So Monday night I'm laying in bed sound asleep, after all it was 1 am! I get a collect call from the Essex County Jail and it's my husband. Apparently he's been arrested for multiple weapon charges and drug possesion. I'm thinking why is he in our local jail when he's supposed to be visiting his supposedly sick mom for the past week and not returning until September 5th. Well, it turns out, he never even left the county, he was staying with his 2 daughters...yes 2 daughters who were both conceived during the time of our marriage; FYI we've only been married a little over a year . No one can imagine how furious I was, then to top it off he wants me to believe the cops set him up and he's innocent and all this will go away. I contacted several attorneys today and they all said that a gun charge in NJ carries a minimum fine of 4 years, not to mention the drug charges, plus he had other charges pending. I feel like such a fool, all this stuff is coming out and I'm beginning to feel like his entire family knew and were all covering up for him. For example, his mom called me a few days ago telling me how nice it was to see him and how good he looks...blah blah blah. Words can't explain how frustrated and disgusted I am, for the last 4 months I've gotten 27 insufficient funds notices from our bank, today they closed the account, he sold our other car, I'm now thinking several times he had my daughter with him while he was doing his street business. I'm ready to call a divorce lawyer and get some paper work going, my parents seem to think I'm giving up too easy. The way I look at it...he has absolutely no respect, love or decency towards me. I mean, it's bad enough to go have a kid outside your marriage, but to have 2 and then parading around with them, obviously he was using my money to take care of them. The damn bank account was never in the positive...never. This isn't his first time arrested, before we got married, that was one of the things we discussed. I let him know from day one that I wasn't tolerating him going back and forth to prison, we were supposed to have a family and put the past behind us. Obviously all that meant nothing to him, we're both 26 years old, still young with our lives ahead of us. I just don't get it. Do you guys think I'm copping out, I was raised to believe that marriages were to last forever; I'm really beginning to feel like a failure at the mere thought of ending my marriage. I mean how the hell am I supposed to deal with 2 kids outside my marriage, yet he bitches the moment I speak to my daughter's father. Please Advise

Um no I don't think you are giving up. What kind of a 'forever' would a marriage like that be?

Wait a minute - 2 daughters in less than a year....that means two different mothers, right?

What an a$$hole.

Wow you poor poor thing. Move on and I'm sorry this happened. GOod luck to you.

No you are doing the correct thing, dump him! You have legal grounds to remain in the USA.

Hang in there! But dump him!

Nope first kid was born August 26th, second kid was born May 12th. From what the mother told me, somethings wrong with the kid and she was born a couple months premature. Not that I care!

Dump him and move on. He won't change (even if he gets out of prison some day).

You go girl. Keep your chin up (I know, easier said than done) and file for divorce. I would not tolerate this behavior at all. What I don't know now is, are you the USC or is he? Sorry, I don't know your pre-disaster-story.

Evi

You are not copping out. His behaviour has been inexcusable and totally irresponsible. You deserve better. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, but cut your losses and get on with a better life for you and your daughter. Marriage is a partnership and he sounds like he bailed out of this one before it even began. Good luck.

Run girl, run far from him. People who were in jail before usually go back. This guy sounds like bad news.

I am sorry this has happened to you but you have a chance to leave him and have a normal life. He will ask you for forgiveness and promise he will change. You will believe him and only waste more time.

Good luck with all.

Ana

Wow, you deserve better than this.

That should have been your first clue about his character. Do you really need further proof?

Yikes. You deserve so much better than this b.s. You aren't giving up on the relationship at all -- HE is the one who gave up on having a good marriage when he insisted on doing these things. You have a mountain of evidence to show that you entered into the marriage in good-faith and the divorce is due to HIS actions, so I really think that you will be able to stay in the US.

Good luck!

Maybe it is just me but I really don't see in the post if you are the immigrant or the benificiary.
Of course either way you are dealing with a drug addict that can not be trusted as long as they are on the drug. The advice might be a little different depending on who you are. Either way he is not going to be any help to you as long as he is addicted to this drug.

