I was just sitting here pondering some things. I thought maybe it might be nice to share what we do to manage the stress of our visa journeys. What are some of your tools, rituals, techniques for getting through this... particularly those melt down moments?



I know personally there have been too many times I have NOT coped. I have cried. I have ranted to friends (sorry). I have comfort eaten. I have sulked and sulked a lot.

When I get fed up with myself, I turn to other more positive diversions, like tending my orchid, art and writing, and I PRAY. I don't pray for his visa because my personal opinion is I should not pray for things. I pray for strength. I pray for strength and good fortune for others. I pray for clarity of mind. I pray for the ability to accept whatever comes. Then I babble on incoherently about how much I love Mohammed. (I'm such a dork.)

Anyway... anyone else care to share?

I guess I didn't take the immigration process too hard. Tamer and I had a long distance relationship for 3 years before we started the visa process, what was one more year of waiting?

I try to look at things in terms of the big picture. My husband and I promised that we'd be together for 80 years (don't know how we arrived at that number, since he'll be 105 and i'll be 101 then, lol). So, a year for the visa, 3 years ldr, that still leaves 76 years to be together. Immigration is just a blip on the radar compared to the time we have to spend the rest of our lives together inshaAllah.


For particular meltdown moments, when I feel helpless about something, I look to these prophetic dua -

Hasbiya Llahu wa ni'ma l'wakil - Allah is my sufficiency, and how perfect a benefactor [is He].

Ya Hayyu ya Qayyum, bi rahmatika astaghith - Oh You, the Everlasting and All-Sustainer, persistently do I invoke Your mercy

Alhamdulilahi ala kulli ha - Praise be to Allah, in ever state.


inshaAllah you'll get through it, you'll be together for 50 years, and when you're 80, you can look back on this whole process and laugh together

Today is a hard day for me and I was happy to find this topic. There are not enough tears for how this process makes me feel, and my brain constantly is on scramble.

When I am able to be objective, prayer is a great strenghther. Reading VJ help some and other support groups. When I am away from the PC I bury myself in work, homemaking and my children.
I am thinking of take up biking and this will give me and my son one more activity we can do together.
It really does not become a big problem for me, until my quiet times.

My husband does his best to help fill some of those quiet times, whether it is on phone,text or PC. Still
when that is finished the realization that we are not physically together sets in. Holding my pillow tight is
my only option and praying myself to sleep.

Thanks for the vent!

Mohamed and I had a long distance relationship for about 1.5 yrs before we were married. I handled that beautifully but as soon as we were married and I returned to the states alone...I fell apart. It seems every time I go to visit when I return to the states it takes me a good two months to get over it. It helps to be around ppl. I always feel better at work or when visiting friends. I saw my personal physician yesterday to ask her what I can do to get the "edge" off. She told me that she has another patient in the same circumstances. That made me feel relieved that my doctor understood me and my feelings (my doctor is also an immigrant so she knows how difficult the visa process is first hand). She told me she knows how difficult it is...how it feels like your future is in someone else's hands and you're completely powerless..she hit the nail on the head! She asked if I thought seeing a counselor might help and I told her that I had found a support group online (VJ). She thinks VJ is an excellent idea! She also prescribed me an antidepressent/antianxiety medication. Inshallah this will help too.

Esalaamu Aleikum....



Personally, I cope since I know all the trails and hardships are from Allah (swt) and if I get through them.... inchallah I will be rewarded by the gates of al Janna...

Also in every prayer I thank Allah for all I have...never ask why dont I have this and this...as Allah(swt) never leaves the believer.

And lastly cos I know I have very special guy my inchallah (future) husband that makes it worth while.



Peace and Blessings

When I was at my lowest point, Mohammed reminded me that we still have each other no matter what happens and NOTHING will break that. There is a lot of strength in that for me as well.

Z... I have danced back and forth with the meds idea. I always end up running away from them. Maybe I would be better off with them? Moh encouraged me at one point to do it, but I cancelled the appointment.

I cry a lot and I fill Jeans mailbox with tears too! LOL On the weekends I do everything possible to stay out of the house and do things with the kids. I also did start taking a low dose antidepressant which as helped out a lot.

