Hi everybody. I'm new here though I've been reading some posts in this forum. I'm glad to find a place where you can share similar life experiences. I'm from Peru and I'm getting married next week. I knew my fiance in a dating web site almost two years ago, he went to visit me to Lima a few times, we had a good time and after 8 months dating we applied for the K1 visa. I've been in the States since early May but I don't know if I'm ready to give that big step yet. As you well know the K1 visa is valid only for 90 days and there's no extension. Next week my visa will expire.
When I came here I left everything behind to start a new life with the man I dated for a year and a half. He is a good guy, and also I am, but during these months we've had a hard time getting along. I knew the adjustment wouldn't be easy because he has lived by himself for a long period of time as well as me. We are having silly arguments and each one is on the defensive all the time, which is odd because we used to get along great with each other while we were dating online. I know living together is something really different but I always thought we could do it great.
I feel unsecure about marriage, I don't know if after that we could fix our differences or maybe they get worse. Is he maybe feeling I'm threatening his freedom?
Sometimes I'd like to come back to my country, but I do also feel I love him. We did a lot to be finally together but I think we are not doing much for keeping it.
I'd appreciate your comments because an outsider can see many things I probably don't. Thanks

HI ArcanaLima, sounds like you need more time to sort out normal adjustment issues vs lifetime committment issues. Adjustment is very difficult and getting married does not fix it, just makes it more real because you have a lifetime committment to one another. Have the two of you definately decided to marry? Would he go live with you in Peru? Does he speak your language? If not is he willing to learn? Since it will be for the rest of both of your lives (=forever!) it's important that you be sure about it. If you are both unsure and need more time, you have several options. You don't have to get married just because your "time is up." One thing you could do is reapply for the K-1. That would require you to go back to Peru (or a third country outside of the US), and return to the US later when the second K1 has been approved. There are others who have done this. It is not unheard of and there should be no problem if the two of you are committed to one another. Another option is for you to return to Peru and he could go be with you there, and the two of you could decide what to do after that. I know it is very hard but it's important that both of you feel good about your decision. Do what feels right and it will be

Dont do it if you feel this way. Dont let the expiration scare you into doing it.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.

I guess I would say that if you are having doubt and if you can't imagine a happy future with him or that things are not going to change- then you should wait. Don't let the immigration process force you to get married just because of the time constraint.

Good luck to you

Sarah

I think you should probably say all these things that you explained to us directly to him. Have a very open and honest conversation about it.

Hi...I'm writing you cause I've here, in Florida, for about 7 months. I can understand your feelings and doubts right now..It happen to me during the first couple of months that I was here. But I can tell you something, it takes a longgg time to get along with your couple. I was dating my husband for about 8 months. I remember that everytime that he went to Peru to visit me, we expend wonderful days, they weren't arguments, fights, etc...No it's a different reality, cause you're knowing each other a little better.
Also being apart from your country, your family, your culture makes it even more harder.
That was my experience too, and I can just tell you something...if you really love someone you should make any sacrifice to make them happy. I think that if you are really not sure about your feelings, it's just better to finish with the relation before it takes more time. It's not fear for each other. And if you decide to stay and get married here, remember that the months that are going to come are going to be even more difficult, cause you will miss even more be alone and if you don't know how to manage these difficult time it could be really worst. Listen to your heart and listen to your spirit. Don't make him suffer with these situation. Talk with him once you have decided what you really want.

I agree. My boyfriend and I have been fighting a LOT on the phone over the past few weeks. It's stress that's getting into us, though... and stress is what you've both got PLENTY of right now. You both need to do something special and relax. I'm going to guess that he's working while you're not? So, you're in the perfect position to surprise him. Clean the place up while he's gone, prepare food that both of you really love (even if it means buying Chinese), light some candles, bring out the champagne. When he comes in the door from work, wrap your arms around his neck and just kiss him. Make it an in-house date, just relax and be in love with each other. You guys NEED quailty time like that right now. And make some time to talk it all out - be honest about what you're feeling and thinking, your fears, your worries, and don't be afraid to cry if you feel like you need to. He's probably got a lot running through his head too, and you two need to communicate about it.

...Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.

There's your answer right there. People should only get married if they both love each other and can confidently say that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. That is what marriage is, a declaration of that love and commitment to each other.
A visa to be able to be together is nothing more than a by-product of that relationship, NOT a reason to get married.

Sorry if that sounds brutally cold, but if the love and desire to be together is not there, in BOTH directions, then you have to ask yourself, "is this the relationship I want to be in till I die?"

