Since there are a few of us who have upcoming marriages, insha Allah, in the next month or two I thought I'd start a thread with some tips for the muslim marriage and being a good muslim wife. I got these from some very kind woman on an Islam board for women that I belong to.



"‘Abd al-Malik said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother Umamah came in to her, to advise her, and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment, whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) choose what is best for you and protect you.’”

She was taken to her husband, and the marriage was a great success; she gave birth to kings who ruled after him.

Jamaharah khutab al-'arab, 1/145"

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islamtdoday.net
"Ten ways to achieve lasting love:
Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it is imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve it.

Husbands and wives must do the following:
1. They have to get in the habit of saying things that are positive, like offering compliments and like making little prayers for each other.

A husband could say to his wife: “If I were sent back to the days of my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyone besides you.” Of course, the wife can easily say something similar to her husband.

Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have, indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain access to what is not theirs.

Sweet words arouse a woman’s heart. A husband should take care to say them to his wife before someone else does.

2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habit of doing those little things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife asleep, he can cover her and tuck her into bed.

A husband can give his wife a call from work just to say hello and to let her know that he is thinking about her.

If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working even though he is asleep and he may very well be aware of it.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little things, “…even the morsel of food that you place in your wife’s mouth…” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding to the expenditure of a man for his wife’s needs. Nonetheless, the Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet peace be upon him) conducted himself with his family.

This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the people involved. It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a lot of effort.

A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed just hearing about them and may prefer to leave matters the way they are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that he might see as ridiculous.

Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if we do not want our problems to go on forever.

3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each other. They should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times. Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had happened only yesterday. They should talk about the future and share their hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present, both the good and bad of it, and discuss different ways to solve their problems.

4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship. This is not just for times of intimacy, but at all times, like when sitting in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless of the fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed to have people see them walking in public with their wives at their sides.

5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it is required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she may need her husband to lend her a little moral support. He should take her mental state into consideration. Medical experts attest to the fact that when women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they suffer from psychological stress that can aversely affect their behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her husband’s support. She needs him to let her know how much she means to him and how much he needs her in his life.

Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of difficulties. The wife must take these things into consideration. If people want their relationship to last, they must let each other feel that support.

6. There have to be some material expressions of love. Gifts should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive, but it has to be appropriate for the other’s tastes and personality; something that will be cherished.

7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more tolerant of each other and overlook one another’s shortcomings. It should become a habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and not even bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is a sign of noble character.

A woman said to `آ’ishah: “When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about what might have happened.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

Ibn Hajar explains her words as follows:
They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does not make a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth. If he brings something for the house, he does not enquire about it later on. He does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might see at home but instead is clement and tolerant.

It is wrong to go overboard in considering the faults of others but when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our good qualities.

There is a tradition that goes: “One of you sees the dust in his brother’s eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own.”

8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding when it comes to matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children, work, travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the marital relationship.

9. Husbands and wives need to do things to liven up their relationship. Each one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments, decorating their home, and in relating to each other both openly and intimately. These are the things that keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.

10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing one’s spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of other men. Some even compare them with the faces they see in magazines and on television. Women also compare their husbands with other women’s husbands in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and it can ruin the marital relationship.

If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those who have less going for them than ourselves. Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Look towards those who are beneath you and do not look towards those who are above you. This is better so that you do not belittle Allah’s blessings.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we have will be a lot if we utilize it well.

It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss and go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful in what they say. They just like to brag.

The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because we are not looking at it up close."

In order to be a "good" muslim wife, the husband also needs to read the tips for being a "good" muslim husband. For every tip listed here there is an obligation on the husband.

Do you have any tips to share? Here's one I found for the muslim husband:

"Ten Tips on how to be a successful Muslim Husband

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time you went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that the Prophet (peace be upon him) would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

2. Use the best names for your wife. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don’t treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it ‘bugs’ us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day -which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to ‘bug’ him. Don’t treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways the Prophet (Pbuh) used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives (R.A). It’s a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when the Prophet (Pbuh) would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even when he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don’t let that be; thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don’t have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.

