This is a question for anyone who grew up in the Philippines. I'm surprised at how many times Jinky gets invited to a Birthday Party, a House Blessing, a wedding shower, etc.. Lately, she's been attending one party after another, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week. I realize that Christmas time has also added to the amount of parties, but do most of you also attend that many parties per week?


And for those who are now married and live here in the states, is that something you miss? Has it been a difficult adjustment for you?


My concern is that I'm not that outgoing...I'm not anti-social but if I were being invited that often to social gatherings, I'd decline most of them. So I try to think, what if I were living in the Philippines and we married, would our lifestyle be that way? Will she be content with a more family centered life when she is here? I have two teenage children and she has a 5 year old and between us both working and raising kids, I don't see how we'll have much time for being that social. I don't think that becoming a parent means we stop having a social life, but it certainly changes our priorities.

Can anyone give me some feedback?


Thanks!

Great question neighbor. I have had this same question for a while, but couldn't express it as well as you did. Looking forward to the responses.

Hi Folks, Im still here in the Philippines but will be moving there early March 2007.
We Filipinos sometimes cant say "No" to the offer specially if the one who are inviting us is very close friends, relatives and some members of the family who are living far away with you. Because if one will say no the one who are inviting you will get sulky. But sometimes, it is also nice to say No to the offer specially if you have really a very important things to attend to.

During holiday season here, we have lots of parties here and there, and it is also time to have get together for a while.
But if you think that it is too much already. maybe it is best to talk to her about your concerns (if you have) maybe she will understand it. It is ok to go to the party once in a while, but be sure that a wife is not neglecting her responsibility to her kids and to her husband.

YES...IN THE PHILIPPINES THERE IS A DEFINITE AVOIDANCE OF SAYING NO SOMETIMES. I KNOW RELYN HAS SAID MANY TIMES "IM SHY TO SAY NO". IN THE U.S. WE ARE MORE LIKELY TO SAY AND DO WHAT WE FEEL.

I KNOW STEVEN THAT ITS A CONCERN. IVE HAD CONCERNS ABOUT THINGS OF THAT NATURE TOO. RELYN DOESNT GO TO A LOT OF PARTIES BECAUSE SHE WORKS SO MUCH AND THEN WHEN SHE ISNT WORKING SHE IS CHATTING WITH ME.

MY CONCERN IS THAT HER FAMILY AND HER ARE CLOSE AND MOST OF THEM LIVE TOGETHER. MY CONCERN IS THAT IT MIGHT SEEM BORING TO HER AND SON BECAUSE I AM REALLY A HOMEBODY TOO. I WOULD PREFER TO HANG AROUND THE HOUSE THAN GO OUT TO A PARTY. I KNOW THAT WE WILL DO THAT AND I WANT TO GO WITH HER TO SOCIAL GATHERING BUT NOT PALAGI.

IM THANKFUL BECAUSE RIGHT NOW RELYN SEEMS VERY COMFORTABLE WITH THOUGHT OF BEING AT HOME AND TAKING CARE OF THE COOKING, LAUNDRY AND SUCH. I WONT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT THOUGH BECAUSE I KNOW IT WILL BE IMPORTANT TO GO TO THE MALL, OUT FOR COFFEE, MOVIE, DINNER. THINGS LIKE THAT. FOR MOST OF US WE HAVENT HAD A CHANCE TO DATE OUR LOVE EXCEPT WHEN WE GO TO THE PHILIPPINES.

AS MY DESTINY SAID. TALK TO HER ABOUT WHAT YOURE FEELING AND THINKING. IM SURE SHE WILL UNDERSTAND THAT. BEST TO YOU AND JINKY. WE ARE ALL VERY LUCKY TO BE IN LOVE AND HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL LOVING FIANCE.

PATRICK (RELYNS HUBBY IN FEBRUARY 2008....WE HOPE)

Thank you. I did express my concerns but it didn't go over too well..hehehe. Jinky is the maverick or rebel of the family. She has 3 older sisters and 1 younger brother. Her family from what I understand was very overprotective of her before we met and her parents would really get upset if she stayed out late so I think she's still fighting against that. Her 5 year old son, Job, told his mom the other day when she was about to leave for a Christmas Party, that he doesn't want her to stay out late. I think he was trying to tell her that he wants more time with her. I'm not sure how to be tactful without her feeling I'm putting her down when I tell I think she should be spending more time at home with Job.

