Guide to prepping you fiancé (e) for life in the U.S.

I have put together a quick “What-To” or “How-To” on helping your fiancé (e) adjust to life here.

Pre-U.S. arrival:

1) Try and break out of the Love haze before she/he comes here and explain to her/him how life is.
a. Explain to her/him how boring it may be here compared to her country.
b. Explain to her/him how insecurity might be a factor for a bit.
c. Explain to her/him that the movies they watch (in their country) about America are not really how it is here.

d. Explain to her/him that you have to work just as hard here as you do in their country….sometimes even harder.

e. Voice your sympathy about how she/he will be leaving her family behind to be with you.
f. Explain to them that their English skills will get better within a year.
g. Learn her/his culture to the best you can….and never stops learning about it. Learning their culture will provide very helpful insight to how they may, or may not react to something.

h. Explain your financial situation.
i. Explain your lifestyle.
j. Explain your own personal annoying habits. Be critical about yourself…that way there are no surprises when it arises.

k. MOST IMPORTANT: DO ALL OF THE ABOVE OFTEN. Don’t do it to the point to where it gets annoying…but weave it within your conversations.

Post-U.S. arrival:

1) Articulate the first few months being together with moderation.
a. Don’t show them or buy them everything you can because you both are excited to see each other, so you go to every restaurant…buy them everything they want…etc. Splurging everything and anything. When you do this, you condition them to think “This is how it is going to be”. When you stop with the honeymoon effect…be prepared for the “We use to be so happy”, or something to that effect.

b. Be careful about being overly nice. Don’t put up with crap your normally don’t put up with just because the “NEW” feeling is there.

c. Help them feel that the house/belongings belong to them as well. This gives them a sense of ownership, pride, responsibility and helps them feel good.

d. Give them a life-line back home. Routinely ask her/him if they want to contact home via (email, phone, whatever). Let them know that they can contact home ANYTIME. Simply assuming they know this is not enough…TELL THEM.

e. MOST IMPORTANT: BE YOUR TRUE SELF!!!

These are by no means every scenario that could occur. I put this quick guide together to help those that may have personal questions about “Adjusting to life in the US” for their significant other. If you have anything to add, please feel free to let me know. If you have smart-arse remarks, or condescending remarks…keep them to yourself.

Thank you for your time,
Lurker

Interesting list. It made me wonder if there are different things we do if the non USC fiance is male or female.

Amen, Brother! This is a harsh reality in this whole process. Being together is one thing. Having your SO start to build a life for him/herself is completely another. This part of the immigration process is almost as hard as the waiting for them to get here in the first place!

Joel

Very good advice! It's all about open honest loving and real conversation. Communication is a huge key to success in every relationship IMO... Thanks for sharing! Cheers!!! - Sheriff Uling

Interesting.

We had the unique privilege of having my fiance live here for 3 months this summer - that's a big help on what to expect.

Great post Lurker!!! I have thought about many of these things myself but never thought of posting them. Thqnks for your insight. Your statement about learning the culture is so true and important. I would say make some friends here on VJ or in your communtiy that may be from the same country as your SO and that may help. The thought of not speaking the language, leaving your family, and the uncertainty is scary to think about. I can only imagine the fear our loved ones will feel. Great advice, thanks for sharing. Loved your comments about the negative thinkers. Good luck everyone.

Very Good, a little much, but still very good


My main concern was Driving and getting her driver's license ASAP!

My wife had both the California DMV Vietnamese and English Driving books before arriving

Practice parking, driving a company auto near the HCMC airport ( open area ) with a professional driver.

Practice multi-choice tests on the Virginia DMV web sites in VN

Learned signs, dash board controls, etc.

Then,

After she arrived, we practiced in the community college parking lot

And she also took a couple of lessons with a professional driving teacher.

