OK, I have been absent quite a bit since Anh arrived and most of that is because we are busy. Some of it has been because we are having some trouble. For about 10 days everything was sensational. We were so happy it was insane. But that all changed when we went to New York City. She was not happy about the tourisity places we went that Saturday, disliked Time Square (she asked to go and see it), hated the crowds in Chinatown (she asked to go there) and thought the subways were "dirty and terrible."

So that night we gout out to dinner with my best friend and his fiancee and have a nice time. After it is very late. She wants to walk around but I am not at all familiar with the area so I ask my friend to drop us off near his place and that way I can walk Anh and I around an area I know and will not get lost in. Bad idea, apparently, because this made Anh angry. She simply could not understand why we could not explore a non-touristy section of NYC, at night. I tried to explain this thing called crime and that not knowing anything about where we were, it was not safe. Long story short, she was "disappointed" in me as a person, disbelieved everything I told her about crime in NYC and to make me feel bad, told me she regretted coming to the USA. Needless to say, I was stunned and terribly hurt by this, especially when she started to act like I was not a full man. It was like she was a different person. Please understand that she said some really rude, nasty things to me and they were all undeserved. At no time was I nasty to her, nor did I ever raise my voice at all.

On top of this, after a much better day on Sunday in areas of NYC she liked, Anh told me she wanted to live in Manhattan because there is much more to do. She was talking about Tribecca area and you cannot find a more expensive place to live. She flat out could not understand that you need to make at least six figures to live there. "How can your an apartment so small cost $3,500 a month when one much bigger is just $200 in Saigon? Why can we not find something not as nice for only $1,000?" It was impossible to explain to her because she would not believe what was said.

Very quickly I have learned that Anh is a stubborn woman. VERY stubborn. To a fault. She admits this. She admits that she will say things to someone just to hurt them and in my case that is, "I want to go home." Hours later she will make a half apology and say she doesn't want to go home. But it is clear that Anh is nowhere near as mature as I thought she was. She's 26, but not when it comes to relationships.

We have had a lot of problems since. Every other day has gone badly with three more occassions of Anh using the "go home" statement. To her own admission, she wants her way, even if she is wrong and while she wants to change, she says it is hard. Making this all worse is her hating where we live because it is nothing like she expected, despite my repeatedly trying to make her understand before she said yes to coming. In her mind she thought I was exagerating about it being a small town and imagined it to be more like a small city in Europe. She says she may not have the patients to wait until September of 2007 when she can likely study at a big university, which would allow us to move to a city.

She worries about her studies because it looks like she cannot go to school until she has her green card (I am still trying to figure that one out). She worries about her family and how they will survive without her income. She worries about her brother and how can he get another $600 he needs for a bribe to get a good job he really needs (the bribe thing really disgusts me about Veitnam). But she worries so much she becomes angry.

On our good days it is a wonderous thing. Yesterday was just such a lovely day. But the wedding is Saturday and I fear that this stubborn streak in her could kill us sooner and not later. I spent far more time with Anh in France and Germany and Vietnam than most here do before they propose and like all of you, we talked on the phone or webcam for countless hours a week. Never did I see this side of her. I'm so depressed that I am sick to my stomach with worry. Not to mention the wedding is disappinting her because in Vietnam weddings have hundreds of people, but we will have just a fraction of that.

Basically, I am asking for advise, opinions, experience. Especially from those of you who have been with or are with Vietnamese women. Please understand that I do love this woman and believe she loves me, but I am uncertain if she has the ability to make this work. Believe me, I am bending over backwards to make that happen.

I wrote this quickly and did not check for spelling booboos, so please forgive me if it is a mess.

Matt, Matt, Matt............

I hear your pain, I lived in VN for 5 years.

I dated my wife 4 years before we finally got married.

I'm very very LUCKY but we still have communication problems.

My opinion, the Fiancee Visa with a SE Asian women can be very challenging.

Take a deep breath, don't over react to her statements, and think "one day at a time"........

