Any help would be fantastic
thanks in advance
amal
Full Version: Ideas on telling family you converted
I am in a kind of "bind"..since converting, I haven't been able to tell my family and I feel like I'm lying to them. I know I am allowed to tell whom I want, when I want..but I've never kept a secret like this from my family. Has anyone converted (to any religion, not just Islam) and felt this way? What did you do? Did you tell them? How did you tell them? What was their reaction? Did they ever accept your decision? And one of the biggest...How did you get up enough nerve to tell them in the first place?
Any help would be fantastic thanks in advance
amal
Any help would be fantastic
thanks in advance amal
I think it takes a lot of time and reflecting to be able to let them know. You have to grow thick skin and be prepared for criticism. Some family members may be disgusted over it, and some may be very happy that you have found God or something that makes you happy.
From one site:
For some muslim converts telling their family of their decision is no problem at all. Some families of converts are very happy at the choice to become a muslim, and it is welcomed. Unfortunately though for other converts this is a difficult process, with various obstacles to face.
This page is designed to help new converts through this experience, or perhaps even 'old' converts who have kept their new religion hidden for some time. There is no magical answer as all families are different and will inevitably react in various ways. However, if we cannot provide exact answers, we can certainly go a long way to helping converts feel more comfortable in this situation, and by sharing with each other we will all grow stronger and more able to face problems inshaAllah.
Before we get into the possible family problems and the suggested solutions we should first emphasize that although some converts have some problems, there are many others who do not. This page is designed to help those who are met with obstacles, so may, unavoidably, come across as negative. So please remember that some families of converts are very happy that their relative has converted. Some reasons for the happy reactions are as follows:
they are happy that the relative concerned has found God.
they are happy that the relative concerned will be leading a moral life, especially in this day and age.
the family have seen the happiness that the relative concerned has found and this in turn makes them happy.
they are pleased that the relative concerned now has discipline and stability in their life.
families knowledgable about Islam, although they may not convert themselves, realise the truth about Islam (as opposed to the propaganda).
Please remember that the anticipation of telling your family about your new religion is often worse than the reality. We find that we re-run the moment over and over in our minds, imagining the worst possible outcome. Then, when we come to actually having the discussion, things go much better than expected.
Who to Tell?
When I use the word 'family' this is referring to whoever you decide. For myself, I was concerned with telling my parents and my brother about my change of religion. Telling other family members was something that to me was not as urgent, but would be necessary in time. I felt that I wanted to gain the understanding and hopefully the support of my parents prior to tackling anyone else. For others though, they may have other family members that they would want to talk to first. Perhaps an aunt who you feel is open minded and receptive to new ideas, who in fact, may help you talk with your parents. Or perhaps a brother or sister would be easier to tell initially before talking to your parents. This is just something to consider.
What Method to use to tell your family?
The actual method of telling your family really comes down to the relationship that you have with them. Have you always had a relationship that allows the free and easy discussion of any topic? Or is your relationship good, but discussions of topics that might rock the boat are rare? Or perhaps you feel you have a not so good relationship with them.
Face to Face Conversation
I would advise the best method is to just sit down and talk to them in an environment that will allow them to express their views freely, ie talk to them privately, somewhere where they and you feel comfortable. This will allow for a conversaton to take place, giving them the opportunity to ask questions and you the opportunity to get across the main points that you feel are important. I know you may feel that you want some of your muslim friends with you, but this may stifle your family's reaction, they may not feel they can ask questions about the religion in front of a muslim audience for example.
A face to face conversation also gives you the opportunity to observe their real reactions and body language, something that will be lost with a telephone call or letter.
A Letter
If you feel that you are unable to talk to your family face to face then writing a letter is an option to consider. A letter has the advantage of allowing you time to write and re-write until you are happy that you have expressed yourself in the best possible way. You have the opportunity to make sure that you include everything that you want and that the best possible wording is used.
The disadvantage is clear, you can niether see nor hear their initial reactions. The reaction that you receive will be a delayed reaction, ie when you next see your family, or when they have read and digested your letter they will phone you. A lot can be learned from witnessing their initial reaction, although some may prefer to only get a reaction once the family have had some time to contemplate what you have told them.