Yes, it's a little much but it's paid off so far thankfully

What do you do if your wife came from a country that is far more advance society than US in so many ways?
What do you do if your wife came from a country where Crime rates are so low?
What do you do if your wife asked why Americans only work 8hrs/day and demand so much benefit where productivity isn't there?
What do you do if your wife told you "I thought the city would be cleaner"
What do you do if your wife asked you "Health Insurance should be free for all citizens like she used to"
What do you do if your wife doesn't care much about shopping as expected of some women?
What do you do if your wife wants to cook and eat at home when you're used to eat out?

This list is a nice reminder for all who haven't thought of telling their love ones how life is gonna be here. But when she/he comes here, rules or no rules, you will need to rewrite you "laws and orders" since she/he will have a lot to say in what and how your life and hers will be. Personally, I explained to Kim that life will be BEAUTIFUL and HAPPY wherever we are together. Some people think the reason why some people marry us (the americans) because life here in America is better than where they are. Life is tough anywhere you are, just a different kind of problems. Be matured in an adult relationship is the key here. Both you and your lover must be absolutely believe this MOVE will 100% life changing for better for worse, for both. And that you two are willing to give up your comfort and security to build new ones together here in the US or wherever you may be.

I remember someone recommended a book on the former VJ forum. I can't remember the title of the book but I remember the poster saying that it was a must read for those who would be moving to the US. Anyone recall the title of that book?

Sylvia

Living in The USA

chuckandkim,

Can you translate that to tieng viet for my honey?

Cam on anh rat nhieu

I actually read through the book myself.... based my conversation with Kim on this book, we spoke through a lot of issues the book has raised.

You may want to read it yourself, things we take for granted may become a big deal with our wife/husband. For example:
- Trash day is EVERYDAY in Saigon. Monday here in the burb.
- Having a maid is NORMAL in Saigon. It's expensive here.
- HONKING is the only way to drive/ride in Saigon. It's RUDE here.
- ATM and Banking without Passbook is so strange! Kim used to live and study in Japan, Passbook/Bankbook is still hot over there
- Your signature is all you need to buy a car, house, big ticket item. No need for the "RED SEAL" from the government

You get the theme!

You sold me..I will buy it.

Here is a great book if your fiancee is from a Russian speaking country. It's over 1,000 pages and it written in English AND Russian and goes over everything anyone would need to know to survive here. From credit cards, to weddings, to getting a college degree

It was written by two Russians that moved here many years ago and how to view America thru their eyes - and not an Americans.

Welcome to America: The Complete Guide for Immigrants. (Hardcover)
by Vitaliy Demin, Olga Demin-Lambert

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Chuck,

In Vietnam, slowly walk across the street, traffic will go around you.
America, look both ways and then run!

America, do NOT stick your fingers down the kitchen drain.
Vietnam, no disposals

Vietnam, oh, sorry, i'm late and then smile and joke "Xin Loi"
America, Don't be late!

Many many more

Lurker,

this is very, very wise. My husband should have read this guide before I came here. I didn't expect miracles here but I didn't expect it would be this bad for me to get used to things here.

I have been here almost a year and a half and still struggling.

Peace

Ana

I am a straight talker....and prefer not to keep the wool over peoples eyes. I also sympathize with other pretty well, so I figured I would put myself in the shoes of those coming here.

REMEMBER: Even if the perception is wrong, it is still rule.

Ann,

You said,
"I have been here almost a year and a half and still struggling."


In General,
What are you struggling with? (as it relates to living in America vs Poland)

Just Curious, Hang in there........

May I know what you are struggling with? I am also struggling with adjusting to my life here. Mainly due to unemployment though and being a homemaker.

Good luck.

Sincerely,
Miwa's wife

I think the key is being open to the new culture, and I mean that for both the USC and the spouse/fiancée from another country. There's got to be some flexibility and room for adjustment. If either one wants to have the same life as they had before and impose that on the other, it will be very hard to adapt.

You hit the nail on the head with this. Very good comments

Hi All,

Patricks and Miwa's wife I am struggling with boredom and issues related to every day life.

First of all, I don't have one single friend here and one may think it's my fault, but I had previously moved many, many times and never had problems making friends. I have lots of friends in Poland and none here. I had a better quality life there, countless job opportunities. Here it took me three months to get a job that has very good benefits and is boring as hell and I can't even think about changing it first, because foreigners are not welcome here as employees (and don't worry, nobody will tell you this straight up, but it's true) and second because there aren't many job opportunities in the area.

