Hello everyone.

Me and my SO having been living together for almost 6 months now. He's from Ethiopia and I'm American. Our relationships isn't what I expected at all. He's a loving and gentle guy. I'm fairly laid back person but we are constantly arguing over things that later turn out to be misunderstandings or cultural differences. I am really having a hard time. We try to discuss things but I end up feeling REALLY frustrated. I'm just curious. Are there some cultural issues that I am missing?

Money. He likes having nice things. When he wasn't working I took care of both of us and he just didn't understand why the finances caused me stress. Now that he's been working, he's all about saving his money and thinking about the future. And he doesn't want me to know exactly how much money he has. he says that in his culture women don't ask men how much money they have. We are figuring out a compromise and a financial plan. But I was shocked that he just has a hard time understanding living expenses and bills. He seems reluctant to spend a lot of money on bills. He says that when he was home he always had money to spend and that he expected to have alot of money once he started working. My response was, "welcome to America. we're all broke" I say this slightly jokingly. We live in DC, which is one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Listening. He doesn't like to listen to me sometimes. When he first got here in June we were going to a get together. He wanted to wear his leather jacket. I was like, its too hot for leather. He just wouldn't listen to me. Finally I was insistent that he could not wear it he gave in. Its very hot in July even at night. I just couldn't understand why he didn't believe me. That's the perfect example of what I don't get. I love him and want to help him understand how things work here but i swear to God, he's quick to disagree with me. I can't force him to listen but sometimes its a drain.

Communication. This is getting a little bit better. But my husband just doesn't like explaining things. And no matter how many times we agree to communicate, it just doesn't work out that way.

Anyway, I want to make our relationship work. I'd welcome some insights.
Sonya

Interesting post and I hope we will have a lot of participation from Western Africa.

I studied the culture first to know what will be ahead so issues won't take you by surprise. However there are some things you just won't know until you live together for an extended time.
It would be helpful to get a cultural diverse support system to discuss things with in your area.

Clothes.....my fiance has excellent taste in clothes so whatever he wears is just fine. As a matter of fact sometimes I have asked him what I should wear.
As far as the jackets and coats , let him make the decision and 'sweat' it out and find out for himself that he will be hot. He may not be hot in the jacket and quiet comfortable, his
climate tolerance is probably completely different than yours. And who cares what everyone else thinks at the party, they will understand.

Communication......The most important part of sharing a life together. It may be more
of a personality issue than cultural, I don't know. Though African men usualy and generaly
speaking do not explain themselves a lot to their wives, it is vital that he makes some adjustments on this for the relationship. Men just take off and go with other groups of men
and leave their wives at home, I rarely saw couples hand in hand walking together.
Which brings me to the issue of affection. I think W. African men are a little more reserved
showing affection , be it in puplic or private. It is more about poise and respect with them.
It can be gently suggested that needs for affection with us may be greater.

Money.........Yes, the W.African male likes to buy nice things and have a little money in his pocket, who doesn't. He should have a spending budget as should you to do with as you please. And yes, most do not understand that Americans are very much in debt and have high bills to pay every month. They think in America everyone is rich, what a shock to find out this is not so. I have told my fiance about my debt and monthly payments ahead of time to soften the blow when he gets here. I have shared with him when I was broke at times.

Both partners must make cultural adjustments to make it work. If one is not happy
about something it must be brought to the table and discussed. Pick and choose what you can and can't live with and try to overlook minor things like clothes in order to get bigger issues like finances resolved. If as you say he won't 'listen' maybe he just wants to make his own choices and they will be different from yours. There is no right or wrong. Allow him to be himself.
Would like to hear a little humor thrown in here also as it can be quiet funny
with little odd things .......things we find odd that is or they find really crazy about our ways here in the US.
I would like to hear other views and experiences with W. African men.
Some comments from W. African men would be also helpful here.

S,

My wife is from East Africa. She asked me to pass this on about the culture:

Apply the culture in all things, fully apply the culture. In East African culture, the man is the provider, buys all things and the woman assists. The man takes care of all needs, that is the man's duty.