I HAD A FEELING THAT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY TALKED ABOUT IT WITH JINKY. ITS HARD WHEN YOU HAVE A CONCERN BUT DONT KNOW HOW TO BE TACTFUL ENOUGH TO NOT UPSET HER. DOUBLY HARD IF SHE IS SENSITIVE TO THINGS. I GUESS MY ADVICE ON THAT IS TO STEER THE CONVERSATION TO WHAT JOB SAID TO MOM. KIND OF KEEP THE CONVERSATION ON THAT SUBJECT SO YOU CAN DISCUSS THE CONCERN YOU HAVE WITHOUT COMING OUT OF THE BLUE ON THAT SUBJECT. I KNOW YOU PROBABY MISS HER TOO WHEN SHE IS AT A PARTY. I WISH YOU LUCK CAUSE IM NOT GOOD AT BRINGING UP SUBJECTS I KNOW MIGHT UPSET RELYN. HONESTLY SHE IS GREAT ABOUT THAT. WE HAVE HURT EACH OTHERS FEELINGS BEFORE AND ITS UNFORTUNATE BUT WERE UNDER NO ILLUSIONS THAT IT WILL BE PERFECT. MALIGONG BAGONG TAON....happy new year PATRICK

Thank you, Patrick! Jinky is Cebuano so I only no a little bit of Bisaya... I have no idea what palangi is...hehehe

LOL.....PALAGI IS ALWAYS. I WAS SAYING WE WILL GO OUT BUT NOT PALAGI (ALWAYS). ITS TAGALOG. BUT RELYN ALSO SPEAKS BASAYAN....I THINK THATS THE LANGUAGE. SO I WONT HAVE ADVANTAGE WHEN I LEARN TAGALOG. WHEN SHE WANTS ME TO NOT KNOW WHAT SHE SAYING SHE WILL TALK BASAYAN SO IM STILL SCREWED.

Its normal here in the Philippines specially when you are working. This will have a big advantage if you like to have wide connections like you are in Sales or Service Business. Sometimes we used that to know the people we can go to if we need Government service or to have big discounts specially is you make friends to business people. They will recommend you or used their name and so on.

But don't worry, Filipina's are very family oriented. We are very responsible mothers even if we love parties. Still our priority is our husband and children. Like in my case, I don't have kids but when I know my fiance schedule for chat or hes time already I make sure I'm with him and don't like him to get upset. Still and always Family is our Priority.

I'm sure she just spend time with her friends and family now because she knew when she arrive there her lifestyle will be different.

Happy New Year!!!

Lily

Thank you, Lily! That makes sense.

Warning, warning.......If you are not comfortable with behaviors now......odds are you won't be later. Don't expect people to change. What is your gut telling you? I think you know the answer, you just don't like the answer.

I have been with someone from a different culture, that excuse can really grow long in the tooth.

Filipinos like to party! And they know how to have fun at parties...good clean fun! First, kareoke is a requirement at any filipino party. Second, filipino parties are LOUD. Lots of talking and laughing. Third, filipino parties involve lots of food. My wife arrived here 2½ months ago. Through networking on theworldoffilipinas.com, she has met many other here in the states and was introduced to someone in our city who got us involved in the local chapter of filapino/americans; couples just like us. That was last week and we've been to two parties already. I can't say about others, but these parties involved no drinking, smoking or drugs. We have a 5 year old son and he goes with us. Children of all ages are there. I'm not very social or outgoing either but these parties are great! Not all husbands go. I suppose they are the quieter type but filipino women are very close to one another and my wife loves to interact with other filipinas. To me, it's whatever makes her happy.

Steven, very good topic you have brought to the board. An understanding and acceptance of the filipino culture
is a must. My fiancee is a very outgoing person while I am the complete opposite. I would rather stay at home
and read a good book rather that aimlessly wander through a mall but I accept that we are different and I know
that she would not disrespect me so I encourage her to do what makes her happy. Word of advice; talk to her
about your concern but do not try to change her....she is a social butterfly.....let her spread her wings.

When Claudeth was living there her family attended many of these types of functions. I love their family oriented way of life. Heck, about one a month or so my friend has to go to Malaybalay for his wife's family functions, there is always something going on.

