and had to deal with someone who had never even heard of a K1 while applying for his social with him..ha ha I guess she just irked me. I have had enough with government workers for now yet we still have a long way to go with them. I know they are just doing their job...and I should be greatful but I had to vent..excuse me all. I hope you can understand.

Lets' not get all personal again, Sarah. Its just a discussion thread.

It took us 17 mos to get through the process. It's now been another 17 mos since hubby came here to live. It's kind of interesting, that most of our issues are coming to the surface NOW.

I guess I didn't think there would be much of a transition for him, since he's from Canada. I figure, hey, things are almost the same in each country right? Well, not exactly. He's not a big fan of living in the city (US or Canadian) and doesn't quite like the pace of the East Coast. I kind of agree with him there. He just recently told me that he's unhappy here and really misses his son back in Canada (though they lived about 600 miles apart, even when we met). He hasn't been able to travel up there as much as he would have liked in the past year and a half. Most of the reason we're here is because of my mother and niece (both my father and sister died and I asked if we could move here to help my mother in raising my niece, he agreed). So....the struggle is where do you live? Who's family are you closest to? How do you make a decision when, no matter what you do, someone will be unhappy?

Prior to this issue rearing it's head, things were fairly calm. I never feared him leaving or anything like that. Mostly, it was just weird getting used to living in the same house after such a long time of a long distance relationship.

Not sure if this is what you were looking for, but this is what you got! Good luck!

I'm find the responses pretty enlightening. I just thought others might find this useful. I wasn't looking for anything but just sharing experiences. Thanks.

Jean,
I totally understand how you feel. I used to be this very outgoing person and through the whole visa (and yes I hate this word too) I started interalizing a lot of things and really have become a different person. Khallid says he sees this outgoing person coming out a bit more and he's sure he'll see the old me sometime soon.

I will not do anything without Khallid, I think I'm afraid he will disappear or something. Hopefully I'll be over to get over a lot of this baggage someday soon.

I'm not on the visa process yet. I'm still trying to figure what we are going to do, especially since I'm staying in the USA under a tourism visa.
But in the 2years and 5 months of our relationship we've accumulated months away from each other: 7months+3+7&1/2...

I feel too that we talked more on the phone, and I think it's because we are not with each other yet we want to share our life so the other isn't left out, it's like an pale copy of the life you could have. And then when you are reunited, you get to see him touch him, and it seems there isn't as much this need to share everything just because you see each other.

I've had to deal with other things too, there is always an adjusment when we haven't seen each other for a while. I'm not used to being kissed and held and... my boyfriend knows that he needs to give me space until I feel comfortable with him. There is always the doubt that we could have changed, that our feelings could have changed, but so far it's only been a fear because my love is there and I can feel it after my brain adjusts to being back and with him.

Given that I don't have a visa to stay here... well there is always this fear of going back to France, and it makes me unhappy and sometimes moody and it's hard for the two of us because I overreact to things, I have this need touch him as much as I can, because I'm so scared to loose him, I'm so scared of not being able to come back. Thankfully there is communication and we try to work things out.

For those who haven't lived for long with their partner, there is also the discovery of the basic daily life...
The adjustment to a different culture we've only seen on a temporary basis, etc.

But it's all so much worth it

What do you mean personal? Do you think you haven't shared your emotions with us every day? I'm just saying that you have created a couple of threads and made several posts about how upset or worried you are about something now that he is here. Just relax! Remember those who don't have their SO here yet... THEY are the ones who suffer just like you did.

As much as I can understand the damage done by the visa process I have to say...once Moh (isa) gets here y'all aren't gonna hear a peep outta me as far as complaints.

Even when you're at work? I guess we'll have to see about that hahaha

I thought the same thing then I hadn't started working yet and Hicham was working so that was my VJ time. If we are both off from work or at home, I'm very scarce here.

Well I will probably pop in but I'll be too damn happy to have him here to be upset anymore. I've been through AOS with my ex. Piece of cake next to the visa process. At least he'd be here with me waiting instead of me sittin here waiting on him alone.

Yep- I have no reason to complain about AOS (even though we have hit a wall). He's here. That's what counts.

That's right...that's ALL that counts for me.

I have a feeling we won't hear one complaint out of you when he is here. That's only reasonable!

moody are you following through with the k-3 or the I130? I think I saw both were approved before he had the interview but I'm not sure what one you were going for.

He did his interview for the K3. You think Cairo takes forever for K3 or K1...try a CR1. Yeah no thanks. We're sticking to the fastest way out of Cairo. Hahaha....Cairo and fast shouldn't be put in the same sentence.

oh ok. not to derail this thread but I thought since both were approved before the interview you could just simply tell them which one you wanted to go through. Good to know. Yeah I agree I'd want the fastest way out too!!!!!

It's doubtful unless I'm complaining about the weather or something stupid like that.

No offense to Jean but it does make me feel kinda bad when ppl still go on and on and their husbands are here. Mine isn't yet and I'm still suffering the wait as are many others. Those who have their SOs with them here now should maybe be a little sensitive to others who are still waiting. Just a thought.

My thoughts exactly. It is insensitive.

Well, here we go again...

I just started a thread of what I thought would be useful sharing for those who will also be facing the adjustment of their SO's arrival. This was not a WHINING AND COMPLAINING thread. I will state again, I find my own "psychology" to be kind of interesting at this time. I certainly am not complainin about Mohammed being here. I will say for I think the third time now, I am quite relieved he's with me and we're building our life together quite happily.

I had just hoped for discussion.

This isn't the only thread you have created since Moh has been here. Maybe you need to go back and read your posts. I couldn't believe my eyes when you complained about working while Mohammed was at home. When you go home from work who is there? YOUR HUSBAND!

I really think you need to be more careful about complaining about things now. You have reached your goal. There are still others waiting. You know what it's like to be waiting which is why I can't understand why you are being so insensitive now.

Perhaps some people have smooth rides once their SOs arrive, but I know in our case, our relationship has been tested time and time again since my husband has gotten here. For some people, the adjustment is hard. And even if it isn't terribly difficult, there are still things that some may want to talk about.

Ok so I'm confused again....say our I129 AND our I130 are approved at the same week or so, well before the interview. Why would one take longer to process than the other? I thought I remembered reading that people would totally chuck the K-3 out the window if the I130 was approved before the interview?

Well not everyone is the same. I have been waiting a very long time, 14 months and counting and it doesnt bother me that Jean is posting about Mohammed being here. I have had similar thoughts myself anticipating his arrival. I have wondered many times if I will just be able to pick up where I left off or if things will be the same. I have wondered how I will manage my current schedule and how he will manage being here.

I don't think Jean is being insensitive to others by her posts. You can clearly see that this thread was started by Jean so don't read it if it bothers you. If I compared my case and situation to everyone else's I'd go mad.

That makes sense Rahma and I agree completely with you. However if you have been reading Jean's posts/threads you will see that that isn't really what she is talking about in some of them.

I think it's normal for everyone to go through a few bumps along the way but I don't think there's a need to complain on such a regular basis when someone's SO is here. There are still plenty who are waiting.

I do read all of Jean's posts and I find nothing wrong with them. I empathize.