You might want to consider telling your family face to face, but afterwards leave them with a letter that you had previously prepared. This would ensure any points that you were not able to convey during the conversation, were not missed altogether.
A Phone Call
This method does not really apply too well to individuals who still live with their family. Going out of the house to then phone back to the house to tell them, only then to return to the house later, does not seem the best option
For those living apart from their family, this could be considered. However, if the family live relatively close by then I would suggest telling them face to face, rather than down the phone, and only consider the phone in the cases where family live at a distance and visits are few and far between.
Using the phone to tell family still involves having to talk to them, so if possible, going the extra step and telling them face to face would be better. The phone obviously stops you seeing their reaction, it is not always easy to get a true understanding of someone's real feelings down the phone. I feel that a phonecall to talk to your family about such a matter could also trivialise the issue, which is obviously highly important in your life.
However, if this is the method that you feel suits you best, then of course do it this way.
When it comes to telling other family members then a phone call or a letter could be the best option and the easiest in some cases.
Link ---> http://www.convertstoislam.com/Coping/coping.html
From one site:
For some muslim converts telling their family of their decision is no problem at all. Some families of converts are very happy at the choice to become a muslim, and it is welcomed. Unfortunately though for other converts this is a difficult process, with various obstacles to face.
This page is designed to help new converts through this experience, or perhaps even 'old' converts who have kept their new religion hidden for some time. There is no magical answer as all families are different and will inevitably react in various ways. However, if we cannot provide exact answers, we can certainly go a long way to helping converts feel more comfortable in this situation, and by sharing with each other we will all grow stronger and more able to face problems inshaAllah.
Before we get into the possible family problems and the suggested solutions we should first emphasize that although some converts have some problems, there are many others who do not. This page is designed to help those who are met with obstacles, so may, unavoidably, come across as negative. So please remember that some families of converts are very happy that their relative has converted. Some reasons for the happy reactions are as follows:
they are happy that the relative concerned has found God.
they are happy that the relative concerned will be leading a moral life, especially in this day and age.
the family have seen the happiness that the relative concerned has found and this in turn makes them happy.
they are pleased that the relative concerned now has discipline and stability in their life.
families knowledgable about Islam, although they may not convert themselves, realise the truth about Islam (as opposed to the propaganda).
Please remember that the anticipation of telling your family about your new religion is often worse than the reality. We find that we re-run the moment over and over in our minds, imagining the worst possible outcome. Then, when we come to actually having the discussion, things go much better than expected.
Who to Tell?
When I use the word 'family' this is referring to whoever you decide. For myself, I was concerned with telling my parents and my brother about my change of religion. Telling other family members was something that to me was not as urgent, but would be necessary in time. I felt that I wanted to gain the understanding and hopefully the support of my parents prior to tackling anyone else. For others though, they may have other family members that they would want to talk to first. Perhaps an aunt who you feel is open minded and receptive to new ideas, who in fact, may help you talk with your parents. Or perhaps a brother or sister would be easier to tell initially before talking to your parents. This is just something to consider.
What Method to use to tell your family?
The actual method of telling your family really comes down to the relationship that you have with them. Have you always had a relationship that allows the free and easy discussion of any topic? Or is your relationship good, but discussions of topics that might rock the boat are rare? Or perhaps you feel you have a not so good relationship with them.
Face to Face Conversation
I would advise the best method is to just sit down and talk to them in an environment that will allow them to express their views freely, ie talk to them privately, somewhere where they and you feel comfortable. This will allow for a conversaton to take place, giving them the opportunity to ask questions and you the opportunity to get across the main points that you feel are important. I know you may feel that you want some of your muslim friends with you, but this may stifle your family's reaction, they may not feel they can ask questions about the religion in front of a muslim audience for example.
A face to face conversation also gives you the opportunity to observe their real reactions and body language, something that will be lost with a telephone call or letter.
