I hope I put enough options. So what do you guys think?

Hicham and I have a joint account and we are very lucky to be financially stable newlyweds. Hicham's family in no way expects him to send money home and he never has. His family told him if he needs money they will send it to him.

This can apply for those who are still not with their SO's too. I wonder if a lot of people send money to their SO's while they are away? What for?

I don't send anything and even if I wanted too, he wouldn't let me. Contol freak.

We have had a couple of arguements about this. She wants to send money home to her parents. She feels it is her 'duty'. I'm a 'traditional' American. Put the old folks in a home and wait for them to kick off! :-)

In all seriousness I would be okay with it if we HAD money to send to her parents. At the moment $100.00 per month goes a LONG way in Ukraine. However, we are newlyweds and have a house payment, a car payment, insurance, and all kinds of other bills that she has never had to worry about before.

Joel

we have a joint checking account it's really his but he put my name on it also. I have a checking and saving account of my own.

His mother doesn't expect us to send money but we do anyways just in case she needs something or if something in the house needs to be maintained she can just go ahead and get it fixed.

Ok i better go catch up on Days of Our Lives

good night

We have a joint account and Don't send money to Australia but of course it's a different situation than ya'lls.

Actually his parents give US money - so we're weird I guess

We can't really send money now. Actually, Wadi's brother has been helping us out a bit lately. But I hope that we can help out more soon! I don't think they *expect* money, but I don't see them turning down assitance when we want to help and are able to do so.

Wadi and I have our own accounts and he gives me money for bills and stuff. I'm the one who actually writes the checks and whatnot.

#1 Joint account but Mohammed also has a separate account with a different bank. He is establishing credit to secure a business loan in the future. I am a shopper and he is a saver. He works long and hard for his money and I know he enjoys seeing his balance. I am well taken care of. He buys all the groceries, pays 1/2 the rent and pays his own car payment and car insurance. I pay the utilities and my car payment. I shop with my extra money and he saves his in the bank. He totally feels like the man and I also like it this way. You just have to see what works for you. I just know with us, when he started working, he wanted to see the 'fruits of his labor'.

#2
damn I forgot #2 & 3 Not enough caffeine in my system! Mohammed has sent money home a few times, maybe 3 or 4 during his 2 years here. Like at Eid or if a brother is marrying, he will send $500. They don't expect it.

Jackie

I didn't vote since we are not together yet, but our answers probably will be



I will keep my own account (direct deposit for my salary)

We will open a joint account with his money (and I will add to it as needed from my account) for everyday living things.

We will send money home monthly (giving his mother a debit card to the account). He is the only son and I do not think they expect money, but we both feel better knowing he can still contribute to the household (esp with his father retiring next year).



Regarding Sarah's questions about sending the SO money- I did open a second checking account with a small amount of money. I could not add his name to the account without a SSN, but will do so when he arrives. I sent one of the debit cards from this account to my SO already. He only used it once at my request to take out a little money for a gift to his mother on Eid and because they are moving into a new home. He will leave the card with her when he comes here.



This is when Islamic law is good...my money is my money and his money is our money

Since Mohamed isn't here yet I had to put..does not apply. We have talked about bank accounts and stuff and have agreed to have separate accounts. We're still unsure if we'll have a joint account for the household or if I'll just use my account for the household and he'll just give me money to put in it. His family does not expect us to send them money but I'm sure we will occasionally. I don't have a problem with this at all. He is the only son and of course is responsible for his parents and sisters. Esp. his unmarried sisters still living at home. I do not send him any money nor would he allow me to if I wanted or could do so. He works and can support himself so why does he need my money?

We both have our own checking accounts, but we also have a joint account. We both have our own expenses, but when we have something that we do together, like rent, we put money in the joint account and we both sign the check we are handing out. The only time I know about him sending money home was when his father was in the hospital and they didn't have enough to get him out, so Adil wired some money to cover the expenses. He tries to send money to his family ever since his father passed, but his mother keeps telling him not to send it because they are fine, and she wants us to save our money so we can be well off. His family doesn't expect him to send money at all.

i have no idea what we'll do. That was an issue in my first marriage so I guess we should talk about it. Thing is that he really has no idea what it takes to live here financially and seems to think that once he arrives the golden doors will open and opportunity will just yell out his name.

He wants to support me but I want to live in the manner to which I"ve become accustomed. I don't think those two will match up so I dunno what we'll do. I"m fine with him just giving me what he can for the first few years until he gets established but he's not. I think I'm waiting for him to come and see exactly what the situation is here before I get into that argument since it will be like a useless conversation until that point.