I, myself, enjoyed attending those get-togethers when I was there but sometimes didn't care for some of the food! (I tried balut once and never again) I think Claudeth kind of misses that because she has no family, other than me, here.

Thank you, Trey! I'll look into that website when Jinky arrives. I know that it will be crucial to her adjustment here, to find some familiarity and to also make new friends here.

Thank you, jamrock! I certainly don't want to change her and I really think or hope that we both will learn each other's ways of life, not to change but to discover new things.

I love parties and family/friend gatherings! I always end up attending one almost every week while I was in the PI. Having a child early in life didn't deter me from going out, it slowed me down, but I would, once in a while, end up at parties/ bar scenes with friends or coworkers. I guess the lifestyle back home allowed us to do this, I mean I can go to parties/work late without worrying about my child - she has my mom and a nanny to care for her. And I'm thankful for them, w/o these important people, I wouldn't have climbed the corporate ladder the way I did before we emigrated to the US.

Coming to the US is a different story though. I had a full time job AND a household to run. No more nannies or maids, therefore no more time, let alone, energy for parties. With people having the same lifestyle, it's not difficult to say no to certain invitations, hosts understand 100% of the time why we can't go. Most of the parties that we've gone to are family oriented, we hardly go to grown up gatherings cuz a good sitter is hard to come by. Not to mention, I'd be spending the whole night thinking about my precious one at home left at the care of some stranger.

I remember before coming to the US, hubby advised me to party up with friends and relatives. So I did. I quit my job and spent the remaining weeks with friends and relatives. It was a blast! I took w/ me good memories of my last days in the Philippines. I can't wait to go back.

So my advise is let her be, it's a phase she would eventually have to let go once she embraces her new life with you.

Karaoke is defintly a requirement! Im still in the Philippines and I know I will surely miss partying with my family and friends. So while Im still here, Im trying to spend as much time (partying with family/friends or going out or get togethers) as I can. And I hope I can bring a Magic Sing with me when I go there (U.S)

I agree.

I remember the first time I got to the Philippines as soon as i put my bags down in the hotel(my first time meeting him in person) my boyfriend says, hey we are invited to this party ! LOL! I was like ok.............................hey have fun, yeah there are tons of partys in Philippines around Christmas season, just go to the partys and have fun! Beats the lonliness and or working urself to death here in d states.....dont worry its JUST A PARTY! yeah and enjoy all the FOOD! YUMMY! PANCIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know this topic is directly at the filipinos however i am half filo and aussie. I just wanted to give feedback on growing up with the filo culture... its normal to be invited to all these parties, its such the culture. Filos love entertaining! my mother is 57 and she is a president of so many associations and always going to parties and functions... its a part of the filo life! we love eating, singing and dancing!!!

The inevitable culture shock to my new asawa has been on my mind lately, especially since within 3 months she'll finally be here in the USA!! Yippee!! We've discussed her adjustment on several occasions, and I've told her that southwestern Ohio is much different that Leyte, so be prepared for many changes. She says that she's ready to come here, but she really has no idea what to expect. She thinks she does, but I tell her that even though much of the year is just like there, green, warm and humid, for six months of the year our houses are closed during the cooler months and we hear hardly a peep from outside - no chickens, no loud music, no motorcycles, no surprises from a neighbor quietly walking by during the morning bath at the clan's well beside the house, and no typhoons. (She doesn't know what a tornado is.) There's constant activity in her tiny community - kids everywhere, such happiness and joy, singing and games, the entire family working together, day after day. She tells me to drive slowly, as maybe 40 kpm is moving very fast down a good road. She's asked me if we can cook with wood, on a fire built outside with three big rocks, she says, so a big pot will stay in place. She's asked me if we can hang the clothes in the sun. The family home has electricity, but she pitches water from the well for washing clothes and dishes, by hand of course, and for a bath, and uses the CR beside the house, with nothing more than a bamboo fence about waist high surrounding it. The first time she'd ever seen a hotel was in Manila during my visit last April. She'd never ever taken a bubble bath with warm water in a bathtub. She's seen American magazines with pictures of lovely contemporary homes - kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms and all of the furnishings. No plush upholstered furniture in her world. She's seen pictures of our house here in Ohio. They are small two-dimensional images. She has no idea how large and spacious everything is here. Our homes are much futher spaced apart. I might think, and hope, that she'll be so very happy when she arrives here, but I am as prepared as I can be for the bitter homesickness she will feel.