A Letter
If you feel that you are unable to talk to your family face to face then writing a letter is an option to consider. A letter has the advantage of allowing you time to write and re-write until you are happy that you have expressed yourself in the best possible way. You have the opportunity to make sure that you include everything that you want and that the best possible wording is used.
The disadvantage is clear, you can niether see nor hear their initial reactions. The reaction that you receive will be a delayed reaction, ie when you next see your family, or when they have read and digested your letter they will phone you. A lot can be learned from witnessing their initial reaction, although some may prefer to only get a reaction once the family have had some time to contemplate what you have told them.
You might want to consider telling your family face to face, but afterwards leave them with a letter that you had previously prepared. This would ensure any points that you were not able to convey during the conversation, were not missed altogether.
A Phone Call
This method does not really apply too well to individuals who still live with their family. Going out of the house to then phone back to the house to tell them, only then to return to the house later, does not seem the best option
For those living apart from their family, this could be considered. However, if the family live relatively close by then I would suggest telling them face to face, rather than down the phone, and only consider the phone in the cases where family live at a distance and visits are few and far between.
Using the phone to tell family still involves having to talk to them, so if possible, going the extra step and telling them face to face would be better. The phone obviously stops you seeing their reaction, it is not always easy to get a true understanding of someone's real feelings down the phone. I feel that a phonecall to talk to your family about such a matter could also trivialise the issue, which is obviously highly important in your life.
However, if this is the method that you feel suits you best, then of course do it this way.
When it comes to telling other family members then a phone call or a letter could be the best option and the easiest in some cases.
Link ---> http://www.convertstoislam.com/Coping/coping.html
I told my two sisters and I just "did it" like the commercial. No beatin' around the bush, I wanted to get it out of my mouth and then I cringed and waited for the response. They were cool with it, but then they're cool with just about anything.
I haven't told the rents yet though I think my mom is suspicious. She knows that I have been looking into it and she recently told one of my sisters that "she just has to find her own path", so that's pretty cool, though what she'll say to me will be very different I'm sure.
I think it would be easier if my parents were not such devout Catholics. If they were just non practicing Christians I think they wouldn't mind as much.
Looking forward to reading the responses here.
I haven't told the rents yet though I think my mom is suspicious. She knows that I have been looking into it and she recently told one of my sisters that "she just has to find her own path", so that's pretty cool, though what she'll say to me will be very different I'm sure.
I think it would be easier if my parents were not such devout Catholics. If they were just non practicing Christians I think they wouldn't mind as much.
Looking forward to reading the responses here.
I just came out with it...
me and mom had this heart to heart about it.
me and mom had this heart to heart about it.
QUOTE(doodlebug @ Sep 10 2006, 10:31 PM) 
I told my two sisters and I just "did it" like the commercial. No beatin' around the bush, I wanted to get it out of my mouth and then I cringed and waited for the response. They were cool with it, but then they're cool with just about anything.
I haven't told the rents yet though I think my mom is suspicious. She knows that I have been looking into it and she recently told one of my sisters that "she just has to find her own path", so that's pretty cool, though what she'll say to me will be very different I'm sure.
I think it would be easier if my parents were not such devout Catholics. If they were just non practicing Christians I think they wouldn't mind as much.
Looking forward to reading the responses here.
QUOTE(babybunny @ Sep 11 2006, 04:35 AM)
I just came out with it...
me and mom had this heart to heart about it.
both of you girls are so courageous. I wish I could just come out with it. My sisters would probably be way cool with it coz they know that I don't always follow the crowd and I do as my heart tells me. They also know that I had lost the faith for quite some time and I think they'd just be so so happy that I found something I can finally believe in again. The ppl that scare me are : 1, my mother..she holds grudges for ages and won't say anything...just treat ya like crap until you break. 2, my grandparents since they basically disowned me when I married an Ay-Rab Muslim. I'm not sure what my dad will say. He's so layed back about a lot of things but pretty sure in what he believes. He'll probably be cool with it. The only other person is my aunt. She's really really really strong in her faith and will probably tell me how stupid I am to turn my back on Christianity and give me "that look" I'm sure you all know what look I'm talking about. The one that is like stabbing you like a million swords thru the heart...the one that you would just rather they slap you and get it over with "look"...yeah, that one.....