I don't even want to get started on health insurance and credit history because it's too much typing

I think I easily get used to new places and situations but for some reason it's not the case here. I hate it where we live and moving is not an option for my husband. I love him but it makes me sick when I think that I might spend the rest of my life here.

I wish my husband had told me that job market sucks and money sucks even more (cost of living is much lower in Poland and I make the same money I made there years ago). I knew the town was small, but had no idea it is so boring.

I am stuck

Ana

I just think this one should be the first thing you do wheny ou first met anybody Coz if u just turn to your true self aafter the fiance/e arroved int he US then that would be a shock isnt it But I know what u mean though







I hear you!!!!!!! I mean I'm not in that small of a city (very diverse here in Durham, NC) but still job opportunity is not that much around here... and I dont have many friends (friends are hard to find!!!) I'm usually dont have a problem finding friends but I dont know why it's so difficult here!! Thank fully i have a few freinds who i can talk to here eventhough not so close as able to visit afterworrk and so on...
My credit score is good now thugh... got major credit card all by myself in 3 months after moved here YEY!

The only problem for me is employment (money money moeny!!!) and food.. I miss my food soooooo bad.. and I miss shopping in Bangkok soooo bad (cant really find my size there though.. but still a lot cheaper!!! ) I miss just getting out of the house and food is right there for me to choose... I could think of anything to eat here but ti didnt prevent me from gaining weight though



I think the other thing to tell your SO from the country in SE asia is about food....... no street food - and depends on where you live if you would have access to asian market from her/his country I MISS MY FOOD

I always thought being someone else is too tiring that is why we (men) got married to you women. and the same for you girls... That's why there are so many big girls and big boys out there who just not keeping their body in shape after marriage, do not keep their sex drive in check either, things just keep declining. Because they are now being their true-self: lazy!

I myself am guilty of that... but i'm working on it... I used to hit the gym 5 days a weeks for 2 hours... now, I walk from home the supermarket once a month and call it "workout" HAHAHAHA I'm not fat but I'm not in the best shape I did have before.... Wife does complain about it! But I'm working on it, honey! HAHAHA

lol Bram know i'm lazy to work out since he met me I also know he's not the gym type too.. we are both enjoy eating but we are not over weight.. Bram work allows him to walk a lot and be very active and now that he also renovating some houses (does all the labour thing himslef too) he has a better shape than me

I just hate gym... it's so boring.. took some pilate class but the gym is far.. so i took my dog for a walk instead.. she also needs some diet and exercise but now that it get dark so early.. i have the excuse not to walk!! and my job is to sit in front of computer all day.. doesnt help either.. i need to be more active!!!!!!!

For Anya-D,

I agree with you:

I lived in T-land a couple of months and adjusting to Thai food on the street or an economical restaurant, no problem for a foreigner. Not the same for you living in America (make you "Ting Tong") crazy.....

Fortunately, my Vietnamese wife has many VNs and Korean Markets in Northern Virginia to shop for fresh Asian seafood, fruit and spices. Actually, I eat homemade asian food almost every night becuase my wife doesn't like most American dishes (food).
Having those shops and the VNs influence has made my wife's transisition to America much easier....I'm very very lucky!
Mai Pen Rai Kop.......no problem

For Anastassia,

What area do you live in?, ie Northern Virginia (direction and state)

I assume you have a driver's license and car to be independent? (makes a big difference)

Yes, the lower and middle class suffer in America; it's not easy. Plus, a lot of places aren't culturally rich for foreigners, you really got to live in or near a big city.

Good luck,

Patricks

Patricks,

I live in Virginia. I have been driving here from day one but it doesn't change much. The only place I can go is shopping - I know it all and quite boring after a while. Local restaurants are a waste of money in my opinion. When I went to the restaurant in Poland it was an event to remember (not that I went so rarely, just the restaurants were fantastic and worth the money), here all the restaurants offer the same food.

