Hmmmmmm. . . another circumstance that rears its controversial head with our immigrant/American relationships, in addition to the many that face any new marriage, is that of language.

I noted this subject was addressed in a few places throughout the Forum, but I’m not altogether sure it was soundly discussed. Has anyone ever tried to carry on a marital dispute in Spanish? Or German? Not as easy as you think! For the most part, most of us are probably lucky in this department; our partner in the other country either speaks English as a cultural norm (i.e., England, Australia, Ireland, Canada, etc., etc.) or, they are from a country which has stressed the English Language in their education system (Germany, for example) or, for a multitude of other reasons, our chosen mate is already fluent in English.

But what of those not fluent in English? I mean, I am fluent obviously, but my wonderful wife is not. I wrote of this once in the forum and suggestions were made “for her to begin studying English while she was awaiting the much coveted K-1 visa.” I suggested this to my betrothed in Bogotá at the time, but she informed me that in Colombia, English lessons are terribly expensive and the nearest location of an English school was quite far from where she lived, through a rather unsavory area.

Now, let’s say that actual fluency in any given language is from 0 to 100 percent; the 100 per cent being one who has a college degree and speaks his/her language flawlessly; the 0 percent being one doesn’t know a single word of the language (that would be me with say. . . Urdu or Farsi). In Spanish, I would rate myself perhaps in the realm of 85 to 90 percent, so my wife and I can communicate very well. I have heard American couples say things like, “Oh! As her American husband, you can speak English with her all the time and she will learn quickly!” WRONG! Thank you for playing, doesn’t work that way. Whether folks realize it or not, who speaks which language doesn’t matter one bit; there are still the common marital problems to deal with and communicating to be. . . communicated. Like any marriage. So, we speak primarily Spanish in our home. However, we select certain times when I will speak only English, but I. . speak. . slowly. . and. . clearly. (Please don’t shout at them. . . they’re not hard of hearing, they simply cannot understand). I also enrolled her in English classes here, which she is doing very well at. She has learned by leaps and bounds, but. . . she still prefers to speak Spanish. My Spanish has improved immensely but that does her ill will with her English.

So who learns which language first? How does one adequately communicate all those differences that arise frequently in a marriage? Relationships have unraveled and ended, marriages have been destroyed and major wars started. . . all because of “malententidos”—misunderstandings. Because statements were misinterpreted. Lord knows, there are a substantial amount of problems even among couples speaking the same language fluently, from the same country, from the same hometown. But we, who have chosen a lifelong mate way outside our known realm, the other side of the world, with another language. THAT gets interesting.

My first observation is, that if both you and your selected partner are able only to communicate in a “Me Tarzan, you Jane”, sort of mode, you are in for a VERY interesting few years ahead of you, I don’t care HOW well suited you are for one another. Secondly, assuming that at least ONE of you is fluent in the other’s language, USE that language until you are more or less accustomed to one another’s presence in your life. By all means, have your chosen one begin attending English classes ASAP, and use English most of the time with them at home, even if they only pick up on 20 or 30 per cent of what you are saying; this way, they will begin to learn the “rhythm” of English. But for the meantime, conduct those more vital affairs of a new marriage in the common language; German, Spanish, French, Russian, Yiddish, whatever.

And above all, patience. . . patience. . . PATIENCE!!

Lija

Who would do that to someone they were married to? That's insane.

We speak English together 90% of the time. R doesn't really like it when I speak Portuguese because he doesn't like my accent (which is not that bad, I swear).

The language thing can be hard when one person is angry, though, I agree. I can see that in a foreign language you lose a lot of your ability to speak or write it when you are angry or trying to make a point.

I didn't read all of the OP's post (sorry) but this is an excellent topic. My father is a native Spanish speaker and regretably he did not speak Spanish to me nor my bros. My fiance is Romanian and I we have discussed him speaking Romanian to our children. He debated: English first. I disagree. I explained to him what a "diservice" he would be doing our children with that attitude. Anyway, I think this thread has nothing to do with children. (Sorry, I'm too drunk to read the original post). But non-Eng speaking parents should make it a point to speak to any children or future children in their native togue. I sure wish my father had.