I just don't know what to do...
Umm, I didn't tell them. I was hemming and hawing over it, and then they snuck into my email and found out that way 
Big disaster. Definately tell them rather then have them find out second hand.
The Iprofess.com website has fantastic articles written from the experience of converts, including one on how to tell the family.
Definately approach them with a lot of literature handy. I gave them Daughters of Another Path, written by a christian mother about her experiences when her daughter married an Iranian and converte to islam (kills 2 birds with one stone for those of us who married ME/NA men, lol). Shop around for it, since it seems they did an overprint, and you can usually get it for really really cheap. Reherse the answer to the "why" question over and over and over. Even if you know why in your heart, when you say it, it isn't going to come out easily.
And then, don't get disheartened when they're mad/angry/confused/upset/etc. Just show them through your actions that your choice has made you a person at peace, content, happy. Your actions and behaviors over the years will do more to convince them then any "hey mom, dad, I'm a muslim" conversation will. It's been a number of years for me, and my parents like to just pretend it didn't happen, although I think they're slowly starting to come around to the idea.
Big disaster. Definately tell them rather then have them find out second hand.The Iprofess.com website has fantastic articles written from the experience of converts, including one on how to tell the family.
Definately approach them with a lot of literature handy. I gave them Daughters of Another Path, written by a christian mother about her experiences when her daughter married an Iranian and converte to islam (kills 2 birds with one stone for those of us who married ME/NA men, lol). Shop around for it, since it seems they did an overprint, and you can usually get it for really really cheap. Reherse the answer to the "why" question over and over and over. Even if you know why in your heart, when you say it, it isn't going to come out easily.
And then, don't get disheartened when they're mad/angry/confused/upset/etc. Just show them through your actions that your choice has made you a person at peace, content, happy. Your actions and behaviors over the years will do more to convince them then any "hey mom, dad, I'm a muslim" conversation will. It's been a number of years for me, and my parents like to just pretend it didn't happen, although I think they're slowly starting to come around to the idea.
That's great advice unless you have family like mine that doesn't really care to understand or read about anything LOL.
I just came right out with it and told my family. After having been drawn to witchcraft for many many years prior to I actually thought they would be happy I found my way back to the one and only true God.... I was wrong. It was awful. They would have preferred I just stayed all witchy...
My dad is less likely to speak to me now than ever before. The only thing that has changed in our relationship now (and probably the reason he doesn't like to talk to me much anymore) is that I'm not shy to call him on his BS anymore
My mom has eventually come around and accepted my decision and actually acts excited when we get news on Yousuf's visa progress... they send little text messages back and forth too
My brother and sister in law are OK with it but since he's a wannabe preacher himself he likes to start arguments with me anytime he sees me now... he's starting to back off from it since he's realized that I have actually read the book he's trying to convince me about
Their daughter actually surprised me one night... we were in the car on our way back to my house (she was spending the night with me and my kids) and she started asking me all kinds of questions.... I just answered her and explained that Auntie just believes differently than her mommy and daddy.... what threw me for a loop was when she said... well I understand what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense... especially since paw-paw's always preaching about these same things (one God, faith, do good, modesty, etc) but then they don't live it. I was like
She says to me... please don't tell them I said anything because I don't want to get in trouble.... I wouldn't dare tell them a thing. 
WOW I really got off on a ramble there.. sorry!!!!
I just came right out with it and told my family. After having been drawn to witchcraft for many many years prior to I actually thought they would be happy I found my way back to the one and only true God.... I was wrong. It was awful. They would have preferred I just stayed all witchy...
