Yeah, I once told my fiance' via e=mail that I just could not wait until he got here meaning I would be so excited. He responded with a long letter about patience and please don't say such things as he wanted me to wait for him etc.!! Many times things like this have happened, especially when e-mailing!

that just made me laugh sooo hard!

I don't want to be rude in any way; but from your timeline of time actually spent in one's company, I'm thinking you really do need to talk to a lot of people on here who have experienced marriage to Nigerian men.

Yeah, I once told my fiance' via e=mail that I just could not wait until he got here meaning I would be so excited. He responded with a long letter about patience and please don't say such things as he wanted me to wait for him etc.!! Many times things like this have happened, especially when e-mailing!
[/quote]

We had the same misunderstanding......

Or whenever I'd sarcastically say the jargon word, "Whatever", after he say something smarty pants, he will literally crack up laughing on that one.

Okay what is meant by "snubbing" (sp?) I want to make sure that I'm doing it right whatever it is....lol Seriously what is meant by that??

As I mentioned before, my fiance is from Lagos, Nigeria. I remember talking to him about the different Nigerian tribes. There was a long explanation, but the short of it is he's from an "Edo state".

I thought this old thread has some real good discussions on adjustment advice and is sprinkled with humor here and there.
Maybe someone can get something out of it even though it is ancient.

just because its old, doesn't mean it aint relevent.

deja vu does that apply to age too ?

yes ma'am

Good thread

One of my favorites, I remember laughing and learning at the same time in a positive way.

I remember this thread. Definately a cool one.

Yes, awesome thread. I'm reading some of the posts and i can't stop cracking up. I can relate so much. Being a Sierra Leonean myself isn't much help either, my fiance and I still have those "communication differences".

I agree, this is a great thread!

You know one of the things that drives me nuts about my SO's culture is that they are so laid back and take things as they come. Here's a perfect example... my SO lives with his family, well they are moving and he will be rooming with a friend of his. We know that the Embassy was/is planning on doing a home visit (feels like scan or something, lol) and it's stressing me out that he doesn't know the address to where his family will be moving to. I ask him about it a couple of times a day and he keeps saying his mom doesn't know yet. She's moving today and I want him to go to the Embassy in the morning to give them the new address info just in case they plan on visiting this week and he's determined to do it on Monday. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

We're actually a great contrast to each other because he can settle me down and I can try to inspire him to hurry the hell up, lol.

Maybe it's men in general and not a cultural thing. Time just doesn't really seem to be an issue over there from what I can tell

Bassi is the same way, but I HAVE to share this because it was a great moment for me. I've been nutty about some work Bassi has been doing on mom's house in Amasaman. (his mom) Well, I kept telling him to hurry up and get it done. Make a list of everything he'll need, get it all and then go and do it. I was basically the foreman from across the Atlantic. Needless to say he told me not to worry and it drove me crazy. Some of you will remember my torment as I did have a small venting moment here about how long it was taking him to get this work done. Well, last week, he was talking about something about this project that wasn't yet done and he was worried about finishing it and wanted it to be done already so he could concentrate on the interview. He actually said, quite casually, I should have listened to you and organized myself and gotten this finished earlier so I wouldn't be thinking about it now. I nearly choked on my own saliva. I MADE him repeat it and had a moment of nirvana. But I know it's not gonna change a thing.

I remember reading your vent about this and remember chuckling about it because it reminded me of Tony and I and foreman across the Atlantic is a good way to put it. He always gets things done and everything always ends up being just fine it just doesn't end up always going according to my perfectly layed out plan

You should have recorded him saying that girl.... may not hear it again for a while, lol.

Girl, that ain't nothing but African Time. Booker used to (and still does ) live on Liberian Time. It's really frustrating to an anal, time-based American person. His relaxed behavior makes me very nervous at times. His cousin in Liberia asked us to make her some invitiations for her son's b-day party. I bugged my SO about those forever. He finally decided to Fedex them a week before the party and now they arrived there FOUR days before the party. I was so mad that he cut it that close. We worked too hard on those invitations to have them show up a. too late or b. only FOUR days before the party.

Oh I bet.... nervous is a good description. It doesn't make me angry, it just stresses me out!

And when they say they're on their way...... later that same day (like 3 hours later)! LOL

Right! My husband will say I am going to call you right back, "just right now" . I used to get anoid but now have come to realize "just right now" usually means 3 or more hours from "right now"

I got annoyed in the beginning too because we are such "literal beings" lol and of course keepers of time (American's I mean). Once I went over there I quickly realized that everything is difficult and takes a long time to get around and do stuff. What an adjustment my baby will have when and IF he ever get's over here, lol.

This thread has so much good infomation.

I think that alot of people are not prepared for the adjustment period after they get here. All you think in your head is " YAY my baby is here and we are going to be together yada yada yada" * sunshine and rainbows * (come on you all thought\think that) And THEN.....

