So during your seperation of however many miles it is, your OH develops what seems to be a close (take your mind out the gutter) friendship with someone of the opposite sex...

Issue?

Oops. I voted before I read the post.

Oh well. Answers would be the same, I reckon.

I trust Sian completely. It would not be an issue. I would not be suspicious of her intent. I probably would be a little suspicious of the male friend's intentions, though.

Not an issue..No problem with me..Gary have all my trust completely and Im very confident with our relationship,I know and I believe that I am his One And Only Woman!Besides I have a few male friends and its not a big deal to him.

While I'll admit freely that I'd be a little jealous, especially if said person started taking up the time he'd spend with me usually via the telephone or the internet, I'd still trust him. Harry has made it so very clear to me that I'm the one he wants to be with, and I believe him. I have friends of the opposite sex who are close to me, and he trusts me, so that is very much returned.

An issue? yes. Unless she's tomboyish, nerd or not a threat.

I too trust my husband explicitly. However, that being said... my husbands still keeps in contact with his ex (right before me)..... I trust him... but still bugs me a little I try not to let it... I trust him, but not her. We all know what women can be like....

O/T--Hey-arazia-Did you know there is a Netherlands thread also in Regional disscussions?

Neither of us have friendships with members of the opposite sex (except for married or otherwise unavailable people), and neither of us have any desire to. It's a cultural thing for him, for me it's just the way it is.

Yanno what I find funny......

Overwhelmingly (in the 66% right now) no one would have a probbo
also in the 80% no one would doubt our partners..
yet over 50% would doubt the friend.



I find that akin to when a partner cheats, the other blames the third party. If you trust your partner...that also means trusting your partner to make good judgement calls with people...so why project what (seems to me) as being uncomfortable with a mixed sex friendship onto a person you've never met? Just come outright and say so...because if you doubt the friend, then that 66% is wrong cos ppl are lying, maybe even to themselves

That's just the way I see it!

Friendships can often lead elsewhere.

It does take two to tango, but I've often seen mixed sex friendships where one party clearly has a desire to be more than friends, even if the other party is oblivious to the fact

I would not care if my fiance had a guy friend.. I would trust her .. and I would trust the guy .. because they would know that if he touched her I would stab him .. ahahhaha .. But I know my fiance would never cheat on me and I would never cheat on her.. so no big deal. But again he touches her .. I stab him.

I saw, but most of the conversation seems to be in Dutch. I don't actually understand the Dutch language, my fiancee' speaks quite fluent English so this has never been a problem.

I don't care, tho i'm sure he would tease me with it and that would possibly become annoying.

Of course I agree with you completely...they CAN...but what I'm saying is, people are lying on the poll.

Now it's 64% saying they would be suspicious of the friend yet 80% wouldn't be suspicious of the partner. Why suspicion on another person? Why place the 'sinister motives' on the other individual only?

But my main point is 64% have a probbo with the friend, yet 60% say there would be no issue with the friendship. To me, these two figures contradict each other. If you have a suspicion then you have problem -I'm not saying this in the 'you have a problem with yourself' insulty way, but suspicion is a problem, no? it denotes that you're not entirey comfortable with a situation.

So if there's a problem, it's an issue

Well, I have a friend who's fiance had an affair with a "friend", got pregnant and had an abortion. She didn't tell her fiance about (she told him she is a virgin). Now she's in the US with him and due to be married in a month. The rumors are getting around and making their way back to him but he doesn't believe it.

Looks like a "train wreck" about to happen here, folks ...