My dad is less likely to speak to me now than ever before. The only thing that has changed in our relationship now (and probably the reason he doesn't like to talk to me much anymore) is that I'm not shy to call him on his BS anymore
My mom has eventually come around and accepted my decision and actually acts excited when we get news on Yousuf's visa progress... they send little text messages back and forth too
My brother and sister in law are OK with it but since he's a wannabe preacher himself he likes to start arguments with me anytime he sees me now... he's starting to back off from it since he's realized that I have actually read the book he's trying to convince me about
Their daughter actually surprised me one night... we were in the car on our way back to my house (she was spending the night with me and my kids) and she started asking me all kinds of questions.... I just answered her and explained that Auntie just believes differently than her mommy and daddy.... what threw me for a loop was when she said... well I understand what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense... especially since paw-paw's always preaching about these same things (one God, faith, do good, modesty, etc) but then they don't live it. I was like
She says to me... please don't tell them I said anything because I don't want to get in trouble.... I wouldn't dare tell them a thing. WOW I really got off on a ramble there.. sorry!!!!
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 09:09 AM)
They would have preferred I just stayed all witchy...
i thought you did
QUOTE(charlesandnessa @ Sep 11 2006, 10:28 AM)
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 09:09 AM)
They would have preferred I just stayed all witchy...
i thought you did
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 09:48 AM)
QUOTE(charlesandnessa @ Sep 11 2006, 10:28 AM)
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 09:09 AM)
They would have preferred I just stayed all witchy...
i thought you did
sorry you just made that one so easy for me 
First,
Congradulations ! Allah U Akbar ! I think that you should let your faith guide you. Remeber that in the end only you will stand before Allah. Although your family is important , this is your choice, your right and your decision. If you want to tell them, thats great. You should be proud of your decision and surround yourself with people who will encourage you rather than discourage you.
Information is the best tool. If they are really concernerd about your choice they can educate themselves with proper information about Islam. If they choose to learn about it you can help them with any questions they may have. You cant mkae them accept your choice but you can make them see that you are happy and you have educated yourself before your conversion.
May Allah bless you.
Salam alaikum
Congradulations ! Allah U Akbar ! I think that you should let your faith guide you. Remeber that in the end only you will stand before Allah. Although your family is important , this is your choice, your right and your decision. If you want to tell them, thats great. You should be proud of your decision and surround yourself with people who will encourage you rather than discourage you.
Information is the best tool. If they are really concernerd about your choice they can educate themselves with proper information about Islam. If they choose to learn about it you can help them with any questions they may have. You cant mkae them accept your choice but you can make them see that you are happy and you have educated yourself before your conversion.
May Allah bless you.
Salam alaikum
QUOTE(amal @ Sep 10 2006, 08:30 PM)
I am in a kind of "bind"..since converting, I haven't been able to tell my family and I feel like I'm lying to them. I know I am allowed to tell whom I want, when I want..but I've never kept a secret like this from my family. Has anyone converted (to any religion, not just Islam) and felt this way? What did you do? Did you tell them? How did you tell them? What was their reaction? Did they ever accept your decision? And one of the biggest...How did you get up enough nerve to tell them in the first place?
Any help would be fantastic
thanks in advance amal Tell them first you are converted to Homosexualism.... After that everything would be viewed easier.
I was very big member in my church. I didn't miss a service, I planned lunch after church, and I planned get togethers for the 20-30 group. When I converted/reverted to Islam it was the best thing that ever happened to me! Except now I have to tell all of those who I went to church with, and most importantly my dad!
Well my dad and I have had conversations about Islam and Christianity. He knew that I was struggling with my faith in Jesus.(PBUH) He knew that I had been reading about Islam for a little while, but he thought it was just so that I could understand Adil's religion. Then when I started to defend Islam more and more he started to worry! Even though he believes in God, he doesn't believe that Allah is the same God as the christian God. And when I explained to him that even the Christians in Arabic speaking countries call God Allah, he said "God is an international word and all languages use it". Not true of course, but people have pounded this into his head, especially the pastor of his church! Anyway, he had his whole church, a pentecostal church, praying for me and calling me to let me know that they were praying for me and that if I need to talk about anything I could talk to them! Now I was getting tired of all the calls! I told my dad that I didn't mind they were praying for me, but I did mind all the calls. The calls stopped, the praying continued, and I found Islam!
