Again, I know this thread was for the mothers who have left their children a lot farther away that I am, and do not get to see them nearly the amount I will be able to see mine, but my children's feelings and emotions are the same as your kids at this moment in time. I have no answers for him that will ease his pain. We cried together and I think he knows how hard it will be on me too, but what kind of answer can I come back with to "you can't leave us, it's not right to leave your kids"?

No this thread is for parents JUST like you. It sounds as if those words he said were possibly fed to him. Do you think anyone in your family may be working that angle through your children? I definately hope not, but if you think so hush them up. How is his father helping with this transition? I think he could be doing a lot to ease the change as well. I think you have said all the right stuff, and keep saying it. Reaffirm with him constantly that he is welcome to move with you today or any other day in the future. Let him know that if he needs you for anything you are only a day away. It hurts so much to see our kids in pain. I think you need not sugar coat things, let him know that you are indeed moving and when and where and the facts of it all. You are his mother and you are making a decision based on your best judgement. It is his choice now to move with you or stay where he is. Reaffirm his choices, let him know either way he is not losing you. This is not going to be easy on any of you but I do believe everything will work out in the end as it should.

I know he is being fed from his father. There is nothing I can do about that. His father and I had been married for 23 years. In that time I lived through him having an affair with my best friend the 2nd year of our marriage, him drinking so much he became an alcoholic and I lived through nearly 3 years of hell before he got help, his attempted suicide a year after he got sober, and another "almost affair" (he denied sex, only "emotional support" - yea right). Anyhow, after all that, I asked for the divorce and HE was bitter. He couldn't figure out why my feelings for him had changed? He told the kids the divorce was my fault and tried to get them to sway his way. They love both of us and that is the way it should be, but I know his dad says stuff to them when anything I do he disagrees wtih. I met Keith online 3 months after I told him I wanted out of the marriage, and he has played the kids against Keith since - though the kids liked Keith when they first met him on his first trip here.

Again, I guess the hardest part is not knowing how to answer the question "how can you leave us, it's not right?" when he asks. There is no answer that will ever ease his pain. I will keep trying though. It bums Keith out to see me so upset when my child gets so upset. I have asked Keith to try to get Michael alone today and try to talk to him about it. Michael is extremely sensitive and tears well up in his eyes very easily and I know he will do this and become embarrassed, but I think a one-to-one talk might help the tiniest bit.

I don't have kids so I have no idea how it feels to go through all this, and I am not even 100% sure of my opinion on it. But I do think Shari's 14yr old son's talking could be valid from within himself, not fed into him. It is very hard for kids when their parents decide to move. One of my closest friends, even when she was 20, had a very hard time when her mother who she was still living with, decided to move to the other side of the country to be near other relatives. She felt very hurt that her mom would just move without considering if she wanted to move too, and in the end her mom did move, and this friend moved in with my family(because she did not want to move). She has been living with my parents ever since, even though her mom lives back here again. She didn't feel a stable life with her mom, and my parents let her stay with them until she decides to move out one day. She and her mom are on very good terms, and our families are close, but she still lives with my parents...not with her own mom.

Kids don't usually just want to move, to leave their established life, unless they want a new start or are convinced that the move is very important to do. And in my opinion, it seems important when the parents integrate the kids into the decision, when they are under a certain age and cannot live on their own. I don't believe the parents should just say "we are going, thats it, make your choice". They should ask their kids what they think about moving, and why they would or would not want to, before making the definite decision. Explaining why you have to move is the only way they may possibly see...but no matter what, they may be thinking, why can't mom just stay here since we want her to. They might not think the reason is important enough, if they don't understand it.

Well I am sorry to hear how upset your son is Shari.