Im so sorry for you, that really sucks alot that you went through all that visa torture and then finally have it all done and only to find out that your husband is doing horrible things, that really sucks, im so soo sad about it....

but really, the only people who say that you are copping out are people who are weak, i mean...come on, it's easier to stay with him, sure, and be miserable, but it's easier isn't it? that is the weak thing to do , im sorry but it is...so the stronger thing is to take the more challenging road, and go out on your own, have faith that maybe it will be hard for a while, but atleast you will get over him and wont have to be miserable....i know it's hard, but you can do it if you really truly believe he won't change, and it seems like you've already made up your mind that he wont...
All i know is that if someone cheats, that's just horrible
it means they don't respect you or your feelings, and it's just so sad to be cheated on , and it really takes a bad kind of person to be able to cheat on someone, and that doesn't change, or atleast you can't change him, he will have to change himself...which doesn't seem likely...
He is not even admitting to his mistakes, that shows right there that he is not gona change, because if you can't even say sorry! i mean blaming the police that it's all some big conspiracy or something..that is his way of not admitting his fault and not even apologizing for that...sorry but how can he fix himself if he won't even admit his is doing bad things...

Further more, he is putting you into debt by spending money you don't have...so do you really think you would be better with him? he is not caring if you have money at all, that's just sad...

im so sorry about this, i hope you can find the right choice for you to make, just make sure you are not going to be miserable, and you are young like you said, take advantage of that, ok?

Alright, im done blabbing, i hope it all works out for you.

Hun, get out of that relationship now! That is no way for anyone to treat their spouse!

BTW, where in New Jersey are you? As one divorced New Jersey girl to another, not to mention someone who's familiar with family law, PM me and I might be of some help.

I had to re-read your original post, because, quite frankly, I can't believe you haven't left his a$$ already. Then I caught the line about your parents thinking you're giving up too quickly... do they not know the entire story? I could not IMAGINE my daughter being in a similar situation and encouraging her to stick with it... I'd be helping her pack her bags, yesterday!

Run like hell!

I'm the Immigrant.

As far as my parents, I guess they're from that era where people stayed married no matter how miserable they were, they believed in turning the other cheek. Frankly, I think it's a bunch of bull!

This is all so sudden, the marriage, as far as i Know was going pretty OK. Lord knows it wasn't perfect...he was staying out late a lot, money was always short for no appararent reason...now looking back it all makes sense. the worst thing in life is to feel like someone took you for a fool, and that's exactly how I feel.

I'm guessing the OP comes from a good catholic background and that's why she's getting this kind of 'support' from her family.

Let's see. He was sleeping with some other chick while she was in Belize. Sleeping with the same chick within a few weeks of their marriage. Doping. Dealing. Overdrawing the bank account from the money she has made from a good job (did you all look at the timeline and see where she works?).

This is the score as I see it - VJ Advice 1 - Family Advice 0.

Hold your head high and stay proud. You are not to blame. You were naive in thinking that he would change... but who among us has never been naive, or had high hopes for change? Consider this a lesson learned and don't make the same mistake again. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't let a man like this scar you forever. He's not worth it.

I wouldn't bail his worthless ### out of jail either. Let him be somebody's bi t ch.

That's what I was thinking but I didn't want to assume... I am also from that sort of background, but as much as my parents were stunned by my news to divorce my ex (I had never complained to them or let on that there was any trouble at all - stunned is putting it mildly), they still put my happiness above all else...

Oh I'm definately not bailing him out and i've put a block on my phone to stop accepting collect calls. That's a big step to me.

Amen, Sister Queen!



Well done!

You made your terms and expectations very plain in the beginning. Not only did he disregard them, he messed around and had a couple of children who you have apparently been supporting.

You surely cannot think for one second that you would be making a wrong decision in leaving him in your dust.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You put your belief and faith in someone, and had your love thrown back in your face. That is no poor reflection on you, but speaks volumes of him.

Best of luck to you and yours. May your new path be gravel free.

I seriously think you should cut the ties from this situation asap. I mean, of NO FAULT OF YOURS, he has no sense of responsibility... I bet if you spoke to any confident woman they would say 'cut and run honey....'

