Good Morning to all!

I have seen so much good things happening on this thread lately that I almost feel guilty to mess up the festive mood...I am so happy for the upcoming reunifications...it is so great to see so many positive outcomes...and I hope that more approvals are on the way and that more happiness is spread in this group...I admire so many of you and feel blessed every day when I stop by for few minutes to read new topics, follow up on threads and just to catch up...even the the sporadic clash of opinions is refreshing as most of the times the discussions are both lively as well as educational...but today I am in a very bad place emotionally and just feel like crying...

I have been reading Rahma's thread about the preparations for the arrival of your SO now after almost 4 months since Jamal arrived I feel like such a failure...It is so great to have him with me...the love is there but it is so difficult at times...He is working and it is not a bad job ....it still doesn't pay as much as he would like to make but it keeps him busy and he is even able to help his Mom with a little money at least once a month...what is complicating things is that he is still not taking English classes...he gets frustrated about the language and blames me for not helping him...We speak spanish at home most of the time...I have been trying to use more English and it is helping a little...there are at least 4 ESL schools in our area as we live in a mostly Hispanic neighborhood...he started taking classes in one of them but dis not last long why?
Too many "spanish people" and he would never learn with them!
The thing is that NY has a huge hispanic population and there always will be a lot of them in most of the schools...so now I feel stuck...I have no idea what to do...he hates the area where we live, the fact that he has to commute to work for an hour each morning and evening to his work...and the list goes on...Most of time we are good and things are fine but there are moments like today that I feel exhausted by the fact that I am not in a financial position to make any amends to remedy the situation...we can not move, we are not able to afford a Manhattan school that might have less Hispanics in their classes and when he tells me that I am not helping him I just want to cry because I am not sure what else I should do...

I have come to US from Poland without any knowledge of English so I know that it is frustrating not being able to communicate but I feel that it should not matter who are the people in the class with you....that if you want to learn little details like that should not matter to you...

Please ladies I need some serious advice...I am so lost and have not idea what to do in this situations...believe me at times I am almost sure that one of these days he would just pack his bags and go back to morocco...I hate to be the one who did not do the right thing...

please forgive me this rambling as I have no idea to whom I may turn...Thank you for listening and any and all suggestions are welcomed...
Dorothy

Hey ella, I'll respond more fully later, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We've been to this point many many many times. Believe me, I messed up a ton. In fact, I continue to mess things up here and clash over issues almost 10 months later.

Would you like your husband to talk to mine? He may be able to talk some sense into him.

(((hugs)))

Thank you Rahma...I appreciate your response...let me think about your suggestion...thanks

Dorothy,

Your message went straight to my heart.

As far as suggestions, how about setting aside an hour or so each day when you only speak English. Instead of ESL school, invest in a quality learn-from-home program. There are also lots of free websites. When my husband gets home, I will have him compile them. You could also post on Craigslist with what you are able to afford. Someone may be willing to give him one-on-on tutoring for very little money.

The work situation is hard. Not sure of the laws there, but maybe a motor scooter would be an option. Here, they don't require insurance or license plates, and the permit only requires the written test. You can buy a scooter for around $1000 new. We are looking into it since the commute time is crazy long even though the workplace is only 7 miles away.

If you ever feel like talking, feel free to contact me. It is easier for me to open up in the Yahoo group or on messenger, because I worry that I will say something and one of my husband's friends will read it if I do so here and somehow it will be misconstrued.

Rebecca

Thank you for your compassion Rebecca...I hate to complaint because I have been blessed in so many ways and I am thankful for so much...I guess I just had a weak moment today...I will post in the group as well....thank you.

I feel blessed too but it doesn't stop me from having PLENTY of weak moments. Please be easy on yourself.

Rebecca

Esalaam Hello and Salut



( sorry about the blank reply post...bad net connection here)O man Dorothy I am so sorry about your situation...but I totally feel you, what you are going through. I too, like you came from Europe and had to learn English upon my arrival. I went to the ESL classes for some years, but in frustration left them as I didnt learn anything. I went to work and start to (try) to talk to my collegues....and i surprising learn English that way.



Also many degrees of other country's are not accepted here (like mine) and people are forced to take "lesser jobs" then they are used to ...and esp for men this plays on their ego. Making less money then their wives also. Unfortunely there is set remedy for this, except time and patience and loving support.



I replied to your Yahoo group post...so I will not repeat what I wrote there, but basically I would try to get him out more to take his mind of things, maybe go find some ppl from his country and/or visit the masjid...see what resources they have there....