My son's dad is like that to. Always putting crap in there heads when they were younger. That will never stop with some ex's, no matter how old our kids get. Only good thing about that is when they get older they relize all the bull crap there dad's said to them about their mother was lie's. My son's are 17 and 21 now, but they went thru some crap with their dad with all his lie's and crap. Now that their older they know that they dont have a good father and never have. My youngest has been here a year now,, and never calls his dad at home. He's just says, why should I bother. Being a good parent from a distance is better than not being a good parent at all, in my eyes. The love for your children is always strong no matter the distance between you. Your children will see this Shari. Its just going to be hard on your family right now till the move, then things will get better once everyone is settled and everyday life goes on. Hang in there, and things will work out for you. You have to be happy to girl. HUGS

I do agree that the children need to have a say in this, which is why I have one child here with me and the other is with his father. It was the family mediator who told us that although it is good to give them choices no child wants that big of a decision put on their shoulders. Because then they interpret that we are asking them to choose between two people they love equally. In our case we told them that indeed mom was moving, dad was staying that we both loved them dearly and we were interested to know their thoughts on where they may like to live. That said we told them we would take what they said into consideration and make final decisions based on that. The mediator explained to us that throughout the divorce it was important that we maintained a parent/child relationship with our children and not let them feel as if any burden is theirs. Whether a parent is moving down the road or across an ocean, I think similar emotions come out of it.


I think also, Shari, as to what to respond to what he had said to you about how you could leave them and its not right. Rather than argue the fact, tell him you understand how he feels that way. That it is OK for him to feel that way. It is a good thing that he is sharing his feelings and thoughts with you ( no matter how hard to swallow ) You can explain until you are blue in the face the reasons why you are moving but if he is upset he will most likely not understand the value to your words. Tell him you are sad that he feels that way, explain that you do not feel as you are leaving him or his siblings anywhere. You are just moving a bit further away and it will take some adjustments and time to figure it all out.

we're driving up to Canada to pick up my little girl tomorrow ! I can't wait! She'll be here for the summer.

YAY!

I hope she has a wonderful time here.

Are you going to take her to Lagoon?

i am sorry that some of you have been put in the position of having to leave your children, but i would never ... ever leave my child(ren) for anything or anyone.

i was left behind as a child.

there is nothing worse no matter how you sugar coat it or how you try to rationalize it to your child. unfortunately, it is the reason most stay in an unhealthy relationship for so long ... because you don't want to be 'left' again. thankfully, i was able to realize this after i had my own children and had an emotional, at length discussion with my mother.

now here's the ironic part ... given the opportunity would i have gone with her? yes do i wish that she left my sister and i behind? no am i glad that she did? yes in my specific case, i was given a better upbringing, remained with family, afforded a comfortable lifestyle and have an overall better life because of that today.

but i can tell you, no child wants you to leave them behind regardless if they don't want to go with you.


*feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this further*

I see this thread has been resurrected. I didn't read it all, but wanted to add for those thinking about leaving kids behind:

My son is almost 23. The pain of leaving him has not lessoned in the 3 months since I first contributed to this thread. I still do think that leaving him was not the best thing to do.

That being said, moving back might or might not make a difference. It would certainly raise different problems. Eventually I will either accept my poor choice or continue to live in this hell.

Have a great trip Lily.

Enjoy the summer with your little girl

Have a lovely reunion Lily!!!

Gimy,
I posted this a LONG time ago on another debate....
I too was left by my Mother when i was five years old ....and even though she was in the same city, it has affected me my ENTIRE life....huge abandonment and trust issues....etc.

Like you, even though I had a much much more stable up-brinigng, a house an involved stepmom etc, the feeling of abandoments never left me...

I'm 40 years old and can still feel it affecting me.

If my husband could not or would not have moved here and my kid's Dad's wouldn't let them go there, we would have either had a long distance relationship for the next 8 years or parted ways....

Thank God my husband said to me BEFORE we got married "You have kids, I'll come there, it's the only fair thing".

He gave up a Government job, socailized medicine etc, for us.....
He's a gem for sure......

Well everyone's situation is different.

My oldest son was 20 when I came here, its not like he was a baby when I left Canada. That being said, I know how much I miss him and he's an adult. I cant imagine what the ladies and men on VJ feel like having to leave there young children.

Some parents are not good parents when they live with the child in the same house. You can still be a GREAT parent if your child doesnt live with you. Same as all the men that dont have their children full time when they live with there mom's. Are they bad parents for only seeing them on weekends?

