Hello all.

I just stumbled in here from Google, searching desperately for something of use. Before I go any further, I will explain the situation.

My friend, let's call her Nancy, moved here on a K-1 Visa last year in September, from a Scandinavian country. She got married to a fella who we shall call David.
Nancy is my best friend - I am desperate to try to help her at this point.

Well, let's see now, to tell you the gist of it without making you read a wall of text...

Well, Nancy married David a month or so after she had arrived. Shortly after they got married, David started to drink heavily, and when he's drunk, he becomes verbally abusive, and lately, he's become dangerous. He drinks every day - even when he has to go to college or work the next day. Of course, most of the time he doesn't even go to classes since he's still drunk, drinking until four in the morning only to get up at six and actually try to go to school.

They have no money, and Nancy often has to ask his parents, whom they live with, for money for feminine products when that time rolls around, since David spends the little money he gets from food stamps, student loan and his job at McDonalds on alcohol. He drinks every single day.

Lately; the last couple of months or so, David has started to get more and more worrying while drunk. He goes into furious tantrums if she even looks at him when he's drunk, at which he starts to scream and threaten to beat her up.
Today, she called me, crying, since David had gotten drunk and forced her into the car, to take her on something that he called "the ride of her life".
He drove out on the highway with her in the car, paying no heed to the fact that she was terrified and crying all the time. He did about 120mph, zipping in and out of traffic, dangerously close to crashing a number of times. She told me that she hoped that they would get pulled over by a policeman, but no such luck.

When they finally got home, he started to shove her around, ultimately telling her if she came into the house, he would kill her. So she had to sit outside until his parents (Who don't really care about the way their son treats her) nonchalantly told her to come inside again.

So tonight, I spent the night on the phone with her. She can hardly get online to talk to me anymore either, since that apparently pisses him off as well. Only times she can really call me is when he's fallen asleep after his drunken ravings.

She's in Illinois, I'm in Florida - if it wasn't for the distance, i'd go get her immidiately. I'm going to wire her the money so that she can go home to Scandinavia; at this point, she wants nothing more than to just go back there, even if she gave up her whole life there to move here to be with him whom she once loved.
All the travel stuff aside, she only has one concern. Again, she wishes not to stay in the US, she just wants to go home again. Since they've been married such a short time, she doesn't even have her Alien Resident card yet, no Employment Authorization (He used all the money for those forms on alcohol. I am sure you guessed already).
So she really has no status in the US at all. She cannot work, cannot drive, cannot do anything.

In any case, she just wants to go home, and I want her to as well. If she stays with him, she will end up dead.

Her problem is that she wants to still to be able to come back to the US as a tourist - to just visit me for a week or two like any long-distance friends or family might do.
However, as I understand it, if you are the foreign spouse of an American and file for divorce before five years has gone since the marriage date, you are deported, and banned from ever returning to the US, even as a tourist?

If it indeed is that way, does anyone know if there are any extenuating circumstances to that rule? Considering that she is in fact being abused, she is unhappy, and she really doesn't want to stay in the States. I know it would be a different story if she'd still want to stay in the States, but she does not.

I have tried searching for a similar situation, I am sure there are some, but I haven't been able to find any answers, and at this point, I am desperate for help for Nancy's sake.

If anyone knows anything that might be of help, I would strongly appreciate it, and Nancy would too. Please help. Thank you.


/ Mrs. V.T.

P.S... I am deeply sorry if I posted this in the wrong section - I thought this would be the most appropriate place for it. If it's not, I am very sorry.

The first thing is to help her get out of there as fast as possible. Don't worry about the issue of returning to the US as a tourist later. If you are sending her money to go to Scandinavia, you could just as easily send money for her to go to Florida and be with you. Then you could deal with any legal issues from there. Maybe your friend could find some proof of the binge drinking- credit card receipts, etc. Then the second thing is to report the domestic abuse to the authorities and get a restraining order.
First you need to get your friend to a safe loaction. Then start thinking about the next step. Tell your friend never to get in the car with her husband again.

Get her to florida and then find a Lawyer who will see her for a free consultation to get advice on where she stands..... once she has that information she can then decide what she wants to do.... The most important thing is to get her somewhere safe....

Kezzie

First off if I am not mistaken if the marriage is that bad she can file for AOS herself.. (with legal help) Someone please correct me if I am wrong. I suggest the same bring her to you first. but that is me.

If there is proof of his abuse, and IF she wished to remain in the USA, there is an option to petition for residency via VAWA. However, it seems from your post that she wishes to leave. I'm not aware of any prohibition for a future tourist visa. All she would have to do is inform USCIS that she is no longer pursuing legal residency at this time.

You might also look into the posssibility of having the marriage annulled based on drunkenness and/or deception on the part of the husband. They've only been married a short time, better now than later. The other posters are correct--your friend will not lose any future chance to visit the US as a result of leaving an abusive husband.