Well....off to the pool again today! Oh.....then to the grocery store. Man I hate going there.

You are no Dork....it's rather cute..

Amy, you mean like the night I called you sobbing incoherently??? Email me more tears! I owe you!

and I am TOO a dork... (hahaha)

IN this whole long process I really don't know how I get that power to wait that long and I know it was a gift from god ..
My husband is wonderful man ,he definetly helped me alot .. he saved every penny he had he even had to eat less to save the money for the one of his trips ..sold his laptop once to be able to visit me ..he did everything he can just to be with me in these days he visited me ..I did my best by going online for weeks looking desperatly for the cheapest airline tickets for us ..and Thank god we could find cheap ones after long time searching ..so My husband visited me 3 times in 9 months that made thinsg easier ...i had left my job to be able to travel when the visa is ready and I was supposed to study for my USMLE but I never could ..every time I study i feel depressed and I can't dissociate my mind from thinking of Mark and being with him and thinking if this will ever end !!! so I only studied few chapters in 2 or 3 books of my USMLE!!!!!!!!!!!! Ifeel like a loser!!!
but lately 2 months ago I start to feel physical syptoms in my body ...like i had a horrible feeling of chest tightness and sever pain in my pelvis and inability to breathe , I knew that all these things are happening to me because I am depressed esp that I live in the room where Mark and I used to sleep and in my parents house were we had lots of memories and in the streets and every where I go there was a place we have been there together so that made me feel depressed..
so My husband forced me to go to Gym .."although they are expensive in Cairo 120$ a month"...so going to the Gym helped me alot I used to spend there like 4 -5 hours daily woking out..
another thing I did ..I moved to my brother room to stay and sleep in it since my room was make me feel depressed and sad..

and definelty VJ helped me alot and you guys and your support really helped me alot..THANK YOU
I am a dork too ..lol

Good post, and good question...

I'm not sure coping is the right word for us... surviving may be a better word for us...

We pray, we talk about each other to our friends all the time, and tell them how much we miss each other.

We try to stay busy with work, and I also get diversions from my (inconsistent) exercise.

We talk on the phone usually once in the morning and once at night. We also do an internet chat once per week.

More often then not, she falls asleep talking to me on the phone at night. After she falls asleep, if I can't get to sleep, then I check VJ and/or do some more immigration prep/research.

I try to visit her every 2 months. I will visit in August, but the airfares after August thru Jan 2007 look scary...

In fact I think I will call her now...

First off, there is nothing wrong with loving someone-therfore, you aren't a dork.

I waited for 2 years. First, for my ex husband to sign the divorce papers, and then for all of our CR1 papers to go through. I had my days where I thought I would fall to pieces, but somehow, I carried on. Yes, I did pray for strength, and I prayed for patience.
I also found that I worked and worked and worked. Sometimes 7 days a week if I could. I saved up some money, and passed away the time.
Keeping busy and not focusing on how much I wished my life was differerent helped. And when I began to get down on myself, and the situation, I would make plans for the future in my head.
Some of these plans have been done, some still are yet to be done when he comes home next week.

Looking toward the future helps greatly. Do not lose your hope, and keep in your pocket that this is only temporary. One day it will indeed be over.

Best Wishes.

Prayer and vigorous exercise works!!

Thats funny....I handled the year between when we met and when we married just fine too, and bam...once I got married it took both of us about 2 months to adjust after each visit. I am going again in a few weeks and I have to admit I am frightened on how bad it will be when I come home alone...again.



I think we have many many dorks here...lol

The way I have coped is that I put everything about the visa, even my husband, out of my mind. I take off somewhere with my kids and forget everything and just enjoy them. Its just my way of pretending I have a normal life again.

Good luck, we are all here for you.



And get off my lazy behind?

I have been lucky enough to visit Hicham after every quarter of school in the past year: August, December, March, and June. Luckily I was in school so that kept me pretty busy but coming home at night alone is always tough.

We are all brave for going through this knowing how long it could take. Good luck to everyone.

Sarah

I am still trying to figure that out.

CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!

Brownies!

