huh?

[quote name='Fetaria' date='Jun 5 2006, 10:29 PM' post='233802']
[/quote]
Hi i could be experiencing this very thing!, i am near the end of my divorce, then i will start my fiance visa off to be with my love Sue in Michigan. I have 3 boys 7,2,2, i have been there main primary carer since they were all Born. My wife goes to work.
My solicitor said she doesn't have much of a chance as she went off to find her old bf from 11 years ago and they want a child of their own!. I'm just busy worrying about being able to take them with me to lived!....gotta go through the high court and stuff. I've already been out to states with eldest boy for nearly 3 weeks,he cried he had to come back to his own mum!.. So i need lots of prayers people and best wishes!..
Watch this space i will keep you all posted,....... Also any advice would be good too!...
[/quote]

Derbys12
Have you talked with your ex-wife about the possiblity of the children moving with you? Does she still live near by or has she moved away already? Please do keep us informed. I don't have much in the way of advice or wisdom as I do not know how the court system works in your country. Hopefully someone from your area reads your post and has some ideas they can share about your situation. My ex husband and I went to a family mediator before the divorce. It was very helpful to talk to a lawyer who was on neither side but full of information as to what the divorce judge would be looking for in regards to the children's well being. We were able to take that information and draw up an agreement that suited us as well as satisfied the court.
[/quote]

Hi there,just to let you know we had our last meeting at mediation today (the so called neutral lawyer)
Well its turned bad where my wife wants joint custody of the kids which i am refusing as i said i've done nothing wrong she did.She also made out she didn't know about me moving to America!
So she made a right song and dance about me taking the kids to America, so i said i would see her in court.
We are both in the same house as her name is on the tenancy, even though i have lived there 4 years i'm expected to move out. So basically people its a case of wathc this space!, IF i have to go to America without the kids i will ,BUT theres no reeason why i can't take them.I have looked after all 3 kids since they were born, she sees them an hour a day!.

So please keep prayers and best wishes coming folks! Until i see whats happening here

LOve You Sue!!

Of course anyone can agree or disagree with whatever we want. And Fetaria started this thread, so I should probably stop stepping in BUT I feel very strongly in defense of these women(and men!) who are having a difficult time already. Can we just try to keep this a non-debate thread about what is right or wrong(in each individual's eyes) and instead just let it be about support and encouragement? M. (sorry someone just posted in between..didn't see that before I put this one here...)

Step in a much as you want to Michelle, you have a better way with words than i do, I just tend to feel anger when i read certain things, life isnt always as cut & dry as some people think it is, , so thanks Michelle



It has always been my thought that unless you use the services of a sperm donor, doesnt the child have 2 parents, who's responsibilities are the same??

I agree with you Michelle.......I don't see any reason why anyone on here should judge about the care of others children....as far as I can tell each and everyone of the kids talked about on here have been assured of loving care, mostly by the other PARENT (who is to say dads are less responsible or obligated to their children?). It is my experience than these kind of separations are way harder on the absent parent than the absent child as long as the child is secure and loved in it's home enviroment all will be good. Only families together can decide what is best for their own children....and sometimes heart breaking choices have to made.

I have a 10 yr old....I feel extremely guilty for taking him away from his natural father, sisters and brother, his beloved grand~parents.....and he doesn't want to leave them, he has told me he wants to stay in England ....we have all discussed what would be best for him and his own wishes but for us the decision was to take him cos his dad is not a young man (21 yrs my senior, and I am no spring chicken ) and my parents are getting older........but one thing is certain, I AM going to be with my future husband. Life is hard at times.

It would be nice for this thread to remain a support for those who need it...but it is my experience that these types of threads more than often will turn ugly........

Are you for real or what?

Do you have children?


Some people just have to get there two cents in whether they hurt someone feelings or not.

I guess this poster is one of them.


I hate when people need to say things when people are already hurting.

Its called GROW UP AND GET A LIFE.

Take your negative remarks somewhere else on here if ya have nothing good to say in this thread.

THIS THREAD IS FOR SUPPORT, NOT BASHING PEOPLE THAT ARE ALREADY MISSING THERE KIDS.

I was one of the people ..that couldn't believe how people could leave there kids ..the thought of it broke my heart .yeah i knew they probably had their reasons ..but i my self couldn't understand it .

Not until now ...you can't judge anyone until you are in their shoes ..which i am now

It's not like we went out looking for someone on the otherside of the world ...
everyone that has left or is leaving a child/children wish they could be with us .

