I am right now in St. Petersburg. My second trip to see the same woman.
I had a great time on my first trip
This time sucks!)) It's like I am visiting a different person.


I am here for two weeks. Until the 20th of October.

My friend needs to find a job. She was living in a communal flat
until September 15th.
Instead of spending thousands on a hotel. I gave her $700 for first
and last months rent on this flat. So I am staying in her new flat.

All that she can think about is finding a good job. She thinks she is a loser
now since she is not working. I understand the need for a job. But, she
has know when I was coming back for two months. You would think she would pay
some attention to me. I have no problem paying another $350 for her rent.
I have told her so but, she is very proud. Just my luck!

That is nothing compared to the money that I feel I am wasting now.
She has a lady living with her to watch her son all day. She speaks more english than I Russian.
Thats not saying very much. I am ready to go home now.

Any advice is appreciated.

Ever been without a job?? She is stressed, she is worried. Why not stop worrying about how much attention she is paying to you and try to help her get through this.

Every person needs something different when they are stressed and in a bad situation. Just giving her money does not solve the larger problem. Everyone is proud and you should be glad that she doesnt just start saying I am not working you will have to support me. Her wanting to to provide for her family is a good sign and speaks volumes about her in my book.

This is a good oppurtunity for you to learn something about her emotionally. If she is the one and you are in this for the long hall you better realize life is not going to be peaches and cream every day for the rest of your life. Be calm talk things out and if language is a problem get someone to interpret for you.

Just my thoughts. Good luck.

Don't worry so much. If the situation were reversed, you would probably behave the same way. (Place to live and job and taking care of kids should be anyone's priority first).

One thing I certainly learned from marriage is that you both need to be able to take care of yourselves.

If it is possible, see if you can spend more time with her, after she gets her job and flat settled. My ex-wife and I spent a lot of time together before deciding to get married, and even that was not enough. It wish it had been much longer.

I am like the other in my thoughts... remember that the 'basics' are needed first.. housing, food, health... she does not have these yet... and you paying for only a couple of months rent and then expect her to be lovey dovey the whole time you are there is just wrong... If she had the job and knew she could live comfortably I am sure she would be like she was on the first visit..

This is real life, not make believe...

I am thinking the only person being inconsiderate, is you (the OP).

Sorry but I imagine her life at the moment is not going to be all about you. You are providing her a place to stay but what about food, what about next month and the month after that?

Maybe instead of thinking about yourself and the money you feel you are "wasting", you should consider her feelings and needs.

just MHO.

Marc

I feel for you. You had the fond memories of your first visit, and you had high expectations of your second visit. However, you do have to remember that once you leave, she still has the same problem. How is she going to support her child and herself? Being a single mother is not easy, especially when you have no job.
What you might want to do is be supportive of her. You could do such things as go food shopping together or even make dinner for her. By showing what is in your heart, it can speak volumes. People do act differently when they are under a lot of stress. If you show some compassion, it should be rewarded in the end.

All I can say to that comment, Russ, is:

AMEN!

Thank you all so much!

I really appreciate the view from the other side.

I think she IS the one. So I should be more supportive.

She does not know what I have been thinking.

So I appreciate all of your help.

Just curious!! then how come you didn't feel it (that she is the one) in your original post?

I don't know... on the one hand, you're there the 2nd time to see her, and you feel that she's the one....

On the other hand, it's almost as if you've been supporting her during this process. If you're paying her rent, why should she have gotten a job already? YOU're paying her rent, where's her motivation to work?

Since you're there now... tell her how you feel, and what you're expecting from her. If she's "the one" then you should let her know now what to expect and not to expect, and what life together is going to be like. Otherwise, you will find out down the road, and by then it might be too late.

Talk it out now, while you're still there.

so you want to know if all Russian women are inconsiderate?

No, he's basically asking other guys who've been involved with Russian women if this is a typical experience for them or what?

You have to realize Caroline, that when dealing with a foreign or alien culture, some things are nearly incomprehensible, so sometimes we ASK other guys... hey has this ever happened to you, dealing in your situation??

Maybe he didn't express it very well, but I have no doubt that was the intent of his query, to ask other people in the Russian forum, who have experience with Western/Russian relationships if this behavior is typical.

And frankly, he was a bit unglued from what was going on, so let's give him a break in terms of how well did he express himself, especially to the popcorn-gulping masses who seem to love just monitoring this forum for "political correctness", since they don't appear to have anything better to do, alright??

Thanks!

-- Dan

dude...just a question. I was trying to clarify what he was asking as his topic title didn't quite match the post itself.

you are WAY high strung.




don't see you jumping on THIS guy and he was harsh! i was just asking for clasrification...

I am not a dude. That's insulting, frankly.

I believe I did clarify it for you. I'm glad you have such an interest in the clarification of Western-Russian relationships. I think the world will be a better place now.

In terms of being "WAY high strung", I think your opinion is awfully subjective, and frankly, I think it's a matter of the Pot calling the Kettle black, but that's just my view on things... yours obviously can and will differ...

-- Dan

NEVER buy into the hype...NEVER. I understand your position and the consequent feelings.
Your position or opinions does not have to be popular. If I was in your situation I would
feel exactly how you feel. On the other hand; attention must be paid to the fact that being
without a job is a VERY daunting feeling and one can at times question their self worth under
those circumstances. NOW to my point; if the tables were turned and she was visiting you
here in the USA I am SURE that she would expect some level of attention to be paid to her
even if you have no job. DO NOT accept a thrashing from the public because you are being
honest with your feelings. Do not feel that you have to be politically correct....just be objective.
Use this visit to measure the distance that you are willing to go with this relationship.
Good Luck and hope the rest of your trip is good......get out and see the place instead of
wasting your time indoors.

good! so we can agre to disagree - and you can agree to let me post anywhere I'd like on here as it is a public forum

great, thanks.

By the way, I still feel bad when I think about renting an apartment in Moscow (S.Petersburg should be the same, I suppose). It's nothing similar to renting an apartment in US, unless you rent a luxury and verrrry expensive one.

The rent may rise any moment by any rate, the neighbors are looking after you (so that you don't bring guests to stay with you, or even to visit during the day!), the landlord may decide that he/she will live in the apartment himself/herself starting the next month...

and you still have to live somewhere, right?