I'll talk to my husband later to get his perspective on this, but I can share mine with you.

Money - The number one reason for divorces in the US (among American citizen couples) is money disputes. Granted yours has the extra dimension of adding someone from a different culture, but even if you had married a born and raised American, you still would have had money issues. If he doesn't want to tell you how much money he's making then make him pay all the bills and your income becomes the fun money. That's how it happens in my husband's country, so if your husband is still clinging to that culture, then fine: he pays the bills. Personally my husband and I would have constant arguments if he tried to keep anything secret from me, but we also had two years of living together in his country where we figured a lot of this stuff out. Your husband may still be getting used to the higher status that women have here and may feel threatened by it. Hopefully in time he will come around. Just try not to step on his pride or he will retaliate. Men of all cultures need to feel trusted and honored. If they aren't then they become bitter. Women need to feel loved, men need to feel honored and trusted.

Pick and choose what arguments are important to you. Him wearing a jacket that was too hot for the season really doesn't affect you, so why start the argument? Tell him it's warm outside, and if he doesn't care then let him wear it. After staying in the US longer and being surrounded by the US culture he will start to adapt - on his own time. My husband has to polish his shoes every time he wears them, and if they are tennis shoes he has to wash them - thoroughly - every couple weeks. I can not understand this for the life of me b/c my tennis shoes have never been washed - unless I'm walking in the rain and they get wet so that the rain does all the work for me. I've given up trying to explain this to him, and let him spend the hours washing his shoes. He also won't leave the house without washing his face - even to just walk the dog. He is very particular about his appearance.

Anyway, just make sure your husband doesn't think you are directly attacking him b/c nothing will get accomplished if that is the case. There are quite a few couples in the DC area that are American - African combinations. I'm one and I know of at least two others personally, but I know for a fact that there are more. You may want to try to find a couple like that to hang out with. That way you can see that what you are going through is normal.

I hope things become easier for you soon!

Kanyiri

For the moment I will keep my comment brief (I'm at work).

As for the Finance ... After explaining to my husband for several months the bills, when they are due, etc. I finally came up with an alternative other than a verbal explanation. Here it goes:

#1) Write out on a sheet of paper EVERY bill that you have. For example:

Name of the bill Ex: Phone Bill
The amount due: $$$
When it is due

THEN ....

For revolving accounts try this:
Name of the Bill
The minimum amount due: $$
When it is due:
Then at the bottom put in parenthesis () the total balance.

Then attach the original of every bill. Take the time to highlight the important things .... Company name, account #, due date, total balance, etc., etc. Be prepared to due this for several months cycle of bills.

That way he 'sees' what is going on. It also helps him to understand how a $100 pair of shoes can go towards paying off the balance on a card.

#2) Make a budget and stick with it. In the meantime, make him responsible for paying a bill (this works whether you have a joint account or not). And if a bill is not paid, be sure that he understands that their is a consequence. Here is a situation that we experienced shortly after my husband arrived.

I was teaching him how to write checks. His job was to write the check for the utility bill and place it in the mail. Because I have already shown him what to do, I took it that everything was done. For some odd reason my husband wrote the check (just as I told him) and DID NOT put the check in the mail! So when the next bill came, it showed that we owed the previous months bill, plus a late fee. Guess what? When my husband was getting prepared for our Friday night date to the movies I explained to him that we do not have the money to do such. Why? The late fee we had to pay (no more than $5.00) had to be taken away from our movie money. Not only did he learn a lesson, but he wants to pay the bills as soon as it arrives.

Hope this helps.

I will share a little bit more tonight.


Geez .......... after looking at the preview I guess my comment was not brief after all.

I am glad someone brought up this subject matter this was a topic in our nightly conversation as we had an issue which led me to think about most of the topics brought up. This is a wonderful topic to bring up in the forum. I have been thinking about some different things and I agreed that most of the issues have to deal with cultural diffrences and the other has to deal with the difference in the way that a man and woman communicate, think and handle certain issues and situations. I look forward to reading more on the subject matter ........