S

We use English in our household... I feel more comfortable that way too - when Bram was in Thailand for 4 months he picks up alot of Thai and can understand a lot of things i said.. but now it's almost gone becasue i've never speak Thai with him (he picked it up while their all by himself... i can't speak Thai to a blond hair person it just feel weird lol ) But when it came to argument it's always difficult for me becasue i cold not find words fast enough for speak fast enough and it made me even angrier and more frustrated - Bram is quickly understand this (he wasnt really understand it before becasuse he sometime though i dont have any problem with english and think i know every words ) But now if i get frustrated I just tell him that I'd need sometime to think of words and will explain to him when i calm down a bit orelse it will not go anywhere. It's a lot more difficult to speak other language when i'm angry

Anyway - I think i'll try to speak Thai to my children and teach them about my culture and might even get them to live inThailand for a while too. I'm sure it'll benefit them one way or another to know more than one language... eventhough Thai is used by only in Thailand

This is a wonderful topic... And definitely a must read for us couples with different languages.

I am lucky (or Rob is) that I am fluent in English, so we understand each other very well when discussing. Now... when I get mad over something, that's another story.... And usually I do what Anya is doing. I just tell him that I need time to gather my thoughts and that I will talk to him later. This works wondeful, because, first of all, after thinking about it (in spanish) and trying to find a good way to explain it to him (in english) I am usually not red-angry anymore and secondly, I can make my point clearly and in a more intelligent way than if I were mad and screaming at him (not that I would anyways).

Regarding Lachatte's point, it's something I've always given a lot of thought. I definitely want to pass some of my culture to my children. I want them to know my backgroung, learn about my customs, and OH-SO-DEFINITELY learn the language. And not only out of the selfishness of this-are-my-children-see-them-speak-spanish, but I realize that being bilingual is a HUGE advance career wise as it has been for me so far.

To the original OP, it is awesome that you are so fluent in spanish, that is definitely helping your wife adjust, because considering all things one leaves behind, being able to communicate in your mother tongue is definitely a plus (specially if you moved to a place where there arent many spanish speaking people - like Pittsburgh in my case). BUT, definitely stress the learning the language issue. When in Rome do as the Romans. We immigrants took a decision to move to the US (or wherever in the world), that decision definitely involve getting adjusted to the new environment, and that will never be possible if you cant communicate with the people surrounding us. So kudos to your wife for trying to learn and to you for your patience...

Ana

We try to speak English as much as we can at home. But if an argument comes up, we switch to Italian immediately (which happens to be neither of our first languages). It would be pretty useless for us to argue in our first language, since I don't understand Arabic. It sounds a lot prettier in Italian anyway.

I can just imagine fights in Italian!!!
When I was in Italy, I kept thinking everyone was really excited about something...
But then again, if I didnt understand Spanish... I'd think the same thing...
I was at pizzeria, and there was a large family eating next to us. They were talking so much and being kinda loud, I was a tad jet-lagged, and had worked all day (translate: I had a mushy brain), and I could only think of how Rob felt when he went to visit me, and met my family at a gathering ... let's just put it this way... I felt sorry for him...

My situation is trickier. I am brazilian and am fluent in Portuguese and English. Luis is puertorican and he's fluent in Spanish and English. We're living in Puerto Rico so the language here is Spanish. I'm the one who has to learn it but since I have a hard time understand what's being sad Luis talks in English to me, which is not helping my learning by one bit.

I try to speak Spanish and of course it comes off weak and wrong but I'm learning so in the end we end up in a messy convo where I use Portuguese words 'cus I didn't know it was different in Spanish, ask stuff in English to be able to say them in Spanish, and Luis answers stuff half in English half in Spanish. It's a mess, really.

It does seem like a mess...
But (and I know many Brazilians here have said otherwise) Portuguese from Brazil is pretty similar to Spanish, so it'd be easier for you to catch on the Spanish... Good luck... and again... the key word is patience...