8. Don’t belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. The Prophet (Pbuh) set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah ( R.A ) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and play games with your wife. Look at how the Prophet (Pbuh) would race with his wife Aisha (R.A) in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Always remember the words of Allah’s Messenger (Pbuh): "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family.” Try to be the best!

In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah - ta’ala to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta’ala knows best!!"

Thanks for adding these. I am always a little stunned by the adice about obeying. But I've read adivce for Muslim husbands that they are not head of the household in the traditional sense but mroe like a chairman of the board and must consult with the family and are forbiddent to make any decision that would cause harm to the family. So a good muslim husband doesn;t need to make his wife obey if he is acting appropriately

You beat me to that one, doodlebug!

Here's another one.

What is a Husband?
Guidelines for the Husband in Interacting with his Wife

Author: Dr. Marwwan Al-Qaisee
Source: Al-Asaalah Magazine
Translator: isma'eel alarcon

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

When entering the house, do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses. This discussion will continue in an upcoming issue, if Allaah wills.




This one is my favorite.

A Wife

This article has been widely atributed to a lecture given by Sheikh Abdullah Adhami, but I have been informed that he is not the actual author, so for now it is, Author Unknown.

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "They are your garments and you are their garments." (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said, "The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala."

omigosh I'm sooo doing this one and I'm gonna bring this quote with me so I can say, hey...I'm just following what the Prophet, pbuh, said to do!!!

I can't help but be reminded of this reading this thread. Is it really that far off?

LMAO!

How about being yourselves, respecting each other, caring for each other, and never forgetting why you wanted to be together in the first place? (shorter list)

for us, it doesn't matter what anyone else says..respect is the first and foremost thing to make the relationship work. Muslim or non-Muslim... if you have total respect for each other the rest will follow naturally... at least it does for us..

Very well said.


Also please note: Being a good mate has nothing to do with religion.

I agree with JP its not a religion thing... I think it should be the standard rules for any marriage...

True but I was looking for hadiths and such for the muslim marriage.

I agree though that most advice is the same, though some is a little different here and there. For one thing I know that in Islam that the husband has to answer for the wife which puts a big burden on him once they get to heaven (or whatever the part is where you answer for all that you do in life). I don't remember anything like that for a Christian husband, so there are some differences, albeit few.

I see now where you're coming from. Yeah the husband had to answer for his family but that is also where you do things out of respect and caring for your husband. If the muslim mans wife acts entirely with a pure heart towards her husband and both the husband and wife do their absolute best to respect each other and do things to show appreciation towards each other, then all other things should fall into place.
As far as hadiths and things..I'm not too familiar with them to quote anything and I don't know any sites to seek them out .... I just try to do things as I stated earlier..with a pure heart and with the best of intentions. My husband says that actions done in this manner are the most rewarding to him on the last day. I wish I could help more...

May I please advise you that Islam is a faith of personal responsibility, and each of us answers for our own acts and beliefs. No Muslim bears the burden of another person on the Last Day unless they have intentionally mislead others. This is not limited to husband and wife, and no husband bears the burden of a wife simply on the basis of being married to her. Bearing burdens is an result of individual intent, not gender related at all, for both can mislead or be mislead. The notion that the husband answers for his wife is cultural, not Islamic.

[17:15] Who receiveth guidance, receiveth it for his own benefit: who goeth astray doth so to his own loss: No bearer of burdens can bear the burden of another: nor would We visit with Our Wrath until We had sent an apostle (to give warning).

[16:25] Let them bear, on the Day of Judgment, their own burdens in full, and also (something) of the burdens of those without knowledge, whom they misled. Alas, how grievous the burdens they will bear!

