Actually its a quote from Oprah Winfrey:
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Just thought I'd add my .02cents worth.
Sweetee

Well I hope all is well...As a Nigerian-American engaged to a Nigerian...who lives in UK there are many differences however, I have a great relationship with his family...and with having lots of sisters it helps because they are women, so without me even mentioning certain things as a woman they talk to him freely and I just laugh to myself...

I guess it helps that I've been exposed to both worlds with a head start, so at times I automatically know when to turn into one of my personalities, which is all me I guess...but I just balance into the flow of things...and at times...I see with my upbringing...that one of my cultural personality can dominate the other cultural personality (HEHEHE!!!!)

But take it one day at a time...Take care and many bLessings...
Also in the DC Area...

I never heard Oprah say this, but personally I got it from Susan Taylor's (ESSENCE Magazine) book entitled "In The Spirit". Nevertheless, it is definitely words of wisdom to live by.

bump...does anyone have anything from the original post?

I was just thinking about this old thread yesterday......LOL
Nothing else to add...he is still not here !

What about the website information, do you still have any of that information? This was very interesting to read and some very important topics to think about and to discuss with your SO.

Thanks everyone for sharing!!!

My SO isn't here yet so I don't have anything to add, as of right now.

Thank you for being so kind. I would like to introduce myself to you and everyone else here. My neme is Dorothy and I am engaged to a wonderful Nigerian man. I joined this site in January of this year and I have been coming on this forum reading for the longest but never really introduced myself. My fiance's name is Diony and we are doing the K-1 process which seems to be going pretty well so far. This thread has really helped me so much to understand that I need to get to know my soon to be husbands culture as well as him getting to know mine. I see that after this process we will go through several more processes including getting to know each other as husband and wife and putting together our cultures to make a happy home. I never thought about marriage counseling or precounseling. But now that you mention it this sounds like a very good thing to do. If you would e-mail me the lessons I would appreciate it so very much. My e-mail address is dottkayyparnell@sbcglobal.net and you can send it there. I will also get with a counselor before Diony comes and set up some counseling after he comes.

Now getting to the original question I can see how there will be differences and challenges in our marriage. We are going to have to get over many things such as understand each others accents, religion (he is Catholic and I am Protestant), food, and many other things. As time goes on I will be posting some of our good times and some of our bad. Take care everyone and may God bless you on the rest of your journey.

I've been surprised to find that Ombeni and I don't really have that many cultural differences. He's more materialistic than I expected, he respects women, and he isn't homophobic. Our biggest problem is when I get upset about something and can't explain it perfectly to him, but he's good about remaining calm and patient.

Same here - Gbenga and I don't have that many cultural differences. I think being the same religion helps that some. But anyway, the only thing I've had to get used to is that sometimes when something is bothering him, he doesn't want to discuss it right away. And it's taken him quite awhile to open up to me about certain things. He's a very private person. I, on the other hand, am very open and expressive. I will tell you anything you want to know and I like to talk about things that bother me and get them out and over with. This difference hasn't really caused any problems, we've just had to get used to they way we both handle things that bother us. He's very good at listening to me when I need to "vent." And I'm getting better at waiting until he is ready to talk.

More cultural clashes become evident as time goes on and especially during
the everyday living together in marriage.
Wait until you have some arguements and use certain words like rude or silly !
WW3 may break out !
....calling Princess Metzger......

LOL, yes m'am...I know about the word silly.

you heard me call all the way in Texas........

thanks for arriving so quickly ......

NO PROBLEM. lol.

Jenn: I have to say that my husband seems to be the same way with not talking about things right away, but I see this as more of a character trait than a cultural difference. In fact he and I are much the same way in that respect. If I have an issue or I am upset, I don't like to talk a lot either. Rather, I want to think about the situation and then talk.

Going into my relationship I expected so many cultural clashes to come up either based on my own experiences or hearing it from other people, but I am realizing (at least in my relationship) that the gap is not as wide as I thought.

I haven't noticed much of a gap with mine, either. Liberians are very American in their thinking so we agree and have the same viewpoints on a lot of things. Booker is very open with me. I think he may be a little more open than I am and he is always willing to "discuss" things. One of the cultural clashes I have noticed are the meaning of words (as Omoba mentioned earlier). He takes a word for it's literal meaning and I am a very sarcastic and hardly use a word for it's literal meaning. That can cause some friction between us sometimes because I see it as a joke and he sees it as an insult. I told him he better lighten up before he gets to America or he'll be walking around offended and feeling insulted all day. He will have to learn that Americans can use one word in several different ways, not just the literal meaning in the dictionary.

LOL! That is so true. My fiance takes things in the literal sense as well.

LOL....the word that keeps me in trouble and I love to use....DUH....lol

LOL. mine is "you're so silly" or "you're so crazy"...in a laughing and joking manner. He gets completely quiet and then starts his rant about not using those words as jokes and to look in the dictionary for the true meaning and I will then understand why it isn't so funny. Geez, I was JUST JOKING!!!