Hi,

Im sorry to hear what you are going through. I too found the adjustment hard at first, and was having doubts about getting married. The stress of everything was causing us to bicker all the time, and we felt as though the whole process had taken away some of our passion and fun. A week before the wedding I was really tense, and one day just let it all out. I cried for hours, and we discussed everything thoroughly. He too was feeling the pressure- and the talk brought us closer together at the time we really needed it. We attributed our doubts to the stress of the AOS process and general pre-wedding jitters.
Since then things have been wonderful again. We feel we have made the right decision, im settling in more each day and much of the pressure has been taken off.

My advice would be as other posters- you really need to talk through everything with your partner in order to better understand the feelings you are having.

I wish you the very very best with your decision

Good luck

i completely agree with Chas ... you seem to have already answered your own question in your post.

not to add more pressure but if you do not marry within the 90days ... your K1 visa will not be valid and you will have to return home. i'm not sure what the ramifications of marrying after 90days and then filing for AOS are.

I may be wrong, but from memory, I think they first thing they'd have to do would be apply for an I-130.

If you get married after the 90 days, you just have to file I-130 along with the I-485.

Here's the real dilema: If you stay beyond 90 days, all of the days after the I-94 expired are overstay days. If you subsequently decide to marry the petitioner and adjust status, the overstay will be forgiven with a successful AOS. If you decide not to marry, the overstay days stand.

Where the real possibility exists that you may not get married, it might be best to return home while you decide what you want to do.

When in doubt...don't . I'm sorry you are going through all this and I hope you find your way

Kim

I think the feelings you're having are perfectly normal. My wife and I had a long distance relationship initially, although we both lived in the USA. When she finally moved in with me it was a big adjustment and things were tense for a while. After a while we settled in, and have been happily married for over 2 years.

The trouble is that the 90 days you get with K1 is really not enough to decide whether or not you really want to get married if you don't really know the person that well (and IMHO you can't really know a person until you've lived with them for a while).

Give it some more time, but if things don't get any better my advice would be to return to your home country rather than enter a marriage you're not sure about.

The K1 is not a 'try it and see' visa. 90 days is plenty of time to get married which what the K1 is granted for. If you don't really know the person that well, why would you want to marry them?

Not a judgement on any poster here by the way, just a general comment.

To the OP: Follow your instincts. If you feel insecure about marriage, do not do it!

Yeah I have the same philosophy about marriages I do about getting a tattoo: when in doubt, don't, after all it's something for life. But that's my opinion, I don't want in any way to tell you what to do, you should really follow your heart and you'll know what's best for you, after all it's your life.
Good luck on whatever you decide.
Nessa

I'm fully aware of the *intent* of the K1 visa, but I'm also fully aware, as I'm sure you are too, that many people come in through K1 after only visiting their partner a few times and having a long distance relationship with them. Often they may think they want to marry that person, but after living with them for 90 days, they're not too sure. People get "unengaged" (if that is a word) all the time after all.

Unfortunately there isn't a "get to know you" visa that allows someone to come live with you for a bit to see if you want to get married, so most people will end up going the K1 route and jumping into marriage too early because they've given up too much to come here on the K1 *not* to go through with it.

You truly need to follow your heart and only get married if you really feel that's the best thing to do for both of you. If not, I would return to your home country and maybe reflect on your time together in the U.S. and see if you feel differently when you are apart.

Don't get married because you "have" to.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I can't see where anyone has addressed the issue of the husband living alone for a long time.

Believe me, I was one of these slugs and although I loved my fiance, wanted her here, and something more from my life I KNEW it was going to be hard as hell on me to get used to having a full time family again.

I even told her long before she came here that I would need her help and understanding to assist me in adjusting EVERYTHING... to adjust my attitude and stuff just so we could survive my own adjustment phase. She too had been single for a number of years, but she was as ready as I was to commit and live together, and had a whole different attitude about it.

The day we got married, neither one of us were in the mood for it. We were NOT having any fun. But we both agreed that if we were going to make it then we had to make the real commitment to each other, which is a heck of a lot more than a 90 day k1 visa. If we didn't, then we'd just divorce and she would go home.

I don't know of anyone who was 100% ready to get married, and did it without any internal reservations as there are no guarantees.

From my own perspective, I had been a royal pain in the arse for the first 3-7 months of my wife being here. I did not like having to account for every bit of everything that I used to do without accounting to anyone. But that's the cost of getting a ready made family. There were a number of times when we just could not stand each other, but still, we worked through it.