My husband and I are fluent in both languages, German and English- and usually it ends with us talking "denglish" (we mix, even within one sentence).

I'm happy to have both languages- especially in an argument or an important discussion.

Well, here's the thing, puertoricans have a specially difficult accent and A LOT of slangs. It's too hard to catch what they're saying. It will take me longer than I thought, I believe, to feel comfortable in puertorican spanish.

We speak Spanish at home. OK, after living here together in the US a few years, it's more like Spanglish.

My wife was born in Turkey, her parents immigrated to the US when she was little and they spoke Turkish at home. So both of them are her mother language. I was also born in Turkey, I went to the US for school at very young age. So both English and Turkish are my mother tongues as well(well with a very slight accent for english). So we are both 100% with both languages. We speak Turkish when with the family(because they are all Turkish) and we speak English when with friends. When we are alone, we speak Turkish in daily chat, English when we argue:) I never curse in English(not at her, I am talking about curse upon things like losing your wallet) on the other hand she never curse in Turkish. She says she doesnt know any swear. I used to speak German(used to be fluent) and now trying to get it back, I am trying to teach her some words and phrases so we can have private conversations when with the family lol but actually we kinda created our own language, some certain words for certain things that no one else could understand. For example when we needed to head to bed and such situations;)

This is a good topic!

Amed and I met in Paris, where he was living at the time. His primary language is Arabic. At this point, he spoke very little English but almost perfect French. My French was so-so, so we always spoke in French. As time went on, my French really improved dramatically. Once I moved there, we practiced his English a lot, and he would try to speak on the phone to my family in English.

Once he got to the U.S., his English got sooo much better really quickly, but we still speak in French at home 85% of the time. That's always going to be the primary language in our house, I think. I'm the one who gets frustrated more, because there are certain words (like "screw" and "bolt") that I don't know in French and I have to try to explain to him what it is. When we're arguing, I have to try to articulate my position in another language, and sometimes, when emotions are high, that's difficult. He's been speaking French since he was a little boy, so it comes very naturally to him. On the other hand, I know almost no Arabic, which really bothers me because it makes it difficult to communicate with his family.

If we have kids, we're going to teach them English, French, and Arabic from the get-go.

I was going to mention this when I replied to your previous post. But I thought it might be politically incorrect..
Even spanish speaking people have trouble sometimes understanding the Puertorrican spanish...
And it does have to do a lot with the accent, and the fact that they use a lot of americanized words?? I totally hear ya...
But hang in there... soon you'll be talking purro too... they are very warm people though...

Wow! Did I open Pandora's Box with this thread? There are so many of you out there who seem to communicate in different lamguages in different ways. . .

A few replies back, someone here mentioned that there was a difference in Puerto Rican and some other dialect (Spanish). Different dialects?? OOoooooooooooh, yes! I learned the vast majority of Spanish when I lived in Mexico. They also used a lot of slang there. Further, as a police officer, I learned even more, but it was primarily street Spanish. In the beginning, I could hear my college-educated wife grinding her teeth when I would speak to her. I recall once while we were together in Bogota, we were strolling along the street and happened to pass this extraordinarily beautiful young Colombian girl. I commented to L (only my fiancee at the time), "Mira esa chica. . . que chula!" L turned to me, eyes wide and a giggle in her throat, and in Spanish said, "She's so WHAT?" Well. . to me, having learned the Spanish if Mexico, "chula" meant "cute" or "pretty". I told this to L. but she only laughed harder. She said, "Do you know what a "chulo" or "chulo" is here in Bogota?" No, I said, I didn't. "It is," she said, "A buzzard." Hmmm. . . I had called the young girl a buzzard. How very fortunate the young girl on the street in Bogota did not hear me. I would have feared an International Incident of massive proportions.

The point is, even when a couple is better than fluent in the same language, there are STILL misunderstandings; misread from body language; a perceived bit of sarcasm when there really wasn't any; a misinterpreted phrase, a misinterpreted deed; the list goes on. Therefore, when we couples are together trying to build a life but with different cultures and different languages, the problems multiply tenfold (or more).