I had to smile when I read the stuff about washing and polishing the shoes..........cute !
I remember mine polishing away also.

I love this thread.....keep 'em coming !

I think the MENA group had something like this thread.

It may be a good idea for those who are close in the area to exchange phone numbers
for a good support.
Any one in the ST. Louis metro area ?
Can't think of any other issues right now but I am sure there will be many when he finally gets here.

I love the idea of a DC area group for intercultural relationships. If any one is interested please PM or email me. I'd love to hook up for coffee or something. Thanks for all of the advice. It makes me feel better knowing that I need to learn about the culture.

MONEY: Re: money we're working things out. I think he has some misconceptions about how much money I make and about the concept of me being broke. And I think it might be a good idea for him to pay the bills for a while so that he can understand the pain and heartache we all go through paying bills every month. He doesn't make enough to pay all of the bills so any advice would be welcomed. I probably do come down hard on him about things. I'm a bit of a perfectionist (hence the reason why I forbid him from wearing the leather jacket and also from wearing white socks with black shoes).

SOCIALIZING. I noticed while I was in Ethiopia that men socialize with other men. I kept asking him, "where are the women? Are they at home?" We go out to the movies and restaurants togehter. We'll also go to Starbucks and relax there, too.

The issue with socializing, which is a cultural issue for us, is that he DOES NOT like for me to go out at night with my friends. He's muslim and says that in his culture a woman is considered a "garden tool" if she's out past midnight. Now, we don't argue about this. He trusts me but it still makes him mad if I stay out late -- even if I'm just chilling at a friends' house. Also, if I go out and have one drink, as soon as I walk in the door he's like the alcohol police. He'll say, "Your drrrrunk." (you know rolling the r's) And, of course, i defend myself and prove that I'm sober. Its very funny. I'll have two drinks and he'll swear that I'm totally drunk. I tell him, "Dude, you've never seen me drunk. It takes more than two glasses of wine"

The question about culture is how do you identify a conflict as culture instead of personality??? How have people had the patience to sit back and say, "What just happened?" before it becomes an arguement??

I hope we can keep this discussion going.

This is good advice. We do something similar to what you have in #1, and it has worked well.

Hang in there. There is some really great advice here. The first few months were the worst for me. Not sure if ours was cultural differences, or just bad communication. It seems like most newly married people go through a bad patch in the beginning. The cultural thing may just compound it.
Best Wishes

The rolling R comment was pretty funny..."drrrrunk"!!

The question raised how to differentiate between culture versus personality is to
study the culture, read, discuss with other friends from your husbands country
what their perspective is. Visiting the country and developing an awareness of the social
interactions.
You will get the 'feel' for it.

It can be draining to constantly explain, discuss etc. when coming home tired from work.
But it is vital to keep patience and compassion alive, in any marriage.
It takes work to grow together into a smooth functioning unit.....and time.
Throw perfection out the window in regards to expectations of another person.
Try to let that go. It is impossible to live up to other's perfect expectations.
You may crinch if he wears the wrong socks with the wrong shoes but let him be
himself. It does not matter.
What matters is harmony.
Maybe just giving him the responsibility of a few bills that he has to pay since he can't
pay for all of them for now.
Maybe all utilities come out of his pay, if he doesn't pay the lights go out.
Decisions....consequences.

Then there is the aforementioned : apply the culture, let the man do it all, the wife assists. I agree with it but is it always realistic ?
I think it takes a long time, maybe years to fully integrate and be able to lead the household that efficiently with complete understanding of our western ways.
If the mortgage needs to be refinanced, if other crucial decisions need to be made,
whoever is the USC will have the understanding more so then the SO. Teaching the husband life here so he can lead is fine, however being very independent I prefer a partnership for now, learning trust to submit to his leadership as he learns our culture slowly.
No need to rush him to adjust, not interfering with his decisions or wanting to change who he is and compromising my own habits according to his culture seems to me a happy medium and balanced approach. Some things we may have to change or stop to blend our two cultures if we offend each other.

southernchick......how did your husband adjust to going out together with you
rather than his group of friends at home and how included in his world do you feel ?
Does he share with you the little things in life or just wants to do his own thing ?
Just wondering how he was able to make the switch in matters of spending time
with you versus 'just the guys he knows'.

