Ok since his interview is in 2 days I'm wondering what kinds of adjustments you gals have made since his arrival, if any. Has he adjusted or accepted anything for you? Have there been any major compromises? Dissapointments? I'm getting nervous.

I would say he has made more adjustments due to the change in the enviroment, but I have in terms of our home and how I was used to live - mostly to make this feel like his home too. So I voted for myself in the first question. It is sort of hard to gauge the changes he has made since he entered a home that was already established, but I haven't made any real requests of him (other than little things like to put down the toilet seat).

He has not expected many changes on my part and has never made me feel guilty. Most of the changes I made were on my own initiative.

ETA: As far as your questions... no major disappointments. It has been better than I anticipated. One major compromise but with retrospect, it was't as big as it seemed at the time.

Hicham has made the most adjustments by a long shot.

The biggest adjustment is being so far from his family.

He has adjusted what he eats, he now works, he can't drive yet, has to learn english... and more to come later.

For me the biggest adjustment is not seeing my family as often as I used to visit every weekend.

No turning back now....

I am really concerned about this myself, but if I am mistaken, aren't you and him from the same culture? If that is correct I am sure that will help a little. But of course you are more westernized than he will be.

But the question is adjustments within the relationship. I thought JP meant adjustments we make for each other, not the obvious adjustments to the new environment.

Ya we are both Jordanian but you are right I am more westernized. I guess its good that we share the same culture/relgion, but still I have to live with a boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. cooties.

hmm We haven't made any big adjustments within our relationship other than living together. Not yet at least!

Exacxtly what I meant.

We are still working on him putting the toilet seat down, but he's getting there.
.

OMG



You ladies really crack me up!

I have definately had to make more adjustments then him...but he is very considerate of me. Of course we need more patience with each other and time to understand each other more....in order have harmonious life together.

good post... We have both made many adjustments.... I had to learn a whole new way of explaining things coz LET ME TELL YA... American psychology doesn't work on non-Americans!!! He had to learn better English and I had to learn how to explain my feelings without causing an argument. You remember in school Health Class when they teach you to say "I feel ...... when you.....because" ??? IT DOESN'T WORK. (or at least not in my house) that has been one of the biggest obstacles thus far....getting our feelings out in a way we both understand... good luck!

amal

Well I think I have made the most changes in our relationship. I was always independent and did what I wanted when I wanted. Now I have to think about "Us" not just me. I also have an apartment to clean and clothes to wash and a husband that is set in his ways that he just wants to sleep and relax while I cook and clean. He says that as soon as I work as much as he does, then he will help around the house more. But he is at the house more than I am. Funny. Huh? Anyway, I have also had to learn to deal with people coming to my house without any warning from my husband. I hate having plans to sit and relax and having them ruined by someone coming over and staying until 1 or 2 in the morning! He's been a lot better at this since I told him to at least give me a 3 hours heads up. He actually told me two days ago that we are having company tonight. He's progressing nicely. Before he realizes, I will have total power! HAHAHAHA! No but really, things have been hard adjusting to living with each other, I don't mind that he leaves the seat up, or the lights on, or the bed unmade, but what I do mind he does it. So I guess we are good. There will always be things that are going to bother you, but you have to learn to deal with it. I learned to deal with his stubborness, he's learned to deal with my moodiness, so were even.

Oh I don't know if I answered everything. Oh yeah, he expects me to change a lot more than I will ever change. He wants me to be more like a Moroccan stay-at-home wife who will cater to his every need. I told him if he wants that to go marry a Moroccan woman. He said no and that he married me because he loves me, not anyother woman. So I told him that if he wants me to be a stay-at-home mother, then he's going to have to get a really really good job. Heck, I wouldn't mind staying at home. I guess we'll see.

ETA: Oops! I guess I got a little carried away.

I might be being nosey... since I am not from the Middle East

But aside from the fact that you SO comes from another country, which is per se the MAJOR adjustment/change that they could do. I think all couples being new to living with each other go through different things, to adjust and adapt to a life in common.

Changes should not be 'requested' or at least I wouldnt 'request' because that would sound so much as an imposition, and believe me, even the most in-love person would react to that. As far as feeling guilty, that would also be wrong... it would be manipulative and for me that's a red flag.

Dont worry about your guy coming over, as difficult as it may be to leave everything behind, this is a choice he has made, for you, and if you try your best to support him through this process, changes and adaptations will happen without either of you even noticing.

Good luck on your interview, and congratulations in starting your new life together...

Ana

Wow Janine that sounds just like my husband and I... everything from the unexpected sometimes unwelcomed guests, me doing it all while he sleeps,stubborness,wanting to be catered to and loss of indepedence....hmmm why did I get married again?

We've both had to make changes, although I would definately say that my husband made more. After all, he gave up his family and life in a desert country to move to the great frozen north.