I may not be with them every day ..but they will also know i love them and i may be miles away from them but i will always be their mother and they will know i am there for them when they need me .

right now i am lucky that i still have time with them ..and i am making the most of that time to let them own how much i love them before i leave .

So to all those out there that disagree with our decision ..i really hope you don't end up in our shoes ..cause i not sure how much support you would get here

hugs to you all ..and this is a great thread it has helped me alot knowing i'm not the only parent out there going through this

sorry not that great with words

I wish i had a good way with words, i just ramble and it all gets a bit confusing, but very well said

I had a son that died, I cant see him, talk to him on the phone or webcam, i wish i could, i would give anything for him to be just a plane ride away,I live with this every day of my life!!!
The Son i left behind is 8 hours away from me, i could be there tomorrow if he needed me to be,it hurts he chose to remain with his dad, extended family, friends,school all that familiar, but he's happy, and thats the way children should be, HAPPY!!

Michelle.. we want you here so no stepping out please.
I understand people not understanding and I am ok with it but would encourage them to have some empathy. I think often the first reaction is that we are all unconcerned with our children and off to start a new life. Let me tell you.. that thinking could not be further from the truth. I did not leave my son alone... he is with his father, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his friends.. he is surrounded by love there and here. Me taking him away from his dad at this point in his life was not the best choice. Possibly the critics would suggest we stay put, be neighbours with our ex spouses until the children are grown. Wouldn't it be handy if the world was that small.
I keep making this point and I will keep making this point... I see more distance between some parents and children living in the same houses as I have seen between these parents who do not live close to their children!!!
For those who come here, like I do, for support and understanding.. as well as to just see how you and your children are doing... don't let the nay-sayers deter you. I do not let ignorance upset me. Whatever choice you make in life.. it is made and you are wasting time in dwelling over if it was the right one or not. We are given one life and we play an important part of our children's lives no matter how or where we do it. Your happiness does wonders for them so although raising children takes sacrifices of sorts.. it does not mean sacrafice yourself entirely. The meaning gets lost if you do and they will be no better for it.
I believe whole-heartidly that the love of a parent for a child has no boundries, it crosses time and sometimes oceans. Our children are loved and they know it. I wonder if those parents in bold I talk about express their love as much or if their children feel as cared for? I sure hope so.

Every well said

I AGREE.

Great post

Me too!

I dunno...I guess it just chaps me lately. A lot of you saw it in the thread we had going, which is thankfully gone and will stay gone, and now here, and many other places over the board. Everyone just MUST have an opinion because it's his/her right. Well, what about what IS right? There's more than 1 way to think about the word 'right'. M.

My husband wants to know if your a Moron??!
Your not in my shoes.

Hey hey let's all be nice. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I posted once before that if my son (then 11 1/2 years old at the time) had not been allowed to immigrate here, I would have not come here myself but that's me. Everyone has to do what they feel is right. I miss my two adult daughters who are still back in Canada and I have a lot of guilt feelings over that to this day (4 years later) as we were very close. Running back to Canada few times a year is not an option due to finances. For me it might have been a lot easier if I was just a few hours drive away but it is what it is.

I agree everyone is entitled to an opinion but when that opinion is on a subject that is sensitive at the best of times then that opinion is not worth replying to. As I said in a previous post on this thread, this is a public forum and people do think they have the right to reply even when they know nothing of the heartache or decisions that men and woman make concerning there children, especially when they do not have any children. The people on this thread are not asking for sympathy but SUPPORT in the decisions that they have made. This does not mean that people can degrade us in any way shape or form. If there lives are so Empty then yes by all means be bitter towards the people here on this thread but I would of thought with all that this process involves they would use there time a bit more wisely.

Janice

Awww, my heart goes out to you. I don't have any kids, but I was a kid that was left behind. My dad wanted me and said my brother could go with my mom. My brother and I had a meeting and we chose not to be split up. So we both stayed in our home counrty but with my grandparents and my mother migrated to the US. My dad would visit us and take us to stay with him in the summer, but he would suck as a single parent - just not good with children by himself. Soon my dad left for the US and my brother and I stayed on with gramms and gramps until a DECADE later when they finished US college and got good jobs.

Everyday my brother and I ask if it was worth it, because we are both successful professionals and have a good "american life." We both had some serious serious issues and had to get counseling (he did I didn't). And I resented my mom for a long time (Ironically I was not really mad at my dad ).

All I can say to you is just continue to let your son know that you still love and want him. I used to wonder if they would forget about me. SO just keep reminding him that if he should ever change his mind the doors would be open.