See, now that's exactly WHY I am now suffering through those stupid froze Lean Cuisine thingies every day.

Don't want the poor guy to mistake me for another airplane on the tarmak... (moo)

hahaha but the brownies are so healing.

Ok ok and the weekend ritual of a nice soothing bubble bath with my Moonlight Path following by a cup of green tea with ginseng, chamomille and a splash of honey before bed... This is my "me" time. No thoughts of anything not peaceful (or high calorie *ahem*) allowed during this time. *zen*

Now that is just great Jean and Sarah. I am wanting brownies now. Got to go to the store. Be right back.

Meriem

LOL that would explain my waistline.

Meriem,

I'm sitting here with horrid chocolate cravings NOW and am in my jammies... so no hope of a trip to the store.

Made a batch (a double batch at that!) of chocolate chip cookies. I'm feeling like the dough boy right now. Nothing like cookie dough with lots of milk! YUMMMM....welp....back to the diet tomorrow.

Vodka

haha yeah vodka!

bring some back for everyone meriem!

jean you gotta be careful make sure to down a lot of water when you drink those meals, pre-packeged foods are chuck full of salt and preservatives and that salt holds onto water weight!

Oh yes! Those meals I had to finally give up. I notice every time I ate them I would be farting for hours. Those painful ones! Must be the preservatives or something in them. Felt like I was going to deliver something every time I ate one.

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pray a lot... Talk to friends and family. Some days are harder than others. The fear the anxiety gets to me so bad that I can't sleep or eat.

The fear of never getting an answer. The anxiety of not being able to see him and be close to him.

Coming to VJ helps a lot of times... Then there are times that I'm depress and envious. I truly am happy for all of you who have your interviews coming up or got your visas. I say this from bottom of my heart.

I just think to myself why ours not moving along or maybe God doesn't want this for us.

Sorry to be negative and bring you guys down. This has been a though journey. I never loved another as much as I love him. He is good man.

Why, I just talk to YOU. You have a way of making me feel better.

You are the best, Miss Jean !

Yep, I noticed that. Puffy fingers. Dammit. Can't win. I was thinking about this just last night. Keep it to lunches and stay away from them for dinner (even though they're easy). I'm going to make a pot of soup today that I can graze on for dinner during the week. Seems to work better. Thanks for the advice!




Oh my!





Oh boy can I relate to your words. I think we ALL can. Don't worry about bringing anyone down. You need to vent and all of us here certainly understand what you are feeling. We're here for you!

Thanks Jean. That means a lot.

Now I want chocolate too... He sent me some from Germany but I never got them.... They confiscated them.... ha ha ha

Confiscated chocolate??? From a FEMALE???? Ooooooh, that's what I call walking the edge!

Yeap... they don't know chocolates are a woman's best friend....AND they're the GOOD KINDS...dark chocolate w/hazelnut....yumm

*mourns*

Coping and waiting, two words I do not like but I have been forced to live the past 2 1/2 years!

For us it was being able to talk via the net (cam & voice). If we didnt have that I am not sure how we would have done.

In the beginning we coped because we knew someday we would get to be togther, oh perhaps inside of a year after filing was my guess-timate.

Then the big day came. And the big day was a huge let down. I went and stayed with my husband for a month after the interview trying to get the denial from the consulate reversed. Lol, that was a useless joke, ie dealing with the consulate. I sent letters and e mails to anyone and everyone. No one could help us.

After my return to the states I worked feverishly and relentlessly on over coming what we knew not. I was so busy with work and research that the days seemed to go by much more quickly.

We still spent endless hours on line talking and just seeing each other on cam. Once again without the net I am sure the waiting would have been so much more difficlut.

I did not find much solace anywhere except with my husband. Everyone was so supportive and sympathic in family and groups but for some reason that did not console me much. The same can be said of my husband.

We took it day by day. If I was working my husband many a day would be sitting in a caffe on line when I arrived home from work. Some days we chatted before I went to work. We were in contact every single day. Living our life via the net is what we did. Sounds weird I know but that is what we did. We discussed everything togther as if we were physically together. Made decisions togther. This was our life. He was not some distant man I loved, he was my husband everyday even though we were separated by the Atlantic ocean.