Many of the issues we have faced have come from expectations not being met. He thought we would live like we did while I was in Cairo, and I kinda blighthly assumed that he would easily find his way here. Coming to terms with the fact that life is not a fairy tale, that there is no "happily ever after," and that we both have to conciously work to make everything stick has made all the difference in the world.

Love you sweetie

Some ME/NA men have firm ideas on what a woman should wear. Some want no dogs in the home. No pork, only halal meat. No male friends. Muslims in particular have certain ideas about cleanliness. Men from these regions may also think it should be the woman that cleaning even though it is his standard. Surely I am missing a few. I think these things should be discussed beforehand and worked out, but that doesn't always happen. These sound like horrible stereotypes but I think several women have seen one or more of these issues arise.

Wow yet again... this is what I feel I am facing here... exceptation not being met. He assumes i find my way here, which I am hardly finding. And I assume I would kinda have live as I did before...

I know Sujeet is not from NA/ME but he was is also from a country that is very different than the US culturally. So it was also an adjustment for him to come live in the US.

I'd say he definitely did the most adjusting, by leaving his homeland to come live in such a different place, for me. His life has changed dramatically since he moved here. He lived in a city with 10+ million people (New Delhi), and moved here to my town of 80,000. He used to be able to walk places and use public transport, here that is impossible unless you live in a very big city. He mostly ate Indian food every day of his life, and came here to try all new different foods. He has to drive an hour to find work in his career field. He had to learn how to drive on the right side of the road, with the steering wheel on the left side of the car. He had to learn local lingo to understand what his co-workers are saying sometimes.

I adjusted my life as well but I don't think I have as much as he had to. My adjustment was a part of making sure he felt at home here, learning how to make Indian food, having things available that remind him of his home. We already knew what cultural differences to expect in our relationship...don't let it be a surprise. Discuss everything you think of. Of course you will sometimes butt heads but there's no reason to be completely surprised if it's all been discussed honestly ahead of time. Be sensitive to what he will be confused about and try to prepare him ahead of time.

But overall he has adjusted wonderfully here. He misses India for certain reasons(food, family), but he truly feels like this is his home now. He has succeeded in his career here, has a wonderful job, and is doing really well.

I think we discussed these things so much before he arrived here, that we started adjusting ourselves even before he arrived.

I think you should be looking forward to him arriving instead of worrying about the adjustment. Yet I know it's good to discuss this if you wonder how it's going to go. You should discuss as much detail about it with him ahead of time so there are no surprises when he arrives. He should know what your daily life consists of, and you should know his(which I'm sure you both already know).

No matter what country someone is from, their personalities and their abilities to adapt will affect everything when they move here. We have read many cases, of people from places much more similar to the US, who feel alienated and alone here, and can't seem to fit in to live here or can't get along with their spouse. And then we'll read experiences of ppl from vastly different cultures who are doing great here. And then vice versa. Don't let it scare you.

Adding-Oh yeah, you definitely have to compromise...every relationship has to no matter whethers it's 2 USC's or people from 2 different countries.

Just wanted to say that you posts are always welcome here.

Ok well having been married before I will just say that the hardest adjustments I had to make once I was married are:

*not passing gas wherever I want to.
*having to close the bathroom door when I gotta go.
*not always wearing sweats once I'm home.
*having to wear more sexy nighties instead of my 10 yr old big t-shirt to bed.
*more laundry
*more dishes
*bigger grocery bill
*not having free reign of the clicker
*having to sit through movies I hate


That's all I got for now. lol

I still do number 1,2, and 3 even though I am married. We never close the bathroom door when we pee... what's the big deal?

Gracias!



Same here about 1-3... and even #4...I wear comfy pajamas to bed. So I haven't had to change those things at all after being married 2 years now. The rest...yes more laundry, more dishes, more groceries! The movie thing, not really...

Sofyan and I have both made adjustments, not only bad, but good!
Things I have had to adjust to...
Like, Amal, watching how i explain myself, he misunderstands sometimes and it causes a big ordeal...
Worrying about "whats for dinner" a lean cuisine satisfies me on a day where i worked long hours, but he preferes home cooked meals.
Definitly what i wear to bed, I love to sleep in hoodies and sweats, and obviously, he prefers something else
Visiting my family has cut down alot, it use to be daily and now once a week if im lucky
expenses for 2 instead of one

so, all in all its not so bad, especially since coming back to chicago i now...

Get kisses and hugs whenever i want
Hear i love you all throughout the day
go to bed with the love of my life by my side
wake up seeing someone soo amazing
sharing dinner with someone special rather than the couch and tv..lol
live each day knowing he and I are truly blessed to have found eachother
find myself smiling, realizing he is the only thing on my mind..
and so much more...

JP....Life will be great, promised..you and thaer will find true love and happiness in one another...

I told mine the exact same thing about if he wanted an arabian wife...he should have married an arabian.
The ppl coming over and staying until the wee hours of the morning has GOT to stop!!! He's started calling me about 10 minutes before they arrive saying...thus-and-so and this-n-that are coming over in 10 minutes..can you make tea etc etc...