Therefore, to all of you new (or semi-new) couples of different languages out there, you are America's future, please be patient and understanding with one another. Thousands. . . no. . . MILIONS of other couples like us have gone before and have succeeded and have gone on to do good or even great things here. God saw fit that we should meet our respective mates the way we did. May each and every one of you give all you have to one another and meet with happiness and great success!

Lija

If your spouse isnt good with english and lives here in the US, I suggest you mostly speak to her in English as she has to become proficient with it to go thru daily life....

with children I will speak english mostly to our daughter and any future children, and he wants to speak mostly arabic his native language to her so she retains it.

as for arguments... go with the flow LOL making up is what counts!!

Wendy http://www.freewebs.com/mrs_odeh/ * live * Laugh * Learn

My SO speaks fluent English. I speak very little French. Disappointing to me and to him - he loves my American accent when I try to speak French. It's a very hard language for me to learn. He wants to know why I don't speak French with him. I tell him, "Because the car is green and the cat is is the garden aren't very stimulating conversations." And that's what I've learned so far. Well, perhaps a little more than that, but not much.

When we were at his parents' house for Christmas, by the end of the day I was exhausted from trying to understand what everyone was saying!

This is a great topic.

OK, I am puertorrican and have to admit that we do have a ton of slang when we speak. I have friends from South America and when I get in a roll they are like ¿Qué??? And it's because of our slang, I forget and start speaking my boricua spanish LOL. And, yes, we have taken English words and made them part of our language and even made verbs, like "parisear" (to party) "parquear el carro" (to park the car) "tripiar" and so on... Plus we speak veeeery fast. Just listen to a reggaetón song, those are pure slang...

My Fiancé is Dutch but we speak English, he is fluent. But at my house, me and my kids speak puertorrican. He is trying to learn Spanish and we hope he can understand my family when we visit this year as my mother doesn't speak English, but my brothers do.

Your husband knows my pain then.

when my fiance went here in Philippines, we speak in english so that he can understand what we are talking (me, my family, friends) in front of him. But if my sisters cant say it in english, I just translated it to him. I also taught him some our native language which is Tagalog. I also sent him a dictionary so that he can study a little for those basic words we use everyday here in the Philippines.

My husband's first language is French but you wouldn't know it...he's so fluent with English and has no accent. However, I do want him to teach our daughter French. She is 7 and if he could start now, I feel she would pick it up a lot better than I am doing. This would also help her (I think) with Spanish at some point. At home, we speak English. He speaks French to his mom when she calls, or when other members of his family call. It's a beautiful language and I hope to learn it enough to converse fairly well when we eventually move to Canada.

We speak spanish at home because I don't have the patience to try to wait for Lili to understand me in english ;-)
Her english has improved alot in the last few months, more through her talking with my family and watching tv then learning much from me. I learned spanish from her and I think it's easier for me to learn a new language then to try to teach English.
Our daughter will learn Spanish, English and possibly German if I have it down good enough before she is too big.
My wife would like me to talk to her in English but I feel weird talking to her in English when we've always talket in Spanish.

Sam

We speak primarily spanish at home. Using the origional poster's scale my Spanish is at about a 90 and I use it all day at work anyway so I feel comfortable enough to express my feelings and frustrations to my husband in Spanish. His English has improved greatly over the past year that he has been here but is still at about a 50. We ocassionally have the goal of speaking more English at home to help him learn quicker but it generally only lasts an hour or so. His work and school are primarily in English and I can tell at the end of the day a lot of times he is to tired to think in English anymore. I remember how exhausting it was when I first learned Spanish and sometimes you just need a break to be able to express yourself without thinking so hard.
When we do get on an English kick, what seems to work best is to say "we are going to spend the evening just speaking English" and that seems to be a more workable goal and turns it into kind of a game. It's a trick I learned from a friend who's mom raised her billingual in German, they would have "German game time" where for an afternoon they would just speak in German. I was a member of a billingual families list serve a couple years ago and from that it gave me a lot of ideas I hope to use with my own children to help them be billingual. We are expecting our first child next month and I don't know if I will speak to her primarily in Spanish or trade off. I expect my husband to speak to her only in Spanish and I would support that compleatly.