There is trouble at home. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, read and let all of this information sink in. I personally think the immigrating him here part was a breeze compared to the adjustment time. And dont think that this rocky road is going to last only a few weeks.... Hell NAW!! Things did not smooth out for us until after our first wedding anniversary. Believe me when I tell you what a wild ride that was. There were days that I did not know if we were going to make it. But we are commited to each other and we worked through it. Sometimes we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time. Neither one of us thought it was going to be so hard, I wish someone would have told me so I could have been prepared, when the shiznat hit the fan!! At least I could have moved out of the way and not been splattered so bad!!

Anyway if you are apart, take the time to get some books and read up on the culture. There are several books that have been mentioned in this forum that are full of good information, (*Omoba this is your que for the names of said books) lots of websites as well. Look for some groups that perhaps relate to your SO culture.

If you are together and he is here, take the time to get some books and read up on the culture. There are several books that have been mentioned in this forum that are full of good information, (*Omoba this is your que for the names of said books) lots of websites as well. Look for some groups that perhaps relate to your SO culture.

hee hee see my point. Arm yourselves with education so you have some idea where he is coming from. You will have a much easier time relating and understanding the differences.

You are going to need a truckload of patience. Please remember that once your SO is here, you are the link to teaching about our culture (gently teach gently) Some peoples SOs have never left thier home country so the shock may be pretty big.


P

Thanks for the insight P

I guess I will bump the book thread

Pete Agbo Loving the African male

William Fami Awodala Home Improvement Series


Here you have the books.

Thanks Heather. I have thought some about this and talked some with Bassi about it as well. We have to wait and see what it really is and what really happens, but we've both committed to go to our corners rather than duking it out. (Okay, I agreed to go to my corner cause I the arguer in the relationship) To be honest, I'm looking forward to the pain. I think once we make it through the wilderness our relationship will be stronger and ready to deal with the storms that brew outside of our relationship. We plan to share dentures.

That's love gurl!

Zainab: Open wide, sweet Bassi.
Bassi: My mouth is open and ready, I love you, girl!

STOP! I'm at work!

LMAO!!!!

Oh my gosh you guys are crazy, this is the best ! Show us some blending and merging girl...... this takes the cake !
First prize for the most compromising and well adjusted couple goes to ..........Bassi and Zainab.

OMG!!! I second that!!!

Hmmm, sharing dentures. That's some real bonding right there. I'll have to ask my sweety about that to see what he thinks.

HA HA !! Dentures\BONDING!!! Good PUN!!

I just wanted to bump this again in case there is anyone who would like to share some stories or insights,I just think that there is good info in this thread....

I SO WISH I WOULD HAVE READ THIS THREAD SO VERY LONG AGO!!!! OMG! It would have spared me a lot of frustration!

I just spent over an hour reading the WHOLE thread cracking up, relating, as well as having many aha moments. My husband was getting so annoyed with me because I kept saying "baby you remember when we use to do that..."

I am a typical New Yorker who loves to say: "you are so stupid!" Translation: You are mad funny Second Translation: You are hilarious

Can I tell you how pissed off my husband would get?!?!!? If you don't know... anything that may be perceived as a negative reference made to the intelligence/ability of most foreign black will be taken as the biggest insult. If you don't have a lot of African friends or family members who around you...check out Nigerian/Ghanaian movies.

Example of these offensive words: useless man, stupid, idiot etc... (these terms are more common among Nigerians than Ghanaians although now they are picking up popularity in Ghanaian movies)

Long story short, the hubby now realizes that I am not trying to insult him (cause that would be like insulting myself, right? Marrying an idiot? )

Now: He tells me every other day that I am "so stupid!". I happen to be a pretty witty person...I think

It's funny to hear him say all the slang terms that I pretty much grew up with. My cousins from Houston has him saying: "You loser!" which cracks me up

I say: "Cornball" which he likes equally as much

Great thread guys! Thanks for bringing it back!

After my SO told me something important I was kind of surprised and said : Are you serious ? As in Are you kidding / joking........
he was all mad because I said that and yelled........no I am NOT serious, NOT serious at all blah blah......why must you ask me such thing......

I told him it means the same as his : Tell me something ! He apologized for having a hissy fit

I just wanted to bump this, Lovin Famos post is sort of inline with this....

Again bumping for the "if I only knew content" for newbies.............or not newbies

Not to be critical, but I think any African man would find it being a problem, when his wife is out late, hanging with the girls. I grew up here in the US, and for some reason it doesn't compute to me at all. Does that mean you shouldn't go out? Nah, but take a little consideration for the man, its a marriage and not partnership. Concessions are made, things are given up. Hanging with the girls, doesn't happen much in African countries, let alone in African communities here in the US. Just my perspective... no disrespect.