First, I will be direct with you. I have had another Vietnamese girlfriend before Thanh. My experience goes back several years being around VN people. Here is what I get from your situation. Please...remember, I am being very direct about this with my countless trials with these past two woman.

1) Most VN woman before age 29 are pretty much too young still.
2) If you don't put your foot down, she will run all over you.
3) If you don't take charge, she will take charge for you.

It sounds harsh, but believe me, if you do the last two things, somehow she will magically come down to earth.

Lastly, if she keeps talking about going back home....this is all about testing you, testing your love, testing your manhood...because she is immature (see number 1). You have to put your foot down, don't ask her what she wants to do, tell her and end it like that. Eventually she will come around, but this is the only way my 10+ VN guy friends told me about these younger immature woman.

There is a stereo type in VN about "American" men being too "Soft" and easy to be ran over.

Once they feel you are not strong, very very very hard to get out of that hole.

Peace be with you brother.

CB's #1 assessment is SPOT on!

An emotional teenager with minimal rational & logical capabilities living inside a beautiful ADULT body.

Many a foreign men living and working in VN discuss this concept frequently.

Not all VNs women have this characteristic, BUT a lot of them have these "non-western" characteristics.

This should be a lifelong commitment... if you have any doubts about it now, consider whether the timing is right for you to be making such a commitment.

Jen

Hmm, so much of this sounds so familiar.

The first week of my relationship with Nicole was one of the most interesting of my life. We got into unbelievable arguements over nothing. Nicole's problem in the beginning as far as I could tell was that nobody had ever said a negative thing to her in her life other than her mother and she really took me saying I didn't like something she did ---BAD. She had tantrums the likes of which I had never witnessed before- and like you are seeing- this was a side of her I had never seen before. In fact the only time I can say I ever witnessed behavior like that was when I saw my 6 year old cousin freak out.

What I can tell you is that over time it got better. We had a rough first year. Gradually she began to chill out and realize more where I was coming from until finally now she's got me, and I've got her. Takes time and a lot of unexpected lessons, but in another year and a half, you should be fine.

OK, this is freaky. Today one of my dearest friends (a Vietnamese woman) called me to go over the challenges of the differing cultures, etc. She was wanting me to be sure about what things could be like in the future. She raised some of the same issues that you are talking about Matt.

Another note: my ex-wife was originally from eastern Europe. She had only been in the US briefly when we met. She went through the same "sticker shock" and disbelief about crime. We were in Atlanta and she wanted to walk around Centennial Park at 1am. She didn't get the fact that it wasn't the same as when she same it on the Olympics.

You've got to help her acclimate to the US and the difference between Manhattan and where you are at in CT(?). Thankfully she's traveled some outside of VN. So she knows something other than her homeland.

Her world is upside down now. All the pre-wedding jitters. Take in all the advice from the VJ'ers and apply that to your specific relationship. Work hard and your marriage will be great.

well you do have almost a full 90 days left so I would say cancel the wedding and the next time she says I want to go home call her on it and take her to the airport.

I was married for a long time to a women from a very very different culture that when women did not listen instantly to the husband they got the crap kicked out of them. I could never bring my self to do this so over time my X lost all respect for me and ended up throwing me out. I still do not think she understands why we got devoriced.

Vietnam is a different culture but almost american compaired to what I lived in for 10 years. You must control the situation or it will control you to the detriment of both of you.

If she has traveled in europe and can not get that new york prices are different then sigon she is deffenitly 26 working on 12 and all the bueauty in the world can not overcome that type of a problem. Face it once you have your honeymoon roll with her the reality of a 12 year old in a very beautiful women's body will really hit home hard.

If the shock of canceling the wedding and taking her to the airport to get a ticket for her does not bring her into humble reality put her on a plane back.

If canceling the wedding does bring on some reality I would recommand getting the John Gottman DVD The art and science of love(a workshop for couples)

I took it with me last time to Vn and my Fiencee' and I watched it a few hours every day it was a real eye opener and really gives some very very good tools for making ones marrage scessuful. One eye opener was that he feels 69% of all marital problems are unsolveable!!!!! Anyway it is a nice way to spend time toghere and help understand each other better and gives some really good ideas on how to always grow your Love so I highly recommand it even if no problems exist. Also if she was to refuse to participate in that kind of a thing that would really show you how hard it really will be.