We speak Spanglish at home.

We started out 100% Spanish, since she knew no English at first. When her English got good enough to carry on a conversation, we switched to 90% or so English, in order to accelerate progress in her English learning. It's HARD to change old habits and switch languages, even if you're switching back to your own native language! Now, with a baby in the home who hasn't yet learned to speak in any language, we're switching back to a bit more Spanish, because we want our child to grow up fluently bilingual. Ideally, our daughter would hear only my English and only her Spanish, in order to hear only proper pronunciation. But it's not going to be quite ideal.

If we want to be 100% certain the other understands completely, we'll each speak in the other's native language. If we want to say something fast and simple, and/or don't mind the possibility of having to repeat or explain, we'll each use our own native language.

When we're around other people, our language choice depends on whether we want our conversation to be private or not (and on what language(s) the other people understand).

I was brought up in an English-speaking home. When I came to America I found that my American husband spoke some other dialect of English, that I didn't understand!

Things he says that I don't quite get the jist of:-

Bummer, whatever, zuccini, egg plant, rudabega, pocket-book, pants!!!

Things I say he doesn't get:-

Rubbish, swede, knickers, dosh, taking the piss!

We both claim to speak English, but both versions are totally different! lol

My wife (the american) mother tongue is french.

We speak english about 70% of the time, french about 25% and franglais the rest.

As with anything these number shift over time, and after a couple of years in Texas we are noticing more and more spanish slipping into the mix as well.

Right now in Germany, the house language is English. My husband speaks to our daughter in German, but mostly with me he uses English unless we are being stupid or he can't figure out exactly how he wants to say what he wants to say in English (his English is excellent though and it doesn't happen often). Oddly enough, during our visit to the US last week we spoke more German to each other in three weeks than we have in six years of consistent conversation. It seemed oddly natural to switch and we went with it (my German is pretty good). When we move, it looks like we will be making German our house language for most intents and purposes.

To make the long story short in our case.... my husband and I both speak English because we were both born in English speaking countries. Both his parents and mine speak a bit of English but not too much. That means that our kids will have to learn English, Urdu and Spanish in order to communicate with family members. In my case even though I was born here my parents would not allow English at home before we started pre school because they wanted us to learn Spanish fluently. It was not until we got to kindergarten that we got bombarded with another language. The good thing is that by that time, we were already fluent in one language and being young our brains had the ability to absorb the second language with out difficulty because our brains were still in the sponge learning stage, where everything comes naturally. You don’t know how you learn it you just do because you are exposed to it. I am grateful to my parents for what they did because knowing two languages has been a great advantage. I want my kids have this same advantage knowing Spanish and Urdu. My only dilemma is thinking that this will inflict an identity crisis.

I say this out of experience because growing up between two worlds is a bit challenging. At times you feel like you don’t belong any where. In Mexico I would here comments like oh you don’t understand your not a real Mexican you were born in the US your a "Gringo" aka American. Yet here being children of first generation immigrants we were viewed as just "Mexicans". Even after correcting people and telling them “hello I was born here I am American”, they still called me derogatory names such as "wetback”, “spick” beaner” and so on. Too all this I just say that people are ignorant. Personally I wonder if my kids will have a hard time with identity especially when they grow up exposed to four different cultures and languages ( American, British, Mexican and Pakistani/Afghani)

I have met many here that are born from first generation immigrants and they don't know any Spanish/other language because that was a "wrong and shameful" language or "el lenguaje malo". For some of them their parent's Spanish was much better than their English but they decided not to teach them so they wouldn't suffer discrimination and now you have a lot of kids/teenagers/grown ups that wish their parents would have tought them the "other" language. Discrimination doesn't come from knowing more languages, it comes from ignorant people.

I am a true believer on teaching children those languages that connects them with their roots. When they grow up, if they decide to visit those countries, they can communicate. Everytime I see those parents that don't want to share their native languages makes me sad. In my house there is no English spoken with my kids, Spanish only. They have all day to speak English @ school.