Ladies,Ladies.........HUm I have to laugh with you NOT at you..........

I am not sure the issues are all the same with the men we speak of from W.Africa,I seriouslly wonder if it who they are raised by.....I say this for My Hon was raised by women and many from Mum to girlfriend of dad who by the way lives in the UK with a wife (so I think My Hon,has learned that women are the emotional support,not just for assistance)
He does have that shoe cleaning thing too,I think it is because the value of a NEW pair of shoes is very appreciated.I mean when I was there visiting I didnt understand what he meant by a fairly new pair of shoes he bought. (now I know) So when I brought gifts of new shoes,gezzzzz they were washed after each outting....Ladies mine dont get washed either here but there they did by HIM .LOL

I was treated as a queen and didnt lift a finger and wasnt allowed too,SO I asked him straight out was that normal for the man to do everything (cause I really wanted to help)He told me the man does the majority of the chores and takes care of the children,the woman is to cook and feed the children. YES YES the man still holds down a full time career too.

So right away I explain most of the American womans ways....We work or have careers,we are independant but need love,Not all women here want children due to careers or personal choice, and we usually cook,clean, mow grass,supply shop and fix broken things around the house, and tend to any pets we may have.............And if children are involved usually the woman has to attend school issues and tends to their homework,American males usually tend to the TV and the neighbors.......

Okay Okay dont get upset Ladies,I am not bashing American men but I have a little right here...I was married very young the first time and than again later for 12 years. My career did come first with only step children involved from the last man.I have no children of my own and didnt plan on any do to how I seen some being raised..... But back to how my Hon responded was very shocking to me. He just kept telling me I do too much and he will do anything I want and yes children is a desire of his, But when it comes to money/spending his is very cautious and gets upset when too much is spent,not angry or mad but VERY concerned that there will be enough to make ends meet. HUMMMMMMMMM thats different.

So maybe it is who they are raised by or what they didnt have that makes things between W.African men different in many ways,I did get to experince his Dad and his ways...........His Dad did want the best of the best and thougt I was rich being American,I didnt have to set him straight,My Hon did !
Maybe I am just lucky that I found Kelvin.He is sensitive,OMG VERY VERY loving,desires to make me happy,understands my ways are different than his,we did argue about an issue but he pleaded with me to just talk it out (cause we never get mad/upset)....and he loves to show affection in front of public,family and friends "more "than me.....
We chat everyday and talk via telephone when ever we need to hear each others voice..........Drinking issues: Thats funny cause he got drrrunker than me and we were laughing at each other.
He does get jealious only because he doesnt know my friends like I know his but that will come in time.When that happens I just remind him I found him and I desired the k-1 before him.

Ladies I dont have the answers either,but communication and being able to enjoy the differences in cultures I think is the real trick ! Remember one thing, You have choosen to love a different culture,PLEASE dont try to change them so quickly to be American Men.........we could have had one of those with less visa issues !

Please dont take my post negatively,its just meant to bring light/love back to the reason we all have made this journey !
For LOVE right !!!!

One of my sweet memories of being with my fiance was him peeling and feeding me
Mangoes.......yum.
He fanned me when I was hot and carried my water bottle. He peeled my potatoes
and cooked them so I would not burn myself on the fire.
I miss him

I forgot to add that visiting for a while is one thing and making a life
together under cultural adjustments in daily life full of pressures is
a very different story and I am preparing as well as I know how.