I respectfully disagree. My experiences are in rural Ghana so I'm sure it is different elsewhere and no major generalization can be made. Women were always with a group of women. They walk to farm together, clean the clothes together, and walk to the borehole together. At night they all eat from the same plate in a circle while the men are at a different plate all together. The men expect the women to be in groups like that. It is for safety and socialization. Late at night there are other fears so they don't venture far from the home, but luckily they live in compounds where the whole group is already together.

I agree there should be consideration. I disagree that it is not a partnership. Marriage is a partnership. How would it not be seen as such?

My experience matches yours and I was both in the city of Accra for a while and in the countryside on my last visit in Dar Ul Salam. The women do everything together. And at night when work was done they sit around and talk and laugh and listen to the radio. It was very common and sometimes groups of women would get together on Sunday between houses and talk and laugh. They had a good ole time. No alcohol. Sometimes snacks like groundnuts I noticed. It was lots of fun. I don't think it's so unusual for women to hang out. I think that some African men may have an issue with not knowing the people you are hanging out with and the added fear that there may be men in the group here in the US. It was very very unusual to see a male-female mixed groups hanging out late together.

My experiences match Kanyiri and Zainab's. Maybe it is different in Nigeria.

In Ghana, there is definitely a "hanging with the girls" mentality. Its the same for the boys. And it happened at night and in the day time. I know that whenever we were going out it would always be in groups. On market days all the girls would get ready together and then discuss what they were going to buy and then go to the market together. You always see them in groups. In my town, my uncle played movies at night and if we wanted to go, we always had to go with someone else. If no one wanted to go with you then you had to stay home.

I think any man, not only African men, would have an issue with their woman staying out late if he does not know who she is going out with. I think the opposite is true as well. I know that when we were apart and he was going out I would ask him who he was going out with, and he would do the same with me. Its just something we had to deal with. What does he expect me to do, give up my friends and sit at home like a hermit? Like we both say, "I was taking care of myself before I met you". Yes, there are certain concessions we need to make, certain aspects of our lives that we need to change, but, it comes from both sides.

Why shouldn't the man have some consideration for her? Is she supposed to give up being with her friends to satisfy him? I think not.

Marriage IS a partnership because if not it is a dictatorship and someone is not going to be happy.

Please don't take my partnership out of context. What I mean is that their relationship is beyond just a simple relationship, of boyfriend and girlfriend, or even fiance and fiancee. I just put myself in his shoes, and felt that if she was out consistently with her girls, it would bother me, depending on what exactly she was doing. If it was church or spiritually related, for work, or even cultural means, I truly understand that. I am not a brute. But if she is consistently out, because she needs time with the girls, that would raise a red flag to me. Its kinda like a guy who is out consistently with the guys, and comes home drunk and falls over at the door or goes straight to bed. I'm not comparing her situation to that, but I'm giving an example so I have you understand where I am coming from.

Well I am not married as of yet and feel this is a great topic. My fiance was not the problem but his sibling. Once his brother (who I call my brother) told me in so many terms you need to hurry and get here to Africa so we can all be a happy family. I felt so bad and I was thinking WOW! does he not know I'm doing this on my own? Meaning my fiance can't assist me with the things I need to get to him (flight, passport etc, wedding arrang). And I have no issue with that.

So I def agree with the writing things down on paper so they See what the bills are! For me I had to text it. lol But I had to explain to my family in Africa what the cost is to get to my fiance and what I pay here in the US. When they saw all the cost they finally said (over the phone) WOW! that costs a lot. I ex that was what I was trying to tell them all along. Now they all are so understanding and say come when you can and take your time as we will be patient.

But my fiance and I talk about things like that now. I ex to him gas prices here and costs for me as I manage things on my own. We have open communication about cost and money. So I hope when we are together we don't have any issues with talking about bills/finances. Not saying that we wont disagree but know that we have the understanding that we will need to discuss things like this.

And I agree with others about the jacket. If he wanted to wear it I would just let him wear it. Im trying to as well work on the differences we have coming from different cultures but the small things I'm trying to just let go of. B/c something small can end up as a bigger issue and its not worth it. I do feel that a married couple should not withhold things from one another. So with the finances,bills,how much they bring home, or saved up I don't in my Opinion feel it should be something the other would not know about.

My fiance feels bad as he told me in Africa the man does for the women. My mom always told me never take a mans pride away (not saying that you have jus sharing what my mom reminds me of)! I know it hurts him as he told me I'm doing everything and he cant assist at all. He even felt bad telling me that he can't assist his elderly parents b/c he does not make very much. But I ex to him as a goal that we can assist his parents and my mom when we are together. I have even picked up a second job and he feels so bad. But I will do anything for him=4US and he knows that. So I make sure to praise him for anything he does (ie calls to me, txt), as I appreciate it. So once we talked over things like this he is more open.

I know your situation is a lot diff then mine...I think talking to him when you are not feelin frustrated but feel calm and let him know how you feel etc..
Hang in there and things will work out for you both!

Good points Taye500!