I was just about to post something similar szsz. I've read several times so far in the Quran where it says that a person is only accountable for their own actions, and never to blame or be held responsible for the actions of others.

I'm glad you posted that because, as I said in my earlier post, I don't know the hadiths very well. All I can do is try to respect what my husband tells me and try to do as much research as I can in the time I have to spare (which isn't much). He never said it was an Islamic rule..I figured it was more of a cultural thing and I just want to respect him as much as I can. We look at it more in depth though...such as...its not that he really "answers" for wrong doings by the family. We feel that if everyone is doing things in a good way and with pure intentions, then he is doing his part as a good husband and god looks good upon that..and I am doing my part as a good wife and god looks good upon that..etc etc... I know I'm not explaining it quite right.. but I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say....If not, I can try to word it in a better way..
.....I guess its like..if he does good..his wife will do good and vice versa..therefore they are both good to each other and god likes that.. therefore you are rewarded not only for your actions but for the actions of others to you as well since your actions play off of each other....

I understand. May God bless your household for your intent to support and uplift each other! Demonstrating the beauty and grace of Islam in your social transations towards all is a form of devotion. It strengthens the bonds among those who strive to Him.

[4.69] All who obey God and the apostle are in the company of those on whom is the Grace of God,- of the prophets (who teach), the sincere (lovers of Truth), the witnesses (who testify), and the Righteous (who do good): Ah! what a beautiful fellowship!

I don't think I could do this. I always let Abdel sleep as late as he possibly can when he has a day off, and we each get out of bed when we're supposed to on workdays, so there is no need to wake the other. For workdays we have this 4 snooze routine. I push the snooze (because the alarm clock is on my side of the bed) and announce which one it is. On the fourth, I always remind him it is the last one and don't push the button, so the music wakes us up. My kids dad was really hard to wake up though, so I do know how lucky I am to have a man like Abdel.

good, i'm glad that came out right...I have such a hard time in typing sometimes...I just can't seem to always get things explained in the right way

)

I agree that I am responsible for my own actions but I also believe that my husband, had he the opportunity to steer me away from whatever bad actions I may take, will be responsible as the shepherd of his flock.

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=13802&ln=eng



I was kind of kidding. I don't think I could actually splash cold water on his face in order to wake up for fajr.

There is a hadith- one I can not recall at this moment. That talks about how those who have power over others will need to explain their actions on the day of judgement with their hands tied behind their backs. I always understood the meaning that if you find yourself in a position of power over someone in this life, then you have a special obligation to take care of your actions even more carefully than someone who is responsible only for themself. I think this goes along with the thoughts you are saying.

my husband would kick me if i did that....although it may have some therapeutic aspects to it after a bad night or something

That's what I was looking for. Goes for the parents of children too I think.

I agree that I am responsible for my own actions but I also believe that my husband, had he the opportunity to steer me away from whatever bad actions I may take, will be responsible as the shepherd of his flock.

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=13802&ln=eng


Very well, but islam-qa is not a mainstream site. Not one I would recommend for moderate viewpoints, and we are advised by Allah to be moderate in all things.

There is a hadith- one I can not recall at this moment. That talks about how those who have power over others will need to explain their actions on the day of judgement with their hands tied behind their backs. I always understood the meaning that if you find yourself in a position of power over someone in this life, then you have a special obligation to take care of your actions even more carefully than someone who is responsible only for themself. I think this goes along with the thoughts you are saying.

Hadith are not to be taken at face value. Not all of them are Sunnah, commanding, and supported by the Quran or included in the sharia; nor are they superior to the Quran. One must know the quality of the hadith they are considering as guidance before accepting it as truth.

I don't think I could do this. I always let Abdel sleep as late as he possibly can when he has a day off, and we each get out of bed when we're supposed to on workdays, so there is no need to wake the other. For workdays we have this 4 snooze routine. I push the snooze (because the alarm clock is on my side of the bed) and announce which one it is. On the fourth, I always remind him it is the last one and don't push the button, so the music wakes us up. My kids dad was really hard to wake up though, so I do know how lucky I am to have a man like Abdel.