But since she hasn't filed for AOS, wouldn't she be considered out of status since she's been here so long?

not really no. The law for K1 is to just be married within 90 days of entry, there is nothing (AFAIK) within that law that states exactly when they should apply for AOS. Officially she's just sort of in limbo, no status, but not technically illegal either.

I'd do as someone above suggested, get her to Florida first, consult with a lawyer and then send her home.

I believe that she would have to file for divorce while Here, rather than from Scandinavia, but I'd check with the state laws first.

One more thing about telling your friend never to get in the car again... If the husband tries to force her into the car, she should immediately and without any hesitation or restraint, kick him in the balls or gouge his eyes as hard as possible, then scream at the top of her lungs while running away to attract attention. This will definitely help get the problem out in the open, where it will then be solved permanently. Kidnapping was still illegal last time I checked.

Thank you all for you help... I heard from Nancy today, and she reports that things are "better", whatever that now means. You can imagine my frustration since it has happened before that everything's been "fine", until the next day when he drinks again.

Well, in any case, I have decided that I will try to get her down here and then, together with her, contact the USCIS and explain what has happened. Then get her home, and away from him.

Thanks again, you all... and thanks for replying to my question about the tourist visa. Atleast one thing less to worry about... =) Now I will just have to wait and see what happens. I've found her the number for a women's shelter where she lives... and I told her that next time something happens, she has to go there. I do wish I could just go up there and get her right now.

Thanks again, you guys have been helpful and even brought up points that I haven't thought of before. It helps me - and Nancy - a lot.
I know that I shouldn't go on a tirade about my personal feelings in this message, but I cannot help it. I am afraid for her, I don't want her forgiving him all the time, not after so many times of the same thing happening. And I want her away from him, even though she says things are better today. What about tomorrow? =\ I just feel so powerless... unable to really help and take her away from him when she doesn't seem to be able to work up the courage to do so herself.

It always gets better and then worse again..........I've been through it with my parents, we (or better said they) are still going through the same problems. I can't help my mother! because she won't let me. But I can't sleep at night. I dream of her one day being killed by him, Every time I hear someone talk loud I run to see if something has happened to her....................

Your friend must know - and hear from you in no uncertain terms - that the abusers are always sorry. Being drunk is no excuse. Do you think that excuse would fly in court if he murdered her while he was drunk? No way.

Good to have given her the shelter's phone number. I hope she uses it, and calls you from there to go and get her.

Something about this story just doesn't make sense.



Who then paid to bring her over and how? Where did the money come from?

probably in the bold

Yes I'm wondering how she met "David" and how this could have come to pass.

Something about this story just doesn't add up.



Who then paid to bring her over and where did the money come from? Or better yet; how was David able to meet the income level enough to bring her over?



So is a future immigration issue what has been stopping her from getting out of her "abusive" relationship and going back home? If she's staying in the relationship so she could be able to come back into the US sometime in the future, with no regards for her own safety or well being, it could then be assumed she married for immigration benefits only.

Abuse shouldn't even be mentioned, since she again wants to just go home and forget about everything.

Is the main concern getting out of the abusive relationship asap or is it being able to come back into the US? What are you specifically asking for/addressing? How does one tie in with the other, if and when she again just wants to go home anyway?

And what I don't understand is how she has no money to go back home, but to come visit you here in the states, she does. Do you ever go see/visit her?



If the parents didn't care, she wouldn't have waited for them to let her in, nor wouldn't they have let her in either once they got home.

Not only that, but I truly doubt that the OP's in-laws accept and agree with their alcoholic and irresponsible son's behaviour, way of life and treatment of his wife.



If he's so violent and abusive, the least thing she should be doing is taking the chance of possibly getting caught doing what she knows he hates the most, which is to be online.



In that case, have Nancy post here as well. Remember you're only going by hearsay, as a third party person.



Then what are you doing here seeking marital and/or immigration advice?

I'll just reply without quotes, so that there's not boxes upon boxes in this post, so to speak. Let me know if I missed to adress something.

Well, what she did, was to save up to travel over herself. She was in fact going to save up additional money, but her visa proceedings and after going to the embassy, her visa came through so fast that she, though she only had about enough for the ticket over, just figured that she'd go sooner than later to be with David. They met online, and she traveled over to him once and stayed three months until her tourist visa was up. After that, they started with their applications.

She only saved up just enough for a ticket over, and that was about it. David has no job, so the USCIS instructed her to have his parents sign the sponsorship papers, which they did after much procrastination.
She is told though by the USCIS that the next batch of papers which are to give her Employment Authorization and her Alien Resident card, David in fact needs to be the sponsor. So I don't know how it'll go with that since first, obviously, he doesn't make enough to meet the criteria. And the forms cost quite a lot to submit.

If you read my posts again, you will notice that I don't say that she has the money to come over and visit me or go home; but that I want to pay for her to come down here, or even pay for her ticket home should she wish it. Alas, since yesterday, the issue had become rather moot.