I wanted to join a school of dance, class for adults that I wanted starts at 3pm. I guess it's only for non working adults.

Ana

ohhh soo true!!!!



Patrick..

Has your wife ever runs out of ideas for FOOD? that's my problem.. there's not many thing i can think of here... not complete set of ingredient too.. so I can do just handful of stuff.. I LOVE to cook but i just dont have a lot of ideas for the menu I try looking ont he internet and there's a lot of ideas on how to cook easy Thai food (that i havnt try) coz i'm so bored with the "can" curry (red, green, yellow and others) and to get all the ingredient i want would be a 1 hr drive - i might do that once a month...

FOOD is the major factor

"H-Mart", a Korean Supermarket has everything! It's like being in Asia.

No, actually she doesn't run out of ideas:

Lots of different types of soups (Pho, Bun Bo Hue, Bun Riel, Hu Tieu, etc)
Fish dishes
Rice, Meat/seafood & veggies
Curry
many types of salads


No cheesy dishes, not much bread or heavy food.
Only Spagetti and meat sauce now and then

Patrick

For those who wants to find Thai food ingredients, you can get it from this website

http://importfood.com/

I miss Malaysia's food too... It's available 24/7. The Malaysian restaurants here are not only expensive but does not offer the diverse range of food available in Malaysia right outside your door!

AMEN brother... H-Mart rocks... they just open up one right up the street from our development... The wife is very pleased... Their Japanese foods section is second to none. Kim found almost everything she used to have when she lived in Japan there.... And, of course, H-Mart does carry a strong variety vietnamese foods, vegetable and spices... all different cuts of PORK, BEEF and chicken. 25lbs bag of jasmin rice, Three-Crabs Fish sause... that's all it takes to make her happy

Cheese Steak - once in a blue moon
Ruth's Chris - favorite
Denny's - saturday morning, but prefer local diner where they serve "homefries" with two egss, sunny sideup
Vinny T's - Italian hot sausage on pasta
Nifty-Fifty - fresh hamburger and cheese fries with watermellon bubblegum milkshake
Dim-sum in Chinatown
Korean BBQ
Japanese Sashimi and Udon soup: never had enough
COSTCO - this is the reason why we both are getting "BIGGER"

hahahaha

We are blessed with at least 6 different vietnamese/chinese supermarket in and around Philadelphia. South Philly has 3 supersize shopping centers where you can purchase EVERYTHING from Vietnam/China/Thai/Singapore/Malaysia/Indonasian/Korea/Japan to name a fews.... Prices are pretty competitive. BUT again, let me clear this up, it is NOTHING compared to Houston and SoCal, or Eden shopping center in Virginia.

You will learn quickly that something that is so ordinary to us will be extraordinary to her. Drinking coffee in your car to work is new, when she may be used to see men sitting in coffee shop in the morning having their coffee before heading to work. Big difference! Anyway... just have to break them in one day at the time. Key is: do not assume anything about her, ask first. She may know or may not, but do not assume she does or doesn't. Ask = Communicate = GREAT for both of you...

I can't stop talking about my experience with Kim, in her first 8 months here. Now she's been working since the beginning of Feb 2006, she can't keep complaining why our weekend is so short and she needs sleep all the times hahahahaha as opposed to back then "i'm so sick and tire of sleeping, I am so not sleeping tonight" hahahaha

Ok, someone hops on and take control of the MIC please... i'm out

I'm so envy those of you who live near the "big" asain market my freind in NYC always said that i'd be very happy there coz it's just like Thailand.. the food is also just like Thailand... hmm...