It makes sense that those who have power over others will be judged for what they do and how they use that towards/over/with other people.
This goes right along with the fact that everyone is judged for their own actions.
But that includes the actions that you do under the influence of others.
While someone over you is responsible for thier actions towards you, you are responsible for your own actions, regardless of others.
If someone's husband told them, convinced them and made them think it was absolutely okay to kill someone (yes, extreme example) does that make it okay???
Everyone is responsible for his or her OWN actions.

Amen to that. I got chills (and not the good kind) reading that first post. Crikes.

I iagree but to me this saying also stresses the seriousness of the role of having power or leadership over someone else. That you wil be in a more difficult position to explain your actions in these particular circumstances. It's harder to explain yourself with your hands tied behind yoru back metaphorically.

Absolutley, but it still remains that the husband is also responsible for telling and teaching her to kill in the first place. To me it's similar to Catholicism in that the priests are supposedly held to a higher standard because they are in a position of authority and are supposed to be leading their flock. If they abuse that authority or teach them wrong then they are going to be judged for what the have done.

Thanks for this.... I am going to print and make little reminders for myself... it never hurts to refresh my thoughts and words....

Being responsible for one's actions doesn't differ in marriage or outside of marriage. It is imperative upon the male or the female to act and teach responsibily, after all, it is not unknown for a wife to have authority that could put her in a position to mislead others. Mother Khadijah was qawaam over her husband, our Nabi. She was a wealthy business owner and his employer, much richer, tribally affiliated while he was a tribal orphan. She supported him, financed his prophethood and they supported each other in their journey thru life. When she died around the same time as his Uncle Talib, he lost his tribal affiliation, which he had thru marriage, and had to reestablish his ties once again.

Another wife was his advisor for negotiating war treaties. Others owned businesses to support the home. The Prophet himself did not treat his wives as though he had authority over them, even to the point of being admonished by God for trying too hard to please them (Q 66:1), and by Umer for allowing them "too much" input. Authority in the home is not based on gender. Q4:34 renders it conditional upon the ability to provide.

Something else to consider; fiqh law exempts wives from cooking, cleaning, child rearing. It is an OPTION, not an obligation for wives. The only obligation a wife has is to be sexually available for her husband. There is a long tradition in the Gulf states of upper class women taking advantage of their exemption to pursue other passions and leaving the home to servants.

We are each responsible for our own acts before God, whether we teach or have authority over other mortals, or not. Our responsibility is to God, and to Him we will answer based on how well we handled our obligations to Him in whatever position we held. As caliphs, we represent the faith and how well we do so will be judged. We cannot place our own acts upon another, nor can we answer for anyone else. We only answer for ourselves, flock or no flock.

definitely some good points of views here I think everybody has a different take on the subject. I personally like to do things that make my husband proud of me. Not that I "need" it to survive..but it just makes me feel good. This makes him want to do things to make me proud of him and in turn makes us both very happy together. Everything I do in the home, I take into consideration how he is going to feel about it. If it just drives him crazy to see things out of order on the table, I'll make sure to straighten it up and he knows I do it just for him. He just loves me for that. It is the smallest things sometimes that make the biggest impact on each other. I have been told by some ppl that what I do is wrong but hey..it makes me happy and isn't that what it is all about anyway? .... ok i'm done rambling hehehe

I have to say that it's nice that we can civily agree to disagree in this thread.

amen to that doodle

Amal I agree with you on so many points. Everything I do in our home, everything I buy, everything I prepare to eat, is with Mohammed in mind. He is the king of the castle and he knows it. In turn, this has created an atmosphere of respect and contentment in our house.