I have not sent money though I've tried but he won't let me. Pride. Isn't that one of the 7 deadly sins?

link

I think gluttony and sloth totally got a raw deal.

That is what I thought too. I have wondered about the pride mentality. Anyone else have these same thoughts?

lets see. we live off of my checks and bank all of his in our joint account. i make more so its easier to pay all the bills and have some spending money left.

we send money for child support and our house we have there. but for supporting his family no. they are all working and living comfortably so no need for money from us.

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

tankless water heater?

Wow! I didn't expect to see so many people with a joint account and then each having an account of their own. I can't even stand dealing with 1 checking account, I can't imagine 3!!!

I think we are just going to have 1 checking account and 1 savings account, I will most likely just add him on to my accounts since I have had them for so long and I'm not allowed to switch banks anyway. I have never really done that whole allowance thing, even for myself. I find that I spend less money that way. If I take a $200 allowance, I will find a way to spend it in one day. Cash always seems to burn a hole in my pocket.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

I don't know about the rest of the ME/NA but many Egyptian men tell each other fairy tales about the US and how they'll be ultra successful in no time. Also when they see American TV and movies many tend to think this is the norm. Maybe that's why they expect so much.

I know for my inlaws they never expected me to bring them anything. I don't think they'd expect anything from my husband either. When I visited I asked if they wanted or needed anything and they always responded..just you, just bring yourself. Of course I brought them stuff but it was small stuff like chocolates and body lotion (I only have SILs). They were thrilled with the chocolates!

I hope that you do talk to your fiance about what he should expect here. I think a lot of men have ideas about the US and working and that it's the land of opportunity and that they will make tons of money and get a job in a day etc. I don't understand how he thinks he can support you (and your kids?) from the moment he gets here? Does he know how much everything costs here? I don't know but for me I talked to Hicham a lot about what to expect here before he came and I think that helped bring him down to earth a lot. Do you really want to have an argument with him about money when he gets here?

I personally can't imagine marrying someone without having talked about money and several other things before hand and making sure that we have the same goals and morals and ideas. I would hate to see you have problems with your husband about things that should be said before marriage. Yes I am young and no I have not been married before I married Hicham but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. I think I am a pretty responsible person and I really like to think things over logically before making a huge decision such as marriage. I don't think solely with my heart.

I will say that I can't really relate to you however because I simply could not make plans to marry a man I have not met yet. Maybe it is for religious reasons- I don't know but whatever it is I hope you talk about things that really could cause problems in a marriage. I know you said it was a problem in your first marriage so wouldn't you make sure you're on the same page with your new husband this time? I hope you have a great time in Egypt and that your fiance knows what to expect if he wants to come here.

Good luck!

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

When I got my gifts for my Jordan trip, Marshalls, Ross were my best friends. So was the clearance rack. I was getting really nice expensive items for a fraction of the cost. I would say my gifts were totally on the generous side compared to what people there were used to getting. I can understand the amount of gifts is usually high, but there are ways to save money. I started planning my trip six months before and thats when I started buying the gifts. When I saw something nice for a good price, I would buy it and put it away. By the time I went I had a ton of stuff!

i'm wondering if maybe his family is too hard on him and has unrealistic expectations of him

Sarah is right. I'm sure doodle has talked to her fiance about living here but many men just don't want to believe it. I know of one couple (she is from MI and he is from Egypt) who split up because he just couldn't deal when he got here. He got depressed about not finding work right away. They were constantly at odds with each other because of his inability to adapt and be patient. They lived together in Egypt for a year before they came here together. They've been back from Egypt for only 4 months and he already left. It wasn't that he was using her or anything. He had unrealistic expectations and no patience.

IMO, it's a slow process to get the family to understand how things really are financially in the USA. If they already understand, consider yourself lucky, I think. Wadi's family is beginning to understand. There are a lot of things that I took for granted that need to be explained, particularly credit cards and student loans!

He will definitely be expected to bring gifts when we return for a visit. I think maybe it's the gesture more than anything. We'll definitely be doing discount shopping for that!

THat could be the case also Charles... which is too bad. I can't imagine not being able to go home because I couldn't afford presents. If that was the case I would never see my family!

Charles you gould be right. Either way, I feel bad for him.

I feel really bad for him too.