I think the fact that you are aware of the possibilty of short changing your daughter and step children is half the battle. Once you are aware you can take special care to make them feel special and "integrated".

Keep all lines of communication open and try to make lots of visits. Look for signs of resentment from any of the kids and get help right away to solve it. Dont let it build up.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Very good advice and wonderful to hear from a grown child of a similar situation. I will remember your words, thank you. Sometimes I think maybe I over do it a bit, letting them know how much they mean to me, re assuring and offering to talk if they need. I just dont want them to think they have no say or what they feel does not matter because it really does. I want for them to tell me if they are sad or mad because of whatever reason and I worry that they will tell me everything is fine until I notice it is not some other way. I guess all I can do is keep the conversation going and hope they will be honest with me about their feelings. Thank you again for posting.

Thanks for sharing you perspective as a Grown child who went thru this.

My daughter knows she is loved, we talk everyday online, She can call 24/7 , we fly her here on all school breaks etc.. so I'm pretty sure she knows we didn't just up & leave her. My daughter is looking forward to moving her in 2 yrs. when she is finally legally allowed to move without her dads permission.

Okay.
I've sat back and let this thread run and read it without adding my opinion because this subject is a very delicate one with me. When Rick and I met online 6 years ago and fell in love, my 2 oldest kids were 17 (girl) and 13 (boy). My youngest daughter was just 4 then. For three long years Rick and I were in a long distance relationship. He couldn't move to Canada and give up his pension with the state that he'd already worked almost 20 years for. I wouldn't move to the US because I knew Fawn and Justin were too old to just be uprooted and be immersed in a new country and new way of life (from a big city like Montreal to a farm in the middle of the Blue Ridge Mountains) and already had their lives established and there was no way they were willing to leave it all behind. I didn't think it was fair of me to ask them to, either. So Rick and I endured the separation, seeing each other once for a weekend every 2 or 3 months. My heart broke to pieces at every goodbye. Rick asked me to marry him. I wanted to be able to jump in the air elated as I should have at his proposal but instead it just made me cry even more because I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave my kids behind and I wasn't going to force them to move with me. Then Fawn and Justin got wind of it all. And those 2 wonderful loving children of mine made my decision for me. They sat me down and told me they WANTED me to move to the US and marry Rick. Yes, we'd all miss one another of course but they went on to say that they had never seen me so in love and BE loved as I was with Rick. They knew and had seen first-hand all the crap I went thru and endured with their father.They told me they'd even gone so far as to already talk to their father about moving in with him and there were no problems with that either. To make a long story short, after thinking it over long and hard for several months, I finally agreed to marry Rick. And I brought my youngest daughter to the US with me.
Now, 3 years later, I can honestly say it works. It wasn't easy at first. I missed Fawn and Justin so terribly. Their father made it diffcult for me to keep in touch with them. I bought them a cam and mic - he wouldn't let them use it. Then actually disconnected his internet service. I kept in touch with them in every way that I could. Phone, snail mail, letters, parcels, anything I could think of. I'd worry when I hadn't heard from them for 2 or 3 weeks at a time hoping they were ok and that "this" wasn't the time when they decided they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore. I still worry like that even now, despite their reassurances that it will never happen and it was simply a case of, as my daughter put it, "We have LIVES, Mom!" They are 23 and 18 years old now, after all. I endured many people calling me down, saying I'd abandoned my 2 kids (even tho it wasn't that way at all) I had those who spat on me because I had separated my youngest daughter from her 2 siblings. Even tho she has absolutely THRIVED here in the US and despite the fact that there was a very large age gap between my first 2 and Alli and they never really had a lot in common nor spent a lot of time together. Of course they do love each other as siblings tho and I have definitely made sure that THEY have kept in touch too. We get to see them an average of 2 to 3 times a year. Well....got to see them, I should say. It's been a bit more difficult this past year with both of them now working and going to college. They have boyfriend and a girlfriend and my son also has a rock band that has been making the Montreal circuit as well so they've been really busy. But I am thrilled to say that we leave in 12 short days again for another visit with them in Montreal. A whole week of all three of my kids together in a cottage on a lake! And I will absorb it all in and take a multitude of pics to have something to fall back on when the "dry" times come again, know what I mean?
No...it's not easy. But it's not impossible either. We've been doing it for 3 years now and we've adjusted. It takes time just like anything else. Perserverance...but mostly, love.

Thank you for sharing your story Sharon. Sounds as if you raised some pretty spectacular kids there. I love hearing such things. Enjoy your visit at the cottage!!