His church still continues to pray for me as does he. I still haven't been able to tell my dad that I converted/reverted to Islam. At one point he told me that if I did convert that that's where we would go different paths. Well I took this to mean that he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore so I didn't tell him at all. But I found out that he meant spiritually we would go different paths. I still haven't told him that I converted to Islam. And I still occasionally attend the church that I am a member of, so they don't even know I converted. A few know that I have been looking into it for over a year now, but they are open to it also. So I will have to wait an see what happens.
May Allah give me and all others struggling with similar situations strength to face our obstacles!
Well my dad and I have had conversations about Islam and Christianity. He knew that I was struggling with my faith in Jesus.(PBUH) He knew that I had been reading about Islam for a little while, but he thought it was just so that I could understand Adil's religion. Then when I started to defend Islam more and more he started to worry! Even though he believes in God, he doesn't believe that Allah is the same God as the christian God. And when I explained to him that even the Christians in Arabic speaking countries call God Allah, he said "God is an international word and all languages use it". Not true of course, but people have pounded this into his head, especially the pastor of his church! Anyway, he had his whole church, a pentecostal church, praying for me and calling me to let me know that they were praying for me and that if I need to talk about anything I could talk to them! Now I was getting tired of all the calls! I told my dad that I didn't mind they were praying for me, but I did mind all the calls. The calls stopped, the praying continued, and I found Islam!
His church still continues to pray for me as does he. I still haven't been able to tell my dad that I converted/reverted to Islam. At one point he told me that if I did convert that that's where we would go different paths. Well I took this to mean that he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore so I didn't tell him at all. But I found out that he meant spiritually we would go different paths. I still haven't told him that I converted to Islam. And I still occasionally attend the church that I am a member of, so they don't even know I converted. A few know that I have been looking into it for over a year now, but they are open to it also. So I will have to wait an see what happens.
May Allah give me and all others struggling with similar situations strength to face our obstacles!
QUOTE(charlesandnessa @ Sep 11 2006, 07:51 AM)
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 09:48 AM)
QUOTE(charlesandnessa @ Sep 11 2006, 10:28 AM)
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 09:09 AM)
They would have preferred I just stayed all witchy...
i thought you did
sorry you just made that one so easy for me hahahaha oh Charles.
deleted in the spirit of peace 
QUOTE(Veiled Princess @ Sep 11 2006, 01:36 PM)
deleted in the spirit of peace
I, for one, am proud of you
I also want to say THANKS heaps for all the support...I'm still unsure if I can tell'em or not..but you all are giving me hope that I may be able to one of these days.
I don't have advice on this at all, but I did just want to add that if they know you married a muslim, then they know that you are part of a muslim family and converting in the future is possible. I don't know what they will do or say either, but your news isn't completely out of the blue here. On some level they have to have seen this coming and I would think that if any of them get dramatic on you, then they would probably just get dramatic about something else if you don't tell them.
btw, thanks for sharing your "coming out" bind in the first place.
Maybe a loving member of your family can read some of these posts on vj and read about this and how much support you have here. Afterall, how could anyone that's read this thread or "spun" be upset with or second-guess you?
Dawn
btw, thanks for sharing your "coming out" bind in the first place.
Maybe a loving member of your family can read some of these posts on vj and read about this and how much support you have here. Afterall, how could anyone that's read this thread or "spun" be upset with or second-guess you?
Dawn
I wish I could say what I'm thinking, but I won't. 
As for amal, I haven't been through this, but you have to have confidence in your choice to face up to the reactions you will get. When you get it, then you're ready to tell them.
As for amal, I haven't been through this, but you have to have confidence in your choice to face up to the reactions you will get. When you get it, then you're ready to tell them.
Thanks Dawn.
This is not just a thread for me, but for any person out there questioning how to tell their families they converted. I figured that I'm not the only one and I'm not the last one to go thru this so I am hoping that any advice given here will help many more to come.
This is not just a thread for me, but for any person out there questioning how to tell their families they converted.
I figured that I'm not the only one and I'm not the last one to go thru this so I am hoping that any advice given here will help many more to come.
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