They do this in Morocco too. My fiance wants to begin supporting me and my children as soon as he gets here too. He wants me to put my salary into savings. I've had to explain to him that I have a somewhat significant salary and he will have to start working at a much, much lower wage when he gets here. He's having a hard time dealing with the fact that for a little while, he will be staying at home while I go to work. He says, I'm not going to stand with my arms folded and sit at home and wait for you to bring home money to support me and watch you go to work everyday. I said wellllllllllllll, until you are legal to work, you will!

I know that this would be hard for most men, but is it me, or do Arab men take pride to a whole new level?

They take it to a whole new level. At least the good ones do. The sorry ones are happy to sit on their behinds while their wife or fiancee works her tail off.

I didn't have to work during my previous marriage because of this pride. It was nice to be able to stay home with the kiddos. Now that I've been working again nearly two years I think I'd miss it if I had to stay home again.

In the ME/NA, pride is what seperates men and boys.

I would be pissed if Hicham showed up and made no effort to work and just sat around all day. If he came here and decided he was above restaurant work or that he just didn't want to work I would be really dissapointed. Luckily he got a job within 2 weeks of being here. HE works 50 hours a week and I am really proud of him.

Within 2 weeks?! Ok, I need to do some more reading about work permits. Can he get a work permit when he comes through POE or is it something we have to file for once he is here? I was under the impression that it would take several weeks to get a work permit. If he can start working once he gets here then we both will be VERY happy!

He got temp EAD at JFK and we filed for SS card right after he got here. He had the job secured and only needed the SS card to get going!

My entire extended family are immigrants. We have some really successful people in my family all of which came here with nothing. I remember not to long ago, my fiances cousin was visiting him from the US. They sat down and started talking about life in the US. His cousin came here with nothing and now has a very successful business and doesnt even work. He told my fiance "Someone that wants to work will work, and if you want to make money you will". I see alot of that from some of the stories I have heard in our forum.

The most important thing with a ME/NA man is independance. Let them feel independant and they will take their success to a whole other level. Everyone has to start somewhere but it is those that have the drive and ambition that will turn it into something else.

I just read the Visa FAQ about work permits. It says if he gets the 90 day work permit at POE, then once we are married, we will have to file for another work permit and that will leave a gap where he won't be legal to work. They suggest to avoid that, to not get the EAD at POE, get married right away, and file for the work permit immediately after. Sarah or others that have already experienced this, what is your experience with this?

Right...

Hicham got temp EAD at JFK. IT is the only airport offering it now a days. He had authorization to work for 90 days. We got married about 3 weeks after he got here. His temp work authorization ran out of Oct. 31st. We filed for work authorization and Adjustment of status in the end of Sept. Hicham can't work until he gets his work authorization approved which will hopefully be in the next few weeks. The sooner you file AOS and EAD the smaller the gap will be.

I would reccoment reading the guides and getting familiar with AOS before your fiance comes. GOod luck.

Well it's not like we haven't talked at all. At first he told me he wanted me to stay home and not work. It took me about three weeks to convince him that because of my expenses that would not be possible at first. He now knows internally that it will take a few years before he can be the only breadwinner but he's not thrilled about it and still has in the very far back of his mind that he'll find the magic combo over here and be able to do it. He nearly fainted when I gave him the total of my monthy expense! That's when he was like, "oh....then you need to work for a few years".

I just don't want to get into the other specifics with him yet over the net. I think him being here will be easier to explain because he'll see it for real. Of course we've gone over the basics though aside from money including children, parenting styles, expectations of each other as a husband/wife, expectations of how we'll treat our families, etc. I wouldn't even consider getting into something so serious without talking about such things at length.

Anyways the money issues I had with my ex were different. He was a jerk. The day after we came home from our honeymoon he quit his job and announced that he was starting his own business. It went downhill from there. I got very little if at all money from him in the five years we were married so it was me doing all the work with the kids and at work and supporting us financially. I kept bugging him after year 2 because I know that if you make a loss three years in a row the IRS considers your company a hobby and not a real business. Anyhoo he was hiding money from me and spending well over $100k/year on his drag race car. Still does, but because he cheats on his taxes I don't get nearly what I should in child support. I don't really need it but still it's the principle.

As for marrying someone I haven't met physically...that's a whole nuther thread that I'm sure would get locked. I was friends with my ex 5 years before we started dating, dated for 2 years, 1 of which we lived together and the marriage fizzled out after 5 because he was a jekl and hyde.

I just don't know how someone doesn't want to talk about specifics however you can accept a marriage proposal over the internet and make plans to marry without even having spet one day together. I guess I just don't get that.