Now here we are talking about your fiancé “DEVELOPING", (key word), a new relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Did he/she initiate it? Actually it doesn't matter. How many of you enjoy sex here? Honestly? A long absence? A new friendship? Now this isn't someone that he or she has known prior to the relationship, which would somewhat qualify the friendship, like an acquaintance, friend of the family or such. Why would you develop a new relationship? Personally I believe this could or would present a temptation. It would be, in simple terms, like leaving the cookie jar exposed in front of the kids, and while we are not children, we are never the less being and allowing ourselves to be subjected and exposed to temptation. So the answer is you either do or you don't have a relationship and relationships truly need to be equally yoked. Why cast doubts. Come on now! They say that love is blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid, right? Myself I will avoid this type of situation because even if my fiancé doesn’t say anything it could present doubt. Also remember perception is reality to many.
Just one writers opinion.

Now here we are talking about your fiancé “DEVELOPING", (key word), a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Did he/she initiate it? Actually it doesn't matter. How many of you enjoy sex here? Honestly? A long absence? A new friendship? Now this isn't someone that he or she has known prior to your relationship which would somewhat qualify the friendship, like an acquaintance, friend of the family and such. Why would you develop a new relationship? Personally I believe this could or would present a temptation. It would be, in simple terms, like leaving the cookie jar exposed in front of the kids, and while we are not children, we are never the less being and allowing ourselves to be subjected and exposed to temptation. So the answer is you either do or you don't have a relationship and relationships truly need to be equally yoked. Why cast doubts. Come on now! They say that love is blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid, right? Myself I will avoid this type of situation because even if my fiancé doesn’t say anything it could present doubt. Also remember perception is reality to many.
Just one writers opinion.

Where does trust come into play, though?

My fiance' had a large group of friends in his dorm in Italy and many members of this group were girls. I never believed anything was "going on" between him and any of these girls, and I've met them all when I visited, but it always made me uncomfortable because, as I saw/see it, they were all so much more stylish, beautiful, feminine, well-groomed, and THIN (!) than I am (or than I consider myself to be) and it made me uncomfortable to hang around with them/hear about him hanging around with them because by comparison, I knew I must seem very ugly and unattractive. I mean, these girls would spend 2 - 3 hours before leaving the house applying layers of make-up and fussing over their clothing and they always look so radiant when they're finally ready to "get the show on the road." Including a shower, it usually takes me like 40 - 60 minutes. If I'd already showered, it takes me like 10 - 15 and the best look I can ever conjure for myself would best be desribed as "plain" lol. I know from past experiences that my fiance' really appreciates the kind of look that these lady friends have and I think he wishes I were more that way; *I* say that not everyone is the same and that I will never be that kind of person (who fusses over herself so much). I wear make-up, etc. but only like 1/5th what these friends of his slather on everyday.

I realize none of this was my fiance's fault or the fault of his friends and that it IS my problem, but I guess the "having a problem with it" for me was based upon my own insecurities and not on my trusting him or not. I also know that you should try not to compare yourself with other people, but I often can't help it, especially around people like his "amiche" who spend SO much time on themselves and are so pretty. I would often make excuses during my visits to Italy NOT to spend time with them, evne though they were always pleasant enough, (i.e. fake stomach aches/head aches) because I felt stupid/bad being like "Yeah, sorry, but I can't hang around such beautiful girls; I look so homely by comparison and it's embarassing for both you and me."

So, basically: Yes, I WOULD have a problem with it if my fiance' developed another friendship with a girl, esp. if it was a one-on-one situation and she were anything like his friends in Italy (so pretty, etc) but not because I don't trust him not to cheat.

I would only be suspicious of the friends' *intent* The poll only asks about his/her intent, not whether I think anything would happen. I trust Sian to not fool around. That is unshakable. Her "intent" is not in question. However, I wouldn't know the friend, so I could have no idea of his "intent".

The poll askes if one would have an issue with it....and if you are suspicious, I'm thinking that's a problem.

I agree with Lisa.

I'm not going to tell you how I answered the poll. But to me, if you are going to be REALLY PAINFULLY HONEST with yourself - well having a problem with the 'friend' means you have a problem.

I think it's a woman thing. Some of the guys are going to disagree with me, but I believe women are much more intuitive than men when it comes to personal matters and are usually better able to discern motives. Sure some women are the jealous type. But most aren't. Woman just have relationship radar and it's impossible to turn it off.