Yes, its true, sometimes when I come home from work I'm so tired and stressed. I'm less than enthusiastic about explaining things. We've got a lot of differences....and lord knows I could write a book about all the little things that he's said or done that have either made me laugh or made me very angry. But the good thing is that we're both growing and changing. Last night, I even talked to him about something that bothered me and it turned out to be just another misunderstanding. But it lead to a real breakthrough for him because it reminded him of what his mother said to him about his need to communicate more. I was really touched because he was just sitting there thinking and he looked at me and said, "I guess i must learn to communicate more. Will you help me?"

Now to your question from earlier about how Sultan adjusted to socializing with just me. Really, there wasn't any problem. Sultan isn't reallly a guy who spends a lot of time with random guys if he really doesn't trust them. So he's happy just hanging with me. Sometimes he will go places with his cousin or another friend. But otherwise, its just the two of us. I don't mind.

Like I said earlier, Sultan and I have laughed and cried together. We're comitted to this relationship. the more that I learn about the culture, and even more on the challenges of immigrating to the US, the more compassion I have for him. As an American, I'm totally ignorance about the challenges of migrating to America. Seriously, I knew there would be challenges but I had no ideas what they would be. Maybe that could be a new section on VJ.


S

i went through your topic and i believe it is a very valid point,my fiancee and i are from different cultures and backgrounds(she is a white-american and i am a black guy from nigeria)but we communicate a lot and try to understand each other's cultures very well so as to be able to work things through when we get married and we are living with one another.we have had our difficult times with arguments but we always work things out and talk to each other a lot.i think the basic thing here is trying to understand each other's culture and ways and trying to reach a compromise on your differences.she teaches me about american ways and i do the same thing with her too.we have been together for some weeks before and i treated her like a queen and we have had money issues before but we worked it out.it needs love,trust,understand and compromising with one another.take care you all and any inter-racial couples from ketchikan,alaska?

hello olucharles...wow all the way up in Alaska...bet you are freezing

Oh my goodness, our husbands must be twins. My husband would wear a leather jacket in July and shorts and flip flops in the winter

Sorry to jump in your thread...my husband is Jamaican but this is a good topic. He's been here 2 years now We are still adjusting to each other but it does get better with time. You have to chose your battles....some things are not worth mentioning.

I also live in the DC area and would be interested in a support group...if you don't mind. Please let me know. Thanks.

I was pondering what more I could share with you. However, the advice you've received from others concerning listening and communication are all good. Hang in there and stay focused on what's really important.

Sorry to jump in your thread...my husband is Jamaican but this is a good topic. He's been here 2 years now We are still adjusting to each other but it does get better with time. You have to chose your battles....some things are not worth mentioning.

I also live in the DC area and would be interested in a support group...if you don't mind. Please let me know. Thanks.
[/quote]

This thread is great and I too felt the need to jump in as many characteristics of African men sound similar to my Jamaican fiance. He won't be here until next year but I hope to gain some insight!

Sorry, this was a duplicate post...

Anyone in the Phoenix area?

Hoping you DC members are getting together.......still looking to do the same
here in St.Louis metro.
At least change emails and phone numbers to start with.
It is sometimes difficult to talk about this with friends who don't have a foreign SO, they are clueless and you get this 'really ???' stare. So support is great from those who
experience the same issues.
At the same time the SO can discuss our western ways together with others and
know that they are not alone with their frustrations in this country.

Everyone is welcomed to share their experiences of dealing with the cultural differences between them and their spouse. And PLEASE don't get me started on the difficulties of talking to friends and acquaintences. I'm so grateful for having a very good friend, who is from Africa and is married to an american, who's given me tons of guidance.

Again, if there are any couples in the DC/VA/MD area who are interested in meeting up, please PM me. Also, once I create a meet up I'll post it here on VJ.