Doodle, it may be worth the time just to open the subject with him. That way if it causes any kind of fight/arguement, at least it won't be during your visit.

The specifics are the following, which I'm sure most engaged couples have never talked about:

1) interest bearing account or no?
2) joint or separate accounts? Currently he has NO bank account so I'd have to explain how a checking and savings account works and work from there...much easier to do in person and I surely don't think it'll be a deal breaker. He now keeps his money in a pillow and just uses cash. When he is here and sees how everyone uses a debit card at the market I think he'll get the point. Hard to explain this via the webcam/phone.
3) Taxes. He has no idea how much taxes and what kind get taken out of his paycheck every week when he works in the US. I'd rather show him my stub and explain it side-by-side.
4) Cost of food - he keeps saying that cooking from scratch is better for you. I think once he sees our schedules with work/kids, etc. he will embrace Betty Crocker's cake mixes, canned tomatoes, canned tomato sauce, etc. Of course I'm not thinking tv dinners each night but when and if I can cut corners I most definitely do.

These are the things that I am talking about and I really feel that it would be a waste of my time to try to explain it to him via the web.

Like I said, a thread purely regarding internet relationships would probably get huge and just locked because there are so very many people here who have done it and I just know feelings would get in the way. It will have been about 9 months that we have talked each day just about for 2 to 3 hours a day via the webcam before I go there. Is it enough? I will soon find out. I don't think I would have to start from scratch once I get there. The things that are missing are obviously physical, such as his mannerisms, his emotions when around many people with me, etc. We've talked about this but it's still not the same in person, I give you that. If, when I get there, I get a total vibe of "heeeeeeeeeelll no", then obviously I won't do it, but I really don't think that will happen.

It's so funny how different personalities are. My fiance asks me so many questions that I lose it sometimes. We have discussed everything under the sun and yet he still finds questions to ask me. Everything you have said, we have discussed and then some. Maybe we talked online more than others? We used to talk for hours everyday, so I guessed thats why we covered so much ground. There was nothing to do but talk.

You two talk about tax deductions together??? I'm a CPA and I don't even wanna talk about that stuff when I'm off duty!!!! lol

Well yes we have, he is so curious it drives me nuts sometimes. I can't say I have enjoyed talking about it, but it would have driven me crazy to discuss it during my vacation. He actually has a good understanding now of our tax system, banking system, loans & interest, etc. Maybe your career is why you don't want to talk about it, lol.

[quote name='jordanianprincess' post='557460' date='Nov 9 2006, 01:05 PM']
[quote name='doodlebug' post='557448' date='Nov 9 2006, 04:01 PM']

It's so funny how different personalities are. My fiance asks me so many questions that I lose it sometimes. We have discussed everything under the sun and yet he still finds questions to ask me. Everything you have said, we have discussed and then some. Maybe we talked online more than others? We used to talk for hours everyday, so I guessed thats why we covered so much ground. There was nothing to do but talk.
[/quote]


You two talk about tax deductions together??? I'm a CPA and I don't even wanna talk about that stuff when I'm off duty!!!! lol
[/quote]

probably. Not only do I not balance my ckg account...ever...but I never record my checks in a register either. I hate talking about money...period!!!! Once that whistle blows that's it.


Well yes we have, he is so curious it drives me nuts sometimes. I can't say I have enjoyed talking about it, but it would have driven me crazy to discuss it during my vacation. He actually has a good understanding now of our tax system, banking system, loans & interest, etc. Maybe your career is why you don't want to talk about it, lol.
[/quote]

This is exactly why I could never have more than one account. I plan to burden him with these tasks.

i like to talk about some points here
am from egypt, i seen people marry for USA and people marry for love
people who marry for USA, he will think that there will be magic, he dont wanna know anything, he want american slave who think he is the egyptian prince, that will pay him, and do everything for him, and he will always ask for more and more

so my advice is take care of ur steps before u involve in anything

other guys, who marry for love, he will be willing to work, any shitty job the moment he reach the airport, he will look around to know how to get work authorization, moment he come house, he will be searching for job and searching how to make u stay home without job while he is affording everything for u and taking care of all ur bills

my self i thank god, i came on JFK, find my dream job in one week and getting paid well, but things isnt stable yet, and i pray God he help me to send cash to my family in egypt, which they r dont need it, but that is there right for me, they paid the whole life for me, so i have to pay it back, even if they make millions, sending dollars for them will make me feel better

Very well said.

I totally agree with you and it's nice to see this coming from a man from ME/NA. You know what you're talking about!