"No...it's not easy. But it's not impossible either. We've been doing it for 3 years now and we've adjusted. It takes time just like anything else. Perserverance...but mostly, love."

Great post Sharon..............

Enjoy your trip back home to Canada

awwwww your post made me cry too, Sharon, much like the rest of the posts in this thread. I could be just overly emotional, but I don't think so.....really really touching stories everyone. M.

Men/fathers also left or are leaving their home country without their kid(s) and probably for similar reasons than women/mothers... I just want to say it because most posters are women and readers may think that's women's concerns only... but be sure that I (and most men too) do understand your questioning and pain.

I'm moving to USA this coming september but w/o my 10 y/o daughter that is used to live with me since her early 3 y/o (i have custody).

Well it wasn't easy and still at all to take this decision but as most of you mothers, I tried to take account of her wishes.
She wants to stay here because she's also very close to her mother, she's used to spend lots of time/vacation with my older brothers' kids, she's obviously scared by a new life where she will hardly make friends due to language boundary...etc etc...
All her reasons are understandable.

I also know how uncertain my future life will be in USA (especially financial aspect) even if my US wife has job, house...etc...Such a move can be a real disorder in particular she feels forced to follow me !

SO in my mind, it would be better to wait until my situation over there is clear and my daughter enuff mature/informed then she can decide where she wants to live...

Anywayz, i think there is NO ideal choice but just listen to our kids' choice...we all lose something.

Groomit

Nice post Groomit.................

Its just as hard on the dad's leaving their children.


Everyone situation is different.

Groomit, Thank you for your post. In time she may change her mind and want to move. Who knows what the future will bring. You are very strong to let her choose and give her what she needs in spite of what you want.
On top of missing my son who did not move with me I worry that my daughter, who is the same age as yours, will change her mind or resent the move. She is happy to be with me, adapting to the new life but I know she misses her friends she left behind. She is there now with her dad being showered with gifts and freedom to do whatever she pleases. I know as an adult it is all just surface and material but a 10 year old's perspective may see it much differently prefering the "stuff". Isnt that the way of a parent though, just when you think you have one worry in check... along comes another one.

Groomit
That is the same reason my 10 year old son wanted to stay with his father, & I respected what he wanted & what would make him happy, I am hoping 1 day he will change his mind as he gets older, Its hard to go along with their desision & to put your own feelings aside, its a very selfless thing you have done, & I hope it all works out for you
My son recently visited me, & he was sat on the step outside, we were talking, & out of the blue he said .."I wish everyone i knew lived here", I said do ya,why?, he said "cos its way better!!"................and now every time i speak to him, 1 of his first questions is, "When can i come again",..............I have to save up as I have to fly to England, pick him up to bring him here, then take him back!!, His father is making things very difficult too , I would love for him to come for the whole of august, but finacialy its just too much ,I just dont have that kind of money!, so I am hoping for Christmas, fingers crossed his dad will let him come

Just to let people know especially fretarria, i sat andf had a long chat with my wife, about me going to be with my love in Americsa and her love is coming down from Scotland, but she is adamant that she WILL NOT let me take the kids to America!!!.. .My eldest son(7) is so desperate to go!!, i just don't know what to do!, my solicitor said it would have to go through the high courts. I am the childrens primary carer i have been since they were all born, they are twins of 2 and another boy of 7.


When my wife sees them for an hour a day before she puts them in bed after coming home from work she CAN NOT COPE!, i have them all day and i'm fine... i just don't know what to do people, i don't want to put my kids through a court case but don't want to go without them!.

She samcks my eldest when i'm not in the room, last friday i went for a drink with a friend, 15 mins after being home she decides to tell me one of the twins got scolded!. He picked up a cup of hot tea in the kitchen and she didn't rush to stop him going in the kitchen!.
I pray constantly for this, and help from others about this situation, please people.what should i do!?.... [attachmentid=1516]

My eyes are blurry as I type; this is such an emotional thread. Parents, mums and dads are often misjudged, some people are not empathic, and relationships are all difficult, whether between adults or our own children!

I tried to raise my boys to be happy well-adjusted to grow to be healthy adults, to think and feel and make decisions for themselves. My children sometimes surprised me with their maturity and wisdom. Sometimes, I saw glimpses of life through their 4 pairs of eyes and I learnt life lessons from opening my eyes to the alternative ideas they had.