Kudos to your parents and for you for teaching your kids in the future those languages. I don't think they would suffer an identity problem, IMO I think they would be happy to know more about their roots. Knowing more languages is always an advantage.

We are both originally Russian, and my husband immigrated to US not so long ago either, so for both of us English is a second language. We speak Russian at home, and I don't believe there is any chance that either of us will ever get rid of the heavy Russian accent
But I know many Russian families in US whose children hardly speak any Russian. The do understand sometimes, but speaking is a challenge! We will continue speaking Russian at home, and the children will pick up English in kindergarden (they somehow do )

We speak English as that's the language we're most fluent in, but between the two of us, we also know smatterings of Cantonese, French, and Spanish, so our future kids will definitely have to learn those (plus Mandarin Chinese too!)

Language's power

Acustoming to American spoken English is alot harder than me and my wife had imagined. Although my wife has a college degree in English, and we understand each others english flawlessly, there is still the factor of other peoples english. No two people speak English the same. Everyone speaks English in different tones, styles, and speeds. Plus nowadays most english is slang anyways. And this can make it very dificult to understand. Ive noticed whats really helped my wife is movies. Watching movies with English subtitles has helped her tremendously. Also talking to other people who speak english, like some friends she has made, like wives of my buddies and stuff.

I'm german and my husband american. When we lived in Germany we mostly spoke german. He didnt speak a word of german when he came. But he took a crashcourse in german and after a half a year I didnt speak english with him anymore. Thats when he really started to pick up thelanguage. When we moved to the states after 2 years he was almost fluent in german. Of course the grammer wasnt always right but he had no problems understanding or talking to people.
Now back in the states we speak both languages in a mix. When we argue I mostly speak german and he english. So we argue in our mother tongues but still understand each other
when we have kids I'd really like to have my kids send to a german school. But unfortunately the only one I could find in boston is very expensive so we might have to teach them german ourselves by talking german at home.
We will see how thats gonna work out

Since I've been with my partner for so long, and he didn't speak a word of English at the beginning, we almost exclusively speak English at home. This has been the case in mexico, and I don't see this changing when he arrives here.

I am actually at a loss for words when arguing with someone in English...I'm so used to doing so in Spanish. Woudln't even know where to begin if he were to suddenly speak in English during an argument.

Hi Everyone,

Good luck with your immigration journeys. In answer to this message thread, I would have to say that the language that we speak, write, and communicate with in our home is English. We don't know any other languages fluently together, so that is the only choice of language that we have (unless we find some other non-verbal way to communicate). As well, the area where I am living in, there is no need to learn any other language except for English.

I admit, growing up, I was forced to learn Chinese, because some of my ex-family members (which have now disowned me) spoke only in that language. It was way too difficult to learn and I never did learn the language properly (I cannot read or write in it and I can only speak a couple of words in it, just enough to ask for directions if I'm lost in Chinatown, or something like that). And frankly, I don't see any need to learn that language ever again.

I also learned a bit of French in elementary school and high school (as it was manditory in Canada), but I never did pick up that language either, as where I lived in Canada there were plenty of things in English and there was really no need to learn it (it was more of a bonus to learn it, really). The only French I encountered in Canada was reading the occasional bilingual forms and bilingual food labels).

Nevertheless, I do encourage other people to learn other languages, for the sake of personal interest, learning about new cultures, and in travelling.

As well, I can somehow understand though that there are struggles in learning English, as I have taught ESL to adults and children before. Believe me, for them it was not an easy task for them to learn English. The key to learning English (or anything else in life) is to practice, practice, practice and to have a lot of patience, patience, patience. Yes, even if it means speaking only English to the person that has a hard time learning the new language. It will take time, but eventually they will pick up the English language. And if that is the main language to communicate here in USA, then that will motivate them to pick up English even faster. Take it one day at a time, one English word at a time...

Ant

When Tao gets mad at me she goes off in Chinese and everything is fine two minutes later. I think she enjoys that I just got my butt chewed and I have nothing to say in return.