I just dont understand why some people have to rub salt in someone wounds, when there already hurting as it is.

Its called compassion.

Peggy, I honestly wasn't trying to rub salt into anyone's wounds, I jsut feel compelled to implore that this decision be taken very very seriously,

I speak from the other side of the issue, it DOES affect the child and maybe forever, maybe not....but it did in my case.

Obviously 20 years old is ENTIRELY different than five......

I am sure there are some people, as mentioned, who it did not work out so well for and feel as though they were abandoned and that truly is a terrible feeling. Just as some children grow up resenting the parents they did live with the entire time. It is all in the parenting and how it is handled near or far. My son gets praise and punishment from me still, there is a daily connection with us. I grounded him a couple weeks ago... I am never to far away to parent. I appreciate the posts that give both sides and welcome them. Like most everyone, I am interested to know others stories in similar situations as us. It helps us deal as well as keep in check what it is we need to do to avoid as many mistakes as possible. I am ok with those who say " I would never leave my children " as long as they are not judging those who have. Everyone's situation is different. Empathy is such a wonderful quality in a person.

I just got back from picking my daughter up from Canada to spend the summer with us and this was the first time I've been online.

And ya know what? This will be my last time on VJ becuase I am sick to death of those bloody do-gooders who think I'm such a terrible person for leaving my child. You think it was Fu**king easy for me to do that? Your WRONG!
Gimy, you and your CONDESCENDING, " You can PM me if you want " little note in here , can go to hell for all I care"
Oh ya , forgot ya don't believe in anything ya Darwin loving Biatch!
Sorry, I've held my breath long enough and I don't intend to anymore.
You NEVER have anything good to say so Shut the hell up and stay out of this thread. Ya don't have a F**kin clue!
My child WASN"T and DOESN'T FEEL ABANDONNED< PERIOD< GOT IT? GOOD !

It's about time someone had the balls to speak up to your "better than anyone else on VJ" attitude.
YOU ARE NOT MY Child and ya DON'T know JACK about my Child or MY situation so shut the F**K up.
Nuff said, I'm outta here.

Lily please do not take what other people say so personally, you do not know these people, they do not know you or your situation. I know that people like you and I can take things out of context, much closer to the heart than other people, please just enjoy the time you are having with your daughter, I do hope that you reconsider your opinion of VJ not all people come from the same pod.

*Big Hugsssss*

Janice

Think about every child who has had to endure a divorce, whether the mom or dad has moved far away or not. Some have feelings of abandonment and others do not. It is very much up to how the separation is dealt with. Of course no child wants this to happen and wishes for their family to stay together, this is a huge life altering experience.

We cannot put people into two categories here or on any other topic. Too many variables come into place. All we can do is share our own experiences and find a common thread.

A family therapist I talked to years ago told me.. never say never. You can persume how you would deal with a crisis or situation all you want, but until you are faced with it in person you truly have no idea the decisions you would make.

Whether you have chose to move away from you children or not, I hope everyone still feels comfortable in sharing their honest opinions here.

Dont pay no attention to what others say on here Lily.

Everyone does what they feel is the RIGHT choice for their situation.

Just enjoy your summer with your daughter.

Speaking your mind is not a bad thing either. Lots do it on here, your not the first, and you wont be the last.


Have a great summer

Odd, I didn't see Gimy directly say anything to you. She shared her experience from her own personal perspective and offered what some people's children may be going through.

If it doesn't apply to you, and you know your situation is not that, then why the vitriolic anger?

I also don't understand what her religious views (Darwin) have to do with this thread, other than being a personal attack. Which is against the TOS. There are ways to get your point across, even vehemently, without crossing the line you just did.






I'm not a parent and so cannot understand from that aspect of a separation. I have however been a much-loved child who had to endure separations that were not of my making nor were they comfortable. I was 16 and a child of divorce. I carry those scars with me, on my heart, to this day. Logically I know it was a much better situation all around. Emotionally I did not.

I feel sympathy for those of you who have had to make such choices and who are doing the best they can in such circumstances. I don't know how I would have handled making such a choice.