I feel ur pain lol



ain't that the truth... it all comes crashing to a halt when you finally realize you can't just relax...you have to really work hard to make it work...but it's so so worth it



Definitely look forward to them coming...just coz there are adjustments (some very major) it doesn't mean its not worth looking forward to. I will say though...my husband and I discussed every possible thing..I told him exactly how I am in my home but I guess he thought I was joking coz the things I tried to explain to him in detail..he was so amazed that that's really the way it was and we still had to adjust to it (some things we are still adjusting to)



hehe dollface...this post reminds me of my post a while back...10 things my SO does that makes me smile! we had a bout of cranky posts and I thought it would be good to have a light topic to remind us that with bad times comes good and (vice versa sometimes) If I knew where that post was, I'd re-surface it but i'm too lazy to look for it hehehe
The explaining myself...it's a big big big thing coz I hate hate hate hate being misunderstood...even by americans (when they take things so literally and then you have to break it down for them and explain that you were just joking and why.....argggggggggggg).... so you can only imagine how it is with my husband when he misunderstands and gets mad..then doesn't want to listen ......

The good days far outweigh the bad though so don't let some rough patches ruin a totally amazing thing!

amal

My husband insists on keeping the bathroom door open when it's just us in the house. I guess I don't mind. normally when one of us is in there we are having a conversation while we are doing our things. Now as for passing gas, it used to be that he would run to the bathroom and let it out, now he does it everywhere! I still hold it sometimes, but only when I am in public, at home I don't care nor does he. I hate being uncomfortable when I am at home. I put new comfy clothes on as soon as I get home from work. So does Adil, so he doesn't mind me in my sweats. I've worn a nighty twice my whole life. He doesn't understand the point in me wearing it because it gets in the way. I have free reign of the clicker because he is not home when I watch TV. Haven't had to sit through movies I hate, just movies I can't understand cause they are either in Arabic or in French. But those are definately some adjustments that can be difficult. I guess you just have to get A LOT more comfortable with each other. (Not saying that you two aren't comfortable with each other)

Mohammed would be the one running to CLOSE the door. LOL Mr. Modesty. In Egypt we had adjustments to face and I know we will here as well. But as others have said, keeping an open line of communication, discussing discussing discussing (hell what else better do you have to do all these @#*&$ months of waiting???) and... here's the biggie... getting in touch with YOUR OWN expectations. A lot of us blunder along not even realizing we have expectations. Something to think about.

Only thing we really adjusted to was the language. Sometimes I would speak english too fast or use slang words and he didn't understand. So speaking slowly and having to explain was the biggest adjustment because sometimes I would forget english was his second language. Another thing was sometimes I would get moody or sometimes get upset when he didn't do something the way i wanted. Finally he told me stop acting like princess.. So now our thing at work when we get mad at our husbands we tell each other to stop acting like princesses

Oh all that was for my first marriage....which ended in divorce so there ya go. lol.

I still don't think I could let one go in front of my husband though. Nor do I think I could go to the bathroom with him there. Just me I guess. It's embarassing!

They happen a lot and American women get surprised when confronted with these things the first time. A big one, applicable to Western women, is the issue of having male friends. Most of my friends are male and my best friend is a man - I had to be sure that this would not pose a problem for my husband - and it hasn't. Have a heart-to-heart with your SO about these things and tell him your expectations as he will certainly tell you his. Don't wait for the surprise.

Ye me either...I was too shy to undress at the doctor's office while my husband was there, let alone do #1 or 2 with him staring at me. Snaps!

On the other hand, there are the men who give the answers the women want to hear, expecting to lay down the law once they are married and he is here. I think if someone is just starting out, it may be best to approach some of these things indirectly without voicing your expectations to get a real sense of where he stands.

I just remember another adjustment I had to make. It was concerning my physician who is male. I had to switched to his partner who is a female and my husband doctor is now my old physican. I had to go see an OB GYN but they are all males here. Once we seen the ob gyn and we talk to him and he answered all my husband's questions and respected my husband. He then was ok with me having a male doctor. What helped also was the ob gyn was the husband of our nurse practitioner in our clinic and he met her and he thought she was very nice.

That is so true. I have a male roommate (friend of my daughter) and another male friend who rents an apartment above my garage. Omar was unhappy with it at first, but now he has learned what a help they have both been for me and he has made friends with them. He understands that it is normal here. But we had to have several chats about it!

most of my doctors are female (gp and gyn). allergist and dentist are male. I asked my husband if he was OK with going to a female doctor as she is very good and i have been going to her for awhile. First he said "sure", then he said "we'll see" . . . so I might be looking for a new doctor for him. But his first experience will probably be a civil surgeon because he needs to get a physical for the AOS once he gets here as it has been over one year since his last physical (at least that is how I have understood those instructions).