My 4 sons are so far away; I can’t wait to get my green card so I can go home and see them. Probably I just need to see for myself that they are all happy and continuing life as normal, and although it’s nice for them to miss me, (for me) I hope they are not really missing me too much. They know they can sms me and I will call them straight back, and I am online most of the time, (but of course, times zones interfere) but I do miss the day-to-day stuff.

The 2 eldest boys are now settled in their own families, and I probably hear from them just as much as if I was in the same country. The 3rd is at Uni and working so I have contact with him almost as much. The baby of the family (he’d kill me) is just about to turn 18. He came on a K2, but insisted on his right to return, and sadly I saw him off on the long flight, wishing he'd have enjoyed it here enough to stay. I think he missed everything about home too much, and since we will want to retire there to live in about 6 years, I m not sure what country he'd have wanted to be in, then. So as someone before said, perhaps things happen for a reason. All I know is he proved USA isn’t always the most desirable country to live in for every person.

Luckily, even though my sons don’t completely understand they do support my decision to be happy and that means being with the love of my life.

I hope you can all find the inner happiness that you deserve and that your children realize what wonderful parents you are, and maybe some of these posts need to be printed and kept for them to read, because when they are mature they will appreciate, all the more, the deliberation and anguish that you have gone through to make the right decisions for you and your family.

you need to make sure your children are safe ... evidenced by that picture: they are not ... and THAT should be your priority at this moment. other people on the forum have children what were able to communicate their wants to their parents ... your's cannot and your first concern should be their well-being. have you even had a burn that large before?? it's excruciatingly painful.

you don't want to put your children through a court case yet you allow them to be neglected (scalded) and abused ... go to court and settle this. then worry about coming to america. is your true love is in america, she should have no problem flying to the UK to be with you during the wait.

Be easy now Gimy.

I would imagine how he already feels that his little guy got burned.

I know you say whats on your mind, but sometimes adding words that will hurt this man more is really unfair.

He probley goes thru hell everyday worrrying about his decision he is making.

I like you and respect you, but sometimes you should really think before you type something about someones else's child.

I know you mean well, but that was kinda mean to say to this man that is already hurting enough.

Peace out..................Peggy

Me again with more of an update. My husband went on an interview yesterday for a job in Tampa - 9 hours from here. The manager told him the company would be putting a proposal together to offer him the job the end of next week and wants to fly my husband and I down to check things out (he interviewed in Mobile, AL for the job in Tampa). Anyhow, it is looking more like this is going to be a sure thing for us, and again, although I am ecstatic about this job for my husband who has been looking for work since January, I am heartbroken my daughter doesn't want to move with us. She and I talked a little last night, and she cried and said she didn't want me to move. It is tearing me up inside. During the day I am busy at work and it's not fresh on my mind, but at night when I lay down to bed I softly sob with the thought of leaving her (and my other 2 children that live with their dad). She plays school softball and summer and fall travel ball, so it is going to be harder to get her down to see us than it would be for her brother. I support her so much too with her ball, watching every practice and NEVER missing a game (her father only came to 4 games out of at least 60 since February). I know most of you going through this are worse off than I am as you are across the ocean from your kids, but this hurts just as much knowing that now I see her every day and I won't see her but a few times a year. I feel I am going to miss so much. How do I ease the hurt for her and me in the weeks before a final move? goofy:

I must say this reply really really hurt me so much....
I am concerned over the safety of my children i hurt like crazy it was one hour away from them when this happened.
Stupidly thinking they were ok with my wife.Please don't judge me as i havcen't done anything wrong...
And i can Assure you they WILL be going to America with me, got the ball rolling this morning through the solicitor. Thankyou for your post and may God Blesss you.

peggy ...

in all seriousness, i did think before i typed a response about someone's child. as geoff and i are a couple that put the children before the relatinship, i have chosen not to a part of this thread because my opinion on this subject is so strong. we are all responsible for whatever actions we make in our life ... i am not in anyone else's shoes but my own and i know that children are a very touchy subject.

however, i stand by exactly what i said in my previous post and see nothing mean about it. i'm not sure what the regulations are in the UK, but that incident would surely have raised flags here in the US. i really can't even fathom why someone would post a pic of their injured child on the internet. personally, i think he (or Ewok) should remove it.

likewise, i return my like and respect for you ... thank you for sharing your feelings with me!






i'm sorry that my response hurt you, but that does not detract from the severity of the situation you are in. i am certainly not judging you in any fashion and i assume as their father that you have nothing but their best interest at heart. very glad to hear that you have been in touch with a solicitor ... please give them a picture of your child. i hope for nothing less than for you and children to be able to come to america and lead a happy life!