I think the thing I glean from Gimy's and Kiki's posts is that your kids will be affected and there's no telling exactly how. This is something they will carry, whether they share it with you or not. It may be easier to believe that it's the ex feeding it, but I can honestly tell you that at least in my case, it was wholly me. I would have been heartbroken if my parents hadn't at least acknowledged it.

As always, well said cerise!

For the most part, most parents have a difficult job doing their best in the best interests of their child(ren). There is no manual, there is no "perfect" way to do things. Sometimes it works just by sheer luck. What works for one kid may not work for another. It's a balancing act. And there are a 1000 different variables that can influence your decisions every day. Ain't life grand Love them the best that you can, no matter where you or they are.

Right on the money Daisy

2 more sleeps until I have ALL my kids with me again We are planning a trip to Disneyland on the 4th of August. It will be my first time there as well so I think I am just as excited as the kids are about it.

Been thinking of you all, wondering how things are going.

Have a wonderful visit with your children

Hello all! A lot has changed in the past 3-4 weeks since I've written last. Keith was offered the job in Tampa, and we were 99% sure we were going to take it as it was the ONLY job offer he had had since he got his work permit in January, but two days after their offer arrived, Keith got offered a local job - though starting at the bottom. The money for Tampa was 3 x better , but not only did my daughter not want to move with us (she would have moved in with her dad here), we had to think about the up-front money we didn't have to get started in a new city/state. We were going to rent a house and would have had to put down security deposit and 1st month's rent, put deposits on utilities, etc., and since Keith has been out of work since he left England last September, we are BROKE, though my dad offered to loan us what money we needed up front. Also, if the company for some reason didn't like Keith (or he didn't like them/the job) and they fired him (their offer stated "Florida is an at-risk state and employees can be terminated without cause or notice"), we would be stuck in a far away town from our family and friends. Anyhow, as I said, he took the "peon" job and will work himself up (unless he gets any better job offers). The owner of the engineering firm was very impressed with Keith's resume, but he is having to learn a whole new type of engineering (he was a mechanical engineer and this is bioscientific or something). He is going through a 3 month training period without any benefits , will work as a technician for 3 more months, and then hopefully if he learns this new stuff, they will promote him to engineer.

So that is where we have been - discussing job options, stressing, weighing the pros and cons, and coming to a final decision. I wish you all the best and I know Fetaria is having a GREAT time with her kids right this very minute.

Hiya. I am sorry to hear you are going through this and I send you hugs but I also know how exactly you feel cause I am going through the same situation as you.

I have three children, I had to leave my eldest daughter behind, she is nearly 12 and lives with her dad and his wife and 3 teenage children. My other two Claire is 10 and is autistic and Dominic my son is nearly 5 came with me. My ex partner (children's father) and I were going through a terrible uncomfortable 8 years of hell. I wasn't treated right, I wanted to find someone new who would care for me and not be a tight fisted git with money and pay more attention to me and so on. We split up in the March 2003 and he was then dating someone else, she's on medication for mental illness, depression, her weight and so on, I knew he was friends with her, so no affair there. Anyway, they both decided to turn my eldest daughter Fiona against me, brainwashed her by saying I no longer loved her, I didn't want her where I did. I loved her very much and they had turned her against me. In the May 2003, I met my husband online and we became friends, good friends. My ex partner and his wife got married. I had to go to court for him to have parental responsibility and that was tough enough, but it was his wife who was really nasty to me. She was saying I was a bad mother and so on and that I didn't pay much attention to my children when I did. My husband and I fell in love and realised how much we had in common and hobbies we mostly share that are the same which was fantastic, I found the man of my dreams As months and years went by, my ex partner and his wife and me started to be friends for the kids sake but he was still a cniving (Spelling) lying little toad. Fiona started to change and started want to come and see her sister and brother which was fine by me, but my ex partner's wife was lousy at getting Fiona's hair clean as she was suffering with major headlice, it's still the same now, just her stepmother can't be bothered to get her hair clean and I feel sorry for Fiona cause her hair would still be clean if she hadn't chosen to live with her dad. At first, when I told my ex partner that I was emigrating to the USA, he said I wasn't taking the kids. He hardly saw them anyway so what does it matter. Anyway, arguements started up again and then finally, he gave in because he was struggling to pay child support money fro my other two kids. So he signed a letter to say they can go in front of a solicitor/lawyer. Since we emigrated, Fiona has been very upset because she's missing us, me and her sister and brother. I think Clive (ex partner) is jealous because I have a happy life and I am married, I have my two kids here and hopefully trying to get Fiona here too to be with us. The part that was really upsetting me lately was that his wife was telling me not to mention the wedding to Fiona and other things. She told me Fiona would look at Claire and Dominic's pictures each night which makes me happy and I did send a mini photo album of wedding photo's which I am hoping she got and that my ex partner is stopping her to keep. I know Fiona wants to be here with us and she misses us very much as we do the same and I'm wondering how she is and so on. My ex partner's wife has said so many nasty things to me before I got married and I just broke down and cried. They both tried to dump debts on me which weren't even mine and I was very emotional over it, I truly don't need them doing this to me.