Jackie

Goodness, I hope I'm reading this wrong. I thought respect is earned, and not because you spend your time thinking about what your husband wants to eat, but because of your values. And not because you spend your time thinking about his food and what to buy for him, but because you are a valuable person. I hope you had each other's respect prior to marriage, not just after the fact has this atmosphere of respect come because you agree with his assertion he's king of the castle (say what!?). When you marry someone you are committed to respecting them, it isn't only given in exchange for them making you their every thought and that seems an awfully high price to get some respect.

This isn't anything to do with Islam. Thankfully, though, Islam very specifically outlines responsibilities of a husband and wife, none of which refer to the husband as the boss of anyone. Now, if this works for you, fine, but do not cloak it under the veil of Islam, because that's just false.

That is of course your opinion but there are scholars out there that I have quoted that believe otherwise. I respect your ability to disagree though.

This isn't anything to do with Islam. Thankfully, though, Islam very specifically outlines responsibilities of a husband and wife, none of which refer to the husband as the boss of anyone. Now, if this works for you, fine, but do not cloak it under the veil of Islam, because that's just false.

We agree on this, peezy. It pains me to know that there are Muslims who blame Islam for the cultural notion that women are subordinate to men, within marriage or out. But, there are. However people want to conduct their relationship is up to them, but blame the oft cited (male) scholars, not the faith for that idea.

Best marriage advice I've ever read?

Don't Get Angry - a little fiqh on anger and good character

It isn't loading at the moment, but check back later.


For us, making salat together always helps to strengthen our relationship. Reading Qur'an together, listening to Qur'an together, and reading and discussing a religious book together are other spiritually oriented things that are important in a relationship.

There are scholars out there that say all kinds of things, justify suicide bombings, locking women away, etc. God never commanded us to follow scholars but did give us brains.

It's nice to see that people are taking the arab civilization back to what it was 100 years ago.

You know there are ways to respect your partner and still remain equal to them. Being a good wife has nothing to do with being muslim. Being a good husband has nothing to do with being muslim. If you are a good person and respect your partner, then thats all you need to do.

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, those things don't make anyone a good partner. Some of the things I am hearing in this thread are absoulutly shocking. It's as if your men have brainwashed you into believing that this is what arab women do. Maybe the arab women 100 years ago did, but in today's day and age most women work. When you are working and contributing half or more to the household then you are already helping alot.

It's nice to see that people are taking the arab civilization back to what it was 100 years ago.

You left out a zero.

This link works.

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=...=769&CATE=3

You know I remember my mom doing some of these things, not all, for my dad, and it worked for them. However we are of a different generation, and this just doesn't hold water any more. There are a few things here I think should be done by both the husband and wife, not just the wife. Some of these things just blow my mind! We should not question them if they stay out all night? I don't think so! He is the Master of the house? The night is his? Excuse me, what have I done all day? I don't deserve the evening as well? We are a team. Consideration and respect goes both ways. If we don't respect ourselves will they respect us?

Yeah, I think you read it wrong. Its not Islam..it is just out of respect that we do these things. I don't do these things coz he expects them of me..I do them coz it makes me happy to do those things that I know will make him happy. It is my own decision and my own way to make a great relationship.... I'm just that kind of person. I have always found that if I do things with my "other half" in mind, they will do things with me in mind...I am treated far far better by my husband than any other person I've been with so for me, this way works fantastically We share the workload at home.. we both cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, etc etc etc... Everything in our home is 50/50... what's wrong with that... I also think it works the same for Jackie. As far as the king of the castle comment.. My husband is the king of the castle, sure, because he treats me like a queen. I think thats the basis of what it meant. (i hope i wasn't stepping on any toes there)
There was definitely respect before the marriage so I can vouch that in my case, getting married was not the beginning of the respect in our house


It isn't about doing those things to be a good partner...it, for us is 50/50. We do everything with each other in mind. It isn't just me doing those things for him. I love the fact that he does such sweet things for me so therefore I like to do sweet things for him. That is all it is Not religiously, not brainwashed, not anything but respect and love driven. I don't think that is so bad