So then you have a problem. Your radar is going off, but you don't want to discuss it with your man, cause you don't want him to think you are a screaming jealous banshee.

I consider myself the "jealous type" and I realize that my jealousy stems from my own insecurities, so I try not to bombard my fiance' with every jealous feeling I have. Instead, I try and figure out in my own mind what exactly is bothering me and 9/10 times, I'm feeling badly about myself and projecting those feelings onto the situation, or something else that has nothing to do with what my fiance' is/is not doing.

Seen it lived it. Had a best friend of the opposite sex for years. When he found out Tim and I were marrying, his motives changed. It is a shame because I really did care for him very much, but did not feel comfortable continuing with a friendship.

Then why do so many women end up with jerks and a$$hats?

Cuz that's what they really want deep down, right?


And actually, after giving it some more thought, I would want to change my vote. I originally voted that it would be an issue, I wouldn't be distrustful of my SO's intentions, and I would be distrustful of the other woman's intentions. To be honest, I wouldn't trust my husband's intentions if he were to befriend a woman, because it's not something that he thinks is appropriate, that is, friendship with the opposite sex. If he were to suddenly think that it was OK, I would think that something must be up...

...and it's no, nay, never...

I trust my husband. I trusted him when we were 3500 miles apart and had no idea where our relationship was headed. He has female friends. Some of them are hotter than me. Some of them are attracted to him-he's an attractive guy. Some are both at once.

The bottom line is that I feel that my husband would never have any kind of inappropriate relationship with another woman. Period. Whether or not she was interested-all I see in her interest would be a reaffirmation of my own good taste!-or whether or not he was oblivious, I still would trust him. It makes no difference to me; I know I'm the one in his life, the one he wants, the one he fought for and in the end, won. There's a lot of security in that.

No, No, Yes being my votes, I thought I'd explain a little.

It wouldn't be an issue because I'd be a complete hypocrite. My best friend (who I really don't see that often, but we go out about 3 times a year to concerts and whatnot) is a male, and actually an ex. My fiance has no problem with it, he knows I have no interest in this guy in that way anymore (And he also knows that the ex also cheated on me, so that probably helps him know I wouldn't go back with him). I do have to wonder if my fiance, however, ever worries that when I am out with a friend if they might force themselves on me or something, but I'm assuming that's a bit covered in the last question.

The reason I voted yes on the third isn't because I'd actually think the new friend had bad intentions, it's just that I'd be more suspicious of them in comparison to my fiance, only because I don't know the new friend at all, so I don't know her intentions. I know his intentions, I don't know hers, basically.

If something did happen, I'm definately not the type to blame the third party only, as evidenced with other relationships in which I have been cheated on. My anger was more towards my boyfriends at the time, not the other people they cheated on me with.

I'd like to add that since my last vote was a no...

Why would it matter what her intentions were; she'd not get to act on them short of rape. That, of course, would be a whole different ballgame...

Well, I don't know, but maybe you work with somone that you become friends with. Maybe you meet someone and just plain get along with them. There may be nothing sexual between the two people. Just becuase a man and a woman spend time together, or share a laugh, doesn't mean they are going to end up sleeping together.

Maybe it's different because when I met my fiance I knew he had lots of female friends, but it doesn't bother me at all. He's not like that. He has a band member who is a girl (of course she is also practically married to a friend of his). We ran into a few female friends of his in the mall. No big deal.

Anyway, maybe it's different because I am in a mostly male industry, so most of my work friends are guys. So I don't see opposite sex friendships as weird. And that doesn't bother him either.

Yes
No
Yes

I trust my wife, and no she will never do anything to harm our marriage, but she is smoking Hot so i am sure a lot of blokes want to be-friend her,

If he had a female friend before me I would expect their friendship to slow down. If he developed a new female friend after me I would not be impressed at all.