S

Hi southernchic,
It seems to me that you are a very good woman, who is willing to do her best to make her marriage work. But on the other hand everybody on this board is only hearing your own side of the story. But as a west african male, i can tell you that all black males have one thing in common. " they all want to be treated like a king ". Even if he doesn't deserve it. There is a difference between practicing a culture and using the practice to take advantage of women. He needs to make adjustment and realize that he lives with a woman who did not recieve training in his culture. If he continues to quote his culture on every issue, then he is not ready to make compromises and learn. United states is full of different cultures, and if everybody is stuck on their culture there would be too much chaos and confusions. Sit him down and show him your own southern culture and don't forget to let him know that you are his wife not a friend that he can just take advantage of. Marriage= 'give and take'. Most west african cultures are considerate and can adapt, most and not all. Some west african cultures are just straight selfish. Goodluck.

OMG, I haven't been on the board in a while, because I have been so stressed by some of these same things and just reading the thread starter. So let me continue ready through and I will come back and post.

Thanks for starting this

I see your country is Germany, I am German....glad to be of help !

Actually my husband came here by way of Germany but his home is West African.

MONEY - Reading these post me make understand the money situation more. I was beginning to feel I was being taken for a ride, by having to pay most if not all of the bills, while he keeps his money to select what he pays. But now I understand more. I have recently given him the list of all the bills and he stored it somewhere, so we can cut confusion on how much HAS to go back out. But learning the financing/buying process has been a headache for me.

Communication - Our communication lines have been broken....lol Most of the time he misunderstands what I'm saying and don't bother to get a clarification. So it leads to his own assumption which 9 times out of 10 is wrong. So I am working on this. Sometimes when we have misunderstanding, I try to communicate with him and he will just sit there and look at me, never say a word. At first I thought it was that he was thinking of what to say. But now I believe he uses it to try to anger/hurt me, but I have learned to just walk away from it and pick it up when he is talking. Pick the more necessary important battles.


Has anyone did any martial counseling? I keep thinking maybe a neutral party could help, but then I don't know. I know someone told me that in Nigeria, the elders would get with the couple and talk with them and help them through the difficult times. But here I wouldn't want to put my family in a position to have to like or not like him for something we may be going through temporary. People are human and I rather not venture out to find out how they would react, if they react at all. But counseling is not out!!! I just want to say that the one African Female that I can say any and everything to, says all the time "that is how African Men are." And I don't think that is fair to say??

If anyone is in the Texas area I surely would like to communicate more about this and maybe they can share with me.

My husband and I had premarital counseling, and I highly recommend it. We chose a minister (at random) from the phone book, had a total of 7 sessions and it was free!

Boaz

I have been reading all the posts from this thread. I have enjoyed it a lot. Since someone has mentioned something about premarital counseling, my pastor emailed me a couple months ago, about 22 lessons of premarital counseling for Kwabena and I. We have been doing them over the phone and after he gets here, we'll do some with the pastor. But these lessons are great, I could have never imagined talking about all these things before getting married. It has really given us the opportunity to grow and know each other better. It is better to discuss all these things before marriage, rather then after. If anyone wants the lessons, I can email them to you. Don't think they are only for before the marriage, because my pastor has been married many years and they have began to do the lessons too. Ok so anyone, if you will like to have them, send me your email, I believe you'll really enjoy.

If you send me your address in a private post I have the most AWESOME bible-based book on Family and Marriage. I will send it to you for free.

I have pm'ed you, would like to know more about the book, author and title please.

I am interested in the lessons and will pm you with my email address.

I can understand that you don't want your family involved in discussions about these
issues, I don't want to do that either.
Yes, elders are involved in assisting a couple with solutions to conflict. I have several African friends that I respect and hold in high esteem and would not mind at all to ask them for advice if we would come to a standstill in communiation. In counseling I think it would be fair and beneficial if the counseler or adviser has a cultural understanding.
After all, to me it is about blending our ways.
The African female saying : that is how African men are, is maybe at a loss for advice
herself.
With African females being more tolerant and accepting of the African male, not
questioning him much, just confirms our westernized issues that clash with theirs.
Especially in the poorer countries a women depends on the man for survival and
does whatever he says, it is he that has the education.
It may be quiet different in the bigger cities in W. Africa where woman are less submissive
and a little more used to a partnership.
So maybe our SO were expecting us to be more submissive ?
As was previously pointed out, the western womans higher status may be a little
hard to handle and needs some getting used to.
I think I need to go polish my shoes.......just kidding

Great topic, sorry I am so late getting here.