What have I done in advance of her arrival? Well, everyone I know knows when she will be arriving here. There will be introductions, but she is very shy, so this will be a slow process. I am alone here in Ohio, my grown kids live in North Carolina and Georgia, quite far away to have much interaction with her. My family is based in Illinois, so she won't have them to adopt. It will be just us here. I knew she was Catholic, so I had been preparing a change from my Lutheran background to Catholic if need be. I had been holding off joining a congregation here (I moved here about 6 years ago) because I didn't know what she'd like when she arrives here, but I knew that her faith is at the center of her life and that was very important to me. During my visit I learned that although she was baptised Catholic, she attends the local Christian Church just a few steps away from her home. She is very active with Christian education, kids especially, and she loves to sing and play guitar. (I'm an ex-bass player...hehehe.) So, she had no problems being protestant, so I joined the Lutheran church here in my town with her permission. She has a church family now ready to welcome her. The month following my return here, I attended a local cultural festival and just so happened to meet many members of the local Philippine-American Society. I joined right away. It's a big group, dating back to the early 1970s, very well established. They are very active with native food preparation and sales and dance exhibits, many talented singers and performers, and many heath care and technical professionals, too. I was welcomed almost immediately and have been assisting with serving food at summer fairs and exhibits, even learned much about lumpia rolling, pancit and manok adobo. So, she is ready to be received by many from her native land. I've found all of the Asian food stores in the area. I have a nice rice cooker. I have a big tall imitation coconut palm tree with a cloth bamboo lantern on her side of the bed. And, we have a big Philippine flag flying next to Old Glory on our front porch, on nice days. She is so impressed by that, and so is her family and friends. She asks me if I am proud of her. I am so very proud of her and the sacrifice she is making for me, but I also am fully aware of her responsibilities to those who remain behind, and I support that.

She will struggle, but patience and faith will give her strength, even as now she prays for strength as she waits for her interview to be scheduled soon. She knows that she has an amazing adventure ahead of her. She says her dreams have come true, as have mine. It's not going to be easy for us, or for anyone who comes to the USA. We would like to think that everyone will love it here, but think about what it would be like to leave your home, your family, your friends far behind, everything you've known. I'd be scared to death, too. In fact, I am scared to death, and I'm also praying for patience and strength. We'll both need it!!!

Good luck to everyone!!! My journey is just beginning and what a journey it has been so far!!

Michael in Ohio

What a lovely post Michael!

Michael,

It's very heart-warming to read about how you've prepared for your wife's "homecoming". All that you've done will definitely make her integration into American society a lot easier!

Best wishes to both you!!

what a beaut post Michael, sounds like you have really had deep thoughts on how she may/maynot handle it. When my mother came to Oz( australia) in the 70's she was the oonly asian in the town and surroundings in sydney!!! who to think now!!!. she said it was a very weird thing... so much filo food she missed etc but she knew she came for the right reasons (my parents are happily married for 33 years). She didnt even speak any filo until a year later when her sister immigrated to oz...however my mum said that it was very quiet and was hard to adjust to at first but there has been no looking back.... it actually took my mum 17 years to actually go back to phils! i am pretty sure there be some filos near by!!! they are everywhere! hehe, anyhow good luck!! it will be all good.

I wanted to add a thought as well.
Not unlike any of the others that have already been coined.
I have been in the Local Phil Am Association for 23 years or longer, and have learned that family always come first. There are always Majong Parties, Karaoke Parties, Birthdays,Weddings, etc.
You have to pick and choose your parties and gatherings dependent on your time schedule and money alotted to do so. In all the years I have had more fun in the Phil Am and not drinking, and Partying in the terms we would think of, and with most where I live, drinking is a no go. So karaoke is amazingly fun, and the gatherings are a ball. My wife will fit in perfectly and the Phlips as they term themselves say that family always comes first, and if a family issue decides your attending or not, then family it is. To this day, I would not give up a day of my life without the people from the Phil's. As the others said, it's about communication, and understanding each other,you and her, not what other people expect from you.
I look forward to this thought, and I know my wife will be right at home here, as I hope will yours.
Good Luck.
Ingat Palagi....Dios Mabalos.
Magan Dang Gabi.
Randy