This is so interesting to me. I thought I was the only one using the word "rude" and your right....It does cause WW3. To me it is not much of an insulting word. Sometimes it just pops out. I'm getting better at realizing which words are offensive....Does anyone have an example of a alternative word or phrase that can be used to get my point across without starting a big argument?

instead of rude you can try ' insensitive ', or ' thoughtless.'
Anyone has any other words that would offend but that we think nothing off ?

I often use the phrase "That is so stupid" ie., driving on the highway, something on TV, etc., etc. (not specifically directed at my husband), but he thinks that's one of the worst things to come out of my mouth.

I have the same problem when I talk to my fiance. Sometimes I say soemthing in all manner of being sarcastic and he gets upset with me. My mistake was thinking that I was "Ghanaian" enough to not make these little mistakes because I have been going there frequently over the years and it is my second home. I thought I was so assimilated in the culture that I would not make such a mistake. WRONG!!
As much as I try to remember that the person on the other end of the line is not familiar with my little quirks (sometimes that is hard to forget) the reponses I get are "Huh?" and his favorite phrase is "I don't understand your American slang" which cracks me up (but sometimes it makes the situation worse )
So yeah, that is my 2 cents.
But like everything else, it takes time.
Patience is a virtue

Oh, I forgot that one! I say that a lot, too and in the same way you say it. Booker will say (with his cute little accent) "Shaun, how can you say SUCH A THING!?! I don't care what you are referring to, it is never a good habit to call anything stupid, OH!" ROFL. I get so tired of having to explain to him that it's not meant literally, lol.



Booker says that too and then he will say, "Well, I am a Liberian and in my own Liberian way, we don't say things like that...I want you to go check it up good in the dictionary and tell me who is wrong...Liberians or Americans?" lol.

I get that too all the time about the dictionary thing! Sometimes he's like "Why don't you go get a dictionary and tell me what that word means" and I don't know whether to laugh or cry because he used to be a teacher and we all know that teachers know everything

LOL, they sure do!

This thread is funny....

In my situation, we dealt with the meaning of words by having conversations. Mainly, it took my husband realizing that my intention is not disprespectful towards him in using certain words and that I have been using them for over 25 years and i will not change overnight. On my side, I do try to not use words or phrases that I have now learned are offensive to my man. but if i happen to say one, its not a big deal anymore. he knows my intentions. If i want to get a point across in an arguement that what he is saying is rude. i am ask him if understands the meaning or consequences of what he is really saying---and he does the same with me too.

Both partners need lots of patience in a bicultural relationship.

My phrase is "shut up" "for real" "shut up". I usually say this when I am excited or find out about some exciting news. So, when he told me about a mutual friend having a baby I responded with "shut up". The phone was dead for a minute and I said are you still there? He said you told me to shut up and why did you say that to me? I could tell he was offended and I tried to explain. End result he didn't like it and was offended.

I'll try better next time.

This is so true! My husband is from Cameroon and I can totally relate.

good way to word it. I may start using that myself. Starting today !

By now I think my husband is understanding my sarcasm so it's not a big deal anymore. But early on, he just didn't get it. So I understand totally about the taking-it-literally situation. My issue sometimes with him is his tone. He will mean no harm in asking me to do something, but sometimes I feel like it's my father asking me. At first I found myself snapping back because well....I just don't like to be *told* what to do. However, knowing him, I know he's not the type to be that way. And any time I bring up his tone, he re-iterates that he is not trying to act like the "chief of the house." So I chalk it up the tone thing as a nuance used in speaking his native language. After spending time in his country I have learned to understand that sometimes peope just talk to each other differently than we might here.

Hello everyone,

My fiance is Nigerian. Any insight into Nigerian men? I haven't noticed too many cultural differences thus far. However, we are near the end of the K1 process and haven't lived together yet.


Shanon

In nigeria there are basically 3 tribal types....ibo, hausa, and yorba. I have friends from all 3 tribes.....and they have there differences. My husband is ibo, and he is a Christian man.....we do have our "differences", but we respect eachother and understand that God created us that way....to have our own thoughts and theories.
His upbringing and how women should be is different.....I respect that...but I have to also let him know that we are not in Nigeria and my coulture is different....it is a man/women's world here It is very important to recognize and respect the differences.....but to accept and love eachother regardless and build a foundation together that will include eachother's differences

Ombeni does that too! I think it's partially to do with the fact that Tanzanian society in general is more "polite" than what I'm used to. It's impolite to talk about your problems, or something. That's verrrrry frustrating sometimes, when he's visibly upset and tries to convince me that he's fine. It's okay to be unhappy sometimes!

That's what concerns me most about making this transition... there are going to be unexpected, unpleasant things he will experience here, and he's just going to bottle everything up.