Best of luck an remeber alittle embarrisment over a canceled wedding is nothing if it

#1 brings you closer toghere and saves the relationship or
#2 save you from a life of hell

Very good advice.

Yep... woodgc said what I was trying to say, only much more elaborately.

Jen

Hi Matt,

Everything happens for a reason. I wish you both strength and patience.

STL_HCMC

Hope things work out for the best. Her issues may be arising from the shock of leaving her family behind, and learning a whole new culture.

Yes, "Everything happens for a reason" is one way of dealing with it?

OR

Similar to dalegg, I used to say myself "Why am I aruging about this?", It's meaningless?

My suggestion: Do NOT over-react to her irrational statements. Just say...."Ok Anh", "sure honey" and move on to the next thing. Don't take everything she says so literal. If she's stubborn, then let her cry or do whatever? Don't over-react to her defiance, hug her and say "I understand" (she'll probably push you away)

I think, trying to overly control her won't help
" " " " answer her every wimp won't help.
" " " " logically expaining your yourself/actions in a "western" manner won't help. (at this time)

One day at a time.......................

Now is when Matt needs a "rally" because this is the reality

I think I've said that a few dozen times before

good luck matt. i would think that she has a better understanding of why cost of living is more expensive here than in Saigon when she had had lived in Europe before. i think she's just picking a fight just because she can.
i agree with that one who guy said to not letting her run over you. most women will do that, if you let them. i notice i do that with my fiance too and when he lets me get away with things i usually take it to another level...but somehow he knows when to put the brakes so i just stop...then i'll try again and see what i can get away with. j/k.
you can't expect EVERYTHING to go as smoothly as you would hope. i just hope the "adjustment" period won't ruin you both. take care.

Just a quick update Matt,

My Angel saw my post and after apperently many reads she said she agrees with me but reminded me I only was hearing one side of the coin. I thought to myself boy I of course know this and am completely unbias but as my lady is very smart and my best friend I listen to her comments and thought it best to reread what I said and what you said.

So the alpha male in me skipped over a very very Glaring thing you said and that is:

" I do love this woman and believe she loves me, but I am uncertain if she has the ability to make this work. Believe me, I am bending over backwards to make that happen. "

WOW 100% her fault at 26, in a foreign country, has lived a sheltered life, a virgin, etc. etc. etc. You both need a reality check!!!

First I am not in any way trying to flame you but life says you are the man and you will be guiding the lady through her life so start doing it. There is no group discussing walking in a unknown street at 1am just let her know if she wants sex with a group of men that is the best way to go about it. I find hard cold facts are best.

She does not understand the cost of rent so we can assume she has no understanding of taxes. Does she realize that when you sell some of your writtting for say 100 grand that you may or may not get 60 grand when its all finished???? I am sure your laughing at my figures but why not dream of being a rich writter then a poor one! I say this because my Lady is absolutly brillent and very good with figures and we have had many talks about taxs and she understands somewhat but only to the level that a big part of your Gross pay is taken by the goverment. Other less astute people would think you are hiding the money giving it to some other girl etc etc etc. My fiencess' sister lives in the same area as I do and has repetely asked me never to discuss her finiances with anyone back in Vn except my future Vo'; she feels they will not in anyway understand her gross pay virse her net pay. Does your lady understand you work is a feast or famine type of employment???? That is how mine is and it is very very hard for many people to grasp

My Princess thought that the DVD recommondation was right on. we have no major problems but we learned so much from it and I think you could also. I also gave my Lady a copy of Men are from mars wemon are from venus and she found it extreamly helpful we read it at the same time and had lots of long talk on our female male differencence. She decided to rename it men are illogical women are logical

As far as the wedding just let her know it is impossable to have a large wedding in the USA and offer any time she wants you both can return to Vn and have that big beautiful wedding; Do it on your 5 or 10 annaversity let her decide. This is apperently common my future sister in law was married in a court house here and then sevserl years later when it all worked out had a big 200 person wedding in Vn so it is done and even though my Sweetheart has said the engagement party was enough and a simple weeding is all she wants in the USA any time she decides she does want a big wedding in Vn I will be happy to do that.