In order to prepare my Solo for life in America I am completely honest with him. I do the conversion for him on some of the basic things. I send him the phone records. When he heard what I make at my new job he got excited. Well I added it all up for him and then subtracted out the monthly household expenses. I am honest with him and tell him when I have no money and why I have none for calling. I have already made a budget to prepare for his arrival which means cutting back on phone calls and he has been wonderful at being respectful of it.

Nightlife - As we met due to my love of the nightlife and music we have been able to compromise. I do not go out as much as I used to prior to us meeting out of respect for his wishes. I realize that it is a big deal for him so I tell him ahead of time when I am going out and with the time difference I call when I get home so he knows I am safe. I have also let him speak over the phone to a few of my friends. He understands I will not put myself in harms way.

I think one of our BIGGEST issues is meeting in the middle of "me" vs "we". He likes to call in the morning or early afternoon his time, well it is the butt-crack of dawn in the states. He doesn't mind if I call him at 5am. However, I mind if he calls and wakes me at 5am as I have a demanding job working with people and can not be cranky. I work at night so getting too early of a start in the day is my downfall. He says its my right to call at that time of morning and I know that means its his right too. I know its hard for him but these past few weeks he has gotten better and the calls at least come at the time he knows I am getting children off to school.

Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:
1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:
a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)
b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.
c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.
d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:
You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.
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I believe that statement from someone who had posted earlier in this forum is simply the opinion of that person's husband. I believe a misconception needs to be cleared up. In Islam a Muslim man can marry from the people of the book which translates to Christians and Jews without them converting to Islam. To say that a Muslim man is using a Christian woman for a green card if she chooses not to convert to Islam is painting Muslim men who marry Christian women with a broad stereotypical brush. I am sure there are plenty of people who could say the same thing about any marriages by American women to foreign men, that most foreigners are only looking to come to America to get a green card, and that statement would be just as untrue.

Enough said on that but I did want to say that I think it would be beneficial for you to learn about your husband's religion and learn about marriage in Islam. I think this would be beneficial to you. Although you are right in believing culture plays a role in your or anyone else's marriage for that matter, what is the final word on marriage in Islam is the Quran. There are clear roles that the husband and the wife fulfill in a marriage based on Islam and I am not talking about servitude as some would have you believe concerning Muslim women and their marriage. I know of some books that would probably help you to understand your husband more concerning marriage in Islam, if you would like to have the titles please let me know and I will send you the titles and where you can purchase them online.

My husband is from East Africa just as your husband is, sure there are cultural things that can't help but be in our marriage since I am American and he is Kenyan and we bring both of our cultures and traditions to the table. One thing for sure though we have open dialog with one another and try not to let our cultures clash so to speak.

Your post covered a lot of different areas and I addressed only one part of your post but it is a huge part of your marriage that needs to be addressed. If your husband is a practicing Muslim then it is imperative to find out what he believes since Islam dictates how he should live his life and also, you should learn what is truly Islamic behavior and what is his own thing i.e. culture and tradition.

I hope this helps

By the way, sorry about not knowing how to put the quote into quotation marks I am still getting the hang of this. So the first paragraph is a quote I took from someone's post that I had a problem with.

Thanks!

There are a lot of good and valid points in your post. However, I think the "green card"
comments are hurtful. Only God can look into the heart, each human being is unique
and different and judgemental generalizations fail to recognize that.