I can understand you wanting your son to be with you and make up for lost time, I too want the same with my daughter. We use to bond very well but now we've lost that bonding and will be very hard to get it back again. Have a fantastic time with all your children Fetaria, you deserve it.

Alison.

Isn't that the way of life? You think you know which direction you are heading and then BAM the fates throw you in a different direction. Well hopefully Keith's job works out how you want it to. Although less pay, it solved the problem of having to leave your daughter which is great. Who knows, he may move up that ladder rather quickly being that he is already such a smart cookie with a shining resume. I really am having a wonderful time with the kids here. The little ones adore my son and see him as a superhero so he likes that. I swear he has grown two feet.. he is not even 12 yet and almost as tall as me! We are off to Disneyland on Friday so we are all having trouble sleeping already with all the excitement
Was so good to hear from you Shari as I was wondering what was going on in your world.

Alison,
You are not alone. I feel bad for you in your situation. It bothers me when I hear of people like your children's stepmother acting as she does. She must not realise how the people she is truly hurting are the kids. As weird as we feel our ex-spouses are we try very hard to be civil and keep the kids in mind when interacting with the other parents. No matter what a duffass I think their dad is I would never let them hear me say so I know it is hard with the head lice thing. I am very particular about hygiene whereas my es husband is SO not. The kids go from one extreme to the other. When I picked my son up from the airport he told me he had tried to get back into the routine of brushing his teeth every day knowing I would be after him to do so We thought of giving them both hot showers with bleach when we picked them up. The cleaned up good though. I do hope your daughter is able to move and be with you. Keep us posted on that.

Disneyland was just too much fun! All my worrying over overcompensating between the children and all that for nothing. Everyone is getting along and fighting like normal siblings should. There seems to be a bit of competition between the two middle kids but other than that we are just another brady bunch. This month is going by too fast however. When my son goes back on the 2nd he will be gone until Spring Break which is going to be a long stretch. Hope you are all hanging in there.

How about some advice to those of use who will be sending our babes home to visit family when we move? My kids will see their dad lots I'm sure- it's up to him...but having them away for a whole summer etc, what do you do to keep focused and not be sick with worry? I am really worried I won't be able to function without them, let alone focus on a new marrige and life. Any advice, we will get a camera phone for the computer, I was thinking of making them some photo albums to bring of new house etc. It will make me nuts--- proud of you guys that do the whole long distance parent thing, good job.

I am usually nervous from the moment they leave my sight to be with their dad until the moment they return. It is hard not to be when I don't agree with his "parenting techniques" if you can call them that. How old are your children? I started a scrapbook for my daughter so she could show her family and friends her new home and school and things like that, she worked on it while she was there to add things she does while she is there. We talk on the phone a lot, as well playing games online with each other. Some nights they would call at bed time so I could kinda lull them to sleep with my voice, a way to tuck them in from afar. Those calls are hard though, I find them to hurt my heart more than any. Stay positive for them and talk lots about all the good things they will get to do while away as well as what to look forward to when they return. Another thing I do for them is to hide a note or surprise in their carry on bag for the flight. That is all I can remember at this time. Good luck to you