Sorry if anyone can tell me how to remove the pic i will do.Sorry for any offence caused.

Derbys12, I think for certain in your case .. fight for the right to take your children with you. I am glad to hear you have things started in that. It would be good to hear from other parents who have done the same and won. All I can offer is to keep it as distant from the kids as possible and not use them or let their mother use them as tools in the "fight". I am not sure how you keep it separate but I think very important that they are protected from the ugliness that can come from it. I think along with the bad evidence against her you will want to have strong evidence for the positive outcomes of them moving with you. Document everything, down to the amount of time spent with each of you now. I don't know that if at the age of 7 it would matter much his opinion on wanting to move but document that anyway. In Canada they can decide once they are 12. Good luck with this, I hope your son is recovering well.

Shari,

I am sorry.

A few things I did for my son before the big move was to make sure he and I had our own time together alone. Doing his favorite things, just hanging out making some good memories. I started a scrapbook for him. Gave him lots of hugs and nose kisses to last the time we would be apart. I asked his input for ideas of how to decorate "his" room in the new house and ideas of how he liked things so he knew that my new home was just as much his. Left some prestamped addressed envelopes for letters he may want to write. Set up a web cam for him. The final goodbye felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest, especially when he told me his eyes were wet, we both had a good hard cry. Gah, typing that made me cry again. I make sure now that each time we talk we are talking about what is ahead, how many sleeps until we are together again, what we will be doing and how fun it will be. I would say be strong, but dont. You dont have to hide that it hurts and neither should she. Be honest with yourself and her and say or feel whatever comes natural. My son and I get right carried away with the "I miss you mores" My heart goes out to you.



36 sleeps until I see my kids

Y'know I have to agree with Gimy. From what I have read I believe most of the parents here have left for the US in the knowledge that the children they have left behind are going to be well cared for, loved and happy...how much more difficult will it be to deal with not only the heartbreak of being without your kids, but on top of that constantly worrying about their welfare?

You need to address this issue through the courts if necessary, even if it does delay your plans.....or even try to reason with your ex, she must be aware that she cannot cope with the children on a full time basis.

Good Luck to you and your babies

And your post made me cry and I haven't even left - it's just thinking of that last goodbye until the next time. UGH! Thanks for your words of advice.

Wow Shari. I am glad Keith has some good news about a new job. I am sure it was getting him down not being able to find work.

Dont give up hope yet with your little girl. She may change her mind when she really finds out that you are moving. This is so hard on everyone involved. I will be praying that she changes her mind and moves with you, or that if she stays she will miss you so much and decides to move down after your settled.

My son did that to me for about 8 months. One month he was excited about coming, the next month he said he wasnt moving with me. He would change his mind so many times. This went on for 8 months before we finally moved here. Just before our interview he said he was moving for sure. It near drove me crazy wondering what to do, and if I could leave him behind. Thank God it worked out in the end and he's here with me. I hope the same happens with your little girl.

Sending your hugs..............Peggy

Awww Shari....what a bitter sweet situation for you Peggy is right tho' she may change her mind indeed.
I moved to another part of the UK because of my other half's job....we had a kind of a double whammy....my then 15yr daughter wanted to stay with her friends, boyfriend etc plus she was just about to start exams at school and my partners 18 yr old son decided to stay in AL when we had a visit before we moved.....So suddenely a house that was filled with teenagers and noise became just us and my 10 yr old, it was quite an adjustment

I speak to my daughter pretty much every day on the computer....she broke up with her boyfriend last week and it was so difficult trying to comfort her over the PC and of course I shall miss seeing her leave for her prom on Saturday But most importantly I know she is happy....she did really well in her exams and is off to college in September

I really hope your daughter changes her mind and leaves with you tho'.....

Fetaria, Pink Roses, & WelshCookie - thanks for the kind words. Yes, finally Keith's l-o-n-g job search is paying off. Regarding my daughter, I would hope she would want to come . . . eventually if not right away, but I do have to look at her happiness first. Like I said, the main things are friends, school, softball, big sister (20 years old), and twin brother (14-years-old). I don't think she would miss her dad much if she came down as his moods are up and down and she sort of ignores him, but I think the unknown scares her. Even if she flew down with us ahead of time to look it over, that doesn't help with knowing she will have friends. I won't push her or make her feel guilty for wanting to stay, but I will let her know I want her to come, and that she will always have a room to come to and she is only 9 hours away. Thanks again ladies.

Wow you guys made me all sad now. I dont have any children nor does my girlfriend.