Haha, I dream and think in English, but there are certains words, emotions, and phrases that cannot be translated into English very well from Chinese (and this is probably true of all languages). So, sometimes I'd sneak in a Chinese phrase here and there even though Jason's not Chinese

It's also fun when there are English movies with some characters speaking in Chinese. Jason would turn to me and ask if the English subtitles are true to what the characters are REALLY saying.

When my fiance and I first met, he didn't speak much English and my Spanish was pretty weak. For the first six months we lived together, we spoke 95% Spanish (and he helped me and corrected me) but over the course of the next year his English really started to improve and he became a lot more comfortable speaking English. At some point, I realized that we were speaking almost entirely in English (while I helping him and correcting him) and my Spanish was going downhill. So now I never speak Spanish with him and he always speaks English with me. It's great for him because now he has a job that requires him to speak English -one he never would have gotten before - and it's great continued practice for him. At the same time, I totally miss speaking Spanish with him and hearing him speak it. Sometimes when I'm in Mexico with him on the Metro I tell him, Spanish Only! Or at random times I'll tell him Spanish only . . . like in the old days! We still have many misunderstandings and then we switch into the other language to clarify and he prefers to argue in English to be 100% sure that I understand him (which I don't always anyway!)

I speak and write Canadian; he speaks and writes Southern US American. Fortunately, both are predicated on English so we only have occasional problems with words that have different meanings and connotations. All of you who are creating lasting relationships with two or even three different languages - you have my admiration and respect for what you are doing. Relationships are hard enough when you both speak the same (almost) language, let alone something different!

(Definition of Southern US American: words with one syllable are pronounced with three or more syllables; words of three or more syllables are pronounced with only one syllable, slurred ).

I already answered above about my situation, but Kathryn's comment got me thinking...I'm so used to arguing, joking, screaming, whatever with my SO in Spanish, and sometimes during the fighting, I'd get so frustrated that he couldn't see my point of view. I thought it was because of a language barrier. then after talking to my friends who have native English speaking partners, I realized that they would have similar arguments with their SOs and they couldn't get through to their partners either. I always thought they were lucky to share the same language but then I realized that there are so many other factors involved that thwart understanding and it wasn't just the language. For us, part of it is cultural (traditional Maya fellow from a tiny village and independent, liberal qhite girl from upper middle class America) but in many ways, we've been able to deal with those cultural things.

I am from Poland but have lived in the US since I was 9, and my fiance is from Mexico. We met and lived together in Spain so we have always communicated in Spanish from the beginning and any arguments we've had were in Spanish too. I am fluent in Spanish, so we have not had many problems in that aspect, but I can't seem to speak English with my fiance as hard as I try! He really needs the practice since he will be moving here soon and will need to interview for jobs. I know that by speaking English with him I would help him tremendously, but we both agree that it is awkward for us to speak English since we have always been speaking Spanish together. It's just like it's awkward for me to speak English with my parents since we have always spoken Polish. I have always loved languages and speak Polish, English, Spanish and Portuguese, and I relate each language to the person I am speaking with. Just like I relate Polish to my parents, I relate Spanish to my fiance.

My question is - in the future, if we raise our kids in the US, and I speak Polish with the kids while my fiance speaks Spanish with them, will that be too confusing or will they learn to associate each language with the person they are speaking with? This way they would respond to me in Polish and to their father in Spanish, but then how would we have entire family conversations? And is it wrong to speak Polish to my kids in front of my husband if he does not understand it? The alternative is to just speak English to the kids, but they would get English in school anyway and I just think it would be so enriching to have them learn Polish and Spanish from the beginning as well.

Hi Kathryn,

I agree, there are differences with the same language that are in different dialects. Like you, I write Canadian English, but my husband and the other Americans around here write American English. Lol....this isn't a problem though, except that there are some interesting debates when it comes to writing in Canadian English and American English (by the way, I still prefer Canadian English in terms of writing and spelling words).

Ant

AgRo...there's so much interesting info out there about raising multilingual kids, and what I've come to understand only scratches the surface.

