Hello:

My wife and I were married in March She went back to Russia recently and returned about a week ago on an advanced parole.

Ou marraige has been perfect, everything is wonderful. She passed her green card with flying colors, she loves my children and grandchildren(she has two sons nd two grandchildren back in Russia)

All of a sudden two days ago, she quit talking to me...........the only thing I did was complain a little that she was sleeping too much(jet lag I guess) Nothing was differnt when she came home, in fact she was so warm and romantic it was wonderful.

Today I could barely figure out that she was really homesick but will not talk about it. She is not saying she wants to go back or anything but she just stopped talking to me, showing any emotion everything.

Has anyone experienced anything like this I can understand her being homesick, we have talked about it before but always she told me that she loved me more than anything and never wanted to go back to Russia except to visit.

She mumbled somethning about ten days she would be OK but I am really worried. I have over 2 years, $40,000 and my most important of all, my whole heart invested in her. It would just kill me to lose her at this point in my life. She speaks very little English and I speak very little Russian so that makes it even more difficult There are a few other women in the area from Russia but she says she does not want to talk to them.

I have translated several notes to her trying to find out what is going on, she just says do not speak to her right now.

I am devestated.

Any advice anyone....if there are any Russian Women outthere that have gone through this, write me, I will get it translated and print it and give to her.

Thanks, Larry

Larry,

Sounds like a severe case of homesickness brought on by her return home. Quite understandable. If she hasn't given you any reason to distrust her up until now, then I would try to respect her wishes and give her some time to re-adjust.

The number of couples who can't communicate because they don't speak each other's language, quite frankly, continues to amaze me. David is from the UK and technically speaks 'English', but we STILL have our share of mis-communication. I admire those who try to make a go of it... I don't think I could.

Jen

Larry,

When I lived in UK with my husband, I became so homesick that there were days I wouldn't even get out of bed. I didn't feel like talking either. I know it may sound silly but the best and most helpful thing my husband did for me was simply hold me. No words involved. He just let me know he was there for me.

I hope your wife feels better soon!

Larry: This is kinda ... sorta ... normal. My wife goes through these phases from time to time also (she is from Colombia and my Spanish is quite limited.)
My wife was very depressed during Christmas (even though her niece was visiting us!) And from time to time she goes through these cycles. She has done this 3 times in one year (so its not menstrual). Be nice and attentive and this too shall pass. Good Luck

It's weird that you mention how much money she cost. She's not a horse.

I hope she's alright. Just be really nice to her.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just BE there with her. Hold her yes, if that's what she's wanting, but leave her alone if she wants some space as well. I know it's an oxymoron, but sometimes when someone is really attentive, and you really want to be left alone, it's very annoying, and more depressing.

I'm sure she's homesick, and her recent visit and then coming back to the US has made it even more poignant.

While I'm sure you're trying to understand, I really don't know how easy it would be to do that when you've left everything you know to come to another country, and then to not even speak the same language. You commented that you translated a few notes to her asking her what's wrong. Her English, and your Russian must be VERY rudimentary.

I also had a twinge when you mentioned the 2 years and $40,000.00 invested. Yes, you mentioned that you had your whole heart invested and mentioned that was the most important, just that you mentioned the other, and then did that first....*gulp* Hope you've never said that to her!

Give her space...let her know you care.


Carla

Good god, I thought that too! How can one have a relationship if you can't even talk to each other?!?!

Good luck Larry.

I chose not to comment on the $$, but who keeps track of how much someone 'costs'?

Sorry to ask this as it will maybe offend you.... but.... did you buy your wife??? I find it very odd that you dont speak much of her language and she dont speak much of yours... how do you communicate? how can you tell your husband your inner most thoughts if you dont speak his language? how can she tell you her fears and how can you reassure her???

I had to spend a whole day with my husbands russian grandmother and I felt so much out of my depth.. we hardly said two words to each other and she at least understands english although she cant speak it very well....

I wish you both well and hope your wife can resolve the issues she has at this time...

Kezzie

Phew, if my parents decided one day to send me my "bill" I'd be up a creek....Between college, cars, insurance, food, and well....life. I'm sure I cost a pretty penny.

Cass (bebop the great)

Funny... I had added a sentence about the cost of kids, thinking that the OP did't have any, then I went back to re-read his post, saw that he did, and deleted the sentence... thought better of making any more comments.

He's gonna regret having made that comment, I'm afraid. Popcorn anyone?

Sharing with Kezzie. Can someone get me a Diet Coke next time they're up? Thanks.

Hello Everyone:

Thanks for the notes. I am sorry if it bothered some of you what I said about the money. The money is not important to me, I was just making a point, I would spend it all again and a million if I had it and had to. She is the most awesome women I have ever met in my life. I love her dearly I am just so upset right now. Up until 2 days ago I was floating on cloud nine. No she doesn't want me to hold her at the moment so I will just try and be patient and give her the space she wants. It is difficult and it breaks my heart that I can't hold her and comfort her.