Ahhh those moments are what gave us a strong marriage. I think of other couples who are separtated and I know the longing to be together, the heartache of being separated , the joy of seeing his face each day. It is possible to endure the wait, albeit stressful. Hang in there and be good to each other!

chi

Chi,

I'm sitting here all teared up. Even though we did not go through what you did (and I am still white knuckling that we don't) or for as long, its the same for us with how we try to carry on our life together. Every day sitting infront of this wretched machine until we both have sworn we won't touch the thing after we are reunited.

Did you find yourself getting frustrated with the telephone and internet? We sure do. There are nights we both want to just throw things because of "What? What did you say? Voice is breaking. I can't hear you. *click*.... *ring*... "Welcome back honey. What? What?... Honey i said welcome back..."

All we want is normalicy... and the normalicy we are afforded is nuts. We always say we are thankful to have at least that much, but we're exhausted from it.

I'm so happy this part of your journey is finally nearing its conclusion. I am praying it does for those waiting very soon too.

I tried to focus on the things I would be doing less of once my husband arrived. I focused a lot on my daughter - knowing that while the change would be good - our little coccoon of it just being me and her would soon change. I would think "this will probably be the last time you and her do this alone because next year he will join us", and it made those moments special.

Most of us experience seeing our friends less after marriage. Meet for the coffees and long chats. Splurge on yourself a little if you husband is a bit of a tightwad

Think about the changes (and while most will be good) enjoy the things that you may be doing less of or will be doing differently.

I'll put my two cents in too. Dont' know if anyone will read it since you started this topic 2 days ago. But here:
1). Take one day at a time! - that's the best one!
2). Pray a lot, which i do.
3). Mint tea and pressure cooker, lol.Mint helps not only for dygestive system, but calms you down a little. I got my pressure cooker after my 2nd visit and some spices. Whenever i miss him - i cook moroccan food and make mint tea - i have lots of mint in my backyard! Mint came with the house, how funny is that?
4). Can't chat with him even once a month, so i call at least once a week.
5). If i can't call him - i have lots of pictures and letters. Read my letters and listen to the audio tape we've made together just talking about stuff and making each other laugh.
6). I read cards if you know what i mean. Where i'm from it's almost a custom. It's my substitute for shrink and anti-depressants. Maybe i'm not so good at this, but it helps even though it's not always true, but who cares, right?
7). Reading VJ posts actually helps but sometimes it does the opposite, lilke this post, lol. But then again, it still helps.

Thank you, guys.

Tanya

Oh yeah! i forgot to mention 2 other things.
8). I have cats
9). I started crosheting again

OMG, I forget, so many of these men have to go to internet cafes to chat! I am so lucky, shortly after I met my husband he bought a computer. We both get online right after we wake up, and stay on until we sleep at night. I'm so sorry to hear that some of you don't have this luxury....I admire your strength!

I should point out, we don't sit and chat the entire time, we come and go as we please. Works beautifully for us!

My best friend's mother reads coffee cups... she has read mine several times she keeps telling me he is coming soon...

I agreee reading VJ posts help sometimes... I pray A lOT too...

Yasi

Aww geesh! I didn't even see this! Thanks to YOU too!

Here's how I have kept myself semi sane over the pasy year and 8 months:

1. school
2. cooking allll the time
3. going home to my parents house on the weekends to see friends/family
4. being lucky enough to have visited Morocco 4 times.
5. talking to Hicham every night for hours- sleeping together (he has a computer in his room luckily)
6. working

I know those are all everyday things but they have helped me keep my mind off of other certain things.

I forgot a "technique"... writing incessant irrational emails to friends and driving them insane.

Thanks to all those who tolerate my nonsense!

I always remained as busy as possible.

I got extra jobs and just bustled everywhere not really allowing down time. Visit friends and get into projects, sewing or cooking. Anything that you ever wanted to learn..now is the time, and just devour it.

Time goes by....Thats for sure... its so crazy how it speeds at points and trails at others.

Today I'm wondering where my strength is

If you find it, let me know. I'm sure mine is hiding nearby.