I will be praying for you Dorothy.... May you get guidance on your time of need...



Henia

Hi Dorothy,
I'm so sorry about the English problems but never feel bad for posting a problem!!!

I am trying to think about when I lived in France... I was forced to go to school then but the thing that helped me most was one on one lessons in the beginning. I know here they offer them for free twice a week.

I know it's hard but try to only speak English with him at home and if he doesn't understand a word or something then translate it but make sure you stick to Enlgish (I know it's frustratng).

Another thing is when you go out to eat make sure he orders for himself and can understand everything that applies to going out anywhere really.

What about meeting Moroccans in your area? Does he know any? That might help him feel more at home.

I'm trying to think but I'll try to give you more suggestions later

Good luck,
Sarah

i do not know what I would do, but I would not be to upset. Things take time do not blame yourself, he needs to figure out what he wants and get it. If he wants to learn the language then he would go to the school. You can only do so much.

don't have much more to add to what's been said - just wanted to say I wish you the best and hopefully all of this works itself out - don't be too hard on yourself.

You know, I find myself doings (and Mohammed isn't even here yet). Don't take so much ownership of his struggle. He's a big boy and he needs to rise up and find his way. The best thing you can do is lend that good old moral support. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you are more then a wonderful wife to him. We're here for you too!

I would have to agree with "Just Waiting" He has to take some ownership for "his" problems. You can take him to the water but you cant make him drink.


Wish you Happy feelings.

Thank you all for your input and suggestions…I have finally learned how important is to be able to open up about certain issues and listen to a voices of reason that are looking at things from a different perspective…you guys are great and never fail me…I will make a conscious effort to open the doors of communication regarding the issue of English…I will make a commitment to begin our classes at home if he is not able to find classes that would fit his schedule…it will be difficult but I guess it is also a test for me as once I have entertained the idea of going into teaching…would I be able to do it? Good way to find out…

Adjustments are difficult and patience is the key word to a success and I think this is one thing that Jamal has very little of…PATIENCE …I hope that one day he will realize that even a little bit of patience makes things in life so much more manageable…I know, I know that it is so much easier said then done but I have noticed that his lack of patience is making me lose mine…lol

I think what he needs is to make some friends that he can hang out with and get the male interaction because as of now most of the time outside work he spends with me…not that I mind but I know it is not good for either of us in the long run…so I got to cut him some space and let him make some friends…he is good at it so I will bring it up with him tonight…

I just got some interesting study guides on the internet and will try to work with them…have plenty of index card and have to invest some time to create flash cards…thanks for the suggestions

Well, I just wanted to pour my frustration and as always it helps…The kind words of advice and support help enormously…Most important of all I am able to see thru your eyes as how you perceive the problem and I think that is the most important to me…I am able to detach myself from the issue at hand and keep my mind open to different perspective and point of view…so for that I give many thanks to you guys…

Hi Dorothy,

I didn't get to read all the responses... at work... But just wanted to give you a quick suggestion... I didn't understand if he is driving to work or are u driving him? But however he commutes to work and since it's an hour each way, get him some tapes. There are ESL tapes you can buy (or borrow from the Library) and give him a walkman... so everyday when he is commuting to work and back, he can listen to the tapes. My mom uses tapes and it helps her a lot (she is 62 years old).

And I have to agree with Jean (Just Waiting), he is a big boy and he needs to do somethings on his own and for himself.

I feel for you and I wish you the best. Things would probably get better... and vent away whenever you need to... we're here to listen.

Good luck,

Yasi

Hi Dorothy,

Yasi said it very well. I only have to add this about ESL schools - i went to one and it was pretty good! i was with lots of my own Russian ppl and some Spanish speaking ppl too. The class was a little slow for me, but i wanted to learn! so i did my best and when it became way too slow for me, i asked to be put in more advanced class. It helped a lot! Really!
You just have to 'shop around' find out who's the teachers there and stuff. Cause my teachers were pretty good. Plus i love TV, so i watched it a lot (i started with easy stuff - comedies, like Cosby show). Then i graduated to more difficult stuff. After 12 years i still use Captions that you can easily put on your TV too. Not cause i don't understand, but sometimes i just miss something and when it's something interesting you hate to miss it. I had to read lots of words like that but i've learned a lot, many times i didn't use the dictionary. That's how they taugth us in ESL - no translations. I know it's not easy, but what is in this life?
Just take one day at a time and try to get your husband into a class with lots of young ppl - older ppl tend to slow the learning process down (speaking from my own experience).

Good luck

Tanya