$600 for her brothers job??? Get the money and send it down and get rid of a large stress of what is a very very stressfull time for her. Let her know it is alot of cash but you want to help her family and make her happy and of course help yourself at the same time.

I still think I would delay the marrage. Since we do not know how much rooling in the hay you have done with her I would say to ask your self this very serious question. After the wedding night and you have had your spin with a very very beautiful women the curesity will all be gone and she will always be the same naked body from here on out with, the slowly matureing mind. Sex can be graet but will she be your best friend you spirtual partner will she fight for and with you in life or will it be against??

You still have several weeks left on her visa let her know how important marraige is to you and the life long commerment you both are makeing and spend that time really getting your relationship squared away.

Good Luck

Thank you all for your well wishes and support. There is much advice beiong given here that is worth my time to think about and use. Things have been interesting since I started this thread. Last night I pretty much put my foot down about everything. I said what I would and would not do and told her what I would and would not accept and if she didn't like it, the wedding is off. I sent $500 to Vietnam and made it clear not a penny more will come from my pocket until we move to North Carolina and even then it will be a while because I have to get settled. In detail I explained cost of living issues here in CT and what I make, what is taxed, what I spend on my mortgage, insurance, etc. She was shocked and admitted that because she has never had the responsibility of taking care of herself she just could not understand these issues. Last night was an excellent breakthrough in communication.

This morning we had our third meeting with the pastor who will perform the ceremony on Saturday and it was very useful, like the first two. The pastor is very open to non-Christian beliefs and Anh feels very comfortable with him, though not in talking about certain subjects of course.

Afterwards she said to me that she treated her ex-boyfriend much in the same way and that all they did was fight. She apologized and talked a great deal about how she thinks she needs to grow up and become a woman. Long story short, we had an exceptional dialogue, one that really made us feel better about all of this.

This afternoon she asked my father to walk her down the aisle, something that surprised me because she is so shy. But she wants to be closer to my family, so I am thankful for this.

As I write this I am being called to dinner. She's cooking up a storm right now, so I need to go. Just know that things are moving forward. I feel OK. I think we will get married on Saturday. Hopefully I can post back here Friday, but it's hard to get onto the computer. I will keep you all posted.

Thanks once again for all the well wishes.

Matt,

I am extremely proud of you for putting your foot down. Be aware that she will attempt at to break that foot several times. It sounds you have your head on straight about it. Just don't get down when things fall off the cliff once in awhile.

Be her husband first, it is your responsibility to guide the family through the journey, and be her friend second.

Good luck brother.

Great to hear it is working out

My Lady did tell me Love will solve all problems.


One thing I learned from living and traveling overseas for years was do not assume anything what she says she understands, she may not; what you think she understand she may not; what you think she does not understand she may understand very well. Never get anger or at least show it let some time pass before you react as you may just be missunderstanding.

A few times when my Lady did something that bothered me I waited and relized we were on 2 very different pages. If I had not waited I would have made some really incorrect assmtions maybe said some very wrong things and hurt her feelings unnessarly.

It took me 9 months to learn that what I thought had been a very funny provicative astute joke on my Angels part was not ment as a joke at all but was some very incorrect information that a freind had told her about americans.

I will leave with with this one example from my X wife.

The X always said and did things that I could not every win at i.e. a Catch 22 stuation I for many years thought that prased summed up many behaviors of the miltary and also weman. After listening to me say this remark for over 8 years one day I used it for a sisiuation I do not recall but the end result was that she started screaming "Catch 22 Catch 22 Catch 22 you think you are so smart you think you are such a smart american and say all these things that know ones knows or understands!!!!!!!!!!!"
I then realized that here was a women that had for the better part of 10 years listen to a phrase and had no idea what it ment - she had a bachlors and a masters from two american universities. It was a real eye opener; and very funny, I will add.

So please do not assume anything and please reread what you said in your first post

" I do love this woman and believe she loves me, but I am uncertain if she has the ability to make this work. Believe me, I am bending over backwards to make that happen. "

Go to her an apoligize for not shareing at least 80% of the blame.



Have a Great and Beautiful wedding


God Bless

I THOUGHT I WOULD ADD ANY OF YOU GUYS THAT READ THIS AND HAVE HAD YOUR LADIES IN THE STATES AWHILE: PLEASE HELP US OTHER GUYS OUT AND TELL US WHAT THE LADIES HAD PROBLEMS WITH THAT WAS UNEXPECTED

THANKS

Good luck Matt,
I'm sorry to hear about these problems. Take care of yourself,
Sarah

Matt & Anh, today is the day!!!

Have a wonderful ceremony. And give each other all the support and love to make it the beginning of a wonderful marriage!!

Best wishes !!!!

Well,

It's all over but the cryin' now, eh? Nobody had any reason to object or anything at the last moment? We have a marriage now? Actually, he better NOT be on VJ on his wedding night!

yeah good thing he's not here!

my husband still uses the "i want to go back to syria" crap every time something doesnt go his way. i get so sick of hearing it i just say "go" and then he dont say it again for a while. i know it hurts but its just an answer to all their problems.

good luck on the wedding

I am very glad (and proud) of what you did. You were very mature in handling the situation. Wishing you a happy marriage!

Another explaination to this could be is that she has PMS. That's what my friends, who are girls, tell me when my fiance suddenly turns angry.

wood, can't talk now. too dangerous. fear opposition is watching.

That is too damn funny!!!

3 Days after the supposed wedding day.... No news is good news????

Perhaps, He can't make bail

Hope all went well for your wedding

Don't worry. All went well. It was a great day. But the day after I came down with some kind of bug and I am sick as a dog and in excrutiatiing pain all over my body. I feel like I went 12 rounds with Evander Holyfield.

By the way, she DID have PMS when she snapped on my last week. So that made it worse.

Now excuse me while I pass out. It was difficult just getting to the office to type this.

PMS? tranquilizers and a muzzle should help that....joking.

Were you refering to a dog muzzle or a gun???? I would try #1 first and then if that does not work??????????

Interesting fact about the PMS.... Shouldn't you have known about that while she was having it? Future ref. needs to know it just in case they ask you at the AOS interview.

Hope you feel better Steve... thank god you got sick after and not during or before..

Yes, couples need to share information about their cycles. It should be on the calendar on your fridge.

I think the empty boxs of twinkies and 45cal ammo on the floor, the soft but firm evil giggle of "come here sweetheart", her soft but cold voice asking "how are you doing?" followed by a almost silent click sound should all be indications of Major PMS and no post note on fridge needed to understand this P.s. The Fridge is good cover for smaller calibers.

Good Luck and Why are you going to the office??????????????????????????

My brother and his friends call the bathroom their "office".

Steve

Matt

STL_HCMC



Hi Matt,

Congratulations and glad to hear all went well. Too bad about the sickness - especially after just getting married

STL_HCMC

BTW, don't let them use PMS as an excuse to be a biotch to you... NO WAY!

Yeah, way!!

Interesting post, BTW!

Congratulations on your wedding, Matt! Wish you all the very best!!

Thuy & Bob

Would you believe that the day after the wedding I got VERY sick and that on Tuesday Anh got sick and come to find out she somehow got Viral Meningitis! (not bacterial, which is the deadly one) I had to take her to the emergency room two nights ago and they had to do a spinal tap.

She is so sick right now. It seems that life just wants to keep kicking us in the balls. Normally the fever would have broken by now, but with Anh it is really being a pest. She's 102 as I write this.

Just pray for us, everybody.

I hope everything turns out for the better. Just remember though, better she is here and get treatment than in VN to get the treatment...in VN they probably would try to rub that green crap on her that smells like ben-gay and tell her to eat a snake heart or something to cure it.

Hi Matt,

Wow! Sorry to hear this news. Wishing for a speedy recovery for you both!

STL_HCMC