This does not sound healthy for you or your daughter. Don't be afraid to make the right decision. I think you know deep down what your gut is telling you. Over time you will look back and say thank God I got out of this mess when I did... Basically the sooner the better....

This marriage is obviously shot. There are way too many problems to fix.
1. If any of those hot checks have your signature you must pay them ASAP. You are not responsible for the ones that he wrote.
2. I would look into the divorce laws in your state. Since you have not been married all that long and you shouldn't need some complicated settlement It may be simple enough to do yourself. It may just be a matter of filing a few forms. After visa / AOS you should be pretty good at filing forms.
3. If you want to stay here in the States you should use this thread to ask how that can be done.

It is a shame that your husband has so many problems, but he is too far gone for help now. The best thing for you to do is cut your losses and move on.

I'm so sorry to read this but I agree with all that has been said. Dump his lousy a$$ before he makes your life any worse. Find a divorce attorney ASAP.

This may be too far out for you to think about, but do you want to stay in the US or return to Belize?

I totally agree with what everyone else has said here so far, leave and never look back. You are young, sound like a great person and definitely do not deserve to be treated the way that this man has treated you. You gave up everything to be here in the U.S. with him and that is how he treats you?! He obviously does not care for or respect you or your daughter. I was married for the first time when I was 23 and he cheated on me multiple times and so on. I didn't tell anyone about anything because I wanted to be an adult and deal with things on my own, so when I left it was a big shock to everyone. I was ashamed for a while because I come from a strong Catholic background as well, but now I am older, wiser and no without any doubt that I made the right decision. Two years ago I married a wonderful man, who treats me like gold. I learned a big lesson from my first marriage and you will too. Everything happens for a reason and there are better things ahead in life for you. We are all here for you if you ever need to talk. All the best of luck to you and your daughter!!!

It's OK to move on from a situation like yours.

as it is anyway, its going to be hard for him to receive his 10 year card due to everything his done, so i wouldnt worry at all.

MissMariemc,

I might take a little flack for suggesting this, but I really think you should also consider getting some counseling. The fact that your parents think you're giving up too soon sounds like you might be in need of some support in learning how not to be a doormat. Sorry for that expression... it's a little harsh... but it takes a while to develope the mindframe that you appear to be in (tolerating way too much BS), and I don't think it can be undone overnight. In fact, I'd say you may be at risk for getting into another relationship with another unsavory character.

Immigration-wise, it looks like you will just need to remove conditions on your own, and I'd suggest checking in to the Removing Conditions forum for further advice about that. From the little I've read, it sounds totally do-able. It may help to document as best you can the behaviour of your husband to show that you had ample reason to end the marriage.

And let me be very clear: I think you shoulda BEEN gone! It sounds to me like you have tolerated WAY too much misbehaviour already! Run... do not walk... to the nearest exit!

Best wishes, and I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope your future in the US gets a lot brighter once this ____ is out of the picture!



Maya

The hubby is the USC.

As a Catholic girl who's getting hitched in the Catholic church and was raised by a Catholic family I can safely say that the Catholic family would currently be digging a big enough hole in the backyard for this guy! GET OUT. As a Catholic, I understand how serious the Sacrament of marriage is and if you're a practicing Catholic how important it is to you.
But I wouldn't stay, this man sounds more than just a lost cause, his lifestyle sounds dangerous to you and your daughter. Your family should be supporting you - the church understands more than they do, I believe. Annulments are granted for very good reasons every day. If this is what's giving you pause I would speak to a local priest, deacon, etc.

Good Luck

I wish you all the best in the future.. So sorry to hear about this. You really deserves better.

I am very sorry for you. You need to get out of that relationship. He is lying to you his mother is lying to you. He sells drugs and has been caught we drugs and weapons he is going to jail for a while. I do not think you are giving up. Get the hell out of that total crazy situation you are in.