You know, maybe it depends on the culture of your SO. Mine is Scandanavian and I think they are more gender-equal in general, so male-female friendships are often just friendships and nothing more. In an Asian culture I think a male-female friendship doesn't exist as much, so it might arise suspicion.

And if he gets bored of you, there's always the local brasshouse for some fresh slut.

Voted yes on all three counts.
My better half gets very depressed when he's away from me for long and he needs "female company" not for sexual reasons but just bc he likes the company of a woman.
Right now we don't have any problems with that since he's staying with our best friends and the woman is one of my closest friends .But when I was told that Robin is just SOOOOOO much like me,I did get a little worried.Especially since my man knows our friends for a lot longer than I do (he was stationed here in Germany and the guy was in his unit).
But I know that Jim would not do anything for the simple fact that number one he misses me like crazy and can't be without me and he knows that if he was to do something stupid he would never see me again.He wont take that risk.
But if there was a friend of the opposite sex (not Robin) that I don't know,yeah I'd worry about HER intentions.My man is a very good looking ,well mannered,caring Sweetie and I know sooner or later that friend would fall for him.
As for my part,
I do not have close friends of the opposite sex.Some male friends I have are gay and the other is married.I don't believe in friendships with the opposite sex.It always gets complicated (talking from experience).Being friends with married couples is fine,but I would worry if the guy would show more interest in having me as a friend than my man,would be the same if the woman would be more interested in my better half's friendship than in mine.
With our friends mentioned above,Jim and Nate have a very strong friendship and Robin is giving my better half the female company he needs (as in the female point of view) .I don't have much to do with Nate since I don't feel right developing a close friendship with another male but Robin and me are close especially since we're so much alike.And I know she would never touch my man.
Nat

My husband and I had a problem with this before. And still do. I trust him just not the other girl. once before a girl actually kissed him right in front of me! and he wonders why I hate when I learn of a new girl friend

For everyone who is ok with their OH having a friendship with a person of the opposite sex, just another wrinkle: how would you feel about them going out for dinner and drinks with that friend? Just the two of them? Or even going away for a weekend together, even if they were staying in separate hotel rooms?

I think the same thing. so javed could have all the friends he want- dont bother me.

so you'd have no problem with him spending the weekend with a female friend?

It would have been an issue for us if either of us had developed a new close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, and spent time one on one with them hanging out. It's just not something either of us would have done while in a relationship. I have some guy friends that I have known since high school and we are all close, but lots of them are married now too so there'd be no reason why I'd only hang out with the guy when I am good friends with their wives too.

There are exceptions though. There are two guys I am friends with that I have known since I was a little kid, so they are kind of like cousins to me. When Sujeet was in India, I would give a ride to one of them back to college often on my way for a class, since we went to the same college but he lived on campus(I didn't) and needed a ride back there from our town. Never thought of that as weird since he is like a cousin to me, and Sujeet didn't care. But that wasn't a new close friendship. It was a long term family-like friendship. I didn't hang out with them alone on the weekends, then it would have been weird IMO.

If Sujeet had made a new close friend that was a girl while in India, it would be weird because that's not him at all and not really his culture. He had some buddies, but never really had close friends that were girls besides his 4 sisters. Now in the US, if he went alone somewhere with my sister or girl cousin or my closest friends, it wouldn't be weird at all. They don't do that ever, but let's say they need his help getting something or picking something up, they are all family or like family so it's not weird.

He wouldn't, he's too scared of me j/k

Not an issue. We completely trust and respect each other.

I completely trust her. She is totally Jealous.

lol

I trust him completely. I don't trust other women around him, call me jealous, insecure, sue me, whatever, I just don't.

honey, please put down the shotgun and chainsaw.......

Next on Dr. Phil... LOL!!!

My best friend of 15 years is of the opposite sex, and I let my girl friend and now fiancee know this immediately. She had a couple jealous moments. But since my fiancee has arrived in the U.S. they've become good friends and she realizes that my friend and her family are extended family.