well.. for me the ingredient is not a big factor (i have a greenhouse full with Thai basal (Kra-praw) and Kha (galangal) and Kiffer lime tree (ma-krood) and a small lemon grass which never seems to grow!!! ) but only the "Ideas" is the problem But i found a website for Thai food by Thai's who lives abored so they mix and changes things to make Thai dishes easier and it's soooooooo gooood.. i tried several and I just love it!! (it's in Thai though )




chuckandkim


you are rigth about "ask first" dont assume that every people from asain doesnt know anything.. I'm sure travel extensively (for work too) and eventhough I learn so many different cuture and know alot about differences - I still dont know (or dont understand) something.... (like in Germany there's no "take home or doggy bag after eating in the restuarant..I almost cry coz we went to this nice restaurant and my friend(American) got sick and my other friend (who's the only German there) said we cant take the food home (we didnt even thouch it!) but he did ask the waiter for us anyway.. the waiter look at us weird but he saw us (obviously not German) then he just said he'll see what he can do ) But here in America.. u are asked by the waiter if u'd take the food home.....lol how's that for a cultur shock!

my biggest "still dont understand how it works" is "TIPING"

do i need to tip a taxi? food court? buffet?delivery guy? how much is enough... well.. I get some ideas.. normally i'd tip about 20% but some place that they didnt do anything for you I dont really know how much.. some place like the restuarant we went (in a hotel.. very dressy kinda thing) eventhough it's a buffet we still have to tip 20% but at china buffet - only $3 for 2 people (and $1 each for a sushi guy) - I can tip right at the restuarant that i'm used to but some place new.. alwasy gets me.. some time Bram have to tell me I tip too much or too little... oh.. and at a bar that i have to tip $1 for each drink... I'll get it soon enough.. But i can see how it'd be confusing for the people who just arrive here

Tipping is a big change for Kim. In Vietnam, you tip like 1% for a huge dinner or at a restaurant. In Japan, you don't tip at all.

BTW, 20% is my standard for tipping, face it, you would try but most of us Americans can't do 15% if our life depends on it. HAHAHAHA

You tip Taxi cab driver.
You tip chinese buffet server: $1 for each soda drink you order
You tip the guy open your door when you enter a fancy hotel (Doorman) once a day!

Tip should reflex the level of quality of service you receive from the individual. NEVER forget to leave tip, even when the service was BAD, leave a PENNY for tip. That shows you did not appreciate the level of service you were receiving from the individual and he deserves that much of gratuity. Can't complain you didn't tip him, I doubt it if he asks!

Good luck tipping!

In general the topic is if your spouse has never been to the US?

I have been here and lived here, and still I miss my food! Fortunately I can order it from several vendors throughout the US, but it's expensive (German stuff is somehow a delicacy).

The friend issue is that you have to go out and meet new people - if you don't have a job, go to church, volunteer somewhere, look up if there are cultural meetings somewhere... I met several people now and we are in the get-to-know phase. It is a little bit odd because people are older than me (35 plus), but we share the same heritage and I usually feel more confortable around older people, so no problem with me. That is my experience.

And as somebody pointed out earlier, some of us come from countries where there is less crime and better access to health care, so for me it was hard to understand some things here in the beginning (omg shootings every day!!!!!).

Of course situations differ from couple to couple, I guess everybody will find his/her way!

umm.. where did you get the German white sausage? I MISS THEM!!!!

Anya-D

Tonight, I ate at a restaurant called "Thaiphoon" in DC near Dupont Circle

A-loy (delicious)

However, just not the same as the REAL T-land

Anya-D,

http://www.stiglmeier.com/ here we go! You are looking for Bavarian Weisswurst (white sausage).

Or go to the Waldhorn restaurant in Pineville (waldhorn.us), they might have them too.

Bon appetit!

you are trying to make me jealous?

Yea.. we had good Thai restuarant here too but sometimes they are soooo expensive.. but i know the cook so i just tell them - Thai for Thai please!!! I actually like to cook it myself but well.. sometimes i get lazy




YEY THANKS!!! I love those sausage!!!!!! and when i brought it back to Thailand my friends loved it too

ahh.. i love germany (i was there for about 2-3 months.. i love everything about it exept no english but the teenager can speak english though so i just targeted them to ask question instead of the older people )

Anya most people speak English, but the older people just don't want to embarass themselves because they fear they could make a mistake Just buy'm a beer and things go well *lol*

ahh.. may be it just where i was.. a little town near Frankfurt.. people I met do speak English but alot of them just shake their head and walk away