Your kids should have no problems understanding and learning Spanish and Polish if you start speaking to them from the womb on. They won't be able to differentiate with whom to speak which language, as they don't seem to understand that they're speaking different languages until their like five or so. The only problem I could see is with having the languages reinforced outside of the home so that they truly learn them, but if they live in a Hispanic area and hang with your parents, they'll be able to deal.

Of course, they have to want to learn these languages. If not, they'll probably end up only understanding and not speaking. Example, a friend of mine (actually her parents were from Poland!) married a Mexican guy and they had two kids, one who was really interested in learning English (they live in Mexico) and the other not...now that they're adults, her daughter speaks English with an American accent and her son with a thick Mexican accent because he didn't want to learn or speak English. She loved to tell me that when he was little and looking for his socks, he asked her "Mama, donde puse mis socketines!"

And my boyfriend is Mayan, but nobody ever made an effort to speak to him in Maya so he sucks at speaking it although he understands everything. His older brothers spent a lot of time with their grandparents who didn't speal any Spanish, and they speak Maya really well. He actually feels bad about not being able to communicate really well in Maya.

I know what you mean about not being able to speak English with your SO...no matter how hard we try, we go back to Spanish and if I speak English to him, I start speaking in my ESL teacher voice, which is irritating.

Sorry for the long post, but this really interests me!

Eric and I speak english all the time, since the beginning, he still doesnt speak spanish and I dont think he will ever speak spanish good enough for us to use it at home...so when we have kids he is not going to understand a thing

He has a 'spanish for dummies' book, now he just has to actually open it and take a look...I only speak spanish while on the phone with my family or when i get mad and start spitting words i thankful he cannot understand

I have also told him the spanish from Spain (mine) is very different from the spanish from other spanish speaking countries to the point of being ununderstandable sometimes...I normally joke about it telling him not to worry since that is not 'real spanish'

English is a second language for both of us, but that's the one we mostly use. I am fluent in Spanish and intermediate in Italian and French.
She was learning Italian in her country and her native languages are Russian/Ukrainian. Here in the US she is taking English and Spanish classes and I am taking a Russian course. When we talk we use a mix of all this languages and sometimes it's funny because we make up words combining them all.

English is a second language for both of us, but that's the one we mostly use. I am fluent in Spanish and intermediate in Italian and French.
She was learning Italian in her country and her native languages are Russian/Ukrainian. Here in the US she is taking English and Spanish classes and I am taking a Russian course. When we talk we use a mix of all this languages and sometimes it's funny because we make up words combining them all.

English is a second language for both of us, but that's the one we mostly use. I am fluent in Spanish and intermediate in Italian and French.
She was learning Italian in her country and her native languages are Russian/Ukrainian. Here in the US she is taking English and Spanish classes and I am taking a Russian course. When we talk we use a mix of all this languages and sometimes it's funny because we make up words combining them all.


English is a second language for both of us, but that's the one we mostly use. I am fluent in Spanish and intermediate in Italian and French.
She was learning Italian in her country and her native languages are Russian/Ukrainian. Here in the US she is taking English and Spanish classes and I am taking a Russian course. When we talk we use a mix of all this languages and sometimes it's funny because we make up words combining them all.

My fiance does not speak English - he barely began classes before we started this process - but did not continue as he works a lot and was paying $$ for those classes.
I have already signed him up for 2 separate ESOL classes which I hope to keep him busy and teach him well. He is very serious about learning English and I hope he can communicate a bit more by the time we visit my family in the end of May. I think he will work hard but I know (from experience) that it is hard.
I speak both Spanish and Portuguese.
I only have one friend who speaks Portuguese, but the rest, my closest friends, mostly speak Spanish as their native language. I'm hoping this will help him communicate at least a little until he learns English.
It is beneficial to him to learn Spanish anyway since we live in central Florida.

My husband lived in Germany so he speaks German. We mix the languages the whole time. We mostly speak German when we are in the supermarket or somewhere else public so that most people won't understand what we are talking about. When we argue, I argue in German only, hihi. He argues back in English!