But I think I would be completely devastated inside and I hear those same feelings from all of you.
All I can offer is cherish the time you do get to talk to them and when you are with them.

<raises hands and blesses all who have left someone behind>

Humbly,
Ramos

[MY ABOVE QUOTE WAS ADDED IN CASE NEW READERS HAD NO CLUE WHAT MY SITUATION WAS WHEN THEY READ MY REPLY BELOW]

So my sister who is 2 years younger than me (only sibling and always been close though she lives in another state now) emails me with her disgust at the prospect of me leaving my daughter that lives with me (and my 2 other kids that live with their dad) for Keith's one and only job offer in 5 months. She says "I do think that you are making a VERY bad choice if you choose to leave Birmingham and leave your kids. I understand that you feel the need to follow Keith to the ends of the earth, but at the expense of what can happen to the lives of your three children. If you abandon the kids... they will feel exactly that! No matter what they say, they will feel that you chose Keith over them. This is NEVER healthy. I believe that you will live to regret your decision when your children have children of their own, let alone - immediate regret." I couldn't even reply to her. I need to pull some quotes out of this thread at the kids that are doing well and thriving NOT being pulled away from where they grew up/live. Nothing I say or write will change her thinking. And of course my mother has basically said the same thing. My family is putting more stress on me which stresses Keith out which is not good for either of us.

Don't you just love famillies? Don't let others, even close family members, make you feel guilty about choices you have to make....I think you have to tell your sister that the decision to leave your daughter in Birmingham really comes down to your daughter....and if that is what she decides to do then I doubt she will have any feelings of 'abandoment', and if it comes to it she can always change her mind later

I noticed today on my daughter's Myspace that she has put a pic up of me with a caption "I love my mum more than anything"............certainly no feelings of abandonment or bitterness

Good luck Shari!

Just when you need a serious amount of support from your family.. you get that? There are SO many examples here of just how wrong she is. Do not let this add to your pile of stress or Keiths. You both made a decision based on your situation at this moment, you are not "abandoning" anyone here. What an awful word to use. Do look back and read some of the posts here again, PM those who have went through it and get more feedback. It is possible to parent this way and everyone comes out allright in the end. My son is thriving, we are closer than ever. You are a good mother. I wouldn't even respond to such an e mail, it is undeserving of your time. Sorry I am jumping around here.. I just really want you to know that it will be ok. And you know what? If after the move things are not going as planned, who is to say a change could not be made? Your daughter may decide to move too. We have such a short time to live this life, we cannot spend it sitting still in one spot for fear of making a mistake. So use your best judgement, do what you can to ensure everyone's happiness to the best of your ability including your own. Your sister is wrong. You are not choosing Keith over your children. When mothers work, do the children think we choose work over them? When we go to the movies without them do they dwell on the fact that we are choosing entertainment over them? Our children, whether we live with them or not, only feel abandoned if we make them feel that way by ignoring their wants and needs. I could just go on and on making the same point over and over.. so I will stop. Don't let her get you down.

Awwww - that was sweet. I'm sure you felt GREAT.

And yes, I have offered ALL my kids to move with us (though my oldest is in college here and my son won't leave his dad that he lives with). So I am not saying my youngest daughter cannot go. On the contrary, she knows I WANT her with us. She knows I am not choosing Keith or her. I want them both. She is choosing to stay for all her reasons. Yet she (and the other 2) know that if anytime any of them want to come down, we will have open arms for 1 and all. Thanks WelshCookie for the pick-me-up. My mother always seems to want to control my life or tell me what I am doing wrong. I am 45 years old. I'm a grown up. I just haven't told her to back off yet as I don't want to hurt her feelings, but now it has started bothering Keith as much as it bothers me ("he doesn't want to find a job in Birmingham - he wants to move away" - from you, yes mom if you keep it up), then I have to jump in and realize it may cause a rift between her and I.

Double post

Shari - I really feel for you and Keith in this situation and to a small degree can relate to how you feel. My parents have never met my husband and took great pains to tell me before I came to live in the US of how it would affect my son.

I had been a single parent for 14 years before I met my then fiance. We had lived 500 miles away from my family so had no family support and really did only have each other. They had a hard time understanding how I could meet and marry someone from 7000 miles away, believing it would all end in tears. My parents never had a relationship with my son, in fact when I divorced the first time they hated me for the fact that I wouldn't give my son to his father ( a know psychopath) so that I didn't have this millstone around my neck for the rest of my life!! So when it came to moving here, they told me in no uncertain terms how I was ruining my son's life, that he would feel as though I were abandoning him, how he would resent me and hate me and how he would reject me for supposedly putting my fiance above him - and how would I feel then?!!