Good luck,

Peter Miami

Start the closing-down process of this chapter of your life now. My best friend was in a similar situation and she actually got arrested since she was at the house when a raid was carried out and "products" seized. She was able to prove that she had no knowledge of her husband's carrying-ons so she got off with just a warning. I'm sure your family and true friends will understand and offer their support. New life for you and your daughter... As advised before, clear all checks with your signature. It may be a bit difficult opening another account right now, but keep trying. All the best.

Get the hell gone. Dude is a loser of the first order.

Damn. I mean, DAMN!

Great post, Joey!

Thanks for the advice everyone. Fortunately there aren't any checks going around, he would take whatever cash was in the account out...I mean down to the last penny and then he would go on a swipig spree...he would go fill his tank up, go get food, and i saw a few walmart swipes (wonder what he was gettig at walmart). I went to the bank this morning and spoke to 2 managers, they eventually reduced my overdraft fees from 9 to just 2 so I had to pay $192 to bring the account to zero and it's now closed and there's nothing out there. Thank God he never had the check book. I also spoke to a couple divore attorney and should be meeting with one before the end of september.

Good luck!

Peter Miami

Good Luck !

Update: I've sinced spoken with my attorney, same one processed my GC papers and we're going to be serving him papers sometime around the middle of the month. According to my attorney, luckily he'll be in prison so we'll know exactly where to serve him. If it goes like my attorney plans, by the end of February or sooner I'll be detached from this yutz. As for me, I'm not eligible for the pension with my job until January 1 so he suggested I wait until after the divorce is final to sign up; this way he won't be entitled to JACK!

Sorry to hear the bad news. Everything happens for a reason. Good luck with your future.

sounds like a good plan.

You might also want to consider moving to the other side of the city, so that if the yutz gets released he can't immediately find you. He'll probably be really pissed that his meal ticket has served him while he's been in jail. A restraining order probably would be a good idea too, if they'll give it you.

Am glad to read that you have gotten really good encouraging advice from other VJers and sounds like you have taken the necessary steps to get out of this situation...You mentioned in your previous post that you felt like a "fool" for being with him..I dont think you are fool at all because you have seen the extent of what this man has being doing behind your back now and the choice is yours whether to stay or leave, and you chose to leave so that doesnt make you fool. What would make you a fool is if you stayed and complained but never did anything about it..sounds like you gave him enough chances for him to come correct but he failed so his failure is your opt to get out which means that down the road for you is a big bright future with endless possibilities.....Take care and here's wishing you all the best!

I am so sorry what has happened to you. I know it must be ruff. Hang in there. You still have a long broght future ahead. The guy seems like a real loser an a** so good ridens. Best luck with the attorney and I hope everything works out for u in the end.

[quote name='BelwinMills' date='Sep 3 2006, 09:35 PM' post='421281']
[quote name='missmariemc' post='420030' date='Sep 3 2006, 08:19 AM']
Update: I've sinced spoken with my attorney, same one processed my GC papers and we're going to be serving him papers sometime around the middle of the month. According to my attorney, luckily he'll be in prison so we'll know exactly where to serve him. If it goes like my attorney plans, by the end of February or sooner I'll be detached from this yutz. As for me, I'm not eligible for the pension with my job until January 1 so he suggested I wait until after the divorce is final to sign up; this way he won't be entitled to JACK!
[/quote]

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I'm glad you're being proactive, promptly contacting the attorney.

Just in case you haven't done it, sever ALL financial ties ASAP. Close all joint checking, credit cards, etc. Is your car in your name? Can you get it into your name? When I got divorced I gave my ex- a choice - she got the car and the payments, or I did. In your case, the bank would probably not let him take over the payments. You might have to get a new car loan. It's worth doing, even at a higher rate, if it gets him off the car title and the loan. Also, put a fraud alert or customer comment on your credit history with all 3 credit bureaus.

Tom, CPA

Just a quick update to all. I'm still working on the divorce papers, he's now out on bail. His step mom put her house up as bail (what a fool). Anyway, hopefully by next wednesday I'll be delivering my papers to the Newark Court House. He now says he's gonna ask for spousal support...WHAT A JOKE.