After all is said and done we've come a heck of a long way. We were always willing to try to make it work, but we were NEVER willing to just throw away 3+ years of a relationship because we were having problems like a couple of pouting children mad at their parents over trivial matters. We are a lot stronger in our love and relationship now because we decided to make the commitment of marriage and work through it.

That's my 2 cents.

For real advice: Pack your bags and get ready to get out of this country BEFORE your 90 days are up. You can always come back on another K1 (to the same person), but I don't think you can if you've overstayed your visa! That risk alone is not worth an overstay imo.

Otherwise, make a real commitment and get married on time. If it doesn't work, get divorced and go home. Either way, you will not run afoul of bcis.

My personal thoughts on this is....it pays to really get to know someone before you decide to embark on THIS type journey. Communication...not just lovey dovey stuff online....really talking and finding things out about each other. For two years this is all my husband and I had, in between visits. We spent hours, at night, talking to each other, on the phone, using the webcam...it's how we've made it work. No, I'm not saying this should be the standard by which EVERY couple should conduct their relationship. I'm just saying that REAL communication is so vital to making online relationships work once the couple is actually able to live together on a daily basis.

Like I said...just my personal thoughts....

Welcome to VJ. The only thing i can say is that only you can answer that question. noone can tell you to marry him or not. Especially strangers. good luck.

If you are having real doubts about the marriage, don't do it! It's much easier to get a second K1 if you work things out later than it is to get a divorce...

This is very good advice. While my wife and I were going through a long distance relationship we spent many hours talking on the phone to each other. I was also lucky enough that I lived in the same country as her, so we could visit each other regularly (we didn't meet online BTW, but when she was visiting my home town for a weekend).

That said, we still had a tough time after moving in together, mainly because I had lived alone for 2-3 years before she moved in with me. It probably took a good few months for us to stop being at each other's throats.

Now everything is hunky dory however, but it was iffy to start with I'll admit.

I'll guess the moral is, a "breaking in" period when moving in together is likely, especially if one of you is used to being alone, its a huge change.

You don't mention how old you are, or how much life experience you've had in terms of other relationships... you don't need to divulge any of that here... but it's something worth considering for yourself. For some people, it takes a range or relationships before they know what's really right for them. For others, they just know.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper... it's a commitment to be taken very seriously. It means that you are willing to put someone else's interests and happiness before your own... and each of you have to feel that way for it to work, otherwise, one winds up taking the other for granted. The adjustment period of any marriage is difficult... for those os us here, it is exponentially so given the circumstances. If you are both not willing to enter into this commitment 'no matter what', then you are doing the right thing by second-guessing your choice.

If you are unsure now, don't let a simple thing like a calendar force you into something for which you are not ready.

Jen

I think that personally if you have to ask on a public forum, then you have serious doubt in your mind and I think that answers the question.

Sorry that you aren't getting on well with your significant other. Living together is the biggest test to see if a couple are truly compatable together.

If you have doubt in your mind, then I don't think you should marry your partner, but only you can decide that for yourself.

My husband and I met less than a year ago while I was on vacation visiting friends in Texas. I flew back home and a few weeks later he proposed to me. Before we got married, we talked extensively but on the day we were both committed and had no doubt at all in our minds. Sure, we have our disagreements- what couple doesn't?!. We are both very strong-minded and dominant and at times that isn't a good combo, but mostly it works. I suggest you talk to your partner and try and determine what is the best solution for both of you and see if you can have a future together.

it's always posters like this that pour their heart out and then never come back ...

almost makes me think it's someone we know ...

I was thinking along the same lines, Gimy... wouldn't we figure it out, though, if the someone we knew suddenly called it off? There've been quite a few of these 'post and go' types recently...

Jen

yeah whatever happened? Did they get married, did they return to Peru? Are they just another of the 20 million illegal aliens?

If it is someone we know, she should know that we are worried about her, about him, and that our door is always open.........

i completely agree!

I think the OP knows what she wants to do

im so sorry that you are having these feelings. you have to really try to weigh the pros and cons. are you guys fighting because of the tension leading up to marriage? is it just general stuff like being in his space. what is it that doesnt make you guys happy to be together. what was the spark before? talk to one another put everything on the table. is he feeling the same way or jus you are thinnking of backing out? communication is the best key.

right on Karen

yes, and if you can't talk about it thoroughly right now, marriage is not going to make anything easier!
more likely, it will get worse.