Larry

It can be disheartening to not be able to 'fix' things when people we love are hurting... give her the space she needs and stay available when she's ready to re-engage. I'm sure she knows you love her... she's human and feeling conflicted. It doesn't mean she loves you less. She's just been reminded of home, a place where she's spent a lot more time than where she is now. Only natural for her to need some re-adjustment time.

Chin up...

Jen

Just keep loving her and give her the room she needs and this will likely pass. Flowers just because are always a nice suprise. Even better a "honey get your best dress on we are going out for a nice dinner". Really anything to just show her affection, to help her get over this. Going back for a visit and having to leave everyone behind is bound to be tough.

I agree with everyone who said just be there for her - but let her KNOW you are there for her - in case she thinks YOU stopped talking to HER too - let her know you will leave her alone if she WANTS that - but you are also 'cuddle-city' if she needs it. SOmetimes its enough to know the other person is willing to be whatever you need when you feel down - sometimes it says 'I love you' more than words can.
Maybe get someone to write it IN RUSSIAN for her to read in anote - the effort you go to with that might make her feel happy that you went the extra mile to let her know; maybe also plan something she can look forward to that has an American-Russian theme - but I think you are wise to swallow your own hurt (after all she's not doing this 'to you' - its just how she feels right now) and just be her rock.
Best of luck to you both

Two points I would like to make: (if I could presume to be so forward).

1. I understand you would spend the 40k and more all over again...but the fact that you mentioned it shows you have an attitude (even if only in your subconscious) that is not correct, and you need some internal work. And don't ever mention this fact to her, it would kill her.

2. You need to recognize that the language barrier you two have is a brutal hardship...and it will destroy your relationship if it is not defeated. Couples can, and do overcome this hardship, but it takes extreme hard work. And until the work is done, she will be suffering (and you, and your kids). (And in my opinion, it's too late to ask her to do the hard work alone. She needs to make English aquisition a supreme priority in her life, and (iin my humble opinion) you should make Russian aquisition a supreme priority in your own.

Linguistically speaking, you two live on opposite sides of a mountain. If she goes to work tunneling from the other side toward you, you can't very well sit there and not tunnel toward her as well. I speak from experience, and even though the tunnels will never meet (you have to dig all the way through, and so does she) it becomes a labor of love, a joint venture, and when you've reached the other side you have something precious, precious beyond belief.

Roll up your sleeves man. The fact that she is willing to undertake this, shows she has a heart worth fighting for.

Very well said.

Larry,

Heres an idea...you spent 40k on her, now spend another $329 on this for her.

http://www.rosettastone.com/en/individuals...ages/english-us


Then spend another $329 on yourself for this

http://www.rosettastone.com/en/individuals/languages/russian

You can also buy pirated copies on ebay for about 1/3 the price if you are a cheapskate and dont mind pirated copies

Each of you do 2 hours a day (2 lessons) and within 3 months maybe you 2 can have a conversation.
My fiancee speaks excellent english, but im still learning her language just because i love her and I know it will mean alot to her for me to do this.

Learn the russian alphabet first...It should only take maybe 3 or 4 hours to memorize the letters and sounds and to be able to read russian

http://www.languagehelpers.com/Russian/The...anAlphabet.html
http://higbee.net/russian/index.html

Larry I really hope your wife will get to feeling better!
I had the opposite happen to me when I came back from Oregon in February after having spent 3 weeeks with my man there.
We got an apartment and furniture there together ,went and bought a car and then I had to go back to Germany.
And felt like a stranger at my own house, in my "hometown" and among my friends.........
it took me 2 1/2 MONTHS to go back to normal here........
I take it your wife is a "little older" (not trying to be ,mean but if she has Grandchildren she can't be in her 20ies or 30ies.).
I believe the more time you have had in your Home Country,and the more ties you have there,naturally the more you'll be "hurt" when you go to visit your Country and loved ones and have to leave again.No matter how happy you might be with your Spouse in the USA.
Give her some time and show her you understand how she's feeling.
Get her to do some stuff,like going out.
And try to get in touch with some Russian women her age,invite them over.Let them craete a support group (for lack of better word).Like a Russian Evening once a months,with their food and music,maybe even their traditional clothing......Just things that'll show her that she's not alone and that she can still kinda live her Russian personality/ heritage.
Good Luck and all the best for you two!!!!!!!!!
Nat

Larry she is very homesick and to be honest there is proberly not alot you can do to comfort her right now, She needs her space to sort her feelings out, but be assured she obviously loves you very much or she would not of returned from Russia

Just be yourself and treat her just how have always treated her, and when she is ready she will communicate with you

Once she is back to feeling more secure and happy , then take her out for a nice meal etc

Lynny

Larry -- I think you are doing the right thing by being concerned and trying to communicate with her. Learning Russian will certainly help you in the long run -- keep trying to talk to her using whatever medium you have been and things will settle down in a bit. Keep us posted as to what happens after "10 days", OK?

Cheers,
KP

Just keep doing I am sure everything you are doing for her is not going unnotice.... Good Luck in everything