My son was 15 at the time and was fully involved in discussions regarding where he would live, although he had limited options in that he had not seen his father for 14 years. He wisely decided to stay behind in the UK to complete school and stayed with very good friends. He did have challenging times when he felt down and I wasn't there to give him a hug and there were times when he blamed me for marrying again and moving away. When he arrived here 9 months after me, all he spoke about was moving back to the UK at the first opportunity stating that I didn't understand what he had sacrificed in moving here.

My husband and I both tried to make him feel loved and secure and made a point of stating that we would never keep him here against his will and want nothing more than for him to be happy. When he got his green card he wanted to make plans to visit the UK for a holiday but his thinking has now changed to the degree where he feels as though this may be the only time he visits - he feels as though his life here is so good there is nothing really to go back for.

He is now 17 and loves being here. He talks to my husband about anything and everything and we are closer than ever. Sure...he's a teenager who has his moments but when all said and done being away from me for 9 months, even with no extended family support, actually was a good thing for him - he learned so much about himself and about how much we mean to him - even about his appreciation for what we have done and are doing. I can honestly say he doesn't feel any resentment or negativity towards either myself or my husband and my parents - well....they don't know my son like I do...if I honestly thought he wouldn't come out of this well, and learn some valuable lessons which would in turn make him a better person, then maybe I wouldn't have done it. But he has - he has matured so much - it's been a really good thing for him.

Bottom line - Shari - you know your kids. Don't let anyone else embitter them. If you have a close relationship with your kids, they will always underestand why you made certain decisions and will never resent you for it. It will help them to know themselves and grow into mature adults. Never live your life to please someone else. BY all means take them into accunt, but remember - you have a life too. You have a husband who loves you and is willing to work wherever he has the opportunity. That in itself is worth so much, not just to you, but to your kids also, who want nothing more than to see their mum properly cared for, properly loved.

I hope everything works out well for you all.

Perfect and Fetaria: Thank you so much for the support. This is such a good thread. When the thread first posted (in March), I read it then but never really re-read it much after that. It was not until Keith and I started talking that he needed to look outside of Birmingham for a job since he couldn't find anything here. I was very worried and knew my daughter would want to stay. I looked back through the forums until I found this thread and re-read it. It has really, really helped. I check it every day now. Everyone on here has helped and I truly get support in this thread when I am down about the subject and the responses take away some of the guilt. Thank you all again for the never-ending support.

Ok all you mothers. I need some MORE advice. You know my 14-year-old daughter is the one that lives with us and I was so concerned about her not wanting to move with us and worried about leaving her the most, but her twin brother is more upset than she is and I need to figure out what to say as nothing I am saying is working. Michael has always been a much more sensitive boy. He had been a momma's boy for the first 8-10 years of his life, and I thought had grown out of it a little. Again, when his sister decided to live with us full-time in October, he decided (with the persuasion of his father no doubt) that he would live with his dad full-time. We only lived approximatley 1-1/2 miles apart, so I still saw him often. Anyhow, Michael is the kind that doesn't have very many friends, is big for his age (tall and somewhat overweight), but a cute boy (if I do say so myself). He has never gotten into sports because he has always been somewhat clumsy, awkward, and his weight slows him down. Beleive me, we have tried other avenues with him to make more friends, do more things, etc. For the most part he is bored all the time.

To get back to the point, for the past 3-4 days when he has talked to me on the phone he has cried and said things like I shouldn't leave my kids; he and his sister are only 14; it's not right; why are you leaving us; you can't leave us; etc. He was over Sunday night and then also last night. We talked in his room for a long time and all these questions and statements came up again. I know that logically explaining to him we our out of money and this is a once in a lifetime job opportunity for Keith goes in one ear and out the other. I know this. I don't expect anything else. He is worried he won't see me much. I have told him that I would try to drive up one weekend a month and stay with my mom; that they can come down anytime they want for school breaks and all; that I want them; that if they ever decide they want to move with us they are welcome (which he gave me a definite NO about moving); but he says that right now he can come and see me whenever he wants and he doesn't want to not have that.

Again, I know this thread was for the mothers who have left their children a lot farther away that I am, and do not get to see them nearly the amount I will be able to see mine, but my children's feelings and emotions are the same as your kids at this moment in time. I have no answers for him that will ease his pain. We cried together and I think he knows how hard it will be on me too, but what kind of answer can I come back with to "you can't leave us, it's not right to leave your kids"?