Based on some of the advice here, it sounds like everything should revolve around him. I must learn about him. I must understand him. I must cater to him. Don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to support him, to learn about his culture and everything about him, but honestly i have my limits. I expect a partnership. So far, he's done a decent job of it. He washes dishes. He'll clean and cook, also. This is a good start but in order for things to progress the communication has to improve. And I'd like it if he'd understand my culture and way of life, too. I think that's reasonable. I'm not one of those women from the countryside. So I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that I'm supposed to become a traditional Ethiopian woman.

Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

I agree with the point of why just cater to the SO and prefer a cultural blending with mutual
compromises.
Whatever works for both in the marriage, 50-50, 40-60, 20-80, depends
on each indiviual and should be discussed and agreed upon before marriage if possible.

Wow is all I can say. Someone else is living my life and having my thoughts.

I can definitely relate to what you are saying. And the more and more I say that it is all about him, the more annoyed he gets. But I believe in calling a spade a spade.

what part of Texas are you in????? I live in Louisiana and I may not be too far from you?

I'm in Texas, also. I just moved to Houston last week. I would love to get to know some of you who are in the same area.

I'm in the Austin area.




Your only a couple of hours away from me. And you on the count down to your trip...how exciting.

Hello ladies, I am just slightly confused about this African man and his behavior towards me. Is it cultural or is he simply not interested in holding the relationship together???? He is from the Yoruba culture and it probably would be wise for me to search that on the internet. That is my next step. We have been on line together for over a year now and we have been talking marriage.

So here is where I get confused. For about 8 months this man pursued me relentllessly, online three times as much as he is now. For 8 months he was attentive and available all the time. Then..... finally I make a committment to work towards more than friendship after eight months of pursuit and everything changes. He is now emailing me once a week and yahoo on Saturdays are cut down to 1 1/2 hour chats. He no longer comes on line Sundays to chat either. The man continues to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to marry me, yet he does not prove to me that he wants this relationship to move forward. I have confirmed that he is not a scammer, so I wonder what is going on with him.

It almost seems that he is available to me only when it is convenient for him and not for me. I have asked him if he could email me more than once a week. I explained the communication has dwindled down to almost nothing and we are just going to drift apart if we don't increase the communication. You see I phone him all the time and he has NEVER, not once asked me to phone him. In the last couple days he made these comments "Well I knew you would call". So...have I made it too easy for him???.

From what I see his friends and his social life come first before me. For example, this Saturday he got off work early but said "I don't think I will be on line" he was going to a festival with his friends for the evening. He sent me one email this week and he can't even take "one hour" or geesh "1/2 hour" of his time to talk to me on IM before he gooes. It's like 3 pm in the afternoon, make the time for me. HIS arrangements for me to phone were to call him at 11pm or 12 midnight so that he was home and everything was quiet and that he could concentrate on our conversation. So get this! Everytime I called he's alseep and I have to wake him up. He's tired and not into talking so I have to make all the conversation. He sounds like a little boy. I have called him spontaneoulsy mid afternnoon when he is full of energy and he sounds like a man. That is who I want to talk to when I phone. But NO, I get the left overs at the end of the day when he is finished with his social life.

I asked him a couple of times to change his time for me and he was not prepared to. I asked him why he couldn't just be home at 9pm to received my call before he went to sleep and his reply is "I dont know".. HUH??? What kind of stupid answer is that? Sounds like he is just a selfish man who is only going to put into the relationship what is easy for him. I need more and what I am asking of him is not impossible.

Oh and by the way, two days ago I decided to take my dignity back. I will no longer be calling unless he lets me know he wants my phone call. And oh yah... if he wants me to phone it better be at least and one to two before bedtime .. otherwise we just try again some other nite. And i will no longer be emailing him unless he emails me. I have expressed already what I need from him and if I dont see some changes. I'm movin on ladies. Actually I have already. I am back on a dating site and no longer exclusive to him. I deserve the best and I am not settling.

Anyways ladies, thanks for letting me vent. LOL Not sure if this is the African Yoruba man or just simply a selfish man concerned about his own needs. If you have any advise I would be sure glad to hear it.

Anna

I live in Louisiana but I visit Houston often.