I would go to Illinois and visit her would time allow it, I told her that I could take some time off to do so. But then again, since David doesn't seem to like me either, perhaps that isn't the brightest idea. So all I can do is to tell her that I will bring her down here or even get her home, should she just say the word.

The reason I posted all of this is because first, I am upset over Nancy and her situation, and I tought in fact that there was such a rule that if you get divorced within five years, the foreign spouse is deported and banned from ever entering the States again. Luckily, it seems not to be that way, and I told this to Nancy when she called last night.

The reason she would want to come back on a tourist visa is to visit me. Understand that I am her only friend. She has no one else. Her own parents aren't even fond of her.

As of now, the main thing for me is to try to get her out of the relationship, since the tourist visa thing, which was a big deal to her (She specifically asked me if I could try to find out about it), seems to have been solved. However, she has insisted on that things are all right starting the other day, so all I can do at this point is to wait and see. Like I said before, Nancy doesn't really have much access to the internet due to the fact that it makes David rather pissy - I apologize that I indeed have to post for her.

If you re-read my post, I said that the only time she can really call me is after he's asleep - she calls me on the phone since his parents have free long distance.

The reason I told you all about the abuse is that first, I thought the divorcing within five years deporting/banning thing was indeed a rule, and I figured that if it was, there must be exenuating circumstance if there is indeed abuse in the marriage - and decided to find a place where they would know if it was so. And this was the place I found.

As for the sitting on the stairs, the parents were home the whole time. I know that his father has in fact told David somewhat tentatively that he should seek help, but other than that, there really seems to be no other engagement from their part. They hear David and Nancy's fights, but they have never said anything.
Nancy sure doesn't tell them about what David can be like when they're out (the driving incident, for example), and David doesn't either.

I did suggest to her the other day that she should tell them about everything even if they don't seem to like her much - like you, I do doubt that they would stand by idly would they know the true extent of it, like his drunk driving. However, and I know many will think "well, then it's her own fault" when I say this, she has not told them as of yet.

I realize that I go by hearsay only, but I am the one who talks to her when she has been calling me and crying. I have known her for about eight years since I used to spend quite a bit of time in Scandinavia (Sweden) as well. I want to help her, and I am sure you understand this.

I was seeking advice here, I thought that it would be best to give you a "gist of it" tale of events, especially since I thought it would affect USCIS proceedings for future tourist visa if there was abuse in the home. Perhaps even talk to someone who had been in the same situation, and find out how they got out of their abusive relationship. Unfortunately, Nancy does seem to want to forgive him and try again, and sadly, I have known people before who still cling to the man in an abusive relationship for reasons unknown to me.
For her sake though, I do hope he changes somehow.

I do apologize if my post was confusing, please feel free to ask me anything else, and I will reply to it.

I know that there are probably many things that Nancy should have done or considered before moving over, but as they say... hindsight is 20/20.

You are a good friend Broken-Lizard. Don't put too much effort into defending dmartmar's comments... he's made it his life's mission to be the most cynical person on this site since he hasn't been able to heal from the bitterness of his own emotional trauma...

I understand your sense of responsibility to your friend and her situation. She has to be the one to make the decisions and you are helping to give her the information she needs. At some point, though, you may need to invoke some 'tough love'... she's in a co-dependent situation and she's a big girl. She should know how to get to the nearest women's shelter, should she need to escape, and then have plans from there. This situation seems very volatile and you are spending a lot of energy on it... be careful that you do not become a victim as well.

I hope everyone involved 'sees the light' at some point, but you cannot control that. You're doing all that you can, and that is more than most.... so bless you for that.

Jen

If Nancy just wants to go back home, then why even bring up the subject of abuse?



Does she or does she not want to just go back home? This makes it seem as if she's trying to stay and work, not leave.



Didn't you say she came over using a K1 visa? And which applications did they start?



Didn't you say David worked at McDonald's?

The reason she would want to come back on a tourist visa is to visit me.

I am also having trouble believing this story. Someone working at mcdonalds with student loans on food stamps who drinks all the time sponsoring an immigrant wife. I guess its possible--but not probable

Also is Nancy asking you for money? Or are you offering her money? And I don't think I would like it very much if my wife was busy going behind my back in secret while I was sleeping and telling all my marital problems to some stranger miles away who then post the whole story on the internet. So I can totally see where David is not too keen on your interference in his relationship. If David is so bad a guy, where were you with your support and advise before Nancy married him?

I do not know of any law that states a divorced spouse must be deported. My ex-wife didn't get deported when we divorced. The divorce law has nothing to do with immigration law. They aren't even in communication with each other--one is run by the state and county and the other by the Federal government. Of course there could be a problem in this case if Nancy has not ever applied for the "green card" and SS card.

Where did the OP go?

Broken-Lizard, where are you?

Reba,

She was granted a 90-day stay in the USA. When those 90 days are up, if she hasn't yet applied for adjustment of status, then she is out of status until she